ETIQUETTE  FOR 
ALL   OCCASIONS 


jRTOX  KINGSLAND 


ETIQUETTE  FOR  ALL  OCCASIONS 


ETIQUETTE 


FOR 


ALL  OCCASIONS 

By 

MRS.  BURTON  KINGSLAND 


Manners  are  of  more  importance  than 
laws.  The  law  teaches  us  but  here  and 
there,  now  and  then.  Manners  are  what 
vex  or  soothe,  corrupt  or  purify,  exalt  or 
debase,  barbarize  or  refine  us  by  a  con- 
stant, steady,  uniform,  insensible  operation 
like  the  air  we  breathe.  —  BURKE. 


NEW    YORK 

Doubleday,   Page  and  Company 
1901 


Copyright,  1901,  by 
DOUBLEDAY,  PAGE  Sf  COMPANY 


UNIVERSITY    PRESS    •    JOHN    WILSON 
AND    SON     •    CAMBRIDGE,    U.S.A. 


CONTENTS 


PAGE 

INTRODUCTORY.  —  GOOD  MANNERS  AND  GOOD  FORM  i 
CHAPTER 

I.    INTRODUCTIONS n 

II.    SALUTATIONS 24 

III.  INVITATIONS  AND  ANNOUNCEMENTS  .     .     .  35 

IV.  WEDDING    INVITATIONS   AND    ANNOUNCE- 

MENTS        58 

V.    VISITING-CARD  CONVENTIONS 68 

VI.    THE  ETIQUETTE  OF  CALLING        ....  82 

VII.    AFTERNOON  TEAS 101 

VIII.    INTRODUCING  A  DEBUTANTE 115 

IX.    LUNCHEONS,  BREAKFASTS,  SUPPERS  .     •     •  126 

X.    DINNERS 143 

XI.    BALLS  AND  DANCES 166 

I/ XII.    CHAPERONS 192 

XIII.  ENGAGEMENTS •  204 

XIV.  WEDDING    PREPARATIONS    AND    PRELIMI- 

NARIES      212 

XV.    THE  DAY  OF  THE  WEDDING 236 

XVI.    AT  THE  OPERA  AND  THEATRE     ....  259 

XVII.    MUSICALS,  THEATRICALS,  CARD-PARTIES    .  267 

XVIII.    ENTERTAINING  A  HOUSE  PARTY  .     .     .  274 

v 


2052076 


CONTENTS 

CHAPTER  PAGE 

XIX.    THE  DUTIES  OF  A  GUEST 294 

XX.    OUT-OF-DOOR  ENTERTAINMENTS    .     .     .  307 

\/    XXI.    WOMEN'S  DRESS '.     ...  318 

XXII.    MEN'S  DRESS  AND  DEPORTMENT  .     .     .  337 

XXIII.  CONVERSATION 359 

XXIV.  SOCIAL  CORRESPONDENCE 375 

XXV.    TABLE  MANNERS 394 

Y     XXVI.    MANNERS    IN   PUBLIC  —  UNCLASSIFIED 

OCCASIONS 403 

XXVII.    SPORTING  ETIQUETTE 405 

^XXVIII.    COURTESY  AND  GOOD  MANNERS  IN  THE 

HOME 414 

XXIX.    CHILDREN'S  ETIQUETTE 425 

XXX.    THE  FAMILY  TABLE 438 

XXXI.    CHRISTENINGS 449 

XXXII.    WEDDING  ANNIVERSARIES 457 

XXXIII.  FUNERALS 463 

XXXIV.  SERVANTS 470 

XXXV.    SERVANTS'  DRESS 490 

XXXVI.    HINTS   ON    FOREIGN    ETIQUETTE  (ENG- 
LAND)         499 

XXXVII.    HINTS    ON    FOREIGN    ETIQUETTE    CON- 
TINUED (FRANCE  AND  GERMANY)  .  516 


vi 


ETIQUETTE/,,. 

ALL   OCCASIONS 

Preface  —  A  GENERAL  WORD  ABOUT 

GOOD  MANNERS  AND  GOOD  FORM 

)N   American    traveller,   when    once    / 
'  rallied  upon  the  fact  that  there  was 
no  aristocracy  in    his  country,   re- 
plied :  "  Pardon  me,  you  forget  ou£/ 
women !  " 

It  was  gallantly  said,  and  characteristic  of  the 
chivalry  that  has  always  been  so  marked  a  trait 
of  American  manhood. 

It  is  the  stock  reproach  among  Europeans  to- 
wards us  —  this  lack  of  aristocracy  —  which  politely 
but  thinly  veils  their  conviction  that  we  are  a 
nation  of  rich  and  prosperous  parvenus.  We 
resent  the  reflection  because  it  seems  to  imply  the 
lack  of  qualities  which,  to  our  minds,  the  wc>rd_ 
stands  for.  Now  we  believe  the  outward  and 
visible  signs  of  aristocracy  are  shown  in  perfect 
breeding,  charm  of  manner,  and  unfailing  courtesy, 
of  which  the  inward  grace  is  an  instinctive  refine- 
ment that  is  not  merely  a  decorative  attribute. 

True  aristocracy  derives  nothing  from  the  pos- 
session of  money  —  wealth  but  makes  ill-breeding 
more  conspicuous.  Rank  and  station  do  not  cre- 
ate it,l  since  there  are  persons  who  consider  that 


ETIQUETTE      FOR     ALL     OCCASIONS 

their  social  standing  entitles  them  to  a  conduct 
that  is  often  wounding  to  the  feelings  of  others, 
and  it  is  not  inseparable  from  ancient  lineage. 
It  is  said  that  there  are  old  families  in  England 
who  have  a  well-earned  reputation  for  possessing 
the  worst  manners  in  the  world,  which  proud  dis- 
tinction was  satirized  in  a  bright  little  society  skit 
in  which  "  my  lady "  says  to  her  daughter : 
"Rude?  Of  course  we  are  rude,  my  dear.  We 
have  been  rude  ever  since  the  Conquest !  " 

It  is  not  given  to  every  man  to  be  what,  in  com- 
mon parlance,  is  called  "  born  a  gentleman,"  but 
if  his  birth  be  not  gentle,  his  manners  may  make 
him  so;  for  "he  is  gentil,"  says  Chaucer,  "who 
doth  gentil  dedis."  Habit  is  second  nature. 

A  Frenchman,  of  wide  travel  and  experience, 
once  said  to  an  American  :  "  Your  politeness  in  the 
States  is  not  a  form,  but  a  fact.  With  us,  courtesy 
towards  women  has  always  a  personal  element. 
You  can  do  a  woman  a  service  without  looking  at 
her." 

He  proceeded  to  explain  further:  — 

"  We,  however,  have  the  advantage  of  a  more 
fixed  etiquette,  that  leaves  one  never  at  a  loss  to 
know  the  proper  thing  to  be  done  under  given 
circumstances,  that  gives  ease  of  mind  and  bear- 
ing to  the  individual,  and  elegance  and  grace  to 
society  at  large." 

There  is  then  a  distinction  between  good  man- 
ners and  good  form.  The  one  comes  from  innate 
good  breeding,  the  other  may  be  acquired  by 


A     GENERAL    WORD 


careful  study  and  close  observance  of  the  forms 
of  behavior  that  at  the"  moment  are  fashionable. 

As  a  man  may  be  wise  without  learning,  so  he 
may  be  polite  without  etiquette. 

At  the  root  of  fine  manners,  however,  usually  lie 
the  eternal  principles  of  kindness  and  thoughtful- 
ness  ;  and,  as  some  one  has  said,  although  courtesy 
is  not  Christianity,  it  is  a  very  good  imitation  of 
it,  since  most  of  the  rules  of  etiquette  are  based 
upon  unselfishness,  and  the  proper  regard  for  the 
feelings  of  other  people. 

We  have  all  heard  the  story  of  the  French  king 
who  was  so  well  bred  that  when  one  of  his  guests 
dropped  a  priceless  wine-glass,  immediately,  as 
though  through  inadvertence,  broke  one  himself, 
to  prove  that  such  a  mischance  might  happen  to 
any  one  and  was  of  no  special  consequence.  The 
English  George  the  Fourth,  drinking  his  tea  from 
the  saucer  to  relieve  the  embarrassment  of  a  young 
maid  of  honor,  recently  come  to  court,  who  had 
provoked  the  smiles  of  the  company  by  a  like 
provincialism,  —  is  another  instance  where  courtesy 
shows  Christian  inspiration. 

The  custom  of  leaving  a  card  for  every  member 
of  a  family,  when  calling,  is  designed  to  give 
assurance  that  each  person  has  been  distinguished 
individually  in  one's  thought.  We  make  careful 
toilets  in  visiting  and  receiving  our  friends,  to 
do  them  honor. 

We  call  promptly  upon  our  hostess  after  an  en- 
tertainment to  prove  ourselves  not  ungrateful  for 

3 


ETIQUETTE     FOR      ALL      OCCASIONS 

the  trouble  that  she  has  taken  to  give  us  pleasure. 
We  are  expected  to  talk  in  low,  well-bred  tones  that 
we  may  not  disturb  our  neighbor's  thought  or 
conversation.  A  host  has  the  first  drops  of  a 
fresh  bottle  of  wine  poured  into  his  glass,  lest 
a  bit  of  the  cork  might,  by  chance,  incommode 
his  guest. 

There  is  a  tacit  understanding  that  we  shall  be 
agreeable  to  one  another,  always  putting  the  best 
on  the  outside  and  keeping  our  private  woes  to 
ourselves. 

St.  Paul,  in  his  speeches  and  letters,  is  the  very 
model  of  a  gentleman.  In  fact,  courtesy,  concilia- 
tion, forbearance,  kindliness,  which  are  of  the  very 
nature  and  essence  of  politeness,  were  strictly  en- 
joined by  the  first  teachers  of  Christianity.  Man- 
ners are  minor  morals.  The  children  are  taught 

"  To  be  truly  polite  is  to  do  and  say 
The  kindest  thing  in  the  kindest  way." 

It  has  been  found,  however,  that  the  various 
pursuits  and  interests  of  society  move  forward  to 
the  best  fulfilment  of  their  several  purposes  and 
work  together  most  harmoniously  when  guided 
by  certain  fixed  rules,  the  willing  observance  of 
which  establishes  one's  claim  to  gentlehood  in 
the  minds  of  others,  and  gives  ease  and  confidence 
in  whatever  society  we  find  ourselves. 

People  have  agreed  upon  certain  conventions 
which  have  through  the  ages  grown  into  a  code,  — 
a  decalogue  of  good  behavior. 

4 


A     GENERAL     WORD 


There  are  circumstances  where  even  the  "  golden 
rule "  —  which  exhausts  most  of  the  require- 
ments of  politeness  —  fails  us.  As  an  instance 
of  this:  A  very  young  girl  at  her  first  dance 
was  offered  a  seat  by  her  partner  during  one  of  the 
panting  pauses  of  a  waltz,  whereupon  she  answered 
with  instinctive  unselfishness  but  with  entire  igno- 
rance of  etiquette,  "  Oh,  I  am  not  tired ;  you  sit 
down !  " 

The  conventional  conduct  known  as  "  good 
form,"  or  the  lack  of  it,  brings  unerring  revelation 
of  a  person's  social  advantages  and  position,  and 
proclaims  him  a  provincial  or  a  cosmopolitan. 

A  man  who  attempts  to  combine  the  attractions 
of  wine  and  of  iced  water  by  making  the  "  sorbet " 
the  accompaniment  to  his  entire  dinner,  or  orders 
a  large  cup  of  coffee  with  milk  at  the  conclusion 
of  the  meal,  may  be  a  more  worthy  member  of 
society,  a  finer  specimen  of  manhood,  than  the 
gilded  youth  of  fashionable  circles,  but  he  would 
not  be  regarded  as  a  man  of  refinement,  hardly 
as  a  gentleman,  by  the  privileged  classes  here  or  in 
Europe. 

The  social  code  has  been  written  and  reviewed 
as  much  or  more  perhaps  than  any  other  code  of 
laws  in  the  world.  The  whirligig  of  time  brings 
about  so  many  changes  that  what  was  orthodoxy 
in  one  age  is  heterodoxy  in  the  next.  For  ex- 
ample, twenty  years  ago,  the  favorite  manner 
of  announcing  an  engagement  in  New  York  was 
for  the  happy  couple  to  be  seen  arm  in  arm  on 

5 


ETIQUETTE     FOR      ALL      OCCASIONS 

some  fashionable  thoroughfare  on  Sunday,  after 
church. 

"  How  vulgar !  How  provincial !  "  exclaims  the 
present  generation.  But  what  would  they  think 
of  the  manners  of  our  more  remote  forbears  when, 
as  bride  and  groom  making  their  first  appearance 
in  church,  they  proudly  took  the  most  prominent 
seats  and  in  the  middle  of  the  sermon  deliberately 
rose  and  turned  slowly  around  several  times  to 
display  their  wedding  finery  fully  and  unblush- 
ingly.  This  extraordinary  exhibition  is  vouched 
for  upon  undisputably  good  authority. 

The  word  "  etiquette  "  meant  originally  a  ticket 
or  tag  affixed  to  a  bag  or  bundle  to  note  its  con- 
tents. From  this  the  word  passed  to  certain  cards 
which,  during  the  reign  of  the  fourteenth  Louis  of 
France,  were  given  by  the  Court  functionary  to  each 
guest,  upon  which  were  written  the  chief  rules  of 
the  conduct  to  be  observed.  The  word  has  been 
preserved  —  for  lack  of  a  better  —  to  express  the 
recognized  standard  of  behavior  among  persons 
entitled  to  be  considered  in  good  society.  Its 
modern  English  equivalent  is  "  good  form."  The 
one  expression  is  as  open  to  the  reproach  of  being 
"  slang  "  as  the  other. 

Our  own  social  code  is  patterned  largely  after 
the  usages  in  favor  among  the  English  upper 
classes,  although  there  are  occasions  upon  which 
we  are  a  law  unto  ourselves.  The  "  Mother-isle  " 
sets  us  the  example,  but,  having  reached  our 
maturity,  we,  in  common  with  other  grown  up 


A     GENERAL     WORD 


children,  assume  the  direction  of  our  conduct 
when  we  please. 

Daniel  Webster  said,  after  a  visit  to  England : 
"The  rule  of  politeness  there  is  to  be  quiet,  act 
naturally,  take  no  airs,  and  make  no  bustle.  This 
perfect  breeding  has  cost  a  great  deal  of  drill." 

We  have  among  ourselves  a  large  class  of  quiet 
ladies  and  gentlemen,  with  minds  broadened  by 
travel  and  association  with  cultured  people,  with 
inherited  traditions  of  good  breeding  and  well 
versed  in  the  social  ethics  of  the  older  civilizations. 
To  them  we  may  defer,  to  them  safely  look  for 
direction. 

It  is  only  the  chimney-corner  philosopher  who 
scorns  and  sneers  at  learning  the  rules  of  etiquette. 

In  the  changeful  conditions  of  our  society, 
where,  untrammelled  by  class  restriction,  all  may 
make  their  way  to  eminence,  there  is  need  of 
guidance  in  matters  social,  and  fortunately  a  uni- 
versal recognition  of  their  importance.  Many,  all 
over  the  country,  are  asking  for  direction  and  for 
definite  laws  of  conduct  to  be  observed,  according 
to  the  most  recent  decrees  of  fashion. 

There  is  nothing  derogatory  to  us  that  we  are 
not  all  conversant  with  the  latest  forms  of  conven- 
tionality. Our  society  is  in  evolution,  but  the 
anxiety,  to  learn,  the  often  painful  dread  of  mak- 
ing a  mistake,  is  reassuring.  They  are  "  growing- 
pains." 

Bonaparte  took  lessons  of  the  great  actor  Talma, 
how  to  comport  himself  in  his  new  dignity,  and 

7 


ETIQUETTE     FOR     ALL     OCCASIONS 

had  his  court  drilled  in  etiquette  as  he  did  his 
army  in  military  tactics. 

When  the  great  Catherine  of  Russia  gave  recep- 
tions to  her  nobility,  she  was  obliged  to  publish 
certain  rules  of  conduct  that  would  be  unnecessary 
now  with  the  most  untaught  peasant.  Gentlemen 
were  not  to  get  drunk  before  the  feast  was  ended ; 
ladies  were  enjoined  not  to  wipe  their  mouths  on 
the  table-cloth;  and  "noblemen  were  forbidden  to 
strike  their  wives  in  company.  The  curiosity  is 
still  to  be  met  with,  in  books  on  table-talk,  and 
the  edict  no  doubt  was  needed. 

Formerly  there  was  an  etiquette  of  war.  The 
Frenchmen  at  Fontenoy,  face  to  face  with  their 
English  opponents,  politely  bade  them  "  fire 
first."  But  these  well-mannered  men  oppressed 
their  peasants,  and  in  private  broke  all  the  com- 
mandments of  courtesy  which  we  revere. 

This  discrepancy  between  form  and  fact  has 
brought  discredit  upon  the  subject  of  polite  ob- 
servances in  the  minds  of  some,  who  say,  "  Give 
us  truth  before  all  things."  They  say  that  they 
involve  a  degree  of  dissimulation  that  often  impli- 
cates us  in  positive  hypocrisy,  in  unequivocal  false- 
hood that  none  should  justify.  They  ask,  "  Why 
palliate  untruths  because  they  seem  a  kind  of 
social  obligation?" 

This  is  a  question  for  social  casuists  to  de- 
cide. No  thinking  person  would  undervalue 
truth,  but,  like  all  good  things,  it  may  be  carried 
/  to  excess. 


r. 


A     GENERAL     WORD 


A  very  amiable  woman  once  called  upon  a 
friend  with  a  new-born  baby.  "  Is  n't  she  a  pretty 
baby?"  asked  the  delighted  mother.  An  affirma- 
tive answer  was  given,  but  the  next  day  the  mother 
received  a  note  saying:  "On  reflection,  I  have 
concluded  that  I  was  not  truthful  when  I  said  your 
baby  was  pretty.  I  do  not  think  her  a  pretty 
baby,  but  I  don't  doubt  that  she  is  a  good  one, 
and  I  hope  may  prove  a  great  joy  to  you." 

One  cannot  but  feel  that  in  this  instance  Truth 
was  wounded  in  the  house  of  her  friends.  The 
deeper  truth  of  kindness  and  sympathy  that  for 
the  moment  saw  the  baby  through  its  mother's 
loving  eyes  was  sacrificed  to  the  surface  truth  that 
appeared  after  cool  and  unsympathetic  reflection. 

We  are  not  justified,  however,  in  declaring  to  a 
friend  that  we  are  bored  at  an  entertainment  and 
are  going  home,  and  in  the  next  breath  telling  our 
hostess  that  we  are  indebted  to  her  for  a  very 
delightful  evening. 

Nor  may  we  say  to  our  friend,  "  Don't  introduce 
me  to  that  cad,"  and  the  next  minute  while  shak- 
ing his  hand  repeat  the  formula,  "  Happy  to  meet 
you,"  —  unless  one  can  say  it  in  such  level  per- 
functory tones  that  conventionality  owes  nothing 
to  cordiality  and  yet  is  satisfied. 

Politeness  consists  in  repressing  ill-natured  com- 
ments in  the  first  place,  not  in  asserting  the 
contrary  afterwards. 

There  are  a  few  persons  who  are  rebellious  about 
some  rules  of  etiquette  which  seem  useless  for 

9 


ETIQUETTE     FOR      ALL      OCCASIONS 

\~~those  of  high  moral  calibre ;  but  as  other  laws  are 
made  for  the  majority,  so  are  those  of  social  con- 
vention, especially  for  those  who  are  prone  to 
transgress. 

Under  the  head  of  such  forms  come  the  rules 
of  chaperonage,  and  most  important  it  is  that 
all  young  men  and  women  should  observe  the 
formalities  ordained,  in  their  intercourse  with  each 
other,  no  matter  how  well-fitted  they  may  be  in 
particular  instances  to  take  care  of  themselves. 
One  is  compelled  sometimes  to  make  personal 
sacrifices  for  the  good  of  the  many. 
""  Of  course  very  few  of  the  rules  of  good  form 
are  absolute  and  unchangeable,  and  they  must 
be  more  or  less  regulated  by  the  standards  of  the 
people  one  lives  with,  and  the  requirements  of 
the  place  in  which  one  resides. 

The  old  riddle  asks,  "  What  is  the  keynote 
to  good  manners?"  The  answer,  "B  natural." 
Natural  manners  are  always  the  most  charming, 
provided  that  one  is  well  bred,  otherwise  the  self- 
revelation  is  unpleasant.  The  "  fashionable  "  man- 
ner of  to-day  is  simple,  cordial,  and  free  from  all 
affectation. 

Good  manners  inspired  by  good  principles, 
prompted  by  good  fellowship,  polished  by  good 
form,  will  fit  one  for  good  society  anywhere. 


10 


ETIQUETTE  for 
ALL   OCCASIONS 

Chapter  First  —  INTRODUCTIONS 

tHE  English  have  imported  and 
domesticated  the  saying  that  "  the 
roof  is  an  introduction."  All  per- 
sons meeting  at  the  same  house 
are  tacitly  supposed  to  be  on  the 
same  social  plane  and  not  averse  to  acquaintance, 
and  in  France  the  formality  of  a  presentation 
among  members  of  the  same  society  is  considered 
entirely  superfluous.  People  are  introduced  to 
one  another,  but  this  does  not  remove  barriers 
that  are  regarded  as  already  suppressed. 

With    us   all  well-bred   persons    recognize    the 
propriety  of  making  themselves  agreeable  to  each 
other  in  a  friend's  drawing-room,  whether  Presenta- 
previously  acquainted  or  not.      A  few    tionsun- 
of  our  society  leaders  never  introduce  necessary 
chance   visitors,    who    converse    as    a    matter   of 
course.     It  goes  without   saying  that  the  person 
addressed  is  both  gracious  and  responsive  to  the 
one  taking  the  initiative. 

Introductions,  however,  make  intercourse  easier, 
and  there  is  less  awkwardness  when  one  knows 
to  whom  one  is  speaking,  the  knowledge  often 


ETIQUETTE     FOR     ALL     OCCASIONS 

suggesting  subjects  for  conversation  of  mutual 
interest. 

The  rules  governing  presentations  should  be  well 
defined,  since  divergent  views  may  prove  sources 
of  misunderstanding. 

It  may  be  laid  down  as  a  general  principle  that 

a  lady  in  her  own  house  may  introduce  all    her 

The        guests  without  previously  asking  their 

privilege  of  permission.     It  need  not  involve  further 

acquaintance    unless   one   choose,  —  all 

are   not  blessed  with    a  good  memory  for  faces, 

-  but  at  the  house  of  another,  or  upon   neutral 

ground,   she    must   consult   their   wishes.      At   a 

Presenta    dinner,  when  the  guests  assemble,  the 

tions  at     hostess  introduces  the  gentlemen  to  the 

dinner     ladies  whom  they  are  to  take  in,  and  as 

many  others  as  she  pleases,  but  the  old-fashioned 

custom  of  wholesale  presentation  is  no  longer  fol- 

Presenta-  l°wed-     Introductions  are  not  expected 

tions  at  at  large  receptions,  except  to  those  for 
receptions  whom  the  entertainment  may  be  given, 
or  to  some  distinguished  guest  whom  all  are  pre- 
sumably anxious  to  meet,  though  a  stranger  should 
be  commended  to  the  charge  of  some  one.  Upon 
less  formal  occasions  visitors  should  be  presented 
when  it  can  be  done  without  obvious  effort.  It  is 
not  strictly  good  form  to  introduce  a  guest  upon 
his  entrance  into  a  room  to  more  than  one  other  at 
a  time. 

It  is  a  mistake  to  interrupt  a  conversation  that  is 
apparently  agreeable  in  order  to  make  an  intro- 
duction. I2 


INTRODUCTIONS 


At  a  private  dance,  or  "  house  dance,"  as  it  is 
the  fashion  to  call  it,  where  the  pleasure  depends 
upon   knowing   many  persons,    it   is    a  introduc- 
kindness  to  make  all  necessary  presen-     tions  at 
tations  to  insure  it. 

The  hostess  may  be  quite  unhampered  by  the 
restrictions  felt  by  others,  the  proper  censorship 
having  been  exercised  when  extending  the  invita- 
tions. Her  guests  however  cannot  claim  the  same 
freedom. 

At  a  ball  the  patronesses  may  allow  themselves 
a  certain    latitude,  but  the  permission  of  a   lady 
must  always  be  asked,  where  a  man  de-  Ball-room 
sires  her  acquaintance,  and  that  of  the  introduc- 
parent  or  chaperon  for  presentation  to      tions 
a  young   girl.     Indiscriminate    introduction    must 
be  carefully  avoided. 

We  may  properly  excuse  ourselves  from  com- 
pliance with  requests  for  presentations  by  saying 
that  we  hardly  know  the  person  well  enough  — 
for  we  never  know  any  one  so  well  as  to  take  a 
liberty. 

Chaperons  often  ask  young  men  if  they  may 
present  them  to  their  charges,  especially  those 
ladies  who  have  laid  them  under  obligations  else- 
where. Ball-room  introductions  are  understood 
to  impose  a  certain  amount  of  attention  on  the 
part  of  the  gentlemen,  —  to  dance  with  the  lady  if 
possible,  or  show  other  courteous  interest  in 
furthering  her  enjoyment.  One  hears  many  com- 
plaints of  the  remissness  on  the  part  of  young 

13 


ETIQUETTE      FOR     ALL      OCCASIONS 

men  in  this  regard.  There  are  comparatively  so 
few  ways  in  which  they  can  return  the  favors  they 
receive,  that  one  marvels  that  their  self-respect 
should  not  be  on  the  alert  to  improve  every  oppor- 
tunity. The  best-bred  young  men  request  intro 
ductions,  that  they  may  make  themselves  useful  to 
their  hostess. 

Informal    introductions     are     always 
At  house- 
parties     made     between    persons    composing    a 

house  party  as  soon  as  convenient. 
Undiscriminating  introducers  are  generally  un- 
popular.    If  the  acquaintance  is  not  desired  on  the 
one  side  and  finds  itself  unwelcome  on 

The 

responsi-  the  other,  the  too  generous  source  of 
bility  the  annoyance  is  blamed  by  both. 

incurred  Specja]  carefulness  should  be  exer- 
cised about  presenting  persons  who  come  from 
the  same  place. 

One  may  always  introduce  the  member  of  one's 
own  family  without  asking  permission,  since  none 
could  refuse  without  offence. 

The  introducer  must  remember  that  he  or  she 
is  responsible  for  the  persons  presented,  and  re- 
frain from  forcing  upon  any  one  an  unwelcome 
acquaintance,  through  an  easy-going  indifference 

that  passes  for  amiability. 

To  drop  an       Jhe  begt  tQ  be  ri(j  of  an  embar. 

unwelcome  ,  . 

acquaint-  rassing  acquaintanceship  is  to  strangle 

ance  it  in  its  birth.  A  perfunctory  polite- 
ness is  of  course  exacted  at  the  meeting,  but  after- 
wards an  unseeing,  preoccupied  glance  that  does 


INTRODUCTIONS 


not  rest  upon  its  object,  a  merely  courteous  greet- 
ing lacking  all  cordiality,  are  the  only  weapons 
that  one's  self-respect,  and  the  law  of  kindness 
which  is  forever  binding,  will  permit  us  to  use 
towards  even  a  vulgar  or  aggressive  person. 

Perfect  courtesy  may  interpose  barriers  that  are 
harder  to  force  than  those  of  palpable  rudeness. 

It  would  be  as  balm  to  the  wounds  of  hurt 
pride,  if  the  sufferers  would  realize  that  the  refusal 
of  their  acquaintance  or  the  ignoring  of  their 
existence  does  not  arise  from  any  contemptuous 
estimation  of  them,  or  from  an  exaggerated  im- 
pression of  their  own  importance  in  the  breasts 
of  well-bred  people  who  have  an  assured  social 
position. 

It  is  simply  that  among  modern  improvements 
and  inventions,  none  has  been  found  to  lengthen 
the  little  day  of  twenty-four  hours,  and  in  order  to 
conquer  time  enough  to  meet  each  day's  demands, 
one  must  defend  oneself  against  new  encroach- 
ments, particularly  when  they  take  the  form  of 
superfluous  acquaintances  to  whom  one  owes  no 
duty  of  benevolence.  It  is  well  to  choose  one's 
friends  slowly  and  with  consideration. 

People  whose  work  and  play  bring  them  into 
contact,  or  who  are  so  mutually  congenial  as  to 
seek  one  another  from  choice,  naturally    Natural 
fall  into  sets  and  cliques.     They  do  not    associa- 
need  any  prickly  hedges  to  insure  their      tions 
seclusion.      The  acquaintance  of  any  one  brought 
into  temporary  relations  with  the  persons  compos- 

15 


ETIQUETTE     FOR     ALL     OCCASIONS 

ing  this  society,  falls  simply  to  the  ground  unless 
the  new-comer  has  exceptional  attractions. 

There  are  persons,  well  placed  in  society,  to 
whom  the  gods  of  this  world  have  been  indulgent, 
who  pride  themselves  upon  their  ex- 
.  .  clusiveness,  "  per  se,"  resenting  tres- 
passes upon  their  preserves.  These 
are  generally  those  who  have  "  arrived,"  which 
term  presupposes  a  certain  amount  of  climbing. 
A  woman  secure  in  her  social  position  is  never 
afraid  to  meet  strangers,  to  bow  or  speak  first, 
nor  to  show  herself  gracious  and  friendly  to  any 
one ;  and  if  she  have  no  social  position,  she  proves 
herself  a  Christian  and  a  lady  by  so  doing. 

Snobbishness  is  not  confined  to  fashionable  cir- 
cles, however.  Some  one  has  said  that  snobs,  like 

poets,  are  born,  not  made.      A  young 
Snobs  and  *          />    •  r  r    *_i 

th  '  ilk     woman»    a   beneficiary   of    one    of  the 

many  missionary  enterprises  in  New 
York,  was  urged  by  the  lady  who  had  befriended 
her  to  try,  in  her  turn,  to  aid  others  more  in  need 
than  herself;  but  the  request  was  met  by  the  sur- 
prising objection :  "  I  don't  want  such  people  to 
think  that  they  are  as  good  as  I  am,  and  bow  to 
me  on  the  street.  " 

Another  instance.  A  raw-boned  country  lad, 
whose  attractions  and  advantages  were  not  appar- 
ent, when  instructed  in  his  duty  towards  his  neigh- 
bor to  "  order  himself  lowly  and  reverently  to  all 
his  betters,"  demanded  fiercely,  "  Who  are  my 
betters  ?  " 

16 


INTRODUCTIONS 


A  new  form  of  snobbery  has  arisen  among  us. 
Those  who  are  climbing  genealogical  trees  and 
who  have  made  gratifying  discoveries  cast  back- 
ward looks  of  disdain.  The  reputed  grandfather- 
lessness  of  Americans  has  been  felt  by  some  to  be 
a  challenge. 

It  is  always  proper  for  a  man  to  ask  a  mutual 
friend  to  present  him  to  a  lady.     Men   Request_ 
rarely  ask   to  be    introduced    to    each  ing  intro- 
other,  but  if  a  lady  desires  to  present    Auctions 
them  the  request  should  never  be  met  with  indif- 
ference. 

The  usual  way  for  a  man  to  present  his  friend 
to  a  lady  is  to  ask  her  permission  to  bring  him  to 
call  upon  her  at  some  time  when  she  shall  be  re- 
ceiving her  friends.  An  invitation  is  likely  to 
follow  the  call. 

Casual  introductions  in  the  street,  in  a  shop  or 
theatre,    in   an    opera-box,    or   any   place   where 
friends  and  strangers  are  unexpectedly     Chance 
confronted,  relieves  the  stiffness  of  the  presenta- 
situation;  but  such  acquaintance  is  rare-       tions 
ly  claimed  afterward,  unless  the  pleasure  on  both 
sides  has  been  very  obvious.     In  public  convey- 
ances presentations  are  made  only  under  excep- 
tional circumstances. 

If,  while  accompanying  a  woman  friend  in  the 
street,  she  sees  an  acquaintance  to  whom  she 
would  speak  a  few  brief  words  for  good  and 
sufficient  reason,  one  would  show  more  con- 
sideration by  strolling  on  slowly  a  few  yards,  than 
2  17 


ETIQUETTE     FOR     ALL     OCCASIONS 

standing  by  and  hearing  the  conversation,  though 
it  is  not  a  breach  of  the  proprieties  to  do  so. 
After  a  bow  in  acknowledgment  of  a  word  of  intro- 
duction, one  should  not  mingle  in  the  conversation 
unless  directly  addressed. 

If  a  person  is  more  prominent  or  distinguished 
in  anyway  than  ourselves,  let  us  not  seek  an  intro- 
duction too  obviously,  but  let  discretion 

be  our  tutor,  and  wait  for  his  or  her 
reticence 

first  advance  or  for  some  happy  chance 
to  bring  us  together.  Acquaintances  should  be 
made  through  natural  channels,  never  forced. 

In    making   an    introduction,  the   gentleman    is 

always  presented  to  the  lady,  the  formula  being, 

Formulae   "  Mrs.  A.,  allow  me  to  present  Mr.  Z.," 

ofpresen-  pronouncing  the  names  very  distinctly. 

tation      jn  the  case  Of  two  ia(jies  or  two  men, 

the  elder  is  addressed,  the  name  of  the  younger 
mentioned  first, — "  Mrs.  Young,  Mrs.  Gray."  When 
the  two  ladies  are  nearly  of  an  age,  the  distinc- 
tion would  be  invidious.  A  young  girl  presents  her 
friends  to  her  mother,  but  the  mother  says,  "  May 
J  present  my  daughter,  Mrs.  Blank?  "  though, 
if  the  introduction  be  to  a  man,  she  follows  the 
usual  rule.  If  one  man  introduce  another  to  a 
lady,  after  permission  has  been  secured,  the  pre- 
sentation is  made  complimentary  in  its  formula, 
—  "  Miss  A.,  Mr.  B.  desires  the  pleasure  of  your 
acquaintance." 

In  introducing  strangers,  some  little  personality 
may  serve  as  a  starting-point  for  conversation,  — 

18 


INTRODUCTIONS 


"Mrs.  A.,  do  you  know  Mrs.  Z.  ?  Such  enthusi- 
astic golfers  should  know  each  other ;  "  or,  "  Mrs. 
Z.,  let  me  present  Miss  A.  to  you.  She  is  newly 
arrived,  and  I  want  her  to  know  all  my  most 
charming  friends." 

A  lady  should  rise  when  another  is  presented  to 
her,  unless  she  is  much  younger  than  herself.  She 
keeps  her  seat  and  bows,  when  a  man  The  proper 
is  presented.  Men  usually  shake  hands  courtesies 

when  introduced  to  one  another  ;  women    at  an  in~ 

troduction 
merely  bow  and  smile  with  cordial  gra- 

ciousness,  unless  they  desire  to  show  special  friend- 
liness. It  is  a  graceful  act  for  an  elderly  woman 
to  extend  her  hand  to  a  younger  at  an  introduc- 
tion. When  a  man  and  woman  are  presented, 
both  make  a  slight  inclination  of  the  head  and 
body,  and  each  pronounces  the  other's  name  in 
courteous  recognition.  Some  persons  think  it 
more  cordial  to  add  the  meaningless  greeting, 

"  How  do  you  do,  Mr. "  or  "  Miss ?  " 

though  their  health  is  remote  from  their  thoughts. 

One  of  the  trivialities,  magnified  by  fashion  into 
a  sort  of  "  shibboleth,"  is  the  custom  of  saying  at 
an  introduction,  "  I  am  happy  to  meet  you,"  and 
not  "  Pleased  to  meet  you,"  which  is  considered 
provincial.  If  one  can  explain  why  it  is  a  grati- 
fication, because  of  a  mutual  friend  or  a  common 
interest  or  pursuit,  the  compliment  makes  an  ex- 
cellent beginning  for  conversation. 

A  man  being  presented  to  two  or  more  ladies  at 
a  time  should  not  single  out  one  for  special  atten- 

19 


ETIQUETTE  FOR  ALL   OCCASIONS 

tion,  but  should  endeavor  to  make  each  one  feel 
his  interest  in  what  she  says. 

After  an  introduction,  if  a  man  wishes  to  excuse 
himself,  he  must  take  his  leave  only  after  he  has 
been  the  last  speaker,  adding  a  word  of  apology. 

Some  persons  in  making  an  introduction  mum- 
ble the  names  so  indistinctly  that  both  parties  are 

Names     ^eft  m  embarrassment.     For  some  rea- 

clearly  son  people  are  "  touchy "  about  being 
pronounced  caljed  by  Qther  names  than  their  own 

If  your  name  is  "  Holt,"  it  is  not  pleasant  to  be 
addressed  as  "  Dolt."  It  is  wiser  to  say  at  once 
that  the  name  escaped  one  and  ask  the  person 
himself  to  repeat  it.  This  sometimes  gives  him 
the  gratifying  opportunity  of  explaining  who  his 
people  are,  which,  if  one  is  amiable,  one  will  not 
mind  — there  is  pleasure  in  giving  pleasure. 

Although  presentations  may  be  requested,  it  is 
not  usual  to  solicit  letters  of  introduction.     You 
Letters     then  not  only  ask  a  favor  of  your  friend, 
ofintro-    but  that  he  should  ask  a  favor  of  his 
duction     fr;en(j  on  yOur  behalf.     Such   requests 
must   be  made   diplomatically.     You  may  speak 
of  your  wish  to  an  intimate  friend,  who  may  vol- 
unteer to  get  letters  for  you  from  some  mutual 
acquaintance,    since    it    is   always    easier    to    ask 
favors    for   others    than   for    one's   self ;    or   you 
may  mention  the  fact  of  your  intended  sojourn  at 
a  given  place   in  the  presence  of  one  who  may, 
if  he  please,  do  you   a  kindness  in  making  you 
acquainted  with   his  friends   residing   there.     Or 

20 


INTRODUCTIONS 


again,  you  may  talk  to  him  so  as  to  interest  him 
in  your  visit.  Diplomacy  comes  so  perilously  near 
deceitfulness  that  one  would  not  wish  to  be  too 
proficient  in  its  exercise.  Your  need  or  your  ad- 
vantage must  be  your  best  appeal  to  your  friend 
when  he  knows  your  plans.  His  right  to  impose  an 
obligation  upon  his  friend  is  authorized  only  by 
intimacy,  the  rule  of  social  indebtedness,  or  the 
certainty  that  he  is  doing  an  undoubted  kindness 
to  both  in  bringing  you  together.  Those  who 
have  seen  Europe  many  times  as  tourists  wish  to 
know  the  people  themselves,  —  how  they  live,  what 
they  do  in  their  homes  and  at  their  pleasures. 
Letters  that  open  hospitable  doors  are  therefore 
eagerly  desired,  and  if  the  traveller  seek  new  and 
untrodden  ways,  curiosity  is  not  less  keen. 

A  letter  of  introduction  is  always  left  unsealed 
and  is  usually  briefly  worded :  — 

DEAR , 

This  is  to  introduce  my   friend  Mr.  The  form 

/.       ,  T   ,  ,  of  an  intro- 
,  of  whom  I  have  spoken  to  you.  duction  by 

Any  kindness  that  you  may  show  him      letter 
will  be  warmly  appreciated. 


A  second  letter  is  often  sent,  giving  some  particu- 
lars about  the  friend  introduced,  and  the  degree 
of  attention  solicited  in  his  behalf.  "  Be  nice  to 
him"  is  a  phrase  which  seems  to  cover  as  much 
or  as  little  ground  as  the  recipient  pleases. 

It  is  a  mistake  to  praise  people  to  one  another 
overmuch  before  presenting  them.  Expectation 


ETIQUETTE     FOR     ALL      OCCASIONS 

is  easily  keyed  too  high  for  ordinary  human 
fulfilment. 

A  card  should  be  left  with  a  letter  of  introduc- 
tion, without  asking  to  see  the  person  addressed. 
It  is  more  courteous  to  send  it  by  messenger  than 
by  post,  if  unable  to  go  in  person.  If  the  letter  is 
sent,  it  should  enclose  the  card  of  the  person  in- 
troduced in  order  to  give  the  address. 

The  recipient  should   call  promptly, 

after  which  the  ladies  of  his  family  call 
attention 

imposed    upon  those  belonging  to  the  party  of 
by  notes    the  bearer  of  the  letter. 

of  mtro-        j^  dinner  is  the   usual  courtesy  ex- 
duction  ,  .    , 

tended,  —  always    the    highest     social 

compliment,  —  though  a  little  real  friendliness  out- 
weighs many  compliments.  Those  who  have 
them  usually  send  their  carriages  to  those  who 
have  presented  letters  of  introduction,  put  the 
men  of  the  party  up  at  one  or  more  clubs  con- 
sidered representative,  and  see  that  all  are  in- 
vited to  whatever  social  event  is  occupying  public 
attention. 

But  as  wealthy  people  live  more  or  less  alike 
all  over  the  world,  the  traveller  will  often  better 
appreciate  a  simpler  hospitality.  National  dishes 
at  table,  modest  functions  peculiar  to  the  place 
and  people,  please  and  interest  a  stranger,  and 
to  welcome  him  into  a  home  atmosphere  is  to  do 
him  the  greatest  possible  kindness. 

A  visiting-card,  with  the  words  "  Introducing 
Mr.  Blank  "  written  above  the  engraved  name  of 


INTRODUCTIONS 


the  sender,  has  merely  its  face  value,  and  imposes 
no  social  obligation. 

Should  we  receive  a  letter  of  introduction  we 
should  regard  it  as  a  sacred  claim  upon  our  hospi- 
tality. The  French  have  a  proverb,  "  The  friends 
of  our  friends  are  our  friends." 


23 


Chapter   Second 


MERRY  young  mother,  desirous 
that  her  little  flock  should  be  well 
mannered  and  observant  of  the 
"  small,  sweet  courtesies,"  sugar- 
coated  the  pill  of  duty  and  turned 
her  teachings  into  play  by  saying  to  them,  — 

"  The  good  fairies  have  invited  the  members 
of  your  little  bodies  to  a  tea-party,  but  before 
they  go,  each  one  must  have  lessons  in  behavior, 
for  fairy  manners  are  very  dainty." 

Then  followed  a  merry  hour  in  which  knees 
were  drilled  in  graceful  genuflections,  heads  were 
taught  to  bow,  hands  to  meet  in  friendly  clasp,  and 
lips  to  smile  the  frowns  away,  if  their  owners  were 
victims  of  another's  awkwardness.  Small  arms 
were  trained  to  crook  themselves  gallantly  and 
be  accepted  with  graciousness,  and  a  fairy  tea- 
party  closed  the  exercises,  —  a  sylvan  feast  at 
which  the  pixie  hostesses  were  quite  visible  to 
the  youthful  imagination  and  added  greatly  to 
the  pleasure  of  the  guests  by  their  presence. 

The  story  recalls  the  fact  that  heads,  hands, 
lips,  arms,  and  knees  all  have  their  lessons  to  learn, 
their  parts  to  play  in  the  drama  of  society.  They 
vary  in  different  countries  and  in  different  ages  of 
the  same  country. 

24 


SALUTATIONS 


It  is  but  a  few  years  ago  that  a  gentleman  in- 
variably offered  his  arm  to  a  lady  whom  he  accom- 
panied on  the  street  after  dark,  and  Obsolete 
married  and  engaged  couples  frankly  courtesies 
proclaimed  their  relations  by  walking  arm  in  arm 
in  the  daytime,  —  the  former  distinguishable  from 
the  latter  by  a  more  matter-of-fact  bearing.  Now 
it  is  optional  whether  a  man  shall  say  "  I  think 
you  will  find  it  better  to  take  my  arm,"  when  some 
special  reason  suggests  the  advisability.  The  cus- 
tom seems  to  survive  only  upon  few  occasions. 

When  a  company  is  passing  to  the  dining-room 
upon  the   announcement  of  dinner,  a  gentleman 
offers   his  arm  to  the  lady  whom    his    „., 
hostess  directs  him  to  take  in,  though      a  man 
she  seems  not  to  be  in  urgent  need  of    to  offer 
support   or   protection.      Upon    formal    hisarm? 
occasions,  the  fashion  is  growing  for  the  men  to 
offer  their  arms  to  the  ladies  when  they  withdraw 
from  the  dining-room,  and  having  seated   them, 
bow  and  retire,  to  enjoy  each  other's  society  for 
a  time. 

In  a  ball-room  the  matter  seems  to  be  left  to 
individual  choice  whether  or  not  a  man  shall  offer 
his  arm,  though  it  is  no  longer  good  form  to  enter 
the  room  arm  in  arm.  The  lady  precedes  her 
escort  by  a  step  or  two,  to  be  greeted  by  their 
hostess. 

A  wedding,  as  the  most  ceremonious  of  func- 
tions, imposes  a  rather  more  courtly  etiquette. 
The  guests,  upon  arrival  at  the  church,  are  met 

25 


ETIQUETTE     FOR      ALL     OCCASIONS 

by  the  ushers,  who  offer  their  arms  and  conduct 
the  ladies  to  their  places.  It  is  noticeable  that 
the  custom  is  so  little  practised  elsewhere  that  the 
women  have  grown  sometimes  a  bit  awkward  in 
accepting  the  little  courtesy.  Their  step  should 
be  in  perfect  accord  with  that  of  the  escort,  and 
the  lady's  wrist  reach  no  farther  than  the  bend  of 
the  man's  elbow.  Of  course  a  lady  never  makes 
a  movement  to  take  a  man's  arm  anywhere  until 
it  is  offered. 

There  are  occasions  when  the  protection  of  a 
man's  arm,  even  in  so  conventional  an  attitude, 
may  be  of  real  service.  In  threading  one's  way 
through  a  crowd  or  in  passing  by  a  mixed  multi- 
tude, a  woman  is  more  secure  from  jostling  or  a 
possible  familiarity.  The  attitude  is  a  representa- 
tive thing,  understood  by  the  roughest  to  mean 
that  a  man  is  pledged  to  the  care  and  defence  of 
the  lady  upon  his  arm. 

It  must  be  confessed  that  though  the  early- 
Victorian  young  lady,  who  was  given  to  fainting 
and  cultivated  a  "  pretty  helplessness,"  has  gone 
out  of  fashion,  most  women  like  to  see  a  little  soli- 
citude for  their  protection,  even  though  the  danger 
be  apocryphal. 

A  recent  heroine  of  fiction  who  claimed  the 
hero's  protection  from  the  imaginary  danger  of  an 
infuriated  bull,  clinging  to  his  arm  with  the  ten- 
derness born  of  extreme  apprehension,  may  be 
thought  to  have  carried  this  feeling  rather  too  far. 
She  confessed,  only  when  her  engagement  was  an 

26 


SALUTATIONS 


assured  fact,  that  she  had  known  all  along  that  the 
animal  was  a  cow !  The  hero  explained  that  he 
had  his  own  reasons  for  not  undeceiving  her  at  the 
time. 

To  return  to  our  "  muttons."  With  the  excep- 
tion of  the  instances  given,  the  custom  of  "  arm- 
ing," as  they  call  it  in  England,  has  gone  out  of 
fashion. 

This  might  seen  a  decline  in  courteous  custom, 
but  the  "  ceremony  of  the  hat  "  is  a  little  The  "cer- 
more    punctilious    than    formerly.      A   emony  of 
man  now,  as  always  here  and  in  Eng-    t  e    at 
land,  waits  the  lady's  recognition  before  he  raises 
his  hat  to  her,  whereas  on  the  Continent  the  gen- 
tleman takes  the  initiative ;  but  we  have  adopted 
the  foreign  manner  of  removing  the  hat  upon  many 
occasions  when  some  years  ago  it  was  considered 
unnecessary.     Some  of  our  compatriots  in  the  late 
sixties  were    much    criticised    in    Europe    for  the 
fondness  for  their  hats. 

A  German  clicks  his  heels  together  and  brings 
his  head  to  the  level  of  his  sword-belt.  Modern 
manners  offer  no  form  of  deference  so  grand  and 
thorough  as  a  Frenchman's  bow,  —  he  superbly 
waves  his  hat  all  around  him !  These  fine  obei- 
sances did  not  commend  themselves  to  our  for- 
bears' imitation.  Yankee  backbones  do  not  take 
kindly  to  prostration,  and  will  not  bend  one  inch 
lower  than  is  felt  to  be  consistent  with  personal 
dignity;  but  we  have  learned  to  distinguish  be- 
tween civility  and  servility. 

27 


ETIQUETTE     FOR     ALL     OCCASIONS 

A  gentleman  raises  his  hat  when  presented  to  a 
woman,  when  meeting  or  taking  leave  of  her,  when 
about  to  address  her,  or  when  she  first  speaks  to 
him  for  whatever  reason,  if  he  passes  her  on  a  stair- 
way or  in  front  of  her  in  a  public  conveyance,  at  a 
theatre  or  elsewhere,  —  indeed,  whenever  the  least 
apology  would  be  in  order,  —  when  he  offers  his 
services  in  any  way,  even  tacitly,  or  shows  her 
some  trifling  courtesy,  —  and  he  should  always 
raise  his  hat  when  acknowledging  her  thanks. 

A  man  should  pay  the  same  mannerly  tribute  to 
her  sex  when  a  woman  enters  an  elevator,  and  re- 
main uncovered  during  her  stay  therein.  In  a  pic- 
ture gallery,  in  the  lift  of  a  business  building,  in 
corridors  or  vestibule  of  a  theatre  or  in  a  hotel  office, 
being  public  thoroughfares,  a  man  retains  his  hat; 
but  if  she  pass  him  and  the  way  be  narrow  he  makes 
way  for  her  and  lifts  his  hat.  In  hotel  lifts  and 
corridors  he  removes  it  if  women  are  present. 

A  gentleman  always  raises  his  hat  upon  recog- 
nizing an  acquaintance  who  has  a  lady  with  him. 
If  the  friend  with  whom  he  may  happen  to  be  bows 
to  a  lady,  he  shows  the  same  courtesy,  though  she 
may  be  unknown  to  him.  Should  a  lady  be  with 
him,  and  recognize  a  friend,  man  or  woman,  he 
should  lift  his  hat  in  salutation. 

The  A  bow  should  always  be  returned,  — 

etiquette    one  may   be    mistaken   for   some    one 

of  a  bow    ejse>  —  an(j    may  be   cordia^    gracious, 

deferential,  formal,  friendly,  or  familiar,  but  never 
other  than  polite. 

28 


SALUTATIONS 


Should  we  receive  a  bow  from  some  one 
whom  we  wish  to  avoid,  if  a  discreet  blindness 
that  cannot  wound  be  impossible,  a  slight  bow 
unaccompanied  with  a  smile  may  suffice  to  mark 
the  degree  of  acquaintance  that  we  desire  to 
acknowledge. 

To  give  the  cut  direct  is  a  discourtesy  of  which 
no  person  of  any  breeding  would  be  guilty.  A 
gentleman  who  had  been  an  old  family  friend  of  a 
woman  who  through  a  wealthy  marriage  had  be- 
come socially  conspicuous,  said  of  her:  "Mrs. 
V.  bows  to  me  with  her  eyelids  now.  Well, 
I  suppose  that  she  must  draw  the  line  some- 
where !  " 

Men  raise  their  hats  to  each  other  when  they 
are  introduced,  when  they  have  ladies  with  them, 
as  a  mark  of  deference  to  their  elders,  and  in 
acknowledgment  of  any  trifling  service  shown 
to  a  woman  in  their  charge.  A  clergyman  is 
shown  this  courtesy.  A  gentleman  raises  his 
hat  to  his  mother,  father,  or  sister  when  meet- 
ing them  on  the  street  or  in  taking  leave  of 
them. 

Our  young  men  are  sometimes  open  to  criticism 
by  the  neglect  of  a  small  courtesy  that  Europeans 
invariably  pay  one    another.     When  a  A      int  of 
man   addresses   a   young  woman    at   a  etiquette 

ball  or  reception,  he  is  apt  to  ignore  her  neglected 
,.         .,          .c  ,       ,  in  America 

companion  altogether,  if  he  be  a  man. 

If  the  girl  presents  them,  she  is  often  astonished 
to  hear  the  new-comer  say  with  utmost  familiarity, 

29 


ETIQUETTE     FOR      ALL      OCCASIONS 

"  Halloa,  Jack!  "  —  or  whatever  his  most  intimate 
name  may  be,  —  adding  for  her  enlightenment, 
"  Oh,  we  went  to  school  together,"  or,  "  We  are 
old  chums."  Courtesy  demands  that  he  bow  to  the 
lady's  companion  before  addressing  her,  though 
he  may  bow  to  her  first.  The  salute  is  the  proper 
recognition  of  the  other's  presence,  and  implies  an 
apology  for  intruding  upon  his  intercourse  with 
the  lady. 

Bowing        A  man  addressing  a  lady  out  of  doors 

conven-    takes  his  hat  quite  off,  and  remains  un- 
tions      covered  until  she  asks  him  to  resume  it, 
which   she   will   do  promptly  if  she  is 
either  well  bred  or  considerate. 

Although,  as  has  been  said,  a  man  waits  for  a 
lady  to  bow  first,  among  friends  one  does  not  wait 
for  the  other;  the  recognition  would  be  simul- 
taneous. 

When  men  are  riding  or  driving  and  cannot  lift 
their  hats,  they  bow  bending  from  the  waist,  and 
raise  the  whip  to  the  hat-brim. 

It  often  happens  that  ladies  who  entertain  hos- 
pitably invite  many  young  men  to  their  houses 
whose  families  they  know,  but  whom  they  some- 
times fail  to  recognize  on  the  street.  Young  men 
must  not  be  over-sensitive  in  these  matters.  That 
a  lady  invites  him  to  her  house  is  an  evidence  of 
her  acknowledgment  of  his  acquaintance,  and  he 
may  lift  his  hat  in  passing  her  in  token  of  respect, 
though  he  does  not  look  at  her  and  so  challenge 
her  recognition. 

3° 


SALUTATIONS 


In  the  matter  of  salutations,  the  courtesy  has  had 
a  revival,  —  not  the  ceremonious  inclination  of  the 
times  of  our  stately  grandmothers,  but 
a  curious  little  dip,  a  slight,  quick  bend- 
ing  of  the    knee,    that   in    England    is 
known  as  the  "  charity  bob  "  in  society  slang,  it 
having  long  been  there  the  usual  acknowledgment 
by  a  beneficiary  in  accepting  alms  or  favors,  and 
is    a    somewhat    wooden-jointed    reverence.      In 
France  it  has  always  had  place  among  the  social 
traditions  of  the  ladies  of  the  Faubourg  St.  Ger- 
main, —  that  stronghold  of  Parisian  exclusiveness, 
whose   reverences  show  the  nicest   gradations   of 
etiquette. 

With  a  Frenchwoman  salutation  is  an  art.  From 
the  low,  sweeping  courtesy  at  a  first  introduction  to 
a  womtn  of  higher  rank  than  her  own,  down  to  the 
familiar  nod  and  extended  hand  with  which,  with- 
out rising  from  her  sofa,  she  greets  her  men 
friends,  the  exact  degree  of  permitted  intimacy  is 
indicated.  We,  being  a  stiff- necked  generation,  are 
not  so  proficient,  but  it  has  been  considered  good 
form  for  the  past  few  years  for  young  girls  to 
make  the  little  inclination  when  accepting  the 
hand  of  an  older  woman  extended  in  greeting, 
particularly  if  that  lady  be  her  hostess.  As  the 
fashion  was  inaugurated  by  those  having  the  ad- 
vantage of  social  prestige,  it  has  had  a  season  of 
popularity,  but  is  already  on  the  wane.  Any  little 
mark  of  deference  from  youth  to  age  is  worthy  of 
encouragement  in  America,  but  there  is  among  us 

31 


ETIQUETTE     FOR      ALL      OCCASIONS 

a  rampant  protest  against  artificiality  in  any  form, 
which  is  commendable  in  theory. 

The  Anglo-Saxons  are  said  to  be  fond  of  shak- 
ing hands,  and  as  a  vehicle  for  the  emotions,  it 

seems  to  satisfy  all  the  requirements  for 

Shaking  * 

hands  friendly  intercourse,  —  expressing  cor- 
diality, sympathy,  congratulation,  even 
affection,  as  well,  we  think,  as  the  effusive  embraces 
between  bearded  men  that  we  sometimes  see  on 
the  Continent.  Hand  meets  hand  in  friendly 
clasp,  but  only  real  intimacy  authorizes  any  other 
touch  of  the  person.  A  slap  on  the  back  from 
any  one  but  a  close  friend  is  an  unwarrantable 
liberty. 

The  custom  of  shaking  hands  comes  from  the 
remotest  barbarism,  when  two  men,  meeting,  gave 
each  other  their  weapon  hands  as  a  security'against 
treachery. 

Much  might  be  said  on  the  subject  of  hand- 
shaking. Some  hands  feel  like  a  dead  thing,  so 
inertly  do  they  drop  from  one's  clasp ;  others  by 
over-cordiality  inflict  torture  if  rings  are  worn, 
while  others  again  are  impertinent  in  giving  too 
lingering  a  pressure.  Verily  breeding  is  shown  in 
trifles. 

As  has  been  said,  men  shake  hands  with  each 
other  at  introductions;  women,  only  when  desiring 
to  be  especially  cordial. 

Of  course,  a  man  never  offers  his  hand  first  to 
a  lady  (unless  he  is  her  host,  when  he  may  do  so 
with  all  propriety),  but  must  wait  for  her  initia- 

32 


SALUTATIONS 


tive;  nor  will  he  take  her  ungloved  hand  in  his 
without  first  removing  his  own  glove,  though  it 
is  better  to  retain  it  than  to  be  awkward  and 
too  obviously  concerned  about  it.  Among  friends 
one  does  not  wait  for  the  other,  punctilio  is  not 
in  place. 

When  greeting  mother  and  daughters,  one  should 
be  particular  to  shake  hands  with  the  mother  first; 
and  upon  making  calls,  a  woman  often  finds,  upon 
entering  the  drawing-room,  that  personal  friends 
have  preceded  her.  She  must  be  careful  to  greet 
her  hostess  first,  ignoring  all  others  until  after  that 
courtesy  has  been  paid. 

Even  the  manner  of  shaking  hands  is  regulated 
by  convention.  Both  hands  held  out  at  a  distance 
from  the  body  express  the  extreme  of  intimate 
cordiality,  and  the  hand  opened  wide,  palm  upward, 
with  the  arm  held  almost  straight,  marks  a  degree 
of  familiarity  that  the  bent  elbow  and  partly  closed 
hand  does  not  suggest.  In  accepting  the  hand  of 
Royalty  at  a  presentation,  one  receives  it  on  the 
upper  side  of  one's  own  open  hand,  so  supporting 
it  while  one  bends  and  kisses  it.  To  clasp  the 
august  member  would  be  the  extreme  of  bad 
form. 

Time  was,  not  very  long  ago,  when  women  kissed 
each  other  habitually  when  meeting  and  parting, 

even  in  the  street,  if  intimacy  warranted 

-ru  j    j  Kissing 

it.      The    custom   is   now   regarded  as 

provincial,  except  among  close  friends  and  in  pri- 
vate.    Mechanical,  perfunctory  kisses  cheapen  one 
3  33 


ETIQUETTE     FOR     ALL      OCCASIONS 

of  the  few  modes  of  expression  inspired  by  our 
tenderest  emotions.  The  custom  is  a  curious  one 
when  one  stops  to  analyze  it.  In  the  Society  and 
Friendly  Islands  they  rub  noses,  —  "other  lands, 
other  ways." 


34 


Chapter  Third—  INVITATIONS  AND 

ANNOUNCEMENTS 

'N  Oriental  scholar  tells  us  that  when 
a  rich  man  made  a  feast  in  old 
Jerusalem,  the  socially  elect  were 
notified  by  servants  sent/  to  the 
houses  of  the  several  guests  to 
make  the  announcement,  "  Come,  for  all  things 
are  now  ready." 

In  default  of  clocks  and  watches,  such  an  ar- 
rangement was  an  insurance  against  belated 
arrivals. 

What  an  economy  of  effort  is  our  privilege  in 
these  days,  when  on  hospitable  thoughts  intent! 
A  competent  engraver  and  the  indefatigable  post- 
man leave  us  but  the  trouble  to  make  the  selection 
of  our  guests,  since  the  invitations  may  even  be 
addressed  where  they  are  printed,  if  it  be  so 
desired. 

The  square  of  card-board  or  hand-written  note 
stands  for  much.  To  the  recipients  it  is  the  rec- 
ognition that  they  have  a  place  among  their  fel- 
lows, that  they  are  wanted,  —  that  "  the  pleasure 
of  their  company  is  requested  "  falls  agreeably  on 
the  ear. 

35 


ETIQUETTE     FOR     ALL     OCCASIONS 

An  invitation  being  a  compliment,  the  wording 
is   always  cordially  courteous.      Its   conventional 
The       form   for    ceremonious    functions    is   a 
proper     large,  unglazed  card,  or  sheet  of  heavy 
form  for    English    paper,    usually    engraved     in 
invitations         .        though>  for   the   gake  of  novelty) 


the  lettering  varies  according  to  fashion. 

Wedding    and     dinner     invitations   are    always 

issued    in  the   names   of    host   and    hostess,    but 

In  whose    ^or  balls,  dances,  afternoon  receptions, 

name      teas,  and  garden-parties,  the  invitations 

issued  are  sent  m  the  name  of  the  hostess 
alone,  for  some  unexplained  reason,  except  when 
a  widower  entertains  for  his  daughters.  If  a 
daughter  preside  over  his  household,  her  name 
should  appear  jointly  with  his. 

If  a  reception  is  given  in  the  evening,  the  hus- 

band's name  should  appear  on  the  invitation  and 

he   would    receive   with   his   wife.      A 

Evening    yOUnrr   girl    should    never   invite    men 
receptions  , 

in     her   own     name   for   any   function, 

however  informal,  but  she  may  write  over  her 
own  signature  that  her  mother  or  chaperon 
desires  her  to  extend  the  invitation. 

The  word    "  ball  "    is  never  used    in  a  private 

invitation.      The    object  of  the  entertainment  is 

Invitations  indicated  by  the  word  "  Dancing  "  or 

for  balls    "  Cotillion  "  in  one  corner  of  the  card 

and  dances  Qr   sheet        The    ugual   form    jg   ft    large 

card  with  the  words,  — 


INVITATIONS     AND     ANNOUNCEMENTS 

Mrs.  Irving  Knickerbocker 

At  Home 
Thursday  evening,  January  the  fourth 

at  ten  o'clock 
Cotillion  at  eleven 
R.  s.  v.  p. 

Fifty  West  Fiftieth  Street 

It  is  considered  more  elegant,  however,  to  leave  a 
blank  for  the  name  to  be  written  in,  addressing 
the  guest  in  the  third  person,  — 

Mrs.  Irving  Knickerbocker 
requests  the  pleasure  of 


company  on  Wednesday  evening 
January  the  fourth,  at  ten  o'clock 

Dancing 

Twenty-Fifth  Avenue 

In  the  case  of  a  costume  ball  the   special  fea- 
ture of  the  entertainment  is  engraved  in 
the  lower  left-hand  corner  of  the  card  of      balls 
invitation,  —  "Bal  poudreY'  "  Costume." 

For  a  dinner  dance  two  sets  of  invitations  are 
issued.  To  those  whom  the  hosts  wish  to  enter- 
tain at  dinner  a  note  is  written,  or  an 

engraved    dinner-card    used,    with   the      , mner 

dances 

name    written    in,    and    "  Dancing    at 
eleven  "  in  the  corner.     To  those  invited  for  the 
dancing    only,   the    usual    "  At    Home "    card    is 
sent,  with  the  words  "  Dancing  at  eleven  "  in  the 
lower  left-hand  corner. 

37 


ETIQUETTE     FOR     ALL     "OCCASIONS 

For  an  informal  dance  the  invitations  are  writ- 
ten,   either   in  the   formula   previously 

dances 


quoted  or  in  a  friendly  note.     Original- 


ity is  not   looked  for;    every  one  fol- 
lows the  stereotyped  form,  — 

MY  DEAR  Miss  JAY, 

Will  you  give  us  the  pleasure  of  your  company 
at  an  informal  little  dance,  on  Tuesday  evening, 
February  the  fourth,  at  nine  o'clock? 

The  Cotillion  will  begin  at  ten,  and  we  hope 
that  no  previous  engagement  may  deprive  us  of 
the  pleasure  of  seeing  you. 

Very  cordially  yours, 

KATHERINE  LIVINGSTON. 
January  the  twenty-third. 

If  the  note-paper  be  not  engraved  with  the  ad- 
dress, it  should  of  course  be  written. 

For  a  subscription  ball,  such  as  the  Assembly, 

the  card  is  double,  opening  like  a  book, 
Subscrip-    . 
tion  dances m    or"er   to    accommodate    the  names 

of  the   patronesses  within,   and  is  en- 
graved, — 

The  pleasure  of 

company  is  requested  at  the 

Second  Assembly 

Thursday,  January  the  twenty-eighth 
at  nine  o'clock 

Then  follow  the  names  of  the  four  ladies  of  the 
Reception   Committee.     It  is  customary  to   state 

38 


INVITATION'S     AND     ANNOUNCEMENTS 

on  the  card  where  the  ball  is  to  take  place,  but 
the  patronesses  of  the  Assembly  omit  it,  assuming 
that  it  is  too  well  known  to  require  mention.  If  a 
single  card  is  used,  the  names  of  the  patronesses 
are  engraved  at  the  back.  Each  subscriber  is 
usually  entitled  to  five  or  six  cards  of  invitation, 
which  he  distributes  among  his  friends. 

The  person  giving  the  invitation  encloses  the 
card  with  a  note,  saying  in  few  words  that  the  writer 
hopes  that  the  recipient  may  be  able  to  use  it.  It 
usually  encloses  as  well  a  "  voucher  "  or  "  coupon," 
—  a  small  card  bearing  the  date  of  the  ball  and  the 
name  of  the  guest,  to  be  presented  at  the  door,  as 
a  safeguard  against  the  intrusion  of  persons  not 
invited. 

A  sample  invitation  for  a    dancing-       For 

class  reads  as  follows :  —  dancing- 

classes 
The  pleasure  of 

M company  is  requested 

as  a  member  of  the  Fortnightly  Dances  to  be  held 
in  The  Astor  Gallery,  Waldorf-Astoria,  on  Tuesday 
evenings,  Dec.  4th  and  i8th,  Jan.  8th  and  22nd, 
Feb.  5th  and  ipth,  1900-1901. 

Cotillion  from  half-past  nine  until  half-past 
twelve. 

Dues  $15.00,  payable  before  November  ist. 

Patronesses. 

(Here  follow  the  ladies'  names.) 
As  the  membership  is  limited,  an  answer  is  re- 
quested before  May  first,  to 

(Name  and  address) 
39 


ETIQUETTE     FOR     ALL     OCCASIONS 

A  sheet  of  coupons  accompanies  each  card  of 
membership.     These  vouchers  are  dated,  and  one 
is  detached,  signed,  and  presented  at  the  door  of 
the  hall  where  the  dance  takes  place,  at  each  meet- 
ing of  the  class.     The  privilege  of  inviting  guests 
is  occasionally  allowed  to  the  members  of  the  class, 
upon  payment  of  a  stipulated  sum  for  each.    In  each 
case  the  permission  of  a  patroness  must  be  secured. 
For  an  informal  dance  the  invitations  are  sent  out 
two  weeks  in  advance  of  the  entertainment,  for  a 
When  to    ^a^   the   earlier    notification   of    three 
send  the    weeks  is  customary,  but  where  special 
invitations  costume  is  to  be  a  marked  feature  of  the 
function,  guests  are  bidden  four  or  five  weeks  before 
the  date  fixed  upon. 

Where  bachelors  are  the  hosts,  they  never  rep- 
resent themselves  as  "  At  Home  "  in  an  invitation, 
Invitations  but  "  request  the  honor  "  of  the  guests' 
from  presence.     Mrs.  Sherwood,  in  her  book 

bachelors    Qn   „  Sodal    Usage)»  tells    an    amusing 

story  of  a  young  man  who  was  guilty  of  this  faux 
pa$  and  received  in  reply  to  his  invitation,  "  Mrs. 

is  happy  to  hear  that  Mr.  So  and  So  is  at  home, 

and  hopes  that  he  may  remain  there,  but  of  what 

possible  interest  is  it  to  Mrs. !  "     The  reproof 

was  witty  and  well  merited,  but  what  of  the  lady's 
own  politeness? 

For  a  ball  or  large  dance  where  the  preparations 
Requesting  are  on  an  extensive  scale,  one  may  ask 
invitations  an  invitation  for  a  friend,  if  that  friend 
be  a  distinguished  person,  a  young  dancing  man 

40 


INVITATIONS     AND     ANNOUNCEMENTS 

for  whom  one  can  answer,  or  some  one  who  will 
contribute  to  the  brilliancy  or  charm  of  the  enter- 
tainment; but  if  courteously  expressed,  a  nega- 
tive reply  should  never  give  offence.  A  hostess 
is  often  unable  to  ask  all  whom  she  herself  would 
like  to.  Consideration  for  other  guests  should 
prevent  a  too  generous  hospitality. 

For  a  single  reception,  or  for  an  after-      F°r  a 

noon     entertainment     to    introduce    a   recePtlon 

....  or  d6bu- 

daughter  to  society,  the  form  of  mvita-    tante  tea 

tion  is  as  follows  :  — 

Mrs.  George  De  Forest  Winthrop 
Miss  Winthrop 

At  Home 

on  Saturday,  January  the  sixth 

from  four  until  seven  o'clock 

Five,  Fifth  Avenue 

It  is  in  accordance  with  custom  and  propriety 
that  a  mother  shall  include  in  her  invitations  for 
her  daughter's  "  coming  out "  reception  the  sons 
of  all  her  friends  ;  and  often  an  intimate  friend, 
knowing  certain  young  men  for  whom  she  can 
vouch,  will  ask  for  invitations  for  them,  and  will 
enclose  with  each  one  her  own  visiting-card.  When 
a  second  daughter  is  "  introduced,"  her  name  as 
Miss  "  So  and  so  "  Winthrop  should  be  placed  be- 
neath her  sister's,  if  she  is  unmarried. 

When  a  lady  expects  to  receive  on  two  or  more 
days  in  a  month,  she  uses  her  visiting-cards  with 
the  dates  engraved  —  or,  more  informally,  written 

41 


ETIQUETTE     FOR     ALL      OCCASIONS 

—  in  one  corner  to  apprise  her  friends  of  the  fact. 

Her  card  may  also  be  used  to  invite  a  few  friends 

Invitations  ^or  a  small  afternoon  tea,  a  tennis  party, 

for  "  Days  or  any  simple  gathering  when  one  would 

at  Home"  emphasize  informality. 

Invitations  for  receptions  should  include  one's 
entire  acquaintance.  Hesitation  is  sometimes  felt 
at  asking  persons  in  mourning.  For  a  few  weeks 
after  a  bereavement  invitations  would  seem  intrusive, 
but  after  that  people  are  pleased  at  being  remem- 
bered. No  response  should  be  expected  from  them. 
Enclosed  with  a  formal  card  of  invitation  for  a 
reception  is  sometimes  the  visiting-card  of  a  mar- 
ried daughter  or  some  other  member  of  the  family 
closely  identified  with  it. 

When   receptions  are  given  in  honor   of  some 
Receptions  distinguished  guest,  it  is  usual  to  preface 
in  honor    the  invitation  with  the  form,  — 

T°  meCt 
The  Honorable  Peter  Stirling 

The  members  of  a  club  formed  for  social  pur- 
Invitations  poses  are  provided  with  engraved  cards 

to  club  of  invitation,  with  blanks  to  be  filled  in, 
receptions  inwriting;  for  example,  — 

M 

requests  the  pleasure  of 

company the 


at  nine  o'clock  punctually 
to  meet  the  Thursday  Evening  Club 

No R.  s.  v.  p. 

42 


INVITATIONS     AND     ANNOUNCEMENTS 

The  initials  standing  for  the  French  words, 
"  Repondez,  s'il  vous  plait,"  are  going  somewhat 
out  of  fashion.  As  they  are  a  reminder  to  be 
polite,  their  omission  is  perhaps  in  better  taste. 
They  should  not  be  written  in  four  capitals,  as  is 
sometimes  done  most  incorrectly. 

The  etiquette    governing   dinner  invitations    is 
simple,  but   not    always   understood.     Foreigners 
visiting   us    wonder   at    receiving    invi-  invitations 
tations  to  dine  "  informally  "  and  find-         for 
ing    an    elaborate   entertainment.     The    dinners 
phrase  is  sometimes  honest,  sometimes  an  affecta- 
tion;  but  the  form  of  the  invitation  should  convey 
plainly  the  sort   of  entertainment   that   one  may 
expect  and  dress  for.     The  interval  between  the 
invitation  and  the  dinner  is  also  an  indication. 

Two  weeks  is  the  customary  time  of  notification 
before  a  dinner,  although  during  the  height  of  the 

season,  where  it  is  desirable  to  secure   , 

When  to 

some  special  guest,  a  clever  hostess  will       send 
sometimes  anticipate  the  usual  interval  invitations 

by  a  day  or  two,  and  so  gain  precedence       for  a 
,.      ,         .      .  dinner 

for  her  invitation. 

For  an  informal  dinner,  breakfast,  or  luncheon, 
the  invitations  may  be  deferred  until  within  a  week 
of  the  time  set  for  the  entertainment  —  or,  better, 
ten  days,  to  allow  /or  regrets  and  substitutions. 

For    ceremonious    dinners     the    en-    Form  of 
graved  card  is  used,  like  that  for  recep-  invitation 
tions.     The  guest's  name,  the  hour  and  f°T^*™°~ 
date  are  written  in  by  hand.  dinners 

43 


ETIQUETTE     FOR     ALL      OCCASIONS 

Mr.  and  Mrs.  Elliot  Carleton 
request  the  pleasure  of 


company  at  dinner 

on 

at o'clock 

Nine,  Gramercy  Park 

Persons  who  entertain  often,  keep  these  blank 
forms  to  be  filled  in  upon  occasion.  They  are 
technically  called  "  engraved  blank  cards,"  and 
are  found  very  convenient.  The  particular  nature 
of  the  entertainment  is  written  in  the  lower  left- 
hand  corner. 

Written        For  a  less  formal  dinner  the  hostess 
invitations  would  write  as  follows :  — 
Mr.  and  Mrs.  Elliot  Carleton 
would  be  happy  to  see 
Mr.  and  Mrs.  Blank 
at  dinner,  on  Wednesday 
January  the  twenty-fourth 

at  eight  o'clock 
January  the  tenth 

The  note-paper  usually  has  the  address,  but  if 
it  bear  only  the  family  arms  or  crest  the  address 

should  be  written  in. 

invitation        ^or   an    informal   little   dinner,    and 
for  a  little  indeed    on    most    ordinary    occasions, 

dinner     ^g  hostess  writes :  — 
MY  DEAR  MRS.  LIVINGSTON, 

Will  you  and  Mr.  Livingston  give  us  the  pleas- 
ure of  your  company  at  dinner  on  Wednesday 

44 


INVITATIONS      AND      ANNOUNCEMENTS 

evening,  January  the  twenty-fourth,  at  half  after 
seven  o'clock? 

Hoping  that  nothing  may  disappoint  us  of  see- 
ing you, 

I  am  yours  cordially, 

FLORENCE  CARLETON. 
January  the  tenth. 

For  a  friendly  little  feast  a  week's  notice,  or 
less,  suffices,  and  the  guests  are  bidden    Among 
by  unconventional,  spontaneous   notes,    intimate 
which    by    their    very    style    seem    to     fnends 
promise   "  a  good   time,"  yet  for  which  no  pre- 
scribed form  is  possible. 

Eleventh-hour  invitations  are  only  for  intimate 
friends,  to  whom  the  circumstances  should  be 
frankly  explained  and  their  presence  requested  as 
a  special  favor. 

Luncheon  invitations  follow  the  same  rules  as 
those    prescribed    for    dinners,    except  Invitations 
that  an  engraved  invitation  is  less  fre-        for 
quently  used,  as   the   entertainment  is 
generally  somewhat  informal.  breakfasts 

For   a   ceremonious    drawing-room    concert,  to 
be  given  in  the  evening,  the  invitations  invitations 
are  issued  in  the  names  of  the  host  and        for 
hostess.     The   engraved    "  At    Home  "  musicaies, 

card    is   used,  with   the   names   of  the       car. 

parties, 

guests  written    in.     In   the   lower   left-     private 
hand  corner  the  word  "  Music  "  is  en-  theatricals, 
graved,  or  the  special  musical  attraction  recitatlons 
of  the  evening  is  there  mentioned. 

45 


ETIQUETTE      FOR     ALL     OCCASIONS 

For  an  afternoon  "  musicale,"  which  is  always 
more  informal  than  an  evening  function,  a 
hostess  uses  her  visiting-card  to  notify  her  friends 
of  her  desire  for  their  presence.  In  the  lower  left 
corner  is  written  either  simply  the  word  "  Music  " 
or  the  chief  feature  of  the  entertainment  to  be 
given,  adding  between  what  hours  the  guests  are 
expected.  Or  less  formally,  she  may  write  a  brief 
message  on  her  card ;  as,  for  instance,  "  Will  you 
come  in  on  Wednesday  afternoon  for  a  cup  of  tea 

and  to  hear  a  little  music  —  or  to  hear  Mr. 

sing  —  which,  I  think,  you  will  enjoy?"  The 
same  rules  are  followed  for  other  hospitalities ;  the 
words  "  Private  Theatricals,"  "  Cards,"  "  Recita- 
tions," etc.  indicating  the  nature  of  the  entertain- 
ment 

A  house  party  requires  such  careful  selection 
Invitations  °^  guests  that  invitations  may  be  given 

for  house  at  anytime  that  will  insure  their  accept- 

parties     ance  by  the  persons  desired. 

In  inviting  friends  to  visit  us  for  several  days, 
we  now  imitate  the  English  frankness  and  state 
plainly  how  long  the  visit  is  to  last.  It  is  kind 
to  be  explicit,  and  every  one  understands  that  in 
order  to  plan  for  other  guests  definite  arrange- 
ments are  necessary. 

Should  the  hostess  leave  the  matter  in  uncer- 
tainty, the  visitor  in  his  reply  to  the  invitation 
should  mention  the  length  of  the  intended  visit. 

The  words  "house  party"  are  never  used  in 
an  invitation.  The  hostess  writes,  "  I  am  asking 

46 


INVITATIONS     AND     ANNOUNCEMENTS 

a  few  friends,"  etc.  She  usually  mentions  the 
friends  who  are  expected,  and  suggests  the  sports 
and  pastimes  that  the  place  affords,  that  it  may  be 
known  what  dress  will  be  required.  A  time-table 
is  often  enclosed  with  the  invitation,  indicating  the 
train  or  boat  to  be  taken,  or  offering  a  selection. 

All  invitations  are  given  in  the  name  of  the  lady 
of  the  house,  though  a  man  may  not  hesitate,  of 
course,  to  accept  the  invitation  of  his  host.  It 
is  more  courteous  if  that  gentleman  include  his 
wife's  name  when  giving  the  invitation. 

When    bidding   guests  to    a    garden  party   the 
most  careful  and  detailed  information  should  be 
given  about  trains  and  conveyances,  —     „ 
mentioning  the  hour  for  the  return  as     parties 
well  as  for  the  arrival  of  guests. 

When  an  opera  or  theatre  party  is  in  contem- 
plation, the  same  number  of  men  and  women  are 
invited,  a  week  or  a  fortnight  before  the 

evening  decided  upon.     The  entertain-    Theatre 

parties 
ment  either  begins  with  a  dinner  or  ends 

with  a  supper.  Engraved  invitations  are  never  used 
for  such  hospitalities,  but  a  friendly,  informal  note 
should  give  all  possible  information  that  is  likely 
to  be  desired.  No  mention  need  necessarily  be 
made  of  the  supper,  unless  among  intimate  friends. 
It  is  taken  for  granted  if  there  is  no  invitation  for 
dinner.  If  the  performance  is  to  be  at  the  opera, 
a  woman  is  glad  of  a  hint  whether  the  seats  are  to 
be  in  the  orchestra  or  in  a  box. 

If  a  man  invites  a  theatre  party,  he  secures  the 
47 


ETIQUETTE     FOR     ALL     OCCASIONS 

chaperon  first,  and  mentions  her  name  in  the  other 
invitations. 

Verbal  invitations  are  apt  to  place  a  person  in 

an  embarrassing  position.     One  should  always  be 

given  the  chance  to  decline.     Of  course, 

.     er  .a      among   intimate    friends  all   such   con- 
mvitations  D 

siderations  are  in  abeyance.  Where  a 
verbal  invitation  has  been  accepted,  it  is  always 
wise  to  send  a  few  lines  by  way  of  reminder,  stat- 
ing the  day  and  hour  of  the  entertainment. 

Invitations  by  telephone  are  found  too  conven- 
ient not  to  be  popular,  but  they  are, 
Invitations       r  i  ,  ... 

...         of  course,  only  used  among  intimate 
by  telephone 

friends. 

Formal  betrothal  announcements  are  chiefly  in 

favor    among   persons    of  German    parentage    or 

Betrothal  descent.     I  might  whisper,  in  very  small 

announce-  print,  that  possibly  with  us  the  unstable 

ments      nature    of   an    engagement    makes    us 

deprecate  too  much  publicity. 

Notice  of  a  betrothal  is  sent  by  the  young 
woman's  parents  to  their  friends,  while  the  pro- 
spective bridegroom  acquaints  his  friends  with  the 
news  of  his  happiness,  at  least  six  weeks  before  the 
marriage ;  the  cards  being  engraved  as  follows :  — 

Mr.  and  Mrs.  Gustav  Muller 

have  the  pleasure  to  announce 

the  betrothal  of  their  daughter 

Friede 

to 
Mr.  Albrecht  von  Zeller. 


INVITATIONS     AND     ANNOUNCEMENTS 

The  card  sent  by  the  young  man  states  that "  he 
has  the  honor  to  announce  his  betrothal  to  Miss 
Friede  Muller,  daughter  of  Mr.  and  Mrs.  Gustav 
Muller." 

It  is  a  custom  favored  by  some  persons  to  an- 
nounce to  their  acquaintance  the  news  of  the  birth 
of  a    child.     A  tiny  card  bearing    the  Announc- 
name  of  the  new  arrival  is  tied  by  a  nar-    ing  birth 
row  white  ribbon  to  a  larger  card  upon  °  a 
which  are  engraved  the  names  of  the  parents.     A 
card  should  be  sent  at  once  upon  its  receipt,  with 
the  word  "  Congratulations "  written  upon  it,  or 
some  expression  that  may  briefly  convey  to  the 
happy  parents  that  one  rejoices  with  them ;    but 
a  note    announcing  the  joyous  event  —  which   is 
the  usual  notification  among  friends  —  should  be 
answered  by   a  note,  written  with  hearty,  kindly 
sympathy. 

The  style  of  invitation  used   for  wedding  anni- 
versaries is  the   regular    "  At  Home  "  card,  with 
the    monogram    stamped    in    gold    or  Invitations 
silver  —  from  a  die  —  at    the    top,    in        for 
the   centre,  with  the  date  of  the  mar-    wedding 


anmver- 


riage  and  the  present  date  engraved, 
on  either  side.  The  words  "  Golden 
Wedding,"  "  Silver  Wedding,"  do  not  appear,  the 
tincture  of  the  monogram  suggests  them.  The 
maiden  name  of  the  wife  and  the  husband's  full 
name  are  engraved  either  at  the  top  or  bottom 
of  the  invitation. 


49 


ETIQUETTE      FOR      ALL      OCCASIONS 

1850  DL  1900 

Mr.  and  Mrs.  John  Darby 

At  Home 

on  Tuesday,  December  the  tenth 
from  eight  until  ten  o'clock 

Eighty  Fifth  Avenue 
John  Darby  Joan  Lovejoy 

Invitations  for  christenings  are  rarely  engraved. 

A    formal    note    "  requesting   the    honor   of  the 

Invitations  presence  "  of  the  guest  at  the  christen- 

for  a       ing,  or  a  friendly  communication  written 

christening  by  the  mother,  or  in  her  name,  are  the 

usual  modes  of  notification. 

It  is  not  permitted  by  etiquette  to  invite  a  hus- 
band   without     his    wife    or    a    wife     without   her 
Inviting    husband,     where  both    are    accessible, 
married    however  regrettable  the   fact   that  the 
pei  sons    „  attractions  of  opposites"  is  responsible 
for  some  very  incongruous  pairing.     Especially  at 
dinners  are  we  conscious  that  married  people  are 
often  mated,  not  matched. 

Invitations  for  weddings,  balls,  receptions,  and 
formal  dinners  are  addressed  to  "  Mr.   and   Mrs. 

Address-  ,"  but  a  note  of  invitation  written  by 

ins        the  hostess  to  the  wife  is  of  course  ad- 
invitations  dressed  on   the   envelope   to    the  lady 

only,  although  it  includes  her  husband.     This  is, 
strange  to  say,  not  always  understood. 

Where  two  sisters  are  invited  by  note,  the  elder 
is  addressed  and  the  younger  included. 

5° 


INVITATIONS     AND     ANNOUNCEMENTS 

Invitations  are  sent  to  "  The  Misses "  where 

there  is  more  than  one  daughter  in  the  household. 
With  this  exception  it  is  proper  to  send  a  separate 
invitation  to  each  member  of  a  family  residing  at 
the  same  address.  "  The  Messrs. "  is  obsolete. 

It  has  always  been  thought  that  the  most  cour- 
teous way  of  sending  invitations  is  by  carrier,  but 
as  it  involves  much  trouble  and  expense    sending 
and    mistakes    have    so    frequently   oc-    the  invi- 
curred,  it  is  now  universally  conceded      tations 
to  be  entirely  correct  to  send  them   by  mail.     In 
such  case  invitations  for  ceremonious  functions  are 
enclosed  in  extra    envelopes,  which   receive    the 
stamp  and  full  address ;  the  inner  envelopes  bear- 
ing but  the  name  are  left  unsealed. 

In  case  of  a  death,  serious  illness,  or  accident, 
the  invitations  may  be  recalled  for  a  wedding  re- 
ception or  other  formal  entertainment 

by    sending  to  the  guests  small    cards  . 
'  invitations 

explaining  the  situation  in  few  words. 

The  cards  may  be  written  or  printed  in  script,  the 

wording  somewhat  as  follows :  — 

Owing  to  a  death  in  the  family, 
Mr.  and  Mrs.  Brayton  Lee  will  be 
unable  to  receive  their  friends  on 
Friday,  January  the  tenth. 

It  is  an  inflexible  rule  that  an  invi-    Answer- 

tation  for  a  dinner,  luncheon,  breakfast,  . 

invitations 
or    theatre-party    should    be    answered 

within  twenty-four  hours.      There  should  be  the 


ETIQUETTE     FOR      ALL     OCCASIONS 

best  possible  reason  for  delay,  if  more  than  a 
day  or  two  elapse  between  the  invitation  and 
the  reply. 

Invitations  for  receptions,  wedding  ceremonies 
at  church,  and  afternoon  teas  require  no  acknowl- 
Invitations  edgment ;    the  presence   of  the  person 
requiring    invited  serves  as  an  acceptance.      The 
no  answers  mvitatiOn   to   the   church   ceremony  is 
little  more  than  an  announcement  of  the  marriage. 
If  unable  to  attend  an  afternoon  tea  or  reception 
to  which  one  is  bidden,  cards  are  sent  enclosed  in 
envelopes  on  the  day  of  the  entertainment,  if  possi- 
ble while  it  is  in  progress. 

It  is  a  safe  rule  that  whenever  it  would  seem  to 
be  a  convenience  to  one's  hostess  to  know  how 
many  guests  to  expect,  to  send  an  answer. 
Forms  of       Replies  should  be  written  in  the  same 
reply  to    style   and    degree   of  formality  as  the 
invitations  invitation,  using  the  first  or  third  per- 
son as  therein  employed. 

In  accepting  an  invitation,  one  should  say,  "It 

gives  me  much  pleasure  to  accept,"  etc,  not  "  it 

will  give."     The  invitation  is  accepted 

ccept"    when  one  promises  to  be  present.     The 
ances  r 

day  and  hour  mentioned  in  the  invita- 
tion should  be  repeated  in  the  acceptance.  It 
gives  assurance  to  the  hostess  that  there  has  been 
no  mistake  or  misunderstanding.  It  is  a  common 
grammatical  error  to  say,  "  It  gives  my  husband 
and  myself  much  pleasure  to  accept,"  etc.  One 
cannot  say,  "  It  gives  myself." 

52 


INVITATIONS     AND     ANNOUNCEMENTS 

A  new  departure  from  established  custom  places 
first  the  name  of  the  person  addressed,    A  novel 
allowing  the  signature  to  take  its  proper  acceptance 
place;  as, — 

Mrs.  Arthur  Griswold's 
very  kind  invitation  for  luncheon  on 

Wednesday,  January  the  tenth 
at  half  after  one  o'clock,  is  accepted 
with  sincere  pleasure  by 

Mary  Field  Morris 

An    invitation   should   never   be    accepted  pro- 
visionally ;  as,  for  instance,  "  I  should  be  Provisional 
delighted  to  accept  your  charming  invi-     accept- 
tation  if  I  am  well  enough,"  or  "  if  I  am      ances 
still  in  town."     These  phrases  are  both  incorrect 
and  impolite. 

One  never  answers  any  form  of  invitation  on  a 
visiting-card,  and  one's  reply  should  be  returned 
by  messenger  if  the  invitation  come  by  hand,  in 
which  case  the  greater  promptitude  is  imposed. 

Married  persons   should  never  reply  _ 

r*    Replies  to 

to  a  dinner  invitation  that  one  will  invitations 
accept  where  both  are  invited  ;  the  twain  by  married 
are  one  in  social  recognition.  persons 

If  a  woman  desires  to  accept  an  invitation  for  a 
dinner,  theatre-party,  or  any  entertain-        An 
ment  where  an  equal  number  of  men  evasion  of 
and  women  is  desirable,  and  her  husband    the  rule 
is  unable  to  accompany  her,  she  may  send  a  regret, 

53 


ETIQUETTE     FOR     ALL     OCCASIONS 

explaining  her  reason,  if  her  intimacy  with  her 
hostess  warrant  it.  If  that  lady  then  wishes  to 
invite  her  alone,  she  may  accept.  A  man  may  do 
likewise. 

When  regrets  are  necessary,  they  should  be  sent 
immediately  upon  receipt  of  the  invitation.  Some 

persons  think  that  a  tardy  regret  con- 
Regrets  * 

veys  the  impression    of   reluctance,  as 

though  one  could  not  resign  one's  self  quickly  to 
the  disappointment.  It  is  a  form  of  mock  politeness 
little  appreciated  by  the  impatient  hostess.  We 
no  longer  "  present  our  compliments,"  but  say 
quite  simply,  — 

Mrs.  Field  regrets  that  a  previous  engagement 
prevents  her  acceptance  of  Mrs.  Griswold's  charm- 
ing invitation  for  luncheon  on  Wednesday,  January 
the  tenth. 

An  invitation  and  reply  gain  somewhat  in  ele- 
gance when  the  names  occupy  each  an  entire 
line.  v 

If  it  be  desired  to  convey  the  idea  of  real  regret, 
one  may  say,  — 

Mrs.  Field 
regrets  sincerely  her  inability  to  accept 

Mrs.  Griswold's 

very  tempting  invitation   for   Tuesday 
evening.      Another    engagement   must 
deprive  her  of  the  pleasure. 
54 


INVITATIONS     AND     ANNOUNCEMENTS 

A  bit  fulsome,  perhaps,  but  one  easily  forgives 
any  over-appreciation  of  a  kindness.  Those  who 
entertain  most,  usually  infuse  much  cordiality  in 
their  responses.  It  is  sometimes  noticed  that  the 
politeness  is  more  effusive  when  the  excuse  for  a 
regret  is  not  apparent.  We  can  all  sympathize 
with  the  young  man  who  telegraphed  his  regret  to 
his  host :  "  Very  sorry.  Cannot  come.  No  lie 
ready  !  "  Alas,  we  may  not  economize  our  polite- 
ness, though  truth  be  at  stake  ! 

It  is  said  with  some  justice  that  it  is  not  neces- 
sary to  make  any  excuses  for  a  regret,  and  that  they 
are  going  out  of  fashion,  since  the  person  giving 
the  invitation  usually  only  desires  to  know  whether 
or  not  it  is  accepted,  the  reasons  being  matters  of 
indifference,  in  view  of  the  fact. 

It  is  an  arbitrary  rule,  perhaps,  but  one  sanc- 
tioned by  custom,  to  address  the  answer  to  an 
invitation  to  the  lady  of  the  house,  even  when  it  is 
one  in  which  her  husband  joins. 

Invitations  to  subscription  dances  are  Replies  to 
acknowledged  to  the  persons  to  whom  invitations 

one  is  indebted    for  their  receipt.     To 

scnption 

those   from   a   ball-committee  one   an-     dances 
swers,  — 

"  Mr.  Blank  accepts  with  pleasure  the  Commit- 
tee's kind  invitation,"  etc. 

It  is  always  wise  to  keep  one's  invita-     Preserve 
tions  until  after  the  function.     One  may        the 

,  .  _  invitation 

have  occasion  to  refer  to  them  to  verify 

a  date  or  excuse  one's  self  for  a  supposed  mistake. 

55 


ETIQUETTE     FOR     ALL     OCCASIONS 

To  ask  a  friend  to  "  come  sometime  "  is  equivalent 
to  no  invitation  at  all.     As  a  rule,  any  time  means 
no   time.     Too   many   well-meaning   persons  are 
impolite  without  knowing  it. 
No  one,  however  intimate,  should  invite  himself 
anywhere.     The  desire  may  be  so  tact- 
onl'  m§lf  falty  conveyed  that  it  may  or  may  not 
be  taken  advantage  of  without  betray- 
ing the  feelings  of  either  party. 

Sometimes  a  lady  not  having  a  large  circle  of 
acquaintances,  or  coming  as  a  stranger  to  a  place, 
Borrowing  but  who  desires  to  give  a  dance  for  her 
a  visiting-  daughter  or  to  do  honor  to  some  dis- 
tinguished guest,  borrows  the  visiting- 
list  of  a  friend  socially  well  known.    The  card  of  the 
lady  who  thus  stands  sponsor  must  be  enclosed 
with  the  invitation,  and  the  lady  herself  aids  the 
hostess  in  receiving  the  guests. 

On  no  account  should  an  invitation  be  lightly 
thrown  over,  for  some  later  suggestion  that  offers 
Honor      a  more  tempting  prospect.    Some  per- 
in  keeping  sons  apparently  feel  at  liberty  to  make 
engage-    and   break   engagements   according  to 
ments      mood  and  caprice,  which  is  not  only  exe- 
crably bad  form,  but  reveals  a  selfish  disregard  for 
the  convenience  of  others. 

A  woman  never  accepts  an  invitation  to  a  house 
for  a  call  or  visit  from  a  man  alone.  Though  he  may 
tell  her  that  his  sisters  are  all  anxiety  to  know  her, 
they  may  express  the  eagerness  in  a  note  of 
invitation  which  should  be  distinctly  cordial. 

56 


INVITATIONS     AND     ANNOUNCEMENTS 

If  we  are  overlooked  while  others  are  invited,  let 
us  be  slow  to  wrath,  and  take  only  the  revenge  of 
making  ourselves  so  agreeable  when  we       self- 
meet  those  who  have  so  slighted  us,  that  respecting 
their  regret  shall  be  more  poignant  than    behavior 
our  own.     For  a  thoroughly  satisfactory  revenge, 
there  is  nothing  better  than  "  coals  of  fire  "  ! 


57 


Chapter  Fourth—  WEDDING   INVI- 
TATIONS AND  ANNOUNCEMENTS 


NVITATIONS  for  a  wedding  gen- 
erally include  the  entire  acquaint- 
ance of  both  the  families  con- 
cerned, but  are  always  issued  by 
that  of  the  bride,  from  two  to  four 
weeks  before  the  ceremony. 

Their  present  form  and  fashion  is  a  large  sheet 
of  heavy  English  paper,  almost  square,  about  seven 
and  a  half  inches  long  by  six  and  a  quarter  inches 
broad,  either  white,  cream-tinted,  or  palest  gray, 
folding  once  to  fit  the  envelope.  Upon  this  is 
engraved  in  script  or  Old  English,  and  occasionally 
in  block  lettering,  the  invitation  to  the  ceremony, 
enclosing  a  card,  about  half  its  size,  for  the  recep- 
tion or  wedding-breakfast.  Simplicity  and  ele- 
gance characterize  them.  No  colored  arms  or 
initials  are  ever  seen,  and  historic  families  are 
usually  the  only  ones  who  use  crests  without 
inviting  criticism.  These  are  embossed  in  white  at 
the  top  of  the  sheet,  as  is  done  occasionally  with 
the  initial  of  the  bride's  family.  The  plain  sheet, 
however,  is  more  fashionable. 

The  prefix  "  Miss  "  is  never  placed  before  the 
young  woman's  name,  but"  Mr."  is  used  invariably 

58 


WEDDING      INVITATIONS 

before  that  of  the  man,  which  is  given  in  full  with- 
out initials.  Officers  in  the  regular  army  and  navy 
above  the  rank  of  lieutenant  have  their  titles  pre- 
fixed in  full,  on  invitations.  A  lieutenant  uses  the 
prefix  "  Mr."  His  rank  and  branch  of  service  are 
engraved  in  a  line  beneath  his  name.  Honorary 
titles  are  never  used,  but  for  a  clergyman  the 
word  "  Reverend  "  is  given  in  full. 

It  is  now  considered  more  elegant  to  address  the 
guest  in  the  third  person,  rather  than  in  the  second 
as  heretofore,  leaving  a  blank  for  the     correct 
name,  which  is  filled  in  by  hand.     It  is  wording  of 
the  more  courtly  form,  and  the  written  mvita*i°ns 
name  seems  to  show  a  more  personal  thought  for 
each  guest,  though  the  older  manner  is  still  correct. 
The  formula  is  — 

Mr.  and  Mrs.  John  Chester  Lloyd 
request  the  honour  of 

's 

presence  at  the  marriage  of  their  daughter 
Florence 

and 

Mr.  James  Barrett  Wood 
on  Wednesday,  April  the  fifth 

at  twelve  o'clock 
at  St.  Bartholomew's  Church 

If  the  invitations  are  to  be  sent  to  acquaintances 
in  other  places,  the  name  of  the  town  or  State  is 
added.  In  New  York  it  is  usually  omitted,  prob- 

59 


ETIQUETTE     FOR     ALL     OCCASIONS 

ably  for  the  same  reason  that  Englishmen  resent 
the  word  "  England  "  being  added  after  "  London  " 
upon  the  address  of  a  letter. 
Cards  for       When  a  church  wedding  is  followed 

wedding    by  a  reception,  a  card  is  enclosed  with 
receptions  jU        .      ..    ,.  , 

a^d       the    invitation    to    the    ceremony,    m- 
breakfast    scribed, — 

Mr.  and  Mrs.  John  Chester  Lloyd 

At  Home 
on  Wednesday,  April  the  fifth 

at  four  o'clock 
Ninety-Fifth  Ave. 

Or,  it  may  repeat  the  wording  of  the  wedding 
invitation,  substituting  the  phrase  "  the  pleas- 
ure of  your  company"  for  "the  honour  of  your 
presence." 

For  a  breakfast  succeeding  a  noon  wedding,  the 
latter  form  is  preferred. 

Fashionable  precedent  thus  far  endorses  the 
R.  s.  v.  p.  on  invitations  for  wedding  breakfasts 
where  the  guests  are  to  be  seated  and  served  at 
table,  or  the  more  elegant  English  form  is  substi- 
tuted :  "  The  favour  of  an  answer  is  requested." 
We  cannot  but  think  that  it  is  because  such  wed- 
ding breakfasts  are  a  comparatively  new  form  of 
entertainment  among  us  that  we  should  need  to  be 
"  reminded  of  our  manners." 

To  insure  the  reservation  of  the  church  for  those 
invited  and  exclude  an  inquisitive  public,  it  is  usual 

60 


WEDDING      INVITATIONS 

to  enclose  a  small  card  in  each  invitation,  with  the 
words,  — 

Please  present  this  card  at 

St.  Bartholomew's  Church 
Madison  Avenue  and  Forty-Fourth  Street 
on  Wednesday,  April  the  fifth 

or  a  card  with  the  single  line,  — 

Please  present  this  card  at  the  Church 

When  a  great  many  invitations  have  been  issued, 
another  card  is  enclosed,  whereon  the  guest's 
name  is  written  in  by  hand,  and  the  words  en- 
graved, — 

Mr.  and  Mrs. 

will  please  present  this  card  to  an  Usher. 

The  gentlemen  in  the  centre  aisle  officiating 
as  ushers  have  lists,  designating  certain  pews  for 
special  friends.  Usually  the  guests  mention  their 
names  to  them,  and  the  list  is  hastily  consulted. 
The  written  name  avoids  the  embarrassment  of 
asking  to  have  the  name  repeated  if  the  usher 
fail  to  catch  it.  Some  persons  feel  that  the  re- 
ligious ceremony  has  more  solemnity  and  signifi- 
cance if  only  their  close  friends  are  present,  and 
issue  general  invitations  only  for  the  reception. 
This  fashion  is  gaining  ground. 

Should  the  wedding  take  place  at  Country 
the  bride's  country  home  or  old  family  weddin&s 
homestead,  cards  giving  full  particulars  about  the 

61 


ETIQUETTE     FOR     ALL     OCCASIONS 

trains  are  always  enclosed  with  the  invitations  sent 
to  friends  at  a  distance ;  as,  for  example,  — 

A  special  train  will  leave  the  Grand 
Central  Station,  New  York,  on  the  New 
York,  New  Haven,  and  Hartford  Railroad 
at  three  thirty  P.  M.  Returning,  will  leave 
Roseleigh  Manor  at  five  forty-five  P.  M. 
Please  present  this  card  at  the  station 
door  and  to  the  conductor. 

This  in  lieu  of  a  ticket.     Or  this  form, — 

Special  cars,  reaching  Grafton  at  twelve 
o'clock,  will  be  attached  to  the  Hartford 
express,  leaving  the  Grand  Central  Sta- 
tion at  ten  o'clock.  Returning,  special 
cars  will  be  attached  to  the  train  leaving 
Grafton  at  three  thirty. 

In  some  cases  a  luncheon  is  served  on  the  train, 
in  courses,  on  the  usual  small  tables.  Of  course 
carriages  will  be  in  waiting  to  convey  the  guests 
to  the  house. 

Thirty  years  ago  a  wedding  invitation  always 
enclosed  the  cards  of  bride  and  groom  tied  together 
with  a  true-lovers'  knot  of  narrow  white  ribbon. 
On  the  lady's  card  the  name  was  modestly  veiled 
by  the  card  of  the  bridegroom,  which,  being 
smaller,  was  placed  on  the  outside.  This  fashion 
lasted  many  years. 

One  young  American  girl  in  Paris,  aiming  at 
novelty,  had  the  name  on  her  card  engraved  with 

62 


WEDDING      INVITATIONS 

a  line  drawn  through  it,  indicating  that "  Miss " 

had  disappeared  from  the  world's  ken. 

A  widower's  name  appears  alone  in  a  wedding 
invitation  for  his  daughter.   In  case  a  bride  were  an 
orphan,  the  invitations  would  be  issued  in  Where  the 
the  name  of  her  eldest  bachelor  brother,  bride  is  an 
but  the  reception  would  be  given  by  a  orphan  or 
married  sister  or   other  relative    or  by    ' 
some  intimate  friend  of  the  family.    Failing  a  bach- 
elor brother,  a  married  brother  and  his  wife,  in  their 
joint  names,  or  a  married  sister  and  her  husband 
would   extend   the    invitations.      If  these  too    be 
lacking,  her  grandparents,  aunt,  or,  if  without  rela- 
tives,  her  guardian,  would  make   the  official  an- 
nouncement of  the  intended  nuptials. 

Where  a  widow  remarries,  her  name  is  accom- 
panied by  the  prefix  "  Mrs,"  though,  as  has  been 
said,  a  girl  is  never  called  "  Miss  "  on     Remar- 
her  wedding  cards ;  otherwise  the  form  is   "age  of  a 
the  same.    When  the  contracting  parties     Wldow 
themselves  send  the  announcement  of  their  mar- 
riage, it  reads,  — 

Mrs.  Marian  Bronson 

and 

Mr.  Warren  Atherton 

have  the  honour  to  announce  their  marriage 

on  Tuesday,  January  the  second 

at  twelve  o'clock 

Grace  Church 

At  a  wedding  to  which  only  the  family  and  close 
friends  are  invited,  it  is   customary  to   send   the 

63 


ETIQUETTE     FOR     ALL     OCCASIONS 

announcements   by   mail,    immediately   after    the 
ceremony. 

Invitations  for  a  house  wedding  are  engraved  as 

for  a  church  ceremony,  but  the  "  pleasure  of  the 

Invitations  guest>s  company  is  requested  "  instead 

for        of  the  more  stately  form  of  asking  the 

house      "honour  of  the  presence  of"  those  in- 

weddmgs   v^e^    which   is   thought    to    appropri- 

ately belong  to  the  more  ceremonious  function. 

Reception    and    breakfast    invitation    cards   are 
never   issued  where  the  wedding   takes   place   at 

the   bride's   home,  as  they  follow   the 
Announc-  J 

ing  the     ceremony  invariably. 
marriage        Parents  would  announce  the   remar- 

widowed     riaS6  °f  a  dauShter  thus>  - 
daughter 


have  the  honour  (or  pleasure)  to  announce 
the  marriage  of  their  daughter 

Dorothy 
(Mrs.  Harold  de  Peyster) 

to 

Mr.  John  Baird  Livingston 

on  Tuesday,  June  the  eleventh,  Nineteen  hundred 
Paris 

It  is  a  question  whether  the  "  honour  "  of  such  an 
announcement  is  not  an  assumption  on  the  parents' 
part. 

Names  of  streets  are  never  abbreviated,  and 
addresses  are  no  longer  given  in  numerals. 

64 


WEDDING      INVITATIONS 

It  is  a  fashion  rapidly  gaining  favor,  to  send  with 
the  wedding  invitations  and  announce-  The  bride's 
ments  a  card  giving  the  bride's  future       new 
address  and  reception  day  ;  thus,  —          address 

At  Home 

Tuesdays,  after  January  tenth 
Nineteen,  West  Fiftieth  Street 

New  York 

No  name  precedes  the  formula,  since  no  such  per- 
son exists  as  is  represented  by  the  bride's  married 
name  at  the  time  that  the  invitation  is  sent. 

In  writing  invitations  for  an  informal  house 
wedding  to  which  few  are  bidden,  the  wording 

differs  according  to  the  degree    of  in- 
Written 
timacy    with    the    persons    addressed.  invitations 

The    duty   devolves    upon   the    bride's 
mother.    To  a  friend  or  relative  of  the  bridegroom's 
with  whom  she  was  not  well  acquainted  she  would 
write  somewhat  as  follows  :  — 

MY  DEAR  MRS.  LEE, 

It  will  give  my  husband  and  me  much  pleasure 
if  you  and  Mr.  Lee  will  come  to  the  very  quiet 
marriage  of  our  daughter  Jean  and  your  nephew 
Mr.  Charles  Lee  (date  and  hour).  We  are  asking 
but  a  few  friends,  and  hope  to  welcome  you  and 
Mr.  Lee  among  them. 

Cordially  yours. 

Careful  lists  having  been  prepared  of  the  entire 
acquaintance    of   both    families,    that   no    one    be 
5  65 


ETIQUETTE      FOR      ALL      OCCASIONS 

overlooked,  the  invitations  are  sent  out,  about  three 
weeks  in  advance  of  the  time  set  for  the  mar- 
Sending  riage»  either  by  messenger  or  mail. 
the  If  sent  by  post,  each  invitation  is  en- 
invitations  cioseci  unsealed  in  a  second  envelope. 
In  sending  wedding  invitations  to  a  family  of  adults, 
one  should  be  addressed  to  the  parents,  one  to  the 
daughters  inclusive,  as  "  The  Misses,"  and  one  to 
each  of  the  sons.  These  invitations  should  be  en- 
closed in  separate  envelopes,  and  may  be  placed 
in  a  large  one  addressed  to  the  head  of  the  house. 
As  a  matter  of  courtesy,  invitations  are  sent  to 
the  bridegroom's  immediate  family. 

"  Mr.  and  Mrs.  Jones  and  Family  "  are  no  longer 
so  designated.  If  the  presence  of  the  minor 
children  is  desired,  invitations  are  sent  to  them. 
In  no  case  is  it  permissible  to  invite  a  husband 
without  his  wife,  or  a  wife  without  her  husband,  if 
both  are  accessible. 

The  distinction  between  friends  and  acquaint- 
ances is  made  in  enclosing  or  withholding  the 
reception  card,  though  the  size  of  the  house 
often  determines  the  matter.  A  breakfast  narrows 
the  circle,  usually,  to  more  intimate  friends.  When 
bereavement  or  illness  necessitates  the  recall  of 
general  invitations,  cards  printed  in  script  (as  de- 
scribed in  the  foregoing  chapter)  are  sent  to  all  the 
invited  guests.  Those  whose  presence  is  desired 
at  the  ceremony  are  then  notified  by  letter. 

Ceremonious  wedding  invitations  require  no 
answer,  unless  they  be  for  a  breakfast  where  a 

66 


•WEDDING      INVITATIONS 

seat  is  to  be  provided  for  each  guest,  but  a  call 
should    be   made   soon  after   the    ceremony,  cer- 
tainly   within     two    weeks,    upon     the  Answering 
bride's  mother,  or  upon  those  in  whose    wedding 
names  the  invitations  are  issued.     The  mvitatlons 
bride  should  be  called   upon,  when   it   is    known 
where  she  may  be  found.     Cards  are  sent  on  the 
day  of  the  function  by  those  unable  to  attend  the 
reception,  addressed  to  those  making  the  invita- 
tion.    The   bride,  not  being  the   hostess,  has  no 
recognition. 

People  living  at  a  distance  send  their  cards  by 
mail  to  assure  their  hosts  that  the  invitation  has 
been  received.     It  goes  without  saying 
that  this  acknowledgment  is  addressed     address 
to  the    persons    giving   the   invitation, 
not   to   the   bride.      If    the    invitation    is   to    the 
church  alone,  no  answer  is  required.      A  written 
invitation    of  course    imposes   the    courtesy   of  a 
prompt  reply.     Any  carelessness  in  regard  to  so 
flattering  an  attention  is  inexcusable. 

A  story  that  went  the  rounds  last  winter  was  of 
a  young  man  —  name  kindly  suppressed  —  who, 
having  overlooked  an  invitation  to  a  small  house 
wedding,  worded  his  regret  to  the  bride,  "  I 
would  of  loved  to  of  gone !  "  Having  added  the 
blunder  of  an  ignorant  note  to  the  crime  of  forget- 
ting a  courtesy,  he  was  not  forgiven. 


67 


Chapter  Fifth— VISITING-CARD  CON- 
VENTIONS 

'HE  Russians  tell  a  story  of  the  late 
Czar  Alexander  III.  that  upon  the 
rare  occasions  when  it  was  incum- 
bent upon  him  to  pay  a  call,  he 
would  take  a  gold  coin  bearing  his 
"image  and  superscription,"  and  twisting  it  be- 
tween his  thumb  and  finger,  leave  it  in  lieu  of  a 
card, — the  only  man  in  Russia  who  had  strength 
for  the  feat.  This  is  the  only  exception  I  have 
heard  of  to  the  use  of  the  little  squares  of  paste- 
board that  for  more  than  a  century  have  been 
the  accredited  representatives  of  our  personal 
identity. 

Before  they  came  into  use,  the  porters  at  the 

doors  or  lodges  of  great  houses  kept  a  visitors' 

Origin     book  in  which  they  scrawled  their  idea 

of  visiting- of  the  names  of  those  who  called  upon 

cards      their  masters  and  their  families.     One 

fine  gentleman,   shocked  to   find    that  his  porter 

kept  so  poor   a   register  of  the  names  of  those 

who  had  done  him  the  honor  to  call  upon  him, 

—  badly  written,   with  spluttering  pen    and   pale 

or  muddy  ink  on  greasy  paper,  —  conceived  the 

idea    of    writing    his    own    name    upon    slips    of 

68 


VISITING-CARD      CONVENTIONS 

paper  or  bits  of  cardboard  in  advance  of  calling 
upon  his  friends,  lest  his  name  should  fare  as  badly 
at  the  hands  of  porter  or  concierge.  The  custom 
was  found  so  convenient  as  to  have  many  imi- 
tators, and  soon  became  general. 

Fashion,  the  tricksy  goddess,  dictated  to  her  vo- 
taries many  styles  of  visiting-cards  before  settling 

upon    the    present   one,  —  some    made 

.  .  .     .  Freaks  of 

with  a  sheen,  to  imitate  silk,  enamel,  or     fashion 

porcelain  or  tinted  in  different  shades. 
Others  were  ornamented  with  allegorical  designs, 
bordered  with  lace  paper  or  covered  with  dainty 
landscapes,  where,  as  in  Du  Maurier's  early  draw- 
ings, one  had  to  search  for  the  name  in  some 
inconspicuous  place. 

Young  men  of  fashion  in  New  York  in  the  early 
forties  affected  a  card  highly  glazed,  with  the 
name  in  such  microscopic  characters  as  to  be 
almost  illegible,  which  had  succeeded  the  cus- 
tom of  engraving  the  facsimile  of  the  owner's 
signature. 

We  always  think  the  last  fashion  the  best,  and 
that  wisdom  will  die  with  us,  but  the  fact  remains 

that  the  etiquette  of  visiting-cards  varies 

,    ......          Varying 

so  much  from  time  to  time  and  differs   etiquette 

so  in  different  places  that  it  is  impossible 
to  formulate  unchangeable  rules.  For  instance, 
the  code  observed  in  Washington  is  somewhat 
different  from  that  followed  in  New  York,  and 
what  is  correct  for  the  residents  of  large  cities  is 
often  too  formal  for  people  who  live  in  suburbs 

69 


ETIQUETTE     FOR     ALL     OCCASIONS 

and  small  towns,  while  new  complications  arise 
because  of  the  increasing  complexity  of  our  social 
life. 

There  are  a  few  rules,  however,  for  visiting 
through  the  proxy  of  a  card  that  the  members  of 
polite  society  in  America  usually  regard,  and  one 
shows  good  breeding  in  fulfilling  their  exigencies. 

Trifles  are  often  important,  and  the  correct  use 
and  appearance  of  the  visiting-card  are  regulated 
by  fashion,  —  the  infringement  of  which  stamps 
one  as  beyond  the  social  pale.  It  is  of  importance 
that  they  be  engraved  at  a' trustworthy  place,  where 
the  demands  of  the  prevailing  fashion  are  well 
understood.  The  correct  size,  thickness  of  the 
card,  and  style  of  engraving  in  vogue  must  all  be 
considered. 

The  present  fashion  for  a  lady's  visiting-card  is 

one  of  medium  size,  almost  square,  engraved  in 

The       script,  Old  English,  or  Roman  letters  on 

fashion  of  thin  bristol    board,  the  address  in  the 

to-day  iower  right-hand  corner,  the  reception 
day  in  the  left.  The  Old  English  type  has  had  a 
recent  revival,  but  a  medium-sized  script  will  prob- 
ably be  more  lasting  in  general  favor.  There 
should  be  but  one  style  of  lettering  on  a  card. 
The  thin  cards  have  the  advantage  that  many  may 
be  carried  at  once,  accommodated  in  the  pocket- 
book  instead  of  exacting  a  separate  card-case  of 
generous  size. 

The  card  of  a  married  woman  is  usually  a  trifle 
larger  than  that  of  a  young  girl.  For  a  year,  at 

70      ' 


VISITING-CARD      CONVENTIONS 

least,  after  a  girl  has  entered  society,  her  name  is 
engraved  below  that  of  her  mother  on  the  same 

card,  as  she  is    not   supposed   to   pay 

cu  u  Women's 

visits  alone.     She  may,  however,  when      cards 

calling  upon  her  personal  friends,  use 
the  joint  card,  drawing  a  pencil  mark  through  her 
mother's  name,  or  use  her  school-girl  card,  which 
is  engraved  without  prefix.  After  a  year  she  may 
have  her  own  cards  as  well.  Age  has  its  compen- 
sations ! 

The  prefix  "  Miss  "  must  always  accompany  the 
name  of  an  unmarried  woman.  Her  card  does  not 
bear  the  reception  day,  if  that  of  her  mother  does. 

If  Mrs.  Brown  Jones  Smith  has  two  or  more 
daughters  in  society,  "The  Misses  Smith"  is  en- 
graved under  her  name,  or,  as  one  sometimes  sees, 
"  Miss  Smith,"  "  Miss  Geraldine  Smith,"  one  below 
the  other.  On  her  separate  card  the  eldest 
daughter  simply  uses  the  family  name  with  the 
prefix  "  Miss,"  while  the  others  appear  as  "  Miss 
Geraldine,"  "  Miss  Dorothy  Smith."  Diminutives 
are  never  used.  Sisters  often  have  a  card  in  com- 
mon, with  the  form  "The  Misses  Smith."  For 
cards  belonging  to  the  same  family,  the  lettering 
should  be  alike.  Residence  numbers  are  spelled 
when  space  permits. 

A  widow  retains  her  husband's  Christian  name 
or  not,  as  she  pleases,  but  if  she  is  well  known  she 
is  so  identified  with  him  that  her  maiden  name 
would  look  strange.  It  sometimes  occasions  em- 
barrassment, however,  if  a  son  bearing  his  father's 


ETIQUETTE     FOR     ALL     OCCASIONS 

name  is  married.  By  reason  of  seniority,  a 
widow's  card  may  read,  "  Mrs.  Blank." 

This  title,  assuming  a  precedence,  it  is  now  the 
fashion  to  claim,  and  belongs  to  the  wife  of  the 
senior  member  of  a  family,  —  the  head  of  a  clan, 
as  it  were.  Anything  claimed  as  a  distinction 
becomes  desirable. 

A  divorced  woman  uses  her  maiden  name  with 
the  prefix  "  Mrs,"  adding  or  not  her  married  sur- 
name, which  alone  may  be  retained  of  her  former 
title. 

Some  few  women  in  New  York  have  dropped 
their  husbands'  Christian  names  from  their  cards, 
and  put  no  address  on  them.  Mrs.  Astor  set  the 
fashion,  but  it  sometimes  assumes  a  prominence 
that  challenges  detraction. 

The  "  Mr.  and  Mrs."  card  is  no  longer  used 
except  during  the  first  year  of  marriage  and  to  ac- 
company gifts.  The  turned-down  card  formerly 
indicated  a  personal  call,  but  is  now  obsolete. 

A  married  woman's  card  should  never,  of  course, 
indicate  her  husband's  profession.  "  Mrs.  Colo- 
nel "  and  "  Mrs.  Dr."  are  incorrect.  If  a  woman, 
married  or  single,  is  a  physician,  her  card  should 
bear  her  name  and  professional  title,  as  "  Dr. 
Emily  Brown."  She  should  have  two  sets  of 
cards,  one  professional  and  one  social.  The  pro- 
fessional cards  should  contain  her  office  address 
in  the  lower  right-hand  corner,  the  office  hours 
in  the  left.  For  such  a  card  Roman  lettering  is 
more  businesslike  than  the  script.  Her  social 

72 


VISITING-CARD      CONVENTIONS 

cards  should  have  her  home  address  and  her 
reception-day,  if  she  has  one.  It  is  desirable  for 
a  woman  to  keep  her  social  life  distinctly  apart 
from  her  professional. 

A    man's    card    is    small    in    proportion    to    a 
woman's,  its  length  nearly  twice  its  width.      The 
name  is  printed  in  full  without  initials, 
always  with  the  prefix  "  Mr,"  and  bear-      car(js 
ing  the  address  of  his  home  or  club  or 
both.     His  business  card  should  omit  the  prefix. 

No  titles  are  used,  save  military,  naval,  or  judi- 
cial ones  and  those  of  clergymen  or  physicians. 
Such  cards  should  read  "  Captain  John  Lester," 
with  name  of  regiment  or  corps,  "  United  States 
Army  or  Navy,"  in  left-hand  corner,  or  "  Mr.  John 
Lester,"  with  rank  and  regiment  under  the  name 
(a  lieutenant  always  uses  the  prefix  "  Mr."),  "  Mr. 
Justice  Beekman,"  "  Rev.  John  Storm,  D.D.,"  "  Dr. 
Kenneth  Kellogg." 

A  man's  written  card  should  carry  neither  prefix 
nor  suffix.  The  name  thereon  is  the  owner's 
signature.  A  youth's  card  never  bears  a  prefix. 
A  lady's  card,  however,  carries  one  under  all 
conditions. 

Persons  in  mourning  use  cards  with  black  border 
of  varying  widths,  according  to  the  degree  of  rela- 
tionship with  the  person  mourned,  whenever  the 
need  for  a  card  arises. 

At  the  first  call  of  the  season  a  married  woman 
leaves,  with  her  own,  two  of  her  husband's  cards 
for  the  lady  and  master  of  the  house,  and  an 

73 


ETIQUETTE     FOR     ALL     OCCASIONS 

additional  one  of  her  own  and  three  of  her  son's, 

Leaving    ^  there  be  young  ladies  in  the  family. 

cards      If  there  be  a  married  daughter  living  at 

when     home,  a  card  should  be  left  for  her,  nor 

call  in  p* 

must  the  visiting  guest  be  overlooked 
if  she  is  an  acquaintance. 

At  subsequent  calls  she  need  not  leave  her  hus- 
band's card,  unless  he  has  received  an  invitation, 
and  she  may  allow  her  sons  and  daughters  to 
assume  their  own  obligations.  Common-sense 
must  be  used  to  avoid  sending  in  a  pack  of 
cards. 

There  are  those  who  scoff  at  the  custom  of  leav- 
ing the  husband's  card,  and  call  it  senseless,  alleg- 
ing that  it  is  absurd  that  when  a  man  is  at  his 
office  his  card  should  imply  that  he  has  been 
accompanying  his  wife  on  a  round  of  social  calls. 
It  deceives  no  one,  but  neither  is  it  intended  to. 
It  is  merely  a  rather  stupid  attempt  to  preserve  a 
married  man's  social  recognition  among  his  own 
and  his  wife's  acquaintances,  since  nothing  is  ex- 
pected of  him  in  the  matter  of  calls.  A  servant, 
unaware  of  the  arbitrary  convention,  once  explained 
with  kindly  solicitude  to  a  lady  who  had  left  two 
of  her  husband's  cards,  "  Excuse  me,  ma'am, 
but  you  are  1'avin'  wan  too  manny."  When  one's 
friends  have  visitors  stopping  with  them  with 
whom  we  are  unacquainted,  one  need  not  leave 
cards  for  the  guests,  but  it  is  a  mark  of  much 
courtesy  to  the  friends  to  do  so.  Of  course  the 
call  should  be  returned. 

74 


VISITING-CARD      CONVENTIONS 

In  calling  upon  a  friend  who  is  visiting  those 
with  whom  we  may  or  may  not  be  acquainted,  a 
card  should  be  left  for  the  lady  of  the  house,  who 
uses  her  own  discretion  about  seeing  the  caller. 
When  calling  upon  several  ladies,  not  mother  and 
daughters,  a  card  is  left  for  each.  At  a  hotel 
one  writes  on  one's  card  the  names  of  the  persons 
for  whom  they  are  intended,  —  never  at  a  private 
house. 

In  New  York  the  fashionable  set  follow  the 
English  mode,  and  drive  about  leaving  cards  with- 
out inquiring  if  the  hostess  be  at  home  during  the 
"  season,"  except  after  a  dinner  or  luncheon  invi- 
tation, or  upon  the  reception  days  of  special  friends. 
They  justify  it  on  the  ground  that  it  is  impossible 
to  do  otherwise,  the  distances  are  so  great  and  their 
circle  of  acquaintance  so  large  that  personal  visits 
would  leave  no  time  for  anything  else,  and  life  has 
other  duties  than  social  ones.  These  women  are, 
however,  most  punctilious  in  leaving  their  cards 
within  a  fortnight  after  receiving  a  call.  To  econ- 
omize time,  one  member  of  a  family  often  leaves 
the  cards  of  the  rest,  dividing  the  responsibility  of 
a  large  acquaintance.  At  receptions,  teas,  and 
"  days  at  home,"  people  leave  their  cards  and  those 
of  the  absent  members  of  their  families  on  the  table 
in  the  entrance  hall,  before  entering  the  drawing 
or  reception  room.  According  to  strict  etiquette, 
the  cards  should  be  left  on  a  tray  and  the  names 
of  visitors  announced  by  the  servant  at  the  draw- 
ing-room door. 

75 


ETIQUETTE     FOR     ALL      OCCASIONS 

If  a  young  woman  be  invited  to  an  entertain- 
ment without  her  parents,  the  mother  often  sends 
her  card  afterwards  with  that  of  her  daughter,  in 
recognition  of  the  attention. 

A  man   should  leave  his  card  for  the  mother, 
when  calling  upon  a  young  girl,  and  send  it  up,  if 
she  be  at  home,  leaving  it  to  her  discre- 
tion whether  to  be  present  or  not  during 
the  whole  or  part  of  his  call.     In  Eng- 
land   it  would    be  very  bad  form  to  ask  for  the 
young  woman   herself  at   all.     He  asks  only  for 
the  mother,  though   he  would   probably  see  the 
daughter  too. 

Where  there  are  several  ladies  in  a  family,  and 
they  are  at  home,  he  asks  the  servant  to  announce 
him,  if  he  knows  them  well.  If  not,  he  sends  up 
one  card,  inquiring  for  all.  Should  he  wish  to  see 
one  person  in  particular,  he  directs  that  his  card 
be  given  to  her,  adding,  "  Please  say  to  the  ladies 
that  I  should  be  happy  to  see  them."  If  they  are 
out,  he  leaves  a  card  for  the  lady  of  the  house,  and 
one  for  the  rest  of  the  family.  It  is  an  added 
compliment  to  leave  an  extra  one,  if  he  desires  to 
distinguish  one  daughter  from  the  rest,  which  it 
will  be  understood  is  intended  for  the  one  with 
whom  he  is  best  acquainted. 

Young  men,  in  paying  calls,  are  not  always 
posted  in  etiquette.  An  amusing  story  is  told, 
in  a  recent  journal,  of  a  young  fellow  making  his 
first  call.  He  became  confused  at  finding  how 
many  persons  there  were  in  the  family  for  whom 

76 


VISITING-CARD      CONVENTIONS 

he  should  leave  a  card.  Overcome  with  embar- 
rassment, he  handed  to  the  imperturbable  man- 
servant the  entire  package,  which  he  had  just 
received  from  the  engravers,  and  beat  a  hasty 
retreat. 

Young  men  often  intrust  their  cards  to  the 
agency  of  mother  or  sister,  for  society  "  winks  at" 
the  infraction  of  strict  etiquette  where  they  are 
concerned  who  are  known  to  be  busy.  Bache- 
lors should  leave  cards  upon  their  host  and  hostess 
after  an  entertainment  at  which  they  have  or  have 
not  been  present,  and,  where  there  are  young  la- 
dies in  the  family,  should  call  at  their  earliest 
opportunity. 

If  they  receive  an  invitation  from  a  stranger,  they 
leave  a  card  the  next  day,  and  call  after  the  enter- 
tainment. If  they  wish  to  be  very  punctilious,  they 
call  upon  their  prospective  hostess  in  any  case, 
before  the  function,  soon  after  receiving  the  invita- 
tion, in  recognition  of  that  courtesy. 

Those  who  are  unable  to  accept  invitations  for 
weddings,  receptions,  teas,  etc.,  send  cards.  When 

bidden  only  to  the  ceremony  at  church, 

,  ,    .  Sending 

no  answer  is  expected,  as  stated  in  a      cards 

previous   chapter.     The  same  rule  ap- 
plies in  the  matter  of  the  number  of  cards  to  be  sent, 
as  in  personal  visits.     They  are  sent  by  hand  or 
post  on  the  day  of  the  function,  if  possible  while  it 
is  in  progress,  and  always  enclosed  in  envelopes. 

A  husband  and  wife  send  but  one  card  each, 
when  the  invitation  is  extended  by  the  host- 

77 


ETIQUETTE     FOR     ALL     OCCASIONS 

ess  only;  if  issued  in  the  names  of  host  and 
hostess,  it  is  customary  to  send  one  of  the  wife's 
and  two  of  the  husband's.  If  the  daughter's 
name  appear  on  the  invitation,  a  separate  card 
would  be  sent  for  her  from  each  and  all  the 
invited  guests;  especially  is  this  courtesy  due  to 
a  debutante.  Cards  for  receptions  are  not  sent 
to  the  daughters  of  a  family  without  including 
their  parents  as  a  courteous  formality. 

The  circumstances  under  which  cards  may 
properly  be  left  at  a  door  instead  of  paying  a 

Leaving    personal  call  are   when    an    elderly   or 
and        delicate  woman  desires  to  make  a  rec- 

sending  ognition  of  calls  and  attentions  paid  to 
her.  The  same  privilege  is  granted 
the  society  leader  with  interminable  visiting-list, 
provided  the  courtesy  is  promptly  paid  after  she 
has  received  personal  calls.  Those  friends  of  the 
bridegroom  who  are  unacquainted  with  the  bride's 
family  leave  cards  upon  the  bride's  mother  in 
recognition  of  the  wedding  invitation. 

After  a  man  has  given  an  entertainment  at  his 
studio,  on  board  his  yacht  or  elsewhere,  the  ladies 
who  have  accepted  his  hospitality  send  their  cards 
shortly  after  by  messenger  bearing  a  few  words 
of  appreciative  'thanks,  or  drive  to  the  door  of 
studio  or  house,  sending  in  their  cards  by  the 
footman. 

Upon  the  announcement  of  a  death  friends 
leave  cards  at  the  door  of  the  house  of  mourning. 
It  is  in  better  taste  not  to  write  anything  upon 

78 


VISITING-CARD      CONVENTIONS 

them.     After  the  funeral  such  messages  of   con- 
dolence are  welcomed. 

Upon  returning  home  after  a  long  absence,  a 
lady  sends  cards  to  her  friends,  apprising  them  of 
her  arrival,  and  usually  inviting  them  to  a  "  tea  " 
or  to  her  "  days  at  home." 

A  change  of  residence  should  be  announced 
early  in  the  season  to  all  one's  acquaintances  with 
the  new  address  and  reception  day.  Should  a 
lady  happen  to  open  her  own  door  to  visitors,  they 
leave  their  cards  as  they  take  their  departure  in  as 
unobtrusive  a  manner  as  possible. 

The  etiquette  governing  the  use  of  cards  other 
than  as  a  proxy  is  well  defined.     They  may  be 
used  to  convey  invitations  for  an  informal      Other 
entertainment  of  almost  any  nature,  but     uses  of 

never  for  acceptances  or  regrets. 

t°  visitmg- 

A  card  accompanies  a  gift,  but  one's       card 
thanks  must  be  expressed  in  a  note,  never  written 
upon  a  card. 

Should  the  occasion  arise,  that  with  her  parents' 
permission  a  young  girl  wishes  to  send  flowers,  a 
book,  or  some  trifle  to  a  man  friend  during  illness 
or  under  exceptional  circumstances,  her  mother's 
card  should  accompany  her  own. 

New  arrivals  send  their  cards  to  their  friends, 
who  should  call  promptly  and  when  possible  offer 
some  hospitality. 

In  cases  of  bereavement,  friends  and    In  times 

acquaintances   send    their   messages  of0  bereave- 

i  •  ment 

sympathy   briefly   expressed    on    their 

79 


ETIQUETTE     FOR     ALL     OCCASIONS 

cards,  which  they  leave  at  the  door  without  ask- 
ing to  see  any  one.  Friends  on  more  intimate 
footing  would  send  notes  and  call  in  person  after 
the  funeral. 

Cards  and  notes  of  condolence  should  be 
acknowledged  by  a  mourning  card  at  the  recipient's 
convenience,  upon  which  may  be  written  a  line  of 
thanks  expressing  appreciation  for  sympathy  and 
attention,  or  an  engraved  card  may  be  sent  in  rec- 
ognition of  expressions  of  condolence  received, 
inscribed,  — 

Mrs.  Blank 

and  her  family  gratefully  acknowledge 

>s 

kind  expressions  of  sympathy 
(Address.) 

When  leaving  cards  at  the  door  of  a  friend  who 
is  ill,  one  writes  upon  them,  "  To  enquire,"  and 
for  a  friend  to  whom  some  new  joy  has  come  a 
brief  word  of  felicitation,  if  only  "  Congratula- 
tions ! "  Cards  of  congratulation  cannot  be  left 
too  soon. 

A  card  left  at  one's  door  or  sent  by  post  is  the 
intimation  that  one's  acquaintance  is  desired. 
One  cannot  know  what  pressure  of  care  or  trouble 
or  what  matters  of  health  may  oblige  a  woman  to 
lay  aside  social  claims  for  a  season.  Our  friends 
must  be  consistent,  however,  and  we  rightly  feel 
aggrieved  when  singled  out  for  the  bald  attention 
of  a  card  when  others  receive  personal  visits. 

80 


VISITING-CARD      CONVENTIONS 

To  drop  an  unwelcome  acquaintance,  one  has 
only  to  omit  sending  or  leaving  cards.  "  Pour- 
prendre  cong6"  (P.  p.  c.)  cards  are  sent  to  friends 
and  acquaintances  when  one  is  about  to  leave 
town  for  a  long  absence,  or  permanently,  or  as  a 
mere  notification  to  a  few  persons  of  intended  de- 
parture. It  is  incorrect  to  capitalize  the  second 
and  third  letters.  If  the  translation  were  used,  the 
words  would  be  written  "  To  take  leave,"  not 
"  To  Take  Leave." 

The  "  P.  p.  c."  card  is  the  only  survival  of  a 
passing  fashion  in  France,  during  which  cards 
were  printed  with  such  letters  in  one  corner  and 
others  with  "  P.  r."  (Partie  remise),  "  P.  c  "  (Pour 
condoleance),  which  were  intended  to  convey  the 
object  of  one's  visit  to  the  person  whom  one  did 
not  find  at  home. 

An  old  French  nobleman,  of  a  type  happily  ex- 
tinct, being  told  that  he  had  but  a  short  time  to 
live,  directed  that  his  P.  p.  c.  cards  should  be 
sent  to  all  his  acquaintances  ! 


81 


Chapter   Sixth  —  THE  ETIQUETTE 

OF  CALLING 

jN  France  it  has  long  been  the  cus- 
tom for  every  one  to  send  cards  by 
hand  or  post  on  New  Year's  day 
to  one's  entire  acquaintance.  This 
answers  for  the  year,  and  no  more 
is  thought  about  it.  The  recipients  are  thereby 
assured  that  their  acquaintance  is  desired  and 
valued,  and  the  "  pasteboard  war"  ushers  in  social 
peace  and  good-will. 

It  has  a  sound  almost  of  Arcadian  simplicity  in 
comparison  with  the  laborious  system  with  which 
we  have  loaded  ourselves,  as  with  a  millstone  about 
our  necks.  The  truth  is  that  we  are  trying  to  pre- 
serve in  our  large  cities  the  customs  and  courteous 
conventions  that  fit  only  small  communities.  To 
try  to  keep  up  personal  social  relations  with  five  or 
six  hundred  people  is  to  attempt  the  impossible. 
Visiting,  therefore,  has  become  such  a  perfunctory 
obligation,  and  the  difficulty  is  so  well  understood, 
that  people  do  not  hold  each  other  to  strict  account, 
and  show  the  leniency  of  which  they  know  them- 
selves to  be  in  need. 

Our  visiting-lists  naturally  grow  longer  with  the 
passing  of  the  years,  since  one  meets  charming 
new  people  and  one  does  not  neglect  old  friends ; 

82 


THE    ETIQUETTE    OP    CALLING 

but  the  time  between  sunrise  and  sunset  remains 
unchanged,  so  calling  for  form's  sake  is  growing 
to  be  regarded  as  less  imperative.  Otherwise, 
at  the  end  of  the  season  we  may  find  that  we  have 
religiously  paid  the  social  "  mint,  anise,  and  cum- 
min," have  called  upon  our  acquaintances  with 
punctilious  politeness,  but  those  for  whom  we  really 
care  have  been  crowded  out  of  our  lives. 

When  we  see  our  friends  only  in  their  best 
gowns  and  in  the  society  of  others,  we  have  to 
nourish  our  interest  and  affection  upon  what  we 
have  known  of  them  "  under  the  surface  "  in  time 
past,  and  little  by  little  we  grow  indifferent  and 
learn  to  do  without  them. 

It  is  a  compliment  to  human  nature  that  usually, 
the  better  we  know  people,  the  better  we  like 
them,  and  we  are  constantly  thrown  with  persons 
who  remain  mere  acquaintances  because  we  have 
no  time  to  become  friends. 

Calling  seems  a  rather  senseless  custom,  but  as 
it  affords  the  only  manner  of  recruiting  lists  for 
invitations  and  sets  the  limits  to  one's  circle  of 
acquaintance,  nothing  has,  as  yet,  been  found  to 
take  its  place. 

It  is  still  the  aim  to  make  a  personal  visit  once  a 
year  upon  all  one's  acquaintance,  but  many  women 
call  only  upon  those  whose  cards  they 

have  received,  naming  a  reception  day ; 

J  '    social  aim 

others    give    an  annual   reception  or  a 
series  of  afternoon  teas,  inviting  their  entire  circle, 
and  returning  personal  calls  by  driving  from  house 

83 


ETIQUETTE     FOR     ALL     OCCASIONS 

to  house  and  leaving  cards  without  inquiring  if  the 
lady  be  at  home. 

To  take  this  position,  a  woman  must  have  the 
excuse  of  age,  delicate  health,  or  undoubted  social 
prominence,  having  an  interminable  visiting-list 
which  exempts  her  from  ordinary  rules,  since  it  is 
obvious  that  her  social  obligations  are  not  the 
paramount  ones  in  life. 

Allowance  must  be  made  for  such  women  and 
for  those  whose  work  entitles  them  to  a  "  special 
dispensation  "  for  sins  of  omission,  but  in  the  main 
there  must  be  perfect  social  equality  among  ac- 
quaintance, or  at  least  the  semblance  of  it. 
According  to  strictly  Old  Testament  ethics,  there 
must  be  a  call  for  a  call,  and  a  card  for  a  card. 

It  is  incumbent  upon  every  one,  however,  to 
make  personal  visits  in  recognition  of  dinner,  lun- 
cheon, or  other  invitations  for  hospitali- 
ties limited  to  selected  guests,  within  a 
obligation 

fortnight  after  the  function. 

Ordinary  mortals  incur  the  obligation  of  a  per- 
sonal visit  for  each  invitation  issued  for  a  tea  or 
reception. 

The  presence  of  a  guest  at  a  reception  is  ac- 
counted a  visit,  and  this  dispo'ses  of  the  question 
whether  or  not  an  after-call  is  required. 
Calls  after  yo    •  e  an  afternoon  tea  is  only  another 
receptions  ° 

way  for  a  woman  to  say,  "  Come  and  see 

me  when  you  will  be  sure  of  finding  me  at  home." 
A  reception,  like  a  debutante's  "  coming  out  tea," 
one  given  to  celebrate  a  wedding  anniversary  or 

84 


THE    ETIQUETTE     OF     CALLING 

any  special  occasion,  does  impose  the  courteous 
obligation  of  an  after-call. 

All  who  have  taken  part  in  a  wedding  —  brides- 
maids, ushers,  etc.  —  should  call  upon  the  bride's 
mother  shortly  after  the  marriage,  and  upon  the 
bride  herself  immediately  after  her  return  from  the 
honeymoon. 

It  is  allowable  to  take  a  visiting  guest  to  an 
ordinary  reception,  provided  a  special  point  is 
made  of  presenting  her  to  the  hostess.  The  guest 
should  leave  her  card,  writing  the  name  of  her  own 
hostess  upon  it.  This  is  regarded  as  little  more 
than  an  introduction,  and  does  not  necessarily 
impose  a  return  call. 

To  devote  one  afternoon  in  each  week  to  one's 
friends  is  a  near  approach  to  the  social  ideal. 
The  opportunity  is  favorable  for  making 
new  friendships  and  strengthening  old  ^  ay 
ones.  City  life  is  so  crowded  with  ex- 
acting interests  that  many  have  reduced  these 
social  occasions  to  four  days  in  the  month,  some- 
times to  two  or  to  one  all-embracing  function, — 
when  they  would  come  under  the  head  of  "  after- 
noon teas."  By  three  o'clock  the  hostess,  dressed 
in  becoming  afternoon  toilet,  should  be  in  her 
drawing-room  ready  to  receive  her  friends  on  the 
afternoon  of  her  weekly  day  at  home.  If  a  man- 
servant attends  the  door,  he  wears  full  livery  and 
stands  ready  to  admit  visitors  at  once  on  the 
summons  of  the  bell,  or  anticipates  the  necessity 
of  its  being  rung.  He  offers  a  small  silver  tray 

85 


ETIQUETTE      FOR      ALL     OCCASIONS 

for  the  cards,  or  the  visitors  place  them  on  a 
large  tray  on  the  hall  table.  At  the  drawing- 
room  door  he  politely  inquires  the  caller's  name, 
and  then  drawing  aside  the  portiere,  announces 
it  to  his  mistress,  as  the  visitor  enters.  A  maid 
attending  the  door  follows  the  same  routine,  ex- 
cept that  she  does  not  announce  visitors.  The 
hostess  rises  and  shakes  hands  with  all  who  come, 
welcoming  them  with  real  cordiality.  Where 
there  are  but  two  or  three  persons  present  at  a 
time,  she  introduces  them  and  draws  them  into 
general  conversation,  which  they  may  continue 
when  new-comers  claim  her  attention.  She  should 
not  devote  herself  exclusively  to  any  one,  and  must 
be  on  the  alert  to  see  that  none  are  overlooked, 
making  presentations  as  occasion  arises.  It  is 
the  custom  to  offer  tea  and  some  trifling  refresh- 
ment to  such  visitors  as  call  after  four  o'clock, 
which  is  served  at  a  small  table  in  the  room,  pre- 
sided over  by  the  hostess,  her  daughter,  or  a 
friend.  If  there  are  many  callers,  the  mistress  of 
the  occasion  will  be  glad  to  be  relieved  of  that  duty. 
On  the  departure  of  visitors  the  hostess  rises, 
again  gives  her  hand,  and  intimates  that  their  corn- 
Treatment  m£  has  given  her  pleasure.  She  does 
of  not  resume  her  seat  until  they  have 
departing  turned  their  backs.  The  servant  in  the 
hall  helps  them  with  their  wraps,  opens 
the  door,  and  if  a  man,  hands  the  ladies  to  their 
carriages  under  the  shelter  of  an  umbrella  in 
the  event  of  bad  weather.  This,  however,  only 

86 


THE    ETIQUETTE     OF     CALLING 

in  case  of  emergency,  for  on  a  stormy  day  a  man 
should  be  stationed  on  the  sidewalk  to  open 
carriage  doors,  and  shelter  all  comers  under  a 
large  umbrella  as  far  as  the  house  door. 

If  a  woman  has  a  reception  day,  her  friends 
should  try  to  call  at  that  time.  She  need  not 
receive  chance  callers  on  any  other  day. 

Visiting  hours  are  sensibly  restricted  to  between 
three  and  six  o'clock. 

Ladies  living  in  the  same  street  or  locality  often 
agree  upon  the  same  reception  day,  for  the  con- 
venience of  their  friends.  When  a  woman  has 
selected  a  special  day  to  receive  visitors,  she 
usually  adheres  to  the  choice  season  after  season, 
and  it  becomes  associated  with  her  in  the  minds  of 
her  friends.  It  is  not  considered  strictly  good 
form  to  change  it. 

If  illness  or  other  cause  make  it  necessary  for 
a  woman  to  excuse  herself  to  callers  on  her  recep- 
tion day,  it  is  considerate  to  station  a    Courtesy 
man   (usually   in   livery)   on   the    side-  to  visitors 

walk  to  receive  the  visitors'   cards,  to      when 

.  .      unable  to 

save  ladies  the  trouble  of  leaving  their     receive 

carriages.      If    this   is   not   feasible,    a      them 
servant  should  be  at  the  house  door  to  open  it 
promptly. 

No  orders  in  the  household  should  be  more  pre- 
cise than  those  which  direct  the  servant 

i       r  t        i  Chance 

what  to  say  each  afternoon  at  the  door-     caners 

Ladies  should  keep  their   servants    in- 
formed whether  or  not  they  are  at  home  and  wish 

87 


ETIQUETTE     FOR     ALL      OCCASIONS 

to  receive,  either  by  word  of  mouth  or  by  some 
signal  on  the  table  in  the  entrance  hall. 

To  reply  to  a  visitor's  question,  "  I  '11  see  if  Mrs. 
is  at  home  "  is  not  only  rudeness,  but  an  in- 

Discour-  justice.      One    has    no    right   to    waste 
teous      other  people's  time.     "  Mrs. is  not 

excuses  receiving  "  causes  an  involuntary  feeling 
of  being  repulsed,  if  the  message  is  brought  to 
you  in  the  drawing-room,  but  if  given  at  the  door, 
where  such  messages  belong,  they  have  no  chilling 
effect.  A  more  courteous  excuse,  however,  is, 

"  Mrs. is  very  much  engaged,  and  desires  to 

be  excused  to  any  one  who  may  call." 

In  a  recent  journal  the  subject  was  discussed 
whether  the  message  "  begs  to  be  excused  "  to  a 
visitor  once  admitted,  was  not  a  serious  discour- 
tesy. The  writer  deprecated  it,  but  continued,  — 

"  Some  one  says  however,  that  in  these  days  of 
rush  and  hurry  it  is  probably  just  as  much  of  a 
relief  to  Mrs.  Brown  not  to  see  Mrs.  Smith  as  it  is 
for  Mrs.  Smith  not  to  receive  Mrs.  Brown.  In 
such  a  case  the  obligation  is  the  more  imperative 
that  the  maid  have  explicit  instructions,  for  it 
would  be  very  hard  indeed  upon  Mrs.  Brown  to 
let  her  come  in  and  be  afraid  that  she  was  going 
to  be  obliged  to  see  Mrs.  Smith  after  all,  before 
the  servant  brought  her  the  reassuring  news !  " 
Some  persons  think  that  the  formula 

home"     "  Not  at  home  "  involves  no  falsehood, 

but  a  lie  can  never  be  quite  "  white  " 

enough.    The  worst  of  prevarication  is  that  when 

88 


THE    ETIQUETTE     OF     CALLING 

we  are  found  out,  we  are  in  exactly  the  same 
position  as  though  we  had  lied !  To  be  seen  at 
the  window  by  the  person  receiving  our  message 
of  "  Not  at  home  "  would  be  as  embarrassing  to 
explain,  even  to  ourselves,  as  though  we  had  really 
intended  to  deceive. 

Perhaps  the  pleasantest  visits  we  have  are  from 
chance  callers  with  whom  we  may  enjoy  a  tete-a- 
t£te  without  constant  interruption  as  on  formal 
receiving  days. 

Tea  is  generally  served,  in  well-regulated  houses, 
to  those  calling  between  the  hours  of  four  and 
six  o'clock,  but  earlier  or  later  it  is 

considerate   for   the   visitor   to   decline       ervm£ 

tea 

having  it  made  expressly,  if  it  is  offered. 

The  servant  places  a  small  low  table  before  the 
lady  of  the  house,  and  then  brings  in  a  tray  upon 
which  are  the  tea-service  and  a  plate  of  thin  bread 
and  butter,  or  hot  toast,  wafers,  or  tiny  sandwiches 
of  watercress  or  pate  de  foie  gras.  These  are 
placed  upon  the  table,  and  the  servant  retires, 
remaining  within  call,  in  case  anything  should  be 
needed.  In  the  country  in  summer  the  tea  may 
be  iced  and  served  on  the  piazza  or  out  of  doors, 
if  possible. 

When  the  visitor  rises  to  go,  the  hostess  touches 
a  bell  to  call  a  servant  to  the  street  door,  where  he 
stands  ready  to  open  it.  This  is,  of  course,  the 
accepted  custom  on  reception  days,  but  in  making 
a  simple  call,  one  is  often  left  to  fumble  with  the 
various  handles  that  differ  on  the  front  door  of 

89 


ETIQUETTE     FOR     ALL     OCCASIONS 

every  house.  A  hostess  accompanies  her  intimate 
friends  to  the  door  if  she  pleases.  Friendship 
makes  its  own  rules  of  etiquette. 

In  town  only  one's  familiar  friends  are  privileged 
to  call  in  the  morning,  except  on  business,  —  to 

ask  information  about  a  servant,  in  the 
ing    interest  of  some  charity,  or  to  inquire 

after  a  friend's  health,  perhaps.  The 
call  should  not  be  prolonged  beyond  the  necessary 
time  required  for  the  object  of  the  visit.  In  the 
country  a  morning  call  is  a  pleasant  informality 
much  to  be  commended  in  the  interests  of  friend- 
ship. 

From  two  to  four  weeks  after  a  funeral,  friends 
should  call  upon  the   bereaved  family,  if  only  to 

show   that  they  are    not  unmindful  of 

them  nor  indifferent  to  their  sorrow, 
condolence 

One  usually  asks  to  see  the  member  of 
the  family  with  whom  one  is  best  acquainted.  Per- 
sons in  affliction  may  consult  their  own  feelings 
about  receiving  visitors;  they  are  a  law  unto  them- 
selves. Beyond  a  warm  hand-clasp  and  a  manner 
expressive  of  sympathy  and  consideration  a  visitor 
need  not  go,  unless  the  bereaved  one  refer  to  the 
sorrow  that  has  occasioned  the  visit.  Then  do  not 
preach,  do  not  philosophize,  but  give  the  warm 
human  sympathy  that  human  sorrow  craves,  and 
if  possible  speak  some  hopeful,  helpful  word  that 
may  be  pondered  after  you  are  gone.  There  are 
griefs  worse  than  death,  and  friends  are  apt  to  hold 
aloof  when  disgrace  falls  upon  innocent  persons. 

90 


THE    ETIQUETTE     OF     CALLING 

Never  is  their  tactful  sympathy  and  loyal  friend- 
ship more  needed. 

When  will  people  learn  that  those  who  are  ill 
can  bear  only  very  brief  visits?  First  listen  sym- 
pathetically to  all  the  ills  and  anxieties 
of  the  sick  one,  and  then,  leading  his  or 
her  mind  to  other  subjects,  tell  all  the 
bright  and  entertaining  things  that  you  can  think 
of,  and  by  all  means  make  the  patient  laugh.  It  is 
a  fine  medicine. 

Who  should  make  the  first  call?  The  residents 
of  a  place  call  first  upon  new-comers.  Men  and 

women    of    note,     brides,     clergymen, 

i  j    i  A  4-u  First  calls 

elderly  persons,  strangers,  and  those  in 

delicate  health  are  entitled  to  first  calls.  They 
too,  as  well  as  those  persons  most  prominent  in 
position  or  fashion,  take  the  initiative  in  inviting 
others  to  call,  which  courtesy  should  be  promptly 
complied  with. 

Where  no  special  distinction  exists,  each  may 
show  the  other  that  the  acquaintance  is  desired. 
A  graceful  expedient  may  be  the  sending  of  cards 
of  invitation  for  days  at  home  which  shall  include 
the  desired  acquaintance.  A  woman  secure  in  her 
position  does  not  hesitate  to  show  such  friendliness. 

On  the  Continent  and  in  Washington  the  visiting 
stranger  calls  first  upon  the  residents.  Elsewhere  in 
America  the  new  arrivals  send  their  cards  to  their 
friends,  who  should  show  flattering  alacrity  in  call- 
ing upon  them.  Calls  upon  a  stranger  who  has 
come  to  reside  in  a  place  should  be  made  as  soon 

91 


ETIQUETTE     FOR     ALL     OCCASIONS 

as  the  person  is  known  to  be  ready  to  receive  them. 
Hurry  may  be  intrusive,  and  delay  lacking  in 
courtesy. 

In  the  country  and  at  watering-places  the  resi- 
dents call  first  upon  those  renting  cottages,  and  the 
cottagers  make  the  first  calls  upon  their  friends 
stopping  at  hotels. 

First  calls  should  be  returned  within  a  fortnight, 
but  after  having  accepted  an  invitation  or  been  the 

recipient    of    any   hospitality    from     a 
Returning  .    ,  , 

first  calls    stranger  or  new  acquaintance,  one  leaves 

cards  immediately  and  calls  a  week  after 
the  entertainment. 

It  is  very  discourteous  not  to  return  a  first  call, 
unless  the  person  making  it  be  a  really  objection- 
able person  to  know.  But,  the  first  call  returned, 
no  other  need  follow,  and  the  acquaintance  may  be 
allowed  to  drop. 

For  the  person,  however,  who  makes  the  first 
call  not  to  make  a  second  after  the  first  has  been 
formally  returned,  would  be  in  very  bad  taste 
unless  for  some  cogent  reason.  Why  force  an 
acquaintance  only  to  let  it  drop? 

It  is  needless  to  say  that  a  lady  never  calls  upon 

a  man,  except  professionally  in  business  hours  and 

When  a    at  ^s  office.     She  sends  in  her  name, 

woman     not  her  visiting-card,  and  should  state 

may  call    her  errand  briefly  and  make   her   call 

short.     Under  any  other  circumstances 

she  should  be  accompanied  by  a  male 

relative  or  by  a  woman  older  than  herself,  unless  she 

92 


THE    ETIQUETTE     OF     CALLING 

herself  be  a  mature  matron.  No  young  woman 
should  go  unchaperoned  to  a  studio,  unless  art  is  to 
be  her  life-work,  when  the  dignity  of  her  position  as 
a  worker  protects  her  like  an  armor  of  proof. 

Husbands   and   wives    rarely    call    together    in 
America;    indeed  husbands  rarely  call  at  all,  — 
they  are   the   only   "  immunes."     Men     Calls  of 
over  forty  doubtless  recall  with  a  shud-    married 
der  the  New  Year's  calls  of  their  youth,       men 
compelled    to  get   into  dress  clothes  at  ten  A.M. 
and  rush  from  house  to  house  all  day  in  the  en- 
deavor to  see  one's  entire  acquaintance  before  being 
overtaken   by  bedtime.     The   custom    has  disap- 
peared from  New  York,  —  where  it  flourished  as 
an  heirloom  from  Dutch  ancestors,  —  as  though  it 
had  never  been.     There  is  no   reason,   however, 
why  an  able-bodied  man  who  has  received  hospi- 
tality should  not  pay  a  personal  visit,  though  he 
be  married,  to  show  his  appreciation. 

Many  persons  think  that  the  invitation  to  a  man 
to  call  upon  a  young  girl  should  invariably  be  given 
by  her  mother,  and  all  agree  in  its  pro-    inviting 
priety   during    the    girl's    first    season,  young  men 
Later,    though     strict     conventionality     to  cal1 
makes  the  rule,  it  is  difficult  to  enforce  it,  and  many 
exceptions  prove  it. 

When  inviting  a  man  to  call  upon  her,  a  lady 
should  say,  "  I  am  at  home  on  such  and  such 
days,  and  hope  that  I  may  see  you."  A  girl  seems 
over-eager  for  attention  if  at  their  first  meeting 
she  asks  a  man  to  call.  To  have  him  disregard 

93 


ETIQUETTE     FOR     ALL     OCCASIONS 

the  invitation  would  wound  her  pride,  so  she  must 
exercise  discretion,  and  make  reasonably  sure  of 
his  feeling  on  the  subject.  In  Europe  a  young 
woman  never  receives  a  man  alone,  and  our  foreign 
critics  would  think  a  characteristic  request  from  an 
American  for  permission  to  call  would  be,  — 

"  If  your  mother  is  in,  will  you  come  out?  And 
if  your  mother  is  out,  may  I  come  in?  " 

We  may  trust  American  chivalry,  but  the  mother 
or  some  older  person  should  be  present  when 
foreigners  call  upon  a  young  girl. 

The  custom  of  devoting  Sunday  afternoons  to 

visiting  and  receiving  is  undeniably  fashionable, 

The  time   but  ^ne  immortal  part  suffers  by  neglect, 

for        and  many  of  the  young  people  who  live 

calling  close  to  their  ideals  have  set  their  faces 
against  it.  One  young  girl  says  frankly,  "  I  am  at 
home  every  afternoon  after  five  o'clock,  except 
Saturday,  when  I  go  to  the  opera,  and  Sunday,  when 
I  go  to  church."  Women  must  take  the  initiative 
in  all  social  reforms. 

It  is  an  affectation  that  the  evenings  are  all  so 

occupied  as  to  leave  no  time  for  calling,  and  young 

men  are  driven  to  the  clubs  and  thea- 

tres  anc*  to  sPen(*  more  money  than  is 
good  for  them,  to  find  occupation  for 
their  evenings. 

The  old-time  leisurely  evening  call  gave  time  for 
acquaintance  to  grow  and  ripen  into  friendship.  It 
has  been  said  by  a  wise  thinker  that  only  after  a 
te'te-a-te'te  do  people  ever  become  really  acquainted. 

94 


THE    ETIQUETTE     OF     CALLING 

Some  girls  have  the  faculty  of  making  a  man  feel 
in  a  home-like  atmosphere  when  making  an  ordi- 
nary call.  They  make  him  welcome  without 
stirring  his  vanity,  and  show  sympathy  in  his  in- 
terests without  adulation,  —  nice,  companionable 
girls,  neither  artificial  nor  superficial,  but  simple 
and  sincere.  Few  matrimonial  arguments  are  more 
beguiling. 

No  young  woman   visitor  should  receive  calls 
from  her  men  friends  without  asking  her  Receiving 
hostess  or  hostesses  to  be  present,  leav-  calls  when 
ing  the  option  with  them.     Nor  should  visitin& 
she  invite  one  to  visit  her  without  first  asking  per- 
mission of  her  hostess. 

If  a  lady  is  behind  her  tea-table,  she  need  not 
rise  to  greet  a  man  caller,  but  bow,  give  her  hand, 
if    convenient,    and    gracefully   include  Receiving 
him    in    the    conversation,    introducing      men 
him  or  not,  as  she  pleases,  to  those  near     callers 
her.     She  also  bows  her  adieux.     A  lady  never 
goes  into  the  vestibule  to  meet  a  man,  however 
intimately  she  may  know  him,  but  should  greet  him 
only   in   the   parlor.     When  entertaining  another 
caller,   of  course  it  would  be  the  height  of  dis- 
courtesy to  excuse  herself  and  leave  him  to  meet  a 
new-comer.     She   should    remain   quietly    seated 
until  the  later  arrival  enters  the  room,  and  then  rise 
to  welcome  him. 

Neither  should  she  ever  accompany  a  man  to 
the  hall,  but  take  leave  of  him  in  the  drawing- 
room.  Under  no  circumstances  does  a  lady 

95 


ETIQUETTE     FOR     ALL      OCCASIONS 

help    a    man    on   with   his   overcoat,   struggle   as 
he  may. 

The  proper  Men  are  privileged  to  call  any  after- 
etiquette  noon  from  five  until  half-after  six 
for  men  o'clock. 

No  gentleman  calls  upon  a  lady  except  at  her 
invitation,  unless  he  has  previously  sent  her  a  letter 
of  introduction.  No  matter  how  much  he  may 
desire  an  acquaintance,  he  must  bide  his  time, 
unless  some  kinswoman  or  friend  will  exert  herself 
in  his  behalf.  A  man  must  not  go  beyond  an 
evident  pleasure  in  a  woman's  society  by  way  of 
suggestion.  Of  course,  circumstances  alter  cases, 
but  it  is  important  for  her  preservation  against 
undesirable  acquaintances  that  a  man  should  wait 
the  lady's  initiative.  The  sooner  the  call  follows 
the  invitation,  the  greater  the  compliment.  A 
fortnight  is  the  usual  interval. 

When  a  son  has  lately  entered  society,  his 
mother  leaves  his  card  with  her  husband's  upon  all 
her  acquaintances.  He  will  then  be  included  in 
the  season's  general  invitations. 

He  pays  his  first  calls  preferably  upon  formal 
receiving  days,  until  he  has  won  his  way  to  a  more 

cerdial  reception  and  is  invited  for  din- 
First  calls  .  . 

ner,  theatre,  or  other  limited  hospitality. 

He  is  then  upon  friendly  footing,  and  may  show 
some  reciprocal  attention  if  he  please. 

A  man  is  never  invited  to  dine  where  he  has  not 
previously  called,  but  before  he  has  paid  half  a 
dozen  visits  a  hostess  who  entertains  would  ask 

96 


THE    ETIQUETTE     OF     CALLING 

him  for  some  hospitality,  to  show  that  his  acquaint- 
ance is  desired. 

In  making  an  afternoon  call  a  man  usually  leaves 
his  overcoat,  stick  or  umbrella,  hat  and  gloves  in 
the   hall  before   entering  the    drawing-  Making  an 
room.     He  may,  if  he  choose,  carry  his  afternoon 
hat  and  stick  into  the  room  at  a  first  or 
formal  call  if  it  is  to  be  very  brief,  except  at  a 
reception.     He  puts  his  card  on  the  hall  table  or 
on  the  tray  tendered  him  by  the  servant  who  holds 
open  the  door  or  portiere  and  announces  him  if 
the  hostess  is  in  the  drawing-room.     It  is  an  evi- 
dence of  good  breeding  to  enter  and  leave  a  room 
unobtrusively.       He  removes   his    right  glove    or 
both  on  entering  the  room. 

He  never  offers  his  hand  first,  but  waits  the  ini- 
tiative of  his  hostess,  and  bows  formally  to  the 
others  present.  If  it  be  but  a  hasty  call  and  others 
are  present,  he  need  not  be  seated.  He  always 
rises  if  a  lady  is  standing,  only  resuming  his  place 
when  she  is  seated.  It  is  not  usual  to  introduce  a 
guest  upon  his  entrance  to  more  than  one  other. 
He  never  shakes  hands  when  presented  to  a 
woman,  but  always  when  introduced  to  a  man. 

If  a  man  be  of  service  to  his  hostess  in  carrying 
a  cup  of  tea  to  a  guest  or  returning  an 
empty  cup,  he    may  and  should  speak  courtesies 
briefly  to  those  to  whom  he  offers  the 
simple  hospitality,  even  if  he  does  not  know  them. 

A  "roof  introduction"  establishes  no  claim  to 
acquaintance  unless  the  lady  choose  to  recognize 
7  97 


ETIQUETTE  FOR  ALL  OCCASIONS 

it,  which  she  may  do  if  the  conversation  has  been 
exceptionally  prolonged  or  interesting. 

When  another  caller  enters,  a  man  stands  up  if 

he  is  seated.     He  may  leave  upon  the  arrival  of 

other  guests,  if  his  call  has  lasted  fifteen 

a  ln&     minutes,  turning  his    back  as    little  as 
leave 

possible  upon  the  company.     The  first 

arrivals  are  the  first  to  take  leave. 

It  is  no  longer  customary  to  press  one's  guests 
to  call  again.  If  not  displeased  with  a  new  ac- 
quaintance, a  woman  shows  by  cordiality  of  man- 
ner as  he  takes  his  leave  that  she  would  be  glad  to 
see  him  again  without  the  repetition  of  the  usual 
formula.  All  cut-and-dried  phrases  are  going  out 
of  fashion. 

If  unable  to  command  the  leisure  for  afternoon 
calls,  a  man  may  ignore  fashion  and  call  in  the 
evening  about  nine  o'clock. 

Men  leave  their  cards  early  in  the  season  upon 

all  their  acquaintances,  if  they  wish  to  be  included 

in  the  round  of  its  festivities,  and  try  to 

m?     make  a  personal    call  upon  their    inti- 
courtesies  ^  r 

mate  friends  and  those  who  have  enter- 
tained them  the  previous  year. 

They  are  not  expected  to  be  punctilious  about 
reception  days,  though  such  thoughtfulness  is 
much  appreciated.  A  call  after  every  invitation  is 
the  civility  demanded  by  good  form,  and  a  card 
should  be  left  in  person  the  day  after  a  dinner, 
luncheon,  or  breakfast.  No  gentleman  ever  brings 
a  friend  to  call  upon  a  lady  without  having  pre- 

98    ' 


THE    ETIQUETTE     OF     CALLING 

viously  asked  her  permission,  no  matter  how  in- 
timate his  standing  with  the  family.  Men  call  upon 
each  other  at  their  clubs  or  offices,  but  formal  visit- 
ing between  men  is  not  done  at  their  houses. 

By  way  of  general  suggestion  in  regard  to  calls : 
Calling   hours   are  between   three   and    General 
six  P.M.    Upon  reception  cards  the  hours    sugges- 
are  usually  named  from  four  until  seven.      tlons 

The  length  of  a  formal  call  should  not  exceed 
fifteen  or  twenty  minutes.  The  interval  between 
formal  calls  should  not  be  less  than  a  month  or 
more  than  a  year. 

The  visiting-book,  arranged  alphabetically  or 
according  to  streets  and  localities,  should  be  care- 
fully kept  and  frequently  consulted,  so  that  neither 
friends  nor  acquaintances  shall  be  neglected.  It 
should  be  revised  every  six  months. 

It  is  not  polite,  when  one  has  received  an  invita- 
tion to  call,  to  return  the  compliment  at  once  by 
saying,  "  Thank  you,  won't  you  come  and  see 
me?"  One  should  simply  accept  the  invitation  in 
a  few  gracious  words,  and  call  as  soon  as  can  be 
made  convenient. 

A  pad  of  paper,  enclosed  in  some  dainty  cover, 
with  pencil  attached  should  be  kept  where  the 
servant  can  readily  offer  it  to  a  caller  who  may 
wish  to  leave  a  message  for  the  hostess,  if  that 
lady  is  not  at  home. 

A  lady  should  call  upon  a  stranger  before  invit- 
ing her  to  an  entertainment. 

An  invitation  does  not  cancel  a  calling  obligation. 
99 


ETIQUETTE     FOR      ALL     OCCASIONS 

Receive  your  friends  cordially,  your  manner 
implying  "  My  time  is  yours."  Assume  the  virtue 
if  you  have  it  not. 

Informal  callers  should  be  careful  to  avoid  the 
hours  for  meals. 

Do  not  apologize  too  much  for  not  having  called. 
Your  neglect  to  do  so  has  probably  not  been 
observed. 

Never  call  upon  your  friends  unless  you  are 
feeling  well,  and  are  reasonably  sure  of  making 
yourself  agreeable. 

Do  not  offer  your  hostess  the  slight  of  a  too 
hurried  call,  appear  absent-minded,  nor  openly 
consult  your  watch. 

Never  call  to  be  amused,  inflicting  your  "  ennui" 
upon  another,  which  you  are  unwilling  to  bear 
yourself.  In  making  a  "  visit  of  digestion,"  as  the 
French  name  an  after-call  in  recognition  of  an  in- 
vitation for  dinner,  luncheon,  or  other  hospitality, 
it  is  considerate  to  make  some  complimentary 
allusion  to  the  success  of  the  entertainment  or  to 
the  pleasure  received  thereat.  Rise  to  take  leave 
while  you  are  the  speaker,  —  not  when  the  conver- 
sation has  languished,  lest  you  appear  to  go  be- 
cause you  are  bored. 

Finally,  do  not  keep  your  hostess  standing  after 
you  have  risen  to  take  leave,  while  you  continue 
to  talk,  but  go. 


100 


Chapter    Seventh— AFT  ERN  o  ON 
TEAS 

[T  is  to  "  Her  Royal  Sweetness,"  as 
her  admirers  used  lovingly  to  call 
the  Queen  Alexandra  when  Princess 
of  Wales,  that  we  are  indebted,  it  is 
said,  for  the  idea  of  calling  our 
friends  and  neighbors  together  for  an  informal  cup 
of  tea. 

It  was  already  the  custom  in  English  households 
for  the  family  to  meet  at  four  or  five  in  the  after- 
noon, for  a  little  refreshment  which  their  very  late 
dinner  made  acceptable ;  but  it  remained  for  the 
charming  Princess  to  exalt  the  pleasant  custom 
into  a  social  function  by  graciously  welcoming  a 
few  friends  into  her  own  sanctum,  while  visiting 
at  a  country  house.  Anglomania  never  took  with 
us  a  pleasanter  form,  for  we  have  made  the  custom 
our  own,  and  for  once  in  America  we  have  a  form 
of  entertainment  that,  although  fashionable,  is  not 
costly.  People  of  moderate  means  may  prove 
that  they  too  have  the  spirit  of  hospitality,  and 
all  the  world  knows  that  informal  gatherings  are 
always  the  most  enjoyable. 

In  very  many  households  tea  is  served  every 
afternoon,  whether  or  not  there  are  visitors,  but 
the  arrival  of  a  caller  between  four  and  five  o'clock 
is  universally  the  signal  for  its  appearance. 
101 


ETIQUETTE     FOR     ALL     OCCASIONS 

So  thoroughly  have  we  domesticated  the  Eng- 
lish afternoon  tea-habit  that  we  have  extended 
it  to  give  the  title-r6le  to  the  most  popular  form  of 
entertainment  known  to  modern  society,  less  per- 
haps for  its  charm  than  for  its  convenience  and 
adaptability  to  large  or  small  gatherings.  From 
the  assembling  of  a  few  friends  for  a  chat  and  cup 
of  tea,  to  the  elaborate  reception  to  introduce  a 
debutante  or  do  honor  to  some  guest  of  distinc- 
tion, all  are  called  "  teas." 

For  a  formal  reception  or  tea  for  which  cards  of 
invitation  have  been  sent  to  one's  entire  acquaint- 
Prepara-  ance>  naming  a  special  day  and  hour, 
tions  for  a  there  are  certain  requirements  that  are 
reception  universally  followed.  A  strip  of  red 
carpet  is  laid  from  the  front  door  to  the  edge  of 
the  sidewalk,  and  unless  the  weather  is  excep- 
tionally fine,  a  canvas  awning  is  stretched  over 
it.  A  man  in  footman's  livery  is  stationed  at 
its  entrance  to  open  the  carriage  doors,  who  gives 
checks  in  duplicate  to  the  guests  and  their  coach- 
men. A  servant  in  butler's  livery  opens  the  house 
door,  anticipating  any  summons. 

The  drawing-rooms  should  be  cleared  of  all 
furniture  that  may  restrict  the  free  movement  of 
the  guests,  be  freshly  aired,  and  care  taken  to  insure 
an  agreeable  temperature.  Palms,  flowers,  and 
potted  plants  decorate  the  rooms  as  lavishly  as 
taste  or  means  will  allow,  and  in  the  dining-room 
the  table  is  made  beautiful  with  flowers,  lights,  and 
decorative  trifles.  Three  or  four  men-servants 
102 


AFTERNOON      TEAS 

are  there  stationed  to  offer  tea,  chocolate,  bouillon, 
salads,  sandwiches,  ices,  cakes,  and  bonbons  to 
the  guests.  It  is  not  considered  good  form  to 
serve  champagne  at  a  daylight  entertainment, 
except  at  a  wedding.  Aerated  waters,  punch, 
wine-cup,  and  lemonade  are  thought  sufficient. 
The  time  of  the  reception  being  from  three  until 
six  or  from  four  until  seven  o'clock,  a  heavy  meal 
would  be  out  of  place,  as  it  is  presumable  that  all 
will  dine  soon. 

Shortly  before  the  time  named  in  the  invitations, 
the  shades  of  the  windows  are  drawn  to  exclude 
the  daylight,  the  lamps  and  gas  or  elec-  The 
trie  burners  are  lighted,  and  the  hostess  hostess 
takes  her  place  in  her  drawing-room,  and  her 
near  the  entrance.  If  her  daughters  assistants 
or  friends  are  to  assist  her,  they  station  themselves 
in  different  parts  of  the  rooms,  that  all  the  guests 
may  be  under  some  one's  kindly  supervision.  A 
debutante  would  stand  at  her  mother's  left  hand, 
and  should  the  reception  be  given  for  some  special 
friend  or  guest  of  honor,  that  person  would  stand, 
as  well,  at  the  left  of  the  hostess  for  convenient 
presentation  to  all  visitors.  Little  is  expected 
of  those  who  are  receiving  during  the  first  hour 
or  so  beyond  a  word  of  cordial  welcome.  The 
hostess  should  try  to  make  her  greetings  as  little 
stereotyped  as  possible,  giving  to  each  new- 
comer the  feeling  that  he  or  she  is  individualized 
in  her  mind  and  is  conferring  pleasure  by  being 
there. 

103 


ETIQUETTE  FOR   ALL   OCCASIONS 

As  visitors  enter  the  house,  they  leave  their  cards 
on  a  large  tray,  placed  conspicuously  on  the  hall- 
table.     The  ladies    remove  their  wraps 

T*Vi<* 

ests  in  the  hall  or  in  an  upstairs  dressing- 
room  where  two  maids  are  in  attendance 
who  are  prompt  to  assign  the  garments  to  their 
rightful  owners  when  they  return  to  resume  them. 
A  dressing-room  is  also  supplied  for  the  men.  A 
valet  is  in  attendance  where  many  masculine  guests 
are  expected. 

Just  outside  the  drawing-room  door  a  man  in 
butler's  or  footman's  livery  asks  the  names  of 
the  visitors,  and,  drawing  aside  the  portiere,  an- 
nounces them  clearly  and  distinctly  to  his  mis- 
tress, as  they  enter  the  room.  Men  accompanying 
ladies  enter  the  room  behind  them,  and  of  course 
young  girls  give  precedence  to  their  mothers  or 
chaperons. 

Should  the  hostess  be  at  leisure  to  exchange 
more  than  the  conventional  greeting,  her  guests 
naturally  remain  with  her  until  others  claim  her 
attention,  when  they  move  on,  free  to  seek  their 
friends  and  acquaintances  in  the  throng. 

All  gravitate  towards  the  dining-room,  which  is 
entered  without  invitation,  and  where  the  servants 
in  attendance  wait  upon  the  guests.  If  a  gentle- 
man accompanies  a  lady,  he  asks  if  he  may  get  her 
a  cup  of  tea,  an  ice,  or  whatever  she  desires,  and 
either  asks  the  service  of  the  waiters  or  serves  her 
himself.  He  then  procures  some  refreshment  for 
himself,  standing  near  her  the  while,  but  is  prompt 
104 


AFTERNOON      TEAS 


to  lay  aside  his  own  plate  or  cup  the  instant  that 
she  has  finished. 

Ten  minutes  is  the  shortest  stay  that  considera- 
tion for  one's  hostess  permits,  and  half  an  hour  is 
the  longest  time  that  one  should  occupy  a  place 
before  making  way  for  others.  It  is  courteous  to 
take  leave  of  the  hostess  if  she  be  near  the  drawing- 
room  door. 

The  host  rarely  receives  with  his  wife  unless  his 
name  appears  with  hers  in  the  invitation  which  is 

unusual  if  the  entertainment  be  given  in 

.  ..         The  host 

the  afternoon  —  (the  bridegroom  of  a 

month  or  so  is  an  exception).  He  commonly  puts 
in  a  late  appearance  and  endeavors  to  say  a  few 
cordial  words  to  as  many  of  his  wife's  guests  as  time 
and  opportunity  permit.  Where  there  is  some 
special  woman  guest  or  a  friend  of  the  hostess 
receiving  with  her,  the  host  makes  her  the  object 
of  his  attentions,  and  should  himself  invite  her  to 
the  dining-room  and  see  that  she  is  served. 

The  scene,  gay  with  flowers,  lights,  bright  faces, 
and  pretty  toilets,  has  a  festal  air  that  needs  but  the 
accompaniment  of  music  to   complete         . 
its  charm.     Many,  however,  think  it  an     music 
unnecessary  expense.     It  is  true  that  lit- 
tle attention  is  paid  to  the  musical  selection  during 
the  crowded  part  of  the  entertainment,  except  as  an 
agreeable  accompaniment  to  conversation,  if  it  is  — 
as  it  should  be  —  faint  enough  not  to  be  obtrusive, 
but  as  the  many  withdraw,  opportunity  is  given  for 
appreciative  hearing,  and  the   "best"   should  be 
105 


ETIQUETTE     FOR      ALL      OCCASIONS 

"  kept  for  the  last."  The  orchestra,  composed 
only  of  stringed  instruments,  is  usually  concealed 
behind  or  under  a  stairway  screened  from  view  by 
plants  and  tall  palms. 

The  hostess  and  her  assistants  wear  high-necked 
afternoon  gowns  with  long  sleeves  or  with  long 
Dress      gloves  meeting  a    shorter    sleeve,    ac- 
at         fording    to    fashion.     Though    attired 
receptions  with  elegance,  they  should  never  appear 
to  out-dress  their  guests.     Young  girls  when  re- 
ceiving often  wear  diaphanous  ball-gowns,  if  not 
too  elaborate,  made  with  high  bodices  and  long 
sleeves.     They  wear  gloves  or  not,  as  they  please. 
Visitors  appear   in    calling   costume,   the  women 
retaining  their  hats.     Men  wear  regulation  after- 
noon dress.     More  detailed  directions  are  given  in 
the  chapter  devoted  to  the  subject  of  dress. 

When  cards  have  been  sent  out  for  a  series  of 
"  teas  "  on  two  or  four  days  in  a  month,  the  enter- 
Less      tainment  is   far  simpler.     There  is   no 

formal     awning,    a   man  in   livery   shelters  the 

"teas"  cailers  beneath  an  umbrella  if  the 
weather  prove  inclement,  the  carpet  on  the  steps 
is  dispensed  with,  and  the  guests'  names  may  or 
may  not  be  announced  at  the  drawing-room  door. 
There  is  no  music  and  there  are  fewer  flowers,  but 
with  the  informality  often  comes  a  keener  sense  of 
enjoyment,  for  pleasure  is  sometimes  lost  in  a 
crowd. 

In  the  dining-room  a  table  is  prettily  decorated, 
at  one  end  of  which  is  a  tea-service,  with  samovar 
106 


AFTERNOON      TEAS 


or  a  kettle  boiling  over  a  lamp,  thinly  sliced 
lemon,  cream,  etc.,  and  a  service  for  chocolate  at 
the  other,  with  whipped  cream  and  powdered 
sugar.  Each  is  presided  over  by  a  friend  of  the 
hostess,  or  by  some  young  girl,  if  there  are  daugh- 
ters in  the  family.  They  should  be  prompt  to  offer 
to  serve  all  who  enter  the  dining-room,  whether 
they  are  acquainted  or  not  with  the  guests,  over- 
looking none.  A  servant  should  be  in  attendance 
to  remove  soiled  cups  and  plates  and  keep  the 
table  in  order.  Sandwiches,  cakes,  and  bonbons 
are  on  the  table,  and  a  servant  sometimes  serves 
from  the  pantry  cafe"  or  orange  frappe"  in  punch  or 
champagne  glasses  with  small  coffee-spoons.  Small 
napkins  are  a  convenience,  but  not  a  necessity. 

If  a  friend  from  a  distance  is  visiting   one,  a 
"  tea  "  in  her  honor  offers  the  opportunity  of  select- 
ing  among   one's   acquaintances  those 
who  are  likely  to  prove  most  congenial      tea  jn 
to   her,    without   incurring   the   danger    honor  of 
of  giving  umbrage  for  sins  of  omission.    a  visitor 
The  hostess  writes  on  her  card  "To  meet  Mrs. 
,"  and  in  one  corner  "  Tea  at  four  o'clock." 

One  may  at  any  time,  under  any  pretext,  gather 
a  few  friends  together  for  this  informal  function. 
Given  a  pretty  room, — whether  furnished 
in  chintz  or  old  brocade,  cretonne  or  six-  background 
teenth  century  velvet,  is  immaterial,  —  a 
cheery  wood  fire  crackling  on  the  hearth,  growing 
plants  at  the  windows,  books  and  magazines  scat- 
tered about,  and  in  one  corner  a  small  table  with 
107 


ETIQUETTE      FOR     ALL      OCCASIONS 

snowy  cloth  and  sparkling  silver,  and  we  have  a 
"  mise-en-scene "  that  no  normally  constituted 
woman  of  the  present  day  could  view  with  indif- 
ference ;  people  it  with  half-a-dozen  charming  and 
clever  women,  give  them  a  good  cup  of  tea,  a 
daintily  made  sandwich,  and  a  bit  of  home-made 
cake,  —  and  all  the  conditions  will  be  fulfilled  for 
a  delightful  afternoon.  As  the  daylight  wanes 
and  a  rosy-shaded  lamp  scatters  the  shadows,  the 
friends  may  see  each  other  in  that  flattering  light 
which  has  become  emblematic  of  partial  judgment 
and  gentle  criticism. 

It  is  said  that  in  these  days,  when  some  special 
business  matter  requires  to  be  talked  over,  a  man 

invites  his  friend  to  lunch    with    him; 
Special 

teas  the  social  influence  having  the  effect  of 
melting  and  fusing  differences  of  opin- 
ion. In  like  manner,  if  a  new  charity  is  to  be 
started,  or  some  pleasure  organized  on  a  large 
scale,  a  woman  gathers  her  friends  around  her  tea- 
table,  and  denying  herself  to  other  visitors,  has 
the  undivided  attention  of  her  guests  for  an  hour, 
and  may  talk  at  her  ease. 

One  little  company  of  friends  have  combated 
the  centrifugal  forces  of  our  modern  city  life  by 
meeting  once  a  week  for  a  cup  of  tea,  and  have 
kept  alive  the  "  sacred  fire  "  of  friendship  most 
successfully.  Any  good  story  or  bit  of  fun,  any 
strong  or  helpful  thought,  met  with  in  their  read- 
ing is  treasured  to  be  shared  at  the  "  tea-party." 
Each  member  is  in  turn  the  hostess,  and  enjoys 
1 08 


AFTERNOON      TEAS 


the  merry  rivalry  as  to  who  shall  have  the  most 
novel  sandwiches,  most  delicious  cake,  or  the 
greatest  success  in  the  brewing  of  that  much  abused 
beverage  that  serves  as  title  to  the  little  entertain- 
ment. They  find  the  hour  thus  spent  together 
both  restful  and  stimulating. 

Another  rebel  against  the  all-encroaching  de- 
mands of  general  society  has   solved  the   social 
problem    to    her    own    satisfaction    by     A  new 
dividing  all  her  acquaintance  into  four  solution  of 

parts,    each   of  which    is    made   up    of    a  social 
.     ...     ,  ,  .   ,      problem 

persons    most   likely   to    be   congenial. 

Instead  of  issuing  the  usual  cards  for  four  days 
in  the  month,  she  asks  each  set  for  one  special 
day,  while  assuring  them  of  her  welcome  on  all 
the  other  days.  She  writes  on  her  card  a  few 
cordial  words  of  invitation  to  come  informally  for 
a  cup  of  tea  and  to  meet  some  charming  people. 
One  sees  there  the  same  little  knots  of  friends 
enjoying  each  other  against  a  background  of 
"  sweetness  and  light,"  the  same  dainty  table  laden 
with  all  sorts  of  deliciousness  and  presided  over  at 
each  end  by  a  pretty  woman  in  a  pretty  gown,  as 
elsewhere,  but  there  is  a  different  atmosphere. 
One  has  the  feeling  of  a  warmer  wel-  A 
come,  of  being  distinguished  by  a  charming 
personal  thought  on  the  part  of  the  hostess 
hostess  from  the  mass  of  her  acquaintance  ;  and 
being  specially  invited  to  meet  those  present,  one 
is  quicker  to  feel  an  interest  in  them.  After  the 
first  half-hour  or  so,  the  hostess  leaves  her  post 
109 


ETIQUETTE     FOR     ALL      OCCASIONS 

at  the  entrance  of  the  room,  and  mingling  freely 
with  her  guests,  introduces  everybody  and  assumes 
the  responsibility  for  their  enjoyment.  The  result 
is  that  one  finds  it  convenient  to  forget  other 
"  teas "  inviting  one's  presence,  and  reflects  that 
"  another  time  will  do  "  for  them. 

Young  girls  find  much  pleasure  in  the  simple 
hospitality  of  afternoon  tea,  about  which  mamma 

Young     makes   no    demur,    it    entails   so    little 

girls'  trouble.  If  young  men  are  received,  of 
teas  course  some  chaperon  must  be  osten- 
sibly present ;  but,  as  "  there  is  safety  in  numbers  " 
she  may  with  a  little  tact  relieve  the  young  people 
of  any  unpleasant  sense  of  being  observed.  A 
young  girl  should  not  receive  her  friends  in  a  tea- 
gown,  though  her  mother  may  do  so  ;  indeed,  such 
a  garment  is  not  supposed  to  be  included  in  the 
wardrobe  of  an  unmarried  woman  while  youth  lasts. 

The  libation  that  we  pour  to  our  social  gods 
between  the  hours  of  four  and  six  may  well 
deserve  careful  consideration  in  its  concoction. 
It  is  said  that  only  at  Carlsbad  can  tea  be  en- 
joyed in  its  perfection.  This  throws  light  on  the 

How  to     mystery;  the  solution  is  the  character 
make  the   of  the  water  with  which  the  tea  is  made. 
tea        The  best   means   of  imitating  the  soft 
water  of  Carlsbad   is  to  add  a  pinch  of  soda  to 
the  water  before  it  is  boiled  for  brewing  the  tea. 
A  small  silver  bonbon  box  filled  with  bicarbonate 
of  soda  may  be  the  vassal   of  the  steaming  urn 
and  have  its  place  with  the  caddy, 
no 


AFTERNOON      TEAS 


Tea  should  be  poured  off  immediately  after  its 
infusion,  before  the  water  has  had  time  to  attack 
the  leaf  and  extract  the  poisonous  theine,  which 
is  the  principle  in  the  herb  that  affects  the  nerves 
undesirably.  Connoisseurs  make  a  great  point  of 
this,  and  say  that  tea  should  be  made  in  an  earthen- 
ware teapot  and  then  poured  into  the  silver  one 
from  which  it  is  served ;  but  a  tea-ball  or  one  of  the 
large  wire  egg-shaped  balls,  made  for  the  purpose, 
may  be  placed  in  the  silver  pot  and  withdrawn 
almost  immediately  and  the  same  result  obtained. 
The  old-fashioned  rule  of  one  teaspoonful  for  each 
person  and  one  for  the  pot  is  still  adhered  to,  and 
of  course  the  water  must  be  boiling  when  brought 
in  contact  with  the  tea,  and  the  teapot  rinsed  with 
the  boiling  water  before  the  tea  is  placed  in  the 
teapot. 

The  Russians  take  their  tea  always  with  lemon 
and  in  glasses  in  preference  to  cups.  The  Spanish 
think  a  leaf  of  the  fragrant  lemon-verbena  adds  a 
fragrant  bouquet  to  the  tea. 

Some  women  follow  the  German  fashion,  and 
serve  coffee  to  their  friends  instead  of  tea;  and 
others,  for  variety's  sake,  offer  them  Turkish  coffee. 

But  there  is  always  something  of  old-fashioned 
homeliness  about  tea,  which  may  account  for  its 
choice  above  other  beverages. 

It  is  said  by  a  recent  writer  that  Queen  Victoria 
never  went  for  a  drive  in  the  afternoon  without 
taking  with  her  an  elaborate  apparatus  for  brewing 
her  favorite  draught,  and  in  travelling  in  any  re- 

iii 


ETIQUETTE     FOR     ALL      OCCASIONS 

mote  Corner  of  the  globe  nothing  seems  to  recall 
to  an  Englishwoman  her  altars  and  her  fires  as 
when,  in  the  seclusion  of  her  room  at  a  hotel,  she 
may  make  herself  the  cheering  cup. 

It  is  a  French  innovation  to  add  to  the  simple  hos- 
pitality  "marrons  glaces"  and  "  petits 
Mistaken    *  » 

elaboration  f°urs>     which  the  American  mania  for 

decorative  effect  and  overdoing  does  not 
always  resist. 

In  England  bread  and  butter  wafers,  biscuits, 
sandwiches,  hot  toasted  and  buttered  muffins  or 
toast,  with  a  bit  of  plum  or  other  cake,  are  the 
only  things  one  sees.  In  adopting  a  fashion  we  are 
apt  to  elaborate  it,  say  our  critics,  the  world  over. 

Sandwiches  are  no  longer  the  primitive  affairs  of 
our  grandmothers'  day,  but  toothsome  morsels 
with  the  additional  charm  of  the  unexpected. 
The  rolling  and  tying  of  ribbons  is  not  in  good 
taste  because  suggestive  of  too  much  handling. 

The  little  two-storied  tea-tables  are  most  con- 
venient, and  some  are  further  supplemented  with 
wings  of  the  size  of  plates.  It  is  pref- 

ie. .      erable  to  keep  all  its  belongings  on  the 
tea-table 

table  itself,  and  not  distribute  them  on 
all  the  adjacent  furniture,  as  is  often  done.  If  pos- 
sible, it  is  well  to  have  a  little  table  here  and  there, 
or  other  convenience  whereon  a  cup  may  be  laid, 
while  some  tiny  plates  and  small  napkins  give  one 
a  feeling  of  security  against  accidents. 

The  woman  who  may  always  be  found  in  her 
drawing-room  at  five  o'clock  on  hospitable  thoughts 
112 


AFTERNOON      TEAS 


intent  will  not  lack  guests.     Her  house  will  soon 
become  a  favorite  place  for  "  dropping  in,"  where 
friends    may  meet   each    other,    and    if  A  Simpie> 
cleverly  managed  may  develop  into  the    friendly 
sort     of     charming     social     gatherings  hospitality 
known  to  the  French  of  the  last  century  as  the 
famous  "salons,"  where  the  exponents  of  all  that 
Paris  could  boast  of  wit  and  culture  met  at  short 
intervals,  and  where  it  is  said  that  "  modern  society 
was  born."     No  one  feels  under  obligations  for  so 
simple  an    entertainment.     "  Company  manners  " 
relax  and  wits  become  nimble  under  the  gentle 
stimulus  of  a  cup  of  tea,  and  we  always  enjoy  our- 
selves when  we  are  consciously  at  our  best. 

This   simple,    friendly    form   of    sociability,    so 
dear  to  womanly  hearts  has  also  its  drawbacks; 
there  is  a   reverse  side  to  the  picture,     snares 
Both  hostess  and  guests  should  respect       and 
the  rights  of  the  master  of  the  house,  at  drawbacks 
whose   home-coming,   tired,    perhaps,   and    indis- 
posed to  meet  his  wife's  friends,  the  house  should 
be  entirely  at   his  disposal    and   his  wife  free   to 
welcome  him. 

The  afternoon  tea  guests  should  be  invited  an 
hour  before  the  usual  time  for  the  husband's  return, 
and  should  have  sufficient  delicacy  of  feeling  to 
appreciate  that  "  a  man's  house  is  his  castle  "  and 
respect  his  possible  desire  for  privacy.  It  is  a 
common  thing  to  hear  a  man  coming  from  his 
place  of  business  say  to  his  friend,  "  Come  into 
the  club ;  there  is  no  use  going  home,  there  will 
8  113 


ETIQUETTE     FOR     ALL     OCCASIONS 

be  a  lot  of  people  there,  drinking  tea  and  chatter- 
ing "  (his  wife  calls  it  "  chatting  "). 

After  all,  the  little  time  between  his  return  home 
in  the  afternoon  and  the  hour  for  retiring  is  all  the 
home  life  that  many  a  man  has. 

A  thoughtful  wife  will  therefore  assume  a  per- 
functory smile  and  a  manner  a  little  "  distraite  "  as 
she  hears  her  husband's  latch-key  in  the 

1  * J     door  or  his  familiar  step  on  the  stair,  as 
amenities 

the  gentlest  reminder  to  her  guests  that 
it  is  growing  late.  A  tactful  wife  tempts  her  hus- 
band, as  her  last,  best  guest,  into  the  pleasant 
room  after  the  guests  depart,  where  she  sits  before 
her  urn,  makes  him  a  fresh  cup  of  tea,  and  enter- 
tains him  with  all  the  news,  bits  of  gossip,  or  inter- 
esting conversation  that  the  afternoon  has  brought 
her. 


114 


Chapter  Eighth— INTRODUCING 

A    DfiBUTANTE 

"  Welcome  her,  all  things  youthful  and  sweet, 
Scatter  the  blossoms  under  her  feet !  " 

.HIS  is  the  language  of  the  mother's 
?heart,  as  she  leads  her  young  daugh- 
'ter  forth  from  the  obscurity  of  home 
'life,  to  present  her  to  the  social 
>world  of  her  own  acquaintance. 
It  is  usually  a  somewhat  trying  ordeal  for  both 
parent  and  child.  The  mother  cannot  but  feel 
some  misgivings  lest  her  carefully  nurtured  dar- 
ling be  contaminated  by  her  intercourse  with 
Vanity  Fair,  and  to  the  daughter  the  novel  posi- 
tion brings  a  certain  awkward  self-consciousness, 
as  she  feels  directed  towards  her  the  lenses  of  a 
critical  inspection. 

Fortunately,  however,  the  kindliness  that  lies  at 
the  heart  of  humanity  is  usually  warmed  into  life 
at  sight  of  a  young  girl  making  her  first  indepen- 
dent step  into  that  world  of  which  she  is  to  be- 
come a  part,  —  a  sharer  in  its  weal  and  woe. 

Thirty  years  ago  a  young  girl's  entrance  into 
fashionable  society  was  invariably  made  at  a  ball 
given  at  her  own  home. 

Now  we  rarely  give  balls  to  celebrate  this  impor- 
tant event,  but  the  formal  presentation  of  the  young 
MS 


ETIQUETTE     FOR     ALL     OCCASIONS 

woman  takes  place  at  an  afternoon  tea  or  Recep- 
The        tion,  to  which  all  her  friends  and  those  of 

present    her  parents  are  bidden,  as  well  as  such 

fashion     acquaintances  as  they  care  to  include. 

The  cards  announce  that  Mrs.  Jones  Brown 
Smith  will  be  at  home  on  a  certain  afternoon  from 
four  until  seven,  and  the  debutante's  name,  en- 
graved beneath  that  of  her  mother,  informs  the 
recipients  for  what  purpose  the  entertainment  is 
given,  and  they  add  her  name  to  their  lists  of  those 
whom  they  may  invite  to  dinners,  balls,  etc. 

A  debutante's  presentation  gown  at  a  London 

Drawing-room  is  always   white,   be   the   material 

The  de"bu-  w^a^  **  ma7»  but  with  us  the  color  of  a 

tante's  "  coming  out "  frock  is  chosen  with 
dress  reference  to  its  becomingness  to  the 
wearer.  It  should  be  invariably  cut  high  at  the 
throat  and  with  long  sleeves,  and  be  light  in  tex- 
ture as  in  color,  and  in  its  dainty  simplicity  and 
"  girlishness "  make  a  contrast  to  the  elegance 
and  richness  of  the  mother's  attire. 

The  drawing-rooms  on  the  afternoon  of  the  re- 
ception are  decorated  with  palms  and  flowers  and 
potted  plants.  The  window  shades  are  drawn 
and  the  lights  lighted,  for  darkness  settles  down 
soon  after  four  o'clock  during  the  month  of 
November,  —  the  beginning  of  the  season,  when 
most  of  the  presentations  take  place.  Saturday  is 
the  favorite  day  of  the  week.  The  young  men  are 
apt  to  be  more  free  to  attend,  and  are  always 
thought  to  lend  eclat  to  the  occasion. 
116 


INTRODUCING    A    DEBUTANTE 

It  is  the  custom  in  New  York  for  friends  to  cele- 
brate such  occasions  with  gifts  of  flowers  to  the 
debutante,  which  usually  take  the  form          . 
of  bouquets  tied  with  ribbons  matching      pretty 
the  blossoms.  custom 

As  an  expression  of  kindly  welcome  to  her  new 
place  in  society,  the  custom  is  a  pretty  one,  and 
few  attentions  in  after-life  will  meet  with  such 
delighted  appreciation. 

These  bouquets  —  sometimes  there  are  dozens  of 
them,  and  fifty  or  sixty  is  not  an  unusual  number 
for  a  popular  girl  to  receive  —  are  arranged  taste- 
fully upon  the  mantels,  piano,  and  tables  about  the 
rooms,  and  the  young  woman  usually  selects  one 
to  hold  during  the  reception  of  her  guests,  and  so 
compliment  the  giver.  Sometimes  a  pretty  fan  is 
sent  instead  of  a  bouquet. 

The  entertainment  does  not  differ  in  other  par- 
ticulars from  an  ordinary  reception,  invitations  to 
which  include  all  one's  acquaintance. 

The  young  girl  stands  at  her  mother's  side  near 
the  principal  entrance  to  the  drawing-room.  The 

names  of  the  guests  are  announced  as 

Receiving 
they    enter    the    room,    and    after   wel-  the  guests 

coming  them  the  mother  presents  her 
daughter  to  each.  Though  apparently  a  trifling 
distinction,  it  is  in  better  taste,  and  shows  a 
knowledge  of  good  form,  if  the  daughter  is  intro- 
duced to  her  mother's  friends  rather  than  that 
they  should  be  presented  to  her. 

The  only  duty  devolving  upon  the  hostess  and 
117 


ETIQUETTE     FOR     ALL     OCCASIONS 

her  daughter  is  to  speak  to  the  guests  as  they 
enter,  and  again  as  they  leave,  and  to  stand  always 
at  the  door  of  the  room,  so  that  there  shall  be  no 
difficulty  in  finding  them.  They  need  not  stand 
as  though  rooted  to  the  spot.  If  interest  in  some- 
thing one  has  said  or  the  desire  to  prolong  the 
momentary  conversation  lead  the  young  woman  a 
few  steps  from  her  place,  after  the  first  rush  of 
arrivals  is  over,  it  but  shows  her  to  be  natural  and 
at  her  ease. 

"  It  is  the  first  step  that  costs,"  and  if  our 
maiden  can  prevent  her  smile  from  becoming  set 
and  her  manner  mechanical,  she  will  impress  many 
in  her  favor.  She  should  pronounce  the  name  of 
each  person  with  distinctness  and  a  gracious  inflec- 
tion of  the  voice  when  presented,  and  not  make 
too  obvious  a  difference  in  greeting  her  personal 
friends  from  her  new  acquaintances,  though  a 
heartier  hand-clasp  may  express  her  pleasure 
and  cordiality. 

Three  or  four  girl  friends  are  usually  stationed 
about  the  rooms  to  assist  in  receiving  and  enter- 
The       taining  the  guests,  while  two  others  rep- 
assistants  resent  the   hostess  in  the  dining-room. 

of  the      These  of  course  arrive  before  the  hour 
hostess  .         ,     .         ,         . 

appointed    in   the    invitations,    wearing 

light,  high-necked  gowns  that  harmonize  with  each 
other,  and  without  hats.  If  they  have  about  the 
same  set  of  acquaintances,  they  will  know  many  of 
the  guests  present,  but  if  they  do  not  know  them 
by  name,  they  are  representing  the  hostess  and 
118 


INTRODUCING    A    DEBUTANTE 

may  speak  to  any  one ;  particularly  is  it  their  duty 
to  single  out  for  attention  any  who  may  seem  un- 
acquainted with  those  present.  The  conversation 
generally  opens  with  the  invitation  "  Will  you  not 
come  into  the  dining-room,  and  let  me  get  you 
some  tea  or  something?  "  Let  these  young  women 
remember  that  they  are  detailed  for  duty,  and  in 
their  conversation  with  the  young  men  present  (for 
men  are  included  in  the  invitations  and  their 
presence  is  appreciated)  not  forget  their  repre- 
sentative character. 

In  the  dining-room  the  table  is  tastefully  ar- 
ranged with  flowers,  lights,  and  other  pretty  decor- 
ations of  bonbons,  cakes,  etc.,  a  single 

The  table 
color  predominating.     Pink  or  white  and 

green  are  the  favorite  colors  for  the  decorations. 

Three  or  four  men-servants  are  in  attendance. 
The  menu  differs  in  no  way  from  that  of  an 
ordinary  "  tea,"  invitations  to  which  include  one's 
entire  acquaintance.  An  orchestra  is  usually  con- 
cealed behind  a  screen  of  plants  and  palms  or  a 
portiere  of  smilax. 

The  entertainment  often  concludes  with  a  little 
dinner,  given  to  the  young  women  who     A  little 
have  helped  to  receive  the  guests  and  to   dinner  to 
other   particular  friends   of  the  young   conclude 
queen   of  the   fe~te.     She  is  now  fairly 
"  out,"  as  the  current  cant  phrase  has  it,  and  invi- 
tations probably  follow. 

Some  persons  think  it  in  better  taste  to  give  a 
more  quiet  notification  to  friends  that  a  daughter 
119 


ETIQUETTE     FOR     ALL     OCCASIONS 

has  completed  her  studies  and  is  ready  to  enter 
the  world  of  society.     Others  are  restricted  from 
Simpler    mv^tmg   all  their  friends  by  the  size  of 
entertain-  their  houses,  and  send   cards   for  two, 
ments  for  three,  or  four  afternoon  teas,  in  order  to 
accommodate  their  acquaintances.      In 
such  cases  there  may  be  a  table  in  the  dining- 
room  prettily  decorated,  at  one  end  of  which  a  girl 
friend  will  serve  tea,  and  opposite  her  another  who 
will  pour  chocolate.     The  dining-room  is  often  so 
crowded  that  the  hostess  and  her  daughter  are  left 
quite  alone  in  their  glory.     Needless  to  say  this  is 
not  good  form  on  the  part  of  the  guests. 

The  debutante  receives  with  her  mother,  of 
course,  and  never  leaves  the  drawing-room  until 
nearly  every  one  is  gone,  when  she  may  join  her 
remaining  friends  in  the  dining-room  to  "talk  it 
over." 

After  a  young  girl  has  been  thus  "  launched,"  or 
even  if  she  only  quietly  receives  with  her  mother 
when  that  lady's  friends  visit  her,  she  may  accept 
invitations  to  balls,  etc.,  and  is  then  in  "society" 
and  subject  to  all  its  conventionalities. 

Upon  her   should   devolve   the  duty   of  keep- 
ing the   account   of  reception   days,   seeing   that 
cards   are   sent,   noting  any  change  of 

residence  in  the  address  book,  writing 
new  duties 

notes  of  invitation,  acceptance,  or  regret. 
On  receiving  days  she  usually  assumes  the  duty  of 
dispensing  the  tea  or  offering  it,  and  in  all  enter- 
taining is  her  mother's  coadjutor. 
120 


INTRODUCING    A     DEBUTANTE 

If  she  has  been  a  member  of  one  or  more  of  the 
popular  "  dancing-classes,"  she  will  have  formed  a 

little  coterie  of  friends  with  whom  she  is 

,.  .  Tr  Dancing- 

on  pleasant  terms  of  intimacy.     If  not,     ciasses 

it  would  be  well  to  join  such  class  or 

classes  as  an  agreeable  initiation  into  the  social 

mysteries. 

The  membership  is  controlled  by  a  set  of  lady 
patronesses,  who  exercise  a  careful  censorship  in 
the  matter  of  invitations,  and  if  the  mother  of  the 
debutante  count  one  or  more  of  these  ladies  among 
her  friends  or  her  friends'  friends,  an  invitation  for 
the  young  woman  will  not  be  difficult  to  procure. 
The  patronesses  act  as  chaperons,  and  will  take 
pleasure  in  presenting  to  her  such  members  of  the 
class  as  will  be  most  likely  to  further  her  enjoy- 
ment. It  will  be  appreciated  by  a  young  man  if 
she  suggest  seeking  her  chaperon's  side  when  he, 
perhaps,  is  embarrassed  to  know  how  to  free  him- 
self for  his  next  engagement. 

As  a  young  girl's  circle  of  friends  is  presum- 
ably not  a  very  large  one  during  her  first   year 
in  society,  it  is  the  time  to  take  advan- 
tage of  the  fact  to   entertain  in    small  The  ?oung 

ffirl  3,s 

numbers.     The  pleasures  of  hospitality     hostess 
often  seem  to  decrease  in  proportion  as 
they  are  made  to   cover   much  ground,   and  the 
spirit  of  large  and   fashionable  functions  is  often 
not  so  much  enjoyment  as  competition. 

Little  dinners,  followed  by  some  merry  games 
with  prizes,  dainty  luncheons,  small  cotillions  of 


ETIQUETTE     FOR     ALL     OCCASIONS 

not  more  than  twenty  or  thirty  couples,  theatre 
parties  properly  chaperoned,  —  these  are  some  of 
the  ways  in  which  a  young  girl  can  make  merry 
with  her  friends,  before  the  proportions  of  her 
visiting-list  shall  impose  other  and  greater  obli- 
gation. 

It  is  usual  for  the  debutante  to  give  some  special 

entertainment   for   the    girls   who    have    received 

A         with  her  at  her  "coming  out  tea"  in 

pleasant    recognition  of  that  courtesy.     They  are 
obligation  the  guests  of  honor)  but  Qthers  are  in_ 

vited  with  them  for  a  luncheon,  dinner,  theatre- 
party,  or  dance. 

It  is  difficult  to  picture  a  happier  life  or  one  of 
greater  freedom  than  that  enjoyed  by  the   girls 
of  the  present  day.     Sports  and  pleas- 
pleasure    ures  formerly  the  monopoly  of  young 
and        men  are  allowed  to  be  her  privilege  to 
social      enjoy   as    well.      Life   is    replete    with 
varied   interests,  but  is  apt  to  become 
overcrowded.       Social     pleasure    involves     social 
pressure,  and  health  is  sacrificed  in  the  pursuit  of 
happiness.      To    insist    upon    moderation    is    the 
mother's  responsibility. 

In  making  calls  with    her  daughter,  a  woman 
who  has  enjoyed  the  reputation  of  being  socially 
A  hint      attractive  or  an  interesting  talker  must 
to  the      remember  not  to  overshadow  the  girl, 
mother     but:  leave  room  for  her  personality  to 
express  itself,  leading  the  conversation  to  subjects 
about  which  she  can  talk  with  interest. 
122 


INTRODUCING    A     DEBUTANTE 

The  question  often  arises  in  the  parents'  minds 
whether  or  not  to  take  advantage  of  opportunities 
that  present  themselves  to  introduce 

their  daughters  into  wealthier  or  more      a!"!n  a 

problems 

fashionable  circles  than  those  perhaps 
to  which  they  have  been  accustomed.  It  is 
always,  however,  at  a  little  risk  to  happiness  to 
throw  a  young  girl  among  those  whose  lives  are 
a  perpetual  pageant.  It  is  apt  to  induce  false  and 
exaggerated  ideas  of  the  value  of  money,  and 
those  whose  light  purse  must  not  open  for  unne- 
cessary luxuries  grow  discontented  and  lose  the 
joy  of  life. 

The  programme  laid  out  for  a  debutante  by  a 
mother  with  social  aspirations  includes  a  box  at 
the  opera  for  the  season,  that  the  girl  The 
may  be  seen,  invitations  to  the  fashion-  fashionable 
able  public  balls,  preceded  by  dinners,  programme 
to  which  are  invited  the  eligible  young  men, 
thus  laying  them  under  obligations  which  it  is 
hoped  will  be  discharged  by  dancing  with  the 
daughter.  A  month  or  two  at  Newport  and  Bar 
Harbor,  a  few  weeks  at  Lenox  in  the  autumn, 
Tuxedo  at  Christmas,  and  a  London  season  in  the 
spring,  —  a  showy  career,  to  which  wealth  is  the 
/^passport  and  a  conspicuous  marriage  the  aim. 

A  girl  should  keep  herself  informed  of  the 
current  news  of  the  day,  know  at  least  the  names 
and  authors  of  the  new  books,  and  be  able  to  say 
something  about  those  she  has  read.  The  art  of 
conversation  well  rewards  the  pains  of  acquiring 
123 


ETIQUETTE  FOR  ALL  OCCASIONS 

it,  and  the  ability  to  dance  well  is  always  a  pass- 
port to  favor. 

She  is  expected  to  understand  what  is  good 
in  music,  and  to  hear,  when  possible,  the  singers 
and  musicians  talked  about. 

An  intelligent,  sympathetic  listener,  who  always 
gives  one  his  legitimate  half  in  the  conversation 
and  whose  manner  is  responsive,  is  always  an 
agreeable  companion. 

In  replying  to  a  compliment,  the  resources  of 
fancy  seem  to  be  singularly  at  fault  among  the 
present  generation.  "  It  is  awfully  kind  of  you  to 
say  so,"  seems  to  exhaust  all  modern  require- 
ments. 

A  sense  of  humor  and  a  facility  for  good-natured 
drollery  are  worth  cultivating,  but  are  only  per- 
manently pleasing  when  innocent  and  kindly  in 
spirit.  Above  all,  let  a  debutante  try  to  speak 
well  of  everybody,  and  cultivate  the  habit  of  see- 
ing people  in  a  favorable  light.  A  ready  retention 
of  the  names  and  faces  of  the  people  presented 
always  pleases,  and  a  ready  smile  is  winning. 

A   girl  accepts   no   attentions   from    men   until 
they    have    called    (at    her    mother's    invitation) 
and  are  on  a  footing  of  acquaintance- 
bred  girl    ship-     Flowers,  bonbons,  and  books  are 
the  only  gifts  that  it  is  permissible  for 
her  to  accept  from  a  man  unless  she  is  engaged 
to  him. 

She  should  not  pay  compliments  to  men,  nor 
show  her  preference  for  any  one  too  obviously, 
124 


INTRODUCING    A     DEBUTANTE 

though  her  manner  should  show  cordial  friendli- 
ness to  all  who  are  worthy  of  it. 

A  debutante  of  this  season  said  that  what  she 
most  dreaded  was  the  "  ordeal  of  the  dressing- 
room,"  —  that  girls  whom  she  did  not  know  looked 
her  over  from  head  to  foot,  as  though  appraising 
her  toilette. 

It  is  indisputable  that  to  be  well  dressed  gives  a 
girl  a  feeling  of  confidence  and  puts  her  at  her 
ease,  but,  once  dressed,  she  should  forget  all  about 
it.  To  outshine  her  companions  is  to  provoke 
their  envy.  A  pretty,  fresh,  but  inconspicuous 
gown  is  in  the  best  taste. 

Aside  from  moral  reasons,  it  is  bad  form  and 
prejudicial  to  a  girl's  interests  to  appear  indifferent 
to  the  liking  and  approval  of  her  own  sex  and  seek 
popularity  only  with  the  other.  When  men  are 
her  chief  friends  and  partisans,  a  girl  is  on  exceed- 
ingly thin  social  ice. 

When  in  her  pleasures  a  girl  remembers  to  be 
unselfish,  to  behave  with  grace,  tact,  and  sympathy 
to  all  about  her,  while  enjoying  herself  with  all  her 
might,  she  is  fulfilling  one  of  the  purposes  of  her 
creation  in  common  with  the  birds  and  flowers. 

"  In  happy  hearts  are  all  the  sunbeams  forged 
That  brighten  up  this  weather-beaten  world." 


125 


Chapter  Ninth— LUNCHEONS,  BREAK- 
FASTS, AND  SUPPERS 

[NE  of  the  cleverest  of  Frenchmen 
defined  a  club  as  a  "  Paradise  from 
which  Eves  are  excluded."  We  will 
be  more  courteous,  and  say  that  a 
woman's  luncheon  is  the  nearest 
feminine  approach  to  the  same  kind  of  enjoyment 
that  is  at  present  open  to  those  of  us  who  are  not 
club-women,  in  the  absence  of  our  respective 
Adams. 

Unlike  our  English  cousins,  apparently,  Ameri- 
can women  seem  to  have  a  hearty  pleasure  in  each 
other's  society.  A  "  progressive "  English  girl 
once  explained  the  reason  to  her  satisfaction.  "  In 
your  country,"  she  said,  "  there  are  men  enough 
to  go  around." 

Be  the  reason  what  it  may,  the  popularity  of 
women's  luncheons  seems  to  demonstrate  the  fact. 
The  French  invite  their  friends  to  share  their  d6- 
jeuners  a  la  fourchette ;  "  the  English  have  their 
five-o'clock  teas,  which  have  the  same  charm  of 
informality;  but  it  remains  with  the  women  of 
America  to  have  evolved  the  "  luncheon  "  in  its 
present  form  as  a  dainty  feminine  entertainment. 

To  insure  its  success  it  is,  of  course,  of  the  first 
importance  to  bring  together  people  who  will  be 
126 


LUNCHEONS,     BREAKFASTS,     SUPPERS 

congenial.     It  is  well  to  send  the  invitations  from 
a  week  to  two  weeks  in  advance  of  the  luncheon, 
according  to  the  degree  of  its  elegance       First 
and   formality;    and   a  written    note  is  condition 
always  best,  cordial,  friendly,  and  con-  ofsuccess 
veying  to  the    recipient   a   welcome    in   advance. 
Try   not  to  repeat  the  same  note,   but  let  your 
friend's  personality  possess  and  inspire  you,  though 
an  obvious  effort  after  originality  is  always  disas- 
trous.    The  usual  hour  is  one  or  half  after  one 
o'clock. 

If  you  doubt  your  cook's  ability,  by  all  means 
hire  one  for  the  occasion,  if  the  entertainment  be 

an  elaborate  one,  and  save  your  peace   , 

The  cook 
of  mind.     Excellent  cooks  may  be  had 

in  large  cities  who  for  three  or  five  dollars  will  serve 
a  very  dainty  repast,  and  things  freshly  cooked  in 
your  own  kitchen  have  a  superior  flavor  to  anything 
sent  from  a  caterer  and  warmed  over. 
If  your  butler  or  waitress  be  inexperi-  The 
enced,  write  legibly  on  a  sheet  of  paper 
the  character  and  order  of  each  course,  with  any 
directions  you  may  desire,  and  post  it  up  in  a  con- 
spicuous place  in  the  pantry  for  reference.  The 
servant  may  quietly  consult  this  between  the 
courses,  and  thus  avoid  taxing  the  memory,  and  the 
hostess  may  devote  herself  to  her  guests  without 
anxiety.  Two  persons  are  required  to  serve  more 
than  six  guests  well,  and  an  assistant  in  the  pantry 
will  be  found  a  great  convenience,  if  not  a  necessity. 
In  households  where  many  servants  are  employed, 
127 


ETIQUETTE     FOR      ALL     OCCASIONS 

the  luncheon  would  be  served  by  the  butler  in  after- 
noon livery,  assisted  by  a  footman  in  house  livery, 
or  by  one  or  more  maids  in  black  gowns  with  white 
caps  and  aprons.  In  more  modest  establishments 
two  maids  can  serve  a  luncheon  very  acceptably. 

Either  use  a  polished  mahogany  table  with  a 
centrepiece  and  doilies  to  match,  or  if  you  prefer 

a  luncheon  cloth,  have  the  centrepiece 
Laying  the 

table       DUt  no  place  doilies.     More  latitude  is 

allowed  in  the  matter  of  napery  at  a  lun- 
cheon than  for  a  dinner.     "  A  fair  white  cloth  "  is 
considered  to  be  in  the  best  taste  for  the  latter, 
while  at  luncheon  the  tablecloth  may  be  as  elab- 
orate as  one  may  desire,  adorned  with  drawn-work, 
embroidery  in  white,  or  richly  trimmed  with  heavy 
lace,  like  those  so  often  seen  in  paintings.     The 
napkins  are  usually  smaller   than   those    used  at 
dinner.     A  fernery  or  dish  of  fruit  makes  an  accept- 
able centrepiece   for  an  informal  luncheon,  but  a 
bowl,  silver  loving-cup,  or  vase  of  flowers  is  always 
seen  where  there  are  many  guests,  or  if  the  lun- 
The  frugal  c^eon  *s  m  ^e  nature  of  a  complimen- 
mind  on    tary    entertainment.      The    woman    of 
pleasure    slender  material  resources  may  supple- 
ment them  with  a  little  ingenuity.     The 
street-venders  sell  flowers  that  will  last  fresh  for 
several  hours,  at  very  modest  cost.     One  young 
housekeeper,  lacking  an  epergne,  filled  a  deep  pan 
with  pink  roses,  about  which  she  tied  a  wide  satin 
ribbon  matching  the   blossoms,  which   concealed 
the  plebeian  character  of  the  pan,  and  with  a  bow 
128 


LUNCHEONS,  BREAKFASTS,  SUPPERS 

on  one  side  made  a  charming  effect.  In  the  spring 
she  repeated  the  idea,  filling  her  pan  with  daffo- 
dils, and  tying  it  about  with  a  yellow  ribbon,  paint- 
ing the  outside  of  the  pan  the  same  color,  lest  a 
bit  should  show  inadvertently.  If  an  ox-muzzle  is 
placed  over  the  dish,  its  wire  meshes  hold  each 
flower  in  place,  greatly  simplifying  their  arrange- 
ment and  economizing  them,  as  each  blossom  then 
does  its  full  duty. 

At  a  small   luncheon   among  friends,  the  tea- 
service  is  before  the  hostess,  who  makes  and  serves 
the  tea  in  the  good  old-fashioned  way,        An 
and  bread-and-butter  plates  replace  the    informal 
individual  butter-dishes.  luncheon 

At  a  formal  luncheon  nothing  edible  is  placed 
upon  the  table  but  the  fruit,  cakes,  bonbons,  salted 
nuts,  and  hors  d'ceuvres.     The  little  fag-      Table 
got-shaped  wafers  tied  up  with  a  ribbon  decorations 
matching   the   flowers    make    a   pretty  at  formal 
effect.     Laced  papers  should  be  inter-  luncheon 
posed  between  all  these  things  and  the  silver,  glass, 
or  china  dishes  containing  them,  except  of  course 
the  olives,  radishes,  or  other  hors  d'oeuvres. 

If  you  have  wine,  a  decanter  of  claret  and  one 
of  sherry  may  also  be  upon  the  table.     Claret  cup, 
if  preferred  to  wines,  is  served  from  the       The 
side  table  in  a  glass  pitcher,  a  bouquet      wines 
of  mint  in  its  mouth. 

At   a   young   girl's   luncheon   wines    are    never 
served ;  the  effervescent  waters  replace  them,  and 
at  all  women's  luncheons  these  are  increasing  in 
9  129 


ETIQUETTE     FOR     ALL      OCCASIONS 

» 

popularity,  and  are  regarded  as  in  better  taste  than 
wines.  Champagne  is  entirely  banished. 

The  custom  of  giving  favors  at  luncheons  has 
been  so  overdone  as  to  have  been  abandoned  alto- 
gether.    A  bunch  of  violets,  a  single  rose,  or  very 
occasionally  a  small  bonbonniere  is  the 

owers    Qnj     favor  now  considered  to  be  good 
and  favors         J  & 

form.      Violets    are    usually   preferred. 

The  name-cards  are  simple  ones  with  the  mono- 
gram of  the  hostess,  but  may  be  made  to  con- 
tribute to  the  artistic,  complimentary,  or  amusing 
features  of  the  occasion,  if  one  please.  On  the 
reverse  side  sometimes  a  quotation  appropriate  or 
flattering  is  written.  Menus  are  never  used. 

Theoretically  artificial  light  at  midday  is  not  in 

the  best  taste,  but  no  one  likes  to  sit  facing  a  sunny 

window  with    one's  opposite  neighbors 

ig  ting    turne(j  jnt;0  silhouettes,  and  then  candle- 
the  table 

light  is  becoming  and  the  shades  deco- 
rative.    All  of  which  reasons  will  probably  con- 
spire to  exclude  the  daylight. 
Points  of       A  formal  luncheon  differs  from  a  din- 
difference  ner  b^  jn  few  particulars.    The  manner 
between  a      /•  .        .       ,          ,   .  ,      ..      , 

luncheon        serving  is  almost  identical. 

and  a           Fruit  is  preferred  to  oysters  as  a  first 
dinner      course,  bouillon  is  served  in  cups,  com- 
monly with  two  handles,  and  the  roast  is    often 
replaced  by  chops  with  peas  or  a  pur^e  of  chest- 
nuts, or  by  an  extra  entree. 

The  usual  stereotyped  luncheon  in  winter  begins 
with  grape-fruit  cut  in  halves,  the  pulp  loosened 
130 


LUNCHEONS,  BREAKFASTS,  SUPPERS 

around  the  edge,  the  seeds  removed,  powdered 
sugar  put  in  the  centre,  and  dashed  with  mareschino. 

A  half  is    placed  before  each    person, 

.  ..         The  menu 

sometimes  wreathed  about  with  smilax 

on  the  plate,  and  eaten  with  a  dessert  or  tea  spoon. 
Clam  broth  or  bouillon  follows,  served  in  cups; 
then  lobster  or  fish  in  individual  shells ;  an  entree  of 
chicken,  sweetbread,  or  a  "  vol-au-vent;  "  then  filet 
of  beef  or  chops  with  French  peas  or  string  beans. 
Chocolate  may  be  here  passed  in  cups  with  whipped 
cream  on  the  top,  unless  wine  or  "  cup  "  is  served. 
The  next  course  will  be  birds  and  lettuce  with 
French  dressing  or  a  mayonnaise  of  celery.  This 
is  sometimes  preceded  by  a  "  sorbet "  or  Roman 
punch  served  in  very  thin  glasses,  or  a  simple 
vegetable,  —  asparagus  or  artichokes.  The  game 
course  may  be  replaced  by  an  aspic  of  foie  gras  or 
tomato  jelly  in  a  ring  mould,  the  centre  filled  with 
dressed  celery.  The  meal  concludes  with  ices, 
cakes,  bonbons,  and  coffee,  served  at  table  or  in 
the  drawing-room. 

In  the  summer  a  charming  luncheon  may  consist 
of  small  clams  on  ice,  jellied  bouillon,  cold  salmon  • 
with  green  mayonnaise,  sweetbreads,  or  mush- 
rooms on  toast,  broiled  chicken  with  lettuce,  straw- 
berries or  peaches  with  ice  cream,  bonbons,  and 
coffee. 

It  is  always  a  mark  of  distinction  when  a  hostess 
may  give  her  guests  certain  dishes  not  eaten 
elsewhere.  These  should  not  appear  so  often 
as  to  give  the  impression  of  monotony,  but  often 


ETIQUETTE     FOR      ALL      OCCASIONS 

enough  to  make  one  anticipate  their  possible 
reappearance. 

The  guests  remove  their  wraps  in  an  upstairs 
room,  retaining  their  hats;  the  hostess  wears  a 
pretty  house-dress. 

The  servant  is  informed  of  the  number  of  guests 
expected,  and  when  all  have  arrived  luncheon  is 
announced.  Should  there  be  a  belated  guest  the 
hostess  defers  the  order  for  luncheon  not  longer 
than  fifteen  minutes,  in  justice  to  the  rest.  There 
is  no  formal  procession  in  entering  the  dining- 
room.  The  hostess  rises  and  simply  says,  in  a 
gracious  manner,  "  Ladies,  luncheon  is  served ; 
will  you  follow  me?"  The  friend  with  whom  she 
is  most  intimate  is  generally  given  the  foot  of  the 
table,  and  those  whom  she  most  desires  to  honor, 
the  places  upon  her  right  and  left. 

The  servants  in  passing  the  dishes  begin  with  the 
ladies  at  the  right  and  left  of  the  hostess  alternately, 

Serving  an^  gomg  m  opposite  directions  bring 
the  each  course  last  to  the  lady  of  the  house. 

luncheon  Th^g  js  no  reason  to  pass  anything  to 
her  first  unless  it  is  something  a  little  difficult  to 
serve. 

A  hostess  appears  more  as  though  her  hospital- 
ity were  arranged  to  give  pleasure  to  her  guests 
when  she  does  not  show  a  too  evident 

A  point  of  enj0yment  of  her  own  good  things.     A 
excellence  ....  •  •  « 

certain  disinterestedness,  which  one  in- 
stinctively recognizes,  is  a  becoming  accomplish- 
ment in  a  hostess. 

132 


LUNCHEONS,     BREAKFASTS,     SUPPERS 

It  is  one  of  the  rules  of  tasteful  catering  that  two 
sauces  of  the  same  color  should  not  follow  each 
other.  Sauces  are  the  test  of  good  cookery. 

There  was  a  famous  bet  made  in  Paris  in  the  days 
of  the  Regency.  Two  well-known  "  gourmets  " 
were  extolling  their  respective  cooks  and  their 
own  delicacy  of  taste,  when  one  bet  the  other  that 
his  cook  could  prepare  a  dish  the  materials  of 
which  his  rival  would  be  unable  to  recognize.  The 
day  of  the  test  came,  and  an  entree  was  served 
that  all  found  delicious.  No  one  could  guess,  how- 
ever, of  what  it  was  composed.  The  cook  was 
questioned  whether  the  mysterious  dish  were  of 
chicken,  sweetbreads,  or  calves'  brains.  He  finally 
explained  that  it  was  made  of  a  pair  of  white  kid 
gloves,  boiled  to  jelly-like  shreds  and  served  with 
a  white  sauce,  elaborately  flavored  and  seasoned. 
It  was  clever,  but  we  may  not  regret  that  our 
cooks  are  less  resourceful. 

Freshness,  daintiness,  absence  of  ostentation, 
while  using  all  that  one  can  command  that  is 
artistic  and  tasteful,  should  be  the  characteristics 
of  a  luncheon.  The  guests  take  their  leave  not 
more  than  half  an  hour  after  leaving  the  table. 

When  one  desires  to  entertain  many  guests  at  a 
time,  four  small  round  tables  will  accommodate 
twenty  or  twenty-four  persons.  As  Luncheons 
friends  may  be  grouped  by  themselves,  served  at 
this  arrangement  has  the  cosiness  of  a  small  tables 
small  gathering,  while  the  many  guests  give  it  the 
brilliancy  of  a  large  one.  The  expense  of  such  an 
'33 


ETIQUETTE     FOR      ALL      OCCASIONS 

entertainment  is  also  much  smaller  than  would  be 
two  luncheons  of  ten  or  twelve  covers  each. 

The  tables  are  usually  decorated  in  different 
colors,  each  with  a  small  centrepiece  of  flowers,  a 
candelabrum,  and  dishes  of  cakes  and  bonbons. 

At  the  prettiest  luncheon  of  the  kind  I  ever  saw, 
the  four  tables  were  decorated  to  suggest  the  four 
seasons.  The  "  spring  table  "  was  all 


"  Sreen  and  white,  with  lilies  of  the  valley 


in  the  centre  ;  that  suggesting  summer 
was  a  mass  of  roses,  the  decorations  all  a  soft, 
blushing  pink.  The  one  for  autumn  was  a  golden 
glory  of  chrysanthemums,  and  for  winter  white 
and  red,  the  centrepiece  of  holly.  Even  in  the 
ices  the  idea  was  carried  out;  snowballs,  per- 
fectly round,  coated  with  colorless  lemon  ice, 
were  served  at  the  winter  table,  ice  cream  straw- 
berries for  spring,  roses  for  summer,  and  fruits 
for  autumn. 

In  contrast  to  these  fine  doings  are 
luncheons  ^e  triumphs  of  economy  realized  at  the 

Fifty  Cent  Luncheon  Clubs. 
Ten  or  a  dozen  ladies  agreed  to  meet  at  alter- 
nate houses  once  a  fortnight  for  luncheon.  At 
every  meeting  each  guest  brought  fifty  cents, 
which  was  given  to  some  charity,  and  each  hostess 
held  herself  pledged  not  to  exceed  the  sum  of  five 
dollars  in  preparing  her  entertainment.  At  the 
close  of  the  meal  the  hostess  read  an  itemized  list 
of  all  that  had  been  expended,  which  the  ladies 
noted  on  the  back  of  their  name-cards. 


LUNCHEONS,     BREAKFASTS,     SUPPERS 

One  hostess  offered  her  guest  a  "  Literary 
Luncheon "  of  which  the  menu  was  as  follows 
(cost,  $4.87)  "Lays  of  Ancient  Rome"  (stuffed 
eggs),  Macaulay ;  "  The  Red  Skins  "  (lobster  farci) 
Cooper;  "Lamb's  Works"  (chops,  with  potato 
croquettes),  Lamb;  "Cometh  up  as  a  Flower" 
(mushrooms),  Rhoda  Broughton ;  "  Salad  for  the 
Solitary  and  the  Social  "  (lettuce),  Saunders ;  "  The 
Queen  of  Curds  and  Cream  "  (cream  cheese),  Mrs. 
Gerard ;  "  Man  and  the  Glacial  period  (orange  ice 
in  skins),  Wright ;  "  Coffee  and  Repartee  "  (coffee), 
John  Kendrick  Bangs.  The  explanations  in 
parentheses  were  not  on  the  menu. 

The  table  was  set  with  all  dainty  accessories,  but 
home-made  bonbons  replaced  the  usual  sweets. 
The  plan  taxed  ingenuity,  taught  economy,  stimu- 
lated interest  in  the  preparation  of  new  and  inex- 
pensive dishes,  pleased  by  its  novelty,  and  made 
the  interchange  of  social  functions  possible  to 
many  who  would  otherwise  deny  themselves  a 
pleasure  that  they  craved  and  sometimes  needed, 
since  the  old  proverb  about  "  all  work  and  no 
play  "  is  as  true  of  grown-up  children  as  of  the 
little  ones. 

At  our  fashionable  summer  resorts  ladies  who 
have  their  own  houses  often  give  carte  blanche  invi- 
tations for  luncheon  to  their  men  friends,    informai 
and   encourage  their  women  friends  to  luncheons 
drop  in  often.     The  result  is  usually  a  in  summer 
merry  and  informal  meal,  which  rapidly  ripens  into 
intimacy.     It  permits  irregularity  of  numbers  and 


ETIQUETTE     FOR     ALL     OCCASIONS 

unequal  distribution  of  the  sexes.  People  sit 
where  they  please,  and  a  late  arrival  is  made 
welcome.  They  wear  golf  and  tennis  suits,  and 
linger  at  the  table,  but  take  their  leave  shortly 
after  leaving  it,  in  deference  to  the  possible 
afternoon  engagements  of  the  hostess,  or  all  ad- 
journ to  the  veranda,  where  coffee  and  cigars 
are  enjoyed.  The  meal  is  usually  a  simple  one ; 
two  courses  and  a  salad,  concluding  with  fruit, 
amply  suffices.  Iced  tea  or  coffee,  hock  or  claret 
cup,  and  effervescent  waters  are  the  usual  drinks. 

A  breakfast  given  as  an  entertainment  differs 
from  a  luncheon  in  several  particulars  which 

people  are  not    always  careful  to    ob- 
Breakfasts  r 

serve.     The  hour  appointed  should  not 

be  later  than  twelve  or  half  after  twelve  o'clock. 

Artificial  light  should,  if  possible,  be  avoided, 
and  the  table  decorations  suggest  daintiness  rather 
than  richness  or  elegance.  Whatever  is  saved  in 
other  ways  may  be  appropriately  expended  upon 
the  flowers. 

One  of  the  prettiest  centrepieces  that  I  saw  at  a 
breakfast  was  a  round  Leghorn  hat  filled  with 
roses.  A  dish  holding  water  was  set  in  the 
crown.  It  looked  as  though  a  garden-hat  had 
served  temporarily  for  a  basket  while  the  roses 
were  being  gathered.  Strawberries  formed  the 
first  course,  served  in  tiny  flower-pots,  lined  and 
surrounded  by  their  own  leaves.  Though  artistic, 
this  was,  perhaps,  straining  a  bit  after  effect,  and 
simplicity  is  possibly  in  better  taste. 
136 


LUNCHEONS,  BREAKFASTS,  SUPPERS 

A  breakfast  should  invariably  begin  with  fruit, 
succeeded  by  a  fish  course,  an  entree  —  preferably 
of  some  concoction  of  eggs,  one  meat,  The  menu 
a  salad,  and  a  "  sweet,"  concluding  with  of  a 
coffee.  Sweetbread  or  mushrooms  may  breakfast 
replace  the  egg  course.  The  meat  selected  is 
usually  broiled  chicken,  with  which  the  salad 
would  be  served,  or  salmi  of  duck,  cutlets,  or 
chicken  a  la  Creole,  when  the  salad  would  form  a 
separate  course  with  toasted  biscuits  and  some  fine 
cheese.  Game  is  not  out  of  place  at  an  elaborate 
breakfast,  but  as  it  is  usually  an  informal  repast 
many  courses  are  out  of  place.  Ices  are  not  served 
at  a  breakfast,  but  strawberries  or  other  fruit,  with 
Devonshire  cream,  fruit  salad,  or  "  Macedoine,"  or 
omelette  soufflee,  are  within  the  proprieties. 

What  the  French  call  "  1'abondance  "  —  namely, 
claret  and  water  —  is  the  "  proper  thing,"  but 
"cups"  of  all  kinds  are  served. 

Where  men  are  invited  with  ladies  to  a  mid-day 
meal,  it  is  usually  called  a  breakfast. 

To  show  that  entertaining  need  not  be  costly  to 
be  enjoyable,  I  may  cite  the  example  of  one  im- 
pecunious hostess  who  invited  a  few 

friends  to  a  breakfast  which  her  guests  Economical 

breakfasts 
remember  with  pleasure. 

At  each  place  was  an  orange,  cut  transversely, 
the  pulp  loosened  from  the  skin,  as  grape-fruit  is 
prepared,  and  eaten  with  a  spoon.  A  spray  of 
laurel  leaves  with  each  (nearly  resembling  those 
of  the  orange)  gave  a  suggestive  touch.  A  course 
137 


ETIQUETTE     FOR      ALL     OCCASIONS 

of  egg  croquettes  followed,  made  of  chopped 
hard-boiled  eggs,  moistened  with  the  usual  white 
sauce,  seasoned  with  parsley  and  a  suspicion  of 
onion,  and  eaten  with  a  tomato  sauce. 

Chops,  with  paper  frills  and  a  border  of  potatoes 
fried  to  resemble  straws,  succeeded  the  eggs. 
After  which  a  fair  red  apple,  which  had  been  hol- 
lowed out  and  filled  with  a  mayonnaise  of  celery 
and  apple,  was  placed  at  each  cover  on  a  plate, 
with  a  lettuce  leaf  between ;  the  top  cut  off  was  re- 
placed when  the  apple  was  filled.  Cake  soaked 
in  sherry,  with  soft  custard  sauce,  and  coffee,  con- 
cluded this  simple  but  dainty  meal.  A  large 
bunch  of  young  green  leaves  formed  the  centre- 
piece of  the  table,  and  a  few  peppermints,  simple 
cakes,  and  salted  nuts  were  all  its  decoration. 

Suppers  have  the  flavor  of  forbidden  fruit  to 
some,  who  fancy  that  revengeful  good  things  will 

exact   their    penalty.      The  physicians, 
Suppers  ' 

however,  are  changing  their  minds 
somewhat,  and  often  advise  a  light  supper  for  those 
whose  minds  or  bodies  have  had  any  extra  tax 
upon  them.  Even  the  excitement  of  pleasure  may 
come  under  that  diagnosis,  and  after  theatre  or 
opera  people  are  always  hungry. 

After  a  theatre  party  a  little  supper  is  invariably 

Theatre-    given  ^  ^  has  not  been  preceded  by 

party      a  dinner,    either   at   the   house    of  the 

suppers    lady  giving  the  entertainment,  or   at  a 

restaurant  of  reputation   if  the  entertainer   be  a 

man. 

138 


LUNCHEONS,  BREAKFASTS,  SUPPERS 

At  a  private  house  the  table  is  set  and  served 
as  for  a  dinner  or  luncheon,  though  usually  with 
greater  simplicity.  Watercress  sandwiches,  finger- 
rolls  lined  with  pa"t6  de  foie  gras,  bonbons  and 
cakes,  flowers  and  fruit  are  on  the  table.  The  usual 
menu  is  oysters  on  the  half  shell,  bouillon  in  cups 
followed  by  one  entree, —  sweetbreads,  chicken  cro- 
quettes with  peas,  crab  farci,  or  lobster  a  TAmeri- 
caine,  the  last  a  culinary  triumph,  —  after  which 
birds,  cold  or  hot,  with  salad,  concluding  with  an 
ice  and  coffee.  Champagne  or  "  cup  "  of  some 
kind  is  usually  served. 

Or  a  hostess  may  offer  her  guests  a  few  oysters, 
cold  roast  chicken  with  lettuce  salad,  and  an  ice. 
Broiled  oysters,  grilled  bones,  or  mushrooms  on 
toast  (sizzling  hot),  almost  anything  appetizing, 
may  be  served  at  supper,  followed  by  fruit. 

After  a  large  theatre  party  the  many  guests  are 
often  served  at  small  tables,  each  decorated  with 
a  different  color. 

There  is  no  formal  "  pairing  "  in  proceeding  to 
the  dining-room.  Part  of  the  charm  of  the  little 
feast  consists  in  the  relaxing  of  the  superfluous  con- 
ventions. A  hostess,  however,  tries  to  place  her 
guests  at  table  with  others  than  those  with  whom 
they  have  been  sitting  at  the  theatre. 

Many  indulgent  hostesses  allow  the  men  their 
cigarettes,  while   the  ladies  remain,   if 
they  all   acquiesce.      The  objection  to     suooer 
tobacco  is  merely  personal.     Smoking 
authorizes  no  license  nor  inspires  it,  and  the  con- 


ETIQUETTE     FOR     ALL     OCCASIONS 

ventional  bar  against  it  is  fast  disappearing.  As 
for  ladies,  smoking —  a  prejudiced  opinion  is  value- 
less and  is  therefore  best  suppressed  —  but  it  is  a 
temptation  to  inveigh  against  it !  After  the  sup- 
per the  ability  of  some  one  to  sing  one  or  two 
"  coon  "  songs  or  coster  ballads  sometimes  tides 
over  an  awkward  few  moments  in  which  no  one 
seems  to  know  just  what  to  do,  and  a  little  later 
all  take  their  leave,  the  young  women  usually 
with  their  maids,  who  call  for  them. 

A  chafing-dish  supper  is  generally  a  pleasant 

informality,  and  one  consisting  of  a  Welsh  rarebit 

and  ale,  or  "golden  buck"   (a  rarebit 

ing"   with  poached    eggs   on  it)   with   lager 
dish  supper 

beer,  is  usually  much  relished.  At 
these  informal  affairs  the  servants  are  not  in  evi- 
dence. Everybody  waits  upon  everybody  else. 

For   an   elaborate   supper,  which    "gourmets" 
would  appreciate,  one  may  have  bouillon,  terrapin, 

canvas-back  ducks  (or  red-heads,  ruddy 

A  supper   ducks  or  woodcock)  with   celery  may- 

fora  _.      ,  .  \ 

"       rmets" onnaise-     Each  person  is  expected  to 

eat  a  whole  duck,  cooked  rare  and  very 
hot.  Champagne  or  burgundy  is  served,  and  the 
feast  concludes  with  a  fruit  salad,  each  individual 
portion  surmounted  by  a  tablespoonful  of  orange 
ice  garnished  with  glac6  cherries. 

The  In   English  households  the   "  supper 

English    tray  "  is  expected  as  a  matter  of  course. 

"  supper-   Cold  meat,  potato  salad,  bread  and  cheese 

with  ale  or  beer,  are  its  usual  furnishings. 

140 


LUNCHEONS,  BREAKFASTS,  SUPPERS 

Suppers  at  balls  and  dances  are  generally  served 
"  en  buffet."  A  large  table  is  set  with  flowers, 
lights,  and  many  tempting  delicacies. 

The  dining-room   is  brilliantly  lighted, 

'  '    usual  ball 

the  chairs  are  set  against  the  wall,  and     supper 

on  the  sideboard  is  a  generous  supply 

of  plates,  glasses,  cups,  and  saucers,  small  fringed 

napkins,  knives,  forks,  and  spoons. 

At  eleven  or  twelve  o'clock  the  dining-room 
doors  are  opened  or  portieres  drawn,  and  without 
further  announcement  the  guests  go  in 
and  out  as  they  please.  Several  ser- 
vants  are  in  attendance,  who  are  on  the 
alert  to  assist  the  men  in  serving  the  ladies,  see 
that  no  one  is  overlooked,  and  to  clear  away  the 
dishes  and  glasses  that  have  been  in  use. 

The  menu  may  be  as  simple  or  as  elaborate  as 
the  host  choose.  Bouillon,  oysters  served  in  any 
way  but  raw,  toothsome  preparations 

r    i    u   ,  u-    i  *.•     u   •  The  menu 

of  lobster,  chicken  timbales  or  cro- 
quettes, lobster  and  chicken  salads,  sandwiches, 
with  ices  of  various  kinds,  cakes,  and  bonbons 
compose  the  usual  ball  supper ;  but  salmon  with 
green  mayonnaise,  terrapin,  cold  birds,  game 
pates,  canvas-back  ducks,  and  boned  turkey  may 
be  added,  if  one  please.  Champagne  or  sometimes 
light  Rhine  wines,  "  cup  "  of  one  or  two  kinds, 
mineral  waters,  and  black  coffee  are  served.  In 
some  houses,  the  servants  are  instructed  to  bring 
forth  a  fresh  supply  of  hot  oysters,  cold  game,  and 
salad,  with  wines  for  the  men  who  have  ignored 
141 


ETIQUETTE     FOR     ALL     OCCASIONS 

their  own  claims  of  appetite  in  ministering  to  the 
ladies.  The  attention  is  much  appreciated  when 
opportunity  serves.  In  a  small  room,  or  some- 
where near  the  ball-room,  is  always  a  table  where 
throughout  the  evening  a  servant  dispenses  lemon- 
ade and  punch  from  large  bowls  that  are  kept 
constantly  replenished. 

At   a   small   dance,   where  the    assistance  of  a 

A  su     er  caterer  IS  not  desired,  the  supper  may 
at  an      consist  of  bouillon,  one  hot  dish,  salad, 

informal    ices,    sandwiches,   cakes,  bonbons,  and 
coffee.        Two    capable    maid-servants 
may  serve  it  acceptably. 

The  most  elegant  way  to  serve  a  ball  supper  is 
at  small  tables,  either  in  a  room  adjoining  or  near 

A  su     er  ^e  ball-room,  if  the  accommodation  is 

served  at  spacious,  or  a  corps  of  servants  with 
small  tables  marvellous  celerity  carry  a  number  of 
small  tables,  already  set,  and  distribute  them 
about  the  ball-room,  dining-room,  and  hall-way, 
if  necessary.  Each  table  is  arranged  with  lights, 
flowers,  etc.,  at  which  four  or  six  persons  may  be 
accommodated,  and  are  served  in  courses. 

The  supper  may  consist  of  oysters,  bouillon,  a 
hot  entree,  game  with  salad,  ices,  bonbons,  and 

The  menu  co^ee-  Claret  and  champagne  are  served. 
The   opportunity  is   favorable   for   the 
enjoyment  of  some  fine  selections  from  the  orches- 
tra, in  total  contrast  to  the  dance-music. 

The  supper  concluded,  the  tables  and  chairs  are 
quickly  removed,  and  the  dancing  recommences. 
142 


Chapter  Tenth  —  DINNERS 


DINNER  where  the  "  bill  of  com- 
pany "  and  the  bill-of-fare  are  both 
pleasing  has  rightly  been  called  the 
"  flower  of  hospitality,"  as  it  is  its 
most  charming  expression. 

Fashion  now  condemns  an  over-bountiful  pro- 
vision, and  the  elegance  of  an  entertainment  de- 
pends rather  upon  the  choice  of  the  viands  than 
upon  the  number  of  the  courses.  Good  taste  has 
always  put  quality  before  quantity.  The  first  rule 
to  be  observed  is  not  to  attempt  more  than  can  be 
done  well  and  with  ease. 

A  centrepiece  of  flowers,  fruit,  or  ferns,  spotless 
damask,  sparkling  silver  and  glass,  comfortable 
chairs,  a  room  not  too  warm,  a  few  dishes  well 
cooked  and  daintily  served,  however  simple,  a 
genial  host,  a  gracious  hostess,  and  pleasant  people 
furnish  an  entertainment  leaving  little  to  be 
desired. 

We  have  begun  to  recognize  that  entertainments 
are  intended  to  be  recreations,  and  several  small 

dinners   fulfil    that   requirement   better 

.,  ,  ,    ,  i  Little 

than  one  or  two  long  and  elaborate  re-    Dinners 

pasts.   It  is  also  considered  "  smarter  "  so 

to  entertain,  and  that  of  course  settles  the  matter. 


ETIQUETTE      FOR      ALL     OCCASIONS 

As  "  it  requires  a  gentleman  to  wear  a  dress- 
coat,"  so  only  people  of  native  refinement  are  able 
to  achieve  an  ideal  little  dinner,  for  nothing  must 
be  overdone.  Large  wealth  is  by  no  means  one  of 
the  essentials.  As  entertaining  becomes  elaborate 
it  provokes  envy  and  criticism,  and  is  a  thankless 
task  at  best. 

A  charming  little  dinner  may  be  given  at  a  cost 
of  not  more  than  twenty-five  dollars  for  eight  or 
ten  persons,  or  for  half  that  sum  exclusive  of  wines, 
if  a  salad  with  cheese  replace  the  game  course  ;  or 
it  may  be  a  feast  worthy  of  Lucullus  and  tax  the 
purse  of  a  Fortunatus. 

Not  the  least  among  the  qualifications  of  a  good 
hostess  is  to  know  how  to  bring  the  right  people 
together.  A  notable  French  gastrono- 

mer  &ves  as  a  ru^e  ^at  ^e  number  of 
guests  should  not  exceed  ten  persons 
nor  be  fewer  than  six.  When  the  number  is 
smaller  there  is  little  sparkle  to  the  conversation, 
and  where  there  are  many  guests  they  are  apt  to 
divide  themselves  into  groups,  and  the  gayety  that 
is  born  of  numbers  is  lost. 

Our  Frenchman  advises  a  judicious  mingling  of 
old  and  new  friends.  The  old  friends  identify 
themselves  with  their  host  and  have  a  personal 
interest  in  making  the  affair  a  success,  while  the 
presence  of  strangers  stimulates  all  wits,  and  under 
the  "  inspiration  of  a  new  audience  "  old  stones 
renew  their  youth  and  acquire  freshness  and 
interest. 

144 


DINNERS 

In  disposing  the  guests  about  the  table  the 
pleasantest  results  will  follow  if  each  person  is 
"  sandwiched  "  between  a  new  acquaintance  and  an 
old  one. 

Having  selected  our  guests,  we  should  send  the 
invitations  two  weeks  in  advance  of  the  time  set 
for   the    dinner    during   "  the    season," 
unless-  our  friends  are  persons  of  many  invitations 
engagements,  when  they  may  be  asked 
a  few  days  earlier.     The  motive  being  explained, 
that   the   early  notification    is  to  spare  ourselves 
disappointment,   our   friends  cannot  but  be    flat- 
tered.    If  we  do  not  take  this  precaution,  guests 
fail  us  and  the  whole  scheme   has  to  be  recon- 
structed. 

A  little  dinner  being  friendly  and  informal,  the 
notes  of  invitation  should  give  a  foretaste  of  these 
pleasures. 

The  usual  hour  is  at  seven  or  half  after  seven, 
and  for  a  more  ceremonious  dinner  eight 
or  half  after  eight  o'clock  is  the  fash- 
ionable hour. 

One  must  think  of  many  things,  for  nothing 
must  be  left  to  chance.  One  young  hostess  last 
winter  issued  twelve  invitations  for  a  dinner  of 
twelve,  quite  forgetting  herself  and  her  husband 
until  she  was  placing  the  name-cards.  As  plates, 
glasses,  wines,  etc.,  all  come  in  dozens,  she  was 
much  embarrassed.  The  household  of  her  parents, 
those  bankers  provided  by  nature,  fortunately  sup- 
plied all  that  she  lacked. 
10  US 


ETIQUETTE     FOR      ALL     OCCASIONS 

The  dinner  itself  is  the  next  thing  to  be  decided 

upon,  and    the  choice  of  dishes    must 
The  cook  , 

depend    upon   ones    cook    and    one  s 

pocketbook. 

In  large  cities  we  may  be  independent  of  the 
lady  who  rules  our  kitchens,  and  purchase  success 
and  the  most  serene  peace  of  mind  with  a  single 
five-dollar  bill. 

There  are  cooks  whose  business  it  is  to  prepare 
dinners  and  luncheons  at  the  houses  of  their 
patrons.  They  call  upon  the  lady  of  the  house  a 
few  days  before  the  entertainment  to  discuss  the 
menu.  The  cook  will  make  all  necessary  pur- 
chases or  give  the  lady  a  list  of  all  that  will  be 
required.  Her  technical  knowledge  often  spares 
the  hostess  considerable  expense. 

If  one  be  dependent  upon  one's  own  cook  and 
she  has  not  much  experience,  it  is  wiser  not  to 
attempt  anything  that  cannot  be  readily  accom- 
plished. To  do  herself  credit  when  under  the 
excitement  of  preparing  a  "  company  "  dinner,  it 
is  well  for  her  to  rehearse  the  "  entrees  "  once  or 
twice  for  private  family  consumption,  or  these 
may  be  sent  from  a  reliable  caterer's  and  warmed 
over  hot  water.  A  good  cook,  however,  is  an 
economy,  if  one  entertains  often. 

For  a  ceremonious  dinner  of  eighteen  covers  or 
more,  three  persons  would  be  required 

The        to  serve  it  with  elegance  and  prompt- 

scrvsints 

ness.     In  large  houses  these  would  be 
a   butler,   footman,    and    maid,   or  two    footmen. 
146 


DINNERS 


A  dinner  of  twelve  persons  may  be  well  served  by 
a  butler  and  maid  or  by  two  capable  maids.  It 
requires  an  exceptional  servant  to  do  justice  to  a 
company  of  more  than  six  persons,  unassisted. 
An  intelligent  maid  may  easily  be  taught  to 
serve  "  a  la  Russe "  (the  servant  passing  every- 
thing), which  is  at  once  the  simplest  and  most  ele- 
gant form  of  service.  When  well  trained  she  may 
serve  a  dinner  of  ten  covers  with  the  help  of  an 
assistant  who  need  only  be  agile,  quiet,  and  obedi- 
ent to  her  superior's  gesture  of  direction. 

An  extra  servant  in  the  butler's  pantry  is  almost 
a  necessity  to  insure  promptness  and  ease  in 
serving.  The  butler  wears  evening  livery,  of 
course ;  the  footmen,  full  house  livery.  The  maids 
should  wear  black  gowns  with  ample  white  aprons, 
caps,  and  broad  linen  collars  and  cuffs,  —  the 
woman's  equivalent  for  the  butler's  dress  livery. 

In  giving  small  dinners  where  ceremony  is  some- 
what relaxed,  it  is  well  to  remember  that  to  be 
well  served  when  guests  are  present,  it  is  necessary 
to  be  well  served  every  day  in  private. 

Scarcely  inferior  in  importance  to  the  other  essen- 
tials of  a  charming  dinner  are  the  setting 

r    i  it/-        i  Laying  the 

and  decoration  of  the  table,  for  the  eye      table 

must  be  pleased  as  well  as  the  palate. 

Nothing  is  prettier  than  a  round  table,  nor  is 
any  other  shape  as  conducive  to  general  and  sym- 
pathetic conversation.  It  also  obviates  the  neces- 
sity for  a  head  and  foot  at  table,  if  for  any  reason 
the  seating  of  the  guests  offer  a  difficulty.  An 


ETIQUETTE     FOR     ALL      OCCASIONS 

adjustable  round  top,  to  be  placed  on  a  table  of 
any  form,  may  be  made  by  an  ordinary  carpenter 
with  room  for  as  many  covers  as  one  please,  allow- 
ing two  and  a  half  feet  of  space  to  each.  If  made 
in  two  parts,  it  will  be  found  more  convenient  to 
handle  and  to  dispose  of  when  not  in  use. 

In  arranging  a  square  table  for  eight  persons  it 
is  well  to  seat  two  at  each  end  and  two  at  each 
side,  which  makes  the  men  and  women  alternate 
properly. 

Under  the  table-cloth,  which  should  be  of  heavy 
damask,  carefully  laundered  and  ample  enough  for 
its  four  corners  to  almost  reach  the  floor,  a  cover 
of  felt  or  very  heavy  canton  flannel  should  be  laid. 
In  the  exact  centre  of  the  table  it  is  usual  to  have 
a  centrepiece  of  lace,  embroidered  bolting  cloth  or 
linen,  upon  which  the  flowers  stand. 

Nothing  gives  so  festal  an  air  and  withal  such 

refinement  and  grace  as  flowers  in  the  centre  of  a 

table,  or  four  slender  vases  holding  a  few 

flowers  choice  blossoms  flanking  a  jardiniere  of 
delicate  ferns.  Smilax  disposed  about 
the  table,  wreathing  the  dishes  with  an  art  that 
conceals  art,  is  effective  in  decoration. 

They  of  plethoric  purses  may  have  gorgeous 
centrepieces  of  American  Beauty  roses  in  com- 
bination with  white  lilacs  or  bride  roses  with 
maidenhair  fern  and  white  orchids ;  but  any  one 
may  have  a  modest  centrepiece  of  flowers  by 
making  first  a  foundation  of  solid  green  (geranium 
slips  are  best  for  the  purpose)  and  then  introducing 
148 


DINNERS 

the  blossoms.  Every  flower  is  seen  to  advantage 
and  is  held  in  place  by  the  stout  foliage  of  the 
geranium. 

The  old  fashion  of  composing  the  flower-piece 
of  small  bouquets,  which,  after  dinner,  the  servant 
passes  on  a  tray  so  that  each  lady  may  select  her 
own,  was  a  graceful  one  and  always  welcomed  with 
pleasure.  One  rarely  sees  flowers  at  the  guests' 
places,  except  occasionally  a  long-stemmed  rose 
for  each  lady,  and  more  unfrequently  buttonhole 
bonquets  for  the  men.  These  are  sometimes  left  in 
the  men's  dressing-room. 

Candelabra  should  flank  the  centrepiece  of 
flowers  opposite  the  host  and  hostess,  and  smaller 

candlesticks    on    either   side,    or    four  „ 

The  lights 
single  ones  may  stand  at  equal  distances 

from  the  flowers  and  from  each  other,  with  or 
without  shades  —  they  are  rarely  used  in  France. 
Candles  are  conceded  to  furnish  the  most  becom- 
ing light,  but  they  should  be  sufficiently  numerous 
to  make  gas  or  electric  light  unnecessary,  which  is 
incongruous  and  inartistic  in  combination  with 
candlelight,  neutralizing  all  its  advantages.  The 
uneven  burning  of  the  candles  maybe  obviated  by 
keeping  them  on  ice  two  or  three  hours  before 
using,  and  they  should  be  lighted  long  enough 
before  dinner  to  test  their  condition.  As  candle 
shades  are  apt  to  catch  fire,  a  pair  of  sugar-tongs 
within  reach  will  be  found  convenient  with  which 
to  grasp  them  and  throw  them  harmlessly  into  the 
grate.  All  annoyances  of  the  kind  are  obviated 
149 


ETIQUETTE     FOR     ALL     OCCASIONS 

by  the  use  of  a  porcelain  candle,  containing  a  real 

one,  which  is  pushed  by  a  spiral  spring  as  it  burns. 

All  the  table  paraphernalia  should    be  placed 

with  mathematical  regularity.      Some  scheme  of 

color  is  usually  chosen   in  the  decora- 

The       tion  of  the  table,  to  which  the  flowers, 
decorations 

bonbons,  candle-shades,  and  embroi- 
dered centrepiece  conform,  but  it  is  not  now  made 
quite  so  conspicuous  as  a  few  years  ago.  Small 
dishes  of  silver,  rare  porcelain,  glass,  or  silver-gilt, 
called  "  compotiers,"  containing  fancy  cakes,  bon- 
bons, crystallized  fruits,  and  salted  nuts,  are  placed 
where  they  will  be  most  effective.  Flowers  and  all 
decorations  should  be  so  disposed  as  not  to  ob- 
struct the  view  across  the  table.  Olives,  radishes, 
and  other  hors  d'ceuvres  are  served  from  the  side 
table,  and  at  large  dinners  decanters  are  rarely  put 
upon  the  table  unless  their  elegance  is  a  reason 
for  so  doing. 

All    elaborate    folding  of    napkins    is  out    of 
fashion.    They  are  simply  laid  on  the  plates  or  at 

Arrange-   one  s^e>  folded  square  with  the  mono- 
ment  of    gram  corner  uppermost,  and  a   roll  or 

the  covers  SqUare  of  bread  two  inches  thick  within 
the  folds.  At  the  left  of  the  plate  three  silver 
forks  are  placed,  the  tines  turned  upward.  One 
has  only  to  use  them  in  succession,  beginning  with 
the  farthest  one,  and  "  eat  in,"  as  the  local  Western 
vernacular  has  it.  The  silver  knife  for  the  fish  — 
if  it  be  required  —  a  dinner  knife  and  tablespoon 
are  at  the  right. 

150 


DINNERS 

The  glasses  are  freshly  rilled  with  iced  water  but 
without  ice,  and  near  them  a  vase-shaped  glass  for 
sherry,  a  colored  one,  white  and  red  or  pale  green 
shaped  like  the  water-goblet  for  white  wine,  a 
duplicate  in  white  for  claret,  and  a  low  flaring  one 
for  champagne.  Small  tumblers  are  used  for 
mineral  waters. 

Menus  are  only  used  at  very  large,  formal  din- 
ners, and  name-cards  are  of  the  simplest,  —  plain 
cards  with  the  monogram  of  the  hostess 

or  the  family  "  arms  "  in  gilt.     Favors  Menus  and 
,     ,  name-cards 

and  elaborate  name-cards  are  used  only 

if  the  feast  be  given  to  mark  some  special  occa- 
sion or  anniversary,  when  inventive  wit  may  have 
full  play. 

Spoons  for  which  there  is  no  use  should  not  be 
scattered  about  the  table.  Individual  salts  or 
large  salt-cellars  are  used  according  to  taste  and 
preference. 

The  fashion  of  having  a  different  set  of  plates 
for  each  course  shows  no  abatement,  and  as  they 
come  at  all  prices,  the  service  need  not  be  more 
costly  than  a  whole  set  of  uniform  pattern.  If  a 
hostess  have  but  one,  two,  or  three  sets  of  choice 
plates,  they  would  be  used  for  the  fruit,  game 
course,  and  entree,  in  that  order  of  importance. 
Vegetable  and  meat  dishes  of  silver  or  plated 
ware  have  the  advantage  over  china  of  being 
unbreakable. 

A  side  table,  supplied  with  extra  knives,  forks, 
spoons,  etc.,  is  a  necessity.  Upon  this  are  also  the 
IS' 


ETIQUETTE     FOR     ALL     OCCASIONS 

finger-bowls,  until  needed,  half  filled  with  water, 
each  with  its  leaf  or  small  blossoms. 

The  service  a  la  Russe  is  accepted  as  the  sim- 
plest   and    most    elegant    in     England,     France, 
America,  and  probably  the  conventional 

Serving     cust-om  obtains  as  widely  as  fashion  in 
the  table  ; 

dress,  and  it  is  said  that  Worth  s  "  crea- 
tions "  find  their  way  to  Patagonia. 

The  dishes  are  passed  held  on  the  flat  of  the 
servant's  hand,  with  a  napkin  between,  a  large 
spoon  and  fork  in  each,  from  which  all  help  them- 
selves. A  tray  is  used  for  such  things  as  are 
merely  passed  to  a  person,  not  requiring  the 
slightest  effort  to  serve  himself. 

The  servants  begin  alternately  at  the  right  and 
left  of  the  host,  and  proceed  in  opposite  directions 
in  regular  order,  that  the  same  persons  be  not 
served  first  and  last.  At  a  dinner  of  twelve  covers 
or  more,  two  dishes  in  duplicate,  passed  simulta- 
neously the  servants,  beginning  at  different  sides 
and  opposite  ends  of  the  table,  is  at  once  the  more 
elegant  and  expeditious  manner  of  serving.  Noth- 
ing is  more  inelegant  than  for  the  servants  to  carry 
piles  of  plates  in  their  hands  and  distribute  them 
about  the  table  as  though  dealing  cards.  All 
plates  should  be  brought  and  removed  one  by 
one.  Upon  withdrawing  a  soiled  plate  a  fresh  one 
is  slipped  quietly  in  its  place,  but  not  until  all  per- 
sons have  finished.  Neither  must  one  plate  ever 
be  laid  upon  another  for  convenience  in  removal. 
This  should  be  insisted  upon.  The  plates  should 

152 


DINNERS 

be  cold  for  the  salad  and  dessert  course  and 
thoroughly  warmed  for  the  hot  dishes. 

The  servants  must  be  watchful  to  note  when 
fresh  forks  are  needed,  and  at  the  time  of  substi- 
tuting clean  plates  for  those  that  have  been  used, 
they  should  be  quietly  laid  in  place,  either  by  the 
same  servant,  or  preferably  by  the  assistant  follow- 
ing him.  It  is  excessively  bad  form  to  have  knives 
or  forks  on  a  plate  when  placing  it  before  a  person. 
Plates  and  small  silver  may  be  washed  in  the 
pantry  and  used  for  succeeding  courses. 

Empty  plates  and  those  containing  individual 
portions  are  placed  and  removed  from  the  right, 
but  everything  is  passed  to  a  person  at  his  left 
hand.  A  servant  should  never  reach  across  any 
one  in  placing  and  removing  things. 

The  oysters  are  generally  in  place  when  the 
company  assembles ;  each  plate,  containing  half  a 
dozen  oysters  with  a  bit  of  lemon,  stands  upon  a 
dinner  plate.  The  lemon  should  be  so  cut  that  the 
juice  maybe  expressed  without  soiling  the  fingers. 
The  oysters  should  be  kept  on  ice  until  the  moment 
of  their  serving.  Many  persons  now  discard  the 
custom  of  having  the  oysters  on  a  bed  of  pulver- 
ized ice,  voting  it  "  messy,"  and  bring  in  the 
oysters  after  the  company  is  seated.  In  this  case, 
and  at  small  dinners  where  soup  is  the  first  course, 
an  empty  dinner  plate  is  at  each  cover.  These 
under  plates  are  left  when  the  oyster  plates  are 
removed.  Red  pepper  and  brown-bread  sand- 
wiches are  passed  with  oysters.  The  soup  is 
153 


ETIQUETTE     FOR     ALL      OCCASIONS 

served  from  the  pantry,  the  plates  about  half  full. 
To  expedite  the  service,  the  servants  may  bring 
two  plates  of  soup  each  from  the  pantry  and  place 
them  on  a  side  table,  but  only  one  must  be  carried 
to  the  table  at  a  time  by  each.  In  removing  the 
soup-plates,  the  under  plates  are  still  left,  which 
now  come  into  requisition  for  the  hors  d'oeuvres, 
which  gives  place  in  turn  to  those  for  the  fish. 
With  the  fish  a  sauce  is  commonly  passed,  and 
sometimes  cucumbers  and  boiled  potatoes  like 
marbles. 

The  entree,  if  served  in  tiny  saucepans  or  indi- 
vidual forms,  is  placed  before  the  guests. 

The  roast  is  carved  in  the  kitchen  or  pantry, 
and  neatly  disposed  upon  the  dish.  A  single 
vegetable  accompanies  it,  or  with  a  "  filet "  a  "  jar- 
diniere "  of  several  small  vegetables  is  often  placed 
about  it  as  a  garnishing. 

The  game  follows  with  a  salad,  for  which  small 
cold  plates  are  provided  to  insure  its  crispness. 
These  plates  are  slipped  unobtrusively  into  place 
as  the  salad  is  offered,  and  withdrawn  if  it  is  re- 
fused —  not  dealt  about  the  table. 

Salted  almonds  are  passed  between  the  courses 
and  are  convenient  to  bridge  delays. 

After  the  game  the  table  is  cleared  for  the 
sweet  course.  Everything  not  required  is  re- 
moved on  a  serving-tray  covered  with  a  doily,  and 
the  crumbs  are  brushed  off. 

Ices  in  individual  forms  are  placed  before  the 
guests,  but  the  larger  forms  are  passed,  followed 


DINNER  S 

by  the  cakes.  The  finger-bowls  on  a  handsome 
plate — the  choicest  of  the  hostess's  collection  — 
with  a  doily  between,  containing  a  slice  of  lemon, 
a  geranium  leaf,  or  a  few  violets,  are  placed  before 
the  guests,  and  the  fruit  is  passed,  followed  by  the 
bonbons. 

Coffee  is  served  to  the  ladies  in  the  drawing- 
room,  and  to  the  men,  with  cigars  and  cigarettes, 
when  the  ladies  have  withdrawn.  Liqueurs  follow 
the  coffee,  but  the  subject  of  wines  will  be  con- 
sidered farther  on. 

For  the  usual  dinner,  when  guests  are  bidden, 
raw  oysters  form  the  first  course,  which,  as  spring 

advances,    are    replaced    by   little-neck  „ 

.  J  The  menu 

clams    or  fruit,   strawberries,  and   later 

melons  peaches,  etc.  Grape  fruit  sometimes  fol- 
lows or  replaces  the  oysters,  prepared  with  a  dash 
of  maraschino  or  containing  a  few  brandied 
cherries  or  a  "  mac^doine  "  of  small  fruits. 

Next  follows  the  clear  soup, —  green  turtle,  if 
preferred,  or  if  the  soup  be  made  from  beef  or 
chicken,  terrapin  sometimes  succeeds  the  soup  in 
lieu  of  fish,  which  of  course  is  next  in  order. 
After  the  fish,  one  or  two  entries.  Except  at  a 
large  dinner,  one  is  thought  sufficient,  which  is 
succeeded  by  the  roast,  which  consists  usually  of 
a  filet  of  beef,  saddle  of  mutton,  or  spring  lamb. 
If  a  single  vegetable  is  served  alone,  asparagus  or 
artichokes,  according  to  the  French  fashion,  it  is 
here  introduced.  Roman  punch  follows  at  large 
dinners.  It  is  thought  to  be  a  preparation  for 


ETIQUETTE     FOR      ALL     OCCASIONS 

the  due  appreciation  of  the  game,  which  comes 
next,  with  salad. 

A  mayonnaise  of  celery  is  considered  to  be  the 
best  accompaniment  to  wild  ducks  and  birds  with 
dark  flesh,  and  lettuce  salad  with  plain  French 
dressing  goes  best  with  partridge,  quail,  or  any 
game  or  poultry  with  white  meat. 

In  the  spring,  when  game  is  hard  to  procure, 
broiled  young  chickens  replace  it  very  acceptably, 
and  a  tomato  salad  with  it  gives  just  the  right 
piquancy. 

Some  persons  serve  cheese  after  the  game,  with 
toasted  biscuits,  and  celery  with  Brie  or  Camembert 
With  Bondon  or  cream  cheese,  the  Bar-le-duc 
conserve  of  currants  is  much  appreciated. 

Next  comes  the  sweet  course,  —  in  America 
understood  almost  universally  to  be  an  ice  in  some 
delectable  form.  Cakes,  bonbons,  fruit,  etc.,  with 
coffee  and  liqueurs,  conclude  the  repast. 

The  order  of  service  for  the  wines  which 
The  wines  .  ...  .  .  .... 

is  most  widely  accepted  is  as  follows :  — 

White  wine  is  served  with  the  oysters,  sherry 
with  the  soup.  The  glasses  are  replenished  with 
white  wine  when  the  fish  is  served.  Claret  is  best 
with  the  roast,  and  champagne  is  opened  at  the 
game  course,  though  some  persons  serve  the  latter 
wine  all  through  the  dinner  after  the  soup.  When 
this  is  once  opened  the  glasses  are  never  allowed 
to  be  empty  unless  at  the  intimation  of  the  wish 
of  the  guest. 

Some  "  bon-vivants  "  have  very  thin  glasses  placed 
156 


DINNERS 

upon  the  table  at  the  time  of  serving  the  game,  if 
wild  ducks  supply  that  course,  and  commend  to 
their  friends  some  fine  old  burgundy,  but  the  cus- 
tom of  drinking  many  wines  is  rapidly  going  out 
of  fashion  and  favor.  Champagne  or  burgundy  is 
preferred  with  terrapin. 

The  servant  before  pouring  the  wines  sometimes 
mentions  what  they  are,  to  give  one  the  option  of 
accepting  or  refusing  them.  This,  of  course,  when 
a  choice  of  two  wines  is  offered. 

Usually  two  kinds  of  liqueur — maraschino, 
green  mint,  fine  brandy,  or  others  —  are  passed  on 
a  tray  in  cordial  decanters,  with  small  glasses  to 
match,  and  the  butler  or  maid  pours  the  liqueur 
into  the  glasses,  after  hearing  what  each  one  pre- 
fers. Commonly  only  green  mint  in  tiny  glasses 
filled  with  pulverized  ice,  and  occasionally  mares- 
chino,  is  offered  to  the  ladies  in  the  drawing-room. 
Later,  effervescent  waters  in  glasses  freshly  filled 
are  passed  to  them. 

Champagne  should  be  kept  in  a  bucket  of  ice 
and  salt  in  the  pantry  for  an  hour  before  serv- 
ing, then  the  bottles  are  wrapped  about  with  a 
napkin  to  absorb  the  moisture.  Ice  is  never  put 
into  the  champagne  glasses.  White  wine  should 
be  kept  cold  in  the  ice-chest,  but  clarets  and  bur- 
gundies are  preferred  slightly  warm  or  of  the  tem- 
perature of  the  room. 

Sherry  and  claret  are  generally  decanted.  Cham- 
pagne and  white  wine  are  always  poured  from  the 
bottle. 

157 


ETIQUETTE     FOR     ALL     OCCASIONS 

The  custom  of  pouring  a  few  drops  of  wine  from 
the  bottle  into  the  host's  glass  lest  there  be  bits  of 
cork  is  a  time-honored  observance  of  courtesy, 
now  not  always  insisted  upon. 

At   small  dinners   sherry   and  claret,  or  claret 

Wines  at   alone,    are   thought  to   furnish   all   the 

small      wines   that    are    necessary;     but   for   a 

dinners  djnner  of  eight  persons  either  white 
wine,  champagne,  or  both  are  not  infrequently 
added. 

Music  is  rarely  heard  in  these  days  during  the 
service  of  a  private  dinner.  When  it  is  desired, 

only  stringed  instruments  are  admissible, 
The  music  ..  11,, 

and  the  performers  should  be  stationed 

far  enough  from  the  dining-room  for  the  music  to 
be  no  interruption  to  the  conversation.  Any- 
thing sufficiently  fine  to  challenge  keen  apprecia- 
tion would  better  be  deferred  for  the  entertainment 
of  the  guests  after  the  dinner. 

The  dining-room,  to  be  comfortable  later,  should 
be  freshly  aired  and  cool.  The  hostess,  having 
written  out  her  menu  and  full  directions 
^or  t^ie  service  °f  plates,  etc.,  for  the 
instruction  of  her  servants,  providing 
against  every  contingency,  having  herself  placed 
the  name-cards  which  she  has  written  to  indicate 
the  places  at  table  —  should  be  ready  fifteen  min- 
utes before  the  arrival  of  her  guests,  and  await  them 
in  the  drawing-room,  serene  and  self-possessed. 
This  gives  her  maid  time  to  arrange  that  lady's 
room,  so  that  if  it  be  used  for  the  guests'  dressing- 
158 


DINNERS 

room,  it  may  be  faultlessly  neat.     A  maid  should 
be  there  to  assist  the  ladies  when  they  shall  arrive. 

There  is  only  one  thing  worse  for  a  guest  than 
to  be  too  late  for  a  dinner,  and  that  is  to  be  too 
early.  Nothing  is  more  upsetting  to  a  hostess,  but 
if  she  be  ready  in  good  time  she  is  prepared  for 
whatever  may  arise,  and  does  not  lose  the  repose 
of  manner  that  is  so  essential.  A  lady  once  jest- 
ingly told  of  a  dinner  where  the  first  course  was 
"  hot  hostess  "  ! 

The  host  should  be  present  with  his  wife  in  the 
drawing-room   to    assist   in    receiving   the  guests. 
Where  there   are  daughters  or  visitors       The 
stopping  at  the  house,  who  are  to  be  at  arrival  of 
the  dinner,  they  too  should  be  there.        the  guests 

Upon  the  arrival  of  the  guests  the  servant  opens 
the  door  anticipating  a  summons,  and  directs  them 
where  to  find  the  dressing-rooms.  He  presents  to 
each  gentleman  a  salver  upon  which  he  finds  a 
tiny  envelope  addressed  to  him,  containing  a  card 
with  the  name  of  the  lady  whom  he  is  to  take 
in  to  dinner,  and  R  or  L  in  one  corner  to  indi- 
cate the  right  or  left  of  the  table  at  which  they 
are  to  sit. 

The  servant  announces  the  names  of  the  guests 
as  they  enter  the  drawing-room,  except  at  small 
informal  dinners.  Every  one  should  feel  punctu- 
ality to  be  an  obligation.  Fifteen  minutes  is  allowed 
for  all  to  assemble. 

An  additional   fifteen    minutes'    grace    may    be 
conceded  for  a  belated  guest,  after  which  in  justice 
l$9 


ETIQUETTE  FOR  ALL  OCCASIONS 

to  the  rest  of  the  company  the  hostess  should  ring 
for  the  dinner  to  be  served,  —  the  signal 

he  tar  y  uncjerstOod  by  the  butler  in  case  of  any 
guest  J 

one  lacking  of  the  number  indicated  by 

the  covers  at  table. 

Upon  the  appearance  of  the  tardy  guest,  it  is 
explained  to  him  that  doubtless  he  would  have 
preferred  for  them  not  to  wait  longer,  —  which 
would  be  true  of  a  well-bred  man. 

The  dinner  is  announced  by  the  appearance  of 
the  butler  or  maid,  who  silently  draws  aside  the 
The    r  -  Porti£res  or  murmurs  the  time-honored 
cession  to  formula,  "  Madam  is  served." 
the  dining-      The  host  gives  his  right  arm  to  the 
lady  whom    he  wishes  most  to  distin- 
guish, and  leads  the  way  into  the  dining-room ;  the 
rest  follow  arm  in  arm,  and  the  hostess  brings  up 
the  rear  with  the  man  whom  she  may  seat  either 
at  her  right  or  left  hand. 

It  is   not  obligatory  for  the  most  distinguished 
masculine  guest  to  escort  the  hostess  into  the  din- 
ing-room ;    he  will  sit    at  her  right  at 
the^uests  table,  ^ut  °ften  escorts  the  lady  into  the 
room  who  is  to  sit  at  his  right.     This 
enables  the  hostess  to  show  attention  to  two  men. 
The  woman  on  the  host's  left  is  next  in  importance 
to  her  upon  his  right.      With  these    exceptions 
there  is  no  difference  in  the  degree  of  attention. 
When,  for  any  reason,  an  extra  lady  is  present,  the 
hostess  would  walk  into  the  room  with  her. 

The  host  should  sit  at  the  farther  end  of  the 
1 60 


D  INNERS 


table,  so  that  when  the  hostess  enters  the  room  she 
finds  her  place  near  the  door  and  does  not  have 
to  pass  those  who  have  preceded  her.  The 
butler  or  waitress  stands  behind  her  chair.  When 
all  have  assembled,  the  gentlemen  assist  in  seating 
the  ladies,  before  they  take  their  places.  None 
wait  for  the  others.  Once  seated,  the  hostess 
should  appear  as  a  guest  at  her  own  table,  leav- 
ing all  responsibility  to  the  servants. 

It  is  not  customary  to  say  "  grace  "  at "  company  " 
dinners,    unless   there    is    a   clergyman 
present,  when  he  should  be  asked  to  offer 
the  thanksgiving,  which  should  be  brief. 

The  women  remove  their  gloves  and  lay  them 
in  their  laps.  The  habit  of  tucking  them  in  at 
the  wrists,  or,  worse,  placing  them  in  a  wineglass, 
is  inelegant.  The  napkin  is  unfolded  to  half  its 
amplitude  and  laid  across  the  lap. 

If  one  does  not  take  wine,  a  gesture  of  dissent 
will  be  understood.  In  refusing  a  dish,  one  says 
merely,  "  Thank  you,"  making  no  effort  to  help 
one's  self. 

In  the  hands  of  the  hostess  usually  lies  the  re- 
sponsibility of  setting  the  conversational  ball  rolling, 
and  she  should  give  flattering  attention 

to  all  others.    A  guest  should  say  a  few    Conver~ 

'  sation 

words  to  each  neighbor  at  the  earliest 

opportunity,  whether  previously  presented  or  not. 
The  most  popular  hostesses  are  those  who,  self- 
forgetting,  seek  to  call   forth  the  best  points  of 
their  guests.      To   quote   one   charming   woman, 
u  161 


ETIQUETTE     FOR     ALL     OCCASIONS 

"  It  is  not  necessary  to  be  wise,  it  is  only  necessary 
to  please,"  which  sums  up  the  best  philosophy  of 
the  sex. 

At  a  glance  from  the  hostess,  who  must  not  in- 
terrupt any  specially  absorbing  conversation,  the 
When  the  ladies   rise,    leaving   their    napkins    un- 

ladies      folded  on  the  table,  or  letting  them  fall 
withdraw  to   the   floor        The   men    ajso    rjse    and 

remain  standing  until  the  ladies  pass  out,  the  one 
nearest  the  doorway  holding  the  portieres  aside 
for  them.  Or,  the  gentlemen  accompany  them  to 
the  drawing-room,  seat  them,  bow  and  return  to 
the  dining-room  and  enjoy  coffee  and  cigars  in 
each  other's  company  for  a  brief  half-hour  or  less. 
Here  they  usually  change  their  seats  and  draw  up 
sociably  near  their  host.  Servants  pass  cigars  and 
cigarettes  with  a  small  alcohol  lamp  or  tiny  candle 
in  a  holder.  Ash  trays  are  placed  conveniently 
near,  and  the  decanters  pass  from  hand  to  hand, 
the  host  hospitably  taking  the  initiative.  The 
ladies  in  the  drawing-room  chat  over  their  coffee. 
They  resume  their  gloves  or  not,  as  they  please. 

A  dinner  should  not  last  more  than  an  hour  and 
a  half,  and  an  hour  or  less  after  the  men  have  re- 
joined the  ladies  the  guests  should  take 

leaveg  their  ^eave»  um>ess  music,  dancing,  or 
some  special  entertainment  detain  them, 
and  express  in  a  few  cordial  words  to  host  and 
hostess  their  appreciation  of  the  hospitality. 

Of  such  guests  as  happen  to  be  near,  to  whom 
one  has  been  presented,  it  is  usual  to  take  leave, 
162 


DINNERS 

but  to  others  one  need  but  bow  and  smile  adieu  if 
they  happen  to  catch  one's  eye. 

If  there  has  been  any  one  present  specially  dis- 
tinguished, the  woman  guest  of  honor  is  the  first 
to  take  her  departure.  Of  course,  the  woman,  not 
the  man,  is  the  one  who  always  gives  the  signal  to 
take  leave. 

When  the  guests  are  leaving  the  house,  the  butler 
or  maid  stands  ready  to  open  the  door,  assist  the 
gentlemen  with  their  coats,  and  call  the  carriages. 

Some  one  has  aptly  said,  "  Little  din-        An 
ners  make  people  friends."     They  are    informal 
universally  regarded  as  the  pleasantest       Iittle 
of  social  functions. 

The  general  principles  of  serving  are  the  same 
for  a  small  as  for  a  large  dinner,  the  shorter  and 
simpler  menu  marking  the  chief  difference. 

The  table  has  its  centrepiece  of  growing  ferns  or 
fruit,  artistically  arranged  with  leaves,  if  flowers 
are  not  available.  Two  or  four  candlesticks  with 
wax  candles  or  dinner  lamps  (these,  mere  lamp 
bowls  set  in  the  sockets  of  candlesticks)  covered 
with  pretty  shades,  four  compotiers  of  glass,  china, 
or  silver,  holding  a  few  bonbons,  small  fancy  cakes, 
olives,  and  radishes  or  celery,  and  a  decanter  of 
claret  and  one  of  sherry  sufficiently  ornament  the 
table. 

A  few  oysters,  soup,  a  fish,  one  entre'e,  a  roast, 
salad  with  a  bit  of  cheese,  an  ice,  fruit,  and  a  cup  of 
good  coffee  make  a  dinner  good  enough  to  "  set  be- 
fore a  king."   A  glass  of  sherry  with  the  soup  and  a 
163 


ETIQUETTE     FOR      ALL      OCCASIONS 

sound  claret  with  the  roast  are  all  that  are  required 
for  a  little  dinner,  and  for  those  whose  principles 
forbid  the  indulgence,  effervescent  waters  make 
excellent  substitutes.  Butter  is  never  served  at 
dinner,  except  occasionally  with  crackers  and 
cheese,  unless  at  a  family  meal  with  corn  or  sweet 
potatoes. 

For  a  simple  repast  among  friends,  soup,  a  fine 

roast   carefully   selected,   with   two  vegetables,  a 

A  plain     well-dressed  salad,  a  sweet  course,  and 

dinner     unexceptionable   coffee,    amply  suffice. 


among     The  hostess  sometimes  serves  the  soup 

intimates  .  „  .      .  .  , 

and      sweet,     and   the  roast  is  carved 

on  the  table. 

Plates  should  never  be  piled  before  them,  — 
boarding-house  style.  A  single  plate  is  placed  be- 
fore host  or  hostess,  which,  when  supplied,  the 
servant  withdraws,  instantly  replacing  it  with  a 
clean  one,  and  carrying  the  first  to  its  destination. 
The  ladies  are  served  first.  The  vegetables  are 
passed  from  the  side  table,  and  there  kept  covered. 

The  special  rules  of  serving  such  a  dinner  will 
be  found  in  the  chapter  which  considers  the 
"  Family  Table."  Nothing  can  simulate  the  ease 
that  comes  of  habit. 

When  a  man  gives  a  "  stag  dinner  "  to  his  friends, 

the  conventional  observance  is  for  the  hostess  to 

receive  the  guests  with  the  host  in  the 

J.stag,,  drawing-room,  waiting  there  until  all  are 
dinner  " 

assembled  and  the  dinner  announced,  and 
then  withdrawing  with  a  few  words  conveying  pleas- 
164 


DINNERS 

ant  wishes.  No  better  menu  could  be  offered  them 
than  raw  oysters,  a  clear  soup,  terrapin,  canvas-back 
or  red-head  duck  with  celery  salad,  a  fruit  salad, 
and  a  cup  of  Turkish  coffee.  Each  person  is  ex- 
pected to  eat  a  whole  duck,  which  is  cooked  rare 
and  served  red  hot.  Sherry  with  the  soup,  madeira 
or  sherry  with  the  terrapin,  and  burgundy  or 
champagne  should  be  served  with  the  ducks.  If 
this  is  too  costly  a  feast,  planked  shad,  bass,  or 
lobster  may  replace  the  terrapin,  and  any  other 
game  served  instead  of  the  canvas-backs,  after  a 
roast.  A  boutonniere  may  be  at  each  place,  and 
choice  cigars  are  "de  rigueur." 


165 


Chapter    Eleventh  —  BALLS    AND 
DANCES 

I  HE  gladness  of  young  hearts  and  the 
^lightness  of  young  feet  have  by 
'some  instinct  found  expression  and 
gratification  in  dancing  throughout 
the  ages,  and,  on  the  principle  that  a 
rule  works  both  ways,  a  dance  seems  always  a 
scene  of  light-hearted  gayety. 

That  it  may  be  all  that  it  seems  is  more  depend- 
ent upon  the  good-breeding  of  hosts  and  guests, 
upon  mutual  consideration,  unselfishness,  and  cour- 
tesy, than  might  be  supposed  without  reflection. 

To  know  too  what  is  expected  of  one  goes  far 
towards  relieving  a  guest  of  self-consciousness,  and 
the  ease  acquired  from  habitual  following  of  the 
usages  of  polite  society  rids  one  of  embarrassment 
and  leaves  one  free  to  enjoy  one's  self. 

Mr.  Ward  McAllister  averred  that  when  he 
limited  New  York's  socially  elect  to  four  hundred, 
he  meant  "  those  who  were  at  ease  in  a  ball-room," 
The  discrimination  barred  out  many  charming 
people,  but  he  found  but  those  few  who  were  at 
home  in  the  city's  gayest  scenes. 

The  man   who   taught  New  Yorkers  to  dance 
when  the  century  was  just  out  of  its  teens  was  old 
John  Charriaud, "  fiddle  "  in  hand,  who  gave  yearly 
166 


BALLS     AND     DANCES 

what  he  called  "Publicks."  Although  none  but 
his  pupils  and  their  parents  were  admitted,  they 
were  the  first  balls  of  note  since  the  English  occu- 
pation. From  that  time  the  city  has  never  been 
without  its  grand  balls  every  season. 

The  present  etiquette  of  the  ball-room  may  be 
best   formulated,    perhaps,    after   the  usages  that 
obtain  at  the  "  Assemblies "  and  other  Ball-room 
fashionable  subscription  dances.     They  etiquette  as 

are  especially  representative  of  our  con-   observed 

J    .  .     ,        ,  at  the 

temporary  society,  since  it  has  become  ««Assem_ 

the  custom  to  give  large  private  dances  blies  "  and 
at  assembly  rooms  in  some  favorite  hotel  larse  Pri- 
or  restaurant,  when  the  accommodation vs 
for  guests  would  exceed  the  capacity  of  the  hostess's 
own  drawing-room.     These  private  balls  are  con- 
ducted   in   the   same   manner  as  the  subscription 
dances,  so  what  is  said  of  one  will  apply  to   all. 

An  awning  and  carpet  extend  from   prepara_ 
the  street  to  the  house  door.     A  man  tion  for  the 
in  footman's  livery   opens  the  carriage 
doors,  and  gives  to  the  guests  and  their 
coachmen  duplicate  checks,  whereon  are 
numbers   by  which  the   carriages    may   be   sum- 
moned when  wanted. 

The  entrance  door  is  opened  by  a  man  in  butler's 
livery,  who  directs  the  guests  to  the  cloak  rooms, 
where  the  ladies  remove  their  wraps,  leaving  them 
in  charge  of  maids  who  number  each  parcel,  giving 
a  duplicate  number-check  to  its  owner.  There  is 
a  gentlemen's  dressing-room  as  well,  where  one  or 
167 


ETIQUETTE     FOR     ALL     OCCASIONS 

two  valets  perform  a  like  service  for  the  masculine 
guests.  Here  they  usually  find  cigars,  cigarettes, 
brandy,  and  soda,  or  other  effervescent  waters, 
unless  a  smoking-room  is  set  apart  for  them.  The 
ventilation  of  the  ball-rooms  should  be  carefully 
looked  to.  If  dance  programmes  are  to  be  used, 
the  guests  find  them  either  in  the  dressing-rooms 
or  accept  them  from  a  tray  tendered  by  a  servant 
just  outside  the  ball-room  door. 

Ladies  meet  their  escorts  at  the  head  or  foot  of 

the  staircase   and   go  together  to  the  ball-room. 

The  recep-  They  never  enter  arm  in  arm ;  the  lady 

tion  of  the  goes  first,  a  step  in  advance,  after  their 

guests  names  have  been  announced  at  the 
door  very  clearly  and  distinctly  by  a  man  in 
evening  livery. 

Some  hostesses  omit  the  announcement  of  the 
guests. 

The  hostess  offers  her  hand  to  every  one  in 
cordial  welcome,  and  says  a  few  words  expressive 
of  gratification.  If  she  is  the  mother  of  daughters, 
they  may  assist  her  in  receiving,  standing  at  her 
left.  A  debutante  always  stands  by  her  mother, 
if  the  dance  is  in  her  honor,  and  is  presented  to 
such  of  the  guests  as  are  unknown  to  her. 

When  the  dancing  begins,  the  young  hostesses 
fulfil  their  promised  obligations  and  return  be- 
tween dances  to  their  mother's  side  during  the 
arrival  of  the  guests.  A  hostess  fond  of  dancing 
defers  the  pleasure  until  late  in  the  evening,  and 
remains  at  her  post. 

168 


BALLS     AND     DANCES 

If  the  hostess  has  no  daughters,  she  usually  asks 
one,  two,  or  three  friends  to  aid  her  in  welcoming 
her  guests,  to  whom  she,  of  course,  presents  all 
comers. 

The  host  may  consult  his  own  preference  about 
receiving  or  not  receiving  with  his  wife. 

There  seems  a  general  anxiety  to  arrive  as  late 
as   possible.     As   the  saying  is,    "  Nobody   goes 
until  every  one  is  there,"  but  from  ten 
to  half  after  ten,  the  stately  rooms  begin     begjns 
to  fill,   the    new  arrivals  keeping   cau- 
tiously near  the  doorways.      The  chaperons  and 
their  charges  find  places  on  the  sofas  or  chairs 
lining  the  walls,  and  the  young  men  crowding  about 
them  secure   dancing   engagements.     There   is  a 
sound  of  many  voices  repeating  the  same  formulae. 
Groups  of  people  congregate  together,  and  then 
suddenly  disperse  in  couples,  as  the  music  strikes 
up,  and  the  ball  begins. 

A  full  string  orchestra  is  usually  stationed  be- 
hind a  screen  of  plants  or  in  a  balcony  at  a  large 
dance.     The  selections  should  please  by  The  music 
their  vivacity  and   variety  and   include     and  the 
the  popular  favorites  of  the  hour.     The       floor 
music  begins  upon  the  arrival  of  the  first  guest. 
The  floor  should  be  even,  carefully  waxed,  but  not 
too  slippery. 

The  first  part  of  the  evening  is  es- 
pecially  devoted   to    making   introduc- 
tions.    Following  strict  etiquette,  a  man 
desiring  to  know  a  lady  should   first  seek  presen- 
169 


ETIQUETTE     FOR     ALL     OCCASIONS 

tation  to  her  husband,  father,  or  chaperon,  and 
through  one  of  these  be  introduced  to  the  lady  her- 
self. When  a  man  is  presented  to  a  young  woman, 
he  usually  asks  her  to  dance  almost  at  once. 

A  girl  who  has  not  come  with  her  mother  is 
generally  under  the  chaperonage  of  some  married 
woman,  who  exerts  herself  to  give  her  charge 
a  pleasant  time.  The  young  men  who  are  under 
obligations  to  her  for  dinners,  opera,  theatre,  or 
house  parties  come  to  pay  their  respects  and  are 
presented  to  her  protegee. 

If  a  girl  is  attractive,  the  men  flock  around  the 
chaperon  with  that  object  in  view.  Men  are  much 
like  sheep,  —  where  one  leads,  the  rest  follow.  An 
operetta,  once  popular,  called  "  The  Loan  of  a 
Lover,"  was  founded  on  this  propensity. 

The  young  people  ,are  all  anxious  to  make 
acquaintances  before  the  cotillion  begins,  since  the 
pleasure  of  that  dance  depends  upon  having  many 
partners.  A  man,  if  he  is  well  bred,  will  not  be 
entirely  absorbed  in  his  own  enjoyment,  but  keep 
his  eyes  about  him  and  see  where  he  may  make 
himself  useful. 

A  good  hostess  is  absolutely  self-forgetful.    She 

welcomes   each   arrival   with   a    cordiality  which 

conveys  the   assurance   of  a   personal 

of  the      interest  and  gratification.     She  singles 

hostess  and  out  the  shy  and  diffident,  and  puts  them 

her  family  at  the;r  ease  by  tactful  attentions.     She 

notes  the  girls  who  have  no  partners  and  supplies 

the  deficiency  without  wounding  their   "  amour- 

170 


BALLS     AND     DANCES 


propre,"  by  appearing  to  have  observed  their  lone 
condition,  and  wins  the  young  men  to  do  her 
bidding  by  so  graciously  asking  a  favor  that  she 
seems  to  be  conferring  one. 

Not  alone  the  hostess,  but  the  host,  the  sons 
and  daughters  of  the  house  should  exert  them- 
selves to  bring  the  young  people  together,  and 
devote  special  attention  to  those  guests  who  are 
overlooked  by  others.  If  they  do  their  duty,  there 
will  be  no  crowd  of  idle  men  lounging  near  the 
doorways,  no  "  wallflowers "  sitting  with  heavy 
hearts  and  smiling  lips,  while  others  are  whirling 
by  and  tasting  all  the  joys  that  maidens  covet. 
A  hostess  keenly  observant  and  tactful  may  by 
a  little  manoeuvring  insure  a  pleasant  evening  to 
every  one  present. 

If  the  hostess  of  the  occasion  has  borrowed  the 
visiting-list  of  some  intimate  friend,  whose  cards 
have  been  enclosed  in  the  invitations, 

The 

she  should  ask  the  lady  who  stands  her  hostess  of 
sponsor  to  receive  with  her  and  present  borrowed 
her  to  the  guests.     This  means  is  occa-  acquaint- 
sionally  resorted  to  when  a  daughter  is 
to  be  introduced  to  society  or  some  distinguished 
stranger  entertained. 

The  two-step,  the  waltz,  and  an  occasional  set  of 
Lancers  are  favored  to  the  exclusion  of  all  other 

dances  until   the  cotillion  begins.     As  „, 

.  The  dances 

dancing    is    the  object    and    reason    ot 

the  assemblage,  every  one  is  expected  to  enjoy  and 
take  part  in  it. 

171 


ETIQUETTE     FOR     ALL     OCCASIONS 

In  the  early  part  of  the  evening  a  man  should 
ask  the  privilege  of  a  dance  with  his  hostess  or  her 
daughters  and  those  who  are  assisting  them  in  re- 
ceiving, and  then  proceed  to  ask  others,  writing 
his  name  on  their  cards  or  programmes  opposite 
the  dances  accorded  and  registering  the  ladies' 
names  on  his  own.  Where  dance  programmes  are 
not  used,  a  man  merely  says  in  the  conventional 
phrase,  "  May  I  have  the  pleasure  of  this  dance?  " 
or  more  commonly,  "  May  I  have  the  next  waltz, 

Miss ?"      Cut-and-dried    phrases    are    going 

out  of  fashion,   with   sometimes   a   little    loss  to 
courtesy.     The  manner  should  therefore  supply  it. 

The  lady  accepts  with  a  gracious  bow  and  smile, 
and  rises  at  once  if  the  dance  is  in  progress  or 
about  to  begin.  If  the  invitation  is  for  a  future 
number,  she  may  say,  "  Thank  you,  I  shall  be  very 
glad,"  in  a  tone  that  is  cordial  but  not  effusive. 
She  can  hardly  refuse  unless  her  programme  is 
full,  but  may  plead  fatigue. 

A  girl  must  not  refuse  to  dance  with  one  man 
under  some  pretext  and  then  dance  with  another, 
—  though  she  may  walk  or  talk  with  him,  —  neither 
should  she  dance  with  the  same  man  oftener  than 
two  or  three  times,  unless  she  is  willing  to  adver- 
tise her  preference.  A  man  should  be  prompt  in 
claiming  the  dances  promised  him.  It  is  an  un- 
pardonable rudeness  not  to  appear  as  soon  as  the 
music  strikes  up.  Every  man  says  on  the  occa- 
sion, "  This  is  our  dance,  I  believe."  Originality 
is  conspicuous  by  its  absence.  We  no  longer 
172  v 


BALLS     AND     DANCES 


hear  of  objections  to  round  dances.  The  conven- 
tionality and  publicity  of  the  attitudes  extract  the 
poison,  where  any  exists,  and  we  have  come  to  the 
conviction  that  there  is  impropriety  in  the  sugges- 
tion of  impropriety.  Men  and  maidens  must  be 
careful  to  remember  their  dancing  engagements 
and  be  most  honorable  in  their  discharge. 

Some  persons  never  seem  to  be  overheated  or 
out  of  breath,  pant  more  than  is  correct,  or  blush 
more  than  is  becoming.  They  have  a  knack  of 
talking  to  their  partners  in  level  tones  while  whirl- 
ing with  perfect  ease  in  perfect  time, — the  men 
without  laboring,  the  women  swaying,  gracefully 
pliant  and  responsive  to  every  movement  of  their 
cavaliers.  Physicians  say  that  this  ease  of  motion 
may  be  attained  by  any  one  who  will  allow  his 
body  to  work  automatically,  after  being  well 
trained  and  if  kept  in  practice.  If  a  man  can- 
not "  reverse  "  with  ease,  or  finds  his  partner  un- 
responsive to  his  effort  to  guide  her  in  that 
direction,  he  would  show  wisdom  in  keeping  out 
of  the  vortex  as  much  as  possible,  seeking  quieter 
parts  of  the  room.  People  of  any  age  may  walk 
through  a  set  of  Lancers  without  loss  of  dignity. 
It  is  always  the  lady's  prerogative  to  stop  dancing. 
The  man  should  acquiesce,  releasing  her  at  once, 
and  thank  her  for  the  pleasure  accorded  him. 

When  a  man  has  an  awkward  manner 
,.    ,     ,  ..         ,  .  ,  «      •   i  Position  in 

of    holding  his   partner,   the  provincial    dancjne 

stands  confessed.     The  proper  position 

is  for  him  to  place  his  arm   half-way  about  her 


ETIQUETTE     FOR      ALL     OCCASIONS 

waist  to  support  and  guide  her,  his  hand  coming 
at  the  middle  of  her  back  near  her  waist.  He 
takes  her  right  hand  in  his  left,  —  hers  uppermost, 
his  elbow  slightly  bent,  —  and  holds  it  on  a  level 
with  her  shoulder  or  a  little  lower.  . 

The  lady's  right  arm  is  almost  straight,  her  left 
hand  is  placed  on  her  partner's  shoulder  or  on  his 
arm  just  below  it. 

If  a  man  hold  a  girl  too  tightly,  she  should  drop 
her  hand  from  his  shoulder  so  as  to  bring  it  be- 
tween her  partner  and  herself.  If  he  does  not 
take  this  hint,  let  her  stop  dancing  at  once,  under 
some  pretext  so  evident  that  he  may  realize  her 
displeasure  or  disapproval. 

A  letter  written  by  a  Parisian  lady  to  her  friend 
in  Germany  in  1803  says:  "  Your  German  valse 
does  not  make  much  headway  here,  the  mamas 
taking  exception  to  the  attitude.  So  a  compromise 
has  been  made  by  giving  two  ladies  to  each  gentle- 
man or  two  gentlemen  to  the  lady,  thus  preventing 
the  dangerous  t£te-a-tete  and  the  unseemly  arm 
about  the  waist !  And  mama  is  reassured." 

The  pauses  between  dances  are  filled  by  conver- 
sation, promenading,  introductions,  and  making 

dancing  engagements.     At  public  balls 
Between  ,        .,  , 

the  dances  a    voung  woman  should  return  to    her 

chaperon  after  every  dance.  At  a  pri- 
vate dance  or  a  subscription  ball  she  has  more 
latitude  conceded  her.  After  dancing  with  her 
and  walking  about  the  rooms  a  little,  offering  for 
her  refreshment  a  glass  of  lemonade  or  sitting 


BALLS     AND     DANCES 


awhile  to  enjoy  cooler  air  than  the  ball-room  can 
offer  (provided  the  place  chosen  is  not  a  secluded 
one  or  on  the  stairway),  a  man  may  take  a  girl 
back  to  her  chaperon  and  plead  another  engage- 
ment. The  suggestion,  however,  comes  better 
from  her  that  he  take  her  to  her  place  near  her 
mother  or  chaperon,  at  least  as  soon  as  the  music 
strikes  up  for  the  next  dance.  If  neither  is  en- 
gaged for  it  and  no  one  comes  to  ask  her  to  dance, 
the  situation  may  grow  difficult  —  if  there  is 
neither  mother  nor  chaperon  —  and  a  girl  is  some- 
time, at  a  loss  to  intimate  to  her  partner  how  he 
may  be  rid  of  her. 

One  bright  girl  in  her  first  season  solved  the 

difficulty  by  asking  her  partner  if  he  knew  Miss 

opposite,  and  suggested  that  he  be  presented. 

This  was  done.  Miss introduced  her  partner 

in  turn,  the  four  made  a  new  combination,  and  the 
situation  was  saved ! 

When  a  girl  sees  no  way  to  relieve  a  man  of  her 
society,  her  only  course  is  to  conceal  all  anxiety, 
make  herself  as  agreeable  as  possible,  or  frankly 
acknowledge  the  situation  and  laugh  over  it  with 
him.  If  he  sees  her  eyes  seeking  nervously  for 
some  deliverer,  he  also  feels  embarrassed,  both  are 
ill  at  ease,  and  he  will  avoid  her  in  the  future,  — 
not  because  she  was  forced  upon  him  longer  than 
he  wished,  but  because  he  associates  an  uncom- 
fortable time  with  her. 

The  position  is  one  in  which  no  young  girl 
should  be  placed,  and  is  the  unacknowledged  rea- 


ETIQUETTE     FOR      ALL      OCCASIONS 

son  why  in  the  dressing-room  the  girls  confide  to 
one  another  that  they  are  "  frightened  to  death." 

I  would  here  enter  a  plea  for  chaperons  which, 

at  any  ball  given  elsewhere  than  in  a  private  house, 

should  be  considered  absolutely  neces- 

Chaperon-  sary      jf  there  be  no  room  for  them*  the 

AffC 

hostess  should  have  many  assistants, 
who  recognize  their  responsibility  to  represent 
her. 

A  hostess,  regardful  of  proper  etiquette,  when 
giving  a  large  ball  outside  of  her  own  drawing- 
rooms,  invariably  invites  the  mothers  of  her  un- 
married women  guests,  leaving  it  to  their  discretion 
whether  to  be  present  or  not  Especially  is  this 
attention  due  to  the  mothers  of  the  debutantes. 

The  mother  should  either  accompany  her  daugh- 
ter, remaining  until  the  time  for  the  cotillion  and 
then  leaving  her  in  the  charge  of  the  hostess  or 
some  friend,  or  she  should  delegate  the  responsi- 
bility for  the  girl's  pleasure  and  well-being  to 
some  lady  whom  she  can  trust.  If  a  girl  is  ever 
placed  in  an  unpleasant  situation  or  predicament 
and  she  is  in  the  charge  of  no  one  in  particular, 
she  may  and  should  claim  of  any  older  lady  pres- 
ent the  conventional  privilege  of  her  chaperonage, 
whether  she  be  an  acquaintance  or  a  stranger,  ask- 
ing her  escort  to  leave  her  at  that  lady's  side,  and 
explaining  the  situation  after  his  departure. 

A   girl   should    be  attentive  to    her   mother   or 
chaperon,  presenting  her  friends  to  her  whenever 
possible,  and  occasionally  stopping  to  say  a  few 
176 


BALLS     AND     DANCES 


words  to  her,  if  only  to  give  the  assurance  of  her 
own  enjoyment. 

At  about  twelve  o'clock  the  butler  announces 
supper  by  opening  the  dining-room  doors,  and  the 
hosts  or  those  near  at  hand  take  the  in- 

T*Vi  *» 

itiative  in  entering  the  room,  but  there     supper 
is  little  ceremony.     The  hostess  usually 
accepts  no  attentions  until  she  is  assured  that  all 
her  guests   are   being  well   cared  for,   unless  the 
supper  is  served  in  courses  at  small  tables,  when 
she  would  invite  such  guests  as  she  wishes  to  dis- 
tinguish to  sit  with  her. 

There  is  generally  a  large  table  handsomely 
decorated  with  flowers  and  lights,  and  provided 
with  a  variety  of  refreshments  (the  details  of  which 
we  have  considered  in  a  preceding  chapter)  from 
which  the  men  serve  their  partners  and  themselves, 
assisted  by  the  waiters.  If  the  supper  is  served  at 
small  tables,  friends  make  up  parties  to  sit  together 
and  are  served  as  at  a  dinner. 

The  young  people  make  engagements  for  supper- 
partners,  as  for  a  dance,  sometimes  weeks  before 
the  event.  A  woman,  of  course,  never  serves  her- 
self to  anything  at  supper,  but  may  ask  a  waiter  for 
what  she  wishes  if  she  is  partnerless.  A  young 
girl  who  has  been  overlooked  will  seek  the  side  of 
her  chaperon,  who  will  accompany  her  to  the  sup- 
per-room, where  an  observing  hostess  should  see 
that  she  is  provided  with  an  escort  who  may  be 
relied  upon  to  insure  that  the  wants  of  both  ladies 
are  satisfied.  Lemonade  and  punch  are  served,  all 

12  177 


ETIQUETTE   FOR  ALL   OCCASIONS 

through  the  evening,  at  a  small  table  presided  over 
by  a  servant. 

After   supper   the    cotillion  begins,  unless  that 

dance  gives  the  title-r61e  to  the  entertainment  and 

guests   are    invited   for  it   exclusive    of 

*T*Vif» 

cotillion  al1  others»  in  which  case  the  supper  is 
served  at  its  close.  The  cotillion  is  some- 
times called  the  "  German "  because  it  was  first 
danced  at  the  German  court  at  Aix-la-Chapelle  at 
a  ball  given  to  the  allied  sovereigns,  shortly  after 
the  battle  of  Waterloo. 

Chairs  are  ranged  against  the  walls  and  attached 
in  pairs  marked  by  numbered  cards,  duplicates 
of  which  are  given  to  the  masculine  guests  to  indi- 
cate their  places  in  the  dance  by  the  leader  of  the 
cotillion,  or  occasionally  they  are  drawn  from  a 
basket  presented  by  some  one  shortly  after  the 
gentlemen's  arrival.  Exchanges  are  sometimes 
made  to  enable  friends  to  sit  together. 

The  invitations  should  include  as  nearly  as  pos- 
sible an  even  number  of  both  sexes,  but  as  it  is 
impossible  to  insure  the  presence  of  all,  a  reserve 
of  young  men  is  most  desirable. 

The  success  of  a  cotillion  depends  chiefly  upon 
the  choice  of  a  leader  and  of  the  favors,  as  far  as 
a  hostess  may  control  circumstances. 

To  one  who  knows  how  to  dance,  it  requires 
no  special  knowledge  of  the  art  Terpsicho- 
rean  to  acquit  one's  self  well  at  a  cotillion,  it 
being  but  a  succession  of  waltzes,  two-steps, 
marches,  and  figures  which  are  easily  followed, 
178 


BALLS     AND     DANCES 


since  each  is  fully  explained  and  guided  by  the 
leader. 

The  partners  dance  together  until  the  lady  indi- 
cates where  she  wishes  to  stop.  Each  then  chooses 
a  new  partner,  and  presents  a  favor,  if  provided 
with  one,  either  by  the  leader  or  by  the  ladies 
presiding  at  the  tables  upon  which  the  favors  are 
arranged. 

The    hostess  should   select   a  man   thoroughly 
conversant  with  the  duties  and  difficulties       The 
of  the  position  to  lead  her  cotillion,  —  leader  of  a 
a  man  of  tact,  experience,  and  executive    cotllllon 
ability, —  and  then  give  him  her  fullest  confidence 

After  having  accepted  the  invitation  and  the 
responsibility,  he  should  call  promptly  upon  his 
hostess,  that  they  may  consult  together  about  the 
figures,  favors,  etc. 

He  should  arrive  in  good  time  on  the  evening 
of  the  ball,  and  have  his  plan  of  action  clearly  and 
definitely  in  his  mind. 

He  usually  dances  alone,  where  he  has  many 
persons  to  manage,  but  if  he  elect  to  have  a  part- 
ner, his  choice  often  falls  upon  his  hostess  if  she 
is  young,  or,  if  not,  upon  one  of  her  daughters, 
although  etiquette  imposes  no  such  obligation. 
He  would  place  her  at  his  right  at  the  head  of  the 
ball-room,  and  secure  her  absolution  in  advance 
for  his  enforced  neglect  of  her  in  the  pursuance 
of  his  complicated  duties. 

A  popular  leader  tries  to  choose  figures  that 
shall  bring  many  dancers  on  the  floor  at  a  time, 
179 


ETIQUETTE     FOR     ALL      OCCASIONS 

that  people  may  not  grow  tired  in  waiting  for  their 
turn. 

He  is  absolute  dictator.  When  he  claps  his 
hands  or  blows  his  whistle,  the  dancers  stop.  All 
wait  upon  his  signals.  In  the  famous  picture  of 
"The  Hunt  Ball"  the  leader  carries  a  tambourine. 
He  indicates  the  couples  which  are  to  form  the 
figures,  saying,  "  You  are  up,  and  you,  and  you, 
etc.,"  and  guides  them  through  its  mazes,  offering 
his  hand  to  the  women,  and  a  touch  on  the  arm  of 
the  men  if  any  need  special  direction.  In  the  favor 
figures  he  and  his  partner  —  if  he  have  one  —  dis- 
tribute the  pretty  trifles  to  the  dancers  while  seated, 
or  direct  where  and  when  each  set  may  get  them. 

Partners  for  the  cotillion  are  often  engaged 
weeks,  even  months,  in  advance  of  the  function, 

for   a   subscription    dance,   when   it   is 
Cotillion    known  that  jt  is  to  take  piace  but  of 

etiquette 

course  many  engagements  are  made  on 

the  evening  of  the  ball.  If  a  man  finds  no  ladies 
with  whom  he  is  acquainted,  he  should  ask  his 
hostess  or  a  friend  to  present  him  to  one.  It  is 
justly  resented  as  selfish  to  dance  "  stag  "  when 
there  are  ladies  who  are  without  partners.  If  all 
are  provided  for,  there  is  no  objection  to  it,  of 
course. 

It  is  unforgivable  for  a  man  to  forget  if  he  has 
asked  a  lady  for  the  cotillion  or  for  supper.  He 
should  remind  her  of  it  as  soon  as  possible  after 
she  enters  the  room,  and  be  on  hand  in  good  time 
to  claim  her  promise. 

180 


BALLS     AND     DANCES 


He  may  send  a  bouquet  to  his  cotillion  partner, 
but  it  is  purely  discretionary.  She  would  show 
her  appreciation  of  the  attention  by  wearing  or 
carrying  the  flowers. 

If  detained  by  illness  or  other  cause,  a  man 
should  send  his  partner  a  note  of  explanation  at 
once,  and  he  shows  himself  to  be  familiar  with  the 
ways  of  society  if  he  sends  her  flowers  on  the 
evening  of  the  ball. 

A  woman  should  be  equally  considerate  in 
sending  word  promptly  if  for  any  reason  she  must 
break  her  cotillion  engagement. 

If  she  has  not  a  partner  for  the  cotillion  and  her 
hostess  does  not  provide  her  with  one,  she  usu- 
ally goes  home,  as  do  many  of  the  older  people,  if 
the  cotillion  occupies  only  the  latter  part  of  the 
evening. 

All  should  be  absolutely  obedient  to  the  signals 
of  the  leader.  It  is  unfair  to  him  to  "  steal  dances  " 
or  dance  out  of  turn.  It  complicates  his  duties, 
already  sufficiently  arduous,  and  is  discourteous  to 
one's  hosts.  At  the  beginning  of  each  figure  all 
the  dancers  should  be  in  their  places. 

On  the  Continent  all  are  regarded  as  knowing 
each  other,  but  with  us  only  acquaintances  and 
such  persons  as  have  been  presented  favor  one 
another.  A  ball-room  introduction  need  not  be 
subsequently  recognized  unless  the  lady  please. 

It  is  not  consistent  with  the  attention  that  is  due 
to  one's  partner  to  talk  with  one's  other  neighbor, 
except  casually  or  incidentally.  When  a  man 
181 


ETIQUETTE     FOR     ALL     OCCASIONS 

favors  a  girl,  he  remains  with  her  in  the  absence  of 
her  partner  —  if  his  own  partner  is  dancing  with 
another  —  until  the  man  returns,  when  he  should 
yield  the  seat  to  him,  standing  before  her  only  long 
enough  to  bring  the  conversation  to  a  close.  His 
first  duty,  however,  is  to  his  own  partner,  to  whom 
he  should  return  as  soon  as  she  has  resumed  her 
seat. 

When  a  girl  favors  a  man  by  holding  out  to 
him  the  token  of  her  preference,  he  rises  at  once, 
attaches  the  favor  to  his  coat,  thanks  her,  and  after 
dancing  takes  her  to  her  seat,  thanking  her  again 
before  leaving  her. 

There  is  occasionally  a  favor  somewhat  hand- 
somer than  the  rest,  called  a  "  souvenir,"  which  is 
usually  exchanged  between  the  partners.  With 
this  exception  partners  do  not  favor  each  other. 

It  is  usual  to  recognize  the  attention  of  being 
chosen  to  receive  a  favor,  by  bestowing  one  during 
the  evening,  —  a  man  showing  himself  somewhat 
more  prompt  and  eager  to  express  his  sense  of 
appreciation  for  the  honor  than  a  woman. 

It  is  customary  to  have  from  three  to  six  favor 

figures.     The    pretty  trifles    are  generally  artisti- 

cally  arranged  upon  two  tables  at  the 

end  of  the  ball-room,  —  those  intended 

for  the  men  upon  one,  those  for  the  women  on 

the  other.     They  are  given  out  by  the  patronesses 

or  by  the  hostess  and  two  or  three  friends,  to  those 

who  in  turn  present  them  to  the  persons  with  whom 

they  wish  to  dance. 

182 


BALLS     AND     DANCES 

Or,  the  leader  and  his  partner  get  the  favors 
and  distribute  them.  At  private  houses  the  favors 
are  often  sent  into  the  room  under  competent  di- 
rection, in  the  order  in  which  they  are  to  be  used. 

They  should  furnish  a  series  of  surprises,  the 
better  things  following  those  least  desirable.  They 
need  not  be  costly,  coveted  for  themselves  and 
arousing  cupidity,  but  novelty  and  daintiness 
should  distinguish  them,  and  with  ingenuity  at 
command,  charming  results  are  often  obtained. 

Favors  being  evidences  of  popularity,  the  larger 
and  gayer  they  are  the  more  conspicuous  the  honor. 

After  the  cotillion  a  few  remain  to  dance,  taking 
advantage  of  the  space,  and  often  consider  it  the 
pleasantest  part  of  the  evening,  there     Taking 
being    less    formality ;    and    some   will  leave  at  a 
always  remain  as  long  as  a  sip  of  pleas-        bal1 
ure  may  be  extracted  from  the  fleeting  hours. 

A  ball  beginning  at  ten  or  eleven  o'clock  may 
well  satisfy  the  most  eager  pleasure-seeker  if  it 
last  until  two  or  three  o'clock  A.  M. 

Those  who  remain  late  would  naturally  take 
leave  of  the  hostess  and  express  in  cordial  terms 
the  enjoyment  that  she  has  given  them.  In  the 
earlier  part  of  the  evening,  when  her  attention  is 
occupied  with  many  guests,  it  is  not  necessary  to 
interrupt  or  disturb  her  to  make  one's  adieux,  un- 
less, passing  near  her,  she  recognizes  the  intention 
of  departure.  If  she  stands  near  the  entrance  to 
the  ball-room,  one  says  a  few  words  of  appre- 
ciative thanks  and  of  compliment  on  the  success 
183 


ETIQUETTE     FOR     ALL      OCCASIONS 

of  her  entertainment.  To  the  host  one  bids  a  cor- 
dial good-night,  without  thanks,  if  he  is  readily 
accessible. 

If  a  man  has  asked  the  privilege  of  acting  as 
escort  to  a  young  woman  and  her  chaperon,  he 
must  leave  to  them  the  choice  of  the  time  for 
departure,  with  no  hint  of  his  own  wishes.  In 
such  case  he  provides  the  conveyance  to  and 
from  the  scene  of  the  entertainment. 

Should  a  man,  for  whatever  reason,  be  compelled 
to  leave  a  ball  while  yet  his  dancing  engagements 
are  unfulfilled,  he  must  see  and  explain  to  each 
of  the  ladies  the  cause  of  his  delinquency,  with 
courteous  apologies. 

A  host  accompanies  the  lady  with  whom  he 
may  have  been  dancing  or  talking,  when  she  is 
about  to  leave,  to  the  hall,  sees  that  her  carriage 
is  called,  and  upon  her  return  from  the  cloak-room 
aids  her  in  getting  into  her  carriage,  if  she  is 
without  an  escort. 

Subscription  dances  are  usually  very  fine  affairs, 
given  at  some  large  assembly  rooms,  furnished  with 
taste  and  elegance,  and  are  organized 
by  a  number  °f  ladies  or  gentlemen, 
who  divide  the  expenses  among  them- 
selves. Or,  women  of  social  prominence  are  asked 
to  become  patronesses,  for  which  privilege  they 
subscribe  a  certain  sum,  usually  from  fifty  to  a 
hundred  dollars.  This  entitles  them  to  a  certain 
number  of  invitations  to  be  extended  to  their 
friends. 

184 


BALLS     AND     DANCES 

At  these  balls  the  patronesses  stand  side  by 
side  in  line  or  semi-circle  near  the  entrance  of  the 
room,  and  greet  the  guests  with  gracious  bows, 
extending  their  hands .  only  to  their  personal 
friends  or  to  any  one  especially  distinguished. 

The  guests  say  a  few  words  to  the  lady  to  whom 
they  owe  their  invitation,  make  a  sweeping  bow, 
inclusive  of  all  the  others,  and  pass  on. 

When  the  supper  is  served,  a  waiter  announces 
it  to  the  patronesses.  The  senior  lady  takes  the 
arm  of  the  guest  to  whom  she  would  show  special 
attention,  and  the  rest  follow.  They  sit  together 
at  one  table  if  the  supper  is  served  in  courses. 

The  "  Cinderella "  dances  were  organized  that 
the  entertainment  might  be  over  before  midnight, 
but  among  subscription  balls  the  "  Assembly " 
stands  easily  first.  Debutantes  are  "  passed  through 
it  "  so  as  to  receive  its  verdict,  much  as  girls  in 
England  are  presented  at  court. 

It  is  not  difficult  to  obtain  an  invitation  if  one  is 
acquainted  with  a  patroness  or  the  friend  of  one, 
but  unless  one  belongs  to  the  intimate  circle  of  its 
patrons,  the  honor  is  great  but  the  pleasure  small 
for  a  young  girl,  who  at  the  threshold  of  society 
has  not  many  acquaintances.  Some  girls  have 
their  carriages  wait  throughout  the  evening,  so 
that  they  may  leave  when  inclined.  Needless 
to  say  that  unmarried  women  are  always  accom- 
panied by  their  mothers  or  chaperons. 

A  private  ball,  an  invitation  to  which  only 
acquaintance  with  one's  hostess  entitles  one,  is 
185 


ETIQUETTE     FOR     ALL     OCCASIONS 

usually  productive  of  more  real  pleasure  and  sim- 
ple, light-hearted  joyousness  than  can 
be    realized    from   the    gratification    of 
social    ambition   which  is    incongruous 
with  youth. 

When  a  dance  is  given  at  a  private  house,  the 
preparations  differ  little  from  those  already  con- 
sidered as  necessary  at  larger  balls,  except  in  their 
greater  simplicity.  An  awning  and  carpet  are  at 
the  entrance  to  the  house.  A  man  is  stationed  to 
open  the  doors  of  carriages,  not  necessarily  in 
livery,  and  to  say  at  what  hour  they  may  be 
ordered,  giving  checks  in  duplicate  to  the  guests 
and  their  coachmen. 

The  servant  opening  the  house  door  may  be 
man  or  maid  (wearing  appropriate  livery),  who 
directs  the  ladies  to  a  dressing-room  where  two 
maids  are  in  attendance,  and  the  men  to  another, 
where  they  sometimes  find  cigars,  cigarettes,  and 
effervescent  waters. 

The  young  girls  arrive  accompanied  by  their 
maids,  who  leave  them  in  the  dressing-room  and 
return  to  find  them  there. 

The  drawing-rooms  are  well  lighted  and  venti- 
lated, and  if  the  hosts  are  more  anxious  to  have 
their  guests  enjoy  themselves  than  to  show  how 
large  a  circle  of  acquaintances  they  have,  the  rooms 
will  not  be  over-crowded. 

When  invitations  are  issued  for  a  dance,  there 
are  about  ten  per  cent  more  men  asked  than  women, 
and  the  more  the  merrier.     Let  not  the  self-admir- 
186 


BALLS     AND     DANCES 


ing  of  the  "  unfair  sex  "  be  too  much  elated,  — 
the  object  of  their  presence  is  the  pleasure  of 
the  young  women;  they  are  but  the  means  to 
an  end ! 

Linen  crash  is  stretched  tightly  on  the  floors, 
unless  they  are  of  hard  wood.  Other  devices  have 
been  tried,  but  Sherry,  New  York's  supreme 
authority,  says  that  there  is  nothing  else  as  good. 
The  musicians  are  screened  behind  tall  plants, 
unless  a  piano  with  a  violin  or  two,  harp  or  'cello 
furnish  the  music. 

At  a  house  dance  the  hostess,  unable  Receiving 

to  leave  her   place   to    make  introduc-        *  e 

,  .,    i  .  .  guests 

tions  while  her  guests  are  arriving,  asks 

one,  two  or  more  friends  to  receive  with  and  assist 
her. 

After  greeting  his  hostess  and  her  daughters  a 
man  may  find  his  host  somewhere  near,  and  should 
try  to  speak  to  him.  The  late-comers  cannot  al- 
ways find  him  readily,  and  some,  not  too  well-bred, 
do  not  try  to  do  so.  A  story  is  told  of  a  man 
who,  coming  upon  another,  unknown  to  him  but 
who  was  looking  rather  bored,  said,  "  Beastly 
dull,  isn't  it?"  "Yes,"  assented  the  other. 
"Let's  go  home,"  said  the  first  speaker;  "I'm 
off!"  "I  can't,"  returned  the  other;  "I  live 
here."  The  guest  only  met  his  deserts  for  criticis- 
ing any  hospitality  of  which  he  was  the  recipient. 

A  young  man  invited  to  a  house  should  dance 
as  early  as  possible  with  the  daughters  of  his  host- 
ess and  pay  them  every  possible  attention. 
187 


ETIQUETTE     FOR     ALL      OCCASIONS 

When  supper  is  announced  —  the  music  usually 

being   the   time-worn    march    from    "  Norma "  — 

the  dining-room  doors  or  portieres  are 

supper     thrown  open,  and  the   host   leads   the 

way  with  some  lady  to  whom  he  wishes 

to  show  honor. 

Supper  is  generally  served  at  a  large  table,  as 
before  described,  and  may  be  as  elaborate  or  as 
simple  as  the  taste  or  means  of  the  host  may  dic- 
tate. Either  is  in  equally  good  taste;  but  for  a 
"  sit  down  "  supper  many  small  tables,  each  with 
its  "  covers  "  and  decorations,  are  rolled  into  and 
distributed  about  the  rooms  when  supper  is  an- 
nounced. One  good  waiter  can  serve  two  tables 
with  four  or  six  guests  at  each. 

At  house  dances  where  the  rooms  are  not  very 
extensive  and  all  space  is  valuable,  the  older 
people  are  not  invited,  but  the  hostess  and  her 
coadjutors  can  keep  all  the  guests  in  sight  and  see 
that  none  are  overlooked  or  neglected. 

"  Dinner  dances  "  are  a  favorite  form  of  enter- 
tainment.    As    many  guests   are   invited  for  din- 
ner as  can  be  accommodated  at  the  table 
inner    Qf  tjie  hostess   an(j  others  are  asked  to 
dances        ...  . 

join  them  later  for  an  informal  dance. 

A  cotillion  of  twenty  or  thirty  couples  is  usually  a 
merry  informality,  and  an  impromptu  dance  after  a 
dinner  is  commonly  much  enjoyed  by  very  young 
folk.  A  simple  buffet  supper  is  always  served. 

"  Dinner    dances "   are     sometimes   very  smart 
affairs.     Friends  arrange  to  give  them  in  conjunc- 
188 


BALLS     AND     DANCES 

tion  with  each  other.  A  dinner  of  twenty,  thirty, 
or  more  guests  will  be  given  on  the  same  evening 
at  three  or  four  different  houses,  served  at  small 
tables,  and  at  about  ten  o'clock  omnibuses  or 
carriages  convey  them  to  the  house  of  another 
hostess  who  entertains  them  with  a  cotillion  and  a 
supper.  The  idea  might  be  simplified  and  lose 
few  of  its  attractions. 

Nearly  all  the  young  girls  belong  to  one  or 
more  of  the  popular  "  dancing-classes,"  which 
are  given  at  some  large  ball-room, 

hired  for  the  occasion.      A  committee      *ncin& 

classes 
of  ladies,  usually  well  known  in  society, 

make  all  arrangements  for  room,  supper,  music, 
and  cotillion  favors.  In  their  names  are  issued  the 
invitations,  and  a  rigorous  censorship  is  exercised. 
To  those  who  accept  are  sent  cards  of  admission 
to  the  different  meetings  of  the  class,  attached  like 
a  sheet  of  stamps  so  as  to  be  readily  divided,  and 
inscribed  with  the  date  and  name  of  guest,  which 
are  presented  at  the  entrance  on  the  evening  of 
the  dance.  Each  member  pays  about  fifteen 
dollars  for  the  season,  including  six  meetings. 
The  patronesses  receive  the  young  people  and  try 
to  insure  that  all  have  partners. 

"  Costume  balls  "  are  perhaps  the  most  elegant 
and  interesting  of  society  functions.  A  court 

minuet   often    opens   such    a  ball,    for 

.  Costume 

which  diligent  rehearsal  is  made  by  the       balls 

dancers,  chosen    in  advance.      A  good 

teacher  is  required  to  insure  the  combined  grace 


ETIQUETTE      FOR     ALL      OCCASIONS 

and    dignity,   the    management   of  the  train    and 
fan,  necessary  to  that  most  aristocratic  of  dances. 

Some  hostesses  have  discovered  that  to  give  a 
costume  ball  requires  no  more  effort  on  their 
Informal  Pai"t  than  an  ordinary  dance,  while  se- 
costume  curing  the  interest  of  their  guests  in  far 
dances  greater  degree.  It  has  found  expres- 
sion in  many  informal  and  amusing  frolics.  Cos- 
tumes illustrating  titles  of  books  had  a  season  of 
popularity,  and  one  of  the  latest  expressions  of  the 
costume  dance  is  an  "  Annexation  Party."  A 
fun-loving  couple,  masquerading  as  Uncle  Sam 
and  Columbia,  gave  a  "  family  party  "  to  enable 
those  who  had  grown  up  in  the  old  home  in  Yan- 
keedom  to  welcome  their  new  relations.  Porto 
Rican  ladies  in  lace  mantillas  coquetted  with 
Western  cowboys.  One,  who  looked  a  modern 
Minerva  representing  the  city  of  Boston,  looked 
indulgently  through  spectacles  at  a  wild  Filipino, 
chiefly  arrayed  in  a  brown  sweater  and  feather 
dusters,  with  a  nose-ring.  And  Chicago,  a  fair 
lady  wearing  her  husband's  shoes,  kindly  initiated 
a  brother  from  the  Ladrones  into  the  mysteries  of 
the  two-step,  while  he  flourished  a  large  toy  pop- 
gun. The  scene  was  a  merry  one,  and  not  an  un- 
smiling face  was  to  be  seen. 

Barn  dances  are  popular  in  the  autumn.      The 

horses  are  given  neighborly  hospitality, 
Barn  ,  ,.  . 

dances      an"    *ne    empty  stalls    are  turned    into 

bovvers  of  greenery  and  made  luxurious 
with   rugs   and    seats    covered    with    Turkey-red 
190 


BALLS     AND     DANCES 

cushions,  filled  with  the  aromatic  pine  balsam. 
The  box-stall  is  provided  with  a  table,  where 
lemonade  and  punch  are  served. 

To  a  house-party  such  a  dance  made  an  at- 
tractive climax  after  many  pleasure-filled  days. 
The  walls  of  a  spacious  barn  were  hung  with  na- 
ture's own  tapestry  of  leaves  and  grain  and  "  gar- 
den graith."  A  dado  of  ripe  wheat  gave  effective 
contrast  to  masses  of  maple  leaves  above,  all 
aglow  and  ablaze.  From  the  ceiling  hung  many 
Japanese  lanterns  among  green  branches,  whose 
glowing  light  was  supplemented  by  candles  in  tin 
sconces  masked  with  bunches  of  bright  leaves.  The 
musicians  were  mounted  upon  a  coach  in  one  cor- 
ner. The  cotillion  favors  were  whips,  small  silver 
whistles,  sleigh-bells,  photograph  frames  in  the 
form  of  nickel  horseshoes  and  stirrups,  vegetables 
and  fruits  cunningly  made  of  silk,  while  flowers 
were  held  in  rustic  baskets  of  burs  and  birch  bark. 

The  coach-horn  sounded  a  musical  peal  to  an- 
nounce the  supper,  which  was  served  at  the  house. 
The  dancing  concluded  with  a  Virginia  reel,  as 
is  usual  with  such  informal  frolics. 


191 


Chapter    Twelfth  —  CHAPERONS: 

THEIR  USE   AND   ABUSE 

[HEN  a  general  distribution  of  halos 
t  takes    place,"   once    said    a    bright 
I  woman,  "  the  head  of  the  willing  and 
unsung  martyr,  known  as  a  chaperon, 
will  be   found   crowned    too,    I    am 
persuaded,  among  the  world's  elect !  " 

Not  many  of  us  will  be  found  worthy  to  wear 
one  of  greater  radiance,  if  cheerfulness,  an  abso- 
lute disregard  of  self,  ingenuity  in  improvising 
pleasures  in  which  she  takes  but  an  observer's 
part,  and  an  unwearied  amiability  that  keeps  her 
sweet,  smiling,  and  wakeful  until  her  young  charge 
has  had  her  fill  of  pleasure,  be  any  qualification 
for  such  a  reward.  The  post  is  no  sinecure,  and  its 
duties  are  often  a  thankless,  unenviable  task. 

Of  course  the  natural  chaperon  of  a  girl  is  her 
own  mother,  whose  interest  in  all  that  in  any  way 
concerns  her  child  makes  the  position  an  easy  one 
and  all  her  labor  of  love  ;  but  one  whose  presence 
is  imposed  to  "play  propriety"  where  no  such 
necessity  is  recognized,  naturally  feels  the  em- 
barrassment of  being  unwelcome.  It  is  therefore 
but  fair  that  her  position  should  be  understood 
and  defined. 

192 


CHAPERONS:  THEIR  USE  AND  ABUSE 

In  Europe,  and  in  those  parts  of  America  which 
have  felt  the  influence  of  old-world  customs,  the 
first  demand  of  polished  society  is  that  The  need 
young   girls  shall  be  properly  chaper-         of 
oned.     It  is  considered  one  of  the  ele-  chaPerons 
gances  of  life,  one  of  the  graces  of  the  best  society, 
and  an  evidence  of  the  tender  respect  with  which 
young  womanhood  is  regarded ;   such  a  formality 
being  held  to  safeguard  it  from  all  chance  of  evil 
or  the  appearance  of  it. 

;~The  worloPEas'  grown  too  small,  through  the 
closer  intercourse  of  its  civilized  peoples,  for  any 
to  escape  its  inherited  traditions  and  prejudices. 

Time  was  when  we  were  so  provincial  and 
inconspicuous  that  we  could  make  our  own  social 
laws,  and  we  were  proud  of  the  freedom  that  could 
exist  between  our  young  women  and  their  men 
acquaintances,  and  protested  against  the  duenna 
system  as  a  reflection  upon  their  trustworthiness. 

Strong  in  their  innate  sense  of  propriety,  their 
moral  dignity,  discretion,  and  modesty,  the  girls 
felt  quite  competent  to  take  care  of  themselves, 
and  the  young  men  resented  the  suggestion  of  a 

I   chaperon  as  an  insult  to  their  honor.      From  their 
L— —^ 

mental    attitude,    their  self-respecting  standpoint, 

and  the  customs  of  their  environment,  they  were 
justified,  and  there  are  not  wanting  many  yet,  to 
hold  these  opinions. 

To  such  I  would  say  that  chaperonage  is  a  rep- 
resentative thing.     It  typifies  the  sheltering  care, 
the  jealous  protection,  of  something  very  precious. 
'3  193 


~if 

r. 


ETIQUETTE     FOR     ALL     OCCASIONS 

It  sets  a  higher  value    upon   the   object  by  pro- 

What  a    tecting   and    hedging   it   round    in   the 

chaperon   eyes  of  others,  and  particularly  in  those 

stands  for  of  yOung  men  who  are  apt  to  sigh  for 

the  fruit  that  hangs  highest.j 

The  value       There  is  no  doubt,  also,  that  the  pres- 

of  a       ence  of  a  chaperon  greatly  improves  the 

chaperon    manners  of  the  young  people. 

There  are  girls  who  are  inherently  well  bred,  but 

who,  having  the  natural,  instinctive  desire  to  please, 

sometimes  fear  to  be  considered  prim,  proper,  and 

"  goody-goody,"  if  they  do  not  join  in  the  pranks 

and  imitate  the  manners  of  those  who  seem  to  be 

over-much  at  their  ease  in  young  men's  society. 

To  such  the  presence  of  a  chaperon  is  never  an 

unwelcome  restraint. 

A  loud  laugh,  familiar  manners,  unrestrained 
attitudes,  are  not  attractive ;  and  in  the  freedom  of 
the  club  men  discuss  these  matters,  and  those 
who  fancy  that  such  recommend  them  are  held 
cheap.  / 

r   ^**ftT  _,.   7 

A  vivacious  girl,  with  the  high  spirits  of  youth 

and  its  ignorance  of  the  world  and  its  ways,  has 

sometimes  been   misunderstood  and  placed    in  a 

false  position,  which  the  presence  of  a  chaperon 

1  jvould  have  averted. 

Many  a  girl  would  give  the  world  to  efface  mem- 
ories of  indiscretions  of  conduct  that  bring  a  blush 
when  recalled.  Motherless  and  brotherless  girls 
are  especially  in  danger  of  mis£eflC£j}lion.  The 
often  rough  criticism  of  other  girls  heard  from  a 
194 


CHAPERONS:     THEIR     USE     AND     ABUSE 

brother  is  a  lesson  in  manners  that  usually  makes 
an  impression. 

If  a  chaperon  is  what  she  should  be,  her  pres- 
ence will  not  wet-blanket  the  merriment  and  spon- 
taneity, but  merely  tone  down  the  excessive 
exuberance;  the  girls  will  not  be  less  winsome 
but  less  giddy,  with  manners  high  bred,  not  con- 
spicuous. 

"  What  are  the  moments  in  life  most  likely  to 
be  remembered?  "  asked  one  clever  woman  of  an- 
other. "  Those  in  which  we  forgot  ourselves !  " 
was  the  answer,  given  with  a  sigh. 

A  girl  is  sometimes  glad  to  intrench  herself  be- 
hind the  bulwarks  that  society  has  reared  about 
her,  to  defend  herself  from  unwelcome  devotion  or 
attentions. 

A  chaperon  should  be  an  example  to  her  young 
charges  in  the  conventions,  and  all  social  questions 
should  be  referred  to  her.  She  should 

therefore     be     emphatically    a    gentle- The  Proper 

0  chaperon 

woman,  knowing  the   usages    of  polite 

society;  her  reputation,  of  course,  above  question. 

A  European  father  who  had  lost  his  wife  would 
never  place  a  young  unmarried  daughter  at  the 
head  of  his  house  without  a  resident  chaperon, 
and  the  impropriety  of  doing  so  is  now  acknowl- 
edged with  us. 

There  are  not  wanting,  in  this  country  of  financial 

ups  and  downs,  ladies  who  are  qualified  in  every 

way  for  such  a  position.    She  should  be  treated  by 

every  one  in  the  household  as  though  she  were  the 

195 


social  equal  and  entitled  to  the  same  deference  as 
the  lady  of  the  house  whom  she  represents.  Then, 
and  only  then,  can  she  do  justice  to  the  position 
and  give  to  the  young  girl  what  she  needs. 

The  chaperon  should  endeavor  to  see  that  hos- 
pitable doors  are  open  to  her  charge,  that  well- 
bred    and    agreeable    young    men    are 
Her  duties  ,         ,  .    .     .     , 

presented  to  her,  and  it  is  her  responsi- 
bility that  the  girl  reciprocates  the  attentions  that 
she  receives  in  a  manner  befitting  her  position. 

Much  tact  is  necessary  not  to  draw  the  rein  too 
tightly.  A  leading-strap  would  be  the  better  fig- 
ure; that  leaves  the  young  subject  free,  but  checks 
readily  when  it  is  necessary.  A  chaperon  must 
be  careful  never  to  antagonize  her  charge  or 
appear  to  watch  her.  She  should  respect  the 
privacy  of  her  letters,  and  never  take  the  oppor- 
tunity to  rebuke  or  condemn  when  a  confidence  is 
given.  Indeed  her  only  chance  of  success  is  to 
win  the  girl's  real  respect  and  affection,  and  then 
encourage  confidence  in  order  to  be  able  to  act  for 
her  good  and  advantage  and  never  from  personal 
motives  or  curiosity.  It  is  her  duty,  however,  to 
reprove  her  charge  if  she  is  careless  in  her  de- 
meanor with  young  men.  All  invitations  to  men 
should  be  given  in  the  name  of  the  mother  or 
chaperon. 

In  travelling  through  Europe  young  girls  may 

go  almost  anywhere  under  proper  chaperonage,  — 

to  theatres,  operas,  studios,  and  into  society.  Only 

when  intrenched  within  the  dignified  position  of  a 

196 


CHAPERONS:     THEIR     USE     AND      ABUSE 

worker,  can  a  young  woman  dispense  with  the 
demand  of  etiquette  for  a  chaperon. 

A  young  man  regardful  of  the  proprieties  never 
asks  a  girl  to  accompany  him  to  any  place  of 
amusement  without  either  extending  the  invitation 
to  her  mother  or  chaperon,  or  asking  some  mar- 
ried woman  of  suitable  age  and  position  to  accom- 
pany them. 

Under  exceptional  circumstances  a  young  brother 
has  sometimes  been  allowed  to  fill  the  position  of 
duenna,  probably  because  of  a  boy's  well-known 
reputation  of  allowing  nothing  to  escape  his  obser- 
vation, arid  reticence  not  being  a  conspicuous 
characteristic. 

A  theatre-party  of  young  persons  unchaperoned 
would  be  considered  as  quite  beyond  the  pale  of 
good  society  in  New  York. 

The  host  calls  first  for  the  chaperon  before  going 
for  the  young  woman,  unless  it  is  ar- 


house.     At  a  supper  after  the  theatre      of  the 
he  seats  that  lady  first,  and  treats  her  as  chaperon 
the  guest  of  honor. 

An  entertainment  at  a  man's  bachelor  apart- 
ments, at  the  annex  of  his  club,  or  at  a  restaurant 
of  reputation,  may  be  enjoyed  by  young  girls 
properly  chaperoned.  One  of  his  own  married 
kinswomen  would  give  much  dignity  to  the 
gayety. 

When  a   lady  is    invited  to  be  chaperon  for  a 
special  occasion,  a  carriage  is  always  sent  to  take 
197 


ETIQUETTE     FOR     ALL     OCCASIONS 

her  to  the  place  appointed,  if  the  host  does  not 
call  for  her,  and  returns  to  take  her  home. 

A  chaperon  should  endeavor  to  make  herself  so 
agreeable  that  her  society  will  not  be  more  of  a 
penance  to  the  young  man  who  falls  to 
An  her  lot  than  she  can  help.  She  need 
chaperon  not  " ta^  down  "  to  him,  and  in  her 
conversation  she  should  remember  that 
the  young  do  not  enjoy  grave  subjects  when  mer- 
riment has  been  the  object  of  their  meeting. 
Neither  should  she  try  to  place  herself  on  his  level 
and  assume  airs  of  juvenility.  She  will  only  appear 
ridiculous  to  the  keen  young  eyes  that  will  merci- 
lessly judge  her.  There  are  many  subjects  upon 
which  young  and  old  may  meet  upon  common 
ground  and  talk  with  naturalness  and  enthusiasm,  — 
books,  music,  art,  the  play,  charming  people, 
authors,  artists,  lecturers,  travel,  amateur  photog- 
raphy, bicycling,  golf,  tennis,  botanizing,  —  minds 
and  souls  have  no  age. 

When  young  girls  are  asked  to  be  guests  un- 
Chaperon-  accompanied  by  an  older  woman,  the 

age  at      hostess  assumes  the  office  and  respon- 

dances  sjbiijty  of  chaperon  at  house  parties, 
dances,  etc. 

At  a  ball  the  chaperon  enters  the  room  with  her 
charge  at  her  left,  and  steps  slightly  in  advance 
of  her  to  greet  their  hostess.  She  takes  her  seat 
in  the  row  of  seats  against  the  wall,  and  her  pro- 
tegee sits  in  front  of  her.  In  Europe  at  all  large 
balls  the  walls  of  the  room  are  lined  with  red  velvet 
198 


CHAPERONS:  THEIR  USE  AND  ABUSE 

sofas  whereon  the  chaperons  are  seated,  often  on  a 
raised  dais,  with  their  young  people  upon  chairs  at 
their  feet.  The  elder  women,  dressed  with  elegance 
and  wearing  many  jewels,  make  an  effective  back- 
ground for  the  costumes  of  their  charges,  whose 
youth  and  freshness  are  the  more  emphasized  by 
contrast. 

The  chaperon  should  dress  as  unlike  the  young 
girls  as  possible,  —  for  her  the  velvets,  stiff  bro- 
cades, and  toilets  suggesting  richness,  even  sump- 
tuousness ;  for  them  diaphanous  draperies  and 
artistic  simplicity.  No  language  can  be  too  severe, 
too  scathing,  to  condemn  the  woman  whose  attire 
is  lacking  in  modesty ;  but  never  is  it  so  blame- 
worthy as  when  she  is  in  charge  of  young  and 
innocent  girls. 

The  chaperon  should  endeavor  to  see  that  her 
protegee  is  provided  with  a  partner  for  the  cotil- 
lion, using  the  advantages  of  her  position,  her 
acquaintance,  or  the  feeling  of  indebtedness  to- 
wards her,  for  the  benefit  of  her  charge. 

Always  to  be  found  in  the  same  place,  the  young 
girl  may  go  to  her  between  dances,  and  so  be  re- 
lieved of  the  dreaded  feeling  that  she  is  imposed 
upon  a  man  longer  than  she  is  welcome.  A  young 
chaperon  should  not  dance  while  her  charge  is 
unprovided  with  a  partner. 

Many  think  that  a  chaperon  should     Special 

be  possessed  of  what  they  call  the  "  so-   luallfica- 

*•  tions 

cial   talent,"   knowing   how   to    bar   all 

approaches  towards  a  girl's  acquaintance  from  the 
199 


ETIQUETTE      FOR      ALL      OCCASIONS 

ranks  of  the  undesirables  as  well  as  the  objection- 
ables,  and  beguiling  the  eligibles  into  an  agreeable 
atmosphere  of  congeniality  and  intimacy  that 
"  steals  upon  them  ere  they  are  aware." 
"The  first  is  indubitably  an  important  qualifi- 
cation; the  last  requires  tact,  sensitiveness,  and 
innate  good  breeding,  lest  the  young  subject 
of  her  management  be  compromised  in  the  very 
least. 

Society  requires  a  certain  amount  of  manipula- 
tion and  clever  handling,  it  is  said,  except  by 
those  who  are  born  within  its  penetralia,  but  one 
would  not  "  stoop  to  conquer." 

It  is  quite  legitimate,  however,  and  consistent 
with  the  dignity  of  the  older  woman  as  well  as  the 
younger  that  some  acquaintanceships  should  be 
averted  and  others  fostered. 

Especially  at  summer  hotels  eternal  vigilance 
should  not  be  relaxed.  Injudicious  picnics,  long 
walks,  with  opportunities  for  t6te-a-t6tes,  ex- 
cursions of  all  kinds,  make  the  responsibility 
of  chaperonage  sometimes  an  onerous  one. 

The  "  abuse  "  of  the  chaperon  conveys  a 
"  double  entente."  With  one  acceptation  of  the 
word  we  are  all  familiar,  but  it  has  another 
signification. 

A  woman  who  makes  the  position  an  excuse  for 

Injudicious  going   into    gay   society   for    her   own 

chaperon-  amusement  or  advancement  is  an  unfit 

person  with  whom  to  trust  a  young  and 

inexperienced  girl. 

200 


CHAPERONS:     THEIR     USE      AND     ABUSE 

A  pleasant  manner,  magnetic,  gracious,  is  a 
desirable  endowment  or  acquisition,  but  self 
should  always  be  secondary  to  the  interest  and 
pleasure  of  the  young  people.  There  are  those, 
however,  who  put  forth  efforts  to  attract  admiration 
or  attention  to  themselves.  Such  chaperonage  is 
an  injustice  to.  the  girl. 

If  a  chaperon  be  not  old  enough  to  be  the 
mother  of  her  charge,  she  should  at  least  have 
such  dignity  of  character  as  to  suggest  maturity, 
and  so  leave  no  doubt  of  the  conventions  being 
satisfied. 

It  is  bad  form  to  send  several  gay  girls  to  a  ball 
with  a  very  young  chaperon,  perhaps  one  of  their 
own  number  who  has  just  been  married.  Such 
matronizing  is  a  farce,  a  burlesque,  and  no  real 
chaperonage  at  all. 

Upon  coaching-parties  to  races,  football  matches, 
visits  to  country  clubs,  picnics,  studio  teas,  boat- 
ing-parties, or  any  festivity  where  merriment  and 
gay  spirits  may  tempt  the  overstepping  of  the 
bounds  of  strictly  good  breeding,  the  matron  of 
the  party  should  be  carefully  chosen.  I  have 
seen  chaperons  who  needed  chaperoning  more 
than  the  young  people  in  their  charge. 

All  the  obligation  is  not  on  the  one  side,  how- 
ever. 

It  is  always  an  evidence  of  refined  breeding  as 
well  as  kindness  of  heart  that  a  girl  should  show 
her  chaperon  at  a  ball  or  elsewhere  that  she  is  not 
unmindful  of  her  presence.  She  should  present 


ETIQUETTE     FOR     ALL     OCCASIONS 

to  her  the  young  men  whom  she  meets,  if  they 
are  standing  near,  and  it  is  always  a  compliment 

A  irl's  to  a  man  to  ^e  brought  to  the  mother 
attentions  or  chaperon  for  a  special  introduction. 

to  her  She  should  reciprocate  the  interest  of 
1  the  chaperon  in  her  pleasures  by  show- 
ing some  solicitude  for  the  comfort  and  enjoyment 
of  that  lady,  noticing  whether  or  not  she  has  some 
one  to  talk  with,  and  with  her  better  opportunities 
of  seeing  the  room,  may  manage  to  insure  that  she 
be  more  agreeably  seated.  If  she  be  overlooked  at 
supper,  the  girl  may  ask  her  own  partner  to  provide 
for  her,  and  if  he  is  a  gentleman,  he  will  think  the 
better  of  her  for  her  thoughtful  considerateness 
and  perform  the  little  service  with  readiness. 

The  chaperon  is  sometimes  a  young  mother, 
feeling  scarcely  older  than  her  daughter  but 
obliged  to  take  a  permanent  seat  against  the  wall, 
while  her  own  feet  tingle  with  the  desire  to  do  as 
her  daughter  is  doing. 

A  girl  may  associate  her  mother  in  her  pleas- 
ures and  enlist  her  interest  by  being  a  little  confi- 
dential about  what  she  hears  and  the  people  whom 
she  meets,  sure  at  least  of  a  discreet  confidante. 

Little  attentions  are  never  more  appreciated 
than  when  shown  by  a  girl  to  her  mother  or  chap- 
eron in  public,  such  as  being  careful  to  give  that 
lady  precedence,  anticipating  her  wishes  in  trifling 
acts,  watchful  about  draughts  or  discomfort  in  any 
form,  —  not  after  the  patronizing  manner  that  I 
have  sometimes  seen,  of  looking  after  some  incom- 
202 


CHAPERONS:  THEIR  USE  AND  ABUSE 

petent  too  old  or  too  stupid  to  care  for  herself,  but 
with  loving  considerateness  and  gentle  deference. 
This  is  the  manner  inculcated  in  European  girls, 
and  in  this  land  of  assertive  democratic  opinions 
we  are  in  danger  of  losing  some  of  the  graces  that 
come  of  a  reverent  attitude  towards  those  whose 
superiority  in  any  form  we  acknowledge.  In  all 
relations  enjoyment  is  enchanced  by  reciprocity. 
"  Happiness  was  born  a  twin !  " 


203 


Chapter  Thirteenth—  ENGAGEMENTS 

MAN  once  wrote  to  a  leading  jour- 
nal, asking  naively,  "  If  the  wed- 
ding day  is  fixed  for  next  month, 
when  should  the  father's  consent 
be  asked?"  He  neglected  to  ask 
whether  or  not  the  bride's  parents  should  be  invited 
to  the  wedding ! 

It  is  a  point  of  etiquette  upon  which  parents 
and  young  persons  are  at  variance,  whether  a  man 
should  first  ask  the  consent  of  the  girl  whom  he 
desires  to  marry,  or  that  of  her  parents  to  win  her 
if  he  can.  In  Europe  the  decision  would  side  with 
the  parents,  but  in  America  a  man's  permission  to 
win  the  woman  of  his  choice  is  usually  taken  entirely 
for  granted. 

M.  de  Varigny,  in  his  very  flattering  book  on 
"  Woman  in  the  United  States,"  dates  the  "  suprem- 
acy "  of  the  sex  from  the  moment  when,  in  colo- 
nial New  England,  a  woman  was  conceded  the 
right  to  dispose  of  her  own  hand  in  marriage. 
Women  in  those  days  had  not  demonstrated  the 
"  survival  of  the  fittest "  by  being  in  the  majority  ! 
Wives  were  a  scarce  commodity  then,  and  "  the 
right  one  "  always  is,  so  the  prerogative  has  never 
been  abrogated. 

204 


ENGAGEMENTS 


The  young  man,  however,  who  regards  the  con- 
sent of  a  girl's  parents  to  her  marriage  as  unim- 
portant,   and    belittles    their   authority,  Asking  the 
is  not  one  to  whom  she   is  altogether  consent  of 
wise  in  intrusting  her  happiness,  nor  is  theParents 
the  daughter  who  would  wholly  ignore  their  dis- 
approval likely  to  make  an  ideal  wife. 

When  two  young  persons  have  made  the  dis- 
covery that  their  supreme  happiness  depends  upon 
each  other,  a  manly  man  will  take  the  first  oppor- 
tunity to  acquaint  the  girl's  father  with  his  hopes, 
and,  making  a  full  and  frank  statement  of  his  affairs 
and  prospects,  formally  ask  his  consent  to  their 
marriage.  If  refused,  patience  and  good  conduct 
will  usually  win  over  the  most  obdurate  parent. 

The  announcement   of  an   engagement  should 
come  first  from  the  family  of  the  young  woman, 
either  verbally  and  informally  or  by  note  Announc- 
to  those  whom  they  desire  shall  receive       ing  a 
early   information   of  the   event.     The   betrothal 
young  couple  write  personal  notes  to  their  respec- 
tive relatives  and  near  friends,    who  pass  on  the 
pleasant  news  to  the  world  at  large.     The  notes 
often  mention  one  or  more  afternoons  when  the 
young  lady  will  be  at  home  to  receive  her  friends 
informally   with    her    mother.     The    prospective 
groom's  relatives  and  friends  take  this  opportunity 
of  making  her  acquaintance. 

She   wears    a    pretty,  high-necked    gown ;    tea, 
sandwiches,  and  cakes  are  served,  and  the  affair  is 
usually  a  very  charming,  merry  little  entertainment 
205 


ETIQUETTE     FOR     ALL     OCCASIONS 

The  reception  of  the  fiancee  by  the  family  of  her 
future  husband  should  be  warm  and  cordial,  and 
she  on  her  part  must  put  forth  all  her  powers  of 
pleasing  and  conciliation  to  every  member  of  it. 
Where  first  impressions  are  agreeable,  they  impose 
certain  pleasant  obligations  upon  those  who  inspire 
them  to  continue  to  live  up  to  them. 

At  news  of  a  betrothal,  friends  hasten  to  extend 

invitations  for  dinners,  theatre-parties,  and  other 

Attentions  festivities  to  the  happy  pair,  and  the  two 

and        families  interested    interchange  hospi- 

congratu-  talities,  that  of  the  young  man  taking  the 

lations      initiative. 

It  is  the  present  fashion  for  intimate  friends  to 
send  to  a  girl,  at  news  of  her  engagement,  presents 
in  the  form  of  teacups.  A  cup  of  tea  is  popularly 
supposed  to  be  one  of  the  consolations  of  spinster- 
hood.  A  teacup  would  therefore  be  an  invidious 
gift  until  after  the  engagement,  when  its  signifi- 
cance would  cease  to  wound  !  Such  was  the  ex- 
planation of  the  custom  given  by  one  young  girl, 
—  "  se  non  6  vero,  £  ben  trovato  !  " 

The  engaged  man  is  congratulated  —  but  one 
wishes  the  woman  all  happiness  —  since  the  implied 
success,  crowning  pursuit  and  effort,  is  more  prop- 
erly ascribed  to  the  man.  The  word  "  felicitation," 
used  by  the  French  under  such  circumstances, 
would  cover  all  the  ground. 

It  is  a  pity  that  the  first  flush  of  happiness  should 
be  marred  by  the  knowledge  that  one  is  the  object 
of  scrutiny  and  comment.  The  girls  ask,  "  Does 
206 


ENGAGEMENTS 


she  seem  happy?  "  "  Is  he  much  in  love?  "  and  the 
men  in  careless  but  pithy  phrases  pronounce  judg- 
ment  according   to    their    light.      The  Accepting 
newly  engaged,  subjected  to  this  fire  of  congratu- 
curiosity  and   criticism,  must   carefully     latlons 
guard  their  behavior  in  public.     It  is  quite  pos- 
sible for  a  girl  to  be  very  happy  without  making 
an    exhibition    of  her  bliss  to  every  chance  per- 
son who  refers  to  her  engagement.     A  man  some- 
times,   in    receiving  congratulations,    attempts   to 
cover  his  natural  embarrassment  by  a  would-be 
facetiousness  that  is  in  wretched  taste.     A  warm 
hand-clasp,  an  earnest  "  Thank  you "  suffice  for 
acknowledgment. 

The  ring  is  given  when  the  engagement  is  an- 
nounced, or  at   least  it  is  then  openly  worn,  its 

choice    depending    upon    the   taste    or 

~     i  .  The  ring 

means  of  the  giver,     rasnion  dictates  a 

solitaire  diamond  or  that  stone  in  combination  with 
another  gem.  An  inscription  within  its  circle 
should  add  much  to  its  value. 

The  lovers  are  seen  often  together  in  public,  as 
they  are  not    supposed  to  care  for   gayety  apart 

from    each    other.      They   should    not 

,         ,  ,  .  1.1-      Behavior 

make  themselves  conspicuous  by  their    -n      blic 

mutual  devotion.     A  clever  man,  criti- 
icising  a  recent   novel  in  which    the  love-scenes 
were  very  impassioned,  remarked  that  "  the  reader 
feels  himself  '  de  trop  ' !  "     It    describes  the  sen- 
sation of  others  when  lovers  in  their  presence  are 
too  conscious  of  one  another. 
207 


ETIQUETTE     FOR     ALL      OCCASIONS 

On  the  other  hand,  neglect,  indifference,  or  a 
too  evident  interest  in  another,  is  the  unpardon- 
able sin  in  an  engaged  man  or  woman.  It  is 
"  lese  majeste  "  to  love,  and  the  traitors  are  visited 
with  the  universal  reprobation  that  they  deserve. 
The  French  say,  "  II  y  a  toujours  un  qui  aime,  et 
un  qui  se  laisse  aimer,"  but  it  must  not  be 
apparent. 

It  is  usual  for  the  lovers  to  spend  their  even- 
ings together,  but  when  the  engagement  promises 
to  be  a  long  one,  the  girl's  parents  often,  wisely, 
premise  that  two  or  three  evenings  in  the  week 
shall  suffice.  "  Short  commons  "  have  usually  the 
effect  of  adding  zest  to  a  pleasure. 

There  is  much  difference  of  opinion  about  long 

and  short  engagements, 
and  short       Many  persons  prefer  not  to  announce 

engage-     their  engagement  until  there  is  a  pros- 

ments  pect  of  the  marriage  taking  place  within 
a  year,  since  fashion  prescribes  not  more  than 
that  interval;  but  Fashion  is  a  meddler  in  what 
concerns  her  not,  and  should  be  severely  snubbed 
if  she  urges  any  claim  to  a  hearing  in  matters  of 
real  importance. 

Those  who  advocate  short  engagements  quote 
the  old  saw,  "  Happy  the  wooing  that 's  not  long 
a-doing,"  and  usually,  failing  real  argument,  fall 
back  on  predilection  and  prejudice.  Surely,  if 
there  are  unpleasant  revelations  of  character  to 
be  made,  wiser  is  it  to  make  their  discovery  while 
withdrawal  from  the  bond  is  yet  possible. 
208 


ENGAGEMENTS 


The  period  of  engagement  is  a  time  of  test,  and 
where  financial  considerations  only  impose  delay, 
it  is  often  very  evident  that  the  waiting  time  has 
not  been  wasted  time.  The  sense  of  responsibility, 
the  working  and  planning  for  the  new  home  to- 
gether, and  the  self-denial  it  entails,  deepen  and 
develop  the  lover's  manliest  qualities;  the  girl 
learns  with  ardor  and  practical  interest  the  house- 
wifely arts  and  small  economies,  felt  to  be  burden- 
some before ;  while  in  the  desire  to  be  all  that 
they  seem  to  each  other,  love  works  its  most  gra- 
cious miracles. 

The  chief  objections  to  long  engagements  are 
experienced  by  the  young  woman's  family.  The 
selfish  absorption  of  the  lovers  in  each  The  fian 
other,  the  ignoring  of  all  other  claims 
arouses  jealousy  and  resentment,  and  plants  the 
seeds  of  dislike.  The  lover  must  remember  that 
he  is  a  new  claimant  for  what  has  hitherto  belonged 
exclusively  to  others,  and  that  even  yet  their  rights 
take  precedence.  His  conduct  should  show  his 
recognition  of  this  fact,  and  his  welcome  will  be  the 
more  cordial  if  he  is  not  too  lavish  of  his  society. 

The  unpopularity  of  the  son-in-law  often  origi- 
nates with  the  lover.  Politeness  lies  deeply  under 
the  surface ;  the  heart  must  be  well  bred,  or  it  be- 
trays itself. 

Meantime  the  daughter,  sister,  fiancee        The 

fiancee 
has  before  her  a  greater  problem  than 

Solomon's  with  the   babies,  for   she  must  divide 
herself  so  wisely  as  to    make  each  of  her  joint- 
14  209 


ETIQUETTE     FOR     ALL     OCCASIONS 

proprietors  believe  that  he  or  she  has  the  "  larger 
half"! 

She  must  be  wise  and  tactful  not  to  arouse 
jealousy,  —  rivals  are  seldom  friends,  —  and  in  her 
relations  with  her  lover  let  her  remember  that 
nothing  so  whets  appreciation  of  anything  as  not 
to  have  all  that  we  want. 

A  young  woman  who  was  criticised  for  prolong- 
ing her  engagement  laughingly  replied :  "  Oh,  I 
know  when  I  am  well  off.  I  have  always  noticed 
that  before  marriage  the  man  is  all  eagerness 
to  please  the  woman,  but  when  they  are  mar- 
ried, presto !  all  is  changed,  and  the  anxiety  is 
transferred !  " 

An  Italian  woman  once  pathetically  remarked  : 
"  Bee-fore  'e  marry  weeth-a-me,  'e  want  kees-a- 
ground  where  I  walk.  After,  'e  treat-a-me  like-a- 
was  hees  donkey !  "  She  was  a  believer  in  long 
engagements. 

Engaged  couples  might  be  interested  to  learn 
that  young  persons  in  their  condition  in  early 

colonial    times    were    reduced    to    the 
Engage- 
ments in    necessity   of  using    a  "  courting-stick," 

colonial  which  was  a  hollow  tube,  eight  feet  long, 
through  which  lovers,  in  the  presence 
of  the  assembled  family,  could  whisper  tender 
messages,  unheard  by  the  rest,  —  the  telephone's 
earliest  development.  One  is  still  preserved  at 
Long  Meadow,  Massachusetts. 

An  engaged  girl  should  accept  from  her  lover 
only   such   gifts,   beyond   the   usual    flowers   and 
210 


ENGAGEMENTS 


bonbons,  as  might  be  returned  uninjured  should 

the  engagement  be  broken,  since  such 

urn  Gifts 

calamity  sometimes  befalls. 

A  chaperon  is    still  demanded  by  convention. 
Nothing  is  worse  form  than  for  an  engaged  couple 
to  travel  together  or  to  go  alone  to  the 
theatre    in    the    evening,  though    they 
may  drive  in  an  open  carriage,  unchap- 
eroned.     So  says  Madam  Grundy,  who,  however, 
sometimes    admits    exceptional    and  extenuating 
circumstances. 


211 


Chapter    Fourteenth —WEDDING 

PREPARATIONS  AND  PRELIMINARIES 

>IFE  is  set  to  a  merry  tune  during 
the  weeks  preceding  a  wedding  to 
those  who  are  to  take  the  leading 
r61es,  provided  always  that  their 
hearts  are  making  melody,  since 
love  is  the  key-note  that  unlocks  the  music.  All 
the  world  turns  a  smiling  face.  Family  and  friends 
enter  into  loving  conspiracy  to  make  the  time  a 
happy  one.  The  home-faces  were  never  so  tender, 
and  love's  idealizing  faculty  persuades  the  young 
couple  that  each  has  won  the  gem  of  human  kind 
and  paints  the  future  one  prolonged  honeymoon. 

It  is  no  wonder  that  girls  look  forward  and 
women  look  back  to  these  halcyon  days. 

A  wedding  may  be  either  formal  or  simple. 
Both  are  equally  honorable,  and  the  observance  of 
the  etiquette  that  is  sanctioned  by  custom  or  pre- 
scribed by  fashion  is  altogether  optional. 

A  church  wedding  is  the  one  most  in  favor  with 
those  having  a  large  circle  of  friends.  The  conse- 
crated edifice  seems,  to  some,  to  hallow  the  rite ; 
others,  believing  that  God  is  everywhere  present, 
feel  that  the  atmosphere  of  home  is  fraught  with 
special  blessing  and  prefer  a  house  wedding. 

212 


WEDDING    PREPARATIONS 

The  former  stately  ceremonial  is  the  typical, 
fashionable  wedding  of  to-day,  and  as  such,  we 
will  consider  the  preparations  and  preliminaries 
usually  observed,  in  the  order  in  which  they  would 
claim  attention. 

All  the  expenses  of  a  wedding  are  as-  Wedding 
sumed   by  the  bride's    family,  —  cards,   exPenses 
carriages    for  the  bridal    party,  floral  decorations 
at  house  and  church,  music,  sexton's  services  — 
everything. 

The  bridegroom's  first  privilege  is  to  pay  the 
clergyman's  fee  when  the  bride  has  become  his 
wife.  Occasionally  he  pays  the  organist  and  the 
sexton,  thereby  asserting  independence  of  conven- 
tional etiquette. 

A  well-known  writer  says  that  in  early  and 
savage  times  a  man  carried  off  his  bride  by  force, 
and  there  still  lingers  some  faint  trace  of  the  idea 
that  the  groom  is  a  sort  of  "  friendly  enemy  "  who 
comes  to  rob  a  loving  and  jealous  family  of  a  cher- 
ished object,  and  may  therefore  assume  no  privi-. 
leges  of  ownership.  In  England  the  only  carriage 
furnished  by  the  groom  at  his  wedding  is  the  one 
in  which  he  drives  his  wife  away  to  spend  the 
honeymoon.  In  this  country  the  same  rule  gen- 
erally prevails. 

It  is  the  bride's  prerogative  to  name  the  wed- 
ding day.  When  this  has  been  decided  upon 
careful  lists  are  made  of  the  entire  acquaintance 
of  both  families,  that  none  may  be  overlooked 
in  the  invitations,  which  should  be  ordered  at 
213 


ETIQUETTE     FOR     ALL     OCCASIONS 

least  a  month  in   advance  of  the  time  for  their 
sending. 

Sometimes,  for  economy's  sake,  instead  of  having 
the  invitations  directed  at  the  engraver's  or  in- 
trusted to  other  agency,  the  bride-elect  makes  the 
addressing  of  them  an  occasion  for  a  pleasant 
gathering  of  her  intimate  friends,  who  all  take  part. 

June    strews   the  pathway  of  every  bride  with 
The  time   roses»  anc^  scatters  sunshine  so  lavishly 

for  the  that  it  is  no  wonder  that  the  flowery 
wedding  month  has  always  been  thought  propi- 
tious for  weddings.  There  has  long  been  a  foolish 
prejudice  against  marrying  in  May,  but  all  such 
superstitions  are  fast  disappearing,  —  our  heaven 
has  a  Father  in  it.  October's  golden  days  make 
that  month  a  favorite  for  weddings. 

The  most  fashionable  hour  for  the  ceremony  is 
"  high  noon,"  according  to  English  precedent, 
but  any  reasonable  hour  of  the  twenty-four  may  be 
selected.  The  time  between  three  and  five  o'clock 
of  the  afternoon  offers  the  advantages  of  more 
leisure  for  preparation,  the  greater  convenience  for 
the  attendance  of  the  guests,  and  a  more  easily 
conducted  entertainment  after  the  rite. 

The  English  custom  of  appointing  the  hour  of 
noon  for  weddings  has  a  lamentable  origin.  At 
the  time  of  its  institution  the  early  hour  insured 
the  sobriety  of  the  bridegroom ;  later  in  the  day 
he  might  not  be  responsible  for  his  promises ! 

Church,  clergyman,  all  the  details  of  the  wed- 
ding are  left  to  the  choice  of  the  bride. 
214 


•WEDDING    PREPARATIONS 

It  is  the  present  fashion  to  have  from  four  to 
eight   bridesmaids,    as    many   ushers,    a   maid   of 
honor,  a  best  man,  and  sometimes  one   choosing 
or  two  little  girls  — young  enough  to  be        the 
unconsciously  graceful  —  who  carry  bas-  attendants 
kets  of  flowers  and  scatter  blossoms  in  the  bride's 
pathway  as  they  precede  her  up  the  aisle. 

The  prospective  bride  selects  her  bridesmaids 
from  among  her  intimate  girl  friends  and  relatives, 
and  usually  includes  one  or  more  sisters  of  the  bride- 
groom. The  maid  of  honor  is  always  a  sister  of  the 
bride  or  her  dearest  friend,  as  the  best  man  is  either 
the  bridegroom's  own  brother  or  the  friend  of  his 
heart.  The  ushers  are  chosen  from  among  the 
close  friends  of  both.  The  invitation  may  be  given 
either  by  note  or  verbally  without  formality, 
and  should  never  be  refused  without  excellent 
reason. 

About   a  week  before  the    marriage  the  bride- 
elect  gives  a  dinner  to  her  bridesmaids,       The 
at   which   sometimes   the   groom,  best     brides- 
man,  and  ushers  are  present,  but  oftener     ^ner 
the  function  is  sacred  to  girlhood. 

Anything  is  welcomed  that  promotes  fun  and 
frolic,  and  all  the  innocent  old  superstitions  are 
revived.  A  huge  cake  is  brought  in  with  the  ices 
at  the  close  of  the  feast,  containing  a  ring,  coin, 
and  thimble,  the  chance  recipients  of  which  are 
supposed  to  be  destined  by  fortune  for  marriage, 
wealth,  or  single  blessedness.  The  decorations  of 
the  table  are  usually  pink,  —  suggestive  of  rosy 
215 


ETIQUETTE     FOR     ALL     OCCASIONS 

visions  of  the  future,  —  the  favorite  flowers  brides- 
maid's roses  with  maidenhair  fern.  Many  substi- 
tute a  luncheon  for  a  dinner. 

The  young  woman  takes  this  opportunity  to 
present  her  souvenirs  to  her  bridesmaids.  These 
are  generally  small  pieces  of  jewelry,  fans,  or  some 
pretty  trifles,  to  be  worn  at  the  wedding.  They 
should  all  be  alike.  These  mementoes  sometimes 
tax  resources  already  sufficiently  strained,  and  one 
young  woman  with  more  talent  than  money  painted 
her  own  interlaced  initials  upon  small  pink  gauze 
fans,  the  letters  formed  of  tiny  roses.  They  were 
worn  by  the  bridesmaids  suspended  at  the  side  by 
pink  satin  ribbons. 

In  earlier  and  simpler  times  in  our  country  the 
young  girls,  in  anticipation  of  their  marriage  and 
consequent  housekeeping  interests,  would  convene 
their  mates  to  a  "  quilting-party,"  where  tongues 
and  ringers  vied  in  nimbleness.  It  was  thought 
that  the  young  woman  who  set  the  last  stitch  would 
be  the  first  bride,  but  if  one  happened  to  drop 
spool,  scissors,  or  thimble,  her  chances  of  marriage 
were  lost  for  that  year. 

In  our  times  the  young  women  do  not  have  all 

the  fun.     The  expectant  groom  gives  a  bachelor 

or  "  stag  "  dinner  to  his  best  man,  ushers, 

bride-      an^    intimate  friends,   the  week  before 

groom's    his  wedding,  —  usually  in  a  private  room 

bachelor    jn  some  restaurant  of  reputation,  or  at 

his  home  or  club.     Those  who  are  to 

take  part   in  the  wedding  ceremonial    find   with 

216 


WEDDING     PREPARATIONS 

their  "  buttonholes  "  souvenirs  from  their  host,  — 
generally  in  the  form  of  scarf-pins. 

The  occasion  is  always  a  merry  one.  A  feature 
of  the  entertainment  is  the  drinking  of  the  bride's 
health,  all  standing,  after  which  each  man  breaks 
his  glass,  —  that  it  may  never  be  put  to  a  less 
honorable  use.  Economical  considerations  gener- 
ally prevail  in  the  provision  of  the  glassware  for 
this  toast.  One  does  not  advocate  a  custom  be- 
cause one  chronicles  it. 

In  a  place  and  company  where  the  bride's  name 
has  been  so  prominently  honored,  the  one  to  whom 
it  is  dear  should  see  that  merriment  does  not  de- 
generate into  anything  that  would  shock  or  wound 
her,  were  she  present  in  the  flesh. 

The  traditional  attire  for  a  bride  is  a  white  satin 
gown  of  rich  quality  —  or  silk,  if  preferred  —  the 
skirt  plain,  with  gracefully  sweeping 

train,  and   the   waist  high-necked    and .     ,  ~* 

bridal  dress 
with  long  sleeves  or  made  with  a  lace 

or  chiffon  guimpe.  It  is  trimmed  with  lace  and 
orange-blossoms  simply  or  elaborately,  according 
to  the  taste  or  means  of  the  wearer,  and  the  veil  of 
tulle  or  rich  lace  is  held  in  place  by  a  wreath  or 
spray  of  orange  blossoms.  A  wealthy  bride  is 
privileged  to  wear  a  tiara  for  the  first  time  on  her 
wedding  day,  it  not  being  a  jewel  appropriate  to 
girlhood.  Diamond  stars  of  graduated  sizes,  made 
detachable  for  wearing  in  other  ways,  is  the  favorite 
form  of  the  diadem. 

Natural  orange  blossoms  may   be  had  at  any 
217 


ETIQUETTE     FOR     ALL      OCCASIONS 

season  of  the  year,  if  they  are  ordered  of  a  florist 
two  or  three  months  in  advance  of  the  wedding, 
according  to  the  season. 

The  bride  always  wears  the  bridegroom's  gift. 
An  old  saw  prescribes  that  she  also  wear 

"  Something  old  and  something  new, 
Something  borrowed,  and  something  blue." 

The  "  blue  ribbon  of  the  garter  "  generally  satisfies 
the  latter  requirement. 

The  bride  sometimes  wears  her  veil  over  her 
face  as  she  goes  up  the  aisle,  but  returning  it  is 
thrown  back,  showing  her  happy  face  to  the  world. 

A  tulle  veil  is  not  cut  until  after  it  is  arranged 
upon  the  head,  as  it  should  reach  quite  to  the  edge 
of  the  train.  The  veil  may  be  so  arranged  that  the 
piece  that  covers  the  face  is  pinned  across  the  hair 
and  falls  to  the  waist.  This  can  be  removed  after 
the  ceremony  by  the  maid  of  honor  and  carried  on 
her  arm  out  of  the  church.  It  is  difficult  to  throw 
it  back  gracefully.  If  the  bodice  is  not  made  with 
a  guimpe,  an  extra  waist,  low-necked,  is  often 
ordered  to  be  worn  later  at  dinners.  The  dress- 
makers usually  include  a  "parure"  of  white  roses 
with  the  wedding  gown,  to  replace  the  orange 
blossoms  when  it  is  worn  after  the  marriage.  At 
an  evening  wedding  she  would  wear  a  decollete 
gown.  Fashion  now  dictates  white  Suede  gloves. 
The  left  one  is  removed  when  the  ring  is  given  and 
is  not  resumed.  Some  brides  wear  no  gloves,  the 
hand-clasp  during  the  ceremony  seeming  to  have 
more  sincerity  without  them. 
218 


WEDDING    PREPARATIONS 

The  bride's  bouquet,  the  gift  of  the  bridegroom, 
is  usually  of  orange  blossoms  or  "  bride  "  roses 
with  lilies  of  the  valley  or  white  orchids  —  a  shower 
of  blossoms  tumbling  from  it  —  the  effect  produced 
by  graduated  loops  of  narrow  ribbons,  upon  which 
at  intervals  flowers  are  fastened. 

A  white  prayer-book  sometimes  replaces  the 
bouquet,  which  the  bride  gives  to  the  clergyman, 
and  from  which  he  reads  the  service.  This  book 
often  contains  blank  pages  for  the  signatures  of 
the  clergyman  and  bridal  party. 

Some  girlish  brides  have  preferred  to  wear  white 
organdie  gowns,  very  sheer  and  fine,  trimmed  with 
a  simple  Valenciennes  lace  and  sashes  of  white 
satin  ribbon.  Such  a  gown  with  a  tulle  veil  and  a 
few  natural  flowers  in  the  hair  and  at  the  belt, 
makes  a  costume  that  in  its  sweet  simplicity  leaves 
a  picture  in  the  mind  that  one  would  not  willingly 
forget  for  the  more  elaborate  "  millinery  "  of  one  of 
Worth's  creations.  The  attendants  of  a  bride 
dressed  in  this  dainty  way  may  wear  pink  flower- 
strewn  organdies,  with  leghorn  hats  wreathed  with 
roses  or  other  flowers.  All  the  gowns  should  have 
trains. 

A  girl  who  can  have  but  two  or  three  new  frocks 
would  show  wisdom  in  being  married  in  travelling 
dress,  and  many  prefer  it,  though  sentiment  holds 
dear  a  real  wedding  gown. 

If  the    bride  wear  travelling  costume,  hat  and 
gloves  are  necessary.    She  does  not  carry  a  bouquet, 
nor   does    she    have    bridesmaids.     The  costume 
219 


ETIQUETTE     FOR     ALL     OCCASIONS 

should  be  of  cloth  or  some  other  material  suitable 
for  travelling. 

A  widow  never  wears  white,  nor  a  veil,  nor  orange 
blossoms,  but  pearl  gray  or  some  light 
Of  a       silk,  cloth,  or  velvet,  if  not  travelling  cos- 
widow-     tume.    In  either  case  she  wears  a  bonnet, 
bnde       but  may,  at  a  house  wedding,  leave  it 
off  if  she  please. 

The  bridegroom,  at  a  noon  or  afternoon  wed- 
ding, wears  a   frock   coat,  white  duck  or  piqud 
The  bride-  double-breasted      waistcoat      or      one 
groom's     matching    the    coat,    trousers   of   dark 
dress      striped    material,   patent-leather   shoes, 
gloves  and  silk  Ascot  tie  of  white  or  pearl  gray, 
and  a  large  boutonniere  of  gardenias,  pinks,  or 
other  small  white  flowers. 

At  a  wedding  celebrated  after  six  o'clock  P.  M. 
he  wears  full  evening  dress,  —  "  swallow-tail "  coat, 
low-cut  waistcoat  and  trousers  of  fine  worsted, 
or  the  waistcoat  of  duck  or  pique  double-breasted 
and  cut  so  as  to  display  a  large  expanse  of  well- 
laundered  shirt  front.  The  tie  of  lawn  immaculate 
and  freshly  tied,  standing  collar,  white  gloves, 
a  silk  hat,  and  patent-leather  shoes  complete  the 
costume.  Should  the  bride  wear  travelling  dress 
at  an  evening  wedding,  under  stress  of  circum- 
stances, he  would  wear  a  Prince  Albert  coat, 
striped  trousers,  etc.,  as  at  an  afternoon  ceremo- 
nial, or  a  cut-away  coat  and  waistcoat  of  vicuna, 
gray  trousers,  a  colored  tie,  and  tan  kid,  gray 
suede,  or  no  gloves. 

220 


•WEDDING    PREPARATIONS 

This  last  attire  would  be  appropriate  for  an 
early  morning  wedding,  necessitated  by  the  sail- 
ing of  a  steamer  or  a  long  railway  journey,  as 
sometimes  happens. 

With  informal  dress,  the  shoes  worn  would  not 
be  of  patent  leather,  but  the  soles  should  be 
blacked,  as  the  wearer,  in  kneeling,  exposes  them 
to  view. 

One  unfortunate,  having  lodged  at  a  hotel  on 
the  night  before  his  wedding,  revealed  to  the 
assembled  audience,  as  he  knelt  at  the  altar,  the 
soles  of  his  boots,  upon  which  was  a  large  chalk 
mark  indicating  the  number  of  his  room  ! 

The  bride  decides  what  the  bridesmaids'  gowns 
shall  be  and  where  they  shall  be  made.     As  these 
are    paid    for    by   the    young    women  The  brides- 
themselves,    except    in    the    case    of    maid's 
very  wealthy  and   generous   brides,   it      attire 
is  considerate  for  that  young  woman  to  choose 
colors,  models,  and  materials  that  may  be  useful 
to  the  wearers  after  the  occasion  has  passed  for 
which  the  costumes  are  designed. 

To  secure  uniformity,  as  well  as  in  the  interest 
of  economy,  the  same  dressmaker  generally  makes 
them  all,  the  price  being  agreed  upon  with  the 
bride. 

Bridesmaids,  as  a  rule,  wear  light  gowns,  each 
couple,  generally  all,  in  the  same  color,  contrast- 
ing prettily  with  that  of  the  bride.  They  carry 
large  bouquets  of  flowers  that  correspond  in 
shade  with  their  costumes. 

221 


ETIQUETTE     FOR     ALL     OCCASIONS 

The  maid  of  honor  wears  a  gown  of  a  different 
color  from  that  of  the  bridesmaids,  not  infrequently 
combining  the  shade  of  theirs  with  the  white  of 
the  bridal  attire.  It  is  always  distinguished  from 
the  rest  by  a  somewhat  greater  elegance. 

A  matron  of  honor  may  replace  the  maid,  should 
the  favorite  sister  or  friend  of  the  bride  be  a  mar- 
ried woman. 

All  wear  hats  and  gloves.  St.  Paul  is  respon- 
sible for  the  fashion  forbidding  a  woman  to  enter 
a  church  with  uncovered  head,  —  for  in  his  time 
and  country  no  modest  woman  would  be  seen  in 
public  without  a  veil  or  head-covering.  It  some- 
times, happens  when  a  much  beloved  friend  whom 
the  bride  desires  to  include  among  her  brides- 
maids is  wearing  mourning,  that  it  is  discarded 
merely  for  the  occasion,  —  a  marriage  being  a 
religious  rite  and  not  a  social  function. 

The   best  man  and  ushers  dress  as  nearly  as 
possible  like  the  groom, — wearing  large  bouton- 
The  dress  m^res  sent  them  by  the  bride,  and  the 
of  the  best  gloves  and  tie  provided  by  the  bride- 
man  and    groom,    as    well    as    the    sleeve-links, 
ushers     scarf_pin>    or    whatever    his    gift    may 
have  been.     Should  the  ushers'  attire  differ  from 
that   of  the    groom   in  trifling   particulars,  these 
gentlemen  should  agree  to  dress  as  nearly  alike 
as  they  may. 

Their   hats    are  cared   for  by  the  sexton's   as- 
sistant at  the  church,  and  given  to  them   in   the 
vestibule  as  they  leave  the  building. 
222 


WEDDING    PREPARATIONS 

The  bride's  mother  wears  visiting  or  reception 
costume  of  an  elegance  suited  to  her  means  and 
station,   and   her  young  sisters,  pretty  The  attire 
high-necked     frocks   with     picturesque      of  the 
hats.     No    mourning    garb    is    permis-     bride's 
sible  among  the  wedding  party.      The 
bride's  widowed  mother  would  lay  hers  aside,  to 
resume  it  after  the  wedding.     Pale  gray,  mauve, 
or  black  and  white  in  combination  are  the  colors 
generally  chosen. 

The  bridegroom's  duties  before  the  wedding  are 
to  call  upon  the  clergyman  to  bespeak  his  ser- 
vices and  secure  the  marriage  license.  „ 

The  duties 
At  a  fashionable  wedding  last   spring       and 

the  bridegroom  overlooked  this  matter   expenses 
and  the  clergyman  inquired  if  he  had      of  the 
the    license    as  the    bridal    procession 
was  coming  up  the  aisle.     The  minister  would  not 
or  could  not  perform  the  ceremony  without  it,  and 
the  bride  and  her  guests  waited  two  hours  while 
the  bridegroom  and  his  best  man  went  in  search 
of  the  legal  document ! 

The  bridegroom  has,  properly,  no  expenses  at 
his  wedding  but  the  ring,  the  clergyman's  fee, 
the  carriages  sent  to  convey  the  ushers  to  and 
from  the  church,  the  one  in  which  he  and  his 
best  man  drive  to  the  church  and  which  takes 
the  latter  to  the  bride's  house  after  the  ceremony, 
and  finally  the  carriage  in  which  he  drives  with 
his  wife  from  her  late  home  after  the  reception, 
en  route  for  the  place  of  their  honeymoon.  He 
223 


ETIQUETTE     FOR     ALL     OCCASIONS 

conforms  to  custom,  however,  when,  besides  his 
gift  to  the  bride,  he  provides  her  bouquet  and 
those  of  the  bridesmaids,  and  souvenirs  for  his 
best  man  and  ushers. 

He  also  furnishes  the  gloves  and  ties  worn  by 
these  gentlemen  at  the  wedding.  The  best  man 
makes  the  necessary  inquiries  about  the  sizes  of 
the  gloves,  and  attends  to  the  commission  or 
directs  some  men's  furnishing  firm  to  do  so  and 
supply  the  requirement.  The  articles  are  sent  to 
the  men's  houses,  or  done  up  in  boxes  tied  with 
white  ribbons  and  placed  at  their  covers  at  the 
farewell  bachelor  dinner.  If  the  best  man  come 
as  a  stranger  to  the  place,  especially  to  give  his 
services,  the  bridegroom  often  fills  the  place  of 
his  host,  and  if  both  are  to  travel  together  to 
some  distant  place  for  the  wedding,  the  groom 
would  pay  the  travelling  expenses,  if  permitted 
to  do  so. 

The  amount  of  the  clergyman's  fee  is  entirely  a 
matter  of  option  with  the  bridegroom,  —  after 
consultation  with  his  pocket.  The  poorest  would 
not  give  less  than  five  dollars,  and  the  wealthiest 
rarely  more  than  a  hundred. 

The  money  or  check  is  placed  in  an  envelope 
and  entrusted  to  the  best  man. 

If  more  than  one  clergyman  officiates  at  the 
ceremony,  each  should  receive  a  recognition  of 
his  services.  In  the  case  where  a  near  relative 
assists  in  tying  the  knot,  a  gift  would  replace  the 
fee. 

224 


"WEDDING    PREPARATIONS 

Before  the  wedding  cards  are  issued,  the  church 
should  be  engaged  and  the  sexton  instructed  to 
arrange    for   the   awning,    carpet,    etc.,    pre 
and  for  men  to  be  at  the  door  of  the  tions  for  a 
canvas-covered  passage  to  keep  it  free     church 
from    the    idlers   who    throng    out   of  weddin& 
curiosity,    to    open    the    carriage    doors    (giving 
checks  to  identify  the   vehicles),  and   to   receive 
from   the    guests   the    presentation   cards   before 
they  enter  the  church.     The  white  ribbon,  to  be 
stretched  across  or  along  the  aisle,  and  the  cush- 
ions for  the  bridal  pair  to  kneel  upon,  must  be 
provided. 

The  organist  should  be  advised  of  what  selec- 
tions to  play,  and  the  florists  instructed  about  the 
decorations  of  church  and  house. 

Carriages  are  to  be  engaged  for  the  bridal 
party  and  for  the  members  of  the  bride's  family. 
Those  belonging  to  that  of  the  bridegroom  assume 
their  own  obligations.  At  a  country  wedding 
carriages  meet  all  the  guests  upon  the  arrival  of 
the  train  conveying  them  from  town. 

All  who  are  invited  to  take  part  in  the  wedding 
ceremonial  send  presents  to  the  bride.  Occa- 
sionally the  best  man  makes  his  gift  to 
the  bridegroom,  where  some  personal 


taste  of  his  may  be  especially  gratified,      bridal 
but  something  that  both  may  use  and  attendants 
appreciate  is  the  better  choice. 

All  should  endeavor  to  be  present  at  the  re- 
hearsal,   and   sink   all    personal    preferences   and 
15  225 


ETIQUETTE  FOR  ALL  OCCASIONS 

considerations  in  furthering  the  wishes  of  the 
bride. 

The  best  man,  as  before  stated,  attends  to  the 
groom's  commission  for  the  gloves  and  neckties 
of  his  attendants.  He  is  that  gentleman's  repre- 
sentative, and  makes  himself  generally  useful 
whenever  the  occasion  offers  ;  but  his  chief  duties, 
like  those  of  the  maid  of  honor,  ushers,  and  brides- 
maids, do  not  begin  until  the  wedding  day  arrives. 

Presents  are  sent  at  any  time  after  it  is  known 

that  the  date  has  been  fixed  for  the  wedding,  but 

the    receipt   of    the    invitations   is   the 

*Tp« 

general  signal  for  their  offering.     They 
bridal  gifts  &  J 

should  be  marked  with  the  initials  of 
the  bride's  maiden  name,  and  are  generally  sent 
from  the  shop  where  they  are  bought,  with  the 
giver's  card,  upon  which  a  few  congratulatory 
words  may  be  written  or  not,  as  one  please. 

It  is  by  no  means  obligatory  for  all  invited 
guests  to  send  presents.  Such  a  custom  would 
be  merely  a  social  tax.  Persons  of  any  delicacy 
would  deprecate  duty-presents,  and  would  justly 
hesitate  to  send  invitations,  if  they  represented  a 
covert  demand  for  gifts. 

To  those  asked  to  the  church  ceremony  only, 
there  rests  no  obligation,  though  they  are  privi- 
leged to  send  a  small  gift  if  they  please.  Occa- 
sionally they  send  a  bouquet  to  the  bride  on  the 
wedding  morning  with  a  card  of  congratulation. 

No  one  should  be  deterred  from  sending  a 
simple  gift,  because  it  does  not  represent  money 
226 


WEDDING    PREPARATIONS 

value.  Some  small  convenience  that  will  often 
be  a  reminder  of  the  giver  fulfils  the  best  mission 
of  a  gift,  and  such  as  owe  their  value  to  the  per- 
sonal industry  of  a  friend  should  be  especially 
appreciated. 

The  fact  of  being  in  mourning  or  travelling 
abroad  does  not  exempt  one  from  the  courteous 
obligation  of  sending  a  small  remembrance,  if 
one  would  be  present  at  the  wedding  under  other 
circumstances. 

There  are  always  some  foolishly  chosen  gifts 
and  probably  several  duplicates,  but,  without  the 
suggestion  or  permission  of  the  giver,  it  is  incon- 
siderate to  exchange  them,  subordinating  senti- 
ment to  a  most  mercenary  spirit.  A  bride  of 
last  summer  is  known  to  have  taken  many  of 
her  presents  to  the  silversmith's  where  they  were 
made,  and,  asking  credit  for  their  value,  proceeded 
to  select  whatever  took  her  fancy.  Probably  the 
most  welcome  gift  takes  the  form  of  a  check  with 
which  to  purchase  what  others  have  omitted  to 
offer,  to  gratify  some  special  desire,  or  to  lay 
aside  for  future  need  or  emergency.  Of  course 
only  the  families  of  the  bride  and  groom  are  privi- 
leged to  have  their  gifts  take  such  form.  The 
wherewithal  for  a  wedding  trip  abroad  was  the 
pleasant  offering  of  the  father  of  one  young 
bridegroom. 

Where  a  present  is  sent  from  a  man  and  his 
wife,  their  joint  card  should  accompany  it.  Such 
gifts  as  are  intended  for  the  bridegroom  should, 
227 


ETIQUETTE     FOR     ALL     OCCASIONS 

of  course,  be  sent  to  his  home.  A  belated  present 
is  not  unwelcome,  but  should  not  be  sent  without 
a  brief  note  of  apology  and  explanation. 

A  widow-bride  spares  her  friends  the  obliga- 
tion for  any  but  the  most  spontaneous  expressions 
of  good  will,  and  commonly  only  the  two  families 
interested  and  intimate  friends  send  presents. 

The  bride  should  write  promptly  a  graceful  note 

of  thanks  to   each   person  who    has   sent   her  a 

T          present,  whether   she   knows   them    or 

bride's     not.      The  wording   should    be    enthu- 

thanks  for  siastic,  and  the  note  should  refer  to  the 

her  gi  ts    gj^  jn  some  way?  that  the  giver  may 

feel  that  it  is  a  personal  one  and  not  a  duplicate 
of  many  others. 

Some  mention  of  the  groom's  name,  associating 
him  with  her  pleasure,  is  in  good  taste. 

The  gifts  are  dazzling  and  delightful  at  first, 
but  the  array  often  becomes  bewildering,  and 
memory  plays  the  ungrateful  trick  of  sometimes 
severing  gift  and  giver.  It  is  wise  to  enter  in  a 
blank  book  the  names  of  all  who  have  sent  pres- 
ents, and  opposite  to  each  to  paste  a  number  and 
attach  its  duplicate  to  the  gift  itself  in  some  in- 
conspicuous place.  These  books  with  numbers 
are  published. 

The  fashion  of  sending  wedding  gifts  was  begun 

Displaying  m  tn^s  country  by  New  York's  Dutch 

the        progenitors,  by  giving  the  young  couple 

presents    their   household    outfit   and    a   sum    of 
money  with  which  to  begin  their  housekeeping. 
228 


WEDDING    PREPARATIONS 

The  question  of  displaying  the  gifts  or  not  must 
be  left  to  individual  choice  and  taste.  It  is  a 
recent  fashion  to  invite  friends,  especially  includ- 
ing those  who  have  sent  presents,  to  come  and 
see  them,  on  some  day  set  apart  shortly  before 
the  wedding,  if  they  are  not  to  be  displayed  at 
the  reception.  A  few  words  written  on  a  visiting- 
card  by  the  bride's  mother  bid  them  come  at  the 
hour  for  afternoon  tea. 

The  presents,  from  which  the  cards  have  been 
withdrawn,  are  generally  placed  upon  tables, 
covered  with  white  cloths  and  ornamented  with 
a  few  flowers  —  set  around  an  upstairs  room. 
The  furniture  is  removed,  so  that  confusion  may 
be  avoided  to  the  people  passing  in  and  out. 
The  simplest  gifts  should  be  so  placed  that 
their  givers  shall  feel  that  they  are  treated  with 
consideration. 

In  choosing  the  trousseau,  one  is  influenced  of 
course  by  the  depth  of  the  purse,  but  good  taste 
as  well  as  good  sense  deprecates  the 

accumulation    of    great    quantities    of 

trousseau 

clothes.  Fashions  change,  and  many  a 
wife  has  regretted  the  possession  of  an  over- 
supply  of  frocks  a  little  "  d£mod6es "  that  will 
not  wear  out,  and  of  lingerie  grown  yellow  and 
frail  that  gratified  her  ambition  as  a  bride. 
Things  that  do  not  change  with  the  turn  of 
fashion's  tide  make,  with  ample  provision  for 
the  coming  season,  a  sensible  trousseau.  The 
wedding  dress  answers  for  an  evening  gown  for 
229 


ETIQUETTE     FOR     ALL     OCCASIONS 

three  months,  but  if  it  is  trimmed  with  orange 
blossoms  they  must  be  replaced  by  white  roses 
or  other  flowers.  Worth  and  Paquin  always  put 
a  parure  of  white  roses  in  the  box  with  a  wedding 
frock.  The  bride's  travelling  costume  should  be 
quiet  and  inconspicuous,  that  her  new  condition 
may  not  be  advertised  to  every  stranger.  House- 
hold linen  in  moderate  quantity  is  often  included 
in  the  trousseau. 

In  the  words  of  a  young  negro  who  announced 

his  approaching   nuptials  with  great   pride,  "  De 

The        weddin'  am  at  de  church,  but  de  nour- 

wedding    ishments,  dey  takes  place  at  de  home 

feast       ob  de  bride." 

The  wedding  feast  is  generally  entrusted  to  a 
caterer,  unless  the  repast  is  a  very  modest  one. 
He  will  supply  everything,  if  desired,  —  silver, 
china,  linen,  candelabra,  flowers,  waiters,  cook 
and  assistants,  awning,  carpet,  and  men  to  open 
carriage  and  house  doors,  or  he  will  furnish  only 
what  is  wanted.  As  the  orders  must  be  given 
before  the  wedding  day,  we  may  appropriately 
consider  the  subject  here. 

An  afternoon  wedding  is  followed  by  a  re- 
ception, at  which  the  guests  are  served  as  at  any 
afternoon  reception  from  a  large  table  in  the 
dining-room  decorated  elaborately  with  flowers 
lights,  and  dainty  edibles  temptingly  displayed. 
The  menu  varies  according  to  the  number  of  the 
guests  and  the  means  of  the  host.  The  usual 
order  includes  bouillon,  hot  oysters,  croquettes, 
230 


WEDDING    PREPARATIONS 

salads,  sandwiches,  ices,  cake,  bonbons,  lemonade, 
punch,  coffee ;  but  this  can  be  indefinitely  ex- 
tended with  birds  and  other  game,  terrapin,  wines, 
etc.,  or  curtailed  to  meet  the  necessary  limitations. 
A  glass  of  sherry  and  a  bit  of  cake  have  alone 
been  offered  at  many  a  wedding. 

The  one  feature  of  a  wedding  repast  which  is 
indispensable  is  the  traditional  wedding  cake.     It 
is    now  packed   in    small   white  boxes       The 
tied  up  with  white  ribbons  and  further    wedding 
decorated   with   the    interlaced   initials  e 

of  bride  and  bridegroom.  These  are  heaped  high 
upon  a  table  in  the  hall-way  from  which  the 
guests  help  themselves  as  they  leave  the  house 
after  the  reception,  or  a  servant  hands  a  box  to 
each. 

A  goodly  slice  is  often  put  away  in  a  tin  box 
sealed,  for  the  bridal  couple  to  open  on  some 
future  anniversary  when  it  will  be  found  almost 
as  fresh  as  on  the  wedding  day. 

A   breakfast   is   the   form   of  festivity,    chosen 
either  when  the  wedding  guests  represent  but  a 
few  relatives  and  near  friends  or  when       The 
the  bride's  parents  have  sufficient  wealth    wedding 
to  enable  them  to  entertain  many  guests  breakfast 
at  a  time  with  taste  and  elegance.     It  of  course 
follows  a  noon  wedding. 

The   first   is   a   simple,   friendly   little   feast   to 

which   the   givers  may  be  laws  unto  themselves. 

It  may  consist  of  raw  oysters  and  bouillon  or  hot 

oysters,    sandwiches    and   salad,    ices,   cakes,  and 

231 


ETIQUETTE     FOR      ALL     OCCASIONS 

coffee,  with  some  punch  in  which  to  pledge  the 
bride  and  bridegroom. 

The  fashionable  wedding  breakfast  is  served  in 
courses  at  many  small  tables  by  a  corps  of  men- 
servants,  an  accomplished  caterer  supplying  the 
daintiest  of  repasts.  Each  table  has  its  centre- 
piece of  flowers  and  complete  service.  In  the 
centre  or  at  one  end  of  the  room  a  table  larger 
than  the  rest,  decorated  profusely  with  only  white 
flowers,  is  reserved  for  the  bridal  party. 

The  usual  menu  consists  of  fruit,  raw  oysters, 
bouillon,  fish  or  lobster  in  some  fancy  form,  an 
entree,  birds  and  salad,  ices,  cakes,  bonbons  and 
coffee.  The  amount  and  variety  of  the  wines 
depend  upon  circumstances,  but  often  cham- 
pagne alone  is  served.  Even  at  very  modest 
wedding  feasts  enough  champagne  or  sherry  in 
which  to  toast  the  newly  married  couple  is  com- 
monly expected. 

The  drawing-rooms  are  made  gay  with  palms 
and  flowers,  the  former  commonly  hired  for  the 

Decora-  occasi°n-  K  tastefully  disposed,  flower- 
tionsofthe  ing  plants  are  more  effective  than  cut 
rooms  and  flowers  and  far  less  costly. 

The  place  where  the  bridal  pair  are 
to  stand  is  indicated  by  flowers  and  plants  in 
greater  profusion  than  elsewhere  or  is  alone  in 
being  so  decorated. 

If  the  ceremony  take  place  at  home,  a  space  is 
sometimes     enclosed    to    represent    a    miniature 
chapel  with  chancel  rail  made  of  foliage  with  gate 
232 


WEDDING    PREPARATIONS 

or  door  and  carpeted  with  white  fur  rugs,  the  aisle 
marked  off  with  white  ribbons,  or  a  bow-window 
is  turned  into  a  bower.  The  fashion  for  "set 
pieces  "  has  gone  by,  and  we  now  decry  the  taste 
that  prescribed  the  stiff  floral  arches  and  wedding 
bells. 

One  or  two  kinds  of  flowers  in  masses  give  a 
more  artistic  effect  than  many  varieties  in  com- 
bination, —  those  in  season  permitting  prodigality. 

People  unable  or  unwilling  to  have  expensive 
decorations  may  rest  assured  that  few  notice  the 
absence  of  things  which,  if  present,  would  naturally 
challenge  admiration.  Flowers  are  so  perishable 
that  they  allow  little  time  for  experiment  or  un- 
certain handling,  but  any  one  of  ordinary  taste 
may  dispose  them  simply  and  naturally  about 
the  rooms,  and  the  effect  is  often  more  pleasing 
than  when  the  effort  after  elaborate  decoration  is 
apparent. 

Simplicity  is  an  essential  part  of  a  good  back- 
ground, and  it  must  not  be  forgotten  that  the 
bride  is  the  central  ornament  in  the  decorative 
scheme,  and  the  guests  should  not  receive  the 
impression  that  they  are  attending  a  flower  show. 

In  the  church  a  few  palms  may  be  massed 
about  the  chancel  and  large  clusters  of  white 
flowers,  placed  at  the  entrance  of  the  pews  re- 
served for  the  families  of  the  bride  and  groom, 
or  there  may  be  a  succession  of  floral  arches  and 
torches  of  flowers  ornamenting  every  pew.  As 
to  the  cost,  a  hundred  dollars  or  half  that  sum 
233 


ETIQUETTE     FOR     ALL      OCCASIONS 

expended  will  make  a  very 'pretty  showing  in  a 
small  church,  and  a  thousand  can  easily  be  spent 
in  decorating  a  large  one  for  "  the  little  ten-minute 
service  of  brief  words  and  endless  consequences." 
At  a  home  wedding  or  at  the  church,  cushions 
for  the  bride  and  groom  to  kneel  upon  must  not 
be  forgotten.  They  are  often  covered  with  white 
satin,  further  encased  in  sheerest  lawn  upon  which 
the  initials  are  worked.  As  these  covers  are  wash- 
able, the  pillows  are  found  useful  afterwards. 

Music   is    usually    furnished,  —  the    orchestra 
screened  by  plants. 

A  rehearsal  of  the  ceremonial  is  held  shortly 
before  the  day  appointed  for  the  wedding,  when 
The        every    detail    of   the    procession    and 
wedding    grouping   of    the   bridal    party    in   the 
rehearsal   chancei  js  considered.     If  it  is  to  be  a 
church  wedding,  the  organist  should  be  present. 
The  sexton  expects  no  gratuity  for  opening  the 
church.     It  is  included  in  the  wedding  fee,  which 
is  usually  ten,  twenty-five,  or  fifty  dollars.     Some- 
times it  is  felt  that  more  than  one  rehearsal  will 
be  necessary,  and  the  time  chosen  is  that  which 
best  suits  the    convenience    of  the   bridal  party. 
A  little  luncheon,  dinner,  or  supper  usually  follows 
the  meeting  at  the  home  of  the  bride. 
s          _        It  may  not  be  superfluous  to  suggest 
tions  to     that  the  bridegroom  show  generous  con- 
bride  and  sideration  in  not  exacting  too  much  of 
n  egroom  t^e  SOciety  and  attention  of  his  fiancee 
during    the    busy   days   preceding    the   wedding, 
234 


WEDDING    PREPARATIONS 

when  there  are  many  demands  upon  her  time  and 
strength.  If  she  is  not  busy,  some  one  is  being 
imposed  upon ;  and  mothers  have  special  claims. 

It  used  to  be  that  from  the  time  that  the  wed- 
ding invitations  were  issued  the  bride  elect  with- 
drew herself  from  public  gaze.  The  custom  was 
the  survival  of  a  form  from  which  the  spirit  had 
fled  and  so  became  obsolete,  but  it  had  its  origin 
in  the  commendable  usage  of  a  bride  withdraw- 
ing herself  from  the  pomps  and  vanities  to  give 
herself  to  prayer  and  meditation,  in  view  of  the 
important  step  that  she  was  about  to  take. 

The  need  now  is  not  less  urgent,  and  one  may 
counsel  that  the  bride  endeavor  to  have  her  trous- 
seau ready  in  good  time,  and  that  the  last  days 
before  the  wedding  be  free  from  excitement, 
dressmaker's  appointments,  and  thoughts  of 
clothes,  that  she  may  have  a  little  time  to  con- 
secrate to  the  family  that  loves  and  is  about  to 
lose  her,  and  to  the  God  in  whom  she  trusts  to 
bless  and  guide  her  in  the  new  life  upon  which 
she  is  about  to  enter. 


Chapter     Fifteenth  —  in^    DAY 

OF    THE    WEDDING 

'HERE  is  a  tender  feeling  at  the  heart 
of  humanity  for  a  young  girl  staking 
her  life's  happiness  at  the  marriage 
altar,  and  if  "  all  the  world  loves  a 
lover,"  every  woman  loves  a  wedding. 
In  all  ages,  among  all  peoples,  a  marriage  has 
been  the  occasion  of  rejoicings,  but  among  Anglo- 
Saxons  there  is  added  a  sentimental  and  romantic 
interest,  for  the  ceremony  is  always  supposed  to 
unite  a  pair  of  lovers. 

As  the  great  event  of  two  lives,  it  is  naturally 
desired  that  the  wedding  be  so  conducted  as  to 
be  always  recalled  with  gratification  and  give 
pleasure  to  all  concerned. 

When  the  ceremony  is  to  take  place  at  a  church, 
palms  are  massed  about  the  chancel  and  flowers 
are  on  the  altar.     Occasionally  there  are  flower- 
ing plants  among  the   greenery,  and  bunches  of 
lilies  or  other  effective  flowers  are  fastened  at  the 
ends  of  some  or  all  of  the  pews  of  the  middle  aisle. 
Certain  of  the  ushers  go  early  to  the  church, 
The  ushers  on  the  day  of  the  wedding,  to  see  that 
before  the  all  is  being  prepared  as  directed.     All 
ceremony  the  ushers  should  be  there  half  an  hour 
before  the  guests  are  expected.     "  Buttonholes  " 
236 


THE    DAY     OF    THE    WEDDING 

of  gardenias,  lilies  of  the  valley,  or  the  flower  that 
predominates  in  the  church  decorations  are  given 
them  by  the  sexton,  to  whom  they  have  been  en- 
trusted by  the  florist,  or  they  are  sent  to  the  gen- 
tlemen at  their  houses  in  behalf  of  the  bride. 
They  leave  their  hats  in  charge  of  some  respon- 
sible person,  who  returns  them  as  they  leave  the 
church. 

The  ushers  are  provided  with  lists  of  the  names 
of  those  for  whom  places  are  to  be  reserved,  and 
they  stretch  across  the  aisle  a  broad  white  ribbon 
or  rope  of  flowers,  beyond  which  the  pews  are 
retained  for  the  families,  near  relatives,  and  friends 
of  the  bridal  pair.  Some  brides  deprecate  mak- 
ing such  distinction,  and  the  ushers  carry  the 
ribbons  down  both  sides  of  the  middle  aisle, 
just  before  the  bridal  procession  arrives,  shutting 
in  the  pews  and  so  keeping  the  way  open.  Before 
the  guests  arrive,  the  ushers  take  their  places  at 
the  head  of  each  aisle  ready  for  duty. 

Upon  the  appearance  of  the  wedding  guests 
they  offer  their  arms  to  the  ladies  and  conduct 
them  to  seats,  —  those  in  the  middle  aisle  asking 
the  names  and  consulting  their  lists  of  persons 
for  whom  pews  and  seats  are  reserved.  It  were 
well  for  these  gentlemen  to  familiarize  their  mem- 
ories as  far  as  possible  with  these  names.  Their 
labor  is  lightened  if  such  guests  are  provided  with 
separate  presentation  cards. 

When  an  usher  is  embarrassed  by  the  arrival 
of  several  ladies  at  once  claiming  his  services,  he 
237 


ETIQUETTE     FOR     ALL     OCCASIONS 

gives  his  arm  to  the  one  who  appears  to  be  their 
senior,  asking  those  who  came  with  her  to  follow, 
and  after  seating  them,  returns  to  fetch  others. 
He  inquires  whether  the  guests  are  friends  of  the 
bride  or  bridegroom,  and  conforms  to  custom  in 
seating  the  former  on  the  left  of  the  church,  the 
latter  upon  the  right.  The  reserved  pews  are  ap- 
portioned by  the  same  rule. 

Just  before  the  entrance  of  the  bridal  cortege 
the  bride's  mother  and  her  family  enter  the 
church,  and  are  escorted  by  the  ushers  to  the 
front  pews.  At  a  recent  wedding  the  mother  of 
the  bride  was  given  special  prominence,  passing 
up  the  aisle  on  the  arm  of  the  head  usher,  pre- 
ceded by  two  others. 

Meanwhile  at  the  house  of  the  bride  there  is 
much  joyous  stir  and  excitement.     It  is  doubtful 
At  the      *f  there  is  a  bride  that  does  not  cherish 
bride's     every  happy  omen,  and  in  a  spirit  of^ 
house      merriment,  innocent  of  superstition,  con- 
form to  the  time-honored  rules  of  bridal  observance. 
Among  old  superstitions,  it  is  "  unlucky "  for  a 
bride  to  look  at  herself  in  the  glass  after  she  is 
completely  dressed;   so  the  bride  of  to-day  "for 
fun  "  puts  on  a  glove  or  other  trifle  of  attire  after 
the  last  look  has  been  taken  in  the  mirror.     Upon 
the  arrival  of  her  bridesmaids  she  gives  to  each 
"for  luck"  a  garter  which  she  herself  has  worn. 
Before  the  moment  for  departure,  she  is  left  en- 
tirely alone  for  a  brief  while,  during  which  time 
blessing,  not  luck,  is  invoked. 
238 


THE     DAY    OF    THE    WEDDING 

A  bride  should  endeavor  to  be  at  the  church 
door  exactly  at  the  hour  named  for  the  ceremony 
in  the  invitations,  and  should  request  her  attend- 
ants to  meet  her  at  her  house  well  in  advance  of 
that  time.  She  there  presents  to  each  one  a 
bouquet  in  behalf  of  the  bridegroom,  unless  it  is 
preferred  to  have  them  sent  by  the  florist  to  the 
houses  of  the  young  women. 

The  bride's  mother  enters  her  carriage  when 
everything  has  been  attended  to,  and  is  driven, 
with  those  of  her  children  who  are  not  of  the 
bridal  party,  to  the  church.  Carriages  are  pro- 
vided for  the  bridesmaids, — either  two  or  three 
being  accommodated  in  the  same  conveyance. 
These  lead  the  procession,  the  carriage  of  the 
bride  and  her  father  bringing  up  the  rear.  Oc- 
casionally the  bridal  coaches  are  distinguished  by 
having  wedding  favors  of  white  flowers  on  the 
head-stalls  of  the  horses  and  in  the  servants'  coats. 

While  awaiting  the  bridal  party  at  the  church, 
the  organist  plays  favorite  selections,  often  chosen  by 
the  bride  and  bridegroom.     A  burst  of 
triumphant   music  warns  the   audience 
of  the  bride's  arrival,  and  all  heads  turn  to  see  her, 
as  the  familiar  strains  of  a  Wedding  March  are 
recognized. 

The  custom  of  playing  a  soft  accompaniment  to 
the  voices  during  the  plighting  of  the  troth  is  now 
regarded  as  theatrical. 

The  organ  peals  forth  another  joyous  wedding 
march,  as,  the  religious  ceremony  concluded,  the 
239 


ETIQUETTE  FOR   ALL  -OCCASIONS 

bridal  procession  returns  down  the  aisle.  Other 
selections  are  then  played  until  the  last  guest  has 
left  the  church. 

When  the  first  carriage  reaches  the  church,  the 

head  usher  orders  the  closing  of  the  inner  vestibule 

The       door,  and  certain    of  the  other  ushers 

ceremony  take  their  stand  at  the  side    doors  to 

at  the       prevent  the  entrance  of  any  one.     One 
church  ,  .  .  , 

ot  them,  in  passing,  unfastens   the  bar 

of  white  ribbon.  The  bridesmaids  are  the  first 
to  arrive,  and  stand  with  the  ushers  in  the  vestibule 
to  welcome  the  bride.  Upon  her  appearance  the 
doors  into  the  street  are  closed  behind  her, 
and  the  procession  forms. 

Meantime  the  bridegroom  and  his  best  man 
have  arrived  in  a  carriage  by  themselves,  and  have 
entered  the  church  building  by  the  vestry  door. 
Notification  is  sent  to  the  former  of  the  bride's 
arrival.  When  the  bridal  procession  is  ready,  the 
doors  are  thrown  wide  open,  which  is  the  signal 
for  the  organist  to  sound  forth  the  wedding  march. 
Every  one  rises.  The  clergyman  then  appears 
and  takes  his  place,  and  the  bridegroom,  followed 
by  his  best  man,  emerges  from  the  vestry  and  stands 
at  the  clergyman's  left,  his  head  turned  to  face  the 
advancing  procession,  and  his  best  man  just  behind 
him. 

The  ushers,  walking  two  by  two,  stepping  in  time 
with   the   stately  march    music,  come  first.     The 
bridesmaids  follow  in  the  same  order,  each  couple 
leaving  five  or  six  feet  of  space  between  them. 
240 


THE     DAY     OF    THE     WEDDING 

Next  comes  the  maid  of  honor,  alone,  and  then 
the  little  flower-girls  scattering  handfuls  of  blos- 
soms in  the  bride's  pathway  as  they  walk  before 
her.  Where  there  are  no  flower-girls,  the  maid  of 
honor  immediately  precedes  the  bride.  Choir  boys 
singing  an  epithalamium  sometimes  go  to  meet 
the  bridal  party,  and  turning  lead  the  cortege  up 
the  aisle. 

The  bride  comes  last,  leaning  upon  the  right 
arm  of  her  father  or  near  male  relative  who  is  to 
give  her  away.  The  procession  divides  at  the 
top  of  the  chancel  steps,  half  going  to  the  right 
and  half  to  the  left.  The  bridesmaids  place  them- 
selves between  the  ushers,  the  group  forming  a 
semi-circle  on  either  side.  A  chalk  line  usually 
indicates  the  places.  The  maid  of  honor  goes  to 
the  left  and  takes  her  place  in  front  of  the  brides- 
maids, near  where  the  bride  is  to  stand. 

The  bridegroom  advances  to  meet  the  bride  at 
the  head  of  the  chancel  steps. 

It  is  a  time-honored  observance  of  wedding 
etiquette  that  the  bride  shall  not  be  seen  by  the 
bridegroom  on  the  fateful  day  until  she  appears 
coming  up  the  aisle  to  meet  him.  The  bridal  pro- 
cession is  for  him,  not  a  pageant  for  the  guests. 
For  some  reason  it  is  a  nervous  moment  for  a  man. 
His  friends,  to  reassure  him,  laughingly  tell  him, 
"  Nobody  will  look  at  you.  Give  yourself  no 
uneasiness.  Of  course  it  is  necessary  for  you  to 
be  there,  but  the  interest  of  the  occasion  centres 
around  the  bride!"  which  is  more  or  less  true. 
1 6  241 


ETIQUETTE     FOR     ALL     OCCASIONS 

He  might,  however,  take  a  more  masterful  posi- 
tion, which  is  his  rightful  one,  and  gain  confidence 
thereby.  "  The  bride  is  brought  unto  him  in  rai- 
ment of  needlework.  The  maidens  that  be  her 
fellows  bear  her  company."  Thinking  of  her,  he 
may  forget  himself. 

The  bride  leaves  her  father's  arm  to  take  the 
bridegroom's  hand,  and  then,  accepting  his  left 
arm,  they  take  their  places  before  the  clergyman. 
Both  kneel  for  a  moment.  The  bride's  father 
steps  back  a  few  feet,  and  the  marriage  service  is 
read  by  the  officiating  clergyman. 

The  English  fashion  is  to  have  the  betrothal  at 
the  foot  of  the  chancel  steps.  For  the  rest  of  the 
ceremony  the  bride  and  bridegroom  go  up  alone 
and  stand  before  the  altar. 

In  the  effort  after  novelty  sometimes  the  eight 
bridesmaids  walk  up  the  side  aisles  one  by  one 
four  in  each,  and  joining  at  the  chancel  steps,  go 
in  pairs  to  meet  the  bride,  half-way  down  the  mid- 
dle aisle.  There  the  couples  divide,  standing 
on  either  side  while  the  bride  and  her  father  pass 
between  them.  The  bridesmaids  form  again  and 
follow  them.  The  ushers  precede  the  bridesmaids 
up  the  side  aisles,  but  stop  at  the  chancel  steps, 
joining  the  procession  only  after  it  has  passed 
between  them. 

At  the  words  "Who  giveth  this  woman  to  be 

married  to  this   man?"    the   father   of  the  bride 

advances  and  places  her  right  hand  in  that  of  the 

clergyman,  who,  in  turn,  gives  it  into  the  right  hand 

242 


THE     DAY     OF     THE     WEDDING 

of  the  bridegroom, — the  church  thus  sanctioning 
the  gift,  —  whereupon  the  father  takes  his  seat  in 
the  pew  reserved  for  his  family.  The  widowed 
mother  of  the  bride  sometimes  gives  her  away. 
She  may  do  this,  if  she  please,  by  merely  rising 
from  her  seat,  and  bowing  to  signify  her  consent. 

At  a  recent  wedding,  of  a  certain  social  promi- 
nence, the  bride  kept  her  father's  arm  and  did  not 
leave  his  side  until  the  moment  when,  the  promises 
made,  he  gave  her  away,  and  taking  her  hand  from 
his  arm,  the  father  placed  it  in  that  of  the  bride- 
groom. The  action  had  a  significance  that  ap- 
pealed strongly  to  all  the  parents  present. 

At  the  time  of  the  plighting  of  the  troth  and  the 
giving  of  the  ring,  the  clergyman  tells  the  bride 
and  groom  to  join  hands,  and  the  bride  gives  her 
glove  and  bouquet  to  her  maid  of  honor,  who 
advances  to  take  them.  The  best  man  takes  the 
ring  from  his  waistcoat  pocket,  and  gives  it  to  the 
bridegroom,  who  passes  it  to  the  bride,  and  she 
hands  it  to  the  clergyman,  who  gives  it  to  the 
bridegroom,  who  places  it  upon  the  fourth  finger 
of  the  bride's  left  hand.  This  completes  the  cir- 
cle, —  typical,  as  is  the  ring  itself,  of  the  perpetuity 
of  the  compact.  Inside  the  ring  —  always  a  plain 
gold  one  —  are  engraved  the  initials  of  bride  and 
bridegroom  and  the  date  of  the  marriage.  It  is 
placed  on  the  fourth  finger  of  the  left  hand  be- 
cause of  the  fanciful  conceit  that  from  that  finger 
a  nerve  goes  straight  to  the  heart.  When  the 
ring  was  placed  and  the  words  followed,  "  With  all 
243 


ETIQUETTE     FOR     ALL      OCCASIONS 

my  worldly  goods  I  thee  endow,"  it  was  the  cus- 
tom in  France,  as  late  as  1600,  to  put  some  pieces 
of  money  into  the  hand  of  the  bride,  which  were 
religiously  kept  for  "  good  luck." 

Some  say  that  the  word  "  obey  "  in  the  marriage 
service  is  an  anachronism,  and  holds  only  those 
who  choose  to  be  bound,  but  American  women 
do  not  often  feel  their  chains.  In  some  provinces 
of  Russia  the  bride's  father  gives  her  a  little  cut 
with  a  whip,  which  instrument  of  correction  he 
then  presents  to  the  bridegroom  for  future  emer- 
gencies. The  pretty  symbolism  must  appeal  to 
the  bride !  The  kiss,  formerly  given  by  the 
young  husband  to  his  bride,  after  the  words 
"I  pronounce  you  man  and  wife  "  (for  which  so 
many  rehearsals  were  necessary)  has  gone  out  of 
fashion. 

At  the  conclusion  of  the  ceremony  the  clergy- 
man congratulates  the  newly  wedded  pair,  and  the 
bride  takes  the  right  arm  of  her  husband.  They 
then  walk  down  the  aisle,  the  maid  of  honor  having 
parted  or  removed  the  veil  covering  the  bride's 
face,  and  turned  her  train  that  it  may  hang  prop- 
erly, so  that  the  young  wife  need  take  no  thought 
for  her  "  millinery,"  but  only  of  the  great  and  sol- 
emn fact  just  accomplished. 

The  bridal  party  follows  in  the  reverse  order  in 
which  it  went  up  the  aisle,  the  ushers  bringing  up 
the  rear.  More  than  once  I  have  seen  the  bride 
on  her  way  down  the  aisle  stop  to  kiss  her  mother, 
who,  tearful  but  cheerful,  had  caught  her  eye. 
244 


THE     DAY     OF    THE     WEDDING 

In  some  parts  of  the  country,  I  am  told,  the  best 
man  offers  his  arm  to  the  maid  of  honor,  and  the 
bridesmaids,  each  accompanied  by  an  usher,  follow 
the  bride  and  groom  down  the  aisle,  and  at  the 
door  enter  carriages  in  the  same  order  and  are 
driven  to  the  bride's  house.  This  custom  is  never 
followed  in  New  York  society. 

It  is  sometimes  arranged  that  the  bride,  having 
gone  up  the  aisle  on  the  side  near  where  her  own 
family  and  friends  are  seated,  returns  on  the  side 
of  the  bridegroom's  friends,  she  having  become 
part  of  his  family.  Each  small  observance  has  a 
significance. 

The  guests  are  not  released  by  the  withdrawal 
of  the  ribbon  (if  it  has  been  carried  each  side  of 
the  aisle)  until  the  families  of  the  bride  and  bride- 
groom have  followed  the  bridal  party  to  the  church 
door.  In  the  mean  time  the  best  man  has  followed 
the  clergyman  into  the  vestry,  and  hurried  down  a 
side  aisle  to  be  ready  at  the  door  to  signal  for  the 
approach  of  the  bridal  coach,  and  to  give  to  the 
bridegroom  his  hat  and  coat,  which  have  been  left 
in  the  vestry.  A  carriage  is  provided  to  take  him 
to  the  bride's  house,  where  he  aids  the  ushers  in 
presenting  the  guests  to  the  bridal  pair.  Maids 
await  the  bride  and  bridesmaids  in  the  vestibule  to 
cloak  them.  The  bride  and  bridegroom  drive  away 
together,  and  the  rest  of  the  wedding  party  follow. 

At  a  recent  wedding  a  joyous  peal  of  bells  an- 
nounced  the  arrival    of  the   bride  at  the  church 
door,  and  again  the  joy  bells  rang  a  merry  peal  as 
245 


ETIQUETTE     FOR     ALL      OCCASIONS 

she  left  the  church.     It  was  indescribably  sugges- 
tive of  light  hearts  and  bright  hopes. 

If  a  marriage  takes  place  in  the  afternoon,  it  is 
generally  followed  by  a  reception ;  if  in  the  morn- 
The        mS>  the  guests  are  bidden  to  a  wedding 
wedding    breakfast.     The  reception  is  the  more 
reception   custornary)  permitting,  as    it   does,   the 
entertainment  of  many  more  persons.     It  is  con- 
ducted as  an  ordinary  afternoon  reception. 

Upon  arriving  at  the  bride's  home  after  the 
marriage  ceremony,  her  family  and  that  of  her 
husband,  as  well  as  the  bridal  attendants,  express 
their  fond  and  earnest  congratulations,  after  which 
they  all  sign  their  names  in  a  register  after  the 
signatures  of  the  newly  married  pair.  The  best 
man  attends  to  the  matter  before  the  general 
arrival  of  guests.  The  book,  bound  in  white  with 
the  arms  or  initials  of  bride  and  groom,  is  often 
placed  where  all  the  wedding  guests  may  add 
their  names,  and  becomes  a  valued  souvenir  of  the 
occasion. 

The  bride  and  bridegroom  stand  together  at  the 
head  of  the  room  to  receive  the  congratulations  of 
their  friends.  The  bridesmaids  divide, — half  their 
number  ranging  themselves  at  the  bride's  right 
hand  and  the  rest  at  the  left  of  the  bridegroom,  — 
with  the  parents  of  the  young  couple  standing  near. 
The  bride's  mother  is  the  true  hostess,  and  all 
should  speak  to  her.  The  parents  of  the  groom, 
are  the  guests  of  honor  of  the  bride's  family,  and 
should  be  presented  to  their  friends.  After  a  half- 
246 


THE    DAY     OP    THE     WEDDING 

hour  all  may  move  about  the  room,  but  the  bridal 
pair,  who  keep  their  places.  The  ushers  are  the 
accredited  masters  of  ceremonies,  and  offer  their 
services  to  present  all  strangers  to  the  bride  and 
groom,  though  any  guest  may  join  the  line  that 
presses  forward  in  order  to  wish  them  happiness. 

The  bride  extends  her  hand  with  cordial  gra- 
ciousness,  and  presents  her  personal  friends  to  her 
husband,  if  they  are  unknown  to  him.  The  in- 
discriminate kissing  to  which  brides  used  to  be 
subjected  has  deservedly  gone  out  of  fashion. 

Music  is  generally  furnished  by  a  screened 
orchestra,  and  the  guests  are  served  from  a  hand- 
somely decorated  and  well-supplied  table,  as  at  the 
usual  afternoon  reception.  Champagne  is  always 
served.  After  giving  an  hour  or  so  to  their  guests 
the  bride  and  bridegroom  may  go  to  the  dining- 
room,  and  are,  of  course,  served  by  many  willing 
hands.  The  best  man  proposes  their  health,  and 
all  present  stand,  wine-glass  in  hand,  and  pledge 
them  to  long  life  and  happiness,  after  which  they 
retire  to  dress  for  their  journey,  the  bride  assisted 
by  her  maid  of  honor  and  first  bridesmaid  or  by 
all  her  maidens,  if  she  please. 

As  the  guests  leave  the  house,  they  find  in  the 
hall-way  many  small  white  boxes  piled  high  upon 
a  table,  each  of  which  contains  a  slice  of  wedding 
cake.  Each  person  is  entitled  to  take  one  of  these 
boxes,  though  ordinarily  a  maid  or  man  servant 
is  stationed  near  by  to  distribute  the  cake  to  the 
departing  guests. 

247 


ETIQUETTE      FOR      ALL      OCCASIONS 

The  company  generally  takes  leave  before  the 

The        bride  goes  to  the  dining-room, 
departure       The  bridegroom,  having  changed  his 
of  bride     clothes  for  a  travelling  suit  of  tweeds, 

.  and        awaits  the  bride  at  the  foot  of  the  stair- 
bridegroom  .  . 

case,  and  the  bridesmaids,  relatives,  and 

friends  crowd  the  hall. 

As  the  bride  appears,  all  acclaim  her.  She  holds 
aloft  her  bridal  bouquet,  and  the  bridesmaids  press 
forward  with  hands  outstretched  to  catch  it  as  it  falls. 
The  successful  one  will  be  the  next  bride  —  so  the 
legend  runs.  The  opening  of  the  door  to  permit 
the  departure  of  the  young  couple  has  heretofore 
been  the  signal  for  a  general  pelting  with  rice,  — 
a  Chinese  custom,  conveying  wishes  for  health  and 
prosperity.  But  this  custom  has  been  so  abused 
with  vulgarity,  often  producing  injurious  results, 
that  it  is  being  discarded  at  the  weddings  of  care- 
ful people,  and  showering  the  bride  with  loose 
flowers,  as  at  a  carnival,  has  been  instituted.  The 
rooms  are  generally  so  decorated  that  there  is  no 
lack  of  the  wherewithal,  and  the  bride's  family  are 
usually  glad  to  thus  dispose  of  the  flowers,  which 
when  left  behind  have  a  suggestion  of  sadness  in 
the  reminder  that  she  for  whom  they  bloomed  is 
no  longer  there  to  enjoy  them.  To  obviate  the 
discomfort  caused  by  the  rice,  one  maid  of  honor 
provided  a  large  veil  of  white  net,  which  she  deftly 
threw  over  the  bride  as  the  rice-throwing  began 
—  to  be  left  afterward  in  the  carriage.  This 
vehicle  is  probably  decorated  by  some  fun-loving 
248 


THE     DAY     OF    THE    WEDDING 

friends  with  white  ribbons  galore,  and  the  happy 
pair  drive  off  amid  cheers  and  showers  of  rice  that 
now  can  do  no  harm.  Some  one  usually  throws 
after  them  a  white  slipper  "  for  luck,"  and  is  highly 
gratified  if  it  light  on  the  top  of  the  carriage  to 
proclaim  the  new  felicity  of  the  occupants  to  the 
passers  by.  Happy  are  they  if  they  escape  pur- 
suit to  the  railway  station,  and  are  permitted  the 
opportunity  in  some  quiet  street  to  remove  the 
slipper  and  "  decorations."  One  young  couple 
hailed  a  passing  cab  and  left  their  beribboned 
vehicle  to  return  whence  it  came.  Sometimes  the 
best  man  follows  the  departing  couple  in  another 
carriage,  and  having  bought  the  tickets  and 
checked  the  trunks,  he  sees  the  train  bear  them 
away  to  parts  to  all  but  him  unknown,  — 

"  East  of  the  sun,  west  of  the  moon, 
East  of  the  sun  and  far  away  !  " 

All  joy  go  with  them  !  In  England  it  is  eti- 
quette to  drive  with  four  horses  to  the  place  where 
the  honeymoon  is  to  be  spent.  It  is  becoming 
with  us  "  the  smart  thing  to  do  "  to  spend  the  time 
at  a  friend's  country-house,  which  is  placed  at  the 
disposal  of  the  newly  married  ones  —  because  it 
is  done  in  England,  and  it  certainly  offers  many 
attractions  of  privacy  and  comfort. 

The   honeymoon,    with    our   busy  compatriots, 

often  lasts  but  a  fortnight.    The  old  Jewish  custom 

would    commend  itself  to  happy  couples.      The 

Bible  says  (Deuteronomy  xxiv.  5)  "  When  a  man 

249 


ETIQUETTE     FOR      ALL     OCCASIONS 

taketh  a  new  wife,  he  shall  not  go  out  in  the  host, 
neither  shall  he  be  charged  with  any  business ;  he 
shall  be  free  at  home  one  year,  and  shall  cheer  his 
wife  which  he  hath  taken." 

After  a  noon  wedding   a  wedding  breakfast  is 

the  appropriate    entertainment.     When  there  are 

The        f£w  guests,   it   is  served    at  one  table, 

wedding  the  bride  and  bridegroom  sitting  at  its 
breakfast  head>  ^  brjde's  mother  at  its  foot, 
with  the  groom's  father  and  the  clergyman  who 
has  performed  the  ceremony  at  her  right  and  left 
hand.  Cards  indicate  the  placing  of  the  guests. 
The  meal  is  of  course  served  in  courses,  and  may 
be  simple  or  elaborate. 

For  the  accommodation  of  many  guests  the 
breakfast  is  served  at  small  tables,  and  a  separate 
one  with  many  white  flowers  is  reserved  for  the 
bridal  party. 

The  company  after  the  congratulations  converse 
together  a  few  moments  in  the  drawing-room  until 
the  breakfast  is  announced. 

The  bride  and  bridegroom  lead  the  way  into 
the  dining-room,  followed  by  the  bride's  father 
with  the  groom's  mother.  The  officiating  clergy- 
man waits  behind  with  the  mother  of  the  bride, 
who  as  the  real  hostess  of  the  occasion  goes  in 
last.  If  more  than  one  clergyman  has  performed 
the  ceremony,  the  eldest  or  the  highest  in  rank  is 
asked  to  be  the  escort  of  the  bride's  mother.  The 
bridegroom's  father  takes  in  some  member  of  the 
bride's  family;  the  best  man  and  maid  of  honor, 
250 


THE     DAY     OF     THE     "WEDDING 

the  ushers  and  bridesmaids  pair  off,  and  the  rest 
follow. 

The  bride  and  bridegroom  sit  side  by  side  at 
the  table  reserved  for  the  wedding  party,  at  which 
sometimes  are  seated  the  families  of  the  bride  and 
bridegroom  and  the  clergyman  —  or  these  have  a 
separate  table.  Places  are  not  assigned  to  the 
guests,  nor  do  they  proceed  to  the  dining-room 
arm  in  arm.  They  seat  themselves  where  they 
please,  friends  seeking  each  other.  Music  adds 
its  note  of  gayety. 

The  health  of  the  young  couple  is  usually  pro- 
posed by  the  best  man  or  by  the  father  of  the 
bridegroom.  Speeches  are  only  in  order  at  a 
small  wedding  breakfast.  Unless  there  are  those 
who  can  speak  happily  and  briefly,  it  is  far  better 
to  omit  them. 

At  the  close  of  the  repast  a  wedding  cake  finely 
ornamented  is  sometimes  placed  before  the  bride, 
who  cuts  a  slice,  after  which  the  cake  is  passed  to 
the  rest. 

A   prominent    divine  has   lately    censured  the 
frivolity,  extravagance,  and  excitement  that  often 
seem  the  only  preparation  for  the  sol- 
emn  service   at    a   fashionable   church 


wedding,  —  the  display  of  clothes,  the 

careless  curiosity   of  irreverent   spectators  which 

exposes  to  conspicuous  publicity  at  a  time  when  a 

man  and  woman  have  a  right  to  privacy  and  peace. 

Modesty  and  simplicity  often  find  fitting  expres- 

sion at  an  informal  house-wedding,  which  may  be 

251 


ETIQUETTE     FOR     ALL     OCCASIONS 

an  ideal  and  beautiful  ceremony.  In  the  spring 
or  summer  in  the  country,  the  reception  may  be 
made  a  charming  lawn-party.  In  the  city  the 
house  is  generally  made  bright  with  flowers.  The 
mother  and  sisters  of  the  bride  receive  the  guests. 
The  father  appears  only  when  he  enters  the  draw- 
ing-room with  his  daughter.  A  room  is  placed  at 
the  disposal  of  the  bridegroom,  best  man,  and 
clergyman,  upon  their  arrival,  where  the  latter 
may  assume  his  official  robes. 

As  the  hour  strikes,  the  clergyman  takes  his 
place  facing  the  company,  followed  by  the  bride- 
groom and  his  best  man,  who  stand  at  his  left 
awaiting  the  bride.  Two  ushers  mark  off  an  aisle 
with  broad  white  ribbon,  to  the  ends  of  which 
flowers  may  be  attached,  that  by  their  weight 
will  hold  it  in  place.  They  then  return  to  precede 
the  rest  of  the  bridal  party,  who  enter  at  the  far- 
thest corner  of  the  room.  The  bridesmaid  or 
bridesmaids  follow  the  ushers,  and  the  bride 
comes  last  with  her  father.  Or,  the  ushers  may 
precede  the  best  man,  and  the  one  bridesmaid 
and  the  bride  and  bridegroom  follow. 

At  a  house-wedding  there  are  often  no  attend- 
ants for  the  bride,  and  there  is  rarely  any  music. 

At  the  conclusion  of  the  service  the  clergyman 
congratulates  the  bride  and  bridegroom  and  re- 
tires. They  then  take  his  place,  and  turn  to  be 
greeted,  first  by  their  parents,  next  by  the  members 
of  the  two  families  and  near  relatives,  afterward 
by  every  one  present.  All  wish  them  happiness. 
252 


THE    DAY     OP    THE     WEDDING    ' 

Refreshments  are  served  in  the  dining-room, 
and  may  be  simple  or  elaborate,  as  one  chooses. 
Occasionally  only  intimate  friends  are  invited  to 
the  ceremony,  and  the  reception  is  deferred  until 
the  return  from  the  wedding  journey.  The  fash- 
ion of  dancing  at  a  wedding  has  almost  passed 
away,  but  at  evening  weddings  it  is  sometimes 
indulged  in.  The  bride  leads,  dancing  with  the 
best  man,  and  the  groom  with  the  maid  of  honor, 
or  bride  and  bridegroom  "  open  the  ball." 

An  outdoor  wedding  is  a  pretty  pageant. 

Last  June  a  youthful  bride  was  married  on  the 
lawn  near  her  father's  house,  under  the  trees  where 
palms  and  many  flowering  shrubs  were  massed. 
The  bridal  procession  stepping  over  the  grass, 
winding  among  the  trees,  was  suggestive  of  Ar- 
cadia and  the  golden  age.  The  wedding  breakfast 
was  served  on  the  lawn  upon  little  tables  decked 
with  flowers,  and  a  band  of  music  in  a  marquee 
added  its  "  merry  minstrelsy." 

When  a  woman  is  married  for  the  second  time, 
she  conforms  to  the  prevailing  estimate   of  good 
taste,  if  her  wedding  be  somewhat  less       The 
elaborate  than  that  celebrated  when  she     widow- 
was  first  a  bride.  bride 

As  has  been  said  elsewhere,  she  does  not  wear 
a  white  gown,  but  a  handsome  visiting  costume, 
the  veil  and  orange  blossoms  are  replaced  by  a 
bonnet,  and  she  is  not  attended  by  bridesmaids. 
With  these  exceptions  the  wedding  is  conducted 
in  precisely  the  same  manner  as  that  of  an  unmar- 
253 


ETIQUETTE     FOR      ALL     OCCASIONS 

ried  woman.  Occasionally  at  a  large  wedding  a 
maid  or  matron  of  honor  attends  the  bride.  She 
removes  her  former  wedding  ring.  She  may  no 
more  wear  both  rings  than  she  would  bear  both 
names. 

Unless  the  family  of  the  lady's  first  husband  show 
resentment  at  her  second  marriage,  its  members 
should  be  given  places  of  honor  at  the  wedding. 

The  origin  of  the  appointment  of  a  best  man  is 
not  complimentary  to  either  sex.  It  was  made  in 
The  duties  order  to  see  that  the  bridegroom  did 
of  the  not  run  away,  either  from  stage  fright 
best  man  or  eleventh-hour  repentance!  He  is 
the  familiar  friend  of  the  bridegroom  or  his  own 
brother,  and  is  pledged  by  the  position  to  support, 
supplement,  and  aid  him  in  every  way  possible,  — 
be  to  him  a  second  self.  Although  the  r61e  is 
usually  filled  by  a  bachelor,  a  married  friend 
is  not  disqualified.  His  duties  largely  depend 
upon  the  wishes  of  the  groom.  He  may  make 
all  the  arrangements  for  the  wedding  journey, 
buying  the  tickets,  securing  the  places  in  the 
drawing-room  car,  ordering  the  expressman,  etc., 
and  should  therefore  be  an  executive  person  who 
leaves  nothing  to  chance,  and  with  the  full  comple- 
ment of  wits. 

The  best  man  attends  the  bridegroom  on  the 
day  of  the  marriage,  until  he  sees  the  train  or 
steamer  carry  him  off  for  the  honeymoon.  He 
sees  that  his  clothes  are  in  order,  superintends 
the  packing  of  his  trunk  or  does  it  himself,  and 
254 


THE    DAY     OF    THE     W  E  D  D  I  N  G 

insures  his  punctuality  at  the  church  in  good  time 
for  the  service,  whither  he  drives  with  him.  To 
him  is  entrusted  the  ring,  to  be  produced  at  the 
right  moment,  and  after  the  ceremony  he  follows 
the  clergyman  into  the  vestry-room  and  in  behalf 
of  the  bridegroom  gives  him  the  fee  enclosed  in 
an  envelope.  He  takes  the  bridegroom's  hat  and 
coat  with  his  own,  and  hastens  via  a  side  aisle 
to  be  at  the  church  door  before  the  procession 
reaches  it,  in  order  to  signal  the  bride's  carriage. 
His  carriage  is  usually  the  first  to  arrive  at  the 
bride's  house,  where  he  does  escort  duty  to  the 
guests  who  wish  presentations  to  the  young  couple, 
and  after  all  is  over,  he  puts  the  marriage  notices 
in  the  papers  and  attends  to  any  other  commissions 
that  his  friend  may  desire. 

He  should  call  very  soon  upon  the  bride's 
mother,  as  should  all  the  ushers,  and  upon  the 
bride  as  soon  as  it  is  known  that  she  has  re- 
turned from  the  wedding  trip. 

In  describing  a  wedding  in  its  orderly  sequence, 
the  part  played  by  the  maid  of  honor  and  the 
bridesmaids  has  been  explained  in  de-  The  duties 
tail,  leaving  little  to  be  said.  Their  of  the 
principal  duty  is  to  second  the  wishes  bridesmaids 
of  the  bride  in  all  things.  They  are  her  attendants. 
Each  should  make  her  a  gift,  and  show  her  every 
attention.  It  is  their  duty  to  approve  the  bride's 
choice  of  the  color  and  style  of  the  gowns  that 
they  are  to  wear,  even  if  they  think  them  unbecom- 
ing. They  should  be  punctual  at  the  rehearsal  and 
255 


ETIQUETTE     FOR      ALL     OCCASIONS 

at  the  bride's  house,  to  which  they  drive  on  the  day 
of  the  wedding,  either  in  their  own  carriages  or 
in  those  sent  them  by  the  bride's  family.  They 
should  do  their  best  to  make  everything  that  in 
any  way  depends  upon  them  a  success,  regard- 
ing themselves  merely  as  satellites.  They  should 
call  upon  the  bride's  mother  shortly  after  the 
wedding,  and  upon  the  bride's  return  each  in  turn 
shows  her  some  hospitable  attention. 

In  entering  the  church,  gentlemen  accompany- 
ing ladies  follow  them,  —  the  ushers  doing  all  the 
The        escort   duty  that   is   possible.      Wraps 
wedding     and  overcoats  are  removed  in  the  vesti- 
guests      buie  ancj  carriecj  on  the  arm. 

Guests  should  arrive  well  in  advance  of  the  hour 
named  for  the  ceremony,  and  accept  without  de- 
mur whatever  seats  are  assigned  them.  A  late 
arrival  should  enter  by  a  side  door  and  take  the 
nearest  place  unobtrusively. 

The  position  of  an  invited  guest  and  the  sacred- 
ness  of  the  place  interpose  restrictions  that  only 
ill-bred  persons  can  ignore.  Helping  one's  self  to 
a  more  desirable  seat,  standing  upon  the  pew- 
stools  in  order  to  see  to  better  advantage,  —  as 
though  a  marriage  were  only  an  exhibition,  — 
talking  during  the  service,  are  forms  of  rudeness 
that  betray  the  vulgarian.  During  the  prayer  and 
the  blessing  invoked  upon  the  newly  made  man 
and  wife,  persons  with  consciences  or  courtesy 
join  them  in  spirit,  and  do  not  take  the  oppor- 
tunity for  a  better  view  of  the  bridal  finery. 
256 


THE    DAY     OF    THE     WEDDING 

Persons  in  mourning  show  consideration  in  tak- 
ing places  where  they  will  be  little  in  evidence. 

When  leaving  the  church,  the  guests  give  prece- 
dence to  those  occupying  the  pews  reserved  for 
the  families  and  near  friends  of  the  bridal  pair, 
who  follow  the  cortege  as  soon  as  its  last  member 
has  reached  the  door. 

Arrived  at  the  bride's  house,  every  one  should 
congratulate  the  bride  and  groom.  No  formula 
can  be  given  for  such  occasions  that  would  not  be 
absurd  in  repetition.  Hearts  and  wits  usually  sup- 
ply all  that  is  necessary;  the  greatest  excellence 
is  brevity. 

In  early  colonial  days  in  New  England  a  bride 
enjoyed   great  prestige,    the   interest  culminating 
when  she  appeared   at  church  on  the 
Sunday  following  the  wedding.     It  was 
her  privilege  to  choose  the  text  for  the 
sermon  on  that  occasion,   which    the    clergyman 
was  bound  by  courtesy  to  accept.     One  instance 
is   well  known,  —  that  of  Miss  Abby  Smith,  the 
roguish,   mischievous  maiden   who    married  John 
Adams,  who  selected  the  text,  "  John  came,  nei- 
ther eating  nor  drinking,  and  they  say — he  hath 
a  devil ! " 

In  our  day  a  bride  has  precedence  for  three 
months  in  small  places,  and  in  cities  where  brides 
are  more  numerous,  for  one.  During  that  time 
she  is  the  guest  of  honor  wherever  she  may  appear, 
and  at  dinners  is  taken  in  by  her  host.  After  the 
return  from  the  honeymoon  the  young  couple  are 
17  257 


ETIQUETTE     FOR      ALL     OCCASIONS 

the  recipients  of  attentions  from  family  and  friends, 
but  reciprocal  courtesies  are  not  expected.  It  is 
from  the  largesse  of  the  heart  that  all  conspire  to 
make  them  happy,  "  hoping  for  nothing  again." 
The  bride,  however,  conforms  to  fashion  if  she  send 
invitations  for  certain  reception  days,  to  give  her 
friends  the  opportunity  of  seeing  her.  She  will 
have  fulfilled  all  that  etiquette  demands  if  she  but 
give  her  guests  "a  smile  and  a  cup  of  tea." 


258 


Chapter  Sixteenth— AT  THE  OPERA 

AND   THEATRE 

GENTLEFOLK  are  recognizable  of- 
|ten  when  least  conscious  of  conform- 
ing to  any  elevated  standard  of  social 
ethics,  but  courtesy  has  become  in- 
stinctive, almost  automatic.      Such 
persons  feel  it  an  obligation  to  arrive  at  a  place  of 
public  entertainment  a  few  moments  before  the 
hour    for    the    performance    to    begin, 
that   their   persons    may  not   blot   out 
the    stage    from    the    view    of    others  theatre  or 
while  they  are  taking  their  seats,  and     opera- 
drown  the  music  or  the  voices  of  the      house 
performers  by  the  rustle  of  their  garments  or  the 
murmured  discussion  about  assigning  the  places. 
Consideration  for  others  suggests  that  late-com- 
ers should  wait  at  the  rear  of  the  auditorium  until 
an  entr'acte  permit  them  to  take  their  places  with- 
out annoyance  to  those  already  there,  and  those 
occupying  theatre  boxes  should  enter  in  such  a 
manner  as  to  excite  the  least  possible  attention.  The 
occupants  of  boxes  at  the  opera  are  so  much  less 
conspicuous,  owing  to  the  size  of  the  house,  that  the 
obligation  of  a  prompt  arrival  is  less  peremptory. 

When  entering  a  theatre  or  opera-house,  ladies 
pass  first,  followed  by  the  man  of  the  party  who 
259 


ETIQUETTE      FOR      ALL     OCCASIONS 

has  the  tickets,  who,  after  joining  them,  takes  the 
lead,  securing  programmes,  and  giving  the  ticket- 
coupons  to  an  usher. 

Should  the  usher  be  midway  down  the  aisle,  the 
ladies'  escort  would  precede  them,  but  if  the  usher 
be  met  near  the  entrance,  that  functionary  would 
lead  the  way  to  the  seats,  and  the  men  of  the  party 
would  follow  in  the  rear. 

A  man  may  check  his  hat  and  coat  before  enter- 
ing the  auditorium,  or  carry  them  in  his  hand  to  his 

Theatre  seat>  where  he  will  dispose  of  them  where 
and  opera  they  will  be  no  inconvenience  to  others; 

etiquette    ^js   ^at  may  foe  pjacecj   uncjer    the  seat, 

his  coat  across  his  knees  or  hung  on  the  cord  hang- 
ing at  the  back  of  the  seat  directly  before  him,  — 
which  provision  is  made  at  some  theatres. 

The  women  remove  their  hats  at  once,  if  they 
have  worn  them,  and  place  them  upon  their 
laps.  If  the  removal  of  their  wraps  offer  any  diffi- 
culty, it  should  be  done  in  the  vestibule  of  the 
theatre.  Hats  may  be  worn  in  the  boxes. 

In  going  from  the  aisle  to  one's  seat  one  faces 
the  stage,  and  should  say  a  brief  word  of  apology 
when  passing  before  others  to  reach  them,  espe- 
cially if  they  rise  to  facilitate  one's  progress. 

It  is  wise  to  keep  the  coupons  which  the  usher 
returns,  lest  any  misunderstanding  about  the  seats 
arise  later. 

Conversation  is  only  permissible  during  the  in- 
termissions, and  whispering  is  no  less  objectionable 
than  audible  talking  during  the  performance. 
360 


AT    THE     OPERA     AND     THEATRE 

When  orfc  is  the  victim  of  annoyance  of  this 
kind,  or  if  some  towering  head-gear  deprive  one  of 
the  sight  of  anything  but  its  aggressive  self,  one 
may  waylay  and  ask  an  usher  to  suggest  its 
suppression  and  removal  or  courteously  make  the 
suggestion  one's  self.  A  story  is  told  of  a  man 
who  politely  asked  a  woman  to  take  off  her  hat 
and  was  curtly  refused,  whereupon  he  put  on  his 
own  hat.  Immediately  murmurs  were  heard  all 
about  them  of  "  Take  off  that  hat !  "  The  wo- 
man, thinking  that  they  were  directed  against  her, 
hurriedly  removed  the  offending,  bonnet. 

In  these  days  no  one  would  refuse,  public  opin- 
ion being  against  "  theatre-hats."  A  gentleman 
never  leaves  a  lady  alone  during  an  intermission, 
and  only  those  who  have  the  end  seats  on  the  aisle 
are  justified  in  leaving  them.  Some  one  has  jest- 
ingly said,  "  There  is  no  real  objection  to  a  man 
going  out  before  the  acts  —  one  objects  only  to  his 
coming  back !  " 

When  entering  a  box  at  the  opera,  wraps  are  re- 
moved in  the  anteroom,  and  the  women  move  for- 
ward to  take  the  chairs  at  the  front,  the      Jn  an 
men  seating  themselves  behind.      The  opera  box 
chaperon  or  elder  ladies  are  offered  the 
seats  in  front,  but  they  rarely  accept  them  if  there 
are  young  women  of  the  party.    A  bride  or  a  d6bu- 
tante  is  ordinarily  assigned  the  most  conspicuous 
or  advantageous  position.     All  talking  during  the 
performance  is  in  very  bad  taste. 

During  the  intermissions  at  the  opera  calling  is 
261 


ETIQUETTE     FOR     ALL     OCCASIONS 

extensively  carried  on  by  the  men,  whose  visits  are 
cordially  welcomed.  Women  occasionally  leave 
their  boxes  to  have  a  few  words  with  a  friend.  At 
their  appearance  in  the  box  of  friends,  all  the  men 
there  rise,  and  remain  standing  until  they  seat 
themselves  or  take  leave. 

Visiting  is,  however,  generally  confined  to  the 
men.  Those  occupying  places  in  boxes  or  aisle 
seats  are  the  only  ones  privileged  to  avail  them- 
selves of  the  custom. 

A  knock  at  the  box-door  is  the  proper  an- 
nouncement by  a  visitor.  He  waits  the  greeting 
and  invitation  of  his  hostess  before  seating  him- 
self, stays  a  few  moments,  and  leaves  upon  the  ap- 
pearance of  another  caller  unless  urged  to  remain. 

The  rising  of  the  curtain  is  the  signal  for  all 
visitors  to  retire. 

If  the  caller  is  a  friend  of  a  guest  in  a  box,  he 
is  presented  to  the  hostess,  —  and  the  host,  if  pres- 
ent, —  and  makes  but  a  brief  stay. 

If  he  is  himself  a  guest,  he  should  not  absent 
himself  from  the  box  of  his  hostess  for  more  than 
a  very  few  minutes,  taking  the  opportunity  when 
others  are  calling  upon  her. 

Ladies  in  the  orchestra  stalls,  if  seated  near  the 
aisle,  may  receive  calls,  but  unless  their  escorts 

In  the      °ffe*  their  own  seats  to  the  visitors,  their 
orchestra   stay  should  be  of  the  briefest.     If  the 
stalls  and   lady's  escort  offer  his  seat  and  it  is  ac- 
cepted, that  gentleman  may  profit  by 
the  opportunity  to  pay  a  call  himself. 
262 


AT    THE     OPERA    AND     THEATRE 

The  ladies  in  the  front  row  of  the  orchestra 
circle  are  very  accessible,  but  their  conversation 
has  a  somewhat  conspicuous  publicity,  as  all 
who  are  seated  in  the  neighborhood  may  over- 
hear what  is  said. 

A  young  girl  should  present  her  callers  to  her 
chaperon,  and  all  women  would  naturally  show  the 
courtesy  of  an  introduction  to  their  escorts  and 
visitors. 

A  theatre  or  opera  party  is  always  preceded  by 
a  dinner  or  followed  by  a  supper,  given  either  at 
the  house  of  the  hostess  or  in  some  res-    Theatre 
taurant  of  fashionable  repute.  and  opera 

An  equal  number  of  men  and  women  Parties 
are  invited,  and  all  meet  at  the  house  of  the  hos- 
tess, observing  most  careful  punctuality.  Some- 
times the  hostess  gives  to  each  man  of  the  party  a 
small  envelope  containing  a  card  inscribed  with 
the  name  of  the  lady  with  whom  he  is  to  sit  at  the 
play,  and  who  is  given  in  a  measure  in  his  charge. 
Enclosed,  also,  are  the  tickets  for  that  lady  and 
himself,  the  numbers  on  the  coupons  helping  all 
to  find  their  seats  without  confusion.  To  each 
lady  is  given  a  card  with  the  name  of  the  gentle- 
man who  is  to  be  her  partner  enclosed  in  an 
envelope ;  when  en  route  in  the  omnibus,  they  all 
examine  their  cards. 

The  young  girls  arrive  in  charge  of  their  maids, 
who  return  to  fetch  them  home,  if  the  supper  is 
given  at  the  house. 

If  the  entertainment  before  the  play  be  a  dinner 
263 


ETIQUETTE     FOR     ALL     OCCASIONS 

or  if  the  supper  be  given  at  a  restaurant,  the 
hostess  conveys  them  to  their  own  doors  in  a 
theatre-carriage  or  omnibus  at  the  close  of  the  fes- 
tivity. The  men  usually  make  their  adieux,  just 
before  the  ladies  drive  off,  expressing  their  thanks 
and  appreciation  to  their  hostess  of  the  hospitality 
enjoyed,  and  find  their  way  home  themselves.  Or, 
the  girls  are  taken  home  first,  and  the  omnibus 
takes  the  men  where  they  wish  to  go,  after  having 
left  the  hostess  at  her  own  door.  It  is  needless  to 
observe  that  where  a  second  man-servant  is  not  in 
attendance  on  the  carriage  or  omnibus,  the  young 
man  nearest  the  door  makes  himself  useful  in  ring- 
ing the  door-bells  and  seeing  the  ladies  safely 
within  their  homes.  If  a  host  be  of  the  party,  to 
him  this  courtesy  as  of  right  belongs.  In  case  of 
rain,  a  man-servant  armed  with  a  large  umbrella  is 
a  great  convenience,  if  not  a  necessity. 

The  subject  of  the  supper  —  served  at  the  house 
of  the  hostess,  either  simply,  or  elaborately  on 
small  tables  each  decorated  in  a  different  color  — 
has  been  spoken  of  in  a  former  chapter.  It  may 
be  repeated,  however,  that  the  seating  of  the 
guests  at  supper  should  differ  from  that  observed 
at  the  theatre,  for  the  sake  of  variety.  A  party  for 
the  opera  rarely  exceeds  in  number  more  persons 
than  will  comfortably  fill  one  or  two  boxes.  It  is 
exceedingly  bad  form  to  overcrowd  a  box. 

Theatre  and  opera  parties  are  the  favorite  form 
of  bachelor  hospitality.  No  man  is  privileged  to 
ask  an  unmarried  woman  to  attend  the  theatre  or 
264 


AT    THE     OPERA    AND     THEATRE 

opera  with  him  unless  he  requests  her  to  select  a 
chaperon  or  invites  some  married  woman  to  ac- 
company them.     In  writing   or   giving 
the  invitations,  he  should   mention  the    ashosts 
name  of  the  chaperon,  whom  he  must 
first  have  secured.     He  either  calls  with  the  chap- 
eron for  the  young  woman,  and  leaves  her  at  her 
own  door  after  the  performance,  still  accompanied 
by  the  matron,  or  if  the  chaperon  be  of  the  lady's 
choosing  he  may  send  them  the  tickets,  when  they 
would  provide  their  own  conveyance  to  and  from 
the  theatre  or  opera  house,  and    he  would  meet 
them  in  the  lobby,  or  at  the  door  of  the  box,  if 
one  has  been  engaged. 

Where  the  host  has  invited  several  guests,  in- 
cluding young  women,  all  are  asked  to  meet  at  the 
house  of  the  chaperon.  Each  new  arrival  is  pre- 
sented to  that  lady  first,  and  then  to  the  rest.  When 
all  have  assembled,  a  theatre-carriage  or  omnibus 
conveys  them  to  the  place  of  amusement.  Upon 
arrival,  the  host  precedes  them,  and  indicates  their 
places,  though  it  is  well  to  explain  their  relative 
positions  "  en  route  "  which  will  help  to  avoid  con- 
fusion. He  places  the  chaperon  next  himself  at 
one  end  of  the  row,  or  asks  her  to  enter  first, 
which  will  bring  her  at  the  other  end.  The  first 
arrangement  is  the  usual  one. 

After  the  play  he  goes  a  little  in  advance  of  his 
friends,  to  give  the  porter  the  carriage  check.  A 
small  tip  accelerates  the  arrival  of  the  vehicle. 

A   little   supper    follows,    either   at    the    host's 
265 


ETIQUETTE      FOR     ALL      OCCASIONS 

bachelor  apartments,  at  his  club  annex,  or  at  a  res- 
taurant of  reputation  —  never  in  a  private  room. 
The  table  should  be  reserved,  the  supper  ordered, 
and  the  bill  settled  or  charged  to  the  host's  ac- 
count beforehand.  A  generous  tip  to  the  head- 
waiter  is  money  well  expended.  The  menu  not 
infrequently  consist  of  raw  oysters,  bouillon,  an 
entree,  birds,  hot  or  cold,  according  to  the  season, 
with  salad,  ices,  cakes,  and  coffee. 

The  host  leads  the  way  to  the  table  —  there  is 
no  formal  entry —  and  places  the  chair  for  the 
chaperon  at  his  right  or  opposite  his  own  place. 
A  small  centrepiece  of  flowers  is  arranged  so  as  to 
be  divided  between  the  ladies  just  before  leaving. 

After  supper,  the  host  accompanies  the  ladies 
to  the  residence  of  the  chaperon,  where  their 
maids  call  for  them.  The  other  men  usually  take 
their  leave  at  the  restaurant. 


266 


Chapter  Seventeenth  —  MUSICALS, 

THEATRICALS,    CARD-PARTIES 

[HE  two  secrets  of  successful  enter- 
taining are  originality  and  a  genius 
jj|)for  merry-making,"  says  a  clever 
writer,  and,  where  these  are  lacking, 
one  may  at  all  events  choose  the  less 
hackneyed  forms  of  festivity  wherewith  to  beguile 
one's  friends. 

For  a  musical  given  in  the  afternoon,  the  hostess 
writes  a  brief,  informal   message  on  her  visiting- 
card,  or  the  word    "  Music,"    and  the 
hour  at  which  she  desires  the  presence    musicais 
of  her  friends,  as  suggested  in  the  chap- 
ter treating  of  Invitations.     No  reply  is  expected. 
One  accepts  by  attending  or  sends  cards  on  the 
same  afternoon  if  unable  to  do  so. 

The  entertainment  is  conducted  in  precisely  the 
same  manner  as  an  afternoon  tea,  the  visitors,  of 
course,  entering  quietly  while  the  music  is  in  prog- 
ress, the  hostess  rising  to  greet  them,  —  if  she  is 
not  standing  at  the  drawing-room  door — with 
a  whispered  word  of  welcome. 

During  the  intermissions,  which  last  about 
twenty  minutes,  people  come  and  go,  chat  to- 
gether, and  take  some  light  refreshment  in  the 
dining-room,  where  one  or  two  young  girls  are 
seated  at  a  table  to  serve  tea  and  chocolate. 
267 


ETIQUETTE     FOR     ALL     OCCASIONS 

An  evening  musical  is  a  drawing-room  concert, 

the  form  of  invitation  for  which  has  been  given 

in  a  previous  chapter.     The  rooms  are 

An  evening  deared  of  all  furnjture  that  cannot  be 

musical 

set  against  the  walls,  and  made  attrac- 
tive with  flowers  and  palms.  The  piano  is  moved 
up  near  the  end  of  the  main  drawing-room,  and  a 
small  stage  is  generally  erected  at  its  extreme 
end,  covered  with  rugs,  and  a  couple  of  chairs,  a 
table,  a  palm  in  a  handsome  pot,  and  a  few  flowers 
give  it  the  appearance  of  a  pleasant  room.  All 
the  rest  of  the  room  space  is  filled  with  rows  of 
small  light  folding-chairs,  leaving  an  aisle  between. 
These  may  be  rented. 

The  dining-room  table  is  set  and  decorated  as 
for  a  reception,  if  a  supper  is  to  follow.  This 
may  be  bountiful  or  as  modest  as  one  please; 
either  is  in  good  taste.  Punch  or  wine-cup  may 
replace  champagne. 

The  guests  upon  their  arrival  are  directed  to 
dressing-rooms  to  remove  their  wraps.  The  host- 
ess welcomes  them  at  the  drawing-room  door,  the 
host  by  her  side,  and  they  then  pass  to  their  seats, 
making  their  own  selection,  generally  where  they 
find  personal  friends.  Programmes  are  distributed. 

As  the  rooms  fill  and  the  seating  capacity  grows 
less  evident,  the  host  should  devote  himself  to 
finding  places  for  the  later  arrivals,  reserving  the 
seats  nearest  the  door  when  possible. 

After  the  music  has  begun,  the  hostess  takes  a 
seat  near  the  entrance,  rising  of  course  to  greet 
268 


MUSICALS,    THEATRICALS,    CARD-PARTIES 

each   newcomer,  and  the  host  continues  cicerone 
duty. 

It  is  only  considerate  that  the  guests  should 
make  every  effort  to  be  punctual. 

When  the  music  is  over,  all  rise,  and  the  com- 
pany gathers  into  groups  to  chat  a  few  moments 
while  servants  clear  the  room  expeditiously  of  the 
superabundant  folding-chairs.  The  door  leading 
to  the  dining-room  is  then  opened ;  the  women  seat 
themselves  where  they  please,  and  the  men,  aided 
by  the  servants,  bring  them  refreshments,  either 
in  the  usual  order  of  bouillon,  an  entree,  salad 
with  sandwich,  an  ice,  and  a  glass  of  punch,  or  as 
each  may  elect.  The  men  briefly  attend  to  their 
own  claims  of  appetite  "  between  whiles,"  chatting 
together  meantime.  The  guests,  of  course,  wear 
full  evening  dress,  the  women's  somewhat  less 
elaborate  than  ball  attire. 

The  arrangement  of  the  rooms,  the  provision 
for  serving  the  supper,  programmes,  chairs,  dress- 
ing-rooms, the  duties  of  host  and  host- 
ess   for    drawing-room    theatricals    are  theatricals 
precisely  similar  to  those  for  an  even- 
ing   musical,   but    of    course    the    curtain,    foot- 
lights, backgrounds,  stage  properties  and  furnish- 
ings, dressing-rooms  for  the  men  and  women,  the 
"  green  room,"  are  matters  of  technical  knowledge, 
unconnected  with  etiquette. 

The  "  civil  code,"  or  code  of  civility,  however, 
has  its  place.     Human  nature  appears  very  ignoble 
when  its  vanity  is  stirred  and  betrays  itself.     They 
269 


ETIQUETTE     FOR     ALL      OCCASIONS 

are  usually  favorites  behind  the  scenes,  as  well  as 
before  the  footlights,  who  are  more  anxious  to 
give  pleasure  than  to  display  their  own  accom- 
plishments or  attractions,  and  advancement  always 
comes  to  those  who  fill  well  a  little  place. 

A  popular  form  of  theatricals  is  the  illustration 
of  a  comedy  by  tableaux.  The  play  or -poem  is 
read  aloud,  and  the  curtain  rises  from  time  to  time, 
as  one  would  turn  the  page  of  a  book  and  come 
upon  an  illustration.  It  is  a  curious  fact  that 
rarely  is  the  reader  well  qualified  for  the  part.  To 
read  aloud  acceptably  he  must  have  an  agreeable, 
well-modulated  voice,  and  be  so  unconscious  of 
self  that  no  one  else  will  think  of  him.  Attention 
should  be  centred  in  the  matter,  not  the  man.  One 
has  only  to  read  with  the  same  interest,  anima- 
tion, and  freshness  with  which  one  would  natur- 
ally relate  anything  if  desirous  of  pleasing  one's 
hearers. 

Jealousy  is  said  to  flourish  apace  in  the  atmos- 
phere of  private  theatricals.  Now  jealousy  belongs 
to  the  moral  sphere — or  the  immoral  —  but  its 
betrayal  is  a  sin  against  good  manners. 

The    playthings    invented    to    divert    the    sixth 

Charles  of  France  in   his   moody  madness    have 

been  favorite   toys  of  every  age  since 

Card       his  time,   so  abused   a   hundred   years 
parties  -      . 

ago  that   the  drawing-room  of  almost 

every  fashionable  woman  in  London  was  a  gam- 
bling salon,  until  the  reaction  set  in  and  cards  were 
banished  as  the  "  devil's  tools." 
270 


MUSICALS,     THEATRICALS,    CARD-PARTIES 

Being  reinstated  in  respectability,  a  card  party 
is  now  one  of  the  informal,  simple  entertainments 
that  may  call  friends  pleasantly  together  without 
entailing  much  trouble  or  expense. 

The  drawing-rooms  are  filled  with  small  tables, 
their  number  of  course  depending  upon  the  num- 
ber of  guests,  and  the  hostess  is  ready  to  receive 
her  friends  at  about  eight  o'clock.  Dressing-rooms 
are  provided. 

When  all  are  assembled,  the  hostess  or  some 
young  girl  presents  to  each  guest  in  turn  a  basket 
of  loose  flowers.  Each  lady  takes  a  posy  from 
the  basket,  and  each  man  a  boutonniere.  Those 
who  happen  to  get  the  same  kind  of  flowers  play 
together  as  partners.  Paper  flowers  may  be  sub- 
stituted for  natural  ones,  if  desired. 

The  rooms  should  be  so  lighted  that  the  players 
at  every  table  can  see  their  hands  clearly  and  yet 
no  one's  eyes  be  tired  by  the  glare  of  a  light 
directly  in  front  of  him.  The  winners  at  each 
table  change  their  seats  at  every  game,  moving  on 
to  each  table  in  turn. 

Prizes  are  awarded,  a  light  supper  is  served 
or  simple  refreshments  are  passed  around,  after 
which  the  guests  withdraw,  or  occasionally  linger 
for  a  little  music,  if  some  one  present  is  proficient 
and  obliging. 

The  prizes  are  not  seen  until  the  moment  of 

their  bestowal  by  the  hostess.     They  should  not 

be  so  handsome  as  to  be  coveted  for  themselves, 

but  only  given  to  make  the  little  victory  more  con- 

271 


ETIQUETTE     FOR     ALL      OCCASIONS 

spicuous.  It  is  a  distinction  with  a  difference. 
How  glory  would  be  cheapened  if  a  heroic  deed 
were  undertaken  for  some  definite  reward  offered, 
instead  of  being  prompted  by  a  man's  own  gener- 
ous impulse  and  the  reward  accepted  but  as  a 
recognition  of  the  service  from  those  who  would 
honor  the  hero. 

It  is  always  a  pity  to  spoil  an  innocent  pleasure, 
—  which  alone  brings  real  recreation.  To  play 
for  money  or  for  a  prize  debases  the  game  as  well 
as  the  players,  the  honor  of  winning  no  longer 
being  sufficient.  It  is  now  the  custom  for  all  who 
have  not  won  the  first  or  second  prize  to  draw  for 
the  "  booby"  or  "  consolation"  prize,  that  the  least 
deserving  member  shall  not  be  ranked  with  the 
winners. 

Athough  under  the  circumstances  that  we  have 

been  considering,  there  is  rarely  any  exhibition  of 

annoyance  at  another's  mistake  —  any 

our  esy    japse    from  courtesy  —  yet  a  game  of 
cards   sometimes    brings  about   revela- 
tions of  character  that  are  far  from  gratifying. 

Some  careless  players  exasperate  the  earnest 
ones  who  are  interested  in  the  result  of  the  game, 
by  continually  making  mistakes,  forgetting  to  play 
until  reminded,  asking  periodically  what  the  trump 
is,  dealing  the  cards  in  a  careless  way  that  offends 
those  accustomed  to  their  deft  handling.  Such 
persons  are  usually  thinking  of  themselves,  not 
the  game,  and  would  like  to  centre  general  atten- 
tion upon  the  same  object. 
272 


MUSICALS,    THEATRICALS,     CARD-PARTIES 

Some  players  are  lazy,  leaving  to  others  all  the 
little  services ;  others  are  selfish,  claiming  all  their 
rights  with  never  a  generous  refusal  to  profit  by 
an  inadvertence. 

A  loss  of  temper  is  the  worst  fault  of  all,  and 
any  one  with  any  pretence  to  the  name  of  lady  or 
gentleman  would  never  show  anything  but  the 
most  unruffled  amiability.  A  past  mistake  made 
by  another  should  never  be  referred  to,  and  a 
criticism  must  be  made  very  courteously  to  the 
person  at  fault,  never  to  others  concerning  his 
play.  The  principles  of  Christian  courtesy  cover 
all  the  ground. 


18  273 


Chapter  Eighteenth— ENTERTAINING 

A   HOUSE   PARTY 

PROSPERITY  is  not  complete  until 
'shared  with  others,  and  hospitality 
has  its  highest  impulse  in  the  desire 
to  confer  pleasure. 

One  of  its  most  charming  forms 
is  the  entertainment  of  several  guests  under  the 
same  roof  for  consecutive  days,  for  which  we 
have  adopted  the  English  name  of  "  house 
party."  Few  town  houses  are  capacious  enough 
for  such  reunions,  but  in  the  country  we  have 
"  all  out-doors,"  and  the  house  seems  of  second- 
dary  importance. 

The  Chinese  have  a  standard  book  of  etiquette, 
said  to  be  the  first  ever  published,  written  at  the 
Emperor's  request  eighteen  hundred  and  twenty 
years  ago  !  Its  precepts  are  applicable  as  though 
written  for  to-day.  Among  them  is  the  follow- 
ing: "  As  a  guest,  demand  nothing.  As  a  hostess, 
exhaust  hospitality." 

All  invitations  are  sent  as  early  as  possible  to 

avoid    disappointment.      An    incongruous    party 

is  sometimes   the  result  of   delay,  the 

The 

invitations  Suests  eventually  assembled  being  quite 
different  from  those  whose  pleasure  the 
hostess  had  sought  to  further  when  asking  them 
274 


ENTERTAINING    A     HOUSE    PARTY 

to  meet  each  other.  As  has  been  said  elsewhere, 
all  invitations  are  given  in  the  name  of  the  lady  of 
the  house,  though  a  man  may  not  hesitate,  of 
course,  to  accept  the  invitation  of  his  host.  It  is, 
however,  more  complimentary  if  it  come  from  his 
hostess. 

It  has  been  found  that  the  pleasantest  results 
follow  when  the  invitations  are  extended  for  a 
week  or  more.  When  persons  have  the  prospect 
of  spending  a  week  under  the  same  roof,  they 
make  rapid  strides  in  acquaintanceship,  but  for 
a  shorter  time  they  rarely  seem  able  at  first  to 
divest  themselves  of  a  certain  formality  and  re- 
straint. We  copy  the  frankness  of  the  English 
hostess  in  asking  our  guests  for  a  definite  period, 
in  deference  to  plans  for  other  visitors.  An  invita- 
tion for  "a  few  days"  is  ambiguous  and  puzzling 
to  the  recipient.  A  time-table  is  sometimes  en- 
closed, indicating  the  train  or  boat  to  be  taken  if 
convenient,  or  the  hostess  writes,  "I  think  the  train 
that  you  would  find  most  agreeable  is ,  reach- 
ing here  about  five,  just  in  time  for  a  cup  of  tea  after 
your  journey  and  a  rest  before  dinner." 

The  names  of  the  other  guests  are  usually  men- 
tioned, and  some  idea  given  of  the  proposed  sports 
and  gayeties,  that  it  may  be  known  what  to  provide 
in  the  matter  of  dress. 

One  or  two  extra  men  are  often  asked,  to  add 
zest  to  the  enjoyment  of  the  young  people. 

To  give  one's  friends  days  of  pleasant  occupa- 
tion and  evenings  of  amusement    and  recreation, 
275 


ETIQUETTE     TOR     ALL     OCCASIONS 

while  at  the  same  time  so  arranging  domestic 
matters  as  to  insure  their  every  comfort,  is  no  slight 

Sugges-  undertaking.  It  is  a  consoling  thought 
tions  to  the  however,  that  where  there  are  many 

hostess  guests,  they  entertain  each  other,  and 
the  trouble  may  be  minimized  by  observing  a  few 
simple  rules. 

First,  I  would  suggest  to  the  hostess  that  she 
assume  nothing,  that  she  try  to  appear  no  wealth- 
ier, no  better  born,  in  no  better  social  position 
than  she  in  truth  is.  Every  true  home  has  an 
individuality  of  its  own  that  constitutes  its  greatest 
charm. 

A  temporary  relief  from  the  formalities  of  life 
is  one  of  the  charms  of  a  country  visit.  I  have 
noticed  that  dress  sets  the  prevailing  tone  and 
customs  of  a  place  more  than  anything  else,  and 
fond  as  we  women  are  of  "  chiffons,"  emancipation 
from  their  tyranny  is  usually  enjoyed  when  the 
hostess  and  her  familiar  friends  set  the  example  of 
simplicity  of  attire. 

In  order  to  be  comparatively  care-free  and  that 
the  domestic  machinery  may  run  with  the  desired 
precision,  before  the  arrival  of  visitors  each  servant 
should  be  carefully  instructed  in  his  or  her  duties. 
A  tactful  mistress  will  make  them  her  trusted 
allies,  and  she  may  then  devote  herself  with 
greater  freedom  to  her  guests. 

The  secret  of  entertaining  with  ease  is  to  live 
well  every  day.  If  the  table  linen  be  fresh,  the 
glass  and  silver  well  cared  for,  the  table  dainty 
276 


ENTERTAINING    A    HOUSE     PARTY 

with  flowers  or  growing  ferns,  a  few  dishes  well 
cooked  and  properly  served,  we  have  but  to  add 
a  little  more  in  quantity  to  fit  the  table  for  guests. 

A  merry  sweet-tempered  woman,  who  has  at 
heart  simply  the  desire  that  her  friends  shall  have 
a  "  thoroughly  good  time,"  rarely  fails  of  success. 
There  is  a  fine  contagion  in  bright  spirits  and 
sweet  temper,  and  guests  reflect  the  mood  of  their 
entertainer. 

The  house  itself  may  be  helpful  in  making  visi- 
tors feel  at  home.  We  should  have  nothing  too 

fine  for  comfort,  and  welcome  our  friends  _ 

The  house 
in  rooms  made  homelike  by  our  daily 

use.  Nothing  but  living  in  it  will  take  the  stiff- 
ness out  of  a  room. 

The  ideal  room  for  the  entertainment  of  guests 
in  the  country  is  a  large,  cheerful  living-room, 
that  shall  be  library,  music,  and  drawing-room 
all  in  one,  —  the  heart  and  soul  of  the  house.  If 
it  is  large,  the  party  may  the  more  easily  break 
up  into  congenial  groups  and  enjoy  themselves 
without  interference  with  one  another. 

In  a  room  where  there  are  comfortable  chairs,  a 
luxurious  divan  with  many  pillows,  a  piano  where 
the  player  faces  the  room,  growing  plants,  fresh 
flowers,  lamps  conveniently  placed,  new  books 
and  music,  the  latest  magazines,  games,  and 
photographs,  visitors  may  be  trusted  to  amuse 
themselves. 

If  it  be  possible  to  set  apart  a  smalt  room  as  a 
"  den,"  where  the  men  may  luxuriate  in  complete 
277 


ETIQUETTE     FOR      ALL     OCCASIONS 

liberty,  it  will  be  warmly  appreciated.     Here  they 
will  feel  that  they  are  on  their  own  ground. 

If  it  be  so  situated  as  to  benefit  by  passing 
breezes,  if  provided  with  a  commodious  desk  in  a 
well-lighted  corner  supplied  with  the  wherewithal 
for  writing,  and  conveniences  for  lounging  and 
smoking,  men  will  not  be  critical  of  the  furnishing. 
Relics  of  the  host's  bachelor  days,  often  relegated 
to  the  attic,  may  here  be  given  places  of  honor, 
and  are  apt  to  furnish  texts  for  a  good  story  or 
pleasing  reminiscence,  when  the  joys  of  congenial 
companionship  detain  the  friends  until  the  "wee 
sma'  hours." 

The  furnishing  of  the  guest-rooms  may  be  sim- 
plicity itself,  but  they  should  be  attractive,  comfort- 
able, neat,  and  cheerful.     Each  should 

The  guest-  j^  provided  with  a  rest-inviting  lounge, 
rooms 

a  clock,  a  few  readable  books,  a  basket 

containing  sewing  materials,  a  screen, — where 
two  persons  share  a  room,  and  in  that  case  prefer- 
ably two  small  beds,  —  a  waste-paper  basket,  and 
all  conveniences  for  writing.  A  card  should  be 
placed  with  the  stationery,  giving  detailed  infor- 
mation about  the  mails  and  where  outgoing  let- 
ters may  be  placed.  A  calendar  is  a  convenience 
that  will  be  appreciated.  A  folded  slumber-robe 
on  the  end  of  the  lounge,  an  extra  blanket  at  the 
foot  of  the  bed,  a  whisk  broom,  a  lamp,  candle, 
and  matches,  cologne  or  some  toilet  water,  plenty  of 
fresh  water  and  towels,  with  a  new  cake  of  soap  on 
the  washstand,  —  all  these  should  not  be  forgotten. 
278 


ENTERTAINING    A    HOUSE    PARTY 

Every  hostess  should  occupy  her  own  guest- 
chamber  long  enough  to  have  its  deficiencies 
revealed  to  her.  The  dressing-table  will  then  be 
placed  in  a  good  light,  the  bells  to  summon  the 
maid  will  be  in  order,  a  bath-gown  will  not  be 
forgotten  if  a  bathroom  be  not  adjoining,  and 
many  little  comforts  will  be  added. 

Visitors  will  be  glad  to  occupy  such  a  room, 
and  grateful  to  be  left  to  themselves  for  a  time 
each  day  to  rest,  read,  or  write  letters.  After  such 
an  interval  the  renewed  intercourse  will  be  the 
more  appreciated. 

Previous  to  the  arrival  of  her  friends,  the  hostess 
should  visit  every  room  which  they  are  to  occupy. 
Her  personal  touch  is  needed  and  will       The 
be  recognized.      Rarely  does  a  servant    arrival  of 
understand  that  neatness  does  not  mean  the  &uests 
stiffness,    and    "  artistic    disorder "   is   to   them   a 
meaningless  term.      A  few  fresh  flowers,  an  easy, 
chair  drawn  up  near  the  pleasantest  window,  little 
touches  thoughtfully  given,  make  a  room  seem  a 
bit  of  home,  and  bring  assurance  to  a  friend  that 
his  or  her  coming  has  been  anticipated  with  pleas- 
ure.    Plenty  of  sweet,  fresh  air,  too,  gives  a  sense 
of  well-being  upon  crossing  the  threshold. 

In  the  country  visitors  are  always  met  at  sta- 
tions and  steamer  landings  —  if  possible  by  some 
member  of  the  family,  who  gives  them  the  heart- 
iest of  welcomes,  and  from  the  moment  of  their 
arrival  takes  them  in  charge.  A  private  convey- 
ance for  their  luggage,  which  shall  immediately 
279 


ETIQUETTE     FOR      ALL      OCCASIONS 

follow  the  visitors,  is  a  great  convenience,  saving 
annoyance  and  sometimes  embarrassment  when  the 
expressmen  are  more  than  usually  dilatory. 

The  hostess  may  greet  her  friends  at  the  house 
door  with  smiling  eagerness,  or  they  may  be  ush- 
ered into  the  sitting-room  or  library,  according  to 
the  degree  of  intimacy.  Her  welcome  is,  of  course, 
cordiality  itself. 

The  hostess  conducts  her  women  guests  to  their 
rooms,  or  a  daughter  of  the  house  may  show  that 
attention,  or  it  may  be  delegated  to  a  trusty  maid. 

A  well-trained  housemaid  is  at  hand,  upon  the  ar- 
rival of  a  woman  guest,  to  take  her  travelling-bag, 
umbrella,  or  whatever  she  may  be  carrying,  and  if 
she  has  not  brought  her  own  maid  (which  in  this 
country  is  not  usual)  she  leads  —  or  follows  if  the 
hostess  accompany  her  —  to  her  room.  Having 
assisted  her  to  remove  her  bonnet  and  wraps,  the 
maid  asks  for  the  keys  of  her  trunk,  so  that  upon 
its  arrival  she  may  unpack  her  gowns  and  put  away 
her  other  belongings,  offers  her  tea  or  a  glass  of 
wine  and  a  biscuit  if  the  arrival  is  at  an  hour  to 
warrant  it,  prepares  her  bath  and  leaves  her  to  re- 
pose, after  informing  her  of  the  dinner-hour,  car- 
rying with  her  the  travelling  gown  and  shoes  for  a 
thorough  brushing.  When  it  is  time  to  dress  for 
dinner,  the  maid  taps  at  the  door  and  proffers  her 
assistance,  explaining  that  her  services  will  be  at 
the  lady's  disposal  at  certain  times  before  each  meal. 

Should  the  maid  not  be  sufficiently  capable  to 
unpack  the  trunks,  she  should  at  least  unstrap  and 
280 


ENTERTAINING    A    HOUSE    PARTY 

unlock  them,  lift  out  the  heaviest  trays,  and  place 
them  on  two  chairs  facing  each  other  and  cover 
them  with  fresh  towels  until  such  time  as  the  lady 
herself  may  desire  to  put  the  contents  away  in  the 
drawers  and  closets. 

Men  are  shown  to  their  rooms  by  servants,  and 
in  some  houses  one  is  detailed  to  perform  the 
principal  duties  of  a  valet  for  them  during  their 
visit.  A  youth  of  very  slender  abilities  and  at 
modest  wages  may  be  taught  to  brush  the  men's 
clothes,  prepare  the  baths,  lay  out  their  clothes,  act 
as  their  general  factotum,  and  proVe  useful  about 
the  house  in  many  ways.  Such  a  servant  is  apt  to 
reap  a  liberal  harvest  of  "  tips  "  that  greatly  assists 
his  efficiency. 

Hosts  and  guests  meet  in  the  drawing  or  living 
room  before  the  meals,  that  a  late-comer  may  not 
be  embarrassed    by  the  consciousness       The 
that  others    have    been  waiting.      Not  meeting  of 
more    than    fifteen   minutes   should    be  the  guests 
allowed  for  all  to  assemble.  for  dinner 

Men  are  expected  to  wear  evening  dress  for  din- 
ner, but  women  may  wear  demi-toilette  if  there  are 
no  outside  guests  and  the  party  be  small. 

If  the  dinner  is  served  from  a  side-table  and 
everything  passed  by  the  servants,  the  necessity 
is  obviated  of  having  hot  dishes  upon  the  table,  — 
an  advantage  in  warm  weather,  and  if  all  the  light 
is  supplied  by  candles,  the  absence  of  glare  is  rest- 
ful and  favorable  to  advances  in  acquaintanceship. 

Fresh  flowers  upon  the  table  in  the  country  are 
281 


ETIQUETTE     FOR     ALL      OCCASIONS 

almost  as  much  a  matter  of  course  as  the  food,  but 
if  for  any  reason  they  are  not  procurable,  a  centre- 
piece of  growing  ferns  and  mats  of  leaves  under 
the  dishes  may  suggest  the  effect  of  cool  freshness 
in  their  stead. 

At  the  first  dinner  a  name  card  at  each  place, 
with  some  quotation  so  appropriate  as  to  serve  as 
a  comprehensive  introduction  of  the  guests  to  each 
other,  breaks  down  barriers  of  formality;  such, 
for  instance,  as  — 

"  A  man  he  seems  of  cheerful  yesterdays 
And  confident  to-morrows." —  Wordsworth, 

"  His  library  is  dukedom  large  enough."  —  Shakespeare. 

"  He  knows  what 's  what,  and  that 's  as  high 
As  metaphysic  wit  can  fly."  —  Butler's  "  Hudibras" 

When  the  same  persons  meet  at  dinner,  night 
after  night,  it  is  wise  to  vary  the  order  in  which 
they  are  seated,  in  order  to  add  the  spice  of 
variety. 

The  first  evening  is  always  the  most  difficult  for 
the  hostess.     If  devoted  to  games,  any  feeling  of 
Th         strangeness  or  stiffness   usually  disap- 
evening's   pears.     Often   a   guest  will    unexpect- 
entertain-  edly  reveal    some   entertaining   quality 
ment      —  character-reading,  banjo-playing,  for- 
tune-telling, sleight  of  hand,  story-telling,  whistling, 
palmistry,  or  other    "  parlor  tricks  "  —  as  society 
slang  has  it. 

An  evening  devoted  to  music  might  follow  next, 
and  much   unsuspected   talent  is  often    revealed. 
282 


ENTERTAINING    A    HOUSE    PARTY 

Nearly  every  one  has  something  to  contribute 
when  the  plan  for  diversion  does  not  change  so 
rapidly  as  to  give  one  no  opportunity,  and  people 
enjoy  themselves  when  they  find  that  they  are 
giving  pleasure.  If  a  little  programme  of  enter- 
tainment is  made  in  advance,  the  intention  must 
never  be  obvious,  and  a  clever  hostess  keeps  in 
reserve  suggestions  to  be  brought  forward  when 
interest  flags. 

Of  all  accomplishments,  entertaining  conversa- 
tion is  the  most  useful  at  a  house  party.  The 
talents  of  a  good  story-teller  are  much  appre- 
ciated, and  often  lie  dormant  until  aroused  by  the 
example  of  others.  A  hostess  may  ask  each  one 
in  turn,  when  gathered  about  a  cheery  wood  fire 
on  a  chilly  evening  or  on  the  piazza  on  a  warm 
one,  to  relate  the  most  thrilling  adventure  or  the 
most  embarrassing  situation  of  his  or  her  life. 
The  result  generally  proves  interesting.  Nearly 
every  one  enjoys  reminiscencing  and  few  are  averse 
to  being  the  heroes  of  their  own  tales,  with  the  priv- 
ilege, of  course,  of  suppressing  what  they  please. 

Recitation  is  with  some  a  favorite  mode  of  en- 
tertainment, but  a  talent  for  reading  aloud  accept- 
ably is  often  more  welcome  because  apparently 
less  pretentious.  The  secret  of  it  lies  in  utter 
forgetfulness  of  self,  and  in  telling  the  story  simply 
and  intelligently  as  one  would,  without  a  book, 
narrate  something  known  to  one's  self  but  new 
to  one's  audience,  the  eyes  meantime  running 
ahead  of  the  voice  to  note  the  proper  emphasis. 
283 


ETIQUETTE      FOR      ALL      OCCASIONS 

It  is  the  part  of  the  hostess  to  suggest  retiring 
for  the  night.     It  relieves  visitors  of  embarrass- 
ment to  know  the  ways  of  the  house- 
ing  to    ^01^  ancj  a  readiness  to  comply   with 
them  is  a  mark  of  politeness.     It  may 
be  well,  however,  for  the  hostess  to  say :  "  We  are 
accustomed  to  what  may  seem  early  hours  to  you, 
so    do    not   let   our    movements   influence   yours. 
Here  are  books  and  papers.     Please  follow  your 
own  inclinations."     Before  leaving  her  visitors,  the 
hostess  asks  at  what  time  they  wish  to  be  wakened 
in  the  morning. 

It  is  well  to  have  easy  rules  about  breakfast.  It 
is  customary  to  give  one's  guests  the  option  of 
having  tea  or  coffee,  rolls,  eggs,  and  fruit  sent  to 
their  rooms  or  of  joining  the  family  where  it  is 
their  custom  to  breakfast  together. 

When  the  guests  go  to  their  rooms,  they  should 
find  the  gas  or  lamps  lighted,  the  beds  opened  and 
prepared,  and  the  night  clothes,  dressing-gowns, 
and  slippers  laid  ready  at  hand. 

In  the  morning  a  maid  taps  at  the  door  of  a 
woman    guest,    asks    at   what   time  and    at   what 
Attentions  temperature    she   will    have    her   bath, 
of  servants  raises    the    shades    or    lights    the    fire 
to  the      when    required,  and  brings  the    break- 
fast tray  if  she  prefers  to  breakfast  in 
her  room. 

In   wealthy   and   well-appointed     households  a 
valet  does  the  same  for  the  men,  but  everywhere 
hot  water  for  shaving  is  brought  if  the  house  is 
284 


ENTERTAINING    A    HOUSE    PARTY 

not  supplied  with  running  water,  and  the  guest's 
shoes  are  carefully  polished. 

If  the  breakfast  is  served  in  the  bedrooms,  the 
tray  should  be  daintily  furnished  and  inviting  in 
appearance,  and  as  soon  as  the  breakfast  is  eaten 
the  tray  should  be  removed. 

Experienced    entertainers  recommend  that  the 
men  generally  spend  their  mornings  together,  and 
the  Women  seek  pleasure  in  each  other's  Entertain- 
society,    unless    some   game    or   sport     ing  the 
is  planned    in   which    both    may   take     &uests 
equal  pleasure.      All  meet   at   luncheon.     If  the 
morning  is  occupied  in  an  expedition,  the  guests 
should  be  left  to  rest  and  amuse  themselves  in  the 
afternoon,   reserving   for  the  evening  any  special 
effort   for  their   entertainment. 

In  town  amusements  resemble  each  other,  but 
in  the  country  the  seasons  and  surroundings  intro- 
duce variety.  Golf,  tennis,  croquet,  boating,  bath- 
ing, fishing,  bicycling,  riding,  and  driving  fill  the 
days  pleasantly. 

Walks  through  woods  and  shady  lanes  may  lead 
to  some  picturesque  spot  where  a  surprise  lun- 
cheon is  set  forth,  —  sent  in  advance. 

If  the  stables  are  ample,  guests  are  sometimes 
invited  to  bring  their  saddle-horses.  Archery  has 
had  a  popular  revival,  and  when  some  trifling  prize 
is  competed  for,  it  seems  to  find  favor.  Photog- 
raphy always  enlists  interest,  and  the  man  who 
can  temper  justice  with  mercy  when  his  fellow 
guests  are  his  subjects  is  deservedly  popular. 
285 


ETIQUETTE      FOR     ALL      OCCASIONS 

The  pleasantest  additions  to  a  house  party  are 
often  those  who  are  poor  in  purse  but  rich  in 
thought.  Knowing  that  they  cannot  return  the 
courtesies  of  their  hosts  in  kind,  they  do  it  in 
kindness. 

There  is  often  a  pleasant  interchange  of  neigh- 
borly hospitality.  A  cold  luncheon  served  on  a 
breezy  vine-screened  piazza  gives  pleasure  to  city 
people  by  its  novelty,  who  appreciate  for  the  same 
reason  the  "dear  common  flowers "  on  the  table 
and  about  the  house  more  than  the  rarest  exotics, 
and  rugs  spread  on  the  lawn,  with  chairs  and 
small  tables  grouped  under  the  trees,  make  a  pleas- 
ant setting  for  afternoon  tea. 

An  informal  call  and  a  chat  over  a  cup  of  tea 
on  a  neighbor's  piazza  may  be  enjoyed  by  two  or 
three  guests  at  a  time.  The  house  and  grounds 
may  prove  interesting,  and  the  shifting  of  the  r61e 
of  hostess  to  other  shoulders  for  a  little  while  is 
sometimes  gratifying  —  for  variety.  Of  course, 
the  most  intimate  neighbors  are  invited  to  meet 
one's  friends  at  some  informal  gathering.  A  cere- 
monious hospitality  in  the  country  seems  to  do 
violence  to  the  "  eternal  fitness  of  things." 

A   continuous   devotion  of  the  hostess  to   her 

guests    becomes    burdensome   to    both.     A   little 

time  should  be  given  one's  guests  each 

hoste        ^ay  ^or  res*»  privacy,  and  perfect  free- 
dom,   although     persons    absent    from 
home  and  having  no  routine  of  duty  or  cares  of 
any  sort  are  usually  glad  to  be  taken  possession 
286 


ENTERTAINING    A     HOUSE    PARTY 

of  and  find  their  time  agreeably  filled  for  them. 
This,  however,  may  easily  be  overdone.  A  hostess 
may  with  all  propriety  excuse  herself  for  a  time, 
after  seeing  that  her  guest  has  the  wherewithal  to 
amuse  herself,  in  order  to  attend  to  her  domestic 
duties  or  enjoy  the  society  of  her  own  family.  No 
special  change  need  be  made  in  the  family  life 
when  entertaining  a  house  party.  Friendships 
take  deeper  root  when  the  conditions  are  not 
artificial. 

The  model  hostess  makes  her  visitors  feel  per- 
fectly at  home.  She  observes  their  real  tastes.  If 
they  are  fond  of  books,  she  lets  them  read  in 
peace.  The  obvious  effort  to  entertain  defeats  its 
object.  She  is  so  natural  herself  that  they  are  at 
ease,  drop  their  unconscious  masks  and  are 
themselves. 

She  does  not  run  in  and  out  of  her  guest-rooms, 
but  when  she  is  there,  she  acts  as  though  she  were 
the  visitor. 

No  hostess  apologizes  for  any  guest.  All  are  on 
the  same  social  plane  while  under  her  roof,  and 
should  receive  equal  consideration.  It  is  the  worst 
possible  taste  to  make  any  distinctions. 

Servants  must  watch  their  opportunity  to  put 
the  rooms  in  order  frequently,  in  the  absence  of 

the  visitors.     Work  should    not   be  in 

•  ,  ,1  ,   .   ,,  Servants' 

evidence  more  than  is  strictly  necessary.      duties 

Some  unimportant  things  may  be  given 
up  while  one  has  visitors  that  the  servants  may 
have  more  available  time  to  devote  to  them. 
287 


ETIQUETTE     FOR     ALL     OCCASIONS 

In  English  country-houses  the  difficulty  is  rec- 
ognized of  finding  the  scattered  visitors  in  order 
Announc-  to  announce  the  meals,  and  a  gong  is 

ing  the     sounded  for  the  purpose,  as  well  as  to 

meals  notify  them  of  the  time  to  dress,  half 
an  hour  before  dinner.  The  new  cathedral  chimes 
make  a  musical  and  charming  substitute  for  a 
gong. 

At  table,  it  is  no  longer  considered  good  form 
to  press  a  guest  to  eat,  as  though  he  needed  to  be 
encouraged  like  a  child  withheld  by  bashfulness 
from  satisfying  himself.  If  anything  is  refused,  the 
hostess  should  not  notice  it ;  but  if  she  has  heard  a 
guest  express  a  liking  for  anything,  it  is  a  pleasure 
to  gratify  it,  and  such  little  attentions  always  please. 

If  anything  go  wrong,  unless  it  is  very  obvious, 
to  apologize  for  it  is  often  to  draw  attention  to 
what  would  otherwise  escape  notice.  A  plate  of 
fruit  placed  in  the  guest-rooms  is  usually  appre- 
ciated, for  people  are  always  hungry  when  they 
are  visiting,  and  the  hours  for  meals  may  not  coin- 
cide with  their  habits. 

One  feels  personally  responsible  for  the  weather 
when  one  has  visitors,  like  the  countrywoman  who 

having  invited  the  minister  for  tea  ex- 
Rainy  days  ° 

pressed  herself  as     so  mortified  because 

it  rained !  "  The  prospect  of  a  rainy  day  seems 
dismal  and  depressing.  Then  is  the  time  to  suggest 
some  plan  for  which  preparation  must  be  made,- 
charades,  tableaux  in  their  more  modern  develop- 
ment of  representing  famous  paintings  or  adver- 
888 


ENTERTAINING    A    HOUSE    PARTY 

tisements,  a  lawn-party  "costume,"  or  a  "cake 
walk"  where  emulation  takes  the  form  of  absurd- 
ity, or,  if  time  permit,  a  barn-dance. 

As  the  Fourth  Commandment  makes  the  hosts 
responsible  for  the  "  stranger  within  their  gates," 
they  may  at  least  throw  their  influ-  The 
ence  in  the  right  scale  by  inviting  the  problem  of 
guests  to  accompany  them  to  church,  Sunday 
and  by  placing  in  the  living-rooms  books  that 
are  not  less  readable  and  interesting  because 
they  appeal  to  one's  immortal  part.  In  the  even- 
ing the  hostess  may  assemble  her  guests  on 
the  piazza,  and  with  some  one  to  accompany 
them  on  a  piano  in  a  room  adjacent,  with  no  light 
but  the  stars,  most  persons  enjoy  singing  the 
old  familiar  hymns  in  chorus,  in  the  privacy  of  the 
darkness.  Or  a  lamp  may  be  placed  behind  one 
of  the  windows  leading  to  the  veranda,  and  all  may 
enjoy  the  fresh  air,  while  some  one  reads  aloud,  the 
men's  cigar-smoke  keeping  any  possible  mosquito 
at  bay.  There  are  many  games,  too,  that  lose  few 
attractions  by  being  adapted  to  the  spirit  of  the 
Christian  Sunday. 

It  shows  no  lack  of  cordiality  to  refrain  from 
urging  friends  to  extend  their  visit.  They  prob- 
ably have  other  pleasant  plans,  and  a 

J  Taking 

hostess  may  be  asking  a  great  favor  when      leave 

she  fancies  that  she  is  conferring  one. 

It  is  sufficient  to  express  regret  that  the  time 
for  separation  has  come,  and  hope  that  the  visit 
may  be  repeated. 

19  289 


ETIQUETTE     FOR     ALL     OCCASIONS 

The  remembrance  of  the  intercourse  will  be 
the  pleasanter  if  the  parting  has  been  a  reluctant 
one. 

When  a  man  is  to  depart  early  in  the  morning, 
he  takes  leave  of  his  hosts  and  their  friends  the 
evening  before,  and  a  servant  is  instructed  to  wake 
him  at  the  hour  desired  and  carry  his  breakfast 
to  his  room.  He  is  driven  to  the  station,  his  lug- 
gage being  sent  in  advance.  His  host  appears  in 
time  to  wish  him  godspeed. 

When  a  woman  guest  is  about  to  depart,  the 
services  of  a  maid  should  be  offered  to  aid  her  in 
packing.  Some  member  of  the  family  or  a  com- 
petent representative  should  see  to  it  that  a 
comfortable  breakfast  is  served  to  her,  that  the 
trap  is  at  the  door  in  good  time  to  take  her  to  the 
station  and  to  insure  also  that  her  boxes  arrive 
betimes.  Should  her  expected  journey  be  a  long 
one,  a  dainty  luncheon  should  be  put  up  for  her, 
—  an  attention  that  is  always  much  appreciated. 

With  a  woman  guest,  it  is  not  essential  that  her 
hosts  accompany  her  to  the  station,  but  they  see 
her  before  her  departure,  and  a  trusty  servant 
checks  her  trunk  and  sees  her  comfortably  sped 
upon  her  journey. 

Every  visitor  should  be  made  to  feel  that  his  or 
her  presence  has  added  to  the  pleasure  of  the 
entertainment  and  conferred  a  personal  gratifica- 
tion upon  the  hosts. 

Inpromptu  house-parties  are  occasionally  ar- 
ranged in  winter  after  a  snow-storm  or  sharp  frost- 
290 


ENTERTAINING    A    HOUSE    PARTY 

Merry  times  are  enjoyed,  but  such  parties  should 
be  carefully  chaperoned. 

The  entertainment  of  many  guests  at  a  time 
presupposes  a  comfortable  income,  but 

in  the  country  almost  any  hostess  may    Informal 

'  *      visitors 

open  her  doors  to  one  or  two  friends 

and  give  them  a  few  days  full  of  simple  pleasures. 

The  "  gentle  art  of  enjoying  ourselves "  rarely 
depends  upon  material  advantages.  Informal  fes- 
tivities usually  excite  more  spontaneous  enjoyment 
than  elaborate  functions,  and  in  the  country  earth, 
air,  sea,  and  sky  combine  to  make  one  happy  and 
serene,  and  we  enjoy  without  effort. 

Personal  qualities,  graciousness,  and  cordiality 
lift  simple  modes  of  hospitality  out  of  the  com- 
monplace. "  I  should  be  happy  to  see  my  friends 
if  I  had  only  ham-rinds  to  give  them  !  "  exclaimed 
one  enthusiast.  The  pleasure  might  not  be  mu- 
tual, but  there  spoke  the  true  spirit  of  hospitality. 

The  most  charming  hosts  are  those  who  enter- 
tain wisely  as  to  guests  and  simply  as  to  methods. 

If  agreeable  persons  decline  hospitalities  be- 
cause they  cannot  return  them  in  kind,  they  set 
too  high  a  value  on  material  things.  If  the  rich 
only  entertained  the  rich,  society  would  be  very 
uninteresting.  We  all  have  much  to  give  that 
money  cannot  buy. 

When  expecting  visitors  in  town,  it  is  Entertam- 

customary  for  some  member  of  the  fam-  inf  V'S1 

J  in  town 

ily  to  meet  women  guests  arriving  alone 
by  train,  or  a  trusty  servant  is  sent.     If  men  are 
291 


ETIQUETTE     FOR     ALL     OCCASIONS 

the  visitors,  they  are  supposed  to  take  care  of 
themselves,  but  if  they  are  strangers  in  town,  the 
host  welcomes  them  at  the  station. 

If  guests  are  known  to  be  fond  of  society,  their 
coming  is  mentioned  to  such  friends  as  will  care 
to  call  and  perhaps  show  some  hospitality.  When 
young  girls  are  invited  unaccompanied  by  their 
elders,  the  hostess  assumes  the  office  of  chaperon 
and  must  be  true  to  its  responsibilities. 

Of  course  a  hostess  never  allows  a  guest  to  feel 
that  his  or  her  presence  causes  any  inconvenience. 

If  invitations  have  been  accepted  by  the  hosts 
before  the  coming  of  their  visitors,  it  should  be 
explained,  and  the  hostess  insures  that  a  nice  din- 
ner is  served,  and  often  asks  them  to  invite  some 
acquaintance  to  share  it  with  them. 

The  hostess  places  her  drawing-room  at  her 
visitor's  disposal,  and  suggests  that  her  card  be 
sent  to  such  acquaintances  as  she  may  have 
in  town  at  some  stated  date.  When  she  can 
dispense  with  her  carriage,  she  offers  it  to  her 
friend,  so  that  she  may  feel  free  to  go  and  come 
as  she  pleases.  Indeed,  to  be  free  and  able  to  go 
about  in  independent  fashion  is  usually  greatly 
appreciated  by  a  guest.  If  she  has  acquaintances 
unknown  to  her  hostess,  the  latter  assures  her  of 
the  fullest  liberty  to  accept  their  invitations,  in- 
forming her  only  of  the  engagements  already  made 
for  her  and  so  harmonizing  their  mutual  plans. 

The  best  of  whatever  is  worth  seeing  is  offered 
according  to  the  means  of  the  hosts. 
292 


ENTERTAINING    A    HOUSE    PARTY 

A  little  dinner,  luncheon,  or  informal  reception 
is  usually  given,  inviting  those  likely  to  be  con- 
genial with  one's  visitors. 

One  commonplace  little  woman  who  had  en- 
deavored to  carry  out  the  principles  of  entertain- 
ing herein  set  down,  was  surprised  and  gratified 
to  have  an  old  gentleman  say  to  her  upon  taking 
his  leave,  "  If  the  word  '  charming '  had  never 
been  coined  before,  my  hostess  of  these  few  days 
would,  I  think,  have  inspired  it !  " 


293 


Chapter  Nineteenth— THE  DUTIES 
OF  A  GUEST 

T  does  not  require  a  Solomon  to 
draw  up  a  code  of  laws  for  the 
conduct  of  a  guest.  One  may  say, 
"  It  is  not  a  difficult  r61e  to  play, " 
and  yet  any  one  who  has  had  the 
least  experience  in  entertaining  knows  that  one 
guest  may  be  a  kill-joy  and  another  an  inspiration. 
It  begins  with  the  invitation.  A  ready  ac- 
ceptance is  flattering,  and  a  prompt  regret  an 
evidence  of  good  breeding  and  thoughtful  con- 
sideration. It  is  a  mistaken  idea  that  a  tardy 
regret  seems  to  convey  reluctance. 

Having  accepted  an  invitation  to  dine  or  visit 
at    a    friend's     house,    to    quote     a    well-known 
The  guest  society    leader,    "  Nothing    but     your 
at  a       own  funeral  should  prevent  your  keep- 
dinner     jng  the  engagement." 
Punctuality  is  said  to  be  a  royal  virtue,  and  the 
heads  of  the  nations  set  an  example  of  the  most 
minute  exactitude  in  that  respect  as  a  matter  of 
pure   courtesy.     Nothing  is    more   trying   to   the 
temper  of  hostess  and  cook  than  belated  guests, 
and  no  one  has  the  right  to  sacrifice  others  to  his 
convenience. 

294 


THE    DUTIES     OF    A     GUEST 

We  should  show  ourselves  responsive  to  any 
effort  made  to  entertain  us,  be  easily  amused,  and 
let  it  be  seen  that  we  have  come  with  the  ex- 
pectation of  enjoying  ourselves.  There  is  an  art 
in  being  entertained  as  well  as  in  entertaining. 
Nothing  is  so  gratifying  to  a  hostess  as  a  happy, 
animated  guest. 

At  a  dinner  it  is  better  to  partake  of  a  little  of 
everything  that  is  passed,  or  at  least  take  some 
upon  one's  plate.  A  young  or  inexperienced 
hostess,  observing  that  her  guests  decline  certain 
dishes,  thinks  that  she  has  made  an  unfortunate 
selection,  unadapted  to  their  tastes,  or  if  one  says, 
by  way  of  apology  for  refusing,  "  I  have  already 
eaten  so  heartily,"  she  may  reproach  herself  with 
providing  too  bountifully  and  recall  all  that  she 
has  heard  of  the  bad  form  of  those  who  thus  err. 
Neither  let  us  apologize  for  our  appetites  in 
taking  some  of  everything,  since  that  also  implies 
an  over-generous  provision.  The  golden  rule  is  an 
unfailing  guide.  It  is  well  to  improve  any  occa- 
sion of  complimenting  the  tempting  nature  of  the 
viands,  and  an  enthusiastic  and  spontaneous  ex- 
pression of  pleasure  at  the  beauty  of  the  table 
arrangement  or  of  any  article  upon  it  does  not 
come  with  bad  grace  from  a  guest  where  the  feel- 
ing is  sincere  and  if  it  be  not  done  in  a  "  gushing" 
manner. 

It  is  a  mistake  to  think  such  remarks  in  bad 
taste,  and  that  they  make  us  appear  as  though 
unused  ourselves  to  luxurious  surroundings.  On 
295 


ETIQUETTE     FOR      ALL      OCCASIONS 

the  contrary,  it  is  precisely  those  who  are  sensitive 
to  beauty  through  its  accustomedness  that  are 
most  forward  in  expressing  pleasure,  or  perhaps 
they  know  from  experience  that  discriminating 
praise  never  gives  offence,  but  is  treasured  by  the 
hostess  and  recalled  with  pleasure.  Those  who 
second  the  efforts  of  their  hostess  instead  of  mak- 
ing demands  upon  her,  who  help  her  to  entertain 
her  other  guests,  are  those  whose  presence  comes 
to  be  considered  one  of  the  essentials  of  a  success- 
ful social  event. 

If  it  be  necessary  to  withdraw  early,  before  the 
rest  of  the  guests,  it  should  be  done  as  quietly 
as  possible,  and  the  farewell  to  one's  hosts  be  as 
unstereotyped  and  as  expressive  of  pleasure  as  may 
be  made  consistent  with  truth  —  some  think  that 
even  truth  may  be  stretched  over  a  compliment. 

In  replying  to  an  invitation  to  spend  a  few  days 

or  more  at  a  friend's  house,  it  is  a  not  uncommon 

The  guest    error>  ^  obliged  to  decline,  to  say  that 

at  a  house  at  "  some  other   time  "  one    would   be 

Party  pleased  to  accept.  Such  suggestion  is 
supposed  to  convey  the  idea  that  one  cannot  re- 
sign one's  self  to  the  disappointment.  It  often 
places  a  hostess  in  a  most  embarrassing  position. 
It  would  be  considered  a  rudeness  to  reply  thus  to 
an  invitation  for  dinner  or  luncheon,  and  yet  it 
would  be  far  simpler  to  repeat  such  occasions  of 
entertaining  a  friend  than  to  plan  twice  for  his 
reception  at  one's  house  for  a  visit  of  several  days. 
A  prompt  reply  is  especially  important  in  such 
296 


THE     DUTIES     OP    A     GUEST 

invitations,  since  the  plans  of  the  hostess  are 
contingent  upon  the  answer,  and  possibly  those  of 
some  of  her  other  friends  as  well.  A  telegram 
stating  the  exact  time  of  one's  expected  arrival  is 
often  a  satisfaction  to  a  hostess,  even  if  it  has  been 
previously  agreed  upon.  It  is  an  assurance  that 
nothing  has  occurred  to  alter  the  original  plan. 

It  is,  of  course,  superfluous  to  suggest  that 
a  guest  is  bound  by  every  law  of  courtesy  to 
conform  in  everything  to  the  habits  of  the  house- 
hold as  far  as  possible.  The  most  agreeable 
visitors  are  those  who  make  no  trouble  for  any  one, 
who  find  everything  pleasant  that  their  hostess 
arranges  for  them,  who  in  little  unsolicited  ways 
are  ready  to  make  themselves  useful.  The  gifts 
and  accomplishments  of  all  should  be  at  the  call 
of  their  hosts.  Every  one  should  be  able  to  make 
some  contribution  to  the  general  entertainment, 
and  with  cheerful  alacrity,  but  with  no  shade  of 
ostentation,  be  ready  to  comply  with  the  slightest 
intimation  of  host  and  hostess  of  their  desire  for 
assistance. 

A  guest  should  never  appear  thoughtless  of  or 
indifferent  to  the  convenience  of  the  rest.  Some 
persons  think  that  because  they  are  visitors,  they 
need  be  only  the  recipients  of  attention.  They 
should  fall  in  readily  with  any  plan  proposed  for 
their  pleasure,  but  must  not  seem  dependent  for 
amusement. 

A  woman  may  take  some  bit  of  work  with  her, 
or  a  book  that  she  has  already  begun,  that  she 
297 


ETIQUETTE  FOR  ALL  OCCASIONS 

may  not  appear  to  be  waiting  helplessly  to  be  pro- 
vided with  entertainment.  She  may  take  a  nap  — 
or  pretend  to  do  so  —  or  propose  to  withdraw  to 
her  room  under  pretext  of  letters  to  write ;  and  a 
man  may  tramp,  read,  or  practise  at  some  sport,  if 
it  be  suspected  that  the  hosts  have  something  to 
occupy  them,  or  even  to  relieve  them  of  their  con- 
tinuous society. 

Punctuality  at  all  times  should  be  felt  to  be  an 
obligation.  When  outside  guests  are  invited, 
the  house  party  should  be  in  the  drawing-room 
promptly  to  receive  them  or  to  be  presented,  be- 
ing, in  a  sense,  part  of  their  host's  family  during 
their  stay. 

If  family  worship  is  a  custom  and  the  hour  is 
mentioned  to  guests,  their  presence  is  obligatory; 
but  if  not  invited,  it  would  be  an  intrusion. 

If  anything-  unpleasant  occur,  a  guest  should 
see  nothing,  but  maintain  a  discreet  absent-mind- 
edness ;  and  the  whole  decalogue  of  good  behavior 
is  broken  at  once  if  one  visitor  criticises  to  another 
either  a  fellow  guest  or  a  member  of  the  host's 
family,  or  discusses  any  of  their  affairs  or  interests 
unless  it  be  to  praise. 

The    rooms    allotted   to   visitors    are    generally 

dainty,  and  often  contain  choice  articles  that  require 

careful  use.    Often  cherished  belongings 

The  guest's  are  taken  from  accustomed  places  to  min- 
room 

ister  to  a  guest  s    comfort   or  pleasure, 

who  will,  of  course,  keep  the  room  in  an  orderly 

manner  and  handle  its  pretty  accessories  with  due 

298 


THE    DUTIES     OF    A     GUEST 

regard  to  their  delicacy.  The  presence  of  visitors 
adds  appreciably  to  the  servants'  regular  duties ;  so 
it  is  only  just  to  lighten  them  as  far  as  may  be,  and 
ask  no  special  service  if  it  can  be  avoided. 

It  is  a  matter  of  bedroom  etiquette  to  leave  the 
room  always  in  perfect  order.  In  the  morning 
the  windows  should  be  opened,  the  bed-clothes 
turned  back  to  be  aired,  a'nd  the  towels  hung  in 
place. 

A  thoughtful  hostess  will  offer  a  maid's  services 
to  unpack  and  pack  the  boxes  of  her  guests.  The 
servants  should  be  pleasantly  thanked  for  any  ser- 
vice, and  upon  leaving,  visitors  conform  to  custom 
in  giving  a  gratuity  to  such  as  have  ministered  to 
them  personally. 

Well-bred  guests  keep  their  belongings  carefully 
confined  to  the  portion  of  the  house  that  is  tempo- 
rarily assigned  to  them,  availing   them- 
selves only  of  the  closets  and  drawers     guests 
that  have  been  placed  at  their  disposal. 

They  do  not  take  books  and  magazines  to 
their  rooms  without  the  express  permission  of 
the  hostess.  These  are  for  the  benefit  of  all  the 
visitors.  They  never  ride  a  borrowed  horse  too 
far  or  too  fast. 

They  endeavor  to  show  themselves  at  their  best 
when  others  are  invited  to  meet  them,  taking  pains 
to  second  all  the  efforts  of  their  hostess. 

When  private  theatricals  or  musicals  are  given, 
the  hostess,  or  others  who  superintend  the  affair, 
will  always  be  grateful  to  those  who,  putting  aside 
299 


ETIQUETTE   FOR   ALL   OCCASIONS 

personal  preference,  enter  heartily  into  the  parts 
assigned  them,  more  anxious  to  give  pleasure 
than  to  display  their  accomplishments.  An  old 
proverb  says,  "  Never  mention  a  rope  in  the  fam- 
ily of  a  man  that  was  hanged."  The  applica- 
tion is  obvious. 

It  were  well  to  remember,  too,  that  one's  ailments 
are  never  matter  of  public  interest,  and  self  and 
its  belongings  should  never  form  a  prominent  part 
in  one's  conversation.  It  is  optional  with  a  guest 
whether  or  not  he  will  attend  church  with  his  hosts. 
No  worldly  etiquette  imposes  his  presence,  but  it  is 
usually  felt  to  be  more  considerate  for  guests  to 
attend  church  if  provision  is  made  to  take  them 
there. 

If  visitors  have  accepted  outside  invitations  be- 
fore their  arrival,  —  which  is  often  the  case  when 
making  visits  in  town,  —  they  should  mention  the 
fact  to  their  hostess  as  soon  as  convenient,  that 
none  of  that  lady's  plans  be  unsettled  and  that 
their  going  may  be  arranged  for. 

Guests  should  not  allow  their  hosts  to  incur 
needless  expense  in  their  behalf.  They  should 
in  a  city  pay  their  own  car-fares,  cab-hires,  and 
express  charges;  but  if  the  host  will  not  permit 
this,  it  is  in  better  taste  to  yield  the  point  than  to 
insist  upon  it. 

Although  the  desk  of  a  guest-room  is  usually 
provided  with  note-paper  with  the  family  crest 
or  the  name  of  the  house  upon  it,  and  all  ne- 
cessaries for  letter-writing,  guests  will  be  discrim- 
300 


THE     DUTIES     OF     A     QUEST 

inating  in  their  use  of  them,  and  come  provided 
with  their  own,  including  stamps. 

It  is  an  old-fashioned  bit  of  courteous  attention, 
but  one  usually  appreciated,  for  a  visitor  to  bring 
to  the  hostess  a  box  of  bonbons  or  some  fruit,  rare 
enough  to  be  an  excuse  for  its  offering,  —  which  is 
presented  soon  after  the  arrival. 

I  have  in  mind  one  bright  little  woman  for  the 
pleasure  of  whose  visits  all  her  friends  contend. 
She  comes  like  a  burst  of  sunshine,  and 
every  member  of  the  family  hails  her  with  '  Je  *t* 
enthusiasm.  She  pays  a  preliminary  visit 
to  the  confectioner's,  remembering  that  there  are 
children  in  the  household.  She  always  happens  to 
have  with  her  the  last  new  book  of  which  the 
world  is  talking,  and  her  fund  of  games,  riddles, 
and  anecdotes  is  inexhaustible.  She  never  fails 
to  have  some  bit  of  fancy  work  on  hand,  upon 
which  she  stitches  industriously  and  with  intense 
and  absorbing  interest  whenever  there  happens 
to  be  a  dearth  of  other  occupation,  or  suddenly 
remembers  an  amusing  story  that  she  has  brought 
to  read  to  us.  Best  of  all,  she  is  ready  for  any- 
thing and  enjoys  everything,  nothing  comes  amiss. 
She  is  an  appreciative  audience  to  the  children's 
small  efforts  on  the  piano  or  at  recitation.  She 
tells  them  stories,  plays  games  with  them.  She 
is  interested  in  the  little  girl's  doll,  for  which 
she  will  make  "  a  love  of  a  bonnet,"  and  in  the 
boy's  collection  of  stamps  or  butterflies,  over 
which  she  wonders  to  his  heart's  content,  and 
301 


ETIQUETTE     FOR      ALL      OCCASIONS 

never  by  chance  refers  to  his  geological  "  speci- 
mens "  as  "  stones."  Every  servant  is  her  devoted 
slave.  She  remembers  them  all  by  name,  has  a 
bright  word  for  each,  and  her  way  of  thanking  one 
seems  to  confer  an  obligation. 

There  is  a  universal  protest  when  the  time 
comes  for  her  departure,  but  she  has  always  made 
an  engagement  elsewhere,  which  we  suspect  is 
intentionally  prearranged  lest  she  be  over-per- 
suaded to  "  wear  her  welcome  out." 

This  last  idea  is  to  be  commended.  A  provisory 
sort  of  engagement,  made  so  as  to  be  a  little  elas- 
tic, enables  one  to  prolong  one's  visit,  if  it  be  really 
desired  by  all  parties,  or  will  serve  as  a  reason  for 
not  accepting,  if  we  wish  to  go,  or  our  iavitation 
seem  merely  prompted  by  politeness. 

A  bit  of  sentiment  in  the  form  of  a  "  guest- 
book  "  is  sometimes  the  fad  of  a  hostess.  One 
should  welcome  any  opportunity  to  give  her 
pleasure. 

In  case  of  a  protracted  visit,  where  the  guest  fits 
into  the  family  life,  one  needs  to  observe  all  the 
little  courtesies  even  more  carefully  than  if  one 
were  to  make  a  briefer  stay.  Not  the  least  among 
obligations  is  the  frequent  self-effacement,  to  give 
the  household  the  opportunity  of  privacy. 

The   feeing   of  servants    upon   one's  departure 

Tipping  from  a  friend's  house  seems  to  some  to 
the  be  in  questionable  taste,  but  it  has  be- 

servants  come  an  almost  universal  custom,  and 
principles  must  sometimes  make  concessions  to 
302 


THE     DUTIES     OF    A     GUEST 

popularity  where  no  question  of  right  and  wrong 
is  involved. 

In  England  the  omission  of  the  custom  would 
be  regarded  as  an  evidence  of  parsimony  or  of 
ignorance,  and  it  must  be  confessed  that,  human 
nature  being  what  it  is,  work  is  done  with  better 
grace  and  with  less  care  to  the  hosts  when  self- 
interest  supplies  a  spur. 

It  is  sometimes  a  matter  of  embarrassment  to 
know  just  how  much  one  ought  to  give.  It  is  a 
pretty  safe  rule  that  if  a  woman  has  spent  a  few  days 
or  a  week  at  a  friend's  house,  a  dollar  may  be  given 
to  the  housemaid  who  has  cared  for  her  room,  and 
if  she  has  given  personal  service,  brushing  gowns, 
bringing  the  breakfast-tray,  etc.  —  a  dollar  and  a 
half  at  least  and  two  dollars  at  most  will  be  suf- 
ficient. Sometimes  the  maid  of  the  hostess  per- 
forms these  services  for  the  guest,  in  which  case 
a  dollar  should  be  given  her  and  one  to  the  house- 
maid. Any  extra  service  should  be  recognized  by 
an  additional  half-dollar.  A  single  woman  rarely 
tips  the  butler,  but  she  should  "  remember  "  the 
coachman  who  drives  her  to  the  station.  Fifty 
cents  or  a  dollar  may  be  given  him,  according  to 
his  service  during  her  visit. 

A  bachelor  gives  a  dollar  to  the  housemaid,  if 
he  sees  her  before  he  goes,  or  sometimes  leaves  it 
for  her  in  his  room  if  he  please.  He  would  not 
give  less  than  a  dollar  and  a  half  to  the  valet,  or 
two  to  the  butler  who  has  brushed  his  clothes, 
drawn  his  bath,  laid  out  his  clothes,  etc.  The 
303 


ETIQUETTE     FOR      ALL      OCCASIONS 

coachman  should  receive  a  dollar,  and  the  groom 
half  that  sum,  if  the  visitor  has  ridden  or  driven 
about  the  country. 

When  the  visitors  are  husband  and  wife,  the 
wife  would  give  a  dollar  and  a  half  to  two  dollars 
to  the  housemaid,  and  the  husband,  from  two  to 
five  dollars  to  the  butler  if  he  has  received  special 
service  from  him,  and  to  the  coachman  a  dollar  or 
two,  according  to  the  demands  that  have  been 
made  upon  him.  A  dollar  is  sometimes  sent  to 
the  cook,  especially  if  she  is  known  to  be  valued 
by  their  entertainers. 

One  should  endeavor,  in  timing  one's  departure, 
to  make  as  little  trouble  as  possible  for  one's  host, 

whose  convenience  may  be  better  con- 
i  cukinf? 
leave      sidered  in  the  choice  of  one  train  than 

another.  Should  it  be  necessary  to 
take  an  early  train,  it  is  considerate  for  a  woman 
guest  to  urge  her  hostess  not  to  rise  earlier  than 
her  habit  is,  but  to  let  her  say  good-bye  the  night 
before,  and  trust  to  the  good  offices  of  some  trusty 
servant  to  see  her  off.  A  man  visitor  would  take 
this  for  granted,  and  bid  his  hostess  and  her  family 
farewell  before  retiring  for  the  night. 

When  taking  leave  of  one's  hosts,  adieux  should 
be  said  to  each  member  of  the  family,  and  farewell 
messages  sent  to  any  who  may  not  be  present. 

There  is  a  suggestion  that  ought  not  to  be  re- 
quired, and  yet  is  of  such  importance  that  it 
were  best,  perhaps,  not  to  omit  its  mention. 
It  is  that  a  guest  should  hold  sacred  anything 
3°4 


THE     DUTIES     OF     A    GUEST 

that  he  or  she  may  have  learned  of  the  family  life, 
or  of  the  peculiarities  of  any  member  of  a  house- 
hold where  hospitality  has  been  accepted.  A 
person  visiting  at  different  houses  cannot  be  too 
careful  to  avoid  repeating  anything  that  may  re- 
flect in  the  slightest  degree  upon  his  entertainers, 
or  satisfy  the  ignoble  curiosity  of  one  at  the 
expense  of  another. 

Such  social  traitors  there  have  been,  but  their 
popularity  is  usually  short-lived,  every  one  rightly 
judging  that  nothing  secures  his  immunity  from 
like  treatment,  where  no  honorable  reticence  can 
be  counted  upon. 

It  has  always  been  a  point  of  etiquette  for   a 
guest,  immediately  upon  returning  home,    ,«  Bread 
to  write   a  polite  and  cordial    note   of       and 
thanks   to   his   or   her  hostess  for  the    butter" 
pleasure  of  the  visit,  nor  forgetting  greet- 
ings to  the  other  members  of  her  family, —  in  soci- 
ety slang,  "  bread  and  butter  letters." 

It  is  sometimes  difficult  to  be  truthful  and  kind, 
considerate,  and  sincere  at  the  same  time,  but  the 
fusion  of  these  qualities  is   possible   to        An 
those  whose  lives  are  based  upon  great  important 
principles.     Charity  leads  us  to  see  the     cautlc 
best  side  of  those   with   whom   we   are   brought 
into    contact.      Unselfishness    brings    to    us    the 
pleasure  that  it  always   yields  to  those  who  try 
to   promote  that   of  others,   and  courtesy  predis- 
poses one  to  an  amiable  frame  of  mind  and  a  readi- 
ness to  receive  enjoyment  from  whatever  is  offered 
20  305 


ETIQUETTE      FOR     ALL     OCCASIONS 

us.  If  these  "  three  graces  "  of  charity,  unselfish- 
ness, and  courtesy  accompany  a  guest,  the  success 
of  the  visit  will  be  a  foregone  conclusion. 

It  is  a  graceful  act —  so  it  be  gracefully  done  — 
to  send  one's  hostess  a  trifling  gift,  soon  after  one's 
return  home, — something  of  which  the  attraction 
does  not  consist  in  intrinsic  value,  but  in  the  inter- 
est or  pleasure  that  it  may  inspire,  —  a  book,  a 
piece  of  music,  a  clever  game,  or  a  bit  of  one's 
own  handiwork.  It  should  seem  to  be  prompted 
by  pleasant  reminiscent  thoughts  of  one's  visit, 
and  never  suggest  the  idea  of  the  payment  of  a 
debt. 


306 


Chapter   Twentieth— OUT-OF-DOOR 

ENTERTAINMENTS 

many  of  the  small  towns  of  Ger- 
many the  inhabitants  make  little 
use  of  their  dining-rooms,  the 
whole  summer  through,  except 
when  it  rains;  but  every  bit  of 
garden,  it  not  much  larger  than  a  pocket-handker- 
chief, is  turned  into  a  banqueting-hall  hung  with 
Nature's  own  tapestry. 

In  driving  by,  one  sees  family  groups,  making 
homely  pictures  of  themselves  that  remain  among 
the  pleasures  of  memory. 

The  Italians  are  supremely  fond  of  "  al  fresco" 
entertainments,  and  in  France  no  resort  is  more 
popular  during  the  spring  and  summer  than  the 
enclosed  gardens,  where  sitting  under  the  trees 
one  enjoys  some  light  refection  while  listening  to 
the  music  of  a  good  orchestra. 

The  love  of  country-life  is  growing  in  America, 
and  of  all  delightful  ways  of  showing  hospitality 
none  is  so  charming,  and  withal  so  inexpensive 
as  an  out-door  fe"te,  and  yet  how  comparatively 
rare  are  such  entertainments. 

It  is  in  England  that  the  garden  party    Garden 
flourishes    best,    in   spite    of    the    cli- 
mate.    It  is  but  an  afternoon  tea,  with  the  lovely 
307 


ETIQUETTE     FOR     ALL     OCCASIONS 

background  of  leaves  and  blossoms,  and  open  to 
all  the  perfume-laden  airs  of  heaven. 

A  lawn  or  garden  party  may  be  as  simple  and 
informal  or  as  elaborate  as  the  hostess  may  elect. 
One  may  be  a  law  unto  one's  self,  since  the  con- 
ventionalities have  not  been  codified  as  yet. 
Good  taste  would  seem  to  exclude  the  parapher- 
nalia of  artificial  life,  and  a  return  as  near  as  may 
be  to  pastoral  simplicity  would  not  only  charm 
by  its  novelty  but  satisfy  one's  sense  of  fitness. 

If  one  have  a  well-kept  lawn,  no  matter  how 
small,  —  though  a  large  one  is  better,  —  a  pleasant 
lawn  party  may  be  given  with  every  assurance  of 
success.  Spread  rugs  about  on  the  grass  and 
group  comfortable  chairs  and  little  tables  here 
and  there,  with  a  view  to  cosey  sociability.  Let 
each  table  have  its  centrepiece  of  blossoms,  — 
clover,  daisies,  or  buttercups  are  best.  A  "  gayly 
caparisoned  "  hammock,  piled  with  kaleidoscopic 
cushions,  will  give  a  dash  of  color  to  the  scene 
as  well  as  a  hint  of  informality. 

A  card  should  be  enclosed  with  the  invitations, 
giving  full  particulars  about  trains  —  if  friends 
from  a  distance  are  bidden  —  and  giving  assur- 
ance that  carriages  will  be  in  waiting.  The  words 
"  Garden  Party  "  are  engraved  in  one  corner  of  the 
invitation,  or,  unless  the  affair  be  large  and  cere- 
monious, it  is  better  written. 

The  guests  are  driven  to  the  front  door ;  their 
coachmen  are  directed  where  to  go  by  a  ser- 
vant, who  aids  the  ladies  to  dismount,  and  a 
308 


OUT-OF-DOOR  ENTERTAINMENTS 

maid   ushers  them   towards    a  room  reserved  for 
them,  and  another  for  the  gentlemen,  The  arrival 
where  they  may,  if  they  choose,  remove      of  the 
the  dust  after  their  drive.  guests 

The  hostess  receives  on  the  lawn,  wearing  her 
hat  or  carrying  a  fluffy  parasol.  The  women 
guests  who  are  not  "going  in"  for  games  and 
sport  wear  long  frocks  and  dress  with  elegance. 
The  men  appear  in  yachting  flannels  or  regula- 
ation  afternoon  dress,  according  to  their  views  of 
pleasure.  The  duties  of  the  hostess  are  minimized. 
Dame  Nature  herself  presides,  and  each  guest  is 
filled  with  a  sense  of  content  and  well-being  that 
leaves  little  room  for  desire  of  other  entertainment 
than  just  to  enjoy  what  she  so  lavishly  offers. 

For  the  young  people  tennis  and  croquet  have 
attractions.      A   little    archery   competition,    with 
some  pretty  trifle  for  a  prize,  to  make       The 
the   victory  more    conspicuous,    rarely    amuse- 
fails  to  enlist  interest.    To  attract  atten-      ments 
tion  to  the  spot,  a  small  sign  might  swing  between 
two  trees,  with  the  words  in  home-made  printing : 

"  What  is  hit,  is  history, 
What  is  missed,  is  mystery  !  " 

An  amateur  fortune-teller,  who  only  "  prophe- 
sies smooth  things,"  will  always  find  a  welcome. 
A  gypsy's  dress  will  add  to  the  6clat  of  the  sibyl's 
predictions,  and  may  be  readily  improvised.  A 
Turkey-red  skirt,  a  white  waist  with  bodice  of 
green  or  blue,  a  handkerchief  of  many  colors 
knotted  about  the  neck,  and  one  of  bright  orange 
309 


ETIQUETTE     FOR     ALL     OCCASIONS 

on  the  head,  need  but  the  addition  of  many 
strings  of  beads  to  make  the  costume  of  the  tra- 
ditional Gitana.  A  swarthy  complexion  may  be 
imitated  with  walnut  juice,  that  comes  prepared 
for  the  purpose.  A  book  by  Desbarolles  will 
give  the  necessary  instruction  needed  to  persuade 
the  young  people  that  "  the  stars  in  their  courses  " 
will  fight  for  them. 

For  the  elders  a  little  music  heard  through  the 
open  windows  of  the  drawing-room  will  be  a 
pleasant  accompaniment  to  the  conversation,  if 
nothing  more.  A  small  orchestra  under  a  mar- 
quee or  on  the  piazza  adds,  of  course,  much  gayety 
to  the  scene.  At  a  little  distance  off,  under  the 
trees,  there  should  be  small  tables  supplied  with 
lemonade  and  wine-cup  or  punch,  to  which  the 
guests  may  have  recourse  at  any  time. 

As  a  lawn  party  is  usually  given  between  the 

hours  of  four  and  six  or  five  and  seven  P.  M.,  the 

The        refreshments  should  be  light  in  charac- 

refresh-    ter,  since  it  is   presumable   that   upon 

ments  their  return  home  the  guests  will  dine 
or  sup. 

Three  or  four  maids,  in  black  dresses  with  white 
caps  and  aprons,  may  either  serve  the  light  repast 
at  little  tables  where  friends  make  up  parties  to  sit 
together,  or  pass  things  around,  as  at  a  dance- 
supper,  supplied  from  a  large  table.  All  the 
dishes  should  be  cold.  Consomm6,  lobster  or 
chicken  salad,  toothsome  sandwiches,  ices,  cakes, 
and  bonbons,  with  the  fruits  in  season,  are  all  that 

310 


OUT-OP-DOOR    ENTERTAINMENTS 

is  necessary,  but  one  may  amplify  the  menu  as 
one  pleases.  Some  young  girls  may  assist  in 
pouring  out  the  tea,  chocolate,  or  serving  the 
coffee  frapp£,  which  the  young  men  present  will 
the  more  willingly  pass  around  if  received  at 
their  fair  hands.  The  possibility  of  rain  must  be 
planned  for.  Servants  should  be  instructed  to  serve 
everything  as  daintily  as  in  the  dining-room.  The 
coachmen  of  one's  visitors  must  not  be  forgotten. 

As   the  shadows   lengthen   and   the   air  grows 
fresher,  the  lazy  content  that  has  held  the  com- 
pany in  thrall  usually  gives   way  to  a     B 
more  energetic  feeling,  and  some  merry     taking 
game    may   find    favor    and    draw   the      leave 
guests  pleasantly  together. 

At  a  recent  "  f£te  champ£tre  "  eight  pretty  girls, 
dressed  in  old-time  finery  that  was  a  family  heir- 
loom, danced  a  stately  minuet  on  the  greensward 
to  the  strains  of  a  single  violin  played  by  a  rustic- 
looking  youth  with  cross-gartered  hose,  large  white 
collar,  long  lovelocks  (of  hemp),  and  conical 
broad-brimmed  hat,  decked  with  many-colored 
ribbons.  The  effect  was  a  bit  of  sylvan  medise- 
valism  ;  but  the  climax  of  enjoyment  was  reached 
when  all  present,  young  and  old,  joined  in  a  merry 
contradance,  more  familiarly  known  as  the  "  Vir- 
ginia Reel,"  and  the  smiles  did  not  fade  from  the 
faces  of  the  company  until  long  after  the  good- 
byes had  been  spoken. 

The  Athenians  of  old  were  never  more  eager 
to   "  see   and    hear   some    new  thing "  than    are 
3" 


ETIQUETTE     FOR     ALL      OCCASIONS 

the  people  of  this  modern  republic.  The  re- 
sources of  out-of-door  entertaining  still  wait  their 
development. 

In  this  age  of  gold,  —  quite  a  different  thing  from 
the  golden  age,  —  it  is  pleasant  to  think  that  one 

of  the  most  delightful  forms  of  entertain- 
Picmcs 

ment  is  easily  within  the  reach  of  nearly 

everybody. 

Mother  Nature  opens  wide  her  arms  to  all  her 
children,  gracious  alike  to  rich  and  poor,  and 
invites  them  all  to  frolic  on  her  capacious  lap.  A 
picnic  may  consist  merely  of  a  little  group  of 
friendly  neighbors,  who  meet  to  enjoy  a  luncheon 
together  in  some  pleasant,  leafy  nook  out  of 
doors,  each  member  filling  the  r61e  of  both  hostess 
and  guest,  since  each  makes  a  contribution  to  the 
feast.  Or  an  entertainment  may  be  given,  pre- 
sided over  by  a  French  chef,  with  liveried  servants 
in  attendance,  and  all  the  delicacies  of  the  four 
seasons  from  the  four  quarters  of  the  globe  dis- 
played to  tempt  the  appetite. 

The  ideal  picnic,  however,  should  have  the 
charm  of  things  primitive  and  rustic;  anything 
suggestive  of  luxury  and  artificiality  should  be 
banished. 

The  best  time  to  choose  for  such  an  outing  is 
late  spring  or  early  summer,  when  clear  skies  may 
be  reasonably  counted  upon  and  the  air  is  filled 
with  coolness  and  fragrance.  Later,  the  dewy 
freshness  will  have  gone,  and  parched  vegetation, 
dusty  roads,  and  the  persistent  hum  of  insects 
312 


OUT-OF-DOOR     ENTERTAINMENTS 

may  make  a  picnic  "  one  part  pleasure,  three 
parts  pain." 

In  selecting  a  place  for  our  sylvan  feast,  I  would 
suggest  that  it  be  far  enough  away  to  necessitate 

a  pleasant  tramp  to  reach  it,  or,  better 

...  ,.  T     The  place 

still,   within  easy  driving   distance.     It 

doubles  the  sport  for  the  young  people  to  pack 
them  into  an  old  wagon,  where  bumping  along 
the  country  roads  through  the  fresh  morning  air 
they  find  cause  for  merriment  in  everything,  and 
bring  to  the  picnic  the  indispensable  contribu- 
tions of  high  spirits  and  good  appetites.  The  best 
spot  for  the  enjoyment  of  the  luncheon  should 
be  chosen,  if  possible,  near  a  spring;  otherwise 
the  water  must  be  transported. 

The  regular  picnic  grounds  of  popular  resort 
are  to  be  avoided.  It  is  a  matter  for  rejoicing 
that  such  places  exist  for  those  who  can  enjoy 
them,  but  those  to  whom  a  kind  Providence  has 
given  a  feeling  for  the  artistic  or  a  real  love  for 
nature  prefer  the  more  retired  spots,  where  their 
privacy  will  not  be  invaded. 

Carpeted  with  ferns  and  moss,  canopied  with 
leaves  and  sky,  what  lovelier  mise-en-scene  could 
fairy-land  furnish  than  such  an  airy  dining-room. 
The  bird  orchestra  furnishes  the  music,  supple- 
mented by  happy  human  laughter,  not  less  pleas- 
ant to  hear. 

In  choosing  the  company  for  a  picnic  only  those 
should  be  invited  who  can  be  counted  upon  for 
good  nature,  who  are  ready  to  laugh  at  trifling 
3'3 


ETIQUETTE     FOR     ALL     OCCASIONS 

mishaps,  see  the  bright  side  of  everything,  and 
are  not  afraid  of  a  little  work.  The  pleasantest 

results   follow  when   the  company  are 
company    near^y  °f  the  same  age.    Where  the  party 

is  composed  of  young  people,  a  merry 
chaperon  or  two,  who  have  known  how  to  grow 
old  without  forgetting  that  they  have  been  young, 
will  add  to  the  pleasure  of  all,  their  wits  and 
experience  being,  of  course,  at  the  service  of  their 
young  charges.  One  should  be  suitably  clothed 
in  order  to  enjoy  a  picnic,  —  no  fashionable  fur- 
belows, but  so  dressed  as  to  be  utterly  unconscious 
of  one's  clothes. 

Of  course    most   of  the    preparations    for   the 
feast  are  made  in  advance,  and  all  may  be  packed 

the  night  before,  except  the  sandwiches, 

The  feast       ,  .  ,  .      ;  ,  ^    ,  , 

which    must    be   freshly    made.      Cold 

birds  or  poultry  should  be  cut  in  convenient  mor- 
sels, each  wrapped  separately  in  oiled  paper  and 
served  with  a  crisp  lettuce  salad.  Nothing  is  more 
universally  popular  at  a  picnic  than  a  vegetable 
salad.  The  more  ingredients,  the  better  is  the 
result.  This,  as  an  accompaniment  to  a  delicate 
cold  boiled  ham,  is  usually  relished.  Olives  and 
pickles  are  welcome  additions.  Hard-boiled  eggs 
belong  to  picnic  traditions.  Cream  cheese  with 
currant  jelly  and  crisp  crackers  is  a  toothsome 
combination,  and  everything  eaten  out  of  doors 
has  a  superior  flavor. 

Coffee  made  on  the  spot  appeals  strongly  by  its 
delicious  aroma  to  the  imagination   as  well  as  to 


OUT-OP-DOOR  ENTERTAINMENTS 

the  appetite.  A  fire  is  made  between  two  piles  of 
stones,  and  the  coffee-pot  balanced  between. 

Cakes  require  specially  tender  treatment,  —  a 
sodden  mass  with  crumbs  adhering  is  the  result 
of  any  carelessness.  They  should  be  packed  in 
boxes,  and  stuffed  about  with  tissue  paper,  to  keep 
them  immovable.  Pies  are  not  to  be  recom- 
mended. Even  the  heartiest  appetite  shuns  them 
if  their  symmetry  is  lost,  and  they  are  most  dif- 
ficult of  adjustment  in  a  luncheon  basket. 

Fruit  of  all  kinds,  nuts  and  raisins,  make  a 
sufficiently  dainty  dessert. 

The  food  must  look  attractive  and  tempting,  or 
one  is  apt  to  grow  fastidious,  even  with  a  picnic 
appetite. 

The  milk,  of  course,  is  carried  in  bottles,  as 
may  be  also  iced  coffee,  wine-cup,  etc.,  all  well 
corked  —  and  don't  forget  the  corkscrew !  The 
ice  is  carried  in  a  bag.  It  is  best  to  use  as  few 
dishes  as  possible,  depending  upon  the  leaves  for 
plates  in  true  "  merry  greenwood "  style,  or  the 
little  thin  wooden  pie-plates  may  be  preferred- 
Japanese  paper  napkins  are  a  great  convenience. 

If  the  young  men  of  the  party  be  energetic  and 
ambitious,  they  may  earn  the  gratitude  of  the 
company  by  giving  them  a  clam-roast,  or  cooking 
fish  in  the  delicious  manner  known  to  the  Adi- 
rondack guides.  After  the  fish  has  been  cleaned 
and  prepared,  the  cooking  is  a  very  simple  matter. 
A  piece  of  butter  should  be  put  inside  the  fish, 
which,  salted  and  peppered,  is  then  carefully 
315 


ETIQUETTE     FOR      ALL     OCCASIONS 


wrapped  in  white  paper.  Next,  dip  half  a  news- 
paper in  water,  and  wringing  it  out,  wrap  the  fish 
in  it,  brush  away  the  coals,  lay  the  fish  on  the 
hot  stones,  and  cover  it  with  ashes.  As  many 
minutes  are  required  to  cook  it  as  the  fish  meas- 
ures inches  in  length,  and  five  more.  The  result 
will  be  "  a  dish  fit  for  the  gods." 

Those  who  have  not  been  initiated  into  the 
mysteries  of  clam  roasting  may  be  glad  to  learn 
them  from  an  "old  salt"  whose  talents  are  in 
great  repute.  A  circle  of  stones  should  be  laid  on 
the  ground,  or,  better,  the  tire  of  a  small  wheel, 
and  the  clams  wedged  so  tightly  together  in  it, 
hinges  upward,  that  the  juices  cannot  escape.  A 
quick,  brisk  fire  is  then  built  atop  of  the  clams, 
and  a  few  minutes  suffice  to  bring  them  to  per- 
fection. Butter  melted  in  the  hot  shells,  salt, 
pepper,  and  a  few  drops  of  lemon  juice  make  the 
best  sauce. 

There  are  some  conveniences  that  add  greatly 
to  the  pleasure  of  a  picnic  that  a  little  forethought 

may  easily  supply.     The  "  flowery  turf/' 
Convenient  .  J 

accessories  m  IIGU  °*  a  table,  sounds  attractive,  but 
in  reality  the  ground  unprepared  is  apt 
to  be  a  little  uneven  and  "  bumpy."  A  few  boards 
of  equal  length  and  four  empty  starch-boxes,  sent 
to  the  chosen  spot  before  the  arrival  of  the  party, 
may  be  used  to  improvise  a  low  table,  at  which 
one  may  sit  comfortably  on  the  ground.  The  four 
boxes  forming  the  corners  may  be  connected  by 
four  boards,  upon  which  the  others  may  be  laid 
316 


OUT-OP-DOOR  ENTERTAINMENTS 

crosswise.  It  is  easily  prepared,  and  the  table- 
cloth hides  all  sins  of  omission.  A  "  handy  " 
man-servant  or  two  are  invaluable  at  such  an  en- 
tertainment, and  their  services  to  fetch  and  carry 
will  probably  be  in  universal  and  constant  demand. 

After  the  feast  is  over  and  the  games  and  other 
fun  claim  the  attention  of  the  party,  there  is 
generally  a  great  lack  of  enthusiasm  if  it  be  sug- 
gested that  there  is  any  work  to  be  done. 

The  labor  of  clearing  up  may  be  left  to  the 
"  factotum  "  and  his  assistant.  One's  self-respect 
and  the  "  eternal  fitness  of  things "  require  that 
one  leave  the  leafy  paradise  in  the  same  orderly 
condition  as  when  one  invaded  its  solemn  stillness. 

Such  pleasures  are  healthful  for  body  and  soul. 
It  is  good  to  get  back  to  primitive  ideas  of  pleas- 
ure, to  make  closer  acquaintance  with  Nature. 
Truly  "  that  is  best  which  lieth  nearest." 


Chapter  Twenty-first— WOMEN'S 
DRESS 

)O  dress  well  is  an  art,  and  all  wo- 
,men  are  not  artists,  but  to  dress 
appropriately  to  the  occasion  is  a 
possible  acquirement  for  every  one, 
i  and,  according  to  the  old  English 
proverb,  "  all  is  fine  that  is  fit."  It  is  a  commend- 
able and  legitimate  instinct  to  wish  to  appear  to 
advantage,  and  no  one  can  doubt  that  becoming 
clothes  are  an  adjunct  in  our  efforts  to  please.  It 
goes  beyond  vanity.  One's  clothes  are  an  expres- 
sion of  one's  self,  —  a  revelation  of  character,  taste, 
position,  means,  —  and  the  many  must  judge  us 
chiefly  by  externals. 

A  truly  refined  woman  would  rather  follow  than 

lead  a  fashion,  and  she  is  not  well  dressed  who 

A  well-     seems    herself  to   be  secondary  to  her 

dressed     clothes.     As  an  artist  suits  the  frame  to 

woman     hjs  picture  that  it  may  bring  out  its  best 

points,  never  allowing  it  to  overshadow  what  he 

has  been  at  pains  to  express,  and  attract  attention 

to  itself,  so  is  a  woman  never  really  well  dressed 

if  the  beholder  thinks  of  her  clothes  rather  than 

of  her. 

Fashion    and  art    have   little   in   common,    but 
Du  Maurier,  Gibson,  and  other  knights  of  the  brush 


W  O  MEN'S     DRESS 


have  shown  themselves  masters  of  the  art  of  adapt- 
ing and  modifying  the  fashions  of  the  day  into 
graceful  womanly  garments  that  are  artistic 
enough  to  be  beautiful  for  years  to  come.  The 
principles  of  their  art  may  well  be  studied  by 
women  of  all  ages. 

One  of  the  fundamental  laws  of  good  taste  in 
dress  is  that  the  lines  of  the  garment  should  fol- 
low the  contour  of  the  human  form.  What  a 
calamity  we  should  feel  it  if  Nature  had  made  us 
as  Fashion  makes  us  appear !  The  huge  sleeves, 
the  bustles,  hoops,  and  now  the  straight-front 
bodice  padded  often  just  above  the  waist  line  and 
so  distorting  what  the  Creator  approved  as  "  very 
good,"  —  these  impeach  womanly  intelligence. 
Why  must  it  be  that  a  fashion  shall  have  passed 
before  we  discover  its  absurdity?  Why,  too,  do 
we  all  follow  the  same  models,  no  matter  how 
tasteless  and  unbecoming  they  may  be?  One 
writer,  uniting  wit  and  common-sense,  advises  that 
a  woman  should  no  more  accept  a  bonnet  that 
is  unbecoming  because  it  is  the  fashion  "  than 
she  would  accept  a  husband  because  that  is  the 
style  of  man  they  are  marrying  this  spring  "  ! 

In  France   one   does   not  see  such  uniformity. 

The  greater  variety  may  be  due  to  the  fact  that 
there  the  working  women  do  not  ape  their  social 
superiors,  but  have  a  neat,  becoming,  and  tasteful 
attire,  belonging  to  their  own  station,  that  entitles 
them  to  their  self-respect  and  that  of  others.  One 
sometimes  sighs  for  the  sumptuary  laws  of  the  old 
319 


ETIQUETTE     FOR     ALL     OCCASIONS 

paternal  governments,  when  one  sees  a  woman  in 
a  street  car  grotesquely  overdressed.  Were  the 
sham  elegance  real,  a  coach  and  liveried  ser- 
vants would  be  in  keeping  with  her  attire.  The 
vulgarity  of  it  "jumps  to  the  eyes,"  as  the  French 
express  it.  The  secret  of  much  bad  dressing  is 
that  "  it  is  the  object  of  most  women  to  provide 
themselves  with  apparel  that  shall  not  denote  their 
station,  but  the  station  of  somebody  richer  and'/ 
better  placed."  -~-^y 

In   the  street    elaborate  dressing  is  always    in 
bad  taste.     The  old  rule,  "  Dress  so  as  to  pass 
Street      unobserved,"  seems  to  have  changed  to 
dress,      "  Dress  so  as  to   challenge   admiration 
morning    or  attention,"  but  a  gentlewoman  who 
can  afford  to  dress  expensively  would    have    her 
carriage  to  drive  in. 

A  costume  of  dark  cloth,  rough  or  smooth,  with 
a  becoming  hat,  not  too  large,  stout  boots  and 
dog-skin  gloves,  worn  rather  loose,  is  the  fashion- 
able morning  attire  for  the  street  in  winter.  A 
woman's  appearance  must  suggest  that  quality 
expressed  in  the  slang  of  the  day  as  "  well 
groomed."  For  shopping,  morning  classes, 
charity  meetings,  or  informal  visiting,  such  dress 
is  appropriate. 

Clt  is  an  unwritten  law,  among  women  of  assured 
r  osition,  that  one  should  dress  simply  when  pass- 
ing through  the  shops  or  in  a  promiscuous  crowd 
anywhere.  Aside  from  the  question  of  good  taste, 
rich  and  showy  garments  arouse  the  envy  and 
320 


WOMEN'S     DRESS 


appeal  to  the  weakness  of  women  unable  to  indulge 
in  such  luxuries.  It  encourages  false  notions  of 
what  it  means  to  be  "  a  fine  lady."  "  Am  I  my 
brother's  (or  sister's)  keeper?"  is  the  first  social 
question  ever  raised. 

A  Parisienne  who  in  her  dressing  always  con- 
siders neatness  and  thrift,  holds  up  her  gown  care- 
fully in  the  street,  gracefully  but  so  effectually 
that  it  is  not  soiled  by  contact  with  the  pavement. 
Nothing  is  more  unwholesome  than  the  skirts  that 
sweep  up  germs  of  disease  which  their  wearers 
presumably  are  trying  in  every  other  way  to 
guard  against. 

In  Europe  women  never  put  on  their  gloves  in 
the  street;  it  is  considered  part  of  the  toilette, 
which  is  only  properly  performed  at  home. 

In  the  afternoon  the  cloth  gown  may  be  of  a 
lighter  shade  than  the  one  worn  in  the  morning 
(or  it  may  merely  be  a  newer,  fresher  Afternoon 
costume),  and  the  jacket  cover  a  dressy     street- 
bodice,  seen    only    upon   the   removal       dress 
of  the  coat  in  the  house.     With  this  patent-leather 
boots  and  white  gloves  add  the  touch  of  elegance 
that  fashion  now  dictates. 

A  woman  so  dressed,  if  the  gown  be  fresh  and 
well  fitted,  may  attend  a  reception,  matinee,  or 
concert,  or  call  upon  her  friends  and  know  herself 
appropriately  garbed. 

She   may  meet   others   dressed  in  velvet,  very 
pale  cloths,  or  in  gowns  conspicuously  elegant,  but 
such  do  not  go  in  the  street  on  foot. 
21  321 


ETIQUETTE     FOR     ALL     OCCASIONS 

•In  her  carriage  a  woman  may  be  as  fine  as  she 
please — jewels   only  are    debarred    by   daylight, 
except  where  their  manifest  use  is  their  excuse 
1    for  being. 

For  church  a  woman's  dress,  while  suitable  to 

her  means  and  station,  should  be  so  inconspicuous 

as  to  prove  no  distraction  to   her  fel- 

Dress  at     low-worshippers,     and    never     suggest 
church-  _,,  .  . 

even    by   its    tastefulness    that    it    has 

occupied  her  thoughts  overmuch.  Her  cloth  call- 
ing-gown, if  dark,  with  a  simpler  bodice  and  hat, 
would  be  appropriate  in  winter.  Absolute  neat- 
ness, the  first  requisite  in  dress  at  all  times,  seems 
more  than  ever  incumbent  at  church.  Some 
women's  neat  appearance  suggests  purity  of  soul, 
an  outward  sign  of  an  inward  grace. 

The  hostess    at   a  reception,    as  well    as  those 
who    aid  her  in  receiving  her  guests,  wear  high- 
Reception  necked,    long-sleeved     gowns    of    silk, 
and        satin,  lace,  velvet,   or  very  pale   cloth, 

visiting  made  with  train  and  the  bodice  be- 
comingly trimmed.  Jewels  are  worn, 
but  they  should  not  be  conspicuously  promi- 
nent, as  they  may  be  at  a  ball.  Of  course,  they 
do  not  wear  hats,  and  it  is  optional  whether  or 
not  to  wear  gloves.  It  is  thought  by  many  that 
the  hostess  shows  courtesy  by  discarding  them. 

A  debutante  generally  wears  white,  and  her  as- 
sistants light-colored  gowns  of  chiffon  or  other 
filmy,  transparent  goods,  made  with  high  bodices 
and  long  sleeves. 

32? 


WOMEN'S     DRESS 


The  guests  wear  street  costumes  of  cloth,  light 
or  dark,  or  carriage  dress  of  velvet,  silk,  —  or  what- 
ever Fashion's  caprice  dictates,  —  with  becoming 
hats  and  bonnets,  removing  their  wraps  in  the  hall 
or  in  an  upper  room.  White  or  light  gloves  and 
dress  shoes  are  important  accessories. 

For  an  evening  reception  the  hostess  and  her 
guests  wear  dinner  gowns,  decolletes,  of  white, 
gray,  or  colored  silk,  satin,  or  velvet,  or  lace  gowns 
white  or  black,  with  jewels,  and  hair  carefully 
dressed.  White  gloves  and  slippers  complete  the 
costume.  The  hostess  does  not  wear  gloves. 

At  women's  luncheons  street  costume  is  worn 
by  the  guests,  walking  dress  at  a  small  luncheon, 
and  visiting  attire  at  a  large  elaborate 
function.      The   hostess   always    shows  . 
good  taste  in  dressing  somewhat  more 
simply   than    her  guests.     She,  of  course,  wears 
neither  hat  nor  gloves. 

Tea-gowns,  despite  the  name,  are  not  worn  at 
teas,  nor  is  any  semi-loose  garment  suitable  in 
which  to  appear  in  public.  They  originated  at 
English  country-houses,  and  were  found  convenient 
to  slip  on  after  returning  from  ride  or  drive  before 
dressing  for  dinner.  The  house  party  would  meet 
for  afternoon  tea,  and  if  callers  dropped  in,  the 
informality  of  the  occasion  excused  the  negligee. 
In  America  they  are  worn  occasionally  by  ladies 
who  receive  every  week  in  the  season,  or  at  very 
small  luncheons,  and  are  supposed  to  indicate 
great  informality. 

.  323 


ETIQUETTE     FOR     ALL     OCCASIONS 

For  "  days  at  home  "  girls  and  young  married 
women  wear  pale  shades  of  cloth  with  pretty  bod- 
Dress  for  i°es>   ^gnt  siks,  China  crepes,  or  light 
"  Days  at  bodices    of   silk    or    chiffon    with    dark 
Home."    skirts>      For    older    women    Fashion's 
present  edict  imposes  dressy  black  gowns  of  net 
and   in  all  varieties,  but  always  made  with  high- 
necked  bodices,  or  simple  silk  or  satin  gowns  worn 
with  lace  fichus. 

"  Full  dress  "  means  a  gown  with  low  neck  and 
short  sleeves,  irrespective  of  elegance.  It  is  worn 

at  balls,  the    opera,   dinners,    musicals, 
Full  dress         ,  F  . 

and    other    evening    entertainments    at 

private  houses.  Many  persons  wear  full  dress 
always  in  the  evenings.  After  six  o'clock  it  is 
correct,  never  before. 

For  a  ball  the  essential    quality  of  a  gown  is 

its    freshness.      Simplicity  often   gives    an    added 

Dress  for   charm»  ^  the  wearer  is  youthful.     To 

balls  and   the  married  women  should  be  left  the 

dances  silks  and  satins,  brocades  and  velvets, 
the  spangled  laces  and  embroidered  crepes. 

Dainty,  diaphanous  materials  are  most  becoming 
to  young  faces.  White  organdie,  chiffon,  mous- 
seline  de  sole,  tulle,  and  China  cr£pe  are  some  of 
the  gossamer  fabrics  that  led  one  enthusiast  to  re- 
mark that  their  wearers  seemed  "  the  connecting 
link  between  women  and  angels !  " 

Girls  wear  in  their  hair  natural  or  artificial  flowers, 
gauzy-winged  butterflies  or  tied  bows  of  ribbon  or 
chiffon ;   married  women,  jewels  and  ostrich  tips. 
324 


WOMEN'S     DRESS 


Long  white  kid  gloves  and  patent-leather  slip- 
pers or  satin  ones  matching  the  gown  complete 
the  toilette. 

Girls  wear  little  jewelry,  —  only  a  string  of 
pearls  or  a  ribbon  about  the  throat  holding  a  small 
pendant, — while  married  women  exhaust  the  re- 
sources of  their  jewel  boxes. 

The  only  difference  between  the  dress  at  a 
ball  and  an  informal  dance  is  in  the  degree  of 
elegance. 

At  the  opera  the  women  in  the  boxes  Dress  at 
appear  in  all  the  bravery  of  ball  attire,  °i£™*"d 
with  jewels  galore. 

In  England  women  do  not  hesitate  to  wear 
decollete"  gowns  at  a  theatre,  concert,  or  even  in  a 
public  restaurant;  but  in  America  it  is  thought 
more  seemly  to  wear  a  high-necked  gown,  or  a 
guimpe  and  long  sleeves  of  chiffon  or  of  some 
transparent  material  to  fill  in  a  low  bodice,  even 
at  the  opera,  when  not  within  the  shelter  of  a  box. 
At  the  opera,  more  than  elsewhere,  does  women's 
dress  "  leave  much  to  be  desired." 

Some  women  seem  to  be  forgetful  of  the  mod- 
esty that  sets  them  above  the  unfortunate  mem- 
bers of  their  sex,  and  suggests  the  inference  that 
they  owe  much  to  the  accidents  of  birth  and 
circumstances. 

At  a  theatre  or  concert  high-necked  gowns  are 
worn  exclusively,  though  the  waists  are  usually 
dressy  affairs,  light  in  color  and  fabric,  and  white 
gloves  only  are  seen. 

325 


ETIQUETTE      FOR      ALL      OCCASIONS 

Consideration  for  others  has  banished  hats  and 
bonnets  from  the  theatre.  Those  who  wear  them 
upon  entering  remove  them  before  the  curtain 
rises,  and  those  who  come  in  carriages  have  their 
hair  carefully  dressed  and  wear  opera-cloaks. 
Hats  are  still  worn  in  boxes. 

For  large  dinners    women  reserve   their  finest 

frocks.     They  are  subject  to  closer  inspection,  and 

risk  no  defacement  as  at  dances.     Low 

neck  and  short   sleeves  are   worn   uni- 
dress 

versally,  except  by  elderly  or  delicate 
women,  who  cover  neck  and  arms  with  some 
becoming  arrangement  of  lace  or  chiffon.  Patent- 
leather  or  satin  slippers  and  white  gloves  are  worn. 
The  latter  are  removed  at  table,  and  resumed  in 
the  drawing-room  or  not  as  one  pleases. 

For  informal  dinners  the  present  fashion  —  eva- 
nescent, as  all  fashions  are  —  is  for  gowns  of  black 
tulle,  jetted  or  spangled,  black  lace  or  satin  with 
lace-trimmed  bodices,  or  elaborate  waists  of  lace 
or  chiffon  are  worn  with  skirts  of  rich  silk,  satin, 
or  velvet. 

Young  girls  make  a  distinction  in  their  dress  for 
little  dinners,  by  wearing  lace  or  chiffon  sleeves  to 
the  wrist,  with  low-necked  gowns. 

Again  let  it  be  repeated  that  the  hostess  should 
be  very  careful  that  she  does  not  outdress  her 
guests. 

At  home  a  woman  should  be  guided  in  her 
manner  of  dressing  by  an  even  greater  desire  to 
please  than  elsewhere.  Her  husband  may  be  the 
326 


•WOMEN'S     DRESS 


least  observant  of  men,  but  he  will  know  when  she 
looks    neat    and    attractive,    with    hair 

newly  dressed  and  some  becoming  ar-       "ss  at 
*  home 

rangement    about    the    bodice    of   her 

gown.     The   practice  of  wearing  soiled  finery  at 

home  cannot  be  too  strongly  deprecated. 

Nothing  can  be  too  simple  for  the  morning. 
Married  women  only  are  privileged  to  wear  a 
wrapper  at  breakfast,  and  the  privilege  is  abused 
if  its  freshness  be  not  very  evident.  After  twelve 
o'clock  noon,  the  wrapper  should  disappear,  a  la 
Cinderella.  Tea-gowns  are  also  a  monopoly  of 
the  married. 

It  is  a  reversal  of  the  traditions  and  proprieties 
when  a  mother  dresses  her  daughters  in  a  more 
expensive  style  than  herself.     A  young    Mothers 
girl  rarely  sees  charm  in  simplicity,  and        and 
does  not  know  that  she  is  lovelier  with-  daughtefs 
out  ornament.    One  is  young  but  once.    In  France, 
where  the  reverent  admiration  of  the  "  jeune  fille  " 
amounts  almost  to  a  cult,  she  is  never  permitted 
to  wear  a  diamond,  a  bit  of  rich  lace,  or  even  a 
feather,    although  recently  the  stringency  of  this 
rule  has  been  somewhat  relaxed.     With  us  there 
is  often  little  distinction  between  the  attire  of  six- 
teen and  sixty. 

To  tell  a  girl  that  anything  ultra-fashionable  is 
in  bad  taste  usually  has  little  effect,  but  educating 
her  sense  of  the  artistic  in  dress  will  undermine 
her  fondness  for  extremes. 

The  question  of  becomingness  should,  of  course, 
327 


ETIQUETTE     FOR     ALL     OCCASIONS 

be  taken  into  consideration,  but  there  is  a  line 
which,  if  passed,  shows  a  desire  to  attract  attention 
that  is  a  repulsive  trait  in  a  young  girl.  "  She 
should  be  as  dainty  as  a  picture,  as  lovely  as  a 
poem."  This  old  world  has  its  ideals,  and  she  is 
one.  The  grace  of  unconsciousness  makes  her 
more  charming  than  faultless  apparel. 

Let  her  not  "  prink  "  in  the  dressing-room  at  a 
ball,  but  having  given  the  necessary  attention  to 
every  detail  at  home,  she  should  forget  all  about 
her  clothes. 

To  athletics  is  accorded  the  credit  of 
P°r  m£    effecting  a  reform  in  dress  which  eccen- 
tric   and  well-meaning  women  tried  in 
vain  to  accomplish. 

The  masculine  touch  is  sometimes  overdone. 
The  mode  of  dress  seems  occasionally  to  affect 
the  behavior,  and  a  girl  in  the  freedom  of  a  short 
skirt  sometimes  assumes  attitudes  that  make 
even  that  seem  superfluous. 

The  "  out-door  "  woman  is  nevertheless  a  very 
likable  creature,  and  a  distinct  improvement  on 
the  early- Victorian  young  lady  with  her  "  vapors  " 
and  affectation  of  delicacy. 

When  women  are  invited  to  drive  on  a  coach 
during  a  park  parade  —  whether  matrons  or  maid- 
Dress  for  ens>  or  i'1  a  smart  cart  with  horses  har- 
driving  and  nessed  tandem,  or  with  a  single  horse 
coaching    wjt^  groom  jn  attendance  —  they  may 
wear  either  light  gowns  and  flower-wreathed  hats 
(carrying  a  driving-coat  in  case  of  mud)  or  tailor- 
328 


WOMEN'S     DRESS 


made  costumes  with  hats  that  require  no  attention 
to  remain  in  place  and  which  shade  the  eyes,  ob- 
viating the  need  of  a  parasol  that  blots  out  the 
view  of  one's  immediate  neighbor  or  neighbors. 

For  driving  and  coaching  trips  we  now  imitate 
the  good  sense  and  practical  utility  of  English- 
women's dress,  —  no  gauze  parasols,  no  dainty  fur- 
belows, but  garments  that  fear  neither  sun,  rain, 
nor  dust.  A  driving-coat,  covert  jacket,  or  golf- 
cape  ;  a  hat  without  feathers,  that  will  stay  on, 
defying  wind  and  weather;  a  small  parasol  that 
will  shade  one's  eyes  without  imperilling  those  of 
one's  neighbor,  —  is  an  ideal  outfit  for  a  drive. 

For  riding,  the  fashionable  habit  is  of  very  dark 
cloth,  —  blue,  green,  black  or  Oxford  mixture, 
made  severely  plain.  The  skirt  is  short 
and  scant,  just  covering  the  wearer's  feet 
when  in  the  saddle.  When  not  mounted, 
she  loops  the  train  on  a  button  at  the  back,  which 
gives  the  skirt  the  appearance  of  an  ordinary 
walking-gown.  In  front,  it  clears  the  ground  by 
two  inches.  A  close-fitting  waist  of  goods  match- 
ing the  skirt,  buttoning  high,  and  opening  with 
small  revers  to  show  a  stock  of  white  pique,  may 
be  worn.  Many  prefer,  however,  a  single-breasted 
jacket  long  enough  over  the  hips  to  almost  touch 
the  saddle  and  cut  away  in  front,  which  is  worn 
over  a  waistcoat  or  flannel  blouse  waist.  In  sum- 
mer it  is  worn  over  a  shirt  waist  or  discarded  alto- 
gether. Trousers  are  worn  under  the  skirt,  and 
easy  laced  shoes  or  boots  of  patent  or  soft-finished 
329 


ETIQUETTE     FOR     ALL      OCCASIONS 

leather.  A  Derby  hat,  or  a  sailor  in  the  country 
in  summer,  loose  supple  dogskin  gloves  and  a 
crop  or  a  "  whangee  "  (a  flexible  reed,  often 
tipped  with  silver)  complete  the  costume  of  the 
modern  equestrienne.  The  horsewoman  in  town, 
if  she  passes  through  the  streets  to  take  horse  at 
a  distance  from  home,  wears  a  loose  raglan  or 
box-shaped  coat  of  tan  or  gray  cloth  over  her 
habit,  that  covers  her  from  neck  to  heels.  A 
mackintosh  cut  on  the  same  lines  is  useful  for 
wear  in  bad  weather  for  a  woman  who  follows  the 
hounds. 

For  hunting,  a  woman's  habit  is  the  same  as  for 
a  ride  in  the  park.  In  the  country  in  hot  weather 
a  serge  or  light  covert  cloth  skirt,  with  a  shirt 
waist  and  sailor  hat,  is  the  sensible  and  com- 
fortable outfit  now  universally  accepted  by  those 
who  ride  often.  The  hair  is  worn  low  and  securely 
fastened.  No  jewelry  but  a  scarf-pin  and  sleeve- 
links  is  admissible. 

For  golf,  the  regulation  attire  is  a  short  cloth 
skirt  reaching  to  the  instep,  flannel  waist,  jacket 
of  scarlet  or  green  cloth  with  collar  and 


buttons  of  the  club  colors,  and  soft  felt  ° 


Alpine  hat  with  scarf  and  long  quill.  For 
summer,  a  duck  skirt  and  shirt  waist,  with  straw 
sailor  or  Alpine  hat  of  stitched  duck  with  scarf  and 
quill  or  pompon,  and  chamois  gloves  buttoned  on 
the  back  of  the  hand.  Russet  shoes  with  hobnails 
or  bits  of  rubber  on  the  soles  are  worn  to  avoid 
slipping. 

33° 


WOMEN'S     DRESS 


For  bicycling,  a  short  skirt  of  double-faced  cloth 
requiring  no  lining,  with  jacket  of  covert,  is  worn 

with  a  flannel  or  shirt  waist,  according 

,  .,  .      Dress  for 

to  the  season,  or  the  entire  costume  is   t.       ,     , 

the  wheel 

made  of  the  same  cloth  —  including  the 

Tyrolese  hat  —  with  cock  feather  at  the  side.    Some 

prefer  skirts  of  duck  or  heavy  linen  for  summer. 

For  rainy  days,  girls  are  adopting  the  sensible 
fashion  of  wearing  their  golf  skirts.  For  travel- 
ling nothing  is  better  than  a  costume 

r  tu  ui  Dress  for 

of  serge  or  other  serviceable   woollen     stormy 

goods,    tailor-made.     The    hat    should    weather, 
be  chosen  with  discretion.    A  becoming    steamer 

one  gives   a   woman    a   distinct    moral   , 

travelling 

support.     It  should  be  small,  that  the 
brim  may  not  catch  in  the  wind,  and  without  feath- 
ers that  fear  dampness  or  flowers  that  fade  in  the 
sunshine. 

An  ulster  and  soft  hat  are  best  for  steamer  wear, 
with  calfskin  boots  or  rubber-soled  russet  ones. 
At  hotel  tables  a  gentlewoman,  when  travelling- 
dresses  so  as  to  attract  no  attention.  Nothing 
bizarre,  no  exaggeration  of  the  prevailing  mode, 
should  be  worn. 

In  summer   young  women    live  almost    exclu- 
sively  in  shirt-waists  and    duck   or   pique   skirts, 
with   sailor,    Panama,    or    Alpine  hats. 
These  gowns  are  changed  for  the  after-    summer 
noon  or  evening  for  those  of  sheer  nain- 
sook, organdie,  batiste,  foulard,  veiling,  and  plain 
or  dotted  Swiss  muslins,  and  when  tastefully  made 
33i 


ETIQUETTE      FOR     ALL     OCCASIONS 

are  appropriately  worn  with  flower-trimmed  Leg- 
horn hats,  for  visiting,  garden  parties,  or  luncheons. 

White  gowns  are  much  worn  at  church,  with  hats 
that  are  tasteful  but  inconspicuous.  Chamois  gloves 
are  popular  for  ordinary  use,  but  many  discard 
gloves  altogether,  except  for  church  or  dressy 
occasions  —  comfort  versus  conventionality. 

It  is  an  old  saying  that  a  lady  may  be  known  by 
her  gloves  and  shoes. 

Cheap  finery  and  false  jewelry  are  the  acme  of 
vulgarity,  and  deceive  no  one,  except  possibly 
while  their  very  ephemeral  newness  lasts. 

False  pretences  to  wealth  are  almost  as  bad  as 
false  pretences  to  beauty,  and  no  woman  of  refine- 
ment need  be  told  that  the  use  of  cosmetics  would 
subject  her  to  nothing  less  than  contempt. 

To  impecunious  women  the  suggestion  may  not 
be  amiss,  that  bonnets  and  gowns  may  be  bought 

Sugges-     late  m  the  season  at  good  houses,  after 

tions  for    serving  as   models,  that  earlier  would 

economy  jiave  cost  pronibjtive  prices.  In  buy- 
ing colored  things  it  is  economy  to  buy  always 
the  same  shade  of  a  color,  —  the  "  left-overs  "  are 
more  available,  but  black  and  white  are  always  ser- 
viceable. Where  one  black  gown  has  to  play  many 
r61es,  two  bonnets  very  unlike  worn  with  it  de- 
flect suspicion  of  its  protean  character. 

It  is  a  growing  fashion  for  young  women  to  wear 
low-necked  gowns  in  the  evenings.  Comfort  com- 
mends it.  The  materials  are  usually  plain  or  flow- 
ered organdies,  Swiss  muslin  worn  over  different 
332 


WOMEN'S     DRESS 


colors,  or  silk  skirts  with  chiffon  waists.     Simple  ball 
gowns  have  renewed  opportunities  of  usefulness. 

Older  women  wear  foulards,  canvas,  nun's  veil- 
ing, nainsook,  and  dimity  in  the  morning;  grena- 
dine,  China    crepe,   summer  silks,  and   Dress  for 
black  net  gowns  in  the  evening.     For     elderly 
church  and  visiting,  a  simple  or  a  dressy     w°men 
hat  makes  a  difference  of  attire  with  these  same 
gowns.     Elderly  women,  to  whom  it  is  no  longer 
possible  to  attract  by  any  charm  of  person,  may 
yet  be  pleasing  if  they  are,  in  their  dress,  always 
exquisitely  neat.     Their  dressing-tables  should  be 
placed  in  a  good  light. 

Her  head-gear  is  the  most  important  part  of  a 
woman's  street  costume.      In  choosing  a  hat,  a 
woman  should  stand  where  she  can  see 
her  whole  figure  in  a  glass  and  use  a 
triple  mirror,  that  she  may  see  herself  at  different 
angles.     A  bonnet  should  be  worn  with  a  cape,  a 
hat  with  a  jacket. 

Ruskin  asks,  "  Why  should  we  wear  black  for  the 
guests  of  God?  "  Mourning,  however,  is  worn  not 
only  as  an  expression  of  grief,  but  as  a 

protection  when  one  would  escape  obser-   M°urmn& 

.  ,    .  ...         dress 

vation,  as  though  it  rendered  one  invisi- 
ble.    It   should  therefore   be   severely  plain   and 
exquisitely  neat,  not  betraying  over-much  interest 
in  style  and  cut. 

A  widow  in  her  first  year  of  mourning  wears 
woollen  or  silk-warp  fabrics,  trimmed  deeply  with 
cr6pe   or  with   folds  of  the  material,  and  for  the 
333 


ETIQUETTE     FOR      ALL      OCCASIONS 

street  a  jacket  of  cloth  or  of  goods  matching  the 

A  widow's  gown,  a  cr£pe  bonnet,  —  with  tiny  white 

mourning  ruche,  if  desired,  —  a  very  long  cr£pe 

garb       vejj^  an(j  sug-de  gloves.     All  black  furs 

are  worn. 

In  the  house  some  wear  white  collars  and  cuffs 
of  hem-stitched  organdie.  In  summer  a  widow 
wears  nun's  veiling,  China  cr£pe,  Brussels  net,  and 
black  pique  or  white  lawn  with  black  ribbons  in 
the  morning. 

For  the  first  three  months  the  veil  is  worn  over 
the  face,  but  cr^pe  is  so  injurious  to  eyes  weak- 
ened by  weeping  that  many  wear  a  face-veil  of 
tulle  or  net,  edged  with  cr£pe,  with  the  long  veil 
thrown  back.  In  summer  and  for  common  use 
silk  veiling  may  replace  cr£pe.  During  the  second 
year  the  widow's  cap  is  left  off  and  the  veil  short- 
ened. The  third  year  lustreless  silk  is  worn,  cr£pe 
is  discarded,  and  much  is  left  to  the  option  of  the 
wearer.  Some  widows  wear  mourning  but  two  years, 
lightening  at  intervals  of  six  months.  Elderly 
women  often  continue  to  wear  black  always. 

For  parents,  grown  children,  brothers  and  sis- 
ters, mourning  is  worn  for  two  years,  —  differing 
Mourning  however   in  degree.     For   parents  and 
for        children  the  veil    is  worn  for  a  year, 
for  brothers  and  sisters  six  months    is 
the    usual    period,    and    the    garments    would    be 
plainer  in  the  former  case  than  in  the  other. 

Many  wear  plain  black  and   no  veil    from   the 
first.     Especially  do  young  girls  omit  the  veil  and 
334 


WOMEN'S     DRESS 


wear  cr£pe  toques  or  black  straw  hats  trimmed 
with  cr£pe  or  chiffon,  with  cloth,  serge,  or  Henri- 
etta gowns  for  six  months,  and  a  touch  of  white 
after  that. 

A  bunch  of  fresh  violets  confers  a  certain  distinc- 
tion to  a  woman's  dress,  and  especially  to  mourning. 

Children  under  twelve  years  of  age  are  rarely 
dressed  in  mourning  unless  for  a  parent, 

when  black  sashes  are  worn  with  white 

mourning 

frocks,  and  gray  replaces  other  colors. 

For  a  child,  parents  wear  mourning  a  year ;  for  an 
infant,  simple  black,  relieved  with  white,  gray,  or 
lilac,  for  three  months.    Where  there  are    Parents' 
young  children  in  the  family,  mourning  mourning 
should  be  lightened  as  soon  as  would        for 

,  ,  children 

be  seemly. 

For   relations     not   of    the    immediate    family, 
mourning   is  optional,  but   black    may  Mourning 
be  worn  for  six  months,  and  black  and        for 
white  for  the  remainder  of  the  year. 

Theoretically,    mourning  is    assumed  for    one's 
relations-in-law,  the  same  as    for  one's  Mourning 
own  relatives,  but  practically  feeling  and    dress  for 

circumstances    have    much  to  do   with   relations- 

,  in-law 

its  degree. 

A    bride,  if  married    during  her    first   year  of 
mourning,  resumes  it  after   the   cere-     A  bride's 
mony,  but  usually  lightens  it.  mourning 

As  mourning  is  discarded,  the  models  of  the 
gowns  become  more  dressy  until  every-  Discarding 
thing  but  colors  is  worn.  mourning 

335 


ETIQUETTE     FOR     ALL     OCCASIONS 

Complimentary  mourning  is  worn  three  months. 
Almost  anything  if  black  except  velvet  and  ostrich 
feathers  is  suitable. 

It  is  in  good  taste  to  wear  black  or  dark  gowns 
and  gloves  at  funerals.  We  seem  thereby  to  asso- 
ciate ourselves  with  the  sorrow  of  those 

f  .  to  whom  we  have  come  out  of  respect 
and  sympathy.  The  highest  principles 
are  not  too  high  for  the  guidance  of  our  most 
trivial  acts. 


336 


Chapter   Twenty -second—  MEN'S 

DRESS   AND    DEPORTMENT 

)VERY  young  man  starting  in  life, 
and  naturally  desiring  the  recog- 
nition of  his  right  to  be  a  member 
of  that  vast  conglomerate  known  as 
society,  is  confronted  with  certain 
problems.  His  dress,  deportment,  his  behavior 
towards  women,  and  his  bearing  towards  his  fellow- 
men  are  so  many  tests  by  which  the  world  will 
judge  him. 

Familiarity  with  the  prevailing  standards  of 
etiquette  gives  a  man  a  distinct  advantage,  and  he 
who  "  knows  that  he  knows  "  is  at  ease  and  con- 
forms automatically  to  social  requirement.  None 
can  be  perfect  in  deportment  who  has  to  stop 
to  consider  how  things  ought  to  be  done.  If  a 
man  be  a  gentleman  at  heart,  the  outward  polish 
is  easily  acquired  ;  between  manners  and  morals 
the  tie  is  intimate. 

A  true  gentleman  is  simple,  unpretending,  nat- 
ural.    He  is  courteous,  unselfish,  considerate,  and 
has  the  personal  dignity  that  comes  of  vvhat  con- 
self-respect,  not  self-consciousness.     He   stitutes  a 
treats  every  woman  as  a  lady,  speaks  well  gentleman 
of  others,  and  recognizes  hospitality  as  a  mutual 
obligation. 

22  337 


ETIQUETTE     FOR     ALL     OCCASIONS 

Proper  dress  being  one  of  the  evidences  of  good 

breeding,   a    man    should    observe    certain    rules, 

A  man's    which,  though  few  in  number,  are  thor- 

proper  oughly  well  defined,  and  apply  to  man- 
dress  kjnc|  m  general,  from  the  age  of  eighteen 
to  the  allotted  threescore  and  ten. 

Aside  from  special  costumes  for  various  sports 
and  pastimes,  there  are  three  rules  of  dress,  — 
morning,  afternoon,  and  evening.  These  might 
be  resolved  into  two,  —  morning  and  evening,  — 
since  afternoon  dress  is  called  for  only  on  special 
occasions. 

Morning  dress  is  worn  at  any  time  or  place, 
until  dark,  where  formal  dress  is  not  required,  and 

in  winter  consists  usually  of  an   entire 
Morning         .  . 

dress      SU1^  °*  tweed,  homespun,  or  cheviot,  — 

called  in  England  "dittoes,"  from  being 
all  of  the  same  material,  —  made  with  lounge  or 
sacque  coat,  or  a  cutaway  or  morning  coat  and 
waistcoat  of  vicuna  or  other  dark  goods,  with 
trousers  of  a  quiet  pattern.  A  colored  shirt  with 
white  standing  or  all  around  turned-down  collar, 
and  cuffs  of  the  material  of  the  shirt,  is  worn, 
and  any  tie  of  the  prevailing  mode.  The  waist- 
coat, cut  high,  shows  little  of  the  shirt.  A  Derby 
or  Alpine  hat,  stout  shoes,  and  heavy  dogskin 
gloves  complete  the  costume. 

In  summer  suits  of  flannel,  serge,  light  tweed, 

and  cheviot  are  worn.    The  flannel  and  serge  suits 

are  made  with  sacque  coats,  the  tweeds  with  either 

sacque  or  cutaway  coats.     With  the  latter  linen  or 

338 


MEN'S     DRESS     A  N  D     D  E  F  O  R  T  M  E  N  T 

duck  waistcoats  are  thought  to  emphasize  the 
effect  of  neatness,  so  inseparable  from  a  well- 
dressed  man.  Colored  shirts  with  white  collars 
are  worn,  and  tan  or  russet  shoes,  —  or  white,  with 
white  trousers.  A  straw  or  light  soft  felt  hat  is  the 
appropriate  head  gear. 

In  the  country  one  may  wear  knickerbockers 
with  sacque  coat  of  same  material,  or  black  sacque 
coat  with  cap  like  the  trousers,  as  well  as  an  entire 
suit  of  flannel,  serge,  or  tweed.  So  attired,  a 
man  may  play  golf  or  tennis,  drive,  row,  or  pay  a 
morning  call. 

For  church  he  should  wear  a  frock  or  morning 
coat  and  a  high  hat.  After  church  he  may 
change,  if  he  please,  to  a  suit  of  dittoes.  The 
English  proverb,  attributed  to  Beau  Nash,  says, 
"A  gentleman  is  known  by  his  linen."  When 
that  is  irreproachable,  a  man  fresh  from  the  matu- 
tinal tub,  with  sleek,  well-groomed  head,  hands 
and  nails  cared  for,  clothes  well  brushed,  and 
shining  boots,  has  an  air  of  smartness  that  makes 
clothes  of  modish  cut  seem  of  secondary  im- 
portance. 

In  summer  morning  dress  is  allowable  all  day, 
but  for  calling  or  informal  social  occasions  white 
duck  or  linen  or  striped  flannel  trousers  with 
black  or  blue  serge  or  cheviot  coat  and  waist- 
coat are  often  substituted  for  the  frock  coat. 
The  favorite  summer  overcoat  has  been  a  covert 
coat,  with  which  a  Derby  is  worn,  never  a  top- 
hat. 

339 


ETIQUETTE  FOR  ALL   OCCASIONS 

Afternoon  dress  is  worn  at  weddings,  —  for  bride- 
groom, ushers,  and  guests,  —  at  church,  afternoon 

teas,  garden  parties,  receptions,  for  walks 
Afternoon 
dress      on  fashionable  thoroughfares,  and  at  all 

functions  between  noon  and  evening.  It 
consists  of  a  double-breasted  frock-coat  and  waist- 
coat of  vicuna,  soft  cheviot,  or  whatever  black- 
goods  is  in  vogue,  or  a  waistcoat  of  white  duck  or 
pique,  single  or  double  breasted,  with  trousers  of 
some  quiet-toned  striped  material,  patent-leather 
buttoned  shoes,  white  shirt  with  standing  or  all 
around  turned-down  collar,  four-in-hand  or  Ascot 
tie,  dogskin  gloves,  and  silk  hat.  A  walking-stick 
and  boutonniere  add  a  touch  of  distinction.  With 
afternoon  dress  some  men  wear  colored  shirts 
with  white  collars  and  cuffs,  but  it  is  not  in  the 
best  taste. 

Nothing  is  so  unstable  as  fashion,  but  at  present 
men  find  the  Raglan  overcoat  the  best  for  general 
comfort,  wear,  and  tear.  In  business  hours  and  on 
business  thoroughfares,  if  a  man  carry  a  stick,  it 
would  be  regarded  as  an  affectation,  but  with  after- 
noon dress,  or  in  the  morning  when  going  for  a 
walk,  it  is  in  keeping.  A  tightly  rolled  umbrella 
replaces  it  upon  occasion. 

Evening  dress  is  the  proper  attire  for  all  occa- 
sions after  dark, —  balls,  dances,  opera,  theatre, 
evening  calls  in  town  and  country, 

Evening         .  .  J 

dress      winter  and  summer.     It  consists   of  a 
"  swallow-tail  "  coat,  low-cut  waistcoat, 
and  trousers  of  fine  worsted  or  vicuna, —  the  coat 
34° 


MEN'S     DRESS     AND     DEPORTMENT 

with  or  without  silk  or  satin  facing,  the  trousers 
usually  with  a  braid  down  the  sides.  The  waist- 
coat may  also  be  of  duck  or  pique,  double- 
breasted  and  cut  low  in  the  form  of  a  U.  The  tie 
should  be  of  white  lawn  or  linen,  absolutely  fresh 
and  newly  tied  in  a  bow  not  too  large.  Ready- 
made  ties  are  recognizable  at  a  glance,  and  con- 
sidered very  bad  form.  No  jewelry  is  visible  but 
the  shirt  studs  of  white  enamel,  dull  gold,  or  pearls, 
and  the  sleeve-links  of  dull  gold  with  monogram 
or  white  enamel.  The  watch  when  worn  is  at- 
tached to  a  gold  key-chain  and  concealed  in  the 
pocket.  The  chain  is  attached  to  the  suspender, 
or  two  chains  are  worn ;  from  one  hangs  the  watch, 
from  the  other  the  keys.  The  greater  portion  of 
the  chains  and  their  appendages  are  concealed  in 
the  trousers  pocket.  A  watch-chain  is  worn  by 
the  elder  men,  if  the  links  are  small  and  the  whole 
effect  very  inconspicuous,  while  some  wear  a  fob 
of  broad  black  ribbon,  with  a  seal  at  the  end  and 
a  buckle  in  the  middle  to  brighten  it  up  a  bit. 
Patent-leather  pumps  and  black  silk  stockings 
only  are  worn  with  evening  clothes.  Gardenias 
or  welded  white  pinks  are  the  favorite  button- 
hole flowers.  The  overcoat  is  a  Raglan  of  some 
black  worsted  goods,  preferably  like  that  of  the 
evening  clothes,  but  heavier,  made  with  velvet 
collar,  or  a  large,  loose  coat,  fur-lined,  with  either 
of  which  a  crush  or  opera  hat  is  worn.  An  or- 
dinary black  overcoat  with  silk  hat  may  be  worn 
with  evening  clothes  as  well. 
34i 


ETIQUETTE      FOR     ALL      OCCASIONS 

A  dining-jacket,  or  "  Tuxedo,"  of  satin-faced 
vicuna  —  low-cut  waistcoat,  and  trousers  to  match 
Informal  —  with  white  shirt  and  black  tie,  is  the 
evening  informal  evening  dress.  It  is  worn  at 
home,  for  the  family  dinner,  when  giv- 
ing or  attending  a  very  informal  dinner  among 
relatives  or  intimate  friends,  at  a  stag-dinner,  at 
the  theatre  unless  with  a  theatre  party,  and  at 
other  times  in  the  winter  season  when  the  occa- 
sion is  not  formal,  and  ladies  are  not  of  the 
company.  In  summer,  when  the  exigencies  of 
dress  are  somewhat  relaxed  to  suit  hot-weather 
feelings,  a  dinner-jacket  is  permissible  at  func- 
tions that  in  winter  would  demand  formal  dress. 
It  is,  however,  a  safe  rule  to  follow,  whenever  a 
man  is  in  doubt  which  of  the  two  to  wear,  to  give 
the  preference  to  the  coat. 

For  an  informal  dinner  or  tea  on  Sunday  even- 
ing, the  dinner  jacket  is  often  preferred  to  formal 
evening  dress,  and  where  one  is  on  very  intimate 
footing  and  a  man  is  sure  that  his  host  will  not 
wear  evening  clothes,  a  cutaway  or  frock  coat  is 
admissible. 

The  top-hat,  with  which  we  are  so  familiar  and 
which  still  confers  the  necessary  distinction  to  a 
man's  formal  dress,  is  spoken  of  in  a  letter  written 
by  a  woman  in  Paris  to  her  friend,  during  Na- 
poleon's Consulate,  in  the  following  terms:  "The 
latest  things  for  gentlemen  are  the  high  hats. 
These  are  tall  cylinders  of  black  felt,  smooth  as 
mirrors,  and  look  exactly  like  chimney-pots.  I 
342 


MEN'S     DRESS     AND     DEPORTMENT 

really  thought  I  must  be  at  a  masquerade.  The 
hatter  — Thierry  is  his  name  —  who  invented  them 
made  a  wager  that  he  would  introduce  the  very 
most  absurd  shape  imaginable,  and  it  would  be- 
come fashionable.  And  he  won  the  wager,  for 
these  tall  black  pillars  are  now  quite  '  de  rigueur  ' 
with  the  exquisites." 

A  high  hat  should  never  be  worn  with  any 
tailless  coat;  so  with  a  dinner  jacket  a  black  soft 
hat  is  the  proper  one  in  winter  and  a  straw  one 
in  summer. 

A  Tuxedo  may  be  worn  on  the  street  without 
an  overcoat,  while  formal  evening  dress  exacts 
that  one  be  carried  over  the  arm,  if  not  worn. 
White  dogskin  or  kid  are  the  gloves  preferred 
for  balls,  operas,  and  theatre  parties,  though  some 
wear  pale  gray  kid.  White  gloves  are  not  allow- 
able by  daylight,  except  at  weddings. 

Diamonds  are  relegated  to  "  showy  "  persons  not 
recognized  as  gentlefolk.  They  are  admissible 
only  when,  very  small,  they  are  set  in  scarf-pins  as 
auxiliaries  to  something  else.  Rings  are  worn  only 
on  the  little  ringer.  Seal-rings  are  preferred  to 
others.  The  best  dressed  men  are  only  conspic- 
uous because  of  the  extreme  quietness  of  their 
attire  and  an  almost  entire  absence  of  jewelry. 

The  Tuxedo  has  solved  the  question  of  evening 
dress    for  youths.      From    fourteen   to    Youths' 
eighteen  they  wear  dinner-jackets,  with    evening 
black    dress    trousers    and    waistcoats,      dress 
black  satin  ties,  patent-leather  pumps,  and  black 
343 


ETIQUETTE     FOR     ALL     OCCASIONS 

silk  stockings,  for  evening  affairs  and  at  the  play. 
Before  that  age  they  wear  Eton  jackets,  knicker- 
bockers, and  large  round  collars  with  black  ties  for 
evening  dress. 

For  cycling  and  general  country  sports,  men 
Sporti  wear  knickerbocker  suits  of  tweed,  Nor- 
dress—  folk  or  short  jackets,  heavy  ribbed  golf 
cycling  stockings,  stout  russet  laced  shoes,  and 
cloth  caps  or  soft  felt  Homburg  hats. 

"  R.  &  S."  coats  (Road  and  Sporting)  are  made 
with  very  full  skirts,  which  may  be  drawn  over  the 
knees  when  driving,  and  the  sleeves  are  so  lined 
that  loose  folds  of  the  silk  are  held  by  an  elastic 
about  the  wrist  and  prevent  the  air  blowing  up 
the  sleeve. 

For   boating   expeditions    or  yachting  parties, 

blue  serge  sacque  coat,  duck  trousers,  white  canvas 

shoes,    and    a    yachting   cap    make    an 

ac  ting   attractive  costume;    and  although  real 
dress 

yachtsmen  pay  little  attention  to  such 

details,  yet,  as  has  been  suggested,  a  man  need  be 

none  the  less  a  good  sailor  because  he  looks  trim 

and  natty  while  "  hauling  aft  the  main-brace  and 

shivering  his  timbers." 

A  word  anent  bathing  suits.    Why  cannot  a  man 

wear  a  fairly  decent  garment  when  bathing,  instead 
of  the  sleeveless,  almost  backless,  gar- 
men*  ^at  is  now  so  generally  affected? 
If  a  man  cannot  swim  with  a  sleeve  that 

covers  his  shoulder,  he  should  give  up  bathing  in 

company  that  includes  women. 
344 


MEN'S  DRESS  AND  DEPORTMENT 

Golf  has  become  so  common  an  amusement  that 
the  golfer  has  settled  down  to  the  uniform  cos- 
tume, or  to  one  which  is  simply  "  mufti," 

or  general  lounge-suits  of  light  flannel   Dres^  for 

golf 
with  long  trousers  and  "  negligee"  shirts. 

At  club  matches,  however,  the  dress  is  more  for- 
mal, and  the  coat  of  golfing  "pink"  —  as  it  is  the 
fashion  to  call  scarlet  —  or  green  is  worn  with  club 
buttons  and  knickerbockers  of  homespun  or  rough 
Scotch  goods,  with  "  quarter  cuffs  "  of  box  cloth. 
The  golf  waistcoat  is  single-breasted,  and  usually 
of  a  rather  violent  pattern  and  color  when  worn 
with  a  sacque  coat  matching  the  trousers.  Fashions 
vary  so,  no  hard-and-fast  rules  can  be  given. 

The  proper  attire  for  a  horseman  consists  of  full 
riding  breeches,  usually  of  whipcord,  and  boots,  or 
heavy  boxcloth  or  leather  leggings,  but- 
toned up  the  front  of  the  leg  from  ankle      J1  ing 

dress 
to  knee,  a  high  waistcoat,  and  cutaway 

coat  with  short  tails,  white  stock  tie,  heavy-laced 
shoes,  riding  gloves,  and  a  Derby  or  Alpine  hat. 
The  suit  may  be  all  of  one  color,  or  a  dark  coat 
may  be  worn  with  gray  waistcoat  and  trousers.  A 
Norfolk  jacket  is  sometimes  worn,  with  which  riding 
boots  are  "  de  rigueur."  A  riding  crop  with  plain 
bone  handle  is  carried.  Men  past  their  first  youth 
often  prefer  to  wear  long  trousers,  with  straps  un- 
der the  foot  to  keep  them  in  place.  A  high  silk  hat 
or  Derby  is  appropriately  worn  with  this  costume. 
For  hunting,  a  man  may  choose  between  his 
ordinary  riding  dress,  full  hunting  costume,  or  a 
345 


ETIQUETTE     FOR      ALL      OCCASIONS 

compromise  between  the  two.  A  man  who  hunts 
but  occasionally  may  prefer  to  wear  a  black  cut- 
away coat,  riding  breeches  of  white  leather  or 
wash  goods,  riding  boots  with  white  or  tan  tops, 
white  stock,  silk  hat,  dogskin  gloves,  and  carry  a 
hunting  crop  with  long  lash.  The  full  huntsman's 
costume  includes  white  leather  riding  breeches, 
short-waisted  tail  coat,  double  or  single  breasted, 
of  either  hunting  pink  or  green,  with  short  skirts, 
black  varnished  leather  boots,  white  waistcoat  and 
stock,  and  top  hat.  He  carries  a  hunting  crop. 

For  driving,  there  is  less  punctilio.     The  whip 

on  the  box-seat  of  a  coach  usually  wears  a  suit  of 

gray  tweed  with  gray  high  hat,  or  if  the 

nving    wea^-jler  permits,  a  top  coat,  which  is 

usually  of  tan  or  gray  cloth,  box-shaped, 

the  hat  matching  in  general  tone.     In  midsummer 

he  may  wear  a  soft  felt  hat,  or  even  a  panama, 

with  a  suit  of  light  wool  dittoes.     The  men  of  the 

party  follow  the  same  general  rule. 

A  comfortable  dress  for  summer  driving  is  a 
dark  serge  coat  with  white  linen  or  striped  flannel 
trousers,  with  straw  or  panama  hat,  dogskin  gloves, 
and  russet  shoes. 

For  steamer  wear,  old  travellers  generally  wear 

old  clothes.     A  warm  lounge  suit,  or  heavy  tweed 

knickerbocker  suit,  with  a  soft  felt  or 

rave  mg  Homburcr  hat,  loose  doeskin  gloves,  and 
dress 

easy  broad-soled  russet  shoes,  makes  a 

comfortable  "  steamer  rig."     In  cold  weather  an 

ulster  will  be  needed.     For  late  dinner  on  board 

346 


MEN'S  DRESS  AND  DEPORTMENT 

ship,  a  black  cutaway  coat,  with  fresh  linen,  is 
usually  thought  sufficient  preparation  for  the  occa- 
sion. For  railway  travel,  a  suit  of  tweeds,  with 
colored  shirt,  white  collar,  soft  felt  Alpine  hat,  tan 
or  gray  reindeer  or  suede  gloves,  and  russet  shoes 
will  make  one  presentable,  if  combined  with  scrupu- 
lous neatness. 

The  figure  of  the  man  of  to-day  is  slim,  athletic, 
but  not  burly.  His  shoulders  are  broad  (padding 
has  been  done  away  with),  his  limbs  are 
sturdy,  and  he  affects  a  quick,  brisk 
walk.  Anglomaniacs  lengthen  the  step 
to  a  pronounced  stride.  All  live  much  in  the  open 
air,  and  clothes  are  worn  easier,  looser,  and  more 
comfortable  than  heretofore.  In  these  days  our 
knightliest  knights,  however,  are  far  more  luxurious 
than  the  dames  of  olden  time.  It  is  a  period  of 
aesthetic  athletes. 

Whatever  be  one's  fortune,  if  one  has  not  learned 
habits  of  neatness  and  order,  one  will   never  be 

well  dressed.    To  have  good  clothes,  one 

„  The  care  of 

must  know  how  to  take  care  of  them,       ,  ,. 

clothes 

—  spare  the  brush  and  spoil  the  clothes. 
Young  men  with  money  to  waste  may  have  valets, 
but  an  able-bodied  man,  with  a  serviceable  pair  of 
hands  and  a  conscience,  may  spend  twenty  min- 
utes a  day  in  caring  for  his  clothes,  and  find  other 
and  worthier  ways  to  spend  his  money  than  for 
expensive  servants  and  their  many  perquisites. 

The   French    have    a   saying,    "  One    is    soon 
dressed  in  old  clothes  when  one  has   only   new 
347 


ETIQUETTE     FOR     ALL     OCCASIONS 

ones."  There  are  occasions  when  old  clothes 
well-kept  and  neat  are  a  greater  evidence  of  re- 
spectability and  of  "  savoir  vivre  "  than  new  ones, 
however  irreproachable. 

A  man's        The  first  thing  noted  about  a  man, 

social      however  unconsciously  to  the  observer, 

deportment  js    hJs    appearance.     the    next>    his   de_ 

portment. 

Society  asks  little  of  a  young  man  except  to 
behave  well.  If  he  be  manly  in  looks,  if  he  has 
a  good  manner,  is  civil  to  his  elders,  if  he  has  any 
little  gift  of  entertaining,  —  any  "  parlor  tricks,"  — 
if  he  sends  a  few  flowers  occasionally,  looks  pleas- 
ant, and  is  polite,  his  way  will  be  smooth  to  success, 
—  always  providing  that  he  is  really  a  gentleman. 

Manner  is  much  more  subtle  than  manners. 
Manners  may  take  on  a  fine  polish,  but  manner 
is  the  unconscious  expression  of  one's  inner  self, 
one's  own  personality. 

If  a  man  goes  at  all  into  society,  he  is  expected 
to  be  punctilious  in  all  the  small  social  observ- 
ances, with  the  conformity  that  comes  of  habit. 

He  should  answer  all  invitations  within  twenty- 
four  hours  after  their  receipt,  and  be  able  to  write 
a  presentable  note.  A  call  after  every  civility 
received  is  the  proper  courtesy.  The  details  of 
calling  etiquette  have  been  discussed  in  a  former 
chapter. 

As  society  is  chiefly  managed  by  women,  it  is 
with  a  man's  relations  with  them  that  he  has  prin- 
cipally to  concern  himself. 
348 


MEN'S  DRESS  AND  DEPORTMENT 

Gentlemen  never  smoke  in  the  presence  of 
ladies,  unless  by  special  permission.  When  a  man 
accompanies  a  lady  on  the  street,  he,  as  a  rule, 
takes  the  outer  side  of  the  walk.  It  represents 
his  protection.  He  never  joins  her  on  a  thorough- 
fare unless  the  friendship  be  an  established  one, 
and  only  with  her  permission.  Nor  will  he  stand 
and  converse  with  her,  or  enter  a  church  or  shop 
with  her,  but  at  her  invitation  if  she  has  permitted 
him  to  join  her.  If  he  is  smoking  (which  he  will 
not  do  on  a  fashionable  thoroughfare),  he  will  of 
course  throw  away  cigar  or  cigarette  before  ad- 
dressing her.  It  is  provincial  to  walk  "  sand- 
wiched "  between  two  women,  to  stare,  or  look 
after  any  one  that  has  passed.  A  gentleman  al- 
ways acknowledges  a  woman's  recognition  whether 
he  recalls  her  face  or  not.  In  public  conveyances 
a  man  does  not  pay  a  woman's  fare  unless  he  is 
her  escort,  except  in  an  emergency,  when  he 
should  ask  the  permission  as  a  privilege. 

When  speaking  to  a  lady  at  her  carriage  door 
or  elsewhere  in  the  open,  he  removes  his  hat,  re- 
places it  slowly,  raising  it  again  upon  leaving  her 
with  special  deference,  or  he  may  resume  it  only 
at  her  bidding.  The  "  ceremony  of  the  hat  "  has 
been  treated  of  in  the  chapter  on  Salutations. 
A  gentleman  always  assists  a  woman  in  and  out 
of  a  carriage  or  public  conveyance,  opens  the  door 
of  the  vehicle,  and  while  helping  her  in,  deftly 
protects  her  skirts  from  contact  with  the  wheel. 
He  aids  her  to  alight  by  giving  her  his  hand,  the 
349 


ETIQUETTE     FOR     ALL     OCCASIONS 

muscles  of  the  arm  held  firm  and  rigid  meanwhile, 
so  as  to  give  her  real  support. 

When  a  man  drives  with  a  lady  not  of  his 
family,  in  a  four-seated  carriage,  he  takes  his  place 
with  his  back  to  the  horses,  and  waits  her  invitation 
before  sitting  at  her  side.  Should  the  carriage 
stop  to  take  in  another  woman,  he  of  course  de- 
scends and  assists  her  to  enter  and,  if  for  any 
reason  the  lady  within  wishes  to  speak  to  a  friend 
whom  she  sees  in  passing,  he  must  again  descend 
and  stand  aside  by  the  open  door  until  the 
ladies  part,  when  he  raises  his  hat,  gives  the  order 
to  the  coachman,  and  closes  the  door  behind  him. 

When  arrived  at  the  lady's  house,  he  assists  her 
to  alight,  walks  up  the  steps  with  her,  rings  the 
bell,  never  going  in,  of  course,  unless  invited.  If 
he  leaves  her  in  a  carriage,  he  closes  the  door  of 
the  vehicle,  gives  directions  to  the  coachman 
ignoring  the  groom,  if  there  be  one,  and  raises  his 
hat  to  the  lady  before  turning  away.  The  neces- 
sary etiquette,  when  a  man  is  himself  the  whip,  to 
be  observed  when  driving  with  a  woman  comes 
under  the  head  of  Sporting  Etiquette,  hereinafter 
considered. 

Men  raise  their  hats  to  each  other  if  any  trifling 
service  is  shown  to  a  woman  in  their  charge.  If 
the  courtesy  be  the  yielding  of  a  seat,  a  gentleman 
will  not  seat  himself  when  opportunity  offers,  while 
the  obliging  stranger  stands,  but  calls  the  latter's 
attention  to  the  vacant  place  if  he  be  unobservant 
of  it. 

350 


MEN'S     DRESS     AND     DEPORTMENT 

A  man  precedes  a  woman  in  entering  a  theatre 
or  public  place.  In  a  church  the  woman  goes 
first.  He  may  precede  her  up  a  public  staircase, 
but  in  a  private  house,  in  ascending  and  descend- 
ing, he  follows. 

If  a  man  is  invited  to  dine  and  "  go  on  "  after- 
ward to  ball  or  opera,  his  hostess  and  her  guests 
are  entitled  to  his  special  attention.  His  conduct 
at  opera  and  theatre  has  already  been  considered. 

An  escort  should  always  be  punctual.  To  keep 
a  lady  waiting  is  very  bad  form. 

Young  men  and  women  walk  together  in  the  day- 
time, but  if  they  ride  or  drive  in  company,  a  groom 
should  be  in  attendance.  A  man's  proper  atten- 
tions to  a  woman  when  riding  with  her  will  be 
considered  in  the  chapter  treating  of  Sporting 
Etiquette. 

In  a  restaurant  or  hotel  dining-room,  if  a  lady 
bows  to  a  man,  he  rises  slightly  from  his  seat  when 
making  the  acknowledgment.  When  he  is  with 
a  party,  if  a  lady  with  her  escort  stops  to  speak  to 
his  friends,  he  rises  and  remains  standing  until  she 
passes  on.  He  also  rises  if  a  man  is  introduced  to 
him,  even  when  with  a  stag  party. 

When  a  man  opens  a  door  in  a  public  place  for 
a  lady  to  whom  he  is  a  stranger,  he  holds  it  open 
with  one  hand  while  he  lifts  his  hat  with  the 
other,  and  pauses  for  her  to  pass  through  first, 
looking  at  her  but  casually. 

A  deferential  manner  pays  better  compliments 
than  explicit  language.  Avoid  a  parade  of  gal- 
35' 


ETIQUETTE      FOR      ALL      OCCASIONS 

lantry.  A  well-bred  man  does  not  compromise  a 
girl,  or  make  her  unduly  conspicuous  by  over- 
attention,  nor  shun  one  with  whom  he  is  thrown 
because  she  does  not  attract  him.  He  should  be 
courteous  to  all  alike.  A  good  deal  of  devotion  is 
allowed,  but  let  a  man  remember  that  it  may  be 
checked  later,  and  keep  himself  well  in  hand. 

There  is  a  type  of  girl  who  looks  into  every 
man's  face  as  though  he  were  the  only  living  being 
that  she  can  trust.  Many  love-worthy  girls  are 
unfortunate  in  their  bringing  up.  Be  man  enough 
to  defend  such,  even  against  yourself. 

We  may  assume  that  Americans  need  little  tutor- 
ing in  chivalry  towards  women,  feeling 
honor°    themselves  the   more  stringently  bound 
by  the  very  freedom  accorded  them. 

A  manly  man  will  never  keep  a  compromising 
letter,  especially  from  a  woman.  Time  and  cir- 
cumstances often  change  a  silly  girl  into  a  noble 
woman,  to  whom  such  a  "  hand-writing  against 
her"  would  be  an  injustice.  Avoid,  when  possible, 
any  money  transactions  with  women.  They  are 
always  somewhat  embarrassing. 

A  man,  who  has  any  claim  to  the  name  of  gen- 
tleman never  bows  to  a  woman  from  a  club- 
window,  and  ladies'  names  are  there  by  common 
consent  omitted  from  the  conversation.  Any  act 
of  courtesy  is  never  a  prelude  to  an  acquaintance 
with  an  unescorted  woman. 

A  man,  when  with  a  lady,  never  recognizes  ac- 
quaintances who  seem  to  be  in  doubtful  company. 
352 


MEN'S     DRESS     AND     DEPORTMENT 

To    those  unfortunates  who    are  shy  and  self- 
distrustful  there  is  little  use  in  telling  them  to  be 
self-forgetful,  —  the  effort  to  forget  self 
reminds  one  of  self.     The  only  cure  is  who  ig  sh 
to  so  fill  the  thoughts  with  others  that 
self  will  be  crowded  out.    Fortunately  the  stillness 
of  form,  the    quiet    pose   that  we   notice    in  the 
English,  is  the  fashion,  and  it  is  more  easily  imi- 
tated by  a  bashful   person  than  the  perfect  ease 
of  those  happy  souls  who  are  unconscious  of  their 
bodies. 

Restlessness  is  an  enemy  of  good  form,  and  a 
loud  laugh  and  an  over-vivacious  manner  proclaim 
the  nervousness  that  one  seeks  to  hide.  Gesticu- 
lation is  out  of  fashion.  Composure  is  thought 
to  be  high-bred ;  "  the  more  manner,  the  less 
manners." 

A   man's  breeding  is  revealed  not  less  by  his 
conversation  than  in  his  appearance  and  deport- 
ment.    To   converse   is,    of  course,   to    A  man's 
interchange    thoughts,   but   in    society  conversa- 
the  talk  is  necessarily  fragmentary  and 
disconnected,  and  one  needs  to  cultivate  readiness 
of  speech   and  a  quick   and  flexible   intelligence 
rather  than   to  aim  at  anything  more  ambitious. 

The  Socratic  wisdom  of  knowing  one's  own 
ignorance  is  a  valuable  acquisition.  Genuine  ex- 
cellence is  never  compelled  to  assert  itself,  and 
the  more  simple,  natural,  and  kindly  a  man  shows 
himself,  the  more  will  he  multiply  his  friends. 
To  hear  a  woman  drag  into  her  conversation  the 
23  353 


ETIQUETTE     FOR      ALL     OCCASIONS 

names  of  her  desirable  acquaintances  makes 
her  appear  contemptible  and  silly,  but  a  man 
who  poses  for  a  fashionable  exclusive  is  unpar- 
donable. 

Money  is  never  talked  of  in  polite  society;  it 
is  taken  for  granted. 

Never  ask  questions  about  persons  present,  nor 
discuss  them.  Do  not  dilate  to  one  woman  about 
the  charms  of  another,  and  to  speak  in  disparage- 
ment of  one  is  less  damaging  to  her  than  to 
yourself. 

Sometimes  slang  is  droll  and  picturesque,  but 
it  is  eschewed  in  society,  and  the  habit  makes  one 
feel  inexpressive  without  it.  Profanity  is  a  phase 
of  vulgarity  happily  obsolete.  A  well-modulated 
voice  is  said  to  testify  to  a  strain  of  good  blood  in 
the  speaker's  ancestry. 

Be  receptive,  giving  others  the  first  opportunity 
to  talk  of  what  interests  them.  Do  not  try  too  hard 
to  be  entertaining.  The  effort  sometimes  defeats 
its  object.  Accident  often  favors  one.  Put  con- 
viction into  your  talk.  You  cannot  warm  the 
interest  of  others  if  there  is  no  fire  in  your  own 
heart. 

The  simplest  terms  are  fashionable, —  a  reaction 
against  affectation.  A  man  who  owns  a  yacht 
speaks  of  his  "  boat,"  and  asks  people  to  go 
"sailing,"  never  "yachting."  Avoid  provincial- 
ism. Never  call  women  by  their  Christian  names 
in  mixed  assemblages,  nor  speak  of  a  married 

woman  but  as  "  Mrs. ." 

354 


MEN'S  DRESS  AND  DEPORTMENT 

If  a  bachelor  show  some  little  hospitality,  it 
advances  him  much  in  favor.  If  he  has  attractive 

rooms    or   anything   to  show,   he  may 

.    e  ir.  The  bache- 

give    an    inlormal    afternoon    tea   or   a. 
°  lor  as  host 

chafing-dish  supper.      Simplicity  is  in 
order.     A  bachelor's  entertainment  is  usually  re- 
garded   in   the  light  of  a   frolic,  and   his  efforts 
indulgently  considered. 

The  occasion  may  be  only  an  excuse,  but  a  new 
suite  of  rooms  may  furnish  the  pretext  for  a  house- 
warming  at  an  afternoon  tea,  and  many 

obligations  be  pleasantly  met.  An  after" 

a  J  >  noon  tea 

In  every  case  where  a  bachelor  is  the 
host  and  both  sexes  are  invited,  a  chaperon  is  a 
necessity,  —  preferably   a  married    kinswoman   of 
the  young  man. 

The  invitations  may  be  sent  a  week  in  advance 
for  the  "tea,"  and  if  the  name  of  the  chaperon  be 
deftly  introduced,  it  gives  assurance  that  the  host 
knows  and  respects  the  conventions.  One  room 
should  be  reserved  as  a  cloak  room  for  the  ladies. 
The  others  are  made  bright  with  a  few  flowers,  and 
the  tea-service,  with  dainty  sandwiches,  bonbons, 
cakes,  etc.,  is  placed  in  the  dining-room  or  in  the 
"  den  "  on  a  small  table,  at  which  the  chaperon  or 
a  young  relative  of  the  host  presides.  One  clever 
servant  may  wait  upon  the  door  and  the  tea- 
table,  for  such  a  gathering  is  usually  a  merry  one, 
and  all  are  willing  to  serve  themselves  and  each 
other. 

The  guests,  when  taking  leave  of  the  host  and 
355 


ETIQUETTE     FOR     ALL     OCCASIONS 

the  chaperon,  express  their  pleasure,  but  he  must 
thank  them  for  coming  and  show  his  gratification. 
Should  the  chaperon  be  of  his  own  family,  a 
higher  law  than  convention  tells  him  what  at- 
tention he  owes  her.  If  not,  he  should  see  her  to 
her  carriage  —  for  of  course  no  guests  remain 
when  she  leaves  — or  he  may  see  her  home,  and 
should  shortly  afterward  call  in  person  to  repeat 
his  thanks  for  her  kind  offices. 

A  bachelor  dinner,  luncheon,  or  supper  party  is 

conducted  in  the  same  manner  as  that  given  by  a 

Bachelor  hostess  in  her  own  house.     If  women 

dinners,     are  among  the  guests,  a  chaperon  must 

etc-       be  present,  to  whom  all  are  introduced 

and  who   is  treated  with  special  consideration  by 

the   host.     He    seats   her  at   his   right   at  table, 

unless  she  is  a  relative,  when  she  takes  the  foot 

of  the  table.     The  chaperon  gives  the  signal  to 

withdraw,  and  the  men  join  them  after  a  very  few 

moments. 

Any  social  affair  that  takes  place  in  a  studio  is 

sure  to  find  favor.     There  is  an  air   of  romance 

A  studio    aDOUt   an    artist's  workshop,    and    the 

entertain-  Bohemian  flavor  appeals  to  the  love  of 

ment      novelty. 

The  furnishings  are  generally  artistic,  the  rooms 
small  and  cosey,  which  makes  an  attractive  setting, 
and  the  atmosphere  is  sympathetic.  Music  that 
elsewhere  might  seem  commonplace  falls  upon 
appreciative  ears,  and  if  an  author  can  be  induced 
to  read  some  yet  unpublished  sketch  or  story, 
356 


MEN'S     DRESS     AND     DEPORTMENT 

his  audience  will  give  him  a  flattering  hearing  — 
if  he  read  it  well. 

These  subjects  come  properly  under  the  head 
of  Sports,  and  are  treated  of  in  the  chapter  de- 
voted  to    their    discussion.     Those   to 
whom   Fortune    has    not    been   so    in-  yachtmff 
dulgent  as  to  make  a  yacht  one  of  their  boating,  and 
possessions    may    content    themselves    bicycling 
with   more  simple  attentions    and    per- 
haps give  and  get  as  much  pleasure. 

In  summer  a  man  may  hire  or  borrow  a  boat,  if 
he  can  sail  one,  and  have  luncheon  or  afternoon 
tea  on  board.  Opportunities  come  to  those  who 
are  on  the  alert  for  them. 

A  bachelor  may  live  where  he  likes  — Nor  where 
he  can  —  without  loss  of  social  position,  if  he  be- 
long to  one  good  club,  which  he  may  perhaps 
use  only  for  the  address  on  his  cards  and  note- 
paper. 

Theatre  parties  are  the  favorite  entertainments 
of    bachelor    hosts    in   winter,  though   they    are 
undeniably  an  expensive  form  of  hospi- 
tality;   but  one  a  season,  given  to  spe- 
cial friends  or  to  those  to  whom  a  man 
is  under  obligations  may   not   put  too  severe  a 
strain   upon  his  resources.     They  have  been  de- 
scribed in  detail  elsewhere. 

A  man  may  send,  if  he  choose,  a  bouquet  to  his 
cotillion  partner,  a  box  of  cut  flowers  to  his  hostess, 
a  large  bunch  of  violets  upon  some  special  occa- 
sion, and  may  show  little  kind  attentions  and  evi- 
357 


ETIQUETTE     FOR     ALL     OCCASIONS 

dences  of  a  desire  to  please  her.     A  new  book  or 
piece  of  music,  a  present  of  game  if  he  is  a  sports- 
man, are  always  appreciated,  and  a  box 

Sm .        of  bonbons  for  his  hostess  when  visit- 
attentions 

ing    at   a   country   house    is   welcome. 

Extravagant  expenditure  does  not  inspire  confi- 
dence. Beyond  flowers,  bonbons,  a  book,  or  some 
such  trifle,  a  gentlewoman  accepts  no  gifts  from 
men. 

It  is  hard  to  be  a  business  man  all  day  and  a 
society  man  all  night. 

The  best  manner  of  judging   of  the  worth  of 
amusements  is  to  test  them  by  their  effect  upon 
the   nerves   and    spirits   the    next  day. 
Recreation  ought  to  be  what  the  word 
indicates,  —  something   that  refreshes,    and    gives 
cheerfulness  and  alacrity   to  our  return  to  duty. 
"  I  subtract  from  the  sum  of  pleasure,"  said  Mod- 
eration, "  to  increase  the  remainder." 

"  Meet  the  world  with  a  friendly  face  and  it  will 
smile  back  at  you,  but  do  not  ask  of  it  what  it 
has  not  to  give,  or  attribute  to  its  verdicts  more 
importance  than  they  deserve." 


358 


Chapter 
SATION 


conversation  bears  so  important  a 
part  in  social  intercourse  that  some 
attempt  toward  it  is  made  whenever 
we  meet  our  fellows,  it  is  strange 
that  we  are  not  all  more  proficient. 
It  has  been  suggested  that  we  have  reason  to  be 
grateful  that  we  have  a  few  conversational  formulae, 
to  be  used  under  certain  circumstances,  such  as 
"  How  do  you  do?  "  "  Good-bye,"  "  Thank  you," 
"  You  are  very  kind,"  "  I  should  be  delighted." 
Fancy  the  mental  strain,  if,  instead  of  these,  we 
had  to  invent  some  new  combination  of  words  to 
suit  each  occasion  ! 

The  charm  of  agreeable  conversation  is  appre- 
ciated by  all,  while  its  cultivation  is  within  the  reach 
of  each,  and  we  may  be  our  own  tutors.  Nothing 
so  quickly  opens  hospitable  doors,  and  in  its  influ- 
ence it  may  be  an  evangel. 

One  of  its  essentials  is  a  well-modulated  voice, 

which    always   seems   a    distinguishing  „ 

r       J    ,  6  Someofthe 

mark   of  gentlehood.     Much  has  been  essentiais 

said  about  our  high-pitched  voices,  but    of  good 
it  will  bear  reiteration,  since  it  is  in  our  conyersa~ 
power   to    change  them.     All  feel  the 
charm-   of  the  softly  musical  voices   of  English- 
359 


ETIQUETTE     FOR     ALL     OCCASIONS 

women.  They  are  like  some  sweet-toned  bell,  while 
a  few  among  us  recall  the  "  ear-piercing  fife."  A 
gentleman,  upon  escaping  from  the  infliction  of 
such  an  one,  quoted  to  his  friend,  — 

"  And  silence  like  a  poultice  comes 
To  heal  the  blows  of  sound  !  " 

We  should  aim  too  to  speak  our  language  in  its 
purity  —  "English  undefined "  —  and  with  clear, 
clean-cut  enunciation.  There  is  a  cosmopolitan 
language  spoken  among  educated  people  every- 
where, —  "  their  speech  bewrayeth  them."  By  it 
we  judge  their  culture,  their  refinement,  their  social 
position.  Provincialisms  and  slang  are  not  less  a 
revelation  of  the  absence  of  these  advantages.  The 
subject  suggests  Coleridge's  well-known  story  of 
the  stranger  at  a  dinner  who  passed  for  a  dignified 
and  worthy  personage  until  his  pleasure  at  the 
excellence  of  the  dumplings  caused  him  to  break 
the  silence  that  had  won  him  the  reputation  of 
wisdom  by  exclaiming,  "  Them  's  the  jockeys 
for  me !  "  No  matter  what  his  moral  character, 
whether  saint  or  hero,  his  mental  calibre,  his  rus- 
ticity of  breeding  stood  confessed.  In  cases  less 
extreme  the  influence  would  be  as  conclusive. 
None  should  be  able  to  tell  by  accent  or  intona- 
tion from  what  part  of  the  country  we  come. 

The  French  know  their  language  so  thoroughly 

that  they  use  it  with  the  precision  and  sensitiveness 

with  which  a  cultivated  musician  plays  upon  his 

instrument.      English    is     more     comprehensive, 

360 


CONVERSATION 


and  well  selected  it  can  fitly  express  any  mood 
and  meet  every  requirement,  but  few  of  us  know 
its  resources  and  have  them  at  command. 

Entertaining  conversation  is  not  alone  dependent 
upon  a  well-stored   mind,  a  ready  wit,  or  broad 
culture.      It    lays    under    contribution  charm  in 
qualities  of  heart  as  well  as  head,  and  conversa- 
should  reveal  sincerity,  sympathy,  and       tlon 
simplicity.     We  must  feel  an  interest  in  our  sub- 
ject before  we  can  inspire  it  in  others,  and  enthu- 
siasm is  contagious  when  it  is  sincere.     It  gives 
animation  to  the  face,  vivacity  to  the  manner,  and 
has  a  thought-compelling  power  that  aids  fluency 
of  expression.     This  and  the  gushing  exuberance 
that  speaks  only  in  superlatives  are  "  many  miles 
asunder." 

Sympathy  and  adaptability  are  created  in  a 
measure  by  the  desire  to  please;  but  one  must 
be  sensitive  to  the  mood  of  one's  audience,  and 
quick  to  perceive  when  some  one  else  wishes  to 
speak.  There  are  talkers  who,  metaphorically, 
take  the  bit  between  their  teeth  and  run  away 
with  the  subject.  When  they  finally  cease,  no  one 
has  anything  to  say,  despairing  of  opportunity. 
Unselfishness  lies  at  the  root  of  sympathy. 

Without  simplicity,  no  conversation  has  charm. 
The  moment  we  perceive  that  it  is  labored,  or  that 
the  speaker  seems  to  calculate  the  effect  of  his 
words,  if  unnecessary  mention  is  made  of  desirable 
acquaintances,  or  there  is  a  display  of  attainments 
or  mock-innocent  vaunting  of  advantages,  that 
361 


ETIQUETTE     FOR     ALL     OCCASIONS 

moment  do  we  see  through  the  "  pose,"  and  feel 
only  contempt  for  the  affectation  and  pretence. 
Truth  has  a  marvellous  power  of  making  itself 
felt  in  spite  of  what  is  said.  Self-consciousness 
is  but  egotism  under  a  less  severe  name,  and  self 
must  be  forgotten  before  we  can  add  to  our  speech 
the  grace  and  dignity  of  simplicity. 

The  subjects  of  interesting  conversation  are, 
of  course,  multiplied  by  increased  knowledge  of 

Subjects  books,  of  the  world  of  men  and  women, 

of  con-  music,  art,  and  travel.  One  should  be 
versation  famjijar  with  the  current  news  of  the 
day  and  the  topics  occupying  public  attention, 
with  the  names  and  authors  of  the  new  books, 
and  be  able  to  say  something  worth  hearing  about 
what  one  has  read  and  heard.  Many  get  no  farther 
in  speaking  of  a  book  than  that  it  is  dull  or  inter- 
esting. Others  give  in  few  words  what  seem  to  be 
its  central  ideas,  its  characteristics,  the  time  and 
scene  of  its  action,  quoting  perhaps  some  senti- 
ment that  has  impressed  or  witticism  that  has 
pleased. 

One's  conversation  may  become  the  centre 
around  which  one's  reading  and  information 
are  grouped.  The  habit  of  memorizing  with  a 
definite  aim  in  view,  and  the  consciousness  of 
having  something  to  say,  give  a  sense  of  power. 
Practice  arouses  and  strengthens  the  habit  of  ready 
selection  and  quick  and  apt  application. 

True  culture  carries  with  it  an  atmosphere  of 
breadth,  —  the    world    and    not   the    village.      A 
362 


CONVERSATION 


woman  lacking  it  was  said  to  betray  by  her  con- 
versation a  mind  of  narrow  compass,  —  "  bounded 
on  the  north  by  her  servants,  on  the  east  by  her 
children,  on  the  south  by  her  ailments,  and  on  the 
west  by  her  clothes"!  Some  one  has  said  that 
the  three  "d's"  are  not  discussed  in  polite  society, 
—  dress,  domestics,  and  diseases. 

The  mind  grows  shallow  when  perpetually  occu- 
pied with  trivialities.  A  course  of  solid  reading  is 
a  good  tonic.  When  ignorant  of  our  ignorance, 
we  do  not  know  when  we  betray  ourselves. 

It  is  better  to  be  frankly  dull  than  pedantic. 
Not  exhibition  but  service  is  imposed  by  superior 
talent  or  advantages. 

Some  persons  give  an  opinion  as  though  their 
verdict  were  absolute  and  final.  Dogmatism  has 
been  defined  as  "  puppyism  come  to  maturity." 
Others  hold  forth  with  oracular  vagueness,  but 
convey  few  ideas,  as  though  they  were  educated 
above  their  intelligence. 

One  must  guard  one's  self  from  the  temptation 
of  "  talking  shop,"  as  the  slang  of  the  day  ex- 
presses it,  and  of  riding  one's  "  hobby."  Our 
interest  is  apt  to  blind  us  to  the  lack  of  it  in 
others.  It  comes  under  the  reproach  of  "  bad 
taste,"  as  does  also  the  retailing  of  family  affairs. 
The  sanctity  of  home  life  should  be  guarded  by  us 
with  a  self-respecting  reticence. 

A  bore  has  been  described  as  "  one  who  talks 
about  himself  when  you  want  to  talk  about  your- 
self."    The  sarcasm  aside,  whatever  sets  one  apart 
363 


ETIQUETTE  FOR   ALL   OCCASIONS 

as  a  capital  "  I "  should  be  avoided.  Anecdotes 
that  are  supposed  to  be  of  interest  because  con- 
nected with  ourselves,  should  be  reserved  for  our 
intimates.  Our  troubles  annoy  those  whom  they 
do  not  sadden.  Let  us  only  pass  on  pleasant 
things.  A  joke  or  humorous  story  is  dependent 
upon  its  freshness  for  appreciation ;  some  emo- 
tions will  not  bear  "warming  over."  A  foreign 
phrase  for  which  there  is  no  exact  equivalent  in 
English  seems  occasionally  to  give  point,  finish, 
or  adornment  to  a  sentence,  but  one  must  be  wary 
of  assuming  that  it  is  untranslatable.  It  is  bad 
form  to  use  foreign  expressions  unless  they  be 
idiomatic  and  pronounced  with  correct  accent. 

It  is  now  a  well-substantiated  and  accepted  canon 
of  good  form  that  only  pleasant  things  are  to  be 
said  of  any  one.  An  ill-natured  criticism  is  a  social 
blunder  as  well  as  a  moral  one.  "Though  we 
speak  with  the  tongues  of  men  and  of  angels,  and 
have  not  charity,  it  profiteth  us  nothing"  —  in  good 
society. 

Gossip,    too,    is   really    going    out   of    fashion. 

Any  one  self-convicted  hastens  to  retract  whatever 

Gossip  and  maY  give  the  impression  that  one  has 

exaggera-  indulged    in    anything    so    vulgar    and 

tion       plebeian.     It  has  a  corrective   and   an 

inspiring  influence  to  imagine  the  persons  spoken 

of  to  be  within  hearing. 

Exaggeration  is  misstatement,  which  is  untruth- 
fulness.  It  often  does  as  much  harm  as  a  deliberate 
lie,  and  is  not  as  honest. 

364 


CONVERSATION 


True  wit  is  a  gift,  not  an  attainment.     Those 
who  use  it  aright  never  yield  to  the  temptation  of 
saying  anything  that  can  wound  another 
in  order  to  exhibit  their  own  cleverness. 
It  is  natural  and  spontaneous.     "  Those  who  run 
after  wit  are  apt  to  catch  nonsense."      Talk  that 
has  heartiness  in  it,  and  the  liveliness  and  sparkle 
that  come  of  light-heartedness  and  innocent  gay- 
ety,  is  a  fairly  good  substitute  for  wit. 

It  is  a  form  of  influence  to  pass  on  in  conversa- 
tion whatever  one  has  read  or  heard  that  may  be 
helpful  and  inspiring  to  others.  Many 

an  important  resolve  taken  in  the  course      a    *  at 
i  •  influences 

of  one  s  life  has  been  greatly  influenced 

by  what  one  has  heard  in  a  chance  conversation. 

We  may  do  much  in  the  cause  of  truth  and 
kindliness  without  advertising  our  motive  or 
sounding  a  trumpet  before  us.  With  an  art  that 
conceals  art,  we  may  lead  the  conversation  away 
from  scandal  and  innuendo  into  channels  pure 
and  peaceable.  "  Out  of  the  abundance  of  the 
heart  the  mouth  speaketh  "  —  therefore  the  source 
must  be  right.  Fearlessly  but  never  aggressively 
should  we  defend  our  convictions,  and  "  show  our 
colors."  Preaching  is  out  of  place.  Society  is 
not  a  school,  but  a  playground  where  people  meet 
to  exchange  ideas  and  forget  their  work  and  their 
worries.  Most  of  them  have  to  work  hard  in 
some  way  or  other,  and  need  relaxation. 

The  preliminary  stages  of  conversation  offer  the 
principal  difficulty,  — "  the  dread  of  silence  makes 
365 


ETIQUETTE     FOR      ALL      OCCASIONS 

us  mute."     The  weather  seems  to  have  perennial 
interest.      Why  may  not  one  treasure  a  few  bits 

The  early  °^  Dories    apropos  of  that   much-worn 

stages  of   topic,  to  be  brought  out  upon  occasion  ? 

conversa-  por  instance,  some  one  speaks  of  the 
variability  of  the  weather,  whereupon 
one  might  tell  of  the  lady  whose  physician  advised 
for  her  change  of  climate.  "  Why,  doctor,  you 
forget  that  I  am  a  New  York  woman,  I  never  have 
anything  but  changes  !  "  was  her  rejoinder.  At 
least  it  is  better  than  mere  acquiescence,  and 
when  people  have  laughed  together,  the  ice  is 
broken.  It  is  possible  to  have  at  one's  tongue's 
end  some  trifling  things  of  interest  on  various 
subjects,  but  the  supply  needs  frequent  renewal. 

There  are  moments  when  the  embarrassment  of 
silence  is  relieved  by  the  knowledge  that  noth- 
ing but  the  veriest  commonplaces  are  expected. 
When  a  hostess  has  paired  her  guests  before  a 
dinner,  and  each  man  seeks  the  woman  assigned 

Conversa-  to  hirn>  he  usually  says,  "  I  believe  that 

tion  at     I  am  to  have  the  pleasure  of  taking  you 

dinners     jn  to  dinner,"  and  she  has  but  to  bow 

and  smile  while  accepting  his  arm,  and  may  say 

in  a  voice  of  perfunctory  politeness,  "  I  am  very 

glad,"  or  if  she  wish  to   be  very  complimentary, 

may  venture,  "  I  am  fortunate." 

It  is  usually  the  man  who  takes  the  initiative  and 
the  woman  who  bears  the  burden  of  the  conversa- 
tion.    On  the  way  to  the  dining-room  they  may 
improve    the    occasion    or    not,    as   they    please. 
366 


CONVERSATION 


There  is  sometimes  an  awkward  pause  at  the  be- 
ginning of  the  meal,  before  the  company  seem  to 
have  adapted  themselves  to  their  surroundings 
and  to  each  other.  A  hostess  blessed  with  tact 
will  know  how  to  set  the  ball  rolling,  perhaps  with 
something  of  interest  treasured  for  the  occasion. 

Each  person  at  table  should  endeavor  to  make 
himself  or  herself  agreeable  to  both  neighbors,  as 
opportunity  serves.  General  conversation  is  only 
possible  where  there  are  few  present.  Talk  is 
usually  then  at  its  best  and  brightest.  One  with 
very  humble  powers,  in  the  colloquial  commerce 
of  thought,  and  when  kindled  by  sympathy  with 
the  subject  discussed,  surprises  himself  not  less 
than  others  by  unsuspected  eloquence.  Those 
who  have  the  reputation  of  being  good  talkers 
must  be  careful  not  to  overshadow  others,  if  they 
would  give  pleasure.  A  fluent  talker  is  apt  to  be 
over-eager  to  say  what  he  has  in  mind,  and  his 
conversation  often  becomes  a  monologue.  A  pro- 
fessional talker  is  a  professional  bore. 

At  table  one  should  not  engross  one's  neighbor 
by  conversation,  however  charming,  so  that  he  is 
unable  to  satisfy  his  appetite  and  in  some  measure 
to  appreciate  what  his  hostess  has  been  at  pains 
to  provide.  Courtesy  excludes  the  introduction 
of  all  subjects  calculated  to  excite  heated  argu- 
ment, unpleasant  discussion,  or  anything  that  may 
be  obnoxious  to  any  one  present. 

Upon  the  return  of  the  men  to  the  drawing- 
room  to  rejoin  the  ladies  there   is  sometimes  an 
367 


ETIQUETTE     FOR     ALL     OCCASIONS 

awkward  moment.  A  suggestive  opening  may  be 
to  carry  on  the  central  idea  of  the  talk  just  con- 
cluded in  the  dining-room.  A  man  may  say,  "  We 
have  been  having  a  most  interesting  discussion 
since  you  left  us,"  and  the  lady  may  ask,  "  What 
have  you  men  been  talking  about  that  called  forth 
such  spontaneous  laughter  ? "  It  is  unnecessary 
to  add  that  gentlemen  do  not  discuss  in  the  neigh- 
borhood of  ladies  matters  that  could  not  be 
repeated  in  their  hearing,  and  it  is  a  rule  that 
should  work  both  ways. 

The  famous   Madame  Recamier   said  that  she 

always   found  two   words    sufficed   to    make    her 

guests  feel  their  welcome.     Upon  their 

Compli-    arrival   she  exclaimed  "  At  last  ! "  and 
ment 

when  they  took  leave,  she  said  "Al- 
ready ? "  If  taken  literally,  we  should  deprecate 
the  flattery.  Flattery  is  insincere  praise,  and 
wrongs  "  him  that  gives  and  him  that  takes." 
It  is  sometimes  kinder  to  accept  a  compliment 
than  to  parry  it.  One  may  say  "  Thank  you,  it 
is  pleasant  to  be  seen  through  such  kind  (or 
partial  )  eyes,"  or,  perhaps,  "  It  is  a  comfort  to 
know  that  friendship  is  partly  blind  as  well  as  the 
mythological  boy,"  or  any  nonsense  that  serves  to 
show  that  one  appreciates  the  spirit  that  prompted 
the  kind  expressions,  however  wide  of  the  truth. 
The  frequent  repetition  of  the  name  of  the  person 
addressed  holds  a  subtle  compliment,  implying 
more  complete  concentration  of  the  speaker's 
thought  upon  his  or  her  personality. 
368 


CONVERSATION 


De  Quincey  says,  "  More  is  done  for  the 
benefit  of  conversation  by  the  simple  magic  of 
good  manners  than  by  all  varieties  of 

intellectual    power."     It    is    the    sym-       Good 

,  ,.  listeners 

pathetic    and    responsive  listeners  that 

call  forth  the  best  efforts  of  a  talker.  For  such 
are  reserved  his  choicest  stories,  his  finest 
thoughts.  A  kindling  of  the  face,  a  flash  of 
the  eye,  a  ready  smile,  act  as  inspiration,  and 
interest  shown  in  the  conversation  of  others 
stimulates  and  vivifies  their  thought. 

To  a  good  listener  the  diffident  will  say  what 
they  think  and  the  verbose  will  think  what  they 
say. 

There  is  nothing  more  trying  than  to  find  that 
one's  conversation  is  receiving  but  a  divided 
attention,  and  nothing  more  rude  than  for  a  per- 
son to  pick  up  a  book  or  paper  and  look  over 
it  while  pretending  to  listen  to  what  one  is  saying. 

In  our  whimsical  language,  accuracy  is  largely 
a  matter  of  custom.     We  instantly  assign  a   low 
place  to  those  who  are  guilty  of  gram-       Test 
matical  errors,    but  we  classify  one  as  words  and 
lacking  in  refined  training   who  would    phrases 
say  "  I    don't  know   as,"  "  a   long  ways,"  "  some- 
wheres."     It    is    the    evidence    that    the    speaker 
has  reached  a  certain    grade   of  cultivation,    and 
no  higher.     Society  has  its  test  words.     It  is  con- 
sidered provincial  to  say  "  depot "  for  "  station," 
"  bureau  "  for  "  dressing-table,"  "  store  "  for  "  shop." 
Fruits,  nuts,  etc.,  are  "  dessert ;  "  sweets  are  not 
24  369 


ETIQUETTE      FOR     ALL      OCCASIONS 

"dessert."  We  refer  to  our  sisters,  sweethearts, 
and  wives  without  the  prefix  of  "  Miss  "  or  "  Mrs." 
Lord  Roberts,  for  instance,  in  his  autobiogra- 
phy says,  "  I  met  my  fate  in  the  form  of  Nora 
Bews."  He  does  not  say  "  Miss  Nora,"  nor  does 
a  lady  in  England  ever  speak  of  her  husband  as 
"  Mr.  Smith,"  any  more  than  she  would  of  her 
daughter  as  "  Miss  Smith,"  to  her  friends  and 
equals.  She  says  "  my  husband,"  as,  of  course, 
she  says  "  my  daughter,"  or  calls  them  by  name, 
and  in  America  we  are  fast  following  her  example. 
A  man  is  plain  "  Smith"  to  his  men  friends,  and  so 
referred  to  by  them.  We  used  to  be  much  ridi- 
culed for  our  exaggeration  of  modesty  in  con- 
versation. An  Englishman  once  told  an  American 
girl  that  he  had  received  a  "  limb-acy  "  from  an 
old  aunt,  seeking  to  adapt  his  conversation  to  his 
hearer. 

The  Bible  word  "  sick  "  is  only  used  to  express 
nausea  in  England,  and  we  too  have  adopted  the 
word  "  ill "  in  its  stead.  One  would-be-elegant 
young  woman  in  the  country  asked  the  writer  if 
she  were  "  sea-ill  "  on  her  return  voyage  ! 

Phrases  that  are  considered  so  provincial  as  to 
grade  the  speaker  are,  "  Commend  me  to  your 

good  wife,"  "Our  home  is  at ""  We  have 

company,"  and  to  refer  to  one's  relatives  as  "  Cousin 
Mary,"  "  Uncle  John,"  to  strangers,  is  not  in 
good  taste  unless  with  the  preface  of  the  personal 
pronoun  followed  by  the  surname,  —  "  My  uncle, 
Mr.  Jones." 

37o 


CONVERSATION 


A  much  ridiculed  phrase  is  "  a  lady  friend  of 
mine,"  "  a  gentleman-friend."  It  is  to  be  assumed 
that  all  one's  friends  are  ladies  and  gentlemen. 
"  A  man  friend  of  mine,"  "  a  lady  whom  I  know," 
is  sufficiently  explicit.  Natural  courtesy  teaches 
us  when  to  say  "  woman,"  when  "  lady."  There 
are  those  who  may  have  every  instinct  of  gentility, 
but  if  their  position  in  life  is  not  such  as  is  rec- 
ognized by  the  world  they  are  not  accorded  the 
title  of  lady. 

In  the  Society  which  spells  itself  with  a  capital 
S,  there  is  a  fashion  in  pronunciation  —  conform- 
ity to  whose  shibboleths  marks  the  exact  rung  of 
the  social  ladder  to  which  one  belongs.  In  its 
conversation  the  form  is  often  better  than  the 
substance.  The  final  "  t"  in  "  valet"  is  sounded, 
"  patent  "  rhymes  with  "  latent,"  etc.  Fortunately 
the  tendency  is  toward  correctness  and  simplicity, 
and  small  inelegances  offend  ears  fastidious. 

Slang  vulgarizes  the  language,  no  matter  how 
piquant  and  pithy  it  may  seem.  The  use  of  it, 
begun  in  fun,  ends  in  a  habit.  Someone  g. 
has  said  that  "  slang  is  language  in  the 
making,"  and  it  is  true  that  what  is  linguistic 
heterodoxy  in  one  age  is  orthodoxy  in  the  next, 
but  one  may  leave  the  pioneer  work  to  others,  with 
advantage  to  our  own  speech.  Especially  do 
slang  phrases  seem  to  coarsen  the  conversation  of 
young  women.  Lowell  says  of  Chaucer  that  "  he 
found  his  native  tongue  a  dialect  and  left  it  a  lan- 
guage." The  process  may  be  reversed.  Already 
37' 


ETIQUETTE     FOR     ALL     OCCASIONS 

a  learned  professor  has  ascribed  the  deterioration 
of  the  English  language  (which  he  assumes  as 
proven)  to  the  fact  that  the  Bible  and  Shake- 
speare are  so  much  less  read  than  formerly. 

As  an  "  accomplishment "  the  art  of  conversa- 
tion has  many  advantages.      In  some  of 
Final  sug-  .,  .  ,  .,    .       ,  -111 

estions         various  phases  it  is  always  available, 

and  one  never  lacks  an  instrument. 

A  few  suggestions  may  serve  to  show  how  far 
simple  good  manners  are  a  guide  to  success  and 
charm  in  conversation,  and  those  who  charm  can 
influence. 

Offer  to  each  one  who  speaks  the  homage  of 
your  undivided  attention.  Look  people  in  the 
face  when  you  talk  to  them.  We  should  talk 
often  but  never  long,  giving  others  their  oppor- 
tunity. Conversation  should  be  like  a  game  of 
ball. 

Show  courteous  respect  for  another's  point  of 
view.  In  argument  give  fair  play.  Concede  to 
your  opponent  his  full  due,  allowing  him  to  fin- 
ish his  statement  without  fear  of  interruption. 
Unless  principle  is  involved,  it  is  better  to  leave 
him  apparently  master  of  the  field  than  prolong 
a  discussion  beyond  the  limits  of  good  taste.  You 
will  snatch  victory  from  defeat. 

The  best  substitute  for  wisdom  is  silence.  Never 
claim  to  know  things  of  which  you  are  ignorant. 
Some  one  will  see  through  the  sham.  Acknowl- 
edge your  ignorance  frankly  and  naturally. 

Have  convictions  of  your  own.  Be  yourself  and 
372 


CONVERSATION 


not  a  mere  echo.  No  one  else  can  contribute  your 
peculiar  personality  to  the  world,  and  God  made 
nothing  superfluous. 

If  you  are  so  unfortunate  as  to  be  easily  em- 
barrassed, get  used  to  the  sound  of  your  voice  and 
force  yourself  to  say  something.  Confidence  will 
be  the  reward  of  perseverance. 

A  platitude  at  the  right  time  is  worth  a  dozen 
repartees  the  next  morning. 

If  a  speaker  mentions  a  wrong  date  or  makes 
some  trifling  misstatement,  do  not  correct  him.  No 
one  cares  whether  the  affair  happened  on  Monday 
or  Tuesday. 

Never  ask  leading  or  personal  questions.  We 
should  show  curiosity  about  the  concerns  of  others 
only  so  far  as  it  may  gratify  them  to  tell  us. 

Do  not  feel  obliged  to  talk  incessantly.  Strive 
to  be  natural  and  at  ease.  The  nervousness  that 
seeks  to  conceal  itself  under  affected  or  exagger- 
ated vivacity  should  be  controlled,  as  should  "  the 
loud  laugh  that  speaks  a  vacant  mind." 

Be  ready  with  the  small  courtesies.  Always 
thank  children  and  servants. 

Talk  of  things,  not  people.  Of  a  charming 
woman  it  was  said,  "  There  are  no  names  in  her 
talk."  It  is  the  height  of  vulgarity  to  criticise 
elderly  people,  and  to  betray  that  your  estimate 
of  others  depends  upon  what  they  have  rather 
than  upon  what  they  are.  Show  yourself  an  artist 
in  conversation  when  speaking  of  people.  An  ar- 
tist selects  only  the  best  points  of  his  model  to 
373 


ETIQUETTE     FOR      ALL     OCCASIONS 

make  conspicuous,  and  hides  the  rest  with  clever 
drapery. 

Our  worst  regrets  are  for  the  things  one  has  said, 
not  for  those  we  have  left  unsaid. 

Draw  out  your  neighbor  without  catechising 
him.  Correct  him,  if  necessary,  without  contra- 
dicting him.  Avoid  mannerisms  and  provincial- 
isms. Among  the  latter  none  is  worse  than  the 
mistaken  politeness  of  saying,  "  Yes,  sir,"  "  No, 
ma'am,"  to  one's  equal. 

It  is  a  distinct  discourtesy  for  two  persons  to 
begin  or  continue  a  conversation  in  which  a  third 
person  who  has  joined  them  can  have  no  interest, 
unless,  by  a  few  words  of  explanation  or  apology, 
he  or  she  may  be  drawn  into  it  and  may  at  least 
listen  intelligently. 

Make  of  your  mind  a  treasury  from  which  to 
draw  bits  of  entertaining  information,  pithy  an- 
ecdote, good  stories  apropos,  timely  quotations  of 
strong  helpful  thoughts, — that  whatever  subject 
may  arise,  you  will  have  something  to  contribute. 

The  wish  to  praise,  to  say  pleasant  things,  is  an 
amiable  one,  and  adds  grace  to  conversation  where 
there  is  an  honest  chance  for  it  without  flattery. 

In  society  the  first  duty  of  man  and  woman  is  to 
be  agreeable.  Sir  Arthur  Helps  says,  "  When  wit 
is  kind  as  well  as  playful,  when  information  knows 
how  to  be  silent  as  well  as  how  to  speak,  when 
good  will  is  shown  to  the  absent  as  well  as  to  those 
who  are  present,  we  may  know  that  we  are  in  good 
society." 

374 


Chapter   Twentjy-fourtA—sociAL 

CORRESPONDENCE 

LETTER  tells  more  than  the  news 
it  contains  or  the  sentiment  it  ex- 
presses, —  it  is  a  revelation  of  the 
character  and  culture  of  the  writer, 
and  although  the  matter  depends 
upon  mental  and  moral  qualities,  the  manner  may 
be  acquired  by  any  one. 

Not  only  the  writing,  but  the  choice  of  note- 
paper,  is  an  index  of  taste,  and  often  betrays  even 

the  social  position  of  the  writer.     Plain 

Stationery 
white  or  cream  white  paper,  rough  or 

smooth  and  unlined,  is  always  in  good  taste. 
Bank  note-paper,  white  or  very  pale  blue  or  of  a 
delicate  shade  of  pearl-gray,  is  used  by  persons  fond 
of  novelty.  Thick  English  linen  paper,  enclosed 
in  a  square  or  "  court  sized "  envelope,  which 
allows  one  fold  of  the  paper,  or  an  oblong  enve- 
lope requiring  two  folds,  and  closed  with  sealing 
wax  that  bears  the  writer's  crest  or  monogram, 
always  remains  the  most  elegant  stationery  for  a 
ceremonious  note,  through  all  changes  of  fashion. 
In  these  days  of  hurried  living  few  care  to 
take  the  time  to  use  sealing  wax.  St.  Vitus  has 
been  suggested  as  the  patron  saint  for  American 
women !  When  wax  is  used,  there  should  be  no 
375 


ETIQUETTE     FOR     ALL     OCCASIONS 

mucilage  on  the  envelope.  An  embossed  or  col- 
ored address,  the  name  of  one's  country-house, 
or  a  miniature  monogram  enclosed  by  a  wreath 
or  scroll,  gives  a  pretty  finish  to  one's  note-paper. 
Both  monogram  and  address  are  sometimes  used. 
There  is  nothing  on  the  envelope.  Crests  are  not 
good  form  on  stationery  unless  used  by  persons 
of  rank.  In  England  men  only  use  them,  and  a 
woman  has  her  "  arms "  on  a  lozenge  without 
crest  or  motto,  the  idea  being  that  she  does  not 
belong  on  the  battlefield  of  life.  Her  husband  is 
the  warrior ;  hence  he  carries  all  warlike  emblems. 

Persons  in  deep  mourning  have  on  their  note- 
paper  a  border  of  black  about  three-eighths  of  an 
inch  wide.  Those  wearing  lighter  mourning  may 
have  a  border  half  this  width  or  a  mere  black  line 
with  the  monogram.  Widows  and  widowers  grad- 
uate the  borders  on  their  note  paper;  others  use 
the  same  width  throughout  the  period  of  mourning. 

Men  show  good  taste  in  using  only  plain  white 
paper  of  excellent  quality.  If  it  bear  arms,  crest, 
or  monogram,  it  is  preferably  embossed  in  white. 
Men  generally  find  it  convenient  to  write  their 
letters  at  their  clubs,  where  paper  is  provided, 
with  the  stamp  of  the  organization. 

A  gentlewoman  no  longer  uses  perfumed  note- 
paper.  A  very  faint  trace  of  violets  or  the  per- 
fume from  sachets  of  orris  root  are  the  only 
exceptions. 

A  postal  card  should  be  used  only  for  a  brief 
message  or  for  a  business  order,  never  as  a  substi- 
376 


SOCIAL     CORRESPONDENCE 

tute  for  a  letter.  Neither  salutation  nor  compli- 
mentary close  is  called  for  on  a  postal  card,  and 
initials  are  signed  when  they  will  be  understood. 

The    English     angular    style    and    that    using 
small  round  letters — each  of  which  is     HOW  to 
distinctly  legible  —  are  the  fashionable     write  a 
handwritings  of  the  day.  letter 

Black  ink  that  neither  tires  nor  taxes  the  eyes, 
and  broad-nibbed  pens  are  used  almost  exclusively. 

There  should  be  no  erasures,  no  abbreviations, 
and  no  numerals,  —  the  date  should  be  written  out 
in  full.  Be  it  said,  in  passing,  that  to  be  gram- 
matically correct,  one  should  say  "  the  fourteenth 
of  June"  or  "June  fourteen,"  not  "June  the  four- 
teenth," although  it  is  sanctioned  by  custom.  We 
say  "  Louis  the  Fourteenth "  meaning  that  thir- 
teen kings  named  Louis  have  preceded  him.  We 
do  not  mean  that  fourteen  Junes  have  already 
passed. 

If  one  cannot  write  evenly  and  straight,  a  sheet 
of  black  lines  may  be  slipped  beneath  the  page. 

Any  sign  of  haste  is  a  discourtesy.  •  One  does 
not  therefore  take  leave  of  one's  correspondent 
with  the  words,  "  In  haste,  yours." 

A  letter  is  written  presumably  that  it  may  be 
read,  and  a  neat,  clear,  legible  note,  properly 
punctuated,  without  flourishes  or  affectations,  pre- 
disposes one  in  favor  of  the  writer.  Let  its  out- 
ward form  commend  it.  The  words  should  be 
clearly  separated,  the  lines  straight,  a  three-quarter- 
inch  margin  left  at  the  beginning  of  each  line  and 
377 


ETIQUETTE     FOR      ALL      OCCASIONS 

the  writing  not  carried  quite  to  the  edge  of  the 
page.  One  begins  a  letter  about  two  inches  from 
the  top  of  the  sheet.  At  a  new  paragraph,  which 
should  introduce  each  new  subject,  a  margin  of 
an  inch  is  left.  Underlining  is  permissible  only 
in  very  informal  communications,  and  should  be 
used  sparingly  then.  A  crossed  letter  is  apt  to 
make  a  cross  reader,  and  one  written  in  pencil 
is  unpardonable.  The  writing  should  never  be 
crowded,  nor  parts  of  words  run  down  the  margin 
of  the  paper.  Paper  is  now  so  inexpensive  that  there 
is  no  excuse  for  the  half-sheets  that  used  to  be 
available  if  the  matter  overflowed  the  single  sheet. 
It  is  the  fashion  of  the  hour  to  write  a  note  across 
the  first  and  fourth  pages,  then  lengthwise  across 
the  second  and  third.  Its  excuse  is  that  one  may 
spread  open  the  sheet  and  write  two  pages  before 
turning  it.  Some  persons  prefer  in  a  short  note 
to  write  on  the  first  and  third  pages,  then  lengthwise 
on  the  second,  leaving  the  fourth  blank,  —  an  ad- 
vantage in  neatness  of  appearance  when  the  note 
is  folded. 

Letters,  however,  are  written  in  the  order  in 
which  the  pages  come,  and  should  have  the  ad- 
dress of  the  writer  and  the  date  at  the  top  of  the 
first  page.  The  date  of  the  year  is  written  in 
numerals.  In  a  note  these  would  follow  the  sig- 
nature, a  little  to  the  left  of  the  page.  In  a  short 
note  simply  the  day  of  the  week  need  be  men- 
tioned. If  the  address  be  stamped  upon  the 
paper,  it  is  not  repeated. 
378 


SOCIAL     CORRESPONDENCE 

For  some  inscrutable  reason,  "  My  dear "  is 

considered,  in  America,  more    ceremonious   than 

"  Dear ."     In  England  they  hold  the  contrary 

opinion.  It  has  a  friendly  sound,  in  beginning  a 
note,  to  waive  the  usual  form  and  plunge  into  the 
subject  at  once,  as,  "  I  am  more  pleased  than  I 
can  express,  dear  Mrs.  Blank,"  just  as  "  Jack,  my 
dear,"  sounds  more  intimate,  more  tender,  than 
"  My  dear  Jack." 

There  are  grammatical  quicksands,  and  one  who 
has  difficulty  in  spelling  should  have  a  dictionary 
at  hand.  Nothing  is  more  to  be  deplored  than 
bad  spelling.  A  type-written  letter  is  only  ad- 
missible for  business  communications.  Even  in 
such  machine-made  epistles  the  signature  should 
be  written  by  hand.  Letters  written  on  business 
paper  should  be  confined  to  the  commercial 
world. 

To  every  one  outside  of  the  family  circle,  the 
Christian  and  surname  should  be  signed  in  full. 
The  American  fashion  of  representing  the  middle 
name  by  an  initial  has  been  greatly  ridiculed. 
Either  both  initials  or  the  full  name  should  be 
used.  Good  taste  condemns  nicknames.  A  mar- 
ried woman  writes  her  name  Mary  Bruce  Talbot, 
and  in  a  business  letter  adds  beneath  it  in  brack- 
ets [Mrs.  John  Talbot],  for  the  information  of  her 
correspondent,  except  when  writing  to  a  servant. 
An  unmarried  woman  writes  "  Miss  "  in  brackets, 
before  her  full  name,  to  a  stranger  when  a  reply  is 
expected. 

379 


ETIQUETTE     FOR     ALL      OCCASIONS 

Only  a  person's  name  should  be  signed,  never 
his  title.  An  army  or  naval  officer  in  formal  or 
public  communications,  however,  adds  his  title 
below  his  signature.  Mismatched  paper  and  en- 
velopes betray  untidiness. 

In  addressing  the  envelope,  we  copy  the  English 
fashion  of  omitting  the  middle  initial,  and  write  the 
Address-  name  out  'n  ^ull-     ^  should  be  written 
ing  the     distinctly,  lest  we  lead  bewildered  post- 
envelope    men  jnto  perplexity  and  make  their  task 
the   harder.      "  John   Smith,   Esq. "    is   the  more 
courteous  form   of  addressing  a  gentleman   than 
"  Mr.  John   Smith,"  though  inside   the  letter  one 
says,  "Dear  Mr.  Smith.  "  "  Mrs.  Dr.  Brown  "  is  no 
less    incorrect   than  "  Mrs.    Shopkeeper  Jones  " ! 
A  woman   does  not  share  her  husband's  title. 

Because  one  calls  a  friend  by  a  pet  name,  it 
should  not  appear  on  the  superscription  of  an 
envelope.  "  Miss  Kittie  Blank  "  should  be  known 
to  the  postman  as  "  Miss  Katherine  Blank."  When 
the  word  "Jr."  is  used  to  distinguish  a  son  from 
his  father,  it  forms  part  of  the  name  and  is  used 
before  all  titles,  as  "  Sydney  Smith,  Jr.,  M.D." 

The  abbreviation  "  No."  before  figures  in  an 
address  is  no  longer  used,  the  word  "  street "  is 
written  in  full,  and  on  social  notes  one  does  not 
add  "  Town  "  or  "  City."  It  is  superfluous ;  neither 
is  it  necessary  to  add  the  name  of  country  or  State 
after  London,  Paris,  New  York,  Chicago,  Philadel- 
phia, etc.  The  sign  %  for  "  In  care  of,"  and  #, 
standing  for  the  word  "  number,"  are  obsolete,  as 
380 


SOCIAL     CORRESPONDENCE 

is  the  custom  of  writing  "  Addressed  "  or  "  Pres- 
ent" on  a  note  sent  by  hand. 

The  word  "  To "  preceding  the  name  is  used 
before  official  titles  or  names  to  which  one  would 
add  a  little  ceremony. 

To  insure  the  return  of  a  letter,  when  one  feels 
uncertain  of  the  address,  the  sender's  own  name 
and  address  should  be  written  on  the  reverse  side 
of  the  envelope,  prefaced  by,  "  If  not  found, 
please  return  to ." 

A  letter  sent  by  hand  should  be  left  unsealed 
unless  a  servant  be  the  messenger. 

The  most  difficult   form  of  epistle  is  the  one 
written  in  the  third  person.     Care  must  be  taken 
not  to  confuse  the  first  and  third  per-       N0tes 
sons,  nor  to  sign  one's  name  at  the  end.  written  in 
Between  persons  who  have  never  met   the  third 
or  are  but  slightly  acquainted,  as  well 
as  between  those  of  unequal  social  position,  notes 
are  written  in  the  third  person,  which  is  the  most 
formal  style. 

Letters  to  butcher,  baker,  and  candlestick-maker, 
conveying  orders  or  directions,  are  generally 
written  in  the  third  person,  —  "  Will  Mr.  Jones 
please  send,  etc."  closing  with  "  and  oblige,"  before 
the  signature,  or  "  Colonel  Carter  desires  Mr. 
Smith  to,"  etc. 

Business  letters  invariably  begin  with  "  Sir,"  or 
"  Dear  Sir,"  or,  if  addressing  more  than  one,  with 
"  Dear  Sirs,"  or  "  Gentlemen,"  and  end  with  "  Yours 

Truly,  or  "  Very    truly    yours."      "  Respectfully 
381 


ETIQUETTE     FOR     ALL     OCCASIONS 

yours "    is  not  appropriate    except  by  a  person 

addressing  a  superior,  never  between  social  equals. 

Ladies    are    addressed    as     "  Madam," 

Business   of  „  Dear   Ma(jam/'    whether   married 

or  unmarried.  Business  letters  should 
be  brief  and  specific.  They  should  have  the 
name  and  address  of  the  person  written  to 
below  the  writer's  signature,  at  the  left  of  the 
page,  or  the  name  without  the  address  at  the  be- 
ginning, before  the  "  Dear  Sir."  The  date  and 
year  should  not  be  omitted. 

Return  postage  should  be  enclosed  when  a  letter 
is  sent  for  one's  personal  benefit  and  an  answer  is 
expected.  In  sending  stamps,  they  should  not 
be  slipped  loosely  inside  the  letter,  lest  they  be 
dropped  or  overlooked,  or  so  carelessly  affixed  to 
the  paper  as  to  make  it  difficult  to  detach  them, 
but  preferably  placed  on  an  envelope  addressed  to 
one's  self.  This  should  insure  a  prompt  reply. 

A  lady  inquiring  of  another  an  address  or  the 
character  of  a  servant  need  not  enclose  a  stamp, 
unless  she  ask  that  the  answer  might  be  sent 
quickly,  when  she  would  enclose  an  envelope, 
stamped  and  addressed. 

Invitations  have  been  considered  in  a  previous 
chapter.  Letters  acknowledging  hospitality  should 
be  so  worded  as  to  give  assurance  of  grateful 
appreciation.  A  reply  to  a  joint  note  of  invitation 
from  several  members  of  a  household  should  con- 
tain an  allusion  to  each,  but  the  envelope  should  be 
addressed  to  the  senior  or  to  the  wife  or  mother. 
382 


SOCIAL    CORRESPONDENCE 

Joyousness  and  spontaneity  should  characterize 
a  note  of  congratulation.     There  must  be  nothing 
forced,  nothing  to  suggest  artificiality.    Notes  of 
Mindful  of  the  commandment  to  "  re-  congratu- 
joice  with  them  that  rejoice,  "  we  must       atlon 
summon  our  most  generous  impulses  and  let  them 
inspire  us. 

A  cheery  little  note  of  greeting  on  a  friend's 
birthday,  where  a  gift  would  not  be  expected, 
rarely  fails  to  give  pleasure.  "  Nothing  winneth 
so  much  at  so  little  cost." 

To  a  young  mother  a  few  words  of  sympathy 
in  her  new  joy  is  one  of  the  debts  that  friendship 
should  rejoice  to  pay.  A  newly  made  grand- 
mamma recently  received  the  following:  "  I  was 
always  sure  that  you  would  be  something  grand, 
and  now  you  are  a  grandmother  !  " 

Enthusiasm  finds  ready  expression,  but  no  gift 
should  ever  be  received  without  the  formal  cour- 
tesy of  an    acknowledgment.     No  one 
need   be  afraid  of  giving  a  superfluity     thanks 
of  thanks  unless  they  are  "  gushingly  " 
or  poorly  expressed.     If  possible,  a  note  of  thanks 
should  be  sent  immediately  upon   the  receipt  of 
a  gift,  —  it  loses  its    grace   by  being  deferred,  — 
and    it   is    the   lamest    of    excuses    for    delay  to 
say,  "  I  waited  because  I  wished  to  thank  you  in 
person." 

Many   persons   shrink   from   writing   letters    of 
condolence.     They  fear  to  be    intrusive   and   un- 
welcome, yet  any  one  who  knows  with  what  ap- 
383 


ETIQUETTE     FOR     ALL      OCCASIONS 

preciation   letters  of  real  sympathy  are  received 

by  those  in  sorrow  will  gladly  make  the  effort. 

Notes    of    condolence    should     be    as 

Notes  o  promp|.  as  tv^  compassionate  impulse, 
condolence  ^_  r 

They  need  not  be  long,  —  a  few  strong 

loving  words  are  more  welcome  than  pages  that 
fatigue  the  attention  and  make  the  tears  well  up 
afresh.  They  should  not,  above  all,  seem  perfunc- 
tory, but  sympathetic  and  sincere,  —  like  a  warm, 
clinging  hand-clasp.  "  Words  cannot  reach  your 
sorrow.  I  can  only  press  your  hand  in  silence," 
wrote  Longfellow  to  a  friend  in  trouble. 

The  commonplaces  of  consolation  often  increase 
the  pain  they  are  meant  to  soothe.  It  is  some- 
times 

"  The  butterfly  upon  the  road, 
Preaching  contentment  to  the  toad." 

Words  must  come  from  the  heart  to  find  their 
way  to  the  heart,  and  those  who  have  felt  the 
same  sorrow  know  best  what  to  say  and  leave 
unsaid.  Ruskin  once  wrote  to  a  friend,  "  I  feel 
too  much  sympathy  with  you  to  be  able  to  write 
of  it.  God  bless  you  !  " 

Dwell  not  on  the  loss  of  those  left  behind,  but 
on  the  gain  of  the  one  who  has  passed  into  the 
fuller  life.  Quote  all  the  kind  things  said  of  him, 
tell  of  any  grace  or  goodness  that  can  be  recalled. 
To  hear  the  dear  one  praised  gives  pleasure 
even  in  the  midst  of  pain.  Write  legibly.  Eyes 
blinded  by  tears  or  tired  from  weeping  are  easily 
taxed. 

384 


SOCIAL     CORRESPONDENCE 

If  a  note  be  too  difficult,  a  verse  from  a  great 
poem  is  easily  written, — 

"  And  death  seems  but  a  covered  way 

Which  opens  into  light, 
Wherein  no  blinded  child  can  stray 
Beyond  the  Father's  sight." 

Or  Longfellow's  lines,  — 

"  There  is  no  death,  — 
What  seems  so  is  transition,"  etc. 

The  unpardonable  thing  is  to  pass  over  a 
friend's  sorrow  in  silence,  as  though  so  absorbed 
in  selfish  interests  as  to  be  indifferent.  When 
friends  hold  aloof,  the  darkness  deepens. 

No  answers  to  notes  of  condolence    should  be 
expected.     At    a   convenient   time   the   recipient 
may  write,  or  merely  send  a  mourning  Replies  to 
card,  saying,  "  Your  sympathy   is  sin-   letters  of 
cerely  appreciated."  condolence 

A  letter   is   the   compensation   for   the  loss  of 
personal  intercourse.     Seneca  wrote,  "  I  thank  you 
for  your  frequent  letters.     By  this  you     what  a 
do  all  you  can  to  be  in  my  company ;  "      letter 
and  Pope   says,  "  I  cannot  feel   myself  should  be 
absent  when  I  feel  you  so  near  my  heart." 

A  letter  is  written  conversation,  and  should  be 
like  a  familiar  chat  with  a  friend  at  one's  elbow, 
—  simple,  cordial,  unaffected.  Those  which  we 
enjoy  most  have  a  flavor  of  personality,  —  charac- 
teristic letters,  recalling  the  charm  of  the  writer's 
presence.  "  Let  me  have  as  much  of  you  as  pos- 
sible," wrote  Irving,  "  that  I  may  feel  that  we  are 
25  385 


ETIQUETTE  FOR  ALL  OCCASIONS 

not  severed  in  spirit  by  distance."  Mendelssohn's 
letters  sometimes  opened  with  a  bar  of  music,  and 
Gustav  Dore  illuminated  his  with  sketches  on  the 
margin,  but  ordinary  mortals  may  have  the  gift 
of  self-expression,  and  out-of-the-heart  letters  are 
possible  to  all. 

The  words  that  love  coins  have  always  the 
ring  of  true  metal.  Nathaniel  Hawthorne  begins 
a  letter  to  his  wife,  "  Belovedest,"  and  tells  her 
that  he  has  re-re-re-perused  her  letter. 
Letters  be-  None  dare  offer  suggestions  for  love 
tween  men  letters.  Unless  the  heart  inspire  them, 
and  women  they  are  best  unwritten. 

A  man  should  invariably  answer  a  woman's  let- 
ter instantly.  But  a  woman  should  not  write  to  a 
man  if  she  can  avoid  it ;  but  when  need  arise,  it 
should  be  somewhat  formal.  A  gentleman  will 
never  keep  a  compromising  letter,  should  he  re- 
ceive one,  —  especially  from  a  woman.  He  cannot 
know  into  whose  hands  it  may  fall  in  case  of  death 
or  accident  to  himself. 

Beyond  the  interchange  of  brief  little  notes  for 
which  there  is  some  reason  and  with  the  approval 
of  the  parents,  a  correspondence  between  young 
men  and  women  should  be  discouraged  unless 
they  are  betrothed. 

How  to         Every  educated  person  is  expected  to 

write  a     know  how  to  write  a  graceful  note  and 

readable    a  readable  letter. 

We  sometimes  magnify  the  difficulty. 
Friendly    feeling,    sincerity,  and     simplicity    are 
386 


SOCIAL    CORRESPONDENCE 

among  the  essentials.  By  way  of  advice  I  would 
say,  Conjure  before  you  the  face  and  personality 
of  your  correspondent,  and  write  as  you  would 
speak  if  he  or  she  were  present. 

Longfellow's  advice  in  regard  to  a  difficult  or 
distasteful  task  was  "  Begin  it,"  and  the  disinclina- 
tion often  vanishes. 

Do  not  be  hampered  by  conventionality.  Listen 
to  your  own  thoughts  and  express  them,  even  if 
they  seem  crude.  "  I  write  in  order  to  hear  from 
you,  —  a  sprat  to  catch  a  salmon, "says  one;  and 
another  with  more  sentiment, "  My  thoughts  when 
left  alone  turn  readily  to  you,"  and  a  third,  "  And 
I  shall  see  you !  I  laugh  all  by  myself  when  I 
think  of  it,  out  of  sheer  gladness !  " 

Some  letters  seem  to  open  windows  and  let  in 
fresh  air  and  sunshine.  To  invalids  and  "  shut 
ins  "  letters  bring  glimpses  of  the  outside  world, 
if  the  writer  will. 

Do  not  take  up  more  room  with  an  apology  for 
not  having  written  before  than  can  be  helped. 
Excuses  are  often  as  illogical  as  that  of  the  boy 
who  wrote,  "  Dear  Sister,  I  don't  know  what  to 
say,  because  —  it  rains!"  Letters  are  like  debts, 
—  harder  to  pay  when  overdue. 

Speak  first  of  the  interests  of  your  correspond- 
ent and  afterward  of  those  which  concern  yourself. 

Read  over  your  friend's  letter  just  before  begin- 
ning your  reply  and  then  answer  it. 

If  we  are  discouraged,  sick,  or  sad,  let  us  not 
choose   that  moment   in  which   to  write  a  letter. 
387 


ETIQUETTE      FOR     ALL     OCCASIONS 

Some  one  has  said  that  a  rainy  day  puts  us  in 
the  mood  for  letter-writing.  Low-hanging  clouds 
make  the  world  seem  small. 

Never  write  anything  over  your  signature  of 
which  you  might  later  be  ashamed.  Our  letters 
are  often  longer-lived  than  ourselves,  and  may  event- 
ually be  read  by  eyes  not  yet  open  to  the  light. 

The  character  of  the  one  addressed  should  be 
considered,  and  the  contents  of  the  letter  adapted 
to  his  tastes  and  temperament. 

Letters  to  children  should  be  written  with  such 
care  and  made  so  interesting  that  they  will  serve  as 

_   ..       .    example  and  standard,  and    furnish  an 
Letters  to  r 

children    incentive  for  them  to  reply.     A  written 
and  old     rebuke  seems  doubly  hard.     Children, 
people     especially,  should  receive  only  pleasant 
matter  through  the  mails,  if  they  are  to  be  en- 
couraged to  write  themselves. 

A  degree  of  deference  should  always  appear  in 
letters  to  older  people. 

Mistakes  in  language  or  little  slips  in  the  use  of 
a  verb,  which  may  be  overlooked  in  speaking,  of- 
fend all  our  sensibilities  when  written.  Adjec- 
tives emphasize  only  when  used  sparingly. 

The  recipient  of  a  letter  is  by  courtesy  bound  to 

suspend  all  criticism,  —  he  must  not  even 
A  point  of     .  .   ,    .  .       e      .  .      , 

honor      *****  deprecatingly  of  a  letter  received. 

Many  hesitate  to  write,  fearing  criticism. 
Never  allow  any  one  to  read  a  letter  intended 
for    your   eyes   alone.      It   is   intrusted   to   your 
honor,  even  if  not  so  explicitly  stated. 
388 


SOCIAL    CORRESPONDENCE 

The  tendency  of  the  times  is  is  do  everything 
in  a  hurry.     Busy  persons  will  find  it  helpful  to 
keep  a  little  tablet  upon  which   to  jot 
down  topics  for  prospective  letters,  with       tions 
a  pencil  at  hand  ready  for  use  when  a 
thought  occurs  to  one.     Later,  the  little  page  of 
suggestions  often  makes  it  possible  to  write  an  en- 
tertaining letter,  using  little  time  and  effort.    When 
one's   fingers    are   busy,    thought  is  free  to  hold 
imaginary  conversations  with  absent  friends,  and 
one's  ideas  are  then  often  at  their  brightest. 

As  an  instance  of  ingenuity,  the  story  is  told 
of  a  little  coquette  who  had  responded  to  a  declara- 
tion of  love  only  by  sending  a  blank  sheet  of  pa- 
per. She  received  in  reply,  — 

"  I  thank  you  for  your  little  missive,  the  invisible  writing 
of  which  escaped  my  eyes  only  to  be  read  by  my  heart. 
Nothing  is  more  eloquent  than  silence,  which  is  always 
understood  to  give  consent,  and  yours  has  given  me 
'  carte  blanche '  to  love  you  !  " 

One  line  of  topics  must  be  avoided,  —  the  un- 
pleasant things  that  cannot  be  helped.  A  letter 
carries  with  it  an  atmosphere,  and  the  mood  of  the 
writer  is  contagious.  Write  kindly  of  every  one. 

If  a  note  is  received  written  upon  a  card,  a  reply 
may  be  sent  upon  a  card.  If  the  writer's  choicest 
note-paper  has  evidently  been  selected,  show  a  like 
discrimination. 

When  one  writes  a  message  on  the  face  of  a 
visiting  card,  it  should  be  signed  with  one's  name 
389 


ETIQUETTE     FOR     ALL     OCCASIONS 

or  initials,  and  a  line  drawn  through  the  engraved 
name  if,  as  is  usual,  it  has  a  prefix.  If  the  message 
is  written  on  the  back  only,  the  engraved  name  is 
left. 

Last  words  should  be  like  a  parting  kiss  or  a 
lingering  hand-clasp.  "  With  all  my  heart.  Yours  " 
says  a  good  deal.  John  Winthrop,  far 
e.ave"  from  wife  and  home,  signed  himself  to 
her  "  Thine,  Wheresoever."  The  French 
have  a  laborious,  if  courtly  way  of  taking  leave  in 
formal  correspondence,  "Accept,  Sir,  the  expres- 
sion of  my  most  distinguished  consideration,"  but 
a  favorite  ending  among  friends  is,  "  I  kiss  you  as 
tenderly  as  I  love  you." 

When  addressing  persons  of  rank,  we  are  nat- 
urally anxious  to  know  and  follow  the  conventions. 
Addressing  ^  ^etter  to  ^e  President  of  the  United 

persons    States   should    begin    with   "  Sir,"    and 

of  title  conclude,  "  I  have  the  honor  to  be,  Sir, 
your  most  obedient  servant."  The  address  on  the 
envelope  should  be  "  The  President,  Executive 
Mansion,  Washington,  D.  C."  The  Vice-President 
would  be  addressed  after  the  same  manner;  the 
superscription,  "  The  Vice-President,  Hon.  Theo- 
dore Roosevelt." 

If  one  have  occasion  to  address  King  Edward, 
VII.,  begin  "  Sir,"  and  conclude,  "  I  have  the  honor 
to  be,  Sir,  Your  Majesty's  most  obedient  servant." 
Let  persons  of  republican  scruples  reflect  that 
the  phraseology  is  but  a  form,  demanded  by  cour- 
teous custom  for  the  office,  not  the  man.  Address 
39° 


SOCIAL     CORRESPONDENCE 

"  His  Majesty,  the  King,  London."  To  add  "  Eng- 
land "  is  superfluous,  regarded  as  a  provincialism 
by  the  English  themselves. 

In  writing  to  the  Pope,  begin  "  Your  Holiness," 
and  conclude  as  with  the  others.  Address  "  His 

Holiness,  Pope  ,  Rome."  The  members  of 

the  Cabinet  are  addressed  by  their  titles,  with  that 
of  Honorable  added,  "  To  the  Honorable  the 
Secretary  of  State."  The  name  would  be  super- 
fluous. An  invitation  would  read,  "  To  the  Sec- 
retary of  State  and  Mrs.  Hay." 

To  a  Duke  one  writes  "  My  Lord  Duke,"  and 
signs  one's  self  with  the  usual  preamble,  "  Your 
Grace's  most  obedient  servant.  "  Address  "  His 
Grace  the  Duke  of " 

"  Sir  "  and  "  Madam  "  are  the  most  respectful 
forms  of  address,  and  may  be  applied  to  any  one, 
but  a  Baron  is  usually  addressed  as  "  My  Lord," 
and  the  envelope  directed  to  "  The  Right  Honor- 
able the  Lord ."  Abbreviations  may  be  used 

on  the  envelope,  never  inside  a  letter. 

To  a  Cardinal  of  the  Roman  Catholic  Church 
begin  "  Your  Eminence."  Address  "  To  His 
Eminence  (Christian  name)  Cardinal  (surname)." 

To  an  Archbishop  in  England  begin  "  My 
Lord  Archbishop,"  and  conclude,  "I  have  the 
honor  to  be,  with  the  highest  respect,  Your 
Grace's  most  humble  servant."  Address  "The 
most  Reverend  His  Grace  the  Lord  Arch- 
bishop of .  "  In  the  United  States  begin 

"  The  most  Reverend ,  Sir."  To  a  Bishop  in 


ETIQUETTE     FOR     ALL     OCCASIONS 

England  begin  "  My  Lord  Bishop."  Address 
"  The  Right  Reverend  the  Lord  Bishop  of ." 

To  a  Bishop  in  the  United  States  begin  "  Most 
Reverend  Sir."  Address  "  The  Right  Reverend 
(Christian  and  surname),  D.D.,"  or  "  The  Right 
Reverend  Bishop  of ." 

To  a  Dean  begin  "  Reverend  Sir."  Address 
"  The  Very  Reverend  the  Dean  of ." 

To  an  Archdeacon,  "  Reverend  Sir."  Address 
"  The  Venerable  the  Archdeacon  (surname)." 

To  a  clergyman  begin  "  Reverend  Sir,  "  or  "  Sir." 
Address  "  The  Reverend  ( Christian  and  sur- 
name)." If  a  Doctor  of  Divinity,  insert  "  Dr." 
after  "  Reverend  "  or  add  "  D.D.  "  after  the  name. 
For  a  professor  the  abbreviated  form  is  used  in 
the  superscription,  "  Prof.  W W ." 

Address  a  doctor  as  "  Dr. "  or  " ,  M.D." 

A  lawyer  should   be   addressed  as   " ,  Esq." 

A  Senator,  Congressman,  Mayor,  or  Judge  is  ad- 
dressed as  "  Honorable  (Christian  and  surname)." 
Begin  "  Sir,"  or  "  Dear  Sir ;  "  conclude  "  I  have  the 
honor  to  be,"  etc.  To  a  Governor  begin  "  Sir," 
and  conclude,  "  I  have  the  honor  to  be,  Sir,  your 
Excellency's,"  etc.  Address  "His  Excellency, 

the  Governor   of  ."     The    Vice-President    is 

addressed  "Mr.  Vice-President,  Sir,"  within  the 
letter.  An  ambassador  would  be  addressed  in  a 
similar  manner,  or  "My  Lord,"  with  the  same  con- 
clusion, if  an  Englishman.  Superscription  "  His 
Excellency  (name  and  titles)  the  British  Am- 
bassador," with  address. 

392 


SOCIAL      CORRESPONDENCE 

In  conclusion,  it  may  be  said  that  circumstances 
and  surroundings  have  little  to  do  with  making  or 
marring  the  interest  of  a  letter.  Charles  Kingsley 
wrote  to  a  friend :  — 

"Around  me  are  the  everlasting  hills  and  the  everlast- 
ing bores  of  the  country.  I  am  wasting  my  sweetness  on 
the  desert  air.  Peter,  Peter,  come  down  and  see  me ! 

"  BOANERGES-RAIL-AT-THE-CLOUDS." 


393 


Chapter    Twenty -f if t  h— TABLE 
MANNERS 

|HE  line  of  social  demarcation  begins 
at  the  table.  We  eat  only  with  our 
equals.  It  was  an  "  abomination  "  to 
the  Egyptians  to  sit  at  table  with 
the  alien  people  of  Israel,  and  the 
Jews,  but  for  physical  inability,  would  have  turned 
up  their  noses  at  having  to  dine  with  a  Samaritan. 
It  is  within  the  memory  of  some  of  us  when  no 
white  servant  would  eat  with  a  colored  butler,  who 
dined  in  solitary  state  in  his  own  pantry ;  and  caste 
prejudice  inheres  quite  as  strongly  in  more  en- 
lightened circles. 

Gentlefolk  of  all  nationalities  observe  very  nearly 
the  same  table  customs,  but  those  who  lack  breed- 
ing "  feed  themselves  "  after  the  manner  that  ob- 
tains in  their  own  class  and  country.  The  Italians 
hold  the  fork  severely  upright,  and  saw  with  the 
knife ;  the  Germans  have  a  partiality  for  very 
large  mouthfuls,  conveyed  by  preference  on  the 
knife,  and  French  people  are  fond  of  sopping  up 
gravy  with  bits  of  bread  and  frankly  sucking  their 
fingers  afterwards,  mindful  of  the  proverb  about 
their  precedence  to  forks,  while  their  abuse  of  the 
finger-bowl  for  mouth-rinsing  should  be  tolerated 
only  in  the  privacy  of  one's  bedroom. 
394 


TABLE      MANNERS 


The  English  are  the  least  open  to  reproach, 
perhaps,  and  their  higher  classes  give  to  the  world 
laws  for  the  proper  behavior  at  table  which  we 
recognize  as  binding. 

Well-bred  persons  are  probably  unconscious  of 
conforming  to  any  special  standard,  but  they  are 
as  quick  to  detect  a  lapse  as  the  trained  ear  of  a 
musician  to  note  a  discord,  and  are  not  more 
charitably  disposed  towards  the  offender. 

It  is  at  the  home  table  that  reform  should 
begin.  There  must  be  rehearsal  if  we  would 
play  our  parts  acceptably  on  the  world's  stage.  A 
boor  behind  the  scenes  never  appears  a  really  fine 
gentleman  before  the  footlights. 

At  a  dinner  to  which  guests  are  bidden  the  men 
help  to  seat   the   ladies,  before  taking  their  own 
places.     One  should  sit  so  as  to  bring    Dinner- 
the  body  about   half  a  foot  from   the       table 
table,  and   say  a   few   words  to    either    etiquette 
neighbor,  whether  one  has  been  presented  or  not. 
The  name-card  is  useful  as  a  semi-introduction  if 
one  can  manage  to  see  it. 

The  napkin  is  unfolded  to  half  its  amplitude  and 
laid  across  the  lap.  The  women  remove  their 
gloves.  It  is  extremely  bad  form  to  place  them  in  a 
wineglass,  as  some  have  done,  and  to  tuck  them  in 
at  the  wrist,  leaving  the  arms  covered,  is  not  in 
the  best  taste. 

The    oysters  come  first,  and    are  eaten  whole, 
with  the  appropriate  fork.     People  sometimes  try 
to  eat  only  the  soft  part,  with  disastrous  results. 
395 


ETIQUETTE     FOR     ALL      OCCASIONS 

If  one  does  not  take  wine,  a  gesture  of  dissent 
is  sufficient  to  express  the  preference,  and  one 
should  be  on  the  alert  to  prevent  its  being  poured 
if,  later  on,  the  servants  are  forgetful.  Out  of 
consideration  for  one's  host,  one  would  not  waste 
what  is  supposed  to  be  choice  and  costly.  It  is 
growing  to  be  "  unfashionable "  to  serve  many 
wines,  and  in  better  taste  for  ladies  to  confine 
themselves  to  a  single  glass  or  refuse  them  alto- 
gether. Soup  is  taken  noiselessly  from  the  side 
of  the  spoon,  —  moustaches  have  a  special  dis- 
pensation. No  one  takes  soup  twice,  or  tips  the 
plate  to  secure  the  last  spoonful.  "  Taking  soup 
gracefully  was  raised  into  an  art  by  a  French- 
man about  fifty  years  ago, "  writes  De  Quincey, 
"  who  lectured  upon  it  to  ladies  in  London,  and 
the  most  brilliant  duchesses  of  that  day  were 
amongst  his  best  pupils  !  " 

No  one  uses  a  knife  in  eating  fish,  unless  silver 
ones,  made  for  the  purpose,  are  provided.  A  bit 
of  bread,  broken  but  never  cut,  is  usually  suf- 
ficient as  an  auxiliary  to  the  fork. 

Entries  are  eaten  with  a  fork  alone.  Each 
vegetable  imposes  a  special  punctilio.  Asparagus 
may  be  held  between  the  fingers  and  dipped  in 
the  sauce  and  bitten  off,  if  the  stalks  are  not  too 
slender  and  pliant,  or  it  may  be  divided  and  eaten 
with  a  fork.  Artichokes  may  also  be  eaten  in  the 
fingers,  plucking  off  the  leaves  one  by  one.  Peas 
are  always  eaten  with  a  fork.  In  England  one 
who  would  eat  them  with  a  spoon  would  be  re- 
396 


TABLE     MANNERS 


garded  as  a  barbarian.  If  corn  be  eaten  from  the 
cob,  it  should  be  broken  so  as  to  be  small  enough 
to  be  held  conveniently  in  one  hand. 

If  Roman  punch  is  served,  it  comes  just  before 
the  game,  and  is  supposed  to  be  a  preparation  of 
the  palate  for  the  appreciation  of  new  delicacies. 
At  hotel  tables  I  have  seen  persons  make  it  an  ac- 
companiment to  the  whole  meal,  —  a  combination 
of  wine  and  iced  water,  and  substitute  for  both,  to 
their  minds.  Needless  to  say  that  such  persons 
are  a  law  unto  themselves,  but  they  cannot  pre- 
vent others  classifying  them  as  vulgarians,  igno- 
rant of  the  usages  of  polite  society. 

With  the  game  comes  the  salad,  which,  if  com- 
posed of  lettuce,  should  never  be  cut  with  a  knife ; 
but  the  leaves  may  be  folded  with  the  fork,  with  the 
aid  of  a  bit  of  bread,  and  so  conveyed  to  the  mouth. 

Ices  may  be  eaten  with  a  fork  or  spoon,  as  one 
may  prefer,  never  with  both.  Fruit  must  never 
be  bitten,  but  cut  in  small  pieces  and  eaten  either 
in  the  hand  or  with  a  fork. 

One  dips  the  ends  of  the  fingers  only  in  the 
finger-bowl. 

At  a  signal  from  the  hostess,  the  ladies  rise, 
placing  their  napkins,  still  unfolded,  at  the 'side  of 
their  plates  or  letting  them  fall  from  their  laps 
to  the  floor.  The  men  rise,  too,  and  remain  stand- 
ing while  the  women  pass  from  the  room,  the  man 
nearest  the  door  holding  it  open  for  them.  A 
prettier  custom  is  for  the  men  to  follow  the  ladies 
to  the  drawing-room,  the  host  going  first.  After 
397 


ETIQUETTE     FOR      ALL      OCCASIONS 

finding  seats  for  them,  they  bow  and  retire,  to  en- 
joy their  coffee,  cigars,  and  liqueurs  in  each  other's 
company . 

Upon  leaving  the  table  it  is  customary  to  set 
one's  chair  either  closer  to  the  table  or  at  a  dis- 
tance from  it,  to  enable  others  to  pass  without 
inconvenience. 

If  the  hostess  has  taken  the  trouble  to  provide 
her  guests  with  any  trifling  souvenir,  pretty  menu, 
or  name-card,  they  should  not  appear  to  slight 
the  attention  by  forgetting  to  take  it  as  they  leave 
the  table.  Many  are  thoughtless  in  this  matter, 
and  the  hostess  naturally  feels  the  discourtesy. 

We  may  claim  in  America  to  be  fairly  exempt 
from  glaring  sins  against  table  etiquette,  but  we 

need  only  to  travel  to  see  that  for  our 
Minor 
points  of  compatriots  there  are  many  minor  points 

table      deserving  their  recognition,  and  that  the 

etiquette  subject  js  by  no  means  beneath  serious 
consideration.  At  public  tables  breeding  reveals 
itself. 

No  one  requires  to  be  told  not  to  talk  while 
masticating,  but  it  is  equally  inelegant  to  chew 
while  serving  one's  self  or  others. 

If  addressed  unexpectedly,  one  may  not  be  em- 
barrassed to  reply  if  the  quantity  taken  into  the 
mouth  be  not  over-large. 

One  does  not  press  a  guest  to  eat  more  —  it 
were  best  not  to  observe  it  —  nor  assure  him  that 
there  is  an  abundant  supply.  It  were  invidious  for 
him  to  doubt  it. 

398 


TABLE     MANNERS 


Where  considerations  of  health  do  not  forbid, 
it  is  polite  to  take  a  little  of  everything. 

Drawing  upon  the  table-cloth,  toying  absent- 
mindedly  with  the  table  furniture,  and  crumbling 
one's  bread  are  forms  of  nervousness  and  ill- 
breeding  that  should  be  controlled. 

The  habit  of  resting  the  arm  on  the  table  and 
bending  the  head  to  drink  from  cup  or  glass, 
of  lifting  a  small  plate  from  the  table  while  eating 
from  it,  and  of  holding  the  fork  in  the  left  hand 
while  loading  it  with  food  with  the  knife,  are  awk- 
ward and  provincial.  One  uses  a  fork  always  with 
the  right  hand  except  when  that  member  holds 
the  knife  to  cut  the  food.  The  hold  of  the  knife 
should  be  relaxed  entirely,  as  one  raises  the  fork 
to  one's  mouth,  but  it  remains  under  the  hand, 
to  be  readily  resumed. 

Only  sufficient  food  should  be  placed  upon  fork 
or  spoon  to  be  taken  with  ease  into  the  mouth, 
which  should  receive  not  more  than  half  the  bowl 
of  a  spoon  or  tines  of  a  fork. 

A  carver  must  not  appear  to  remember  himself 
in  the  distribution.  One  who  selfishly  appropri- 
ates the  choice  bits  deserves  the  contempt  of 
those  who  remark  the  action,  as  does  any  one 
who  helps  himself  over-bountifully  to  some  dainty. 
No  form  of  selfishness  is  so  repulsive  as  that  ex- 
hibited at  table.  Preferences  for  special  dishes 
should  not  be  made  prominent. 

Where  children  are  habitually  given  what  is 
least  desirable,  they  come  to  attach  an  exagger- 
399 


ETIQUETTE      FOR     ALL     OCCASIONS 

ated  value  to  the  tidbits,  and  are  apt  to  show  it 
in  later  life.  One  famous  gourmet  had  a  "  supreme 
de  volaille  "  prepared  for  himself,  composed  entirely 
of  the  "  spoon-pieces  "  or  "  oysters  "  of  chickens. 
He  gave,  as  his  reason,  that  his  father  always  ate 
that  portion  himself,  and  that  as  a  child  he  had 
longed  to  taste  it. 

There  are  some  small  inelegances  that  some- 
times escape  general  observation. 

One  should  never  lean  back  in  one's  chair  ex- 
cept between  the  courses,  until  one  has  finished. 
The  knife  and  fork  placed  side  by  side  is  the 
signal  to  the  servant  that  he  may  remove  one's 
plate. 

If  the  meats  are  carved  upon  the  table,  the  head 
of  the  house  in  a  purely  judicial  spirit  gives  to 
each  what  he  or  she  likes.  Favoritism  in  serving 
is  to  be  deprecated.  The  visiting  guest,  an  old 
person,  and  "  Mother  "  are  the  only  ones  entitled 
to  special  courtesies  of  the  kind. 

It  is  never  proper  to  hold  the  fork  with  the  tines 
turned  upward  in  the  left  hand.  It  is  exclusively 
the  privilege  of  the  right. 

It  is  indisputably  the  right  of  a  "  free-born 
American  "  to  eat  his  boiled  eggs  from  a  glass,  if 
he  is  so  disposed,  but  he  cannot  control  the  criti- 
cism that  shall  pronounce  the  action  provincial, 
and  stigmatize  it  as  "  messy  "  anywhere  out  of  his 
own  country. 

In  the  time  of  the  fourth  George  of   England 
ladies  from  the  rural  districts  sipped  their  tea  from 
400 


TABLE    MANNERS 


the  saucer,  and  were  laughed  at  in  London.  That 
is  obsolete,  but  it  is  also  awkward  to  drink  from 
a  cup  while  the  spoon  is  in  it.  The  spoon  should 
be  left  in  the  saucer,  except  when  it  is  in  use. 
One  may  use  it  to  sip  the  tea  or  coffee,  holding 
one's  head  well  over  the  cup.  In  drinking  from 
the  cup,  it  should  be  held  directly  over  the  saucer. 

Leaning  the  elbows  on  the  table  is  a  form  of 
laziness  undeservedly  popular.  Lounging,  sitting 
back  from  the  table,  or  attitudes  that  suggest  free- 
dom of  manner  are  unbecoming  to  the  social 
event  of  the  day. 

An  unselfish  consideration  for  others  should 
dictate  our  requests  for  service  and  attention. 

No  hostess  apologizes,  no  guest  observes  any- 
thing amiss.  If  an  accident  occur,  all  ignore  it. 
If  a  guest  is  the  offender,  a  few  words  of  apology 
suffice.  To  prolong  the  subject  is  embarrassing 
to  all. 

No  guest  passes  a  plate  or  offers  to  serve  any- 
thing unless  obviously  desired  to  do  so. 

A  servant  should  never  reach  across  a  person 
in  placing  or  removing  anything,  and  to  clatter 
the  dishes  or  to  drop  things  reveals  untrained 
service. 

When  refusing  anything  offered  by  a  servant, 
one  merely  says,  "  Thank  you,"  and  turns  away. 
"  No "  is  superfluous,  and,  unaccompanied  with 
thanks,  is  brusque. 

Punctuality  at  meals  should  be  considered  as  a 
courteous  obligation.  At  table  all  should  try  to 
26  401 


ETIQUETTE      FOR      ALL      OCCASIONS 

make  themselves  agreeable,  excluding  all  subjects 
likely  to  produce  discord.  Good  stories,  pleasant 
news,  bits  of  entertaining  information  briefly 
told,  should  be  treasured  for  such  occasions. 
The  table  is  the  place  to  share  them. 

There  is  one  supreme  rule  of  table  etiquette. 
It  is  that  to  the  lapses  of  others  we  shall  be  a 
little  blind,  and  concentrate  all  our  attention  upon 
our  own  improvement. 


402 


Chapter  Twenty-sixth— MANNERS 

IN  PUBLIC— UNCLASSIFIED  OCCASIONS 

LTHOUGH  the  conduct  which 
courtesy  imposes  at  theatre,  opera, 
and  in  the  drawing-room  has  been 
discussed,  there  are  a  few  general 
suggestions  that  may  yet  have  es- 
caped classification  which  are  not  unimportant. 

Probably  the  worst  manners  possible  are  those 
of  persons  anxious  to  draw  attention  to  themselves. 
Gentlefolk  conduct  themselves  so  as  to  escape 
observation.  They  converse  in  quiet  well-bred 
tones,  they  do  not  push  themselves  forward  ;  nor 
obstruct  the  way  of  those  passing  out  at  church 
door,  theatre,  or  elsewhere.  Chatting  with  a  friend, 
or  pursuing  personal  inquiries,  they  do  not  occupy 
the  middle  of  the  sidewalk,  nor  bar  the  way  over- 
long  with  their  carriages. 

They  do  not  talk  during  a  musical  performance, 
whisper,  rattle  their  programmes,  or  disturb  those 
about  them.  They  conform  to  the  customs  of  the 
place  when  travelling.  Once  dressed,  they  are  no 
longer  conscious  of  their  clothes. 

The  sacrifice  made  by  a  gentleman  in  giving  up 
his   seat  to  a   woman  in    a   public  conveyance  is 
imposed  by   a   spirit   that   does  him   honor,  and 
403 


ETIQUETTE     FOR     ALL     OCCASIONS 

deserves  her  most  gracious  recognition,  but  she 
should  never  imply,  by  look  or  manner,  that  she 
expected  the  attention  before  it  was  offered. 

In  church,  those  gently  bred  conform  to  the 
manners  of  those  about  them,  kneeling  and  stand- 
ing as  the  etiquette  of  the  service  demands.  They 
arrive  in  time,  they  do  not  talk,  they  follow  the 
service  of  prayer  or  praise,  but  do  not  sing  and 
pray  louder  than  the  clergy  or  the  choir.  Their 
manner  is  reserved  and  respectful.  Those  who 
have  pews  show  hospitality  to  strangers. 

We  do  not  bow  in  church,  but  may  smile  our 
recognition  when  catching  the  eye  of  a  friend. 

In  the  country,  where  men  and  maidens  don 
clothing  of  an  unconventional  length  and  loose- 
ness, the  laxity  is  apt  to  slip  from  dress  to  man- 
ners. Men  rarely  admire  those  women  who  have 
permitted  familiarity,  and  girls  appreciate  the 
courteous  restraint  imposed  by  a  regard  for  their 
presence. 

/"^Nothing  gives  such  upright  dignity  of  mien   as 

i  the  consciousness  that  we  are  what  we  pretend  to 

be,  and  true  gentlehood  overflows  in  manner  and 

makes    the    voice    winning  and    the    movement 

graceful. 


404 


Chapter   Twenty -seventh— STORT- 
ING   ETIQUETTE 

N  our  day  and  generation  some- 
thing of  old-time  chivalry  is  sug- 
gested by  the  words  "  Sportsman's 
Etiquette."  They  stand  for  a  keen 
sense  of  honor,generous  competition, 
plucky  acceptance  of  failure,  a  quick  and  ready 
acknowledgment  of  the  good  points  of  an  an- 
tagonist, absolutely  fair  play,  and  an  instant 
readiness  to  be  friendly  with  one's  rival  when  the 
contest  has  been  decided. 

It  is  said  that  women  make  bad  losers  at  games, 
that  they  show  favoritism  and  personal  consid- 
eration, which  should  be  absolutely  barred  out. 
If  it  be  true,  they  have  need  to  study  the  fine 
spirit  of  the  sportsman's  code  of  ethics. 

As  the  rules  of  chivalry,  however,  had  for  object 
the  education  of  the  man  rather  than  the  woman, 

so  it  will  be  found   that  those  for  the 

/•  Driving 

guidance    of  behavior  in  out-door  rec- 
reations and  sports  have  reference  to  the  man's 
courteous  treatment  of  the  woman  rather  than  to 
her  conduct  in  relation  to  him. 

For    example,    in   driving,  a  woman   has  little 
more  to  do  than  to  try  to  make  herself  agreeable, 
405 


ETIQUETTE      FOR     ALL      OCCASIONS 

and  in  case  a  horse  is  frightened  or  fresh,  to 
control  her  own  nerves  so  as  not  to  complicate 
the  driver's  difficulties  by  giving  him  a  woman's 
fears  to  manage  as  well  as  those  of  a  horse. 

If  a  man  is  to  have  a  lady  for  companion,  he 
should  see  that  the  carriage  is  punctually  at  the 
rendezvous,  and  look  keenly  over  horses,  carriage, 
and  harness  to  see  that  all  is  in  perfect  condition. 
It  is  their  exquisite  neatness  that  gives  such  an  air 
of  style  to  English  traps  of  all  kinds. 

The  vehicle  should  be  drawn  up  close  to  the 
steps  or  pavement,  the  carriage  turned  so  as  to  in- 
crease the  space  between  the  wheels,  permitting  the 
lady  to  mount  with  ease.  As  he  helps  her  in  with 
one  hand,  he  protects  her  skirts  from  contact  with 
the  wheel  with  the  other.  He  wraps  the  laprobe 
about  her,  and  assures  himself  that  she  is  comfort- 
ably ensconced  before  taking  his  own  seat.  Mean- 
while the  groom  stands  at  the  horses'  heads,  and 
when  all  is  ready  he  climbs  into  his  place  while 
the  carriage  is  already  in  motion,  but  a  good 
driver  starts  off  slowly. 

In  America  a  gentleman  never  smokes  when 
driving  with  a  lady,  but  in  England  it  is  permis- 
sible, on  the  plea  of  its  being  in  the  open  air. 

Should  he  or  the  lady  at  his  side  recognize 
friends  on  the  road,  his  proper  salute  is  to  lift  his 
whip-stock  to  his  hat-brim.  The  same  courtesy 
is  due  when  the  right  of  way  is  given  him. 

It  is  not  good  form  for  an  unmarried  man  and 
woman  to  drive  together  in  town,  unaccompanied 
406 


SPORTING    ETIQUETTE 

by  a  chaperon.  It  is  permitted  at  Newport  and 
other  fashionable  country  resorts,  if  a  groom  oc- 
cupy the  rumble,  whether  the  man  or  the  woman 
be  the  whip.  In  passing  other  vehicles  on  the 
road,  the  rule  is,  when  meeting,  to  turn  to  the  right, 
but  when  overtaking  to  pass  to  the  left,  and  in 
like  manner,  when  overtaken,  to  keep  to  the  right 
so  as  to  leave  the  road  free  at  one's  left.  After 
passing  another  vehicle,  courtesy  demands  that  one 
drive  rapidly  for  a  time  to  relieve  the  occupants 
of  the  annoyance  of  dust.  Coolness  and  confidence 
are  the  requisites  of  a  good  driver. 

The  lady  who  is  to  occupy  the  seat  of  honor 
on  a  coach  at  the  left  of  the  host  if  he  is  the  whip 

on  the  occasion,  is  helped  to  her  place  by 

J     Coaching 
that  gentleman  in  person,  who  folds  her 

skirts  deftly  about  her  feet  as  she  mounts  the  lad- 
der, made  fast  to  the  side  of  the  coach.  The 
members  of  the  party  climb  to  their  places  in  the 
order  in  which  they  are  to  be  seated,  the  men, 
of  course,  helping  the  women  until  obliged  to 
take  their  own  seats.  The  host,  being  the  last 
to  mount,  is  left  to  show  any  one  that  courtesy, 
and  the  grooms  also  lend  assistance. 

As  they  drive  off,  the  servants  clamber  to  their 
places,  and  the  horn  scatters  its  gay  silvery  notes 
in  the  air. 

A  coaching  route  is  not  infrequently  about  ten 

to  fifteen  miles.     A   halt   is    made    usually   at  a 

country  club  of  which  the  host  is  a   member,  at 

a  friend's  house,  or  at  a  house  of  entertainment 

407 


ETIQUETTE     FOR     ALL     OCCASIONS 

famous  for  excellence,  and  luncheon  is  served. 
Champagne  is  usually  an  accompaniment. 

The  host  is  the  first  of  the  party  to  dismount 
upon  arrival,  the  ladder  is  again  fastened  to  the 
coach,  and  the  descent  is  made  backward,  the 
women  finding  ready  hands  to  help  them  and  to 
fold  their  garments  about  their  feet  as  they  pass 
from  step  to  step. 

Two  hours  or  so  are  allowed  for  rest,  and  then 
the  start  homeward  is  made. 

When  a  man  is  to  accompany  a  woman,  he 
should  assist  her  to  mount,  the  groom  meanwhile 

holding  the  horses.     He  gathers  up  the 
Riding        .  .     °  r 

reins  and  puts  them  in  her  hand,  and 

then,  stooping,  offers  his  right  hand  for  her  foot, 
or  he  may  clasp  his  hands  supporting  his  right 
forearm  firmly  on  his  thigh. 

The  woman  places  her  right  hand  on  the  second 
pommel,  holding  in  it  the  whip  and  the  reins 
tightly  enough  to  feel  the  horse's  mouth.  With 
her  left  hand  she  lifts  her  riding-skirt  and  places 
her  left  foot  in  the  hand  of  the  man,  offered  for 
a  step.  She  then  lets  go  the  skirt,  rests  the  left 
hand  upon  his  shoulder,  gives  him  the  cue  by 
bending  the  right  knee,  springs  up  erect  on  the 
left  foot,  while  he  gives  her  an  impetus  upward 
and  supports  her  foot  until  she  has  her  seat  in 
the  saddle.  She  places  her  right  knee  over  the 
horn,  and  he  sees  that  her  left  foot  is  rightly 
placed  in  the  stirrup  and  that  her  skirt  is  prop- 
erly adjusted,  before  mounting  his  own  horse. 
408 


SPORTING    ETIQUETTE 

He  should  mount  at  a  little  distance  from  his 
companion,  and  then,  if  necessary  to  turn  about, 
make  the  horse  step  around  with  his  hind  legs, 
so  as  to  avoid  turning  his  back  upon  his  com- 
panion when  addressing  her. 

A  man  should  always  keep  at  the  lady's  right. 
It  is  the  woman's  privilege  to  set  the  pace. 

In  a  riding  party  the  horse  who  has  difficulty 
in  keeping  up  should  set  the  pace  for  the  rest, 
and  spare  the  feelings  of  the  one  who  may  be 
poorly  mounted. 

It  is  perhaps  too  elementary  a  rule  of  politeness 
to  require  mention,  but  it  is  nothing  less  than 
rude  to  splash  through  mud  puddles,  with  results 
that  are  exasperating  to  one's  neighbors  and  to 
any  possible  pedestrian  who  may  be  passing. 

If  one  should  inadvertently  cause  such  annoy- 
ance, by  all  means  pause  and  apologize.  The 
English  rule  requires  a  man  to  pull  up  and  pass  a 
lady,  if  alone,  at  a  walk. 

When  approaching  a  lady,  the  man  should  al- 
ways do  so  on  the  off,  or  right,  side. 

In  passing  on  the  road,  the  rule  is  the  same  as 
for  driving.  The  escort  of  a  lady  bows  to  any 
acquaintances  whom  she  may  recognize. 

He  aids  her  in  dismounting.  He  leaves  his  own 
horse,  or  puts  his  arm  through  the  rein,  comes  to 
the  woman's  left  side,  and  takes  her  foot  from  the 
stirrup.  She  then  places  one  hand  on  his  shoulder, 
and  the  other  in  his  hand,  and  descends  lightly 
to  the  ground. 

409 


ETIQUETTE  FOR  ALL   OCCASIONS 

The  etiquette  between  man  and  woman  riding 
to  hounds  together  requires  him  to  make  his  own 
pleasure  secondary  to  securing  hers.  He  should 
ride  at  her  side,  going  ahead  to  open  gates  or 
lower  bars  a  bit  if  she  be  not  an  accomplished 
horsewoman. 

Her  rule  of  conduct  should  impose  considera- 
tion for  her  escort  and  make  herself  of  as  little 
trouble  as  possible. 

At  the  meet  the  men  who  ride  fresh  or  restive 
hunters  should  keep  at  a  fair  distance  from  the 
carriages  containing  ladies. 

Polo  has  no  code  of  etiquette  not  connected 
with  the  rules  of  the  game. 

A  man  opulent  enough  to  have  his  own  yacht, 
needs  little  tutoring  how  to  make  it  a  pleasure  to 

...    ,  .       his  friends  for  a  few  hours'  sail  or  for 
Yachting 

days  on  end.  Where  unmarried  men 
and  women  compose  a  party,  a  chaperon  is  a 
necessity. 

A  "  gig  "  or  launch  conveys  the  guests  to  the 
yacht  from  the  shore,  and  the  host  stands  at  the 
gangway  to  greet  them  as  they  arrive  and  to  assist 
them  on  deck.  After  which  he  has  only  to  follow 
the  rules  which  govern  social  functions  on  land. 

The  attention  due  the  chaperon  —  whom  he 
places  at  his  right  hand  at  table  —  and  the  pleas- 
ure of  his  guests  will  thereafter  be  his  agreeable 
duty.  Special  care  and  attention  will  of  course 
be  shown  to  any  one  affected  by  the  motion. 

The  proper  entertainments  for  a  yacht  in  harbor 
410 


SPORTING    ETIQUETTE 


are  luncheons,  dinners,  dances,  and  short  cruises, 

the  preparations  for  which  need  not  be  elaborate. 

The    etiquette    of  billiards,  according    to    the 

Badminton  authority,  requires   the    man  who  has 

played  his  stroke  to  retire  to  a  reason- 

,  /     ..  T  Billiards 

able  distance.     Loud  talking,  criticism 

of  the  play,  and  anything  that  may  disturb  or 
distract  the  attention  of  the  players  are  offences 
against  good  form. 

The  billiard-room  is  a  place  where  one  may  be 
unconventional.  At  the  club  men  play  without 
their  coats.  In  private  houses,  where  ladies  are 
of  the  party,  the  privilege  is  of  course  abrogated. 
A  Tuxedo  will  be  found  convenient.  Smoking  is 
permissible,  with  the  ladies'  consent. 

A  good  game  should  be  conducted  with  strict 
observance  of  its  etiquette.  Persons,  therefore, 
should  not  enter  the  room  when  a  game  is  in 
progress,  except  between  the  strokes,  which  may 
be  ascertained  by  listening  outside  the  door. 
Spectators  should  be  courteously  silent  or  reti- 
cent and  impartial  in  criticism. 

The  ordinary  rules  of  politeness  cover  almost 
all  the  requirements  of  the  etiquette  of  bicycling. 

The   expert   riders   should    assist    and 

Bicycling 
encourage  beginners,  and  accommodate 

the  pace  to  the  one  who  is  least  proficient.  Loud 
talking  on  the  highway  is  not  in  good  taste. 

Should  one   of  the  party  withdraw  at  the  last 
moment,  it  is  not  a  breach  of  good  manners, — 
bicycles  and  weather  are  uncertain. 
411 


ETIQUETTE  FOR  ALL  OCCASIONS 

When  a  man  rides  with  a  woman,  the  little 
courtesies  are  doubly  binding.  He  yields  to 
her  the  better  part  of  the  road,  rides  ahead  at  times 
to  choose  the  pleasantest  route,  and  up  the  long 
hills  gives  her  a  helping  hand  or  proposes  to 
dismount  if  he  fancies  it  would  be  agreeable  to 
her.  He  interposes  himself  between  her  and  any 
passing  vehicle  or  possible  annoyance,  and  permits 
her  to  take  the  lead  when  the  track  is  smooth  and 
good. 

The  following  is  the  code  of  etiquette  for  golfers, 
as  interpreted  by  the  Royal  and  Ancient  Golf  Club 
of  St.  Andrews,  Scotland :  — 

etiquette       ^  smg^e  player  has  no  standing,  and 
must  always   give   way  to    a   properly 
constituted  match. 

No  player,  caddie,  or  onlooker  should  move  or 
talk  during  a  stroke.  Some  one  has  said,  "  Si- 
lence is  golden,  but  advice  and  comment  are 
brazen." 

No  player  should  play  from  the  tee  until  the 
party  in  front  have  played  their  second  strokes 
and  are  out  of  range,  nor  play  up  to  the  putting 
green  till  the  party  in  front  have  holed  out  and 
moved  away. 

The  player  who  has  the  honor  from  the  tee 
should  be  allowed  to  play  before  his  opponent  tees 
his  ball. 

Players  who  have  holed  out  should  not  try  their 
putts  over  again  when  other  players  are  following 
them. 

412 


SPORTING    ETIQUETTE 

Players  looking  for  a  lost  ball  must  allow  other 
matches,  coming  up,  to  pass  them.  On  request 
being  made,  a  three-ball  match  must  allow  a 
single,  threesome,  or  foursome  to  pass.  Any 
match  playing  a  whole  round  may  claim  the  right 
to  pass  a  match  playing  a  shorter  round. 

If  a  match  fail  to  keep  its  place  on  the  green, 
and  lose  in  distance  more  than  one  clear  hole 
on  those  in  front,  it  may  be  passed,  on  request 
being  made. 

Turf  cut  or  displaced  by  a  stroke  should  at 
once  be  replaced. 

A  player  should  carefully  fill  up  all  holes  made 
by  himself  in  a  bunker. 

It  is  the  duty  of  an  umpire  or  referee  to  take 
cognizance  of  any  breach  of  rule  that  he  may  ob- 
serve, whether  he  be  appealed  to  on  this  point 
or  not. 

It  only  remains  to  be  said  that  when  a  man 
and  woman  play  together  he  carries  her  bag  of 
clubs  if  unable  to  secure  a  caddie.  He  gives 
them  to  her  as  needed,  makes  her  tees,  and  aids 
in  looking  for  her  balls. 


Chapter    Twenty -eighth— COURTESY 

AND    GOOD    MANNERS    IN    THE    HOME 

LL  that  the  spirit  of  the  most  punc- 
tilious etiquette  enjoins  for  one's  con- 
duct in  society  is  doubly  binding  at 
home.  As  the  New  Testament  en- 
forces the  teachings  of  the  Old  with 
vastly  more  exhaustive  requirement,  but  relieves 
them  of  all  hardness  and  exactingness  by  the  in- 
fusion of  love  as  a  motive,  so  with  the  family 
relation. 

"Each  individuality  is  an  uncompromising  fact 
and  has  to  be  taken  into  consideration,  and  though 
brothers  and  sisters  owe  identically  the  same  debt 
to  heredity  all  the  way  back  to  Adam,  they  usually 
seem  to  have  taken  advantage  of  the  wide  choice 
offered  by  the  multitudinous  family  connection,  to 
inherit  the  most  opposite  traits  and  often  most  an- 
tagonistic natures.  The  law  of  "  the  attraction  of 
opposites  "  in  matrimonial  selection  also  compli- 
cates the  domestic  problem,  and  unfortunately  re- 
lationship is  not  a  talisman  for  affection. 

To  harmonize  tempers  and  dispositions,  much 
love  is  required,  but  there  is  no  other  such  emol- 
lient to  allay  irritability,  no  such  check  to  petty 
disagreements  or  to  interference  with  personal 
liberty  between  brothers  and  sisters,  no  like  bar 
414 


GOOD     MANNERS    IN    THE     HOME 

to  rudeness  on  the  part  of  children  and  servants, 
as  the  habitual  observance  of  the  rules  of  politeness 
which  we  instinctively  follow  with  strangers. 

The  a  b  c  of  good  manners  demands    sources 
that    we   soften   the   asperity   of   criti-   of  family 
cism,  but  "  home  truths  "   have  often  a     discord 
freedom  and  frankness  peculiarly  exasperating. 

Altercation  about  trifles  is  a  fruitful  source  of 
friction,  and  stock  subjects  of  disputation  beget 
a  chronic  "  touchiness."  One  seldom  convinces 
by  excited  and  voluble  argument,  and  when  a 
suspicion  of  temper  appears  good-bye  to  suc- 
cess !  Politeness  compels  a  conciliatory  manner, 
an  open-minded  hospitality  to  the  views  of  others, 
which  will  be  most  effective  if  our  object  be  to 
influence  rather  than  to  vent  our  irritation.  "  Peace 
at  any  price  "  is  a  good  family  motto. 

Some  persons  keep  advice  for  gratuitous  distri- 
bution, and  give  it  at  such  length  and  with  such 
energy  that  all  free  agency  seems  lost  to  the  one 
addressed.  A  well-bred  reticence  should  be  exer- 
cised both  in  asking  questions  and  offering  advice, 
respecting  every  one's  natural  desire  for  independ- 
ent thought  and  action.  The  elders  are  apt  to 
dogmatize,  expecting  their  views  to  be  accepted 
without  question,  forgetting  that  their  correctness 
is  not  so  evident  to  those  whose  minds  have  not 
passed  through  the  same  processes. 

There  are  people  who  seem  to  think  that  no  one 
is  entitled  to  a  place  in  the  world  but  those  of 
whom  they  approve.  These  self-constituted  critics 


ETIQUETTE     FOR     ALL     OCCASIONS 

are  usually  the  least  patient  of  criticism  when  di- 
rected towards  themselves.  We  cannot  expect  all 
the  world  to  live  up  to  our  standards,  nor  expect  of 
others  what  it  is  not  in  them  to  be.  How  tire- 
somely  monotonous  all  the  world  would  be !  A 
wise  Power  has  made  no  two  alike.  As  well 
condemn  the  rose  for  not  being  as  useful  as  the 
cabbage ! 

One  thing  good  form  imperatively  demands, 
that  by  no  mischance,  no  loss  of  self-control,  shall 

Family     family  discords  be  revealed  to  strangers, 

"  good     children,  or  servants.    If  there  be  friction 

form  "  t^t.  may  develop  into  a  skirmish,  let  it 
be  deferred,  at  whatever  cost  to  self-repression, 
and  resumed,  if  need  be,  behind  closed  doors. 

An  uncontrolled  voice  is  always  unmannerly. 
It  is  wise  not  to  allow  a  point  at  issue  to  become 
too  important. 

Some  persons  always  wish  to  share  their  small 
ailments  and  require  an  audience  for  their  suffer- 
ings. A  Frenchwoman  once  exclaimed  with  comic 
pathos,  "  Talk  of  the  patience  of  the  late  Mon- 
sieur Job !  Any  woman  whose  husband  has  had 
a  cold  in  his  head  is  entitled  to  a  like  immortal 
reputation !  " 

A  readiness  to  give  up  in  little  things  is  the 
most  tactful  appeal  possible  for  a  return  of  cour- 
tesy at  other  times  when  the  matter  may  be  of 
importance  to  us. 

It  is  a  high  attainment  in  politeness  to  allow 
others  to  be  mistaken.  Let  a  trifling  misstatement 
416 


GOOD     MANNERS     IN    THE    HOME 

pass  unnoticed  where  no  principle  is  involved,  and 
when  a  mistake  is  past  remedy,  it  is  best  to  let  the 
subject  drop.  The  argument  of  the  "  I  told  you 
so  "  character  is  quite  superfluous. 

That  irritability  can  be  controlled,  and  that  in- 
stantly, is  proved  by  the  celerity  with  which  frowns 
vanish  and  the  voice  takes  on  tones  of  genial 
cordiality  at  the  unexpected  appearance  of  some 
acquaintance  with  whom  we  wish  to  stand  well. 
The  paradox  is  hard  to  explain  that  — 

"  We  vex  our  own  by  look  and  tone, 
Yet  —  we  love  our  own  the  best." 

May  it  not  be  that  in  the  world  of  society  polite- 
ness has  become  second  nature?  It  is  there  in- 
stinctive to  put  restraint  upon  ourselves,  to  hide 
whatever  will  not  be  pleasing  to  others,  and  to 
show  ourselves  at  our  best  and  brightest,  but 
in  the  seclusion  of  home  we  dare  to  be  barbarians, 
still  trusting  to  love  to  stand  the  strain. 

Nothing  is  more  contagious  than  tempers,  good 
and  bad.  There  are  some  uncanonized  saints  who 
seem  to  be  non-conductors  of  moral  electricity. 
When  others  are  cross,  they  turn  a  deaf  ear  and 
pretend  not  to  see,  and  the  culprits  are  grateful  — 
afterwards.  Vasari  says  of  the  painter  Raphael, 
that  ill-humor  could  not  live  in  his  atmosphere. 
One  can  always  be  cheerful  whether  one  is  happy 
or  not.  Good  breeding  is  so  largely  an  outward 
expression  of  an  inward  grace  that  the  boundary- 
line  between  etiquette  and  ethics  is  often  un- 
distinguishable. 

27  417 


ETIQUETTE     FOR     ALL     OCCASIONS 

Of  course  no  delicate  or  honorable  person  opens 

another's  letters.     Even  the  youngest  children  in 

Points  of    ^e  household  should  have  the  pleasure 

family     of     opening    the   letters    addressed   to 
honor  and  them,  and  so  be  trained  into  a  recogni- 
tng   tion  of  the  inviolable  nature  of  personal 
correspondence. 

Practical  jokes  are  rarely  indulged  in  by  per- 
sons of  nice  perceptions,  and  teasing  passes  the 
bounds  of  good  taste  the  moment  that  it  ceases 
to  be  a  matter  of  pure  fun  on  all  sides. 

Inquisitiveness  is  always  bad  form.  "Whom 
is  your  letter  from  ?  "  "  What  makes  your  eyes 
so  red  ? "  are  interferences  with  one's  rightful 
privacy. 

A  closed  door  should  be  respected  and  give 
assurance  of  seclusion.  Liberty  is  the  guaranteed 
enjoyment  of  lawful  rights. 

The  rough  proverb  "  Wash  your  dirty  linen  at 
home,"  carries  a  valuable  truth.     One  who  is  so 
disloyal  as  to  repeat  to  any  outsider,  however  in- 
timate,  anything  to   the  discredit  of  the    family, 
deserves  to  forfeit  all  family  rights  and  privileges. 
~"  And  here  let  me  enter  a  protest  against  mak- 
\   ing    one's    family    matters     newspaper    property. 
There  are  no  terms  strong    enough  to  condemn 
the  vanity  of  parents  who  will  allow  a  daughter's 
charms,  prospects,  and  advantages  to  be  advertised 
/in  the  public  prints  in  this  press-ridden  country. 
~~  For  some  occult  reason  people  are  sensitive  to 
criticism  of  their  clothes  and  even  of  the  prevail- 
418 


GOOD     MANNERS     IN    THE    HOME 

ing   fashion  as  they  wear  it.      Therefore  do  not 
say,  "  Great  Scott,  what  a  hat !  "  but  find  some- 
thing to  admire  first,  by  way  of  preface  to  adverse 
criticism,  which  should  be  spoken  in  a    „  „ 
manner  to  arouse  no  antagonism.     For    truths" 
home  criticism  has  its  place  and  value, 
and  should  not  be  resented  if  it  be  given  courteously 
and  not  when  under  irritation.    Do  we  not  all  know 
excentric,  unlovable  people  who  have  lived  much 
alone,  with  no  one  so  nearly  related  to  them  as 
to  venture  to  find  fault  with  them  ?     The  sooner 
that  we  recognize  the  utility  of  family  criticism, 
the  sooner  we  shall  outgrow  it 

Society  requires  that  whatever  their  private 
relations,  husband  and  wife  face  the  world  as  a 
unit  appearing  harmonious  and  with 

interests  identical.  Husband 

.    ,  and  wife 

Nothing  so  cheapens  a  married  woman 

and  her  husband  in  the  eyes  of  the  world  as  her 
too  evident  effort  to  attract  the  interest  and  ad- 
miration of  other  men. 

Flirtation  among  married  people  is  growing 
more  and  more  common,  and  so  are  divorces. 
Bad  form  can  go  no  further. 

It  has  been  said  by  a  wise  Frenchman  that 
"  happy  people  need  few  pleasures,"  and  when 
the  world  sees  a  woman  to  whom  social  suc- 
cess is  the  aim  and  object  of  life,  it  guesses 
pretty  shrewdly  that  all  is  not  right  at  home,  and 
no  woman  wishes  to  make  a  present  of  such  a 
secret  to  a  captious  and  critical  world.  Women 
419 


ETIQUETTE     FOR      ALL      OCCASIONS 

are  the  custodians  of  the  morality  of  a  nation  and 
cannot  hold  themselves  too  high. 

Time  was,  not  so  very  long  ago,  when,  in 
America,  the  bridal  veil  was  no  less  a  symbol  of 
withdrawal  from  society  than  the  one  assumed  in 
the  cloister.  Dancing,  flirtation,  attention  from 
other  men,  were  all  eschewed  as  a  matter  of 
course,  and  the  young  woman  gave  herself  all 
in  all  to  the  man  of  her  heart  and  choice.  She 
was  not  necessarily  sacrificed ;  there  was  bliss  in 
the  self-surrender,  and  divorces  were  then  almost 
unknown. 

The  simple  and  comprehensive  phrase  used  in 
the  old  Russian  marriage  ceremony,  "  Here,  wolf, 
take  thy  lamb,"  may  be  suggested  to  some  minds 
in  recalling  such  old-fashioned  customs  and  ideas, 
but  such  wives  are  the  kind  still  dreamed  of  by 
lovers  of  all  times  and  countries,  and  they  be- 
come such  mothers  as  Coleridge  speaks  of  as  "  the 
holiest  thing  alive." 

Never  should  married  people  discuss  the  pe- 
culiarities of  one  another  in  the  presence  of  a 
third  party.  Personalities  that  are  made  to  do 
duty  as  family  jokes  are  never  funny  to  the 
stranger. 

For  a  wife  to  complain  of  her  husband  to  any 
outsider,  or  a  husband  to  confide  anything  de- 
rogatory of  his  wife  to  another,  seems  too  heinous 
a  fault  to  have  its  possibility  believed,  but  such 
things  have  been.  A  wife  who  in  the  confessional 
had  been  complaining  to  the  priest  of  her  husband, 
420 


GOOD     MANNERS     IN    THE     HOME 

had  a  severe  penance  appointed  her.  "  You  have 
confessed  your  husband's  sins,  and  must  therefore 
do  his  penance,"  was  the  priest's  explanation. 

All  public  display  of  affection  is  in  equally  bad 
taste,  and  is  regarded  with  suspicion.  Their  be- 
havior toward  each  other  sets  an  example  that  will 
probably  influence  the  households  of  which  the 
children  will  eventually  be  the  heads. 

If  the  father  is  uniformly  held  up  by  the  mother 
to  the  children's  admiration  and  respect,  if  she 
regards  his  home-coming  as  a  pleasant  event,  is 
lovingly  solicitous  of  his  approval,  they  will  idealize 
him.  If  the  father  is  tender  and  chivalrous  to- 
ward the  mother,  showing  deference  to  her  wishes 
and  opinions,  the  children  will  show  her  like 
consideration.  They  should  never  know  of  any 
difference  of  views  or  opinions  between  their 
parents.  As  one,  their  united  judgment  should 
appear  infallible. 

If  it  is  a  point  of  good  manners  that  we  should 
appear  to  like  every  one  with  whom  we  come  in 
contact  in  the  world  of  society,  and  give  open 
expression  to  all  the  interest  that  we  feel,  is 
it  not  equally  a  matter  of  home  etiquette  not 
to  repress  the  fondness  that  would  gladden 
others  by  its  manifestation  ?  Taking  love  on 
trust,  because  it  has  been  expressed  long  ago  and 
never  officially  retracted,  is  like  trying  to  warm 
one's  self  with  the  memory  of  last  year's  sunshine. 
Words,  without  deeds,  however,  are  of  course  an 
impertinence  possible  only  to  shallow  natures. 
421 


ETIQUETTE     FOR     ALL     OCCASIONS 

Those  observant  of  home  courtesy  would  never 
taunt  with  a  past  mistake,  never  talk  at  one 
another,  either  alone  or  in  company,  never  see 
what  another  would  hide,  nor  make  a  remark  at 
another's  expense.  They  must  not  both  be  angry 
at  the  same  time. 

When  a  man  is  under  irritation  a  woman  may 
expect  to  hear  a  vehemence  of  language  out  of  all 
proportion  to  the  annoyance.  She  must  discount 
the  exaggeration,  be  deaf  to  the  "  unsanctified 
syllables  of  his  vocabulary,"  and  follow  the  wisdom 
of  Solomon  in  giving  the  soft  answer.  Retalia- 
tion will  turn  the  discussion  into  a  vulgar  quarrel, 
than  which  no  worse  "  form  "  is  possible.  Given 
a  little  time  and  a  little  silence,  the  husband  will 
usually  show  in  actions  —  rarely  in  words  —  that 
he  has  been  mistaken  or  regrets  his  hastiness. 

Sydney  Smith  said  that  the  reason  that  there 
were  so  many  unhappy  marriages  was  because 
"  the  girls  were  taught  to  make  nets  and  not  cages 
for  husbands." 

When  the  household  numbers  among  its  in- 
mates some  one  who  is  not  of  the  immediate 
family,  the  difficulties  multiply.  The 
proverb  says  that  "  There  is  no  house 
large  enough  for  two  families,"  but  al- 
though it  requires  a  delicate  adjustment  of  tempers 
and  dispositions,  the  impossible  has  been  ac- 
complished and  may  again.  Only  love  can  work 
miracles,  but  "  if  courtesy  is  not  Christianity,  it  is  a 
capital  imitation  of  it."  Like  an  armor  of  proof,  it 
422 


GOOD    MANNERS    IN    THE    HOME 

deflects  many  a  criticism  that  would  otherwise 
wound,  or  at  least  blunts  its  sharpness. 

If  the  husband's  mother  be  of  the  household, 
let  the  wife  treat  her  as  she  would  wish  to  be  treated 
when  the  sturdy  toddler  at  her  side  makes  her  a 
mother-in-law,  encouraging  her  husband  in  paying 
courteous  and  fond  attention  to  his  mother,  and 
showing  her  herself  every  respect  and  deference, 
especially  before  the  friends  of  the  family,  the 
children  and  servants,  whose  conduct  will  be  pat- 
terned after  hers. 

Let  the  mother-in-law  remember  that  no  house- 
hold is  well  or  happily  governed  where  there 
are  two  mistresses,  and  adhere  to  the  principle 
of  noninterference.  The  art  of  living  with 
others  requires  the  cultivation  of  a  judicious 
blindness,  and  the  art  of  living  happily  entails 
self-sacrifice. 

If  it  is  the  wife's  mother  that  comes  into  the 
home,  other  dangers  threaten.  However  much  a 
daughter  may  be  guided  by  her  mother's  advice, 
let  her  assume  the  entire  responsibility  of  all  that 
transpires  in  the  house.  Common  sense  dictates 
that  the  husband  be  not  allowed  to  feel  that  his 
mother-in-law  is  the  unseen  power  that  is  ruling 
his  household. 

The  longer  what  the  children  call  "  company 
manners  "  can  be  kept  up  between  them,  the  longer 
will  there  be  barriers  to  unpleasant  relations. 

Home  happiness  keeps  the  girls  from  heedless 
marriages,  and  the  boys  from  many  dangers,  and 
423 


ETIQUETTE     FOR     ALL      OCCASIONS 

as  a  preservative  of  harmony,  mutual  courtesy  and 
consideration  are  invaluable. 

The  atmosphere  which  the  parents  create  in  the 
home  by  example  becomes  the  rule  for  the  chil- 
dren, and  to  be  content  with  anything  lower  in 
latitude  than  paradise  is  to  live  below  one's 
privileges. 


424 


Chapter  Twenty -ninth— 

ETIQUETTE 


F  good  manners  are  expected  of 
children,  they  must  be  treated  court- 
eously. They  should  be  taught  that 
consideration  for  others  underlies 
genuine  courtesy.  Mere  manners 
may  treacherously  desert  one  at  critical  moments 
but  true  politeness  may  be  relied  upon. 

To  talk  of  children  in  their  presence  makes  them 
self-conscious,  and  robs  them  of  the  simplicity  that 
is  their  greatest  charm,  —  "  kingdom-of-heaven- 
ites  "  Coleridge  calls  them. 

The  least  shade  of  impertinence  or  disrespect 
should  be  checked  promptly  and  sharply.  Amer- 
ican parents  are  not  considered  good  disciplinari- 
ans. An  Englishman  once  jestingly  remarked, 
"  In  the  States  parents  are  sent  to  bed  for  '  an- 
swering back ' !  " 

Children  who  are  not  obliged  to  be  polite  to 
their  elders  and  to  one  another  will  not  suddenly 
become  well-bred  when  strangers  are  present. 
They  should  not  take  the  most  comfortable  seats 
or  most  advantageous  positions,  but  be  observing 
and  offer  such  little  attentions  to  their  parents  and 
elders,  and  the  boys  to  their  sisters. 
425 


ETIQUETTE     FOR     ALL     OCCASIONS 

Such  attentions  should  also  be  acknowledged 
with  courteous  appreciation.  A  home  may  have 
the  elegance  of  high-breeding,  no  matter  how  sim- 
ple the  surroundings.  Children  should  not  be  al- 
lowed to  contradict  each  other,  but  be  early  taught 
to  use  the  same  courtesy  in  expressing  differences 
of  opinion  as  do  their  elders,  —  "I  beg  your  par- 
don "  or  "  I  am  sure  that  you  are  mistaken."  It  is 
all  a  matter  of  habit ;  but  the  outward  form  often 
compels  the  inward  feeling.  They  should  be  made 
to  understand,  too,  that  their  unsolicited  opinions 
or  advice  offered  to  their  elders  is  a  rudeness  that 
will  make  them  unpopular. 

It  used  to  be  the  custom  for  children  to  say 
"  Yes,  ma  'am,"  "  No,  sir,"  to  their  elders,  but  that 
is  now  considered  to  belong  to  the  courtesy  due 
from  servants,  and  well-bred  children  say,  "  Yes, 
mamma,"  "  No,  grandpapa,"  and  the  tone  of  polite 
deference  must  underlie  the  simple  "  Yes "  and 
"  No  "  when  unaccompanied  by  the  name  of  the 
person  addressed. 

Well-bred  children  do  not  pass  in  front  of  a  per- 
son without  an  apology,  or  enter  a  room  whistling, 
or  addressing  some  one  therein,  unobservant  of  the 
conversation  that  may  be  in  progress. 

Young  persons  should  rise  whenever  a  visitor 

In  the      comes  into  or  takes  leave  of  the  family 

presence  circle,  and  also  if  addressed  elsewhere 
of  visitors  by  an  older  person,  should  they  happen 
to  be  seated. 

In  France  young  girls  are  trained  in  winsome, 
426 


CHILDREN'S     ETIQUETTE 

attractive  manners.  They  are  careful  to  stand 
aside  to  permit  their  elders  to  pass  first.  They 
do  not  sit  while  any  one  of  them  is  standing,  and 
their  polite  deference  in  conversation  pays  them 
a  pretty  compliment.  It  was  for  a  Frenchwoman 
that  the  word  "  charming  "  was  invented. 

Children  should  not  be  forward  in  claiming  the 
attention  of  friends  or  visitors  when  they  are  being 
greeted  by  the  elder  members  of  the  family, 
neither  should  one  hold  out  a  reluctant  hand  under 
parental  coercion.  Shyness  is  only  less  unattrac- 
tive than  forwardness,  and  is  due  generally  to 
ignorance  of  what  is  expected  of  one. 

Should  a  child  enter  the  room  where  the  mother 
is  entertaining  a  visitor  to  ask  a  question  or  favor, 
he  or  she  should  stand  by  the  mother's  side, 
without  speaking,  until  addressed  by  or  presented 
to  the  stranger.  Then,  after  asking  permis- 
sion to  prefer  the  request,  it  is  made,  and  the 
child  withdraws,  after  taking  courteous  leave  of 
the  guest. 

We  all  feel  that  it  is  humiliating  to  have  the 
attention  of  others  directed  to  our  shortcomings, 
and  children  are  not  less  sensitive,  but  some 
mothers  do  not  seem  to  know  that  they  are  break- 
ing all  the  laws  of  good  taste  in  correcting  a  child 
before  a  guest.  It  is  as  annoying  to  the  visitor  as 
it  is  cruel  to  the  child,  making  him  awkward  and 
self-conscious,  if  nothing  worse.  The  time  is  ill- 
chosen  for  child-training.  Any  possible  conflict 
or  clash  of  wills  between  parent  and  child  should 
427 


ETIQUETTE     FOR     ALL     OCCASIONS 

be  anticipated  in  time,  and  the  little  one  tactfully 
withdrawn  before  any  unseemly  friction  becomes 
apparent  to  the  visitor. 

"Showing  off"  children  is  an  unconscious  in- 
justice to  them.  Let  a  mother  keep  to  herself,  for 
private  delectation,  the  knowledge  that  her  child 
is  a  prodigy. 

Let  a  boy  be  as  free  as  air  out  of  doors,  but  in 

the  house  demand  that  he  behave  like  a 
A  well-  _  , 

trained  boy  gentleman.      In    mediaeval    times    lads 

were  made  pages  to  courtly  dames  for 
such  training. 

It  is  not,  however,  the  province  of  the  entire 
family  to  bring  him  up.  "  Nagging  "  is  one  of  the 
small  foes  to  the  peace  of  a  household,  but  the 
teaching  of  boys  to  be  gentlemen  at  home  is  as 
essential  as  the  training  of  them  to  be  men  in  the 
world. 

When  physical  strength  begins  to  be  realized 
by  a  boy,  his  first  idea  is  to  use  it  solely  as  a 
power.  He  must  be  taught  to  regard  it  also  as  a 
responsibility.  His  strength  inclines  a  truly  manly 
man  to  gentleness  towards  those  who  are  weaker. 
"  Noblesse  oblige."  A  tactful  mother  will  make 
much  of  a  lad's  strength,  appearing  a  little  de- 
pendent upon  it. 

A  boy  accompanying  his  mother  or  sisters  in 
the  street  should  be  taught  to  raise  his  hat  when 
they  return  a  bow  or  meet  a  friend,  or  when  alone 
the  boy  passes  an  acquaintance  of  his  own  or  of 
the  family,  he  should  show  the  same  courtesy, 
428 


CHILDREN'S     ETIQUETTE 

unless  in  the  case  of  a  fellow  lad  or  a  young 
man,  when  a  bow  or  nod  suffices. 

The  old  adage,"  Children  should  be  seen  and 
not  heard,"  has  not  been  superseded  by  a  better, 
however  unpopular  with  the  present  generation.  It 
would  spare  mal-apropos  remarks  until  the  child 
were  old  enough  to  recognize  when  to  speak  and 
when  to  be  silent. 

Boys  early  learn  sportsman's  etiquette,  to  ac- 
cept defeat  uncomplainingly,  to  show  no  favor- 
itism in  playing  games,  and  to  keep  one's  tem- 
per, but  girls  are  sometimes  offenders  in  these 
things. 

Unless  self-government  is  taught,  parental  train- 
ing is  imperfect. 

A  look  should  be  sufficient  to  restrain  a  child 
in  public  if  he  or  she  has  been  properly  instructed 
behind  the  scenes.  Especially  when 

,       ,         Imposing 

guests    are    present    is  it  unseemly  for  self.control 
there  to  be  any  protest  on  the  child's 
part    against   the    parent's   wishes,    expressed   by 
word  or  look. 

At  all  times  "  No  "  should  be  irrevocable  when 
uttered  ;  but  a  conscientious  review  of  the  situation 
should  first  be  made,  in  strict  justice  to  the  little 
beings  who  are  so  entirely  dependent  for  happi- 
ness. A  "teasing"  child  is  merely  a  victim  of 
bad  management. 

A  wholesome  self-restraint  about  annoying  trifles 
is  imposed  by  good  manners.     Fretting  about  the 
weather  or  a  disappointment,  fussing  about  what 
429 


ETIQUETTE     FOR     ALL     OCCASIONS 

cannot  be  cured,  poisons  the  atmosphere  like  a 
miasma. 

The  practice  of  allowing  a  sick  child  to  be  as 
cross,  petulant,  and  exacting  as  his  humor  dic- 
tates is  an  injustice  to  the  child,  who  should  be 
taught  that  under  no  circumstances  may  one 
remit  the  effort  at  self-control.  The  injunction 
should  be  pressed  with  loving  firmness. 

Children  should  be  early  instructed  in 
behavior  at  table.      No  amount  of  sub- 
sequent drilling  quite  atones  for  early  neglect. 

All  corrections  should,  however,  be  made  in  such 
manner  as  not  to  attract  the  attention  of  others. 
At  the  family  meeting-place  nothing  should  be 
allowed  to  overshadow  the  general  pleasantness. 

Every-day  etiquette  includes  the  custom  of  cheer- 
ful daily  greetings.  When  a  grunt  does  duty  for 
a  pleasant  "  good-morning "  and  an  inaudible 
murmur  replaces  a  tender  "  good-night,"  family 
manners  need  mending. 

People  should  never  be  criticised  adversely  in 
the  presence  of  children. 

A  look  should  be  sufficient  to  restrain  a  child 
from  eating  some  coveted  dainty  at  table.  If 
children  were  made  to  feel  that  their  parents 
denied  themselves  a  pleasure  in  denying  them  their 
wishes,  and  that  only  their  best  judgment  guided 
by  tenderest  love  prompted  the  refusal  of  what 
they  would  be  far  happier  to  grant,  there  would  be 
more  trust  and  less  friction  between  parents  and 
children. 

430 


CHILDREN'S      ETIQUETTE 

In  no  one  thing  does  the  good  and  bad  training 
of  early  life  so  quickly  betray  itself  as  in  the  treat- 
ment of  those  whom  circumstances  have  Chiidren. 
placed    in   dependent   positions.      The  treatment 
higher   the   nature,  the    more   strongly  °f  servants 
is    felt    the    inarticulate    appeal    from    the   less- 
favored  classes  for  justice  and  gentleness. 

Children  should  not  be  thrown  in  the  society  of 
servants  for  companionship  more  than  is  necessary, 
but  they  should  be  required  to  treat  them  with 
courteous  consideration,  prefacing  every  request 
with  "  please,"  and  ready  with  pleasant  thanks 
in  acknowledgment  of  any  service. 

Among   influences  that   mould   and   refine  the 
young   persons    of    the   household    is   the    infor- 
mal and  frequent  entertainment  of  wel-    informai 
come  guests.    Those  accustomed  to  the  hospitali- 
presence  of  visitors    have  more  pleas-       ties 
ing  manners,  are  more  at   their  ease,  and   conse- 
quently more  graceful  and  tactful  than  those  who 
have  not  this  advantage. 

Entertaining  visitors  unifies  a  family,  all  being 
pledged  to  the  same  object,  —  the  gratification  of 
the  guest. 

Children  should  be  made  to  feel  their  identifi- 
cation with  the  home.  A  little  fellow  replied  to 
the  question  whether  he  had  any  brothers  and 
sisters, "  No,  we  have  only  one  child." 

Social  observance  requires  no  effort  if  one  learns 
it  in  early  youth.     A  child  should  be  encouraged 
to  write  his  or  her  own  note  of  thanks  for  a  pleas- 
43i 


ETIQUETTE     FOR      ALL     OCCASIONS 

ure  offered  or  a  present  received.     However  child- 
ishly expressed,  it  will  probably  thank  the  giver 
better  than  the  most  correct  effusion  written  by  an 
elder. 
The  chil-       Should    a  child   of    one    household 

dren's  have  a  quarrel  with  another,  the  moth- 
playfellows  ers  show  a  petty  spirit  in  adopting  it 
themselves. 

The  difference  should  be  carefully  looked  into, 
and  the  children  urged  to  apologize  and  "  make 
it  up."  The  one  who  is  most  forward  to  take 
the  initiative  has  usually  the  finer  instincts.  Should 
a  mother  learn  that  her  child  has  been  guilty  of 
some  grave  fault  towards  another,  she  should  call 
at  once  with  her  child  upon  the  one  who  has  been 
injured,  and  make  her  child  apologize,  expressing 
her  own  regret  and  offering  to  make  any  repara- 
tion in  her  power.  She  should  be  met  in  a  gener- 
ous and  forgiving  spirit.  The  rule  works  both 
ways. 

No  woman  should  ever  presume  to  scold  or 
correct  the  child  of  another,  nor  should  she  be 
the  one  to  report  its  misdeeds. 

A  school-girl's  dress  should  be  plain,  neat,  and 
calculated  to  excite  no  envy,  attract  no  attention. 

Simplicity  is   not   only    in  good  taste, 
Children's  but    jt   .g    the    characterjstic    of    a    ijttie 
dress 

maiden's    costume    among    those   who 

set  a   fashion    by   adopting   it.      Children    should 

be  as  unconscious  of  their   clothes    as   birds   of 

their  plumage.    To  talk  of  their  dress  before  them 

432 


CHILDREN'S     ETIQUETTE 

is  fatal  to  that  spirit.  When  unwise  mothers  or 
nurses  admire  them  in  a  particular  costume  or 
discuss  its  becomingness,  the  poison  begins  to 
work. 

It  is  wisdom  on  the  part  of  parents  to  encourage 
the  visits  of  their  children's  friends  and  make  them 
so  welcome  that  they  may  feel  at  home.  So  it 
may  be  judged  whether  or  not  their  companion- 
ship is  to  be  desired. 

It  is  best  for  the  mother  to  limit  the  children's 
circle  of  acquaintance  to  those  of  her  own  personal 
friends,  as  far  as  may  be,  since  she  presumably 
knows  something  of  the  home  influences.  Should 
invitations  come  from  children  whose  parents  are 
unknown  to  her,  they  should  be  written  by  the 
mother  of  such  children  or  accompanied  by  a  line 
from  that  lady  seconding  the  invitation ;  but  in 
any  case  it  is  wise  to  make  inquiries  and  learn 
what  one  may  of  the  influences  surrounding  the 
new  playmates. 

A  birthday  is   generally  the  occasion  of  child- 
ish   hospitalities.      The    young    folk    should    be 
encouraged  to  write  their  own   invita-  children's 
tions,  under  the  guidance  of  some  older  entertain- 
person,  —  stationery  with  special  decor-      ments 
ations    comes    for  the    purpose,  —  and    may    be 
posted    or    the  youthful    hosts  may    think  it    an 
added  pleasure  to  leave  them  at  their  destination 
in  person. 

If  the  invitation  be  for  a  small  dance,  it  may  be 
formal,  written  in  the  third  person,  — 
28  433 


ETIQUETTE     FOR     ALL      OCCASIONS 

Miss  Gladys  Jay 
requests  the  pleasure  of  the  company  of 

Master  Harry  Danvers 
at  her  birthday  party  on  Thursday 
the  seventh  of  February,  at  four  o'clock 
Thirty  West  Fortieth  Street 

Or  the  invitation  may  be  given  in  a  friendly 
little  note,  in  some  such  form  as 

DEAR  JEAN: 

Will  you  come  to  my  birthday  party  on  Wednes- 
day afternoon  at  four  o'clock  ?  We  shall  meet  on 
the  lawn,  and  I  hope  that  we  may  have  a  pleasant 
time. 

Yours  sincerely, 

GLADYS  JAY. 
Thirty  West  Fortieth  Street. 

In  winter  the  entertainment  usually  takes  the 
form  of  a  little  dance,  lasting  from  four  until  seven, 
during  which  the  playing  of  games  alternates  with 
or  follows  the  dancing. 

The  shades  are  drawn,  the  gas  and  lamps  are 
lighted,  the  music  of  a  piano  or  a  piano  and  violin 
or  harp  is  arranged  for,  and  the  young  hosts, 
simply  dressed,  receive  their  guests,  aided  by  the 
mother  or  some  older  person  who  is  fond  of 
children. 

The  pretty  courtesies  and  generous  little  sac- 
rifices demanded  by  the  position  of  host  and 
hostess  should  be  made  to  appear  as  their  pleas- 
ant duty,  and  that  their  chief  concern  must  be  to 
434 


CHILDREN'S     ETIQUETTE 

play  the  games  their  visitors  prefer,  to  see  that 
none  are  overlooked  in  the  dancing  and  at  supper, 
and  that  every  one  there  has  a  good  time. 

The  refreshments  may  be  served  when  things 
begin  to  drag.  Supper  need  not  necessarily  be 
the  final  feature.  The  birthday  cake  may  occupy 
the  centre  of  the  table,  its  top  either  decorated 
with  as  many  small  candles  as  the  child  has  years, 
or  frosted  to  represent  the  dial  of  a  clock,  the 
hand  pointing  to  the  numeral  that  coincides  with 
the  age  of  the  host  or  hostess.  A  wreath  of  green 
may  surround  it,  if  flowers  are  too  expensive,  or 
instead  of  the  cake  there  may  be  a  large  low 
basket  of  paper  roses,  which  is  passed  around 
after  the  feast,  and  from  which  each  child  draws 
a  flower  and  finds  a  little  gift  attached  to  it. 

It  fulfils  the  child's  idea  of  a  good  time  if  there 
is  something  which  may  be  carried  home,  —  a 
tangible  evidence  of  what  has  passed  like  a  dream. 
Therefore  a  simple  favor  may  be  provided,  either 
in  the  way  just  indicated  or  placed  at  each  cover 
if  the  children  sit  at  table.  This  is,  of  course, 
only  adapted  to  a  very  small  party.  Bouillon, 
sandwiches  rolled  and  tied  with  ribbons,  ices, 
simple  cakes-  and  bonbons,  oranges  cut  in  the 
shape  of  baskets,  and  plenty  of  mottoes  suffice  for 
the  early  supper. 

In  summer  the  birthday  f£te  will  be  the  more 

enjoyable  if  held  on  the  lawn  from  four  to  seven  in 

the  afternoon.     In   the  freedom  of  an  "  out-door 

party,"  in  the   society  of  many  playfellows,  chil- 

435 


ETIQUETTE     FOR     ALL     OCCASIONS 

dren  acquire  such  bright  spirits  and  are  usually  in 
such  holiday  mood  as  to  make  any  great  effort 
for  their  amusement  unnecessary. 

Games  of  all  kinds  may  give  merry  occupation 
until  a  slight  weariness  begins  to  threaten,  and 
then  the  young  folk  may  be  marshalled  to  another 
part  of  the  grounds,  where  little  tables  set  under 
the  trees,  decorated  with  daisies  and  buttercups, 
will  enable  them  to  "  play  tea-party  "  after  an 
ideal  fashion.  A  sensible  menu  that  will  be  pro- 
ductive of  no  unpleasant  after  effects  may  consist 
of  chicken  sandwiches,  with  milk  or  cocoa,  ice- 
cream in  flower  moulds,  sponge-cake,  and  plain 
bonbons.  The  costume  mottoes  never  fail  to 
create  a  little  flutter  of  fun  and  excitement.  The 
boys  like  the  noise,  and  the  girls  enjoy  the  "  dress- 
ing up."  There  is  often  a  birthday-cake  with 
candles,  in  which  are  baked  a  little  ring  and 
thimble.  When  the  cake  is  cut,  great  interest  is 
felt  in  their  chance  destination.  A  bowl  of  lemon- 
ade should  be  accessible  throughout  the  afternoon. 

If  the  entertainment  is  in  honor  of  a  birthday, 
the    guests  often    bring    some    trifling 

guests      gift  to  tne  young  host  or  hostess,  —  a 
book,  a  game,  or  some  small  inexpensive 
souvenir. 

Their  greetings  should  be  in  the  form  of  con- 
gratulations, —  "  Many  happy  returns  of  the  day," 
"  I  wish  you  a  happy  birthday,"  or,  as  a  bright 
little  girl  once  said,"  I  hope  that  you  will  have  three 
hundred  and  sixty-five  happy  days  in  this  year." 
436 


CHILDREN'S     ETIQUETTE 

In  taking  leave,  each  little  guest  should  say  to 

the  lady  of  the  house  "  Good-afternoon,  Mrs. ; 

I  have  had  a  very  pleasant  time,"  or  "  Thank  you, 

Mrs. ;  I  have  enjoyed  myself  very  much,"  and 

then  bidding  the  child  host  or  hostess  good-by 
with  some  cordial  expression  of  pleasure. 


437 


Chapter  Thirtieth— -THE  FAMILY 
TABLE 

O  school  of  etiquette  offers  so  many 
opportunities  to  its  members  to  learn 
the  best  way  of  doing  things  as  the 
family  table.  Therefore  it  is  wise, 
at  the  simplest  home  meal,  to  ob- 
serve in  the  main  the  conventionalities  which  are 
accepted  as  appropriate  when  guests  are  present. 

If  children  are  accustomed  to  good  manners  at 
home,  they  will  never  suffer  from  awkwardness  and 
clumsiness  when  visiting,  and  there  is  no  reason 
that  they  should  not  acquire  an  ease  and  grace  of 
deportment  that  will  not  forsake  them  even  if,  later 
in  life,  they  should  be  called  upon  to  dine  with 
royalty  itself. 

When  family  and  servants  are  used  to  a  daintily 
appointed  table  and  correct  service,  the  unex- 
pected guest  will  cause  no  trouble  or  embarrass- 
ment, and  the  hostess  will  be  free  to  make  herself 
charming,  relieved  of  all  fear  that  the  children  or 
servants  may  betray  that  they  are  accustomed  to 

a  less  refined  manner  of  living. 
The  family      A  fresh   toilette  and  a  pleasant  face 
at  table    are    „  de    rjguer  »  at    a\\  meals,  —  es- 
pecially at  breakfast  a  means  of  grace. 
438 


THE     FAMILY     TABLE 


The  children  should  not  be  the  first  to  seat 
themselves.  In  some  households  the  chair  of 
the  mother  is  always  placed  for  her  by  one  of  the 
lads. 

Morning  and  evening  salutations  should  be  cor- 
dial and  habitual.  Grace  is  sometimes  said  by  the 
youngest  child  present;  sometimes  all  bow  the 
head,  and  each  offers  a  silent  thanksgiving. 

One  should  not  begin  to  eat  until  all  are  served. 
Favoritism  in  serving  is  to  be  deprecated ;  when 
children  are  habitually  given  the  least  desirable 
portions,  it  educates  greediness. 

Only  at  breakfast  is  it  permissible  to  read  let- 
ters, and  then "  if  t  'were  well  done  it  were  done 
quickly." 

Whoever  reads  a  newspaper  at  breakfast  is 
bound  by  courtesy  to  share  its  contents  with  oth- 
ers, or  at  least  give  the  main  points  of  interest. 
The  head-lines  may  be  read  to  prove  the  dearth  of 
news,  —  so  often  the  excuse  for  silent  and  selfish 
absorption. 

All  unpleasant  subjects  should  be  banished  from 
conversation  at  table,  personalities,  which  are  al- 
ways in  bad  taste,  and  unnecessary  fault-finding. 
It  is  a  wise  rule  that  criticism  of  the  food  be  de- 
ferred until  another  time,  and  confided  to  the 
housekeeper's  private  ear. 

To  discuss  family  interests  or  the  private  affairs 
of  friend  or  neighbor  in  the  presence  of  servants  is 
in  very  bad  taste,  as  is  the  slightest  approach  to 
bickering  or  heated  argument. 
439 


ETIQUETTE      FOR     ALL      OCCASIONS 

To  pass  one's  friends  and  acquaintances  in  criti- 
cal review  at  table,  unless  it  be  to  admire  or  praise 
them,  especially  when  perhaps  a  guest  has  just 
departed,  is  a  form  of  discourtesy  that  is  un- 
pardonable. 

All  the  drilling  of  the  children  in  table  manners,  all 
corrections  should  be  made  in  such  manner  as  not 
to  centre  the  attention  of  others  upon  the  delin- 
quent. A  little  private  instruction  elsewhere  than 
at  table  is  apt  to  insure  more  gratifying  results. 
Children  should  not  be  allowed  to  monopolize  the 
conversation,  to  contradict  or  interrupt  others,  or 
make  themselves  unduly  prominent.  The  small 
public  of  the  home  circle  is,  however,  the  natural 
and  proper  audience  for  social  beginnings. 

All  should  exert  themselves  to  make  the  time 
spent  at  table  delightful,  and  the  power  to  charm 
be  freely  exerted  to  entertain  the  family.  The  re- 
hearsal will  stand  one  in  good  stead  elsewhere. 

The  first  rule  of  table  etiquette  taught  to  Spartan 
children  was,  "  What  is  said  here,  goes  not  out 
there." 

The  family  table  brings  often  a  revelation  of 
disposition  as  well  as  breeding.  Less  trammelled 
by  conventionality,  reform  there  must  begin  with 
the  heart  rather  than  the  head.  Unselfishness 
must  rule.  We  receive,  too,  in  the  intimacy  of 
the  home  circle,  friends  whose  good  opinion  we 
value  more  than  that  of  acquaintances  to  whom 
we  pay  the  inferior  compliment  of  a  formal 
entertainment. 

440 


THE     FAMILY     TABLE 

Children  should  not  be  allowed  to  refuse  some 
things  and  eat  voraciously  of  others  that  they  pre- 
fer. Some  easy-going  people  say,  "  Let  the  child 
have  what  he  likes,  let  him  eat  all  that  he  wants." 
It  is  unmannerly  to  give  free  rein  to  one's  appetite 
in  any  direction,  —  to  pass  the  line  of  self-control  is 
to  pass  that  of  good  taste.  Special  rules  for  table 
manners  have  been  given  in  a  former  chapter. 

It  is  often  more  difficult  to  serve  well  a  plain 
family  dinner   than  an  elaborate "  company  func- 
tion."    The  only  hope  of  success  lies  in 
the  consent  of  all  to  abide  by  certain     Correc* 
fixed  rules  of  serving,  which,  if  observed, 
will  surely  result  in  the  general  satisfaction. 

It  is  not  necessary  to  premise  that  the  table  be 
neatly  set,  the  cloth  spotless,  whatever  its  quality, 
the  glass  and  silver  bright,  and  the  napkins  changed 
whenever  their  freshness  is  lost.  The  fern-filled 
jardiniere  in  the  centre  of  the  table  has  become 
almost  universal,  but  a  dish  of  fruit  may  accept- 
ably replace  it. 

A  dinner  or  "  place  "  plate,  a  thickly  cut  piece 
of  bread  or  roll,  a  glass  freshly  filled  with  iced 
water,  —  but  without  ice,  —  knives,  forks,  and  table- 
spoons should  be  at  each  place. 

It  is  the  present  fashion  to  have  everything 
served  from  the  pantry  or  a  side  table,  in  which 
case  the  meats  and  vegetables  are  not  placed  upon 
the  dining-table,  the  carving  is  done  behind  a 
screen,  and  the  dishes  passed,  from  which  one 
helps  one's  self.  A  folded  napkin  is  laid  between 
441 


ETIQUETTE     FOR     ALL     OCCASIONS 

the  large  dishes  and  the  hand  of  the  servant,  a 
tray  is  used  for  the  small  ones. 

An  embroidered  centrepiece  under  the  fernery 
and  two  or  four  "  compotiers  "  of  silver,  glass,  or 
fine  china,  are  the  usual  table  decorations.  Some 
persons  use  candelabra  with  shades  matching  the 
colors  of  the  embroidered  centrepiece,  and  others 
add  small  dishes  of  olives,  radishes,  etc.  The 
"  compotiers  "  are  usually  filled  with  dainties  that 
do  not  depend  altogether  upon  their  freshness  to 
be  acceptable,  —  candied  fruits,  peppermints,  prunes, 
figs,  nuts,  and  raisins,  preserved  ginger  or  citron 
and  fruit  are  among  the  things  that  do  not  require 
too  frequent  renewal. 

If  the  "  good,  old-fashioned  way  "  of  serving 
be  preferred,  the  servant  places  the  soup  tureen 

The  old-  before  the  lady  of  the  house  and  one 
fashioned  soup-plate,  substituting  another  when 

style  of    1.1^  js  supplied.     Plates  should  never 


service  .,         ,     r 

be  piled  before  any  one. 

The  soiled  soup-plates  are  removed  one  by  one, 
leaving  the  place-plate  underneath  for  the  hors- 
d'oeuvres,  or  until  exchanged  for  a  hot  one  for 
fish  or  roast.  The  vegetables  are  brought  upon 
the  table  before  the  meat.  The  fish  and  roast 
are  in  turn  placed  before  the  carver,  and  a  hot 
plate  replaces  his  cold  one.  At  no  time  is  one 
left  without  a  plate  before  one.  At  the  clearing 
of  the  table  the  soiled  plates  are  first  removed  ; 
when  all  have  finished,  then  the  meat,  and  lastly 
the  vegetables.  One  cannot  condemn  too  strongly 
442 


THE     FAMILY     TABLE 


the  putting  of  one  plate  upon  another  in  clearing 
a  table.  The  salts,  peppers,  etc.  are  removed  on  a 
serving-tray,  covered  with  a  doily ;  the  large  pieces 
of  bread  on  a  plate,  using  a  fork;  the 
crumbs  are  brushed,  and  the  plates  set 
for  the  sweet  course,  which  is  served 
by  the  lady  of  the  house.  The  soiled  plates  are 
removed  before  the  "  sweet"  itself  is  taken  away. 

Small  cups  of  coffee  are  passed  on  a  tray,  and 
the  servant  next  follows  with  sugar  and  cream,  for 
those  who  like  it. 

A  servant  who  understands  his  duties  will  an- 
ticipate the  wants  of  those  whom  he  is  serving, 
and  obey  promptly  a  look  of  suggestion  from  his 
mistress.  The  more  quietly  a  table  is  served,  the 
more  it  appears  to  be  well  served. 

No  one  leaves  the  table  until  all  have  finished, 
except  by  special  permission.  The  napkins  are 
folded  unobtrusively,  and  the  chairs  withdrawn  out 
of  the  immediate  way  of  persons  passing.  Be- 
tween meals  the  white  tablecloth  should  be 
replaced  by  a  woollen  or  cloth  one,  and  the  room 
arranged  in  perfect  order. 

At  breakfast  and  luncheon  a  large  tray  is  placed 
before   the   lady  of  the   house,  from    which  she 
serves  the  tea  and    coffee.     Fruit  is  eaten    either 
before    or   after  the    rest   of  the  meal.   Breakfast 
Bread-and-butter-plates  with  small  silver       and 
knives  now  usually  replace  the  individ-  luncheon 
ual  butter-plates.     The  small  saucer-plates  used  for 
vegetables  and  for  fruit  sauces  at  luncheon,  and  oc- 
443 


ETIQUETTE     FOR     ALL     OCCASIONS 

casionally  at  dinner,  are  accepted  on  sufferance, — 
one  at  each  place  is  the  limit  of  tolerance. 

The  table  should  not  become  disordered  during 

the    meals.      No    matter  how   pleasing 
A  dainty 
table      tne  vianc<s>  an  untidy  table  will  detract 

from  all  appreciation  of  them  to  those 
who  are  accustomed  to  dainty  serving. 

With  some  persons,  only  when  guests  are  ex- 
pected is  any  effort  made  to  beautify  the  table. 
One  does  not  use  the  best  china  and  glass  every 
day,  but  the  table  appointments  may  be  tasteful 
and  dainty  with  but  small  outlay  of  money. 

Almost  anything  edible  is  made  more  inviting 
by  a  bit  of  decoration.  Cold  meats,  eggs,  hashes, 
etc.,  take  on  quite  a  new  air  of  belonging  to  the 
higher  culinary  aristocracy  when  generously  gar- 
nished with  parsley.  Tiny  wedges  of  toast,  slices 
of  lemon,  rings  of  blood-red  beets  and  of  small 
white  onions,  bits  of  cracked  ice,  water-cresses, 
appropriately  bestowed,  make  the  plainest  fare 
more  acceptable,  and  chops  in  frills  of  curled 
white  paper  acquire  a  touch  of  elegance  quite 
impossible  to  their  counterparts  unattired.  These 
chops  too,  placed  in  a  circle  overlapping  each 
other  upon  the  platter,  and  the  space  enclosed 
filled  with  peas  or  crisp  brown  potatoes,  have  a 
distinct  advantage  over  those  served  in  the  ordi- 
nary way  with  the  vegetable  in  a  separate  dish. 
Plain  bread  spread  upon  the  loaf  as  in  our  grand- 
mother's day  and  cut  in  triangles  as  thin  as  wafers 
seems  quite  another  thing  than  the  commonplace 
444 


THE     FAMILY     TABLE 


"staff "of  every-day  life,  and  watercress  sand- 
wiches with  the  breakfast  coffee  give  almost  festal 
suggestions  to  the  prosaic  meal. 

Little  fringed  doilies  under  the  bread  and  cake 
are  now  so  common  as  to  make  their  absence  no- 
ticeable, and  contribute  to  the  "  finish  "  of  a  table. 

In  summer  no  table  is  properly  set  without  a 
few  flowers.  None  are  to  be  despised.  Those 

least  favored  have  the  greater  charm  of 

u  J    *u  a  The  table 

novelty,  and  the   "dear  common   flow-  insummer 

ers  "  are  the  prettiest  to  eyes  accustomed 
to  the  hot-house  "  professional  beauties."  Fresh- 
ness is  the  only  quality  really  indispensable.  Even 
masses  of  leaves  in  their  crisp  freshness  make  a 
pretty  centrepiece  in  default  of  flowers  or  ferns. 
Leaves  also  make  pretty  mats  placed  in  circles 
under  the  decanters,  cold  dishes,  and  the  vase  or 
bowl  holding  flowers,  while  berries  and  fruit  of  all 
kinds  look  far  more  inviting  when  the  dishes  that 
contain  them  are  lined  with  their  own  leaves,  the 
setting  that  nature  has  given  them.  If  one  does 
not  enjoy  the  possession  of  a  private  garden,  the 
marketman  will  procure  such  leaves  for  the  asking. 
That  the  dining-room  should  be  kept  as  cool  as 
possible  during  our  tropical  summer  days  goes 
without  saying,  and  if  slightly  darkened,  one  is 
less  conscious  of  the  heat,  for  one  sense  helps 
another  in  its  illusions.  Flies  should  be  banished 
on  pain  of  death,  and  as  they  have  a  deeply  rooted 
aversion  to  the  odor  of  lavender  and  bay  oil, 
sprigs  of  the  one  and  a  few  drops  of  the  other 
445 


ETIQUETTE     FOR     ALL     OCCASIONS 

in  vessels  about  the  room  are  efficacious  in  ban- 
ishing these  household  nuisances.  The  odor  is 
appreciable  to  human  senses  only  in  faint  little  gusts 
of  perfume  that  intermittently  assail  one's  nostrils 
agreeably.  Window-boxes  of  scarlet  geraniums 
are  thought  in  England  to  bar  out  the  intruders. 

If  ever  the  service  a  la  Russe  is  in  place,  it  is 
in  warm  weather,  when  the  sight  of  the  steaming 
food  upon  the  table  aggravates  one's  sense  of 
discomfort.  The  flowers,  fruit,  olives,  radishes, 
etc.  sufficiently  adorn  the  table,  and  the  food  is 
more  inviting  when  not  constantly  in  evidence. 

When  possible,  give  the  family  the  pleasure  of 
a  luncheon  or  tea  served  out  of  doors,  under  the 
trees  or  on  a  vine-screened  piazza.  Everything 
tastes  good  "  al  fresco."  The  appetite  is  stim- 
ulated as  by  change  of  air. 

Candlelight  is  a  welcome  relief  from  the  glare  of 
gas  or  the  heat  of  a  lamp  on  the  tea-table,  but  in 
many  households  even  such  little  accessories  as 
candles  are  necessarily  reserved  for  "  company  oc- 
casions." A  pretty  effect  may  be  produced,  when 
the  chandelier  over  the  table  has  no  drop-light, 
by  arranging  an  open  Japanese  umbrella  under  it 
so  that  the  light  is  softly  diffused  and  the  eyes 
are  protected  from  glare. 

I  am  pleading  for  an  artistic  setting  of  ordi- 
nary home  meals.  Such  trifles  add  to  the  pleas- 
ant atmosphere  of  family  life,  and  give  proof  of 
thoughtful  consideration  on  the  part  of  the  home- 
maker  that  will  not  fail  of  appreciation. 
446 


THE     FAMILY     TABLE 


If  it  be  objected  that  it  makes  more  work  for 
the  servants,  I  can  only  answer  from  delightful 
experience  that,  like  the  famous  feat  of  St.  Denis 
in  carrying  his  severed  head  in  his  arms  for  so 
many  miles,  "  it  is  the  first  step  which  costs."  The 
routine  once  established,  such  things  are  found  to 
be  but  little  trouble,  and  insensibly  the  standards 
of  work  are  raised  in  the  minds  of  maids  as  well 
as  mistress.  The  cook  will  not  prepare  a  chop 
as  carelessly  when  she  knows  it  is  to  be  decked 
in  paper  furbelows.  The  waitress  will  take  greater 
pride  and  interest  in  her  work  when  she  sees  that 
her  little  efforts  give  pleasure. 

The  French,  who  have  brought  the  material  art 
of  living  to  its  highest  point  and  finish,  and  who 
are  at  the  same  time  the    thriftiest  of 
peoples,  know  that  entrees  are  an  econ-      "  * 
omy,  and  study  how  to  make  food  more 
attractive  at  its  second  presentation  than  before. 
Meat  being  the  most  costly  item  of  table  expen- 
diture,   a    "  rechauffee,"    an  entree  of  eggs,    fish, 
cheese,  or  what  not,  gratifies  the  taste  for  variety, 
and  leaves  one  with  less  appetite  to  be  satisfied 
by  the  more  expensive  viands. 

The  consciousness  that  an  orderly,  presentable 
table    is    always   to    be    counted    upon    at    home 
stimulates  the  best  kind  of  hospitality, —       The 
not  that  which  weighs  and  measures  and    kindliest 
repays  its   obligation   with   commercial  hosPltality 
exactness,    savoring   of  the  marketplace,   because 
of  the  effort    to    direct  the    ordinary    household 
447 


ETIQUETTE     FOR     ALL     OCCASIONS 

routine  into  ways  commensurate  with  our  ideas 
of  the  claims  of  "  company."  There  is  a  wider, 
sweeter,  simpler  hospitality  which  lets  the  latch- 
string  swing  loose  at  the  touch  of  a  friend, 
which  is  glad  at  the  coming  of  a  guest  and  sorry 
at  his  going,  which  does  not  mind  crowding  and 
inconvenience  and  merry  confusion  if  only  one's 
home  is  sufficient  for  the  sheltering  of  kindred 
and  friends  to  the  utmost  boundary-line  of  friend- 
ship. Such  hospitality  is  not  chronicled  in  the 
papers,  but  all  over  the  land  it  is  making  people 
gladder  and  better. 

The  ideal  home  opens  its  doors  in  kindly  wel- 
come, sharing  what  the  family  has  to  give,  be  it 
much  or  little, — a  source  of  good,  like  mountain 
springs,  —  and  sending  forth  from  its  shelter  those 
who  will  found  new  homes  like  it  for  the  blessing  of 
generations  yet  to  come. 


448 


Chapter    Thirty-first— CHRISTENINGS 

T  is  a  pretty  custom  for  a  young 
mother  to  summon  her  friends  to 
rejoice  with  her  in  her  happiness 
and  ask  their  welcome  for  the  new 
member  of  her  household. 
The  time  chosen  for  a  christening  is  usually 
when  the  child  is  about  six  weeks  old,  though 
the  knotty  point  of  giving  it  a  name  sometimes 
defers  it.  Very  few  parents  care  now  to  perpetuate 
an  ugly  name,  simply  because  it  has  been  used  in 
their  families,  although,  when  there  is  an  ancestral 
legend  or  bit  of  romance  connected  with  it,  the 
lack  of  beauty  is  forgiven  for  the  sake  of  the 
associations. 

The  ceremony  may  be  performed  in  church, 
just  after  a  service,  or  in  mid-afternoon  when  only 

personal  friends  are  present  and  to  the 

11-111  A  church 

sacredness  of  a  church  is  added  an  at-  christening 

mosphere  of  home  privacy. 

In  the  latter  case  the  font  and  chancel  are  some- 
times prettily  but  simply  decorated  with  white  flow- 
ers, and  the  guests  occupy  the  forward  pews. 

The  parents  and  the  baby  with  its  nurse  are  the 
last  to  arrive,  and  take  their  places  with  the  spon- 
sors in  the  front  pews.  The  little  one's  wraps  and 
29  449 


ETIQUETTE     FOR     ALL     OCCASIONS 

cap    are  removed,  and  wh'en   the  clergyman  ap- 
proaches  the    font,  the    sponsors,  and    the  nurse 
carrying  the  baby  take  their  stand  before  him,  — 
the  elder    godmother  with  the  nurse    preceding 
the  others. 

When  the  child's  name  is  to  be  given,  the  god- 
mother takes  the  baby  from  the  nurse  and  hands  it 
to  the  clergyman,  who  afterward  restores  it  to  her, 
and  the  nurse  receives  it  at  the  conclusion  of  the 
rite. 

After  the  service,  if  no  reception  follows,  the 
friends  gather  about  the  mother  and  her  child, 
expressing  congratulations  and  admiration  of  the 
little  one. 

There  is  generally  a  luncheon  or  informal  recep- 
tion of  the  guests  at  the  baby's  home,  —  as  in  the 
case  of  a  wedding. 

If  the  christening  takes  place  in  church,  of  course 
the  name  of  the  church  is  mentioned  in  the  invita- 
tions ;   if  at    the  house,  the  address  is 

*Tp« 

given.     The  accepted  form  of  invitation 
invitations  » 

is  either  an  engraved  card  or  a  written 
note  —  the  latter  is  the  more  customary  —  saying, — 

Mr.  and  Mrs.  Bruce  Talbot 

request  the  pleasure  of  your  company 

at  the  christening  of  their  infant  daughter 

Gladys 

on  Thursday,  May  the  ninth,  at  one  o'clock 
Ninety  Fifth  Avenue. 

Or  an  informal  note  may  be  written. 

450 


CHRISTENINGS 


Many  hesitate  to  expose  the  frail  treasure  to 
the  possible  inclemency  of  the  weather, 

and    the   baptism    takes    place    at    the    A  house 

christening 
house. 

Only  those  whose  friendship  is  valued  are  usu- 
ally invited  to  a  house  christening,  and  the  god- 
parents should  be  chosen  from  those  who  are 
likely  to  have  the  time  and  disposition  to  keep 
the  promises  they  are  called  upon  to  make. 

The  child  who  replied  to  the  question  "  What 
did  your  sponsors,  then,  for  you?  "  "  Knife,  fork, 
and  spoon,"  summed  up  the  whole  duty  of  god- 
parents as  it  seems  to  be  generally  understood. 

The  French  take  the  matter  of  sponsorhood 
very  seriously,  and  friends  for  life  are  secured 
for  the  child. 

A  boy  should  have  two  godfathers  and  one 
godmother ;  the  order  is  reversed  in  the  case  of 
girls. 

The  hour  for  the  christening  should  be  so  ar- 
ranged as  not  to  interfere  with  the  child's  regular 
sleep,  and  the  little  one  should  not  be  brought 
down  from  the  nursery  until  everything  is  in 
readiness. 

The  drawing-room  is  usually  decorated  with 
palms  and  plants  bearing  white  flowers.  In  the 
cities  florists  will  loan  daisy-plants,  Easter  lilies, 
palms,  and  ferns  for  a  daylight  entertainment  at 
half  the  price  charged  when  the  plants  are  to  be 
subjected  to  the  deleterious  effects  of  gas.  In  the 
country  nothing  prettier  for  decoration  can  be 
45 i 


ETIQUETTE     FOR      ALL      OCCASIONS 

imagined  than  sprays  and  small  branches  of  apple- 
blossoms.  The  space  should  be  cleared  in  the 
centre  of  the  room  so  that  there  may  be  room 
for  the  christening  party  to  stand  before  the 
clergyman,  for  whose  use  there  should  be  a 
small  table,  covered  with  a  fine  white  linen  cloth, 
upon  which  should  stand  a  glass  or  silver  bowl  of 
water,  wreathed  with  white  flowers  if  one  please. 

The  mother  or  some  member  of  the  family 
welcomes  the  guests  upon  arrival,  and  at  the  hour 
named  for  the  ceremony  the  clergyman  takes  his 
place  near  the  improvised  font,  and  the  nurse 
carrying  the  baby  enters  the  room,  followed  by 
the  parents  and  godparents.  They  then  stand 
before  the  clergyman,  the  baby  being  the  centre 
of  the  group. 

When  that  part  of  the  service  is  reached  where 
the  clergyman  must  take  the  child  in  his  arms,  the 
godmother  takes  it  from  the  nurse  and  hands  it 
to  him,  repeating  in  distinct  tones  the  name  which 
is  to  be  given  to  the  child ;  and  when  it  shall  have 
been  officially  received  into  Christ's  flock,  given 
the  sign  consecrating  to  faithful  service,  and 
the  prayer  said,  the  godmother  again  takes  the 
child,  and  may  hold  it  until  the  conclusion  of  the 
ceremony. 

A  few  moments  are  allowed  for  every  one  to  see 
and  admire  the  baby,  and  as  soon  as  possible  the 
child  should  be  sent  back  to  the  nursery,  after 
which  a  little  music  generally  follows.  Some 
beautiful  and  famous  "lullaby"  or  "cradle-song" 
452 


CHRISTENINGS 


is  suitable  to  such  an  occasion,  and  the  choice 
is  a  large  one  for  either  voice  or  piano.  If  nothing 
peculiarly  appropriate  to  babyhood  be  selected, 
the  music  should  be  of  a  devotional  character. 
The  prettiest  thing  I  ever  heard  at  a  christen- 
ing was  a  duet  sung  by  the  young  mother  at  the 
piano,  and  a  fresh  young  voice  behind  a  screen  of 
flowers.  The  words  were  those  of  George  Mac- 
donald's  touching  little  poem,  beginning,  "  Where 
did  you  come  from,  baby  dear?"  the  mother  ask- 
ing the  questions,  and  the  answers  given  by  the 
voice  (behind  the  flowers)  of  a  little  girl  about 
ten  years  old. 

If  there  is  no  breakfast  or  luncheon  following 
the  ceremony,  caudle  is  served  after  the  music, 

to    those    who    like    it.      It   is   a   very 

.  ,  ...  The  re- 

thm    oatmeal    porridge,    boiled    to     a  freshments 

jelly,    with    wine,    spices,    and     raisins, 
after  which    it  is  thinned,  sweetened,  and  served 
hot   in   cups.      Cake   and  wine    are    also    served, 
and  the  baby's  health  is  proposed   by  the  god- 
father, and  all  drink  it,  standing. 

The  more  customary  entertainment  is  a  lun- 
cheon, or  guests  are  served  from  a  large  table,  as 
at  a  reception. 

The  table,  if  decorated  with  Easter  lilies  and  tall 
white  candles  lighted,  without  shades,  has  an  ef- 
fect of  purity  that  is  very  lovely.  All  the  cakes, 
bonbons,  etc.,  should  be  white.  The  following 
menu  in  which  everything  is  white  but  the  coffee 
will  answer  for  a  breakfast  or  luncheon:  — 
453 


ETIQUETTE     FOR      ALL     OCCASIONS 

MENU. 

Clam  bouillon  with  whipped  cream 
Sweetbreads  in  white  cases 

Supreme  de  Volaille 

Celery  salad,  white  mayonnaise 

Ices  or  Meringues  glaces 

Angel's  food 

Coffee 

Where  the  purse  permits  the  indulgence  each 
guest  may  be  presented  with  a  tiny  white  bonbon- 
niere  as  a  souvenir,  upon  which,  in  raised  letters  of 
gilt  or  silver,  the  baby's  name  is  traced. 

The  boxes  may  contain  bonbons  according  to 
taste,  but  the  top  layer,  at  least,  should  be  of  the 
small,  smooth  sugar  almonds,  known  as  "  dragees 
de  bapt£me,"  if  one  would  be  faithful  to  time- 
honored  traditions. 

If  the  company  is  seated  at  table  instead  of 
being  served  "  en  buffet,"  the  father  of  the  child 
takes  in  the  godmother  to  the  dining-room,  the 
godfather  sits  at  the  right  of  the  hostess,  the 
clergyman  at  her  left.  He  is  always  invited  to 
ask  a  blessing. 

The  baby's  christening  robe  is  often  an  heirloom, 

or  is  trimmed  with  lace  that  has  family  associations. 

It  is  generally  made  with  a  short  waist  and 

Dress  at  a  j         skirt.    Infants'  "  full  dress  "  is 

christening  .  *..... 

supposed  to  require  the  finishing  touch 

of  small  rosettes  of  narrow  white  ribbon  on  either 

side  of  the  little  waist  at  the  belt,  and  wherever 

on  the  skirt  they  may  be  appropriately  bestowed. 

454 


CHRISTENINGS 


The  baby's  clothes  should  appear  soft  and  filmy, 
not  stiff  and  starchy,  and,  above  all  things,  they 
should  be  comfortable. 

The  supreme  question  —  uppermost  in  the  mind 
of  the  mamma  —  "  whether  the  baby  will  be  good  " 
during  the  ordeal  of  being  taken  awkwardly  in 
hand  by  those  little  accustomed  to  such  offices,  is 
best  solved  by  making  the  child  comfortable,  and 
the  "  porte-bebe "  is  preferred  by  many  to  the 
somewhat  cumbrous  robe.  Lying  at  ease  on  a 
pretty  lace-trimmed  pillow,  the  little  limbs  are 
slipped  into  a  sort  of  pocket  formed  by  a  daintily 
embroidered  coverlid,  attached  on  three  sides  to 
the  pillow.  A  wide  satin  ribbon  is  tied  around  the 
precious  bundle,  its  ends  meeting  in  a  large  bow 
at  the  child's  waist. 

A  "  posy  "  has  always  been  one  of  the  traditional 
essentials  of  the  baptismal  toilette.  A  single  Easter 
lily  as  a  bouquet  holder  filled  with  lilies  of  the  val- 
ley or  hot-house  daisies  or  a  bunch  of  the  blossoms 
themselves  tucked  in  at  the  little  waistband,  are  ap- 
propriate to  the  wearer. 

A  pretty  tea-gown  is  usually  worn  by  the  young 
mother,  and  the  guests  —  men  and  women  —  come 
in  formal  visiting  dress. 

The  baby's  nurse  should  wear  a  large  apron  of 
soft  white  mull,  and  her  cap  be  adorned  with  a 
white  satin  bow. 

As  soon  as  the  sponsors  have  been  notified  of 
the  time  appointed  for  the  christening  it  is  incum- 
bent upon  them  to  send  the  child  a  present.  A 
455 


ETIQUETTE     FOR     ALL     OCCASIONS 

silver  porringer,  cup,  or  bit  of  jewelry,  marked 
with  the  baby's  name,  is  the  usual  gift.  For  a 
irl  to  whom  a  knife,  fork,  and 


if 

spoon  have  been  given,  the  present  is 

sometimes  repeated  on  each  successive  birthday, 
until  the  twelfth  is  reached,  when  the  little  girl 
is  the  possessor  of  a  full  dozen  of  each.  Every 
year  the  pattern  is  different,  and  all  are  marked 
with  the  dates  of  the  presentation. 

A  grandfather,  or  the  godfather  if  he  be  a  wealthy 
relative,  sometimes  places  a  sum  of  money  in  the 
savings-bank  to  the  baby's  credit,  or  presents 
him  with  a  bond  which  with  the  accumulated 
interest  is  paid  when  the  child  becomes  of  age. 

Other  friends  invited  to  the  christening  are 
not  expected  to  make  the  child  presents,  but 
many  choose  to  do  so,  or  they  send  flowers  to  the 
baby's  mother  on  the  day  of  the  baptism.  If  the 
gifts  are  displayed,  the  cards  are  removed. 

It  is  customary  for  the  parents  of  the  child  to 
give  some  little  souvenir  to  the  nurse  on  the  occa- 
sion of  a  christening,  as  a  gift  from  the  baby. 


456 


Chapter   Thirty-second— BEDDING 

ANNIVERSARIES 

'NLY  those  whose  hopes  have  reached 
fruition  are  likely  to  care  to  observe 
anniversaries  of  the  wedding  day,  and 
they  are  therefore  joyful  occasions 
and  fitting  times  to  show  hospitality. 
As  June  strews  the  pathway  of  every  bride  with 
flowers  and  scatters  sunshine  with  so  lavish  a  hand, 
the  "  flowery  month  "  has  always  been  considered 
the  most  propitious  for  weddings,  for  "  then,  if 
ever,  come  perfect  days,"  and  the  advantage  re- 
mains for  the  commemorative  festivities.  As  the 
happy  event  recedes  into  the  dim  past,  every  woman 
likes  to  recall  that  she  was  once  a  bride,  and  so 
we  have  multiplied  the  occasions,  and  formed  a 
little  code  of  rules  dictating  that  the  first  anniver- 
sary shall  have  as  its  special  feature  cotton,  the 
second  paper,  the  third  linen.  The  fifth  has  long 
been  known  as  the  "  wooden  wedding,"  and  is  the 
first  to  be  generally  celebrated. 

A  little  dinner,  to  which  the  former       The 
bridal  party  is  bidden,   is    the  favorite    wooden 
entertainment.  wedding 

The  table,  bare  of  napery,  but  covered  profusely 
with   ferns  and   leaves,  wooden  dishes   lined  with 
foliage,  and    place   cards  of  birch-bark   give   the 
457 


ETIQUETTE     FOR     ALL     OCCASIONS 

appropriate  sylvan  effect.  Every  pretext  for  in- 
troducing leaves  and  verdure  should  be  taken 
advantage  of. 

If  it  be  desired  to  give  souvenirs  to  the  guests, 
a  small  birch-bark  canoe  filled  with  ferns  or  wild 
flowers  of  any  kind  that  grow  in  the  woods  may  be 
at  each  place,  or  an  immense  sawdust  pie  may  con- 
tain wooden  trifles  to  be  distributed  among  them. 

The  bride  wears  her  wedding  gown  —  hardly 
yet  out  of  fashion  —  but  discards  the  veil. 

Plants  in  tubs  and  pails,  etchings  of  woodland 
scenes  —  anything  from  a  clothes-pin  to  a  carriage 
—  is  appropriate  as  a  gift.  "  A  family  tree  "  care- 
fully drawn  with  correct  genealogical  structure 
would  be  a  not  inappropriate  trifle  to  offer, 
and  a  good  tool-chest  is  invaluable  to  young 
householders. 

Ten  years  after  the  wedding  day  comes  the  next 
milestone  upon  the  highway  of  married  life,  called 
the  "  tin  wedding,"  for  which  a  recep- 
tion is  the  celebration  usually  chosen 

wedding 

in  winter  and  a  lawn  party  in  summer, 
differing  from  such  festivities  only  in  that  the 
host  receives  with  his  wife. 

New  tinware  upon  the  table  will  be  found 
almost  as  effective  as  silver,  and  pretty  in  com- 
bination with  pink  roses  or  carnations.  Circular 
cake-tins  filled  with  flowers  may  wreathe  the  prin- 
cipal dishes.  Any  tinsmith  will  make  flower- 
holders  in  the  form  of  the  date  of  the  wedding 
and  the  present  one,  if  something  elaborate  be 
458 


WEDDING    ANNIVERSARIES 

desired,  to  decorate  the  ends  of  the  table.  Upon 
cards,  covered  smoothly  with  tin  foil,  the  names 
of  the  guests  may  be  distinctly  written  with  a  blunt 
pencil.  The  bride  again  wears  her  wedding  dress, 
now  grown  sufficiently  old  in  style  to  be  a  source 
of  amusement,  and  carries  her  bouquet  in  a  tin 
funnel.  If  the  entertainment  be  out  of  doors,  each 
little  table  should  have  its  flower-filled  tin  receptacle. 

Music  enlivens  the  scene,  and  if  there  is  danc- 
ing after  the  ceremonious  part  of  the  entertain- 
ment, all  present  should  join  in  a  Virginia  Reel, 
the  bride  and  groom  leading  off. 

The  gifts  and  table  appointments  may  include 
new  tin  fish-horns,  dust-pans,  funnels,  and  cake  tins, 
beribboned  and  filled  with  flowers ;  and  globe- 
shaped  wire  baskets  used  for  drying  lettuce,  lined 
with  silk,  make  charming  bonbonnieres. 

One  father  gave  his  daughter  a  tin  savings-bank, 
well  capitalized,  and  another  a  bag  of  money, 
labelled  "  tin." 

The  "  crystal  wedding  "  commemorates  the  fif- 
teenth anniversary.  The  invitations  may  have  the 

dates  and  crest  or  initials  sprinkled  with 

The  crystal 
the  pulverized  mica  known  as     diamond    wecjding 

powder"  on  a  thin  layer  of  mucilage. 
On  the  table  cut  glass  should  be  prominent,  unless 
one's  purse  forbid,  when  the  pressed  glass,  imi- 
tating it  so  nearly,  may  well  replace  it.  Red  roses 
or  carnations,  scarlet  geraniums  or  poppies  make 
a  striking  and  effective  contrast  with  the  colorless 
glass.  A  large  mirror,  bordered  with  smilax  with 
459 


ETIQUETTE     FOR     ALL      OCCASIONS 

which  red  flowers  are  thickly  entwined,  and  a 
bowl  of  blossoms  of  the  same  shade  upon  its  centre 
make  an  attractive  centrepiece,  and  one  is  fortu- 
nate if  among  heirlooms  one  possesses  glass  cande- 
labra with  pendent  prisms.  The  red  candle-shades 
may  bear  the  marriage  dates  done  in  crystal  beads. 

If  the  entertainment  be  in  the  nature  of  a  re- 
ception, the  tea  and  coffee  should  be  served  in 
tumblers,  as  is  usual  in  Russia  for  the  former  and 
in  Austria  for  the  latter.  For  presents,  vases  of 
all  shapes  and  sizes,  bottles  containing  anything 
one  pleases,  bits  of  Venetian  glass,  microscopes, 
magnifying-glasses,  offer  a  wide  choice. 

The  twentieth  anniversary  is  not  celebrated  by 

superstitious   persons,   but   those  of  wider  vision 

and  untrammelled  by  faith   in    a  deity 

The  linen  W^Q  js  guided  or  hampered  by  accidents 
wedding  7._. 

to  looking-glasses  or  other  trifling  mis- 
chance, enjoy  their  "  linen  wedding  "  anniversary, 
and  rejoice  in  gifts  of  beautiful  napery,  embroi- 
dered doilies  and  centrepieces,  drawn  work  like 
spider's-webs,  and  other  devices. 

The  blue-eyed  flower  of  the  flax  plant  would  be 
the  appropriate  one  for  the  decoration  of  the 
table,  but  as  they  are  not  readily  procurable,  the 
blue  of  the  ragged-sailor  may  be  a  fitting  substi- 
tute, with  field  daisies  to  give  variety.  A  little 
ingenuity  may  form  out  of  a  dozen  fringed  doilies 
a  border  of  linen  about  the  flower  piece,  not  unlike 
the  flowers  themselves,  and  for  the  occasion  the 
old-fashioned  elaborate  folding  of  napkins  at  each 
460 


WEDDING    ANNIVERSARIES 

place  might  be  revived  to  give  the  title  r61e  of  the 
feast  the  greater  prominence. 

Next  comes  the  silver  wedding  after  twenty-five 
years  of  married  life,  which  have  usually  crowned 
the  heads  of  the  maturing  couple  with 

silver.    The  zenith  of  material  prosperity  The  Sllver 

wedding 
has    usually   been    reached   about    this 

time,  which  may  be  one  reason  why  it  is  the 
anniversary  oftenest  celebrated.  The  invitations, 
engraved  in  silver,  are  generally  issued  for  a 
reception,  using  the  "  At  Home  "  formula.  The 
year  of  the  wedding  and  the  present  date  occupy 
the  upper  corners  of  the  card ;  the  lady's  maiden 
name  and  that  of  her  husband,  the  lower  ones. 

Sons  and  daughters  take  the  place  of  ushers 
and  bridesmaids,  and  aid  in  receiving  the  guests. 
A  silver-gray  gown  replaces  the  bridal  dress, 
which  is  seldom  available  at  this  time. 

Only  relatives  and  intimate  friends  send  gifts, 
and  the  request  that  none  be  sent  is  often  written 
or  engraved  upon  the  invitations, —  one  would  not 
invite  a  compliment. 

A  silver  loving-cup  filled  with  American  Beauty 
roses  was  the  significant  and  flattering  gift  of  one 
elderly  bridegroom  upon  such  an  occasion,  and 
another  gave  a  heart-shaped  mirror  set  in  silver, 
bearing  the  line  engraved, — 

"  How  much  the  wife  is  dearer  than  the  bride." 

Silverware  should  be  much  in  evidence  on  the 
table,  with  which   nothing  is  prettier  in  contrast 
461 


ETIQUETTE     FOR     ALL      OCCASIONS 

than  pink  roses,  particularly  by  artificial  light. 
Fortunately  for  light  purses,  June  roses  blush  as 
prettily  in  plated  ware  as  in  more  costly  setting. 
Candle-shades,  cakes,  bonbons,  all  should  conform 
to  the  rose-colored  note  that  should  be  the  dom- 
inant one  morally  and  materially. 

It  is  a  pretty  custom  for  the  bride  and  groom  to 
repeat  their  wedding  journey. 

Few  have  the  golden  opportunity  of  celebrating 

their  fiftieth  anniversary.    The  invitations  should  be 

engraved  in  gilt,  the  bride  should  wear 

'n  some  souvenir  of   her  wedding  finery, 
wedding  ' 

and  the  gown  itself  be  upon  exhibition. 

The  aged  bride  should  leave  to  younger  heads 
and  hands  the  preparations  for  her  guests,  and  she 
may  with  all  propriety  receive  them  seated.  A 
wicker  chair  is  easily  decorated  after  the  manner 
of  a  carriage  at  a  flower-parade.  The  groom  may 
be  likewise  provided  for,  or  he  may  stand  at  his 
wife's  side  for  a  time  and  then  mingle  with  the  guests. 
All  the  children,  grandchildren,  and  great-grand- 
children should  be  present,  —  a  family  gathering. 

The  rooms  and  table  should  be  gay  with  golden 
blossoms,  the  decorations  suggesting  ripeness, 
culmination, — yellow  maple  boughs,  ripe  wheat, 
goldenrod  in  autumn,  chrysanthemums,  daffodils. 
Nature  is  always  prodigal  of  yellow  bloom. 

The  presents  need  only  suggest  in  color  the 
precious  metal. 

At  the  close  all  might  join  in  singing   "  Auld 
Lang  Syne  "  as  a  fitting  climax  to  the  occasion. 
462 


Chapter  Thirty- third— FUNERALS 

JT  is  when  our  skies  are  clear  that 
we  should  acquaint  ourselves  with 
matters  to  learn  which  is  an  added 
torture   when   the   shadows   of  be- 
reavement darken  about  us. 
At  funerals,  however  simple  and  private,  system 
is  needed  to  insure  dignity.    Aiming  at  informality, 
we  sometimes  have  disorder. 

The  preparations  are  committed  to  the  care  of 
an  undertaker,  who  makes  all  arrange- 
ments, guided  by  the  wishes  and  tastes 
of  the  family. 

The  custom  is  growing  in  favor  of  hanging  the 
door-bell  of  a  house  of  mourning  with  flowers  in- 
stead of  the  funeral  crape,  emphasizing  thoughts 
of  resurrection  rather  than  of  death.  The  shades 
should  be  drawn  over  the  windows  at  the  front  of 
the  house,  the  bell  muffled,  and  a  servant  detailed 
to  be  at  the  door  to  receive  and  transmit  messages. 
The  burial  clothing  for  men  is  usually  that  worn 
in  life.  For  women  a  night-dress  or  wrapper 
aids  the  illusion  that  they  have  fallen  asleep. 

The    clergymen    and    pall-bearers,   when   there 
are  any,  are  invited  by  note. 

Into  the  hands    of  some  masculine  member  of 
the  family  or   some  trustworthy,  intimate    friend, 
463 


ETIQUETTE      FOR     ALL      OCCASIONS 

are  usually  confided  the  preparations  for  the  fu- 
neral. He  sees  .that  the  announcement  is  made  in 
the  newspapers,  confers  with  the  sexton,  arranges 
for  the  funeral  procession,  if  the  ceremony  takes 
place  at  church,  makes  the  appointment  for  the 
meeting  of  the  pall-bearers,  if  such  are  invited  to 
serve,  and  spares  the  family  whatever  painful  de- 
tails connected  with  the  funeral  he  may. 

Some  woman  friend  may  generally  be  counted 
upon  to  arrange  for  a  dressmaker  to  call  to  take 
orders  and  give  the  necessary  fittings  for  suitable 
mourning  for  the  women  of  the  bereaved  family, 
do  what  shopping  is  needed,  and  make  herself 
actively  and  tactfully  useful. 

Unless  it  is  requested  that  no  flowers  be  sent, 
intimate  friends  intrust  their  messages  of  sympa- 
thy to  them,  —  the  blossoms  always  seeming  to 
express  just  what  heart  would  say  to  heart. 
Speech  is  often  too  gross  and  written  words  are 
too  cold  to  say  what  we  would,  however  tem- 
pered by  feeling.  The  flowers  are  no  longer 
tortured  into  stiff  forms,  ungraceful  and  costly, 
but  sent  in  large,  loose  clusters,  wreaths,  and 
sprays.  The  choice  is  not  necessarily  confined  to 
white  blossoms,  and  palm  branches  suggest  the 
soul's  victory. 

The  casket  —  the  word  itself  is  merciful  —  is 
usually  covered  with  black  cloth,  but  violet,  pale 
gray,  or  even  white  has  been  used  for  young  per- 
sons. Flowers  cover  the  entire  lid,  and  the  custom 
of  leaving  the  face  of  the  dead  exposed  to  the 
464 


FUNERALS 


gaze  of  the  curious  or  indifferent  is  wisely  being 
abandoned,  as  is  also  the  custom  of  sitting  up  with 
the  body  before  the  funeral. 

At  a  house  funeral  the  family  remain 

....  .      i   ,  A  house 

upstairs  or  behind  a  curtained  doorway,     funeral 

but  within  reach  of  the  clergyman's  voice. 

Panegyrics  of  the  dead  are  obsolete,  even  an 
address  is  rarely  made  after  the  funeral  service 
unless  the  family  desire  it,  and  selections  from  the 
Bible  are  read.  Two  or  three  hymns  are  sung, 
by  persons  usually  screened  from  view. 

At  the  end  of  the  service  those  who  are  not  go- 
ing to  the  burial  quietly  disperse.  Carriages  are 
in  waiting  for  the  relatives  and  near  friends.  Some- 
times only  the  male  relatives  are  present  at  the 
interment. 

The  sensible  custom  of  leaving  cards  at  funerals 
is  finding  general  acceptance.  Attendance  is  usu- 
ally prompted  by  a  desire  to  show  respect  for  the 
dead  and  sympathy  for  the  living,  but  if  it  is  not 
known  whether  or  not  one  was  present,  the  act  of 
courtesy  fails  of  recognition. 

It  is  now  the  almost  universal  custom  to  hold 
funerals  in  churches.  The  congregation  of  friends 

assembles,  and  when  the  hearse  arrives, 
...  .  .    .    .         . ,       f  A  church 

with  the  carriages  containing  the  fam-     funeral 

ily,  the  organ  plays  and  the  procession 
passes  up  the  aisle.  The  casket  is  carried  in  ad- 
vance, the  near  relatives  follow  arm  in  arm  in  the 
order  of  the  degree  of  kinship,  and  seat  themselves 
in  the  front  pews  at  the  right  of  the  church.  When 
3o  465 


ETIQUETTE     FOR     ALL     OCCASIONS 

there    are   palt-bearers,  they  act   as   a   guard   of 
honor. 

The  clergyman  generally  meets  the  casket,  and 
reads  the  burial  service  as  he  precedes  it  up  the 
aisle.  It  is  then  deposited  upon  a  catafalque 
draped  in  black  and  often  covered  with  flowers. 
The  casket  itself  is  also  covered  with  Easter  lilies, 
violets,  or  other  blossoms,  or  a  pall  of  ivy  leaves, 
thickly  sewn  on  some  thin  material,  that  falls 
about  it  like  a  drapery. 

The  return  of  the  family  down  the  aisle  facing 
the  congregation  is  very  trying,  and  to  obviate  this, 
the  custom  is  obtaining  for  the  casket  to  be  in  its 
place  in  the  church  and  the  family  seated  in  the 
forward  pews  before  the  rest  of  the  people 
assemble. 

At  the  close  of  the  services  the  clergyman 
announces  that  "  the  interment  will  take  place 
at  the  convenience  of  the  family,"  and  all  dis- 
perse, after  which  the  family  enter  carriages  and 
follow  the  hearse  to  the  cemetery.  The  more  pri- 
vate a  funeral  can  be  made,  the  more  is  it  in 
harmony  with  one's  finer  instincts. 

It  is  the  thoughtful  custom  of  many  to  send  the 
flowers  after  the  funeral  to  the  hospitals,  —  except 
such  as  have  been  given  by  the  family  or  by  near 
and  dear  friends,  which  are  left  upon  the  casket. 
If  the  flowers  are  by  their  arrangement  suggestive 
to  the  patients  of  the  use  to  which  they  have  been 
put,  the  nurses  take  them  apart  and  distribute 
them. 

466 


FUNERALS 


In  Protestant  communities  there  is  no  specific 
charge  made,  either  for  opening  a  church  for  a 
funeral,  or  for  conducting  the  services 

there  or  at  the  house.     It  is  customary, 

*  '    expenses 

however,  where  people  are  well  to  do, 
to  offer  to  the  officiating  clergyman  some  substan- 
tial recognition  of  his  services,  and  where  the  fun- 
eral is  held  in  church,  the  sexton  expects  a  fee,  — 
which  in  New  York  is  usually  from  ten  to  twenty- 
five  dollars.     Nothing  is  expected  from  persons  in 
moderate  circumstances.     The  organist  and  chor- 
isters are  paid  according  to  what  their  ability  can 
command. 

A  carriage  is  sent  to  the  clergyman's  house,  and 
placed  at  his  disposal  until  his  return  there  after 
the  service  at  the  cemetery.  Carriages  are  also 
provided  for  the  members  of  the  family,  the  pall- 
bearers, and  such  relatives  and  friends  as  care  to  go 
to  the  cemetery  after  the  funeral  at  house  or  church. 

Where  pall-bearers  are  requested  to  serve  as  a 
guard  of  honor  —  for  they  no  longer  carry  the  cas- 
ket upon  their  own  shoulders,  as  was  for- 
merly  the  custom  —  they  meet  at    the 
house  of  the  deceased,  and  from  thence 
proceed  to  the  church  in  carriages  provided  for  them. 
Six  or  eight  persons  is  the  usual  number  invited. 

In  the  vestibule  the  procession  forms,  and  the 
pall-bearers  precede  the  casket,  walking  two  by 
two,  returning  after  the  services,  in  the  same  order. 
In  driving  to  the  cemetery,  their  carriages  follow  that 
of  the  clergyman,  which  goes  next  after  the  hearse. 
467 


ETIQUETTE     FOR     ALL     OCCASIONS 

Black  gloves  are  sometimes  furnished  these  gen- 
tlemen, through  the  undertaker  or  sexton,  but  the 
mourning  scarfs  with  which  they  used  to  be  in- 
vested are  now  rarely  seen. 

The  open  grave  is  often  lined  with  flowers  or 
evergreen,  the  earth  heaped  at  its  side  covered 

The  last    with  green  boughs  or  white  blossoms. 

resting-  One  would  suggest  thoughts,  not  of 
p  ace  a  body  committed  to  the  earth,  but  of 
a  soul  passed  to  happiness.  The  flowers  sent 
by  friends  are  carried  in  the  hearse  and  left  upon 
the  closed  grave.  Only  near  friends  usually  ac- 
company the  remains  of  the  deceased  to  the  ceme- 
tery. We  would  have  only  those  about  us  whom 
we  love  or  who  loved  the  one  whom  we  mourn  at 
such  times,  although  conventionality  and  the 
presence  of  others  often  brace  our  efforts  at  self- 
control. 

The  fulsome  flatteries,  the  ludicrous  attempts  at 

poetry,  that  it  used  to  be  the  custom  to  inscribe 

upon   tombstones    have  brought    about 

epitaph     a   reacti°n    m    favor    of    the    simplest 
possible  record  of  the  name,  with  dates 
of  birth  and  death. 

In  Puritan  times,  when  anything  verging  upon 
compliment  was  regarded  as  a  snare  of  the  evil 
one,  the  epitaph  was  often  the  first  recognition 
—  openly  expressed  —  of  the  worth  and  virtues  of 
the  deceased.  Death  broke  down  the  barriers 
of  reticence,  and  the  pent-up  love  and  feeling 
found  their  outlet  in  the  epitaph. 
468 


FUNBR A  LS 


There  is  a  little  grave  in  a  New  England  "  God's 
acre"  upon  which  one  reads  the  touching  words 
after  the  name,  "  And  Jesus  called  a  little  child." 
A  tombstone  has  often  preached  to  those  who 
"  would  flee  a  sermon."  Now  even  the  texts 
of  Scripture  which  devout  hearts  have  found  sat- 
isfaction in  associating  with  the  resting-place  of 
their  beloved  dead,  are  rarely  inscribed  upon  the 
stones  and  monuments. 

Persons  in  affliction  need  quiet  and  considera- 
tion, to  have  their  wishes  consulted  in  few  words, 

their  feelings  spared.      They  are  fortu- 

u      t  i  •   A    c  •     j          After  the 

nate    who    have    some    kind   tnend    to     funerai 

show    unobtrusive    kindness,    to    write 
notes,  see  visitors,    arrange    flowers,    and   during 
the  absence   of  the  famjly  at  the    interment    see 
that  the  house  is  restored  to  its  accustomed  order 
and  a  comfortable  meal  awaits  their  return. 

A  few  words  of  thanks  on  a  visiting-card  is 
regarded  as  all-sufficient  recognition  for  flowers 
or  other  evidences  of  thoughtful  sympathy  sent 
to  those  who  are  bereaved. 

Mourners  signify  their  desire  to  re-enter  society 
by  sending  or  leaving  their  cards  upon  friends 
and  acquaintances. 

The  world  has  grown  tolerant  of  the  presence 
of  persons  in  mourning  at  concerts,  lectures,  read- 
ings, and  even  at  opera  matinees,  recognizing  with 
sympathy  and  suspension  of  all  criticism  the  wis- 
dom of  people's  doing  what  they  can  now  and  then 
to  ease  their  heart-ache  and  dispel  their  gloom. 
469 


Chapter  Thirty -fourth— SERVANTS 

HE  evidence  of  good  breeding  is 
never  more  conspicuous  than  in  the 
treatment  of  those  in  inferior  posi- 
tions and  especially  of  our  own 
dependents.  There  is  an  etiquette 
governing  such  relations  that  is  the  more  binding 
because  it  can  only  be  enforced  by  our  personal 
sense  of  justice  and  propriety. 

The  fact  that  the  provocation  is  sometimes  ex- 
cessive does  not  excuse  a  lapse  on  the  part  of 
those  who  presumably  may  claim  superior  ad- 
vantages of  training,  education,  and  refinement. 

There  is  a  well-known  story  of  an  old  Scotch 
divine  who,  in  his  deep  conviction  of  the  possi- 
bilities of  good  in  everybody,  exhorted  his  con- 
gregation to  pray  for  the  great  Adversary,  adding, 
in  pitying  tones,  "  Naebodie  praighs  for  the  puir 
deil." 

In  common  with  the  old  Scotchman,  one  may 
assume  that  servants  are  made  better  by  exactly 
the  same  principles  that  the  rest  of  the  world  is 
improved.  Few  are  so  bad  that  they  cannot  be 
touched  and  reclaimed  by  kindness,  and  eye- 
service  changed  to  heart-service. 

There  is  no  doubt  that  reform  is  needed   in  our 
domestic  service.     Idiocy  would  sometimes  seem 
470 


SERVANTS 


to  be  no  disqualification  for  positions  in  the 
household;  but,  incompetence  aside,  many  em- 
ployers complain  of  impertinence,  laziness,  care- 
less indifference. 

It  might  be  eloquently  demonstrated  that  there 
may  be  fault  on  both  sides,  but  at  least  the  best 
way  to  reform  the  world  is  always  to  begin  with 
ourselves. 

I  do  not  advocate  a  sentimental  attitude  towards 
servants  or  a  system  of  petting  and  coddling,  that 
would    only  spoil  and    make  them    in-   To  make 
sufferable;   but  even    on    purely  selfish      good 
grounds   to  secure   good   service,    they    servants 
should    be    treated    with    the    consideration    that 
one  would  expect   to   receive,  were  the  positions 
reversed,    never  forgetting  that    they    are  fellow- 
mortals,  not  machines. 

Familiarity  and  intimacy  with  servants  only 
lower  the  mistress  to  their  level  in  their  regard, 
and  yet  a  decided  politeness  of  tone  in  addressing 
them,  while  pleasing  by  its  cordiality,  conveys  a 
sense  of  superior  breeding  that  is  "  as  a  great 
gulf  fixed." 

Such  a  manner  is  the  most  effective  check  to  a 
threatened  impertinence.  They  are  not  used  to 
have  their  ebullitions  of  temper  met  in  a  cool, 
calm,  polite  tone  of  gentle  inquiry  into  their  griev- 
ances. It  disconcerts  them  and  robs  them  of 
their  accustomed  weapons.  Chesterfield  says  that 
"  Politeness  is  one's  best  defence  against  other 
people's  manners." 


ETIQUETTE     FOR      ALL     OCCASIONS 

This  attitude  is,  of  course,  only  possible  when 
one  has  one's  own  temper  well  in  hand,  and  our 
ascendency  is  at  an  end  if  we  are  seen  to  lose  our 
equanimity.  It  is  better  to  fly  incontinently  from 
the  scene  and  wait  until  one  can  reprimand  in  a 
judicial  spirit,  rather  than  descend  to  their  level 
and  give  angry  look  for  look  and  word  for  word. 

When  engaging  a  servant,  one  should  exact  a 
reliable  reference,  and  when  possible  see  the  last 

employer  personally.     The  character  of 
ngagmg  ^e   j&  ,      W^Q      •    £S   tjie   «<  character  "  is 
a  servant 

not  unimportant.     Servants  should  be 

told  exactly  what  is  to  be  expected  of  them.  If 
one  tries  to  make  the  work  appear  as  easy  as  pos- 
sible, it  is  often  misleading,  and  the  servants  are 
disappointed  and  grow  dissatisfied.  One  trouble 
comes  from  the  fact  that  our  housewives  are  not 
business  women. 

When  a  maid  newly  enters  one's  service,  one 
cannot  but  sympathize  with  the  loneliness  insep- 
arable from  new  faces  and  surroundings, 

the  critical  focussing  of  many  pairs  of 
beginning  *    r 

eyes,  and  the  consciousness  of  being 
judged  by  trifles.  It  is  but  right  for  the  mistress 
to  express  her  hope,  in  pleasant,  cordial  tones,  that 
she  may  be  happy  in  the  household,  and  give  her 
in  charge  of  some  special  fellow-servant,  with 
instructions  to  "  make  her  feel  at  home."  Her 
duties  should  be  defined  as  clearly  as  possible, 
leaving  one's  self,  however,  a  loophole  of  escape 
from  iron-bound  rules,  by  telling  the  girl  that 
472 


SERVANTS 


whatever  she  is  asked  to  do  is  her  work.  This 
also  binds  the  mistress  to  fairness  and  considera- 
tion, and  to  see  that  others  do  not  impose  upon 
her.  All  should  be  in  order  before  she  comes. 
A  paper  of  written  instructions,  given  at  the  out- 
set, helps  servants  to  systematize  their  work  and 
relieves  untrained  ones  especially  of  the  feeling  of 
vague  uncertainty  about  what  is  expected  of  them. 
It  is  wise  to  assure  them  that  the  faithful  perform- 
ance of  their  duties  will  always  be  noted  and 
appreciated,  securing  the  good-will  and  friendship 
of  their  mistress  that  may  be  of  service  even  in 
after  years,  and  also  to  warn  them  plainly,  but 
kindly,  at  the  beginning  that  their  reference  when 
they  leave  will  be  frank  and  honest,  —  that  no 
untruths  will  be  told  to  palliate  their  faults  of  dis- 
position or  neglect  of  duty.  Employers  are  often 
so  eager  to  rid  themselves  of  an  undesirable  ser- 
vant, that  they  will  "  stretch  a  point "  in  the 
recommendation,  in  order  to  throw  the  burden  on 
some  one  else,  who  maybe  already  carrying  heavy 
ones.  This  is  surely  fraudulent  dealing  with  our 
neighbor. 

As  soon  as  new  servants  come  to  the  house, 
their  full  names  and  home  addresses  should  be 
registered,  in  case  of  sudden  illness  or  death. 
They  dislike  very  much  the  idea  of  being  sent  to 
a  hospital  among  strangers.  I  heard  of  a  case 
where  a  girl  died  suddenly  at  a  house  where  she 
had  lived  two  years,  without  her  mistress  even 
knowing  her  full  name. 

473 


ETIQUETTE     FOR      ALL      OCCASIONS 

It  is  generally  understood  that  after  a  week's 
trial  the  employer  is  able  to  judge  whether  or  not 
the  servant  is  likely  to  suit  the  require- 
ment  °f  the  place.  If,  after  that,  he  or 
she  is  discharged  before  the  month  is 
up,  the  servant  is  entitled  to  the  wages  for  the 
entire  month,  and  from  four  days  to  a  week's 
notice  that  the  service  will  not  be  longer  required. 
Should  servants  choose  to  leave  suddenly  of  their 
own  accord  before  the  month  has  expired,  their 
wages  would  be  forfeited  for  the  unserved  time. 
It  is  a  manifest  truism,  of  course,  that  the  mis- 
tress of  a  house  should  know  how  work  ought  to 

be  done,  and  how  to  guide  her  servants 
The 
mistress    to  'ts  satisfactory  accomplishment.    The 

age  of  model  housekeepers  is  not  now, 
however,  and  to  those  who  know  themselves  defi- 
cient it  is  wise  not  to  assume  a  virtue  if  they  have 
it  not.  Humbug  in  any  form  invites  contempt. 
It  will  impose  upon  no  one  for  long,  and  one 
figures  in  a  somewhat  ridiculous  light  before  one's 
servants  when,  unconsciously  to  us,  they  see 
through  the  sham. 

It  would  be  wiser  to  overlook  the  work  as  a 
learner,  and  frankly  admit  that  one  wants  to  see 
how  the  work  should  be  done.  It  usually  spurs 
them  to  painstaking  effort,  and  the  assurance  of 
one's  confidence  in  their  ability  incites  even 
slightly  conscientious  persons  to  do  their  best 
for  a  time.  Later,  one  is  qualified  to  judge  them 
by  their  own  standards. 

474 


SERVANTS 


The  work  should  be  fairly  divided.  The  com- 
parative liberty  of  some  servants  is  a  source  of 
envy  and  jealousy  to  others.  Systematic  methods 
will  give  them  the  often  much-needed  rest. 

When  a  woman  knows  how  work  should  be 
done  and  how  to  direct  others,  it  is  often  wise  to 
let  servants  do  their  own  way  at  first,  and,  if  not 
satisfactory,  they  may  be  instructed,  —  not  arbi- 
trarily, but  patiently,  showing  them  the  advantages 
of  the  new  method.  Nagging  surveillance  will 
spoil  a  good  servant. 

Commendation  for  some  particular  thing  well 
done  often  insures  its  continued  performance. 
There  is  no  one  but  the  mistress  to  say  the 
pleasant  word  of  praise  that  we  all  crave  and 
enjoy.  It  gives  a  marvellous  incentive  to  deserve 
the  continued  good  opinion  of  those  whom  we 
think  we  have  pleased. 

Praise  for  something  well-done  is  often  a  tactful 
preface  to  fault-finding  about  things  ill  done. 

If  regarded  as  worthy  of  confidence,  servants, 
like  the  rest  of  humanity,  are  more  likely  to  de- 
serve it.  They  should  have  the  same  benefit  of 
the  doubt,  at  least,  that  the  law  accords  to  crimi- 
nals,—  that  they  are  innocent  until  proved  guilty; 
in  other  words,  that  they  are  competent,  likable, 
and  satisfactory  until  they  prove  themselves  other- 
wise. A  good  mistress  is  even  and  just  in  her 
management,  not  overlooking  faults  when  in  ami- 
able mood  and  magnifying  them  in  moments  of 
annoyance. 

475 


ETIQUETTE     FOR     ALL     OCCASIONS 

Servants  are  apt  to  copy  the  manners  of  their 
employers.  If  the  heads  of  the  house  are  courte- 
ous or  brusque,  so  are  the  servants  likely  to  be. 

"  Please,"  either  expressed  or  implied  in  the 
tone  of  voice,  should  frequently  preface  an  order, 
and  "  Thank  you,"  acknowledge  its  execution  if  it 
is  some  personal  service,  and  to  wish  them  a  pleas- 
ant "good-morning"  has  a  distinct  educational 
value.  Children  should  be  required  to  ask  for  any 
special  service  courteously,  not  demand  it,  and  their 
reasonable  requests  should  be  granted. 

Scolding,  when  irritated,  never  does  any  good 
except  as  an  ignoble  vent  to  one's  feelings.  An- 
ger is  contagious,  and  a  sharp  reprimand  often 
seems  to  cancel  the  fault  in  the  opinion  of  the 
delinquent,  especially  if  given  in  the  presence  of 
others,  which  is  always  a  mistake.  One  should 
not  blame  unduly  for  accidents,  but  require  that 
they  be  reported  at  once.  A  self-respecting  mis- 
tress does  not  discuss  her  affairs  with  her  servants, 
nor  listen  to  their  gossip  about  other  households. 

When  possible,  each  servant   should    have    her 

own  room,  or  at  least  her  own  bureau  and  part 

The       °f  a  cl°set-     A  maid's  bedroom  is  an 

servants'   important  factor  in  her  education  as  a 
rooms     household  servant.     It  should  not  only 
be    neat,    comfortable,    and    decently    furnished, 
but  made  home-like,  showing  a  personal  thought 
for    her  pleasure,  on    the    part    of    her    mistress, 
that    stirs  warm    and    kindly    impulses,  likely   to 
express  themselves  in  dutiful  service. 
476 


SERVANTS 


If  servants  are  engaged  monthly,  they  should  be 
paid  promptly  on  the  day  that  the  wages  are  due. 

If  each  one's  account  is  kept  in  a  blank  ^,, 

The  rights 

book,  and  shown  at  each  payment,  there  and  privi- 
will  never  be  any  confusion  about  the    le§es  of 
amount  due.    Some  mistresses  require 
the  servant's  signature  at  each  payment  of  wages. 

One  often  hears  servants  blamed  for  ingratitude 
when  they  leave  a  good  home  for  a  place  where 
slightly  higher  wages  may  be  secured.  It  is  a  flaw 
in  the  make-up  of  many  of  us  that  self-interest  is 
paramount  to  other  considerations. 

These  people  have  but  one  life  to  live,  and  a 
woman  relying  for  support  solely  upon  her  own 
exertions  has  many  dark  possibilities  to  face. 

Parents  are  dependent  upon  them,  sickness  may 
come,  and  old  age  must  be  provided  for.  Often 
an  extra  dollar  a  month  means  greater  ability  to 
keep  those  who  are  dear,  sometimes  only  the  op- 
portunity for  more  fuss  and  feathers  upon  the 
Sunday  bonnet,  for  Bridget  has  her  reputation  as 
a  woman  of  fashion  to  sustain  among  her  peers, 
as  well  as  her  mistress,  and  dress  seemingly  has 
an  allurement  for  the  sex  irrespective  of  class 
distinctions. 

It  is  the  grievance  of  some  mistresses  that  their 
servants  are  quarrelsome.  It  is  not  to  be  won- 
dered at,  upon  reflection.  Taken  promiscuously 
from  many  homes,  with  different  training,  dispo- 
sitions, even  nationalities,  we  expect  them  to  live 
and  work  together  in  harmony.  We  sometimes  find 
477 


ETIQUETTE      FOR      ALL      OCCASIONS 

it  hard  to  live  with  uncongenial  people,  even  with 
our  superior  wisdom  and  philosophy. 

Many  never  go  out  by  daylight,  except  on  an 
occasional  Sunday,  and  no  wonder  that  the  heat  of 
the  kitchen  fire  is  sometimes  communicated  to  the 
temper. 

Where  a  little  pleasure  is  brought  within  their 
reach,  to  be  enjoyed  together, — the  bad  humors 
often  vanish  like  mist  before  sunshine.  Nothing  so 
quickly  promotes  reciprocal  kindness  of  feeling  as 
a  community  of  enjoyment.  A  few  fifty-cent  tick- 
ets to  some  show  or  a  summer  afternoon's  outing 
has  often  exorcised  the  worst  of  humors  and  turned 
foes  into  friends. 

The  old  adage  about  "  All  work  and  no  play  "  is 
as  true  of  them  as  of  the  rest  of  us.  They  should 
be  allowed  part  of  a  day  each  week,  or  some  stated 
time,  for  recreation,  and  part  of  every  second  Sun- 
day, with  which  nothing  should  be  allowed  to 
interfere,  except  in  extreme  cases,  when  its  relin- 
quishment  should  be  accepted  as  a  favor. 

The  house  or  kitchen  is  the  servants'  workshop, 
and  they  naturally  wish  to  take  their  pleasure  else- 
where. Then,  too,  they  have  their  troubles,  home 
anxieties,  ill-health,  that  they  must  hide  or  risk  the 
loss  of  their  place,  dependence  upon  the  wills  (some- 
times the  moods)  of  others.  These  things  sadden 
and  sour  the  disposition,  if  there  is  no  relief  in 
some  little  recreation. 

Many  of  them  are  young,  with  youth's  natural 
craving  for  pleasure.    It  is  natural  that  they  should 
478 


SERVANTS 


try  to  get  amusement,  too,  when  they  see  the 
young  ladies  of  the  house  often  living  for  little 
else. 

I  think  that  some  room  (perhaps  the  front  base- 
ment) should  be  set  apart  for  their  use,  comfortably 
furnished  with  lounge,  rocking-chairs,  a  lamp  or 
drop-light,  and  provided  with  games,  last  month's 
magazines,  and  a  little  library  of  entertaining 
books.  Here  they  should  be  allowed  to  receive  their 
friends  as  long  as  they  behave  quietly  and  prop- 
erly. Men  friends?  Yes.  Why  should  we  drive 
young  girls  out  of  the  safe  shelter  of  the  home, 
to  meet  their  lovers  in  the  streets  and  parks? 

A  good  mistress  will  speak  a  kindly  word  to  her 
maids,  as  between  woman  and  woman,  when  occa- 
sion seems  to  call  for  it.  She  will  be  sympathetic 
in  their  troubles,  show  an  interest  in  their  health,  in 
the  investment  of  their  savings,  and  respect  their 
religious  views. 

Every  servant  in  the  household  should  be  given 
time  to  attend  church  on  Sunday. 

When  the  house  is  left  in  the  charge  of  servants, 
they  are  entitled  to  good  wages.  Responsible  care 
deserves  payment  as  well  as  manual  labor.  If  the 
house  is  closed  and  one  wishes  to  retain  their  ser- 
vices, a  definite  arrangement  should  be  made  to 
that  effect.  To  promise  to  "  do  what  is  right " 
by  another  may  lead  to  misunderstanding,  owing 
to  different  standpoints. 

If  one  servant  wants  special  help  from  another, 
the  request  should  be  made  to  the  mistress,  who 
479 


ETIQUETTE     FOR     ALL     OCCASIONS 

gives  the  order  to  the  servant.  It  saves  much 
friction  to  avoid  sending  orders  by  one  servant  to 
another. 

Servants  should  be  well  supplied  with  the  uten- 
sils to  facilitate  their  work.  It  is  often  ill-done 
because  of  the  lack  of  proper  implements.  Like 
children,  they  may  clamor  loudly  for  the  redress 
of  some  trifling  grievance,  but  submit  with  patient 
dumbness  to  real  hardships  and  handicaps  which 
seem  to  go  so  often  with  undeveloped  intellects. 
In  well-regulated  households  there  is  a  special  day 
set  apart  for  each  special  work,  and  everything 
done  in  its  order. 

"  Trained  "  servants,  in  this  country,  are  as  rare 
as  they  are  delightful.     Their  manner  is  reticent 
Well_       and  respectful.     They  never  speak  un- 
trained    less   they   are   spoken   to,   without  the 
servants     preliminary     "  I    beg    your     pardon." 
They    stand,    until    invited    to    speak    by    being 
asked     what    they    want.      Every    order    is    ac- 
knowledged  by  a  respectful  "  Yes,    sir,  "    "  Yes, 
ma'am,"  or  "madam,"  if  accustomed  to    a   little 
more   ceremony.     "  All  right "  from  a  servant   is 
insufferably    rude.     They  address    their    employ- 
ers and  their    friends  in    the    third    person,    and 
preface   the   names  of    the  younger    members  of 
the    household    by  "  Miss  "  or  "  Master."      Their 
work  is  done  with  thoroughness,  but  the  worker 
is   little    in    evidence.     There    are    no    obtrusive 
brushes  and   brooms.     They   tread  lightly,    close 
doors   quietly,  their  voices   are  heard  only  when 
480 


SERVANTS 


necessary.  With  the  wooden  decorum  that  is  the 
glory  of  an  English  servant  we  can  dispense,  but 
a  well-trained  butler  or  maid  never  appears  to 
hear  or  heed  the  conversation  at  table.  The 
women  servants  wear  no  gewgaws,  no  jewelry; 
their  dress  is  neat,  plain,  and  appropriate.  The 
men  are  clean-shaven. 

In  households  where  the  servants  are  properly 
trained,  no  one  of  them  will  sit  in  the  presence  of 
a  member  of  the  family  or  their  friends.  Whether 
addressed  or  not,  they  rise  at  the  appearance  of  all 
but  the  young  children.  They  do  not  enter  a  room 
without  knocking.  They  present  cards  and  small 
parcels  upon  a  tray,  never  in  the  hand.  When 
visitors  are  about  to  leave  the  house,  the  butler 
or  waitress  is  on  the  alert  to  open  the  door  for 
them,  and  closes  it  only  when  they  have  descended 
the  steps. 

The  men  belonging  to  the  service  of  the  garden 
or  stable  touch  their  hats  or  their  foreheads  with 
the  two  first  fingers  of  the  right  hand,  when  ad- 
dressed and  again  when  acknowledging  an  order. 

The  women-servants  should  be  called  "  maids," 
not  "  girls."  Some  mistresses  make  no  distinction 
between  their  daughters  and  their  maid-servants. 
One  speaks  too  of  "  housemaids,"  not  "  chamber- 
maids," which  suggest  a  hotel  or  a  steamboat,  as 
"waiter"  recalls  a  restaurant,  and  "  waiter-man" 
relegates  one  to  a  distance  beyond  the  social  pale. 
"  Butler  "  and  "  footman  "  are  the  correct  terms. 
It  is  the  sum  of  such  trifles  that  marks  the  dif- 
31  481 


ETIQUETTE     FOR      ALL     OCCASIONS 

ference  between  good-breeding  and  the  lack 
of  it. 

Diminutives  of  the  names  of  servants  should 
never  be  used.  In  England  the  head  maids  are 
called  by  their  surnames,  but  they  have  the  ad- 
vantage of  us.  "  Parker,"  "  Carter,"  is  not  un- 
pleasing  to  the  ear,  but  to  avoid  a  possible 
"  O'Shaunessy  "  or  "  O'Flaherty,"  we  keep  on  the 
safe  ground  of  the  simpler  baptismal  names,  and 
anything  savoring  of  affectation  is  not  good  form. 

It  is  the  proper  courtesy  to  the  servants  of  our 
friends,  who  are  known  to  us,  to  show  them  recog- 

The  at-  nition  by  a  pleasant  greeting,  and  to 
tendants  of  the  nurse  who  shows  a  baby  one  bows 
our  friends  ancj  smiles  before  turning  one's  atten- 
tion to  her  charge. 

The  trained  nurse  of  a  sick  friend  should  also 
receive  a  courteous  word  or  bow  recognizing  her 
presence,  though  she  does  not  come  under  the 
head  of  servant. 

The  nurse  is  the  most  important  servant  in  the 
household.  Patience,  even  temper,  justice,  and  a 
Th  real  love  of  children  are  necessary  quali- 

fications for  the  position,  to  say  nothing 
of  high  moral  character  and  absolute  truthfulness. 
Orderly  or  disorderly  ways  in  the  nursery  often 
leave  their  impression  for  life.  Our  standards  are 
unconsciously  established  very  early.  She  has  the 
entire  responsibility  of  the  children  and  of  the 
mending  and  care  of  their  clothes.  No  nurse 
should  ever  be  authorized  to  punish  a  child.  That 
482 


SERVANTS 


should  be  clearly  understood  to  be  exclusively  the 
parents'  duty. 

A  lady's  maid  should  have  the  entire  charge  of 
the  wardrobe  of  her  mistress,  be   a    deft  needle- 
woman, and  a   fair   "  coiffeuse,"   or   at 
least  know  how  to  care  for  the  hair.     In      maici 
travelling   she   packs  and  unpacks  her 
mistress's  clothes,  and  every  day  assists  her  at  her 
toilets,  lays  forth  the  garments  she  wishes  to  wear, 
draws  her  bath,  goes  upon  errands,  and  keeps  her 
room  tidy,  though  she  takes  no  part  in  the  house- 
work. 

If  attached  to  the  service  of  young  women,  she 
is  expected  to  accompany  them  to  and  from 
dances,  dinners,  etc. 

It  is  the  cook's  responsibility,  not  only  to  pre- 
pare the  meals,  but  to  keep  the  kitchen,  pantries, 

ice-box,  etc.,   perfectly  clean,  to  wash   , 

•     The  cook 
the  dishes  used  at  the  servants    table, 

and  the  platters  and  vegetable  dishes  in  use  upon 
that  of  the  family.  She  answers  the  basement  bell, 
locks  the  door  at  night,  and  is  required  to  keep  all 
her  cooking  utensils  in  perfect  order.  This,  if 
unassisted  by  a  kitchen  maid.  If  the  lady  enter 
the  kitchen,  the  cook  and  all  other  servants  should 
rise  at  her  appearance  and  remain  standing,  —  the 
one  addressed  giving  undivided  attention  to  what 
she  has  to  say. 

The  work  of  a  kitchen  or  scullery  maid   is  to 
keep  the  kitchen  clean,  as  well  as  the  closets,  ice- 
box, and  cooking  utensils.     She  rises  early,  makes 
483 


ETIQUETTE  FOR  ALL  OCCASIONS 

the  fire,  and  gets  the    servants'   breakfast.       She 

often  cooks   all    the  servants'  meals,  answers   the 

The       basement  bell,  washes  the  dishes,  pre- 

kitchen     pares  the  vegetables  for  the  cook,  and 

maid      as  her  assistant    does  whatever   she  in 

reason  requires. 

The  work  of  the  housemaids  is  to  care  for  all 

the    rooms    except    those    on   the    drawing-room 

floor.     Not  only  sweeping  and  dusting 

The  house-  them,  washing    windows    and    cleaning 

maids 

grates,  but  keeping  them  in  constant 
supervision,  that  they  may  never  appear  untidy. 
They  have  charge  of  the  bed-linen.  In  some 
households  they  do  some  mending,  and  in  yet 
more  modest  ones  they  assist  with  the  fine  wash- 
ing. Where  a  waitress  is  kept,  the  housemaid  is 
her  assistant  upon  occasion,  washing  dishes  and 
taking  her  place  when  it  is  her  privilege  to  go 
out. 

The  butler  has  charge   of  the  whole  drawing- 
room    floor,    unless    assisted    by   a   second    man 

or     parlor-maid,     in     which     case     he 
The  butler  r.  .  .    - 

or  waitress  superintends    their    work    of    cleaning 

windows,  sweeping,  dusting,  etc.  He 
is  responsible  for  all,  and  especially  for  the  table 
and  its  appointments,  —  that  the  silver  be  well 
kept,  the  table  properly  and  attractively  set  and 
well  served.  He  waits  upon  the  door-bell  all  day, 
or,  if  he  has  an  assistant,  in  the  afternoon  only.  He 
brings  the  afternoon  tea-tray  to  his  mistress,  and 
to  him  is  often  intrusted  the  care  of  the  wines.  It 
484 


SERVANTS 


is  his  duty  to  lock  the  front  door  at  night  and  to 
sit  up  until  all  the  household  is  within.  He  often 
serves  in  some  measure  as  valet  for  the  master  of 
the  house,  and,  where  he  has  efficient  assistance, 
the  valeting  is  a  part  of  his  regular  duty. 

The  butler  is  called  by  his  last  name,  the  under 
footmen  by  their  Christian  names.  The  more 
responsible  position  is  recognized  by  a  more 
formal  mode  of  address.  He  is  in  large  measure 
responsible  for  the  hospitality  of  the  house.  On 
him  it  depends  that  all  the  guests  are  received 
with  promptness,  courtesy,  and  careful  attention. 
His  dress  and  appearance  will  be  spoken  of  in  the 
ensuing  chapter.  In  rare  cases  he  has  the  charge 
of  the  furnace,  sidewalk,  and  cleaning  the  shoes  of 
the  master. 

The  duties  of  a  waitress  are  the  same  as  those 
of  a  butler,  except  that  valeting  is  not  expected  of 
her. 

The  place  of  the  butler  or  waitress  in  the 
dining-room  is  behind  the  chair  of  the  mistress 
when  not  occupied  in  serving. 

The   second    man   or    footman    is   the    butler's 
assistant.      He   does  the  sweeping  on  the  parlor 
floor,  washes  the  windows,  takes  care  of  Footman 
the  butler's  pantry,  washes  dishes,  and  and  parlor 
answers  the  door-bell,  in  the  morning.       maid 
He  cares  for  the  front  door,  steps,  and  vestibule, 
and  aids   the    butler  in    serving    the    dinner,  and 
the  luncheon   when  required.      The  parlor-maid's 
duties    are    the    same.      When    the    second    man 
485 


ETIQUETTE     FOR      ALL     OCCASIONS 

appears  on  the  box  of  the  carriage  of  his  mistress, 
his  service  is  required  only  in  the  afternoon,  and 
then  generally  for  the  purpose  of  card-leaving  or 
when  she  pays  visits.  He  is  then  not  the  coach- 
man's assistant,  but  the  lady's  special  servant,  and 
is  called  a  footman,  —  his  duties,  however,  are 
those  of  a  carriage-groom  when  in  attendance  upon 
a  carriage. 

A  valet  is  his  master's  body-servant.     His  prin- 
cipal duties  are  the  care  of  his  employer's  ward- 
robe and  toilet ;   he  draws  his  bath,  lays 
The  valet  / 

out   his    clothes,  and   waits    upon    him 

until  he  leaves  the  house.  Some  men  require  their 
valets  to  shave  them.  The  valet  is  occupied 
during  the  day  in  doing  errands,  paying  bills, 
pressing  and  caring  for  his  master's  clothes,  or 
whatever  is  required  of  him.  In  travelling,  he 
packs  and  unpacks  the  trunks  and  satchels,  checks 
the  luggage,  buys  the  tickets,  and  carries  the  small 
"  impedimenta."  In  Europe  he  travels  second 
class,  and  in  this  country  is  never  given  a  place  in 
a  drawing-room  car.  Sometimes  a  capable  and 
obliging  valet  performs  the  duties  of  a  butler, 
especially  in  a  bachelor's  establishment. 

A   page,  or  "  buttons,"  waits   upon   the   door, 
runs    errands,    sometimes    appears    on 
16  page  the  box  of  a  carriage,  but  never  serves 
at  table. 

i 

The  position  of  coachman  is  a  responsible  one. 
The   health   and   condition    of    the   horses,    their 
grooming  and   shoeing,  the  care  and  appearance 
486 


SERVANTS 


of  the    carriages,  harness,   and  saddles,  the  state 
of  the  stables,  are  among  his  personal  duties,  or 

the  rough  work  is  done  by  the  grooms 

.  The 

and  stable-men  who  are  under  his  or-  coachman 

ders.  He  drives  his  employers  when- 
ever and  wherever  it  is  their  pleasure  to  go,  and 
should  familiarize  himself  with  the  routes  in  the 
country  and  the  streets,  shops,  and  favorite  resorts 
in  town  of  the  family  with  whom  he  has  taken 
service. 

While  on  the  box,  his  attention  should  be  wholly 
given  to  his  horses.  He  sits  erect,  his  shoulders 
well  back,  his  feet  together.  Should  his  employers 
or  their  friends  give  him  a  word  or  smile  of  greet- 
ing, he  responds  only  by  touching  his  hat,  which 
he  repeats  in  recognition  of  an  order,  unless 
transmitted  through  another  servant.  The  coach- 
man's dress  and  appearance  will  be  considered  in 
the  next  chapter.  Where  no  groom  is  kept,  a 
coachman  must  in  addition  to  his  other  duties 
be  a  species  of  outside  general  servant,  calling 
for  orders  every  morning,  and  doing  such  errands 
as  may  be  required  that  will  not  conflict  with  the 
performance  of  his  stable  service. 

A  carriage  groom  is  the  coachman's  first  assist- 
ant in  the  stables  and  takes  his  orders  from  him. 
In  the  country  he  often  drives  the 

TT^ 

smaller   traps  or  sits   behind   his  mas-    grooms 
ter  or  mistress  should  one  of  them  hold 
the  reins.     He  also  rides  behind  the  ladies  in  the 
parks  or  on  country  roads,  and  should  therefore  be 
487 


ETIQUETTE     FOR     ALL     OCCASIONS 

an  experienced  horseman.  In  a  crowded  street  his 
place  should  be  close  behind  his  mistress,  while  in 
the  park  or  the  country  he  falls  farther  back,  but 
never  beyond  easy  call.  He  should  look  straight 
before  him,  never  appearing  to  notice  what  goes 
on  around  him. 

When  in  attendance  on  a  carriage,  as  it  stands 
before  the  door,  he  stands  beside  it.  He  touches 
his  hat  at  the  appearance  of  his  mistress,  opens  the 
carriage  door  for  her,  places  the  robe  over  her  lap, 
touches  his  hat  in  recognition  of  her  order,  and 
again  as  he  turns  away  after  closing  the  carriage 
door,  and  repeats  her  order  to  the  coachman. 
When  the  carriage  stops  before  a  private  house, 
he  springs  lightly  and  promptly  to  the  ground, 
runs  up  the  steps,  rings  the  bell,  and  returning  to 
the  carriage,  opens  the  door,  touches  his  hat,  and 
awaits  orders.  When  the  carriage  stops  before  a 
shop,  church,  or  at  a  house  where  a  reception  is  in 
progress,  he  does  not  mount  again  to  the  box 
after  opening  the  door  for  his  mistress,  but  waits 
her  return  on  the  sidewalk,  ready  to  signal  for  the 
advance  of  the  carriage  when  she  appears. 

When  in  attendance  on  a  trap  driven  by  his 
master  or  mistress,  the  groom  stands  at  the  horses' 
heads  until  the  driver  is  seated  and  ready,  when  he 
mounts  behind,  holding  himself  upright  with  folded 
arms.  The  under  grooms  do  the  work  of  the  sta- 
ble, but  do  not  drive. 

A  bachelor  establishment  is  sometimes  well 
served  by  a  capable  woman  or  man,  who  is  general 
488 


SERVANTS 


factotum,  doing  the  cooking,  caring  for  the  apart- 
ment, doing  the  valeting,  and   waiting         A 

at  table.  bachelor's 

Others  employ  a  man   and  his  wife.    servants 
The  former  does  the  valeting,  and  is  steward  and 
butler ;  the   woman    attends   to  the  cooking,  the 
laundry,  and  makes  up  the  bed. 

Sometimes  two  or  three  bachelors  club  together, 
and  have  servants  in  common. 

When  a  groom  is  kept,  his  duties  do  not  differ 
from  the  service  required  of  him  by  others,  except 
that  a  bachelor's  turnout  and  servants  are  expected 
to  be  faultlessly  neat,  and  if  plain  are  thought  to  be 
in  the  better  taste. 


489 


Chapter  Thirty-fifth— SERVANTS' 
DRESS 

[HERE  are  certain  fixed  rules  which 
good  taste  recognizes  and  imposes 
in  the  matter  of  servants'  attire. 

Housemaids  wear  print  gowns  in 
the    morning,  and    in  some   house- 
holds,   even    in    the    afternoon,  black    gowns   are 
not  always  insisted  upon.    With  the  print  gown  is 
worn  a  plain  white  apron,  without  bib  or  bretelles, 
House-    l°n£  enough  to  extend  to  the  hem   of 
maid's     the  gown.     The  strings  are  tied  at  the 
dress      back    in   a  full  bow  with    ends.      The 
model    of    the  gown    is  very    plain,    with    simple 
white    linen    collar.      The   cap  is  a  three-cornered 
bit  of  Swiss  muslin,  tucked,  embroidered,  or  plain, 
with    a   ruching   around   it.      The  hair  is  plainly 
arranged  without  curl  or  bang. 

The  waitress  and  parlor-maid    also  wear  print 

gowns   until    noon,  but   they  are    exchanged    for 

Waitress   black  ones  before  serving  the  luncheon. 

and  parlor-  The  cap  is  a  smart  little  affair  with  black 

maid      velvet  bow.     The  ample  apron,  with  or 

without    bib   and    bretelles,    a    deep    turned-over 

linen  collar   and  cuffs   to    match,    give    an  air  of 

extreme  neatness.     This  costume  is  the  woman's 

equivalent  for  a  "  dress-suit."     Of  course  no  stock 

49° 


SERVANT  S'     DRESS 


or  ribbon  is  allowable.  The  aprons,  caps,  collars, 
and  cuffs  are  provided  by  the  employer.  In  some 
cases  the  black  gown  is  also  furnished. 

Shirt  waists  and  dark  skirts  are  not  permissible. 
In  the  street  maids  are  expected  to  dress  quietly. 
Those  belonging  to  the  best  houses  wear  small 
bonnets  and  dark  gowns.  Jewelry  and  any  ex- 
aggeration of  fashion  mark  a  servant  as  "  second- 
class." 

The  fashion  of  recent  years  is  to  dress  the 
infant's  nurse  according  to  the  French  "  nou-nou  " 
costume.  A  wide  circular  cloak  of 
gray  or  black  cloth  is  worn  in  the  street,  dress 
and  the  large  cap  which  covers  the  head 
has  around  it  a  full  ruching  of  wide  ribbon  with 
long  ends.  In  the  house  the  nurse  wears  the 
same  style  of  cap  but  without  the  ribbons,  a  print 
gown,  and  a  large  apron  with  bretelles.  When 
fashion,  however,  comes  into  conflict  with  sterling 
qualities,  fashion  goes  to  the  wall,  but  personal 
neatness  should  be  insisted  upon.  Many  persons 
now  have  trained  nurses  from  the  hospitals  for 
little  babies.  They  ask  but  the  usual  nurse's 
wages  for  the  first  two  years  after  leaving  the 
training-school,  and  wear  the  costume  of  their 
order. 

Children's  nurses  and  ladies'  maids  wear  black 
gowns  with  small  white  aprons ;  they  do  not  wear 
caps. 

The  cook's  appearance  should  be  conspicuous 
for  its   neatness.     Whether  she  goes   upstairs  to 
491 


ETIQUETTE      FOR     ALL     OCCASIONS 

her  mistress  for  her  daily  orders  or  receives  that 

lady's  visit  in   the  kitchen,  she  should 

Cook's  *  .    ,  , 

dress      wear   a   c'ean    Pnnt   gown    and   ample 
apron,  with  hair  tightly  and   neatly  ar- 
ranged. 

A  butler  should  be  clean-shaven ;  a  moustache  is 
not  tolerated,  and  his  hands  and  nails  should 

Butler's  ^e  we^  kept  and  immaculately  clean, 
dress  and  Gloves  are  no  longer  worn.  The  shaving 
appearance  jnsures  careful  bathing  and  cleansing, 
and  gives  a  pleasant  impression  of  good  grooming 
and  personal  attention.  A  bit  of  short  side 
whisker,  closely  cut,  is  permissible  for  a  butler, 
particularly  for  an  elderly  man. 

In  the  morning,  until  after  luncheon,  a  black 
suit  with  jacket  is  permissible  for  the  butler,  but 
not  so  correct  as  the  Tuxedo  coat  and  low  waist- 
coat, with  black  tie,  shoes  light  enough  to  insure 
a  noiseless  step,  no  rings,  no  watch-chain  visible, 
and  with  studs  and  sleeye-buttons  of  plain  mother- 
of-pearl. 

When  there  are  guests  at  luncheon,  a  butler 
should  be  dressed  in  the  same  manner  as  when 
opening  the  door  for  afternoon  calls  or  serving 
at  dinner, —  a  swallow-tail  coat,  black  waistcoat 
(never  a  white  one),  and  white  tie.  The  butler  is 
not  expected  to  open  the  door,  by  the  way,  in  case 
a  second  man  is  kept. 

The  butler  usually  waits  alone  on  the  table   at 
breakfast  and  luncheon.     The  second  man   wears 
at  luncheon   when    there    are    guests,    at   dinner, 
492 


SERVANT  S'     DRESS 


and  under  all  circumstances  after  noon,  what  looks 
like  a  dress-coat ;   it  is  very  like  it  in  cut,  but  it  is 

never  black,  except  in  case  of  mourn- 

,  f  ,     ,          ,  ,  .    ,      Footman's 

ing,  but  of  some  dark  color,  cut  high,       dress 

showing  a  waistcoat  of  striped  Valencia, 
trousers  like  the  coat,  piped  to  match  the  waist- 
coat. Brass  or  silver  buttons  ornament  the  front, 
cuffs,  and  tails  of  the  coat.  The  coat-collar  may 
be  of  velvet  or  not;  white  linen  standing  collar, 
with  white  tie. 

If  one  has  not  a  second  man  and  wishes  to  put 
the  butler  on  a  lady's  carriage  for  calling  or  driv- 
ing in  the  park,  he  should  wear  the  second  man's 
livery,  with  white  gloves  and  silk  hat;  in  cold 
weather  a  greatcoat  to  match  that  worn  by  the 
coachman.  This  coat  is  kept  in  the  house,  not  the 
stable,  as  should  be  all  rugs  used  by  ladies. 

Certain  establishments  with  more  than  the  aver- 
age regard  for  form  and  English  precedent 
put  their  house  footmen  in  what  is  termed  a  court 
coat,  suitable  to  be  worn  with  knee-breeches  and 
buckles,  a  plush  waistcoat,  low-buckled  shoes,  and 
black  silk  stockings.  All  the  men-servants  of  the 
house  should  wear  the  same  livery. 

A  page  should  wear  the  "  Buttons  "  suit.  The 
name  comes  from  the  nineteen  bullet-shaped 
buttons  used  on  the  coat.  The  livery  is 

of  colored  cloth  with  pipings  of  a  con-       *ge  s 

dress 
trasting   color.     The   collar   should    be 

high  and  white ;   white  tie,  and  a  cap  to  match  the 
suit,  when  running  errands. 
493 


ETIQUETTE      FOR     ALL      OCCASIONS 

The  valet  wears  no  livery  unless  when  filling 
the  r6le  of  butler,  when  he  would  dress  as  does 

that  functionary.     Ordinarily  he  wears 
Valet's 
,  a  sacque  suit    of  dark  tweeds,  with    a 

Derby  hat    in    the  street,  adding   dark 
gloves  when  travelling. 

Livery,  though  dating  from  the  days  when  the 

,     family  retainers  were  dressed  for  battle, 
Livery  for  J 

coachman  tourney,  and  crusade  in  the  distinctive 

and        dress  of  their  feudal  lords,  has  its  place 

carnage    m  Qur  mocjern  }jfe    ancj  good  form  pre- 

groom 

scribes  hard  and  fast  rules  for  its  use. 

The  coachman's  body-coat,  single-breasted  and 
buttoned  high,  varies  in  length  according  to 
whether  it  be  worn  with  breeches  or  trousers.  If 
with  breeches,  its  length  is  determined  by  the 
reach  of  the  man's  arm  hanging  at  his  side,  his 
third  finger  extended  marks  its  edge.  If  worn 
with  trousers,  it  should  reach  to  about  three  inches 
above  the  knee.  The  groom's  coat  is  two  inches 
shorter  than  that  of  the  coachman,  in  either  case. 
The  coachman's  coat  has  side  flap  pockets  to  dis- 
tinguish it  from  that  of  the  groom,  his  servant,  and 
but  four  buttons  on  the  tails  instead  of  the  groom's 
six,  —  two  at  the  waist  and  two  at  the  end  of  the 
coat-tail;  the  intermediate  pair  are  omitted,  as  the 
coachman  does  not  leave  his  seat,  and,  useless  for 
ornament,  they  would  but  wear  the  seat  covering. 

The  color  of  the  livery  must  match  the  carriage 
linings,  and  the  buttons  should  be  of  the  same 
metal  as  are  the  trimmings  of  the  harness,  except 
494 


SERVANT  S'     DRESS 


in  case  of  mourning  livery,  when  the  buttons  are 
of  black  cloth.  The  coats  may  have  velvet  collars 
of  black  or  a  dark  color  matching  or  contrasting 
well  with  the  cloth. 

The  "  Handbook  of  Heraldry  "  condemns  crest 
or  monogram  on  the  buttons.  They  should  be 
either  plain,  or  charged  with  the  master's  badge. 

Shoulder-knots  and  cockades  on  the  hats  are 
allowable  only  for  servants  of  army  or  naval 
officers  and  members  of  the  diplomatic  corps. 
Trousers  matching  the  coat  are  always  in  good 
taste,  preferable  at  night  or  in  stormy  weather,  but 
not  so  "  smart  "  as  top-boots  and  breeches.  The 
latter  are  made  of  stockingette  or  buckskin,  tech- 
nically called  "  leathers."  The  boots  are  of  heavy 
calfskin,  with  broad  soles,  the  tops  usually  col- 
ored a  rich  tan  or  mahogany  —  sometimes  of 
pink  or  white  ooze  skin,  when  the  servants  are  in 
attendance  upon  a  lady's  carriage. 

The  waistcoat,  ordinarily  made  of  striped  va- 
lencia,  is  often  simulated  by  having  a  separate  strip 
of  the  goods  sewed  inside  the  collar  of  the  body- 
coat,  and  a  heavy  frieze  wool-lined  waistcoat  is 
worn  in  winter.  Some  persons  prefer  that  great- 
coats be  worn  only  when  necessary,  —  body-coats 
being  thought  much  smarter,  —  but  these  consid- 
erations are  not  only  trivial  but  culpable  where  the 
health  and  comfort  of  the  men  are  concerned. 

The  washable,  white,  plain  linen  plastron  is  worn 
with  a  collar  that  stands  an  inch  and  a  quarter 
above  the  livery  coat.  A  "  horsey "  scarf-pin, 
495 


ETIQUETTE     FOR     ALL     OCCASIONS 

some  persons  think,  lends  a  certain  finish,  but 
coachman  and  groom  must  be  dressed  exactly 
alike.  A  silk  hat  and  loose  tan  or  white  buckskin 
gloves  complete  the  costume. 

The  greatcoat  for  coachmen  is  double-breasted, 
and  should  reach  to  three  inches  above  the  ankle, 
except  when  wearing  breeches,  when  it  should  be 
somewhat  shorter.  That  of  the  groom  should  not 
exceed  in  length  a  point  beyond  five  inches 
below  the  knee,  to  facilitate  ease  and  quickness  of 
movement  in  jumping  on  and  off  the  box.  Coach- 
man and  groom  should  be  clean  shaven  and 
freshly  shaven.  A  coachman  may  wear  short 
"  tabs." 

A  pad-groom's  body-coat  should  be  longer  in 
the  body,  and  the  skirts  twelve  inches  above  the 
top-button  of  the  breeches.  A  brown  leather  belt 
two  and  a  half  inches  wide,  finished  with  a  square 
bar  buckle  matching  the  livery  buttons,  is  worn 
around  the  waist.  The  overcoats  or  dummy  box- 
coats,  folded  and  hanging  collar  down  from  the 
back  of  the  seat,  the  men  sitting  on  the  skirts,  are 
not  in  favor,  but  are  very  occasionally  used  with  a 
lady's  open  carriage. 

Mackintoshes  should  be  of  cloth  texture,  single- 

7  O 

breasted,  with  side  flap  pockets,  with  hat-cover  to 
match.  Knit  gloves  are  best  for  stormy  weather. 
A  large  umbrella  should  always  be  carried  with  a 
brougham,  underneath  the  skirt  of  the  seat,  ready 
for  instant  use.  The  aprons  and  robes  should  be 
lined  with  plain  colored  cloths.  The  silver  medal- 
496 


SERVANT  S'     DRESS 


lion  placed  in  the  centre  of  the  top  is  not  only  for 
ornament.  To  its  under  side  is  attached  a  strap 
which  is  fastened  to  the  seat  rail,  holding  the  robe 
in  place  while  the  groom  jumps  on  and  off  the 
carriage.  The  aprons  should  match  the  carriage 
lining.  Those  used  for  four-in-hand  or  tandem 
driving  should  strap  around  the  waist,  and  reach 
only  to  the  ankle  when  standing. 

Bearskin  furs  wear  the  best.  The  cap  is  round 
in  shape,  the  cape  should  reach  the  elbow :  the 
gloves  gauntlets. 

In  summer  the  undress  livery  is  worn 

,  .  Summer 

except    upon  a  victoria,  brougham,  or      iivery 

landau. 

Undress  livery  is  made  of  whipcord,  into  either 
a  suit  with  jacket,  or  a  coat  with  flap  pockets 
rather  short.  Trousers  or  breeches  and  leggins 
may  be  worn  with  either  jacket  or  coat.  The  leg- 
gins  may  be  of  whipcord,  pig-skin,  or  box-cloth. 

A  brown  square  hat  should  be  worn  with  a 
jacket,  while  with  a  coat  a  square  hat  or  a  coach- 
ing hat  is  "  correct."  A  white  plastron  tie,  and 
tan  gloves,  black  or  tan  shoes,  a  short  top-coat  of 
covert  cloth,  complete  the  outfit. 

In  the  country  undress  liveries  at  all  times  are 
in  the  best  taste,  though  at  very  fashionable  re- 
sorts they  are  in  place  only  in  the  morning,  about 
the  stable  when  the  men  are  exercising  horses  or 
with  sporting  vehicles. 

The  color  once  chosen  for  "  dress  liveries  "  is 
usually  adhered  to  always. 
32  497 


ETIQUETTE     FOR     ALL     OCCASIONS 

The  proper  livery  for  mourning  is  a  black  cloth 
coat  with  buttons  of  the  same,  white  breeches  and 

boots,  their  tops  covered  with  plain  black 
Mourning  , 

liveries     c^ot")  or  trousers  matching  the  coat,  a 

high  band  upon  the  hat,  white  plastron, 
and  black  gloves. 

For  some  reason  the  conventions  impose  a 
special  livery  to  be  worn  with  horseless  carriages. 

It  consists  of  a  single-breasted  square- 
Automo-  .    , 

bile  livery  cornered    sacque  coat  of  blue,    brown, 

green  cloth,  or  whipcord,  the  edges 
piped,  with  flap  pockets,  standing  or  box  collar, 
trousers  to  match  coat,  piped,  a  cap  of  same 
goods  with  drooping  visor,  and  heavy  gloves. 

The  knowledge  of  what  is  "  the  correct  thing" 
is  no  less  valuable  as  a  standard  of  elegance  than 
as  a  restraint  against  over-sumptuousness  and 
vulgarity. 

Not  many  miles  from  New  York  is  a  quiet  ham- 
let, surrounded  by  fine  country-seats.  One  family 
whose  wealth  is  of  recent  acquisition  drives  each 
morning  to  the  village  post-office,  where  the 
groom  inquires  for  letters,  and  presents  them  at 
the  carriage  door  with  much  flourish  upon  a 
massive  silver  salver !  Vaulting  ambition  some- 
times o'erleaps  itself. 


498 


Chapter   Thirty-sixth—u.wv$>  ON 

FOREIGN    ETIQUETTE 

ENGLAND 

)INCE  the  Atlantic  Ocean  has  be- 
come a  ferry,  the  intercourse  has 
become  so  neighborly  between  the 
peoples  of  either  shore,  family  con- 
nection and  social  interchange  so 
common,  that  it  no  longer  suffices  to  be  famil- 
iar with  the  manners  and  conventions  of  our  own 
land,  but  we  must  become  cosmopolitan,  —  citi- 
zens of  the  world. 

A  dictionary  definition  of  a  cosmopolite  is  "  one 
at  home  everywhere,"  implying  an  easy  and  un- 
conscious conformity  to  the  usages  of  the  society 
in  which  one  finds  one's  self. 

In  times  past  our  ignorance  was  winked  at,  but 
now,  when  at  Rome,  our  behavior  is  expected  to 
be  of  the  strictest  Roman  type,  and  in  nothing  are 
people  more  intolerant  than  in  matters  of  social 
behavior. 

The  fine  instinct  of  modest  independence  that 
bars  at  once  the  arrogant  and  the  servile  from  a 
man's  intercourse  with  his  fellows,  that  imposes 
reticence  of  manner  and  lowered  tones  of  voice 
in  public  places,  the  absence  of  the  "  I  'm-as-good- 
you-are  "  spirit,  and  the  silence  of  that  brazen  in- 
499 


ETIQUETTE     FOR     ALL      OCCASIONS 

strument  known  as  one's  own  trumpet  will  com- 
mend the  traveller  everywhere  to  people's  good 
graces. 

It  is  only  those,  too,  who  are  not  quite  sure  of 
their  social  standing  at  home  who  are  afraid  to 
compromise  their  dignity  by  being  civil  to  every 
one  in  travelling. 

Every  country  has  its  own  etiquette,  and  to 
know  what  is  expected  of  one  under  given  cir- 
cumstances places  one  at  an  immense  advantage. 

In  England,  as  elsewhere,  customs  differ  essen- 
tially of  course,  according  to  class  and  style  of  liv- 
ing, so  that  general  statements  are  impossible,  but 
there  are  many  little  matters  which  are  not  with- 
out importance  to  visitors  to  the  "  little  Mother 
Isle." 

English   hospitality   is   proverbial,   but   it   is   a 

hospitality  that  the  stranger  must  get  used  to  as 

best   he    can,    before    feeling    quite    at 

English    eas6i     The  Englishman  claims  for  him- 
hospitahty 

self  a  certain  superiority  as  representing 

a  nation  possessed  of  infallible  standards,  so  that 
with  his  compatriots  you  feel  like  an  outsider 
until  your  measure  has  been  taken.  They  do  not 
mean  to  be  stiff  and  formal,  but  they  are  "gauche" 
and  it  takes  them  an  appreciable  time  to  thaw. 
The  ice  once  broken,  however,  all  the  delightful 
things  that  one  has  heard  of  these  cousins  —  five 
thousand  miles  "  removed  "  —  are  found  to  be  true, 
after  one  has  passed  one's  examination  and  been 
accepted. 

500 


HINTS      ON     FOREIGN     ETIQUETTE 

The  ten  weeks,  beginning  early  in  May  with  the 
first  Drawing-room,  and  ending  with  Henley  week 
in  late  July,  are  known  to  fame  as  the  London 
season. 

All  London  takes  tea  at  five  o'clock.  If  you 
call  at  or  after  that  hour,  the  servant  takes  your 
card  and  proceeds  at  once  upstairs  to 

the  drawing-room,  —  all  English  draw-    VlsltmS 

etiquette 
ing-rooms  are  on  the  second  floor,  — - 

and  the  visitor  follows.  To  know  this  saves  you 
a  moment  of  doubt  as  to  how  you  are  to  find  the 
reception-room,  since  the  servant  assumes  that 
you  know  that  you  are  to  follow  him. 

If  the  hostess  is  in  the  drawing-room,  he  reads 
your  card  and  announces  your  name,  though  your 
visit  be  most  informal.  Her  presence  in  the  room 
means  that  she  receives  whoever  comes.  If  she  is 
not  in  the  drawing-room,  you  are  ushered  in  and 
the  servant  retires  to  report  your  arrival.  You  are 
never  placed  in  the  awkward  position  of  being  told 
that  "  Madam  begs  to  be  excused." 

If  upon  your  arrival  other  guests  are  present, 
you  are  not  generally  introduced.  The  announce- 
ment of  your  name  is  considered  sufficient,  and 
you  talk  with  friends  and  strangers  alike. 

At  the  five  o'clock  tea  there  is  good-fellowship, 
geniality,  and  warmth.  The  tea-service  is  brought 
in  on  a  tray,  and  placed  on  a  table  near 

the  lady  of  the  house.     The  tea-table  is    ,  ,1V 

'  o  clock  tea 

never   ready-laid  in  the  drawing-room, 

as  is  often  seen  in  America.    Their  tea-tables  have 


ETIQUETTE     FOR     ALL      OCCASIONS 

sliding  shelves  underneath  for  the  bread,  cakes, 
hot  toast,  muffins,  or  scones.  Or,  these  are  served 
on  little  circular  light  wood  stands  of  three  or 
four  shelves,  just  large  enough  for  a  plate,  which 
are  passed  around,  that  each  may  take  what  he 
likes. 

Acquaintance  once  established  after  the  pre- 
liminaries of  an  exchange  of  calls,  a  dinner  is  the 
courtesy  that  good  breeding  imposes  upon  the 
residents. 

When  one  has  accepted  an  invitation  for  a 
luncheon  for  the  first  time,  the  question  arises 

in  a  woman's  mind  whether  or  not  she 
At  a 

will  be  expected  to  take  off  her  hat.    In 
luncheon 

France  it  would  be  discourteous  not  to 
do  so.  In  England  one  is  not  expected  to  lay 
aside  anything.  One  dresses  for  luncheon  as  for 
an  afternoon  tea.  The  entertainment  is  not  con- 
fined to  women,  as  with  us. 

At  dinners,  wedding  breakfasts,  etc.,  the  rules  of 
precedence  among  titled  persons  are  strictly  ob- 
served, and  guests  are  "  sent  in  "  in  the 
precedence  or<^er  °f  their  rank  and  social  status. 
With  this  last,  money  has  nothing  to 
do.  Occasionally  an  American  woman  is  given 
precedence  by  courtesy  because  she  has  no  defi- 
nite rank.  When  Americans  are  the  entertainers, 
the  matter  of  precedence  often  proves  embarrass- 
ing. Guests  are  indulgent  to  our  mistakes,  but 
every  pains  should  be  taken  to  obviate  the  neces- 
sity of  apology. 

502 


HINTS      ON     FOREIGN     ETIQUETTE 

With  the  exception  of  the  observance  of  prece- 
dence, English  dinner  customs  are  like  our  own. 
People  go  into  the  dining-room  arm  in 
arm,  the    lady   of    the   house    allotting   etiquette 
partners.      The    host    leads    with    the 
most  distinguished  lady,  and  the  hostess  follows  last 
with  the  man  of  highest  rank  or  oldest  title.     The 
servants  stand  in  a  line  just  outside  the  dining- 
room  door  as  the  people  pass  in,  coming  in  after 
them.     Ladies   rise   first   from   table,  as  with    us, 
leaving  the   men  to  their  cigars.      They  usually 
adjourn  to  a  smoking-room,  and  join  the  ladies  in 
the  drawing-room  a  little  later.     It  is  bad  form  to 
be  late  for  dinner;  the  usual  hour  is  eight  o'clock. 

In  London  every  one  dines  in  evening  dress,  for 
to  the  play  or  opera  later  on,  only  those  so  clad  are 

admitted  to  the  greater  portion  of  the 

„  Dress 

house.     Even  at  the  public  restaurants, 

after  the  play,  ladies  do  not  hesitate  to  appear  in 
full  dress. 

It  is  always  regarded  as  in  better  taste  to  be  too 
plain  than  too  fine  in  dress,  and  conspicuous  toi- 
lets on  the  street  and  diamonds  by  daylight  are 
thought  the  height  of  vulgarity.  Men  with  any 
pretension  to  gentility  invariably  wear  evening 
clothes  after  six  o'clock,  and  do  not  appear  on  any 
fashionable  thoroughfare  in  the  afternoon  except 
in  regulation  dress,  frock-coat  and  top-hat. 

Balls  begin  at  eleven  o'clock  or  later;  but  as 
people  who  attend  many  dances  are  supposed  to 
choose  the  best  for  the  last,  a  late  arrival  is  re- 
503 


ETIQUETTE     FOR     ALL     OCCASIONS 

garded    as  a  compliment.     There    are    no    dress- 
ing-room preliminaries,  further  than  the  removal 
of  the  wraps  in  the  cloak-room.     Your 

Ball-room  •          i      j  u  r  ..i       i_ 

name  is  asked  by  a  footman  at  the  bot- 
etiquette  >    • 

torn  of  the  staircase,  and  is  passed  from 
man  to  man,  until  some  resemblance  to  it  is 
announced  at  the  drawing-room  door,  where  your 
hostess  stands  to  greet  you.  The  host  is  often 
as  hard  to  find  as  the  proverbial  needle  in  the 
hay. 

Reversing  in  the  "valse,"  as  it  is  there  called,  is 
not  considered  good  form, —  perhaps  on  the  princi- 
ple of  "sour  grapes"  -  but  the  rooms  are  usually 
so  crowded  (dances  are  popularly  known  as 
"  crushes ")  that  it  is  difficult  to  do  more  than 
whirl  around  and  around  in  one  small  spot. 

After  the  dance  is  over,  a  man  must  "  arm  "  his 
partner  back  to  her  chaperon  almost  at  once. 

It  is  not  strictly  good  form  to  ask  a  young 
woman  to  dance  more  than  twice,  or  for  her  to 
accept,  and  sitting  out  dances  in  the  halls  and 
passages  is  considered  in  very  bad  taste.  From 
open  windows  and  doors  the  warm,  fresh  air  is 
admitted,  and  sweet-smelling  spring  flowers  are 
used  profusely  for  decorations. 

Many  liveried  servants  stand  about,  eager  to 
render  any  service  that  may  be  required. 

People  leave  the  room  singly,  the  women  walk- 
ing alone,  the  men  following. 

A  man  often  accompanies  a  lady  to  the  door 
of  the  cloak-room  and  sees  her  to  her  carriage. 
504 


HINTS      ON     FOREIGN     ETIQUETTE 

Cards  are  left  on  the  hostess  the   day  after   a 
ball.     Men  call  exclusively  upon  mar- 
ried women  and  men.     If  they  wish  to     and  cajls 
see    a   young    girl,   they    ask    for    the 
mother.     They  will   see  the    daughter,    doubtless, 
but  in  her  mother's  presence. 

The  first  drawing-room  is  the  real  "  lever  de 
rideau  "  on  the  season's  play  of  Vanity  Fair. 

When  one  desires  a  presentation  to  Royalty  at  a 
drawing-room,    one    must  send  his  or  her  name, 
with  that  of  the  person  who  is  to  make  Presenta 
the  presentation,  to  the  Lord  Chamber-     tion  at  a 
lain    several    days   before  the  function.    Drawing- 
The  presenter  of  a  lady  must  be  a  lady,      room 
and  of  a  man  a  man,  who   must  themselves  have 
been  presented  and  who    must  be    in  attendance 
at  the  ceremonial. 

A  lady's  court  costume  must  be  made  according 
to  rule.  The  presentation  gown  is  restricted  to 
white,  the  material  silk,  satin,  whatever 

one  prefers,  decolletee  and  with  a  court       ,our 

dress 

train  which  must  lie  three  yards  and  a 
half  on  the  floor,  not  an  inch  less.     The  petticoat, 
which  is  but  an  ordinary  ball  dress,  is  quite  sepa- 
rate from  this  train,  which  falls  from  the  shoulders 
or  the  waist. 

Happily,  it  is  only  down  a  few  seconds  during 
the  actual  ceremony;  the  rest  of  the  time  it  is 
carried  over  the  arm. 

The  hair-dresser  is  engaged  weeks  in  advance, 
and  one  must  sometimes  accept  his  services  very 

5°5 


ETIQUETTE     FOR      ALL      OCCASIONS 

early   in   the    morning,    he   is   in    such    demand, 
though  the  function  begins  at  three  P.  M. 

The  coiffure  is  also  regulated  by  rule.  Three 
white  ostrich  feathers  are  so  placed  that  they  stand 
up  erect  on  the  head.  Mrs.  Langtry,  who  at  her 
presentation  arranged  her  feathers  to  suit  her  face 
instead  of  in  the  conventional  manner,  had  to  go 
back  and  rearrange  them. 

A  long  tulle  veil  depends  from  the  coiffure  at 
the  back,  and  a  bouquet  of  white  flowers  com- 
pletes the  costume.  Young  girls  never  wear  dia- 
monds. Married  women,  after  having  been  once 
presented,  may  be  gowned  in  any  color  and  rich 
material  that  they  please,  the  bouquet  matching 
in  tint. 

Men  wear  the  regulation  court  dress,  unless 
entitled  to  wear  some  officer's  uniform. 

It  consists  of  a  "  swallow-tail "  coat  of  claret- 
colored  cloth  or  velvet,  so  dark  as  to  appear  almost 
black  by  gaslight,  with  standing  collar,  lace  ruffles, 
and  steel  buttons.  With  these  a  white  or  velvet 
waistcoat,  velvet  knee  breeches,  or  cloth  trousers 
with  gold-lace  stripe.  A  small  sword  with  chain 
guard  and  white  scabbard  is  worn,  and  a  black 
cocked  hat  is  carried  under  the  arm. 

These  costumes  are  often  hired  for  the  occasion 
by  strangers  having  no  further  need  for  them,  but 
they  are  rarely  satisfactory  in  fit  and  costly  to 
buy. 

Americans  intending  to  seek  presentation  have 
been  known  to  join  the  militia  of  their  State,  or 

506 

f 


HINTS      ON     FOREIGN     ETIQUETTE 

get  a  temporary  appointment  as  extra  aide-de- 
camp on  a  governor's  staff,  so  as  to  acquire  the 
right  to  wear  an  officer's  uniform.  Levees,  not 
Drawing-rooms,  are  the  places  where  men  are 
usually  presented. 

The    drive   to    Buckingham    Palace,  where   the 

Drawing-rooms  are  held,  is  very  tedious. 

'  Going  to  a 

Ihe  long  line  ot  carriages  moves  very  Drawing- 

slowly,  and  from  one  to  three  hours  is     room 
occupied    en    route.     Some  persons  make  a  stop 
at  the  photographer's. 

The  great  bouquets  oh  the  breasts  of  the  men 
on  the  box  tell  the  public  the  destination  of  the 
occupants  of  the  carriage,  and  the  people  on  the 
street  stare  frankly  in  at  them  and  freely  make 
remarks. 

Buckingham  Palace  admits  of  six  carriages  at 
a  time  being  drawn  up  before  it.  One's  wraps 
are  left  in  the  carriage  in  preference  to  the  cloak- 
room. 

Those  who  have  the  "  entree  " —  wives  of  officials, 
ambassadors  and  great  folk  —  are  saved  the  long 
waiting,  enter  at  a  private  door,  and  are  presented 
first.  Up  the  broad  staircase  you  go,  at  the  head 
of  which  men  stand  to  take  one  of  the  cards 
you  are  required  to  bring,  upon  which  your  name 
is  engraved  or  legibly  written.  There  are  very  few 
men.  A  Drawing-room  is  essentially  a  woman's 
function,  but  a  bridegroom  always  accompanies  his 
bride,  for  after  her  marriage  a  woman  must  be 
re-presented. 

507 


ETIQUETTE     FOR      ALL      OCCASIONS 

The  crowd  advances  from  room  to  room  until 
the    Presence    Chamber  is  reached.      The    ladies 

™.  until  then  have  carried  their  trains  over 

The 

etiquette  at  their  arms,  but  at  the  door  of  the  room 
a  Drawing-  jn  which  Royalty  is  to  be  saluted,  they 
are  taken  from  them  by  pages  or  court- 
officials  and  spread  out  with  great  skill. 

At  the  threshold  the  debutante  hands  to  the 
Lord  Chamberlain  or  his  representative  a  card 
bearing  her  own  name  and  that  of  the  lady  pre- 
senting her,  which  are  loudly  announced.  The 
supreme  moment  has  arrived !  Each  lady  ad- 
vances in  turn  and  when  just  before  her  Majesty,1 
she  courtesies  very  low,  so  low  as  almost  to  kneel 
before  the  Queen.  One  recalls  the  ancient  identi- 
fication of  deity  and  monarch,  but  one  may  well  bow 
in  spirit  before  the  noble  woman  who  has  set  her 
subjects  and  the  world  the  example  of  true  wife- 
hood,  motherhood,  and  widowhood,  while  filling 
the  office  of  queen  acceptably  to  countless  millions. 
At  the  present  writing  it  looks  as  though  the 
heavenly  crown  would  soon  replace  the  earthly  one. 
If  the  lady  presented  be  a  peeress  or  a  peer's 
daughter,  the  Queen  kisses  her  on  the  forehead ; 
to  others  she  extends  her  hand.  They  place  their 
own  beneath  it,  palm  downward,  and  kiss  what  was 

1  Between  the  writing  and  the  publication  of  this  paragraph, 
Edward  VII.  has  ascended  the  English  throne.  Since  no 
presentations  at  Court  have  yet  been  made  to  the  new  sovereign, 
no  rules  have  been  formulated  for  any  change  in  ceremonial 
etiquette. 

508 


HINTS     ON     FOREIGN     ETIQUETTE 

once  considered  the  prettiest  hand  in  Europe ;  then, 
rising,  they  make  another  courtesy  to  each  member 
of  the  Royal  family  present,  and  pass  on,  keeping 
their  faces  to  the  Queen,  backing  out  to  the  door. 
Their  trains  are  dexterously  picked  up  by  some 
official  and  thrown  over  the  ladies'  arms. 

I  am  told  that  when  a  King  is  on  the  throne,  he 
salutes  the  cheek  of  such  ladies  as  are  entitled  to 
the  honor.  Otherwise  there  would  be  little  vari- 
ation in  the  etiquette  of  a  nation  so  conservative, 
so  reverent  of  time-honored  customs. 

It  is  said  that  the  Queen's  pages  are  the  sons  of 
noblemen,  who  are  given  a  holiday  from  school  in 
order  to  attend  the  Drawing-room. 

Mayfair,  Belgravia,  Kensington,  and  South  Ken- 
sington   give   "  Drawing-Room     Teas,"  After  the 
and    one  drives  from    house  to   house  Drawing- 
to  see  and  to  be  seen.    Henceforth  the      room 
young  woman  who  has  been  presented  is  eligible 
for  Court  balls  and  other  great  functions. 

As   before  stated,  gentlemen   are   presented   at 
levees,  which    have   been    held    by  the 
Prince  of  Wales  at  St.  James's  Palace 
in  behalf  of  the  Queen. 

The  word  "  levee,"  an  English  corruption  of 
"  lever,"  applied  originally  to  the  rising  of  a  king 
in  the  morning,  at  which  time  certain  courtiers 
and  privileged  folk  attended  him  to  pay  their  re- 
spects and  perhaps  prefer  a  request,  while  his  toilet 
was  being  made.  This  eventually  developed  into 
a  court  ceremonial  which  preserved  some  of  the 
509 


ETIQUETTE      FOR     ALL     OCCASIONS 

informality  of  its  inception.  Levees  are  attended 
by  men  only.  The  presentation  is  a  simple  one. 
The  name  is  read  aloud,  and  the  person  presented 
walks  slowly  past  the  place  where  the  Prince 
stands,  in  full  uniform,  glittering  with  "  orders  " 
and  surrounded  by  his  court.  He  merely  bows 
to  the  Prince,  who  returns  the  bow,  and  so  walks 
on  and  out. 

The  Court  balls  are  given  at  Buckingham  Palace. 
There    is    no  dancing    until    after   the    arrival    of 

the    Royalties,  after  which    the  Prince 
Court  balls   ,  .  ,        ,  .          . 

dances  with  whom  he  pleases,  sending 

an  equerry  to  inform  the  lady  of  his  wish.  She 
accepts  of  course.  All  other  engagements  give 
way.  The  procession  to  supper  is  a  formal  one. 
The  Prince  and  Princess  lead  the  way.  When  the 
Queen  was  present,  she  walked  ahead,  quite  alone. 
At  the  Court  balls,  or  at  any  ball  where  the 
Royalties  are  the  hosts  or  lend  their  presence, 
men  wear  the  "  Windsor  uniform,"  a  sort  of  com- 
promise between  court  dress  and  the  usual  evening 
clothes.  It  is  of  very  dark  blue  cloth,  with  collar, 
lapels,  and  cuffs  of  scarlet  cloth,  with  plain  brass 
buttons ;  but  many,  if  not  most,  men  have  the 
red  collar,  cuffs,  and  lapels  added  to  their  ordinary 
evening  coats. 

Visiting  at  Invitations   to  country    houses   specify 
a  country  a   definite    time,    generally   from    three 
house.      davs  to  a  week. 

Upon  arrival  you  are  welcomed  by  the  hostess, 
and  then  shown  to  your  room  by  a  maid,  who,  if 
510 


HINTS      ON     FOREIGN     ETIQUETTE 

you  are  a  woman  and  have  not  brought  your 
own  maid,  will  unpack  your  "  box  "  and  do  any 
little  services  required. 

To  know  the  usual  routine  places  one  more  at 
ease.  At  eight  or  eight-thirty  A.  M. ,  one  is  called 
by  a  servant,  who  places  a  cup  of  tea  and  slice  of 
thin  bread  and  butter  at  your  bedside,  draws  the 
window-curtains,  prepares  your  bath,  notifying  you 
when  it  is  ready.  A  daily  tubbing  is  the  universal 
custom.  The  valet  takes  away  a  man's  evening 
clothes  to  be  brushed.  The  gong  rings  for  pray- 
ers half  an  hour  later.  Visitors  attend  or  not,  as 
they  please. 

From  nine  to  ten  —  breakfast  —  punctuality  is 
not  expected.  No  one  waits  for  you.  You  may 
not  find  your  hostess,  but  some  member  of  the 
family  is  usually  present. 

Things  are  kept  hot  on  chafing-dishes  at  side 
tables.  People  wait  upon  themselves  and  each 
other,  frequently  getting  up  and  leaving  their 
seats  to  do  so.  This  is  to  do  away  with  the  foot- 
men (servants),  as  all  private  plans  for  the  day 
are  usually  arranged  at  breakfast,  and  personal 
matters  are  talked  over  informally.  A  servant 
is  within  call. 

In  winter  the  men  who  hunt  come  to  breakfast 
in  "  pink,"  and  ladies  in  their  habits,  if  the  "  meet  " 
is  far  distant. 

After  breakfast  guests  are  left  pretty  much  to 
themselves,  though  one  of  the  family  is  generally 
ready  with  help  or  suggestion  for  entertainment. 


ETIQUETTE     FOR      ALL     OCCASIONS 

From  one  to  two  luncheon  is  served,  —  an  in- 
formal meal,  Attendance  is  irregular.  Water  in 
carafes  with  glasses  may  be  on  the  table,  but  is 
never  served  unless  asked  for.  Aerated  waters, 
ale,  or  wines  replace  it. 

After  luncheon  your  hosts  devote  themselves  to 
you.  Some  play  golf  or  tennis,  others  drive  or 
ride.  It  is  always  permissible  to  take  a  friend  to 
any  festivity  except  a  dinner. 

At  five,  afternoon  tea  is  served  in  the  drawing- 
room  or  library,  where  people  loiter  for  conversa- 
tion, music,  or  reading,  until  the  dressing-gong 
sounds. 

A  man  finds  his  evening  clothes  laid  ready  for 
him  in  his  room.  If  the  maid  knows  which  gown 
a  lady  wishes  to  wear,  it  is  placed  at  hand. 

Women  always  wear  low-cut  gowns,  and  men 
evening  clothes,  unless  they  are  the  only  visitors 
at  a  very  quiet  house,  when  demi-toilette  —  a 
gown  cut  partly  low  —  is  permissible,  and  men  wear 
black  ties  and  dinner  jackets,  if  they  please. 

At  seven-thirty,  eight,  or  eight-thirty,  the  gong 
sounds  for  dinner.  The  butler  announces  it.  Peo- 
ple go  in  arm  in  arm,  and  the  same  formality  is  ob- 
served in  all  things  as  at  an  elaborate  dinner-party. 

After  dinner,  unless  the  guests  are  taken  to  some 
entertainment,  they  pass  the  evening,  with  music, 
games,  and  conversation,  as  with  us. 

At  about  half  after  ten  or  eleven,  ladies  go  to  bed 
—  they  do  not  "  retire  "  in  England  —  the  men  light- 
ing their  hand  candles  for  them,  a  row  of  which 
512 


HINTS      ON     FOREIGN     ETIQUETTE 

stands  on  a  table  in  the  hall.  Such  men  as  choose 
go  to  bed  also.  The  majority,  with  the  master  of 
the  house,  adjourn  to  the  billiard  or  smoking  room, 
and  chat  as  late  as  they  please. 

The  tipping  of  servants  in  private  houses  is  an 
accepted  rule,  and  makes  a  guest  feel  free  to  ask 
little  services.  The  amount  expected  Tipping 
depends  upon  the  style  of  the  establish-  the 
ment  and  the  length  of  one's  visit.  In  servants 
the  house  of  a  gentleman  of  fair  means  the  rate 
would  be  from  two  to  three  shillings  per  day  for 
the  maid,  valet,  and  footman  who  has  given  one 
personal  service,  — the  only  servants  that  it  is  nec- 
essary to  fee.  A  week's  stay  would  entitle  them  to 
a  sovereign.  If  you  tip  the  housemaid  who  has 
cared  for  your  room,  you  would  give  her  from  five 
to  ten  shillings,  to  the  butler  not  less  than  a  sov- 
ereign, and  if  you  go  shooting,  the  gamekeeper 
expects  a  like  amount.  If  a  trap  meets  you  at  the 
station  and  fetches  you  there  when  going  away,  you 
would  tip  the  coachman  half  a  sovereign.  If  a  friend 
lends  you  a  carriage  for  any  purpose,  you  must  tip 
the  coachman  and  groom,  if  there  be  one,  half  a 
crown  apiece,  at  least. 

When  strangers  are  put  up  at  the  London  clubs, 
they  may  be  treated  with  every  civility  and  cour- 
tesy, but  they  are  never  allowed  to  forget 
that  they  are  strangers.  The  line  between 
them  and    its  members   is  very  definitely   drawn. 
There  is  a  special  dining-room  and  smoking-room 
for  the  use  of  guests,  which  in  itself  gives  one  a  feel- 
33  5i3 


ETIQUETTE     FOR      ALL     OCCASIONS 

ing  of  being  kept  at  arm's  length,  but  one's  self-love 
is  soothed  by  the  knowledge  that  all  fare  alike. 

No  physician  is  spoken  to  as  "  Doc- 
Points  of          ,,    :  .         .  .  ,    . 
etiquette   tor'    wltnout  nis  name  being  mentioned, 
nor  does  one  speak  of  going  to  a  doctor's 
office,  but  to  his  house. 

A  clergyman  is  never  spoken  of  as  "  The  Rev. 
Mr.  Jones,"  but  referred  to  as  "  Rev.  John  Jones," 
and  in  speaking  addressed  simply  as  "  Mr.  Jones." 
Bishops  are  addressed  as  "  My  Lord,"  or  "  Your 
Lordship,"  or  "  Bishop  "  among  intimates.  Their 
wives  have  no  title.  In  private  life  judges  assume 
their  individual  titles  only.  They  are  never  called 
"  Judge  So  and  So,"  but  spoken  of  formally  as 
"  Mr.  Justice  So  and  So,"  if  not  knighted. 

In  England  no  officer  below  the  grade  of  Captain 
is  permitted  to  use  his  military  title  outside  of  army 
life.  It  is  laid  aside  with  his  uniform. 

In  writing  to  tradesmen  one  says  "  Mr.  Smith," 
but  to  an  equal  one  writes  "  John  Smith,  Esq." 

In  driving,  the  law  of  the  road  is  to  keep  to  the 
left  in  passing  others  who  are  coming  toward  one, 
but  if  the  vehicle  is  going  the  same  way,  one  passes 
it,  turning  to  the  right. 

Hats  are  always  removed  in  the  presence  of 
Royalty,  even  when  they  drive  past  in  the  street 
or  walk  about  at  an  exhibition. 

Young  Americans  must  be  wary  in  their  atten- 
tions to  the  fair  daughters  of  Albion.     They  will 
have  their  intentions  asked  in  short  order  if  they 
go  beyond  the  most  conventional  courtesies. 
SH 


HINTS      ON     FOREIGN     ETIQUETTE 

A  young  English  girl  visiting  America  said, 
"  The  men  in  your  country  are  so  generous.  In 
England,  if  a  man  but  give  you  a  postage-stamp 
he  feels  himself  committed  to  serious  intentions  !  " 

Hawthorne  says  that  any  dislike  between  the 
two  nations  is  collective,  not  individual ;  generic, 
not  personal.  When  they  meet  they  English 
usually  like  each  other.  They  are  and 
intolerant  of  peculiarities  unlike  their  Amencan 
own,  and  their  prejudice  is  founded  often  upon 
very  slight  ground.  For  instance,  their  taste 
is  offended  at  our  "  messy  "  way  of  eating  eggs 
from  a  glass.  They  object  to  our  "  guessing,"  and 
their  ears  are  sensitive  to  misplaced  nasal  sounds 
and  independent  modes  of  pronunciation.  We 
have  a  perfect  right  to  make  a  language  of  our 
own,  but  if  we  do  not  cling  closely  to  the  mother- 
tongue,  as  spoken  by  the  educated  classes  in  Eng- 
land, ours  will  be  thought  a  "  patois,"  by  the  rest 
of  the  world. 

In  the  main  the  "  entente  "  is  a  cordial  one,  and 
when  occasion  arises,  the  proof  is  rarely  lacking 
that  we  know  ourselves  to  be  "  blood-relations." 


Chapter  TAirty-seventA—mNTS  ON 

FOREIGN   ETIQUETTE    (CONTINUED) 

FRANCE  AND   GERMANY 

fOWHERE   is  politeness    magnified 
into  so  supreme  a  virtue  and  cour- 
tesy of  manner  a  passport  to  such 
universal  favor  as  in  France.     It  has 
been  said  that  there  "  one  may  buy 
anything  with  a  smile."     It  would  be  more  correct 
to  say  that  nothing  is  bought  without  a  smile,  for 
in  the  shops  a  request  for  anything  is 
always   prefaced  by  a  bow  and    pleas- 
ant "  good-day  "  to    the   salesman,   and 
"  please  "  is  never  omitted.     If  not  suited,  the  fact 
is  stated  almost  as  an  apology,  and  the  salesman, 
expressing  regret,  usually  accompanies  one  to  the 
door,  where   both   bow  and    exchange   a  smiling 
"  good-day." 

If  you  dine  at  table  d'h6te,  as  you  take  your 
seat,  you  include  your  neighbor  and  vis-a-vis  in  a 
comprehensive  bow,  exchange  a  few  polite  phrases 
during  the  meal,  and  again  bow  in  taking  leave. 

In  entering  a  restaurant  one  conforms  to  custom 
in    bowing  to  the  "  dame    du  comptoir,"  who  re- 
turns the  salutation,  and  in  going  out  there   is  the 
same  exchange  of  civilities. 
516 


HINTS     ON     FOREIGN     ETIQUETTE 

On  the  street  or  elsewhere,  a  lady  never  bows 
first,  but  waits  the  gentleman's  recognition.     The 
deference,  so  profound,  so  thorough,  of 
a  Frenchman's  bow,  is    unique    among    etiquette 
salutations.      A   gentleman    in    France 
bows   respectfully  to  every  woman  whom  he  may 
pass  on   a  staircase,  which  courtesy  the  lady  in- 
variably acknowledges   by  a  gracious   inclination 
of  the  head. 

It  is  one  of  the  first  rules  of  French  etiquette 
that  a  lady  shall  dress  very  quietly  for  the  street. 
American  women  in  Paris  often  deprive  them- 
selves of  much  liberty  and  pleasure  by  an  exagger- 
ated idea  of  the  dangers  of  the  place.  If  one 
be  simply  dressed,  and  careful  to  avoid  any 
appearance  of  seeking  attention,  one  is  quite 
safe,  unless  exceptionally  young  and  attractive. 
Two  ladies  with  their  maid  may  go  to  the  theatre 
without  male  escort. 

In  driving,  much  formality  is  observed.  The 
right-hand  seat,  facing  the  horses,  is  the  place  of 
honor.  If  a  married  woman  has  for  companion  a 
young  girl,  the  elder  lady  sits  on  the  right. 

New-comers  to  a  place  leave  their  cards   upon 
the    residents,   who    call    at    their    earliest    con- 
venience.    The    strangers  are  made  to 
feel    that    their    coming    has    brought 
pleasure.     Every  departing  visitor  is  accompanied, 
if  it  be  a  woman,  to  the  drawing-room  door  by  the 
lady  of  the   house  and  to  the  outer  door  by  the 
master  or  his  son.     If  it  be  a  man,   the  hostess 


ETIQUETTE     FOR      ALL      OCCASIONS 

does  not  pursue  him,  but  her  husband  does.  No 
one  is  transferred  to  the  care  of  servants,  or  aban- 
doned to  his  own  resources  to  find  his  way  out. 

In  France  they  love  to  drop  in  often  upon  one 
another  on  the  same  day  of  the  week,  when  they 
meet  the  same  people,  who  have  not  been  parted 
long  enough  to  lose  interest  in  one  another. 

In  society  all  persons  meeting  at  the  same 
house  are  supposed  to  know  each  other.  Any 
man  may  ask  any  girl  to  dance  or  speak  to  any- 
body at  a  private  ball,  but  he  does  not  talk  to  her, 
beyond  a  mere  conventional  remark  or  two,  en 
route  to  the  chaperon's  side,  where  he  promptly 
leaves  her  with  a  profound  bow.  There  is  no 
further  recognition  between  them. 

The  names  of  the  guests  are  loudly  announced 
at  the  door,  not  to  the  hostess,  as  with  us,  but  for 
the  general  benefit.  This  serves  as  an  introduc- 
tion to  all  the  company. 

Of  course  people  are  presented  to  one  another 
by  the  host  or  hostess,  especially  at  dinners,  but  no 
one  feels  the  necessity.  Frenchmen  employ  the 
most  respectful  shades  of  language  in  addressing  a 
lady  whom  they  meet  thus  on  a  footing  of  recog- 
nized equality. 

At  a  dinner  the  hostess  is  the  first  to  leave  the 
drawing-room,  and  heads  the  procession  to  the 

table  with    her  "  cavalier."     In  French 
Dinner  . 

etiquette    eyes  she   is  on  her  own    ground,    and 

leads  the  way  as  one  who  offers  hospi- 
tality to   her   guests.     Her   husband   comes   last, 
518 


HINTS      ON    FOREIGN     ETIQUETTE 

because,  as  host,  it  is  his  duty  to  yield  precedence 
to  every  one  whom  he  receives.  After  dinner  all 
return  to  the  salon,  arm  in  arm,  in  the  same  order. 

In  most  houses  the  excuse  of  smoking  does  not 
divide  the  guests.  Cigars  and  cigarettes  are  lighted 
in  the  drawing-room.  Many  Frenchwomen  think 
that  they  show  wisdom  in  suppressing  any  objection 
to  tobacco,  —  a  concession  that  authorizes  no  lib- 
erty. No  Frenchman  will  dream  of  showing  less 
deference  to  the  women  about  him  because  per- 
mitted to  smoke  in  their  presence. 

Conversation  is  practised  as  an  art,  where  epi- 
gram, repartee,  and  witty  "  mots  "  are  constantly 
exhibited.  There  is  never  a  lack  of  vivacity,  and 
all  appear  to  attach  much  importance  to  one  an- 
other's opinions.  Habitual  speech  is  flowery  and 
flattering.  Every  Frenchman  aspires  to  be  "  un 
homme  galant,"  and  pleasing  to  the  other  sex.  It 
is  a  pose  that  has  grown  to  be  second  nature. 

It  is  "  etiquette  "  in  France  to  make  conversation 
general  at  table.  One  talks  to  one's  opposite  neigh- 
bors rather  than  to  the  persons  at  one's  side.  They 
think  te~te-a-tete  conversations  all  about  a  table 
to  be  in  questionable  taste,  and  not  at  all  condu- 
cive to  gayety  and  sociability. 

Flirtation,  however,  has  always  the  most  exag- 
gerated construction  put  upon  it.     To  the  French, 
it  conveys  the  idea  of  a  direct  pursuit  of 
admiration  or  of  love,  and  the  calculated 
use  of  all   the  arts  which  may  seem  to  serve  that 
object. 


ETIQUETTE     FOR     ALL      OCCASIONS 

As  every  Frenchwoman  is  at  heart  a  coquette,  all 
grace  and  affability  to  everything  calling  itself  a 
man,  the  distinction  between  flirtation  and  co- 
quetry seems  to  us  to  be  without  a  difference. 
They  think  the  former  aggressive,  the  latter  to  be 
attractively  on  the  defensive,  — "  reculer,  pour 
mieux  sauter."  It  is  well  for  foreigners  to  under- 
stand these  views.  There  is  often  an  element  that 
is  impersonal  in  the  coquetry  of  a  French  gen- 
tlewoman, however.  She  seems  anxious  not  to 
draw  homage  to  herself  so  much  as  to  secure 
victory  in  winning  men  away  from  other  allure- 
ments less  innocent. 

The  organization  of  balls  and  receptions  is  nat- 
urally the  same  in  France  as  in  other  European 
An  accep-  countries.     The  form  of  invitation  is  the 
tance  of  an  same,  but  answers  to   them  are  some- 
invitation  what  differently  worded.     The  formula 
for   a   dinner    acceptance    is,  "  M.    Smith   thanks 
Monsieur   and    Madame    de    Courcelles    for  their 
gracious  invitation,  and  will  have  the  pleasure  of," 
etc.     Smith,  in   speaking  of    himself,  abbreviates 
the  word  "  Monsieur"  to  the  letter  "  M.,"  while  in 
mentioning  his  friends  he  writes  "  Monsieur"  and 
"Madame"    at   full    length.      This    distinction   is 
invariably  employed   by  men.      Women  describe 
themselves  as  "  Madame  "  without  abbreviation. 

French  society  is  in  marked  contrast 
In  French  .  .    _ 

society     to  our  own  m  *****  a£e>  an<^  even  infirm- 
ity, seems  to  be  no  disqualification  for 
its  pleasures. 

520 


HINTS      ON      FOREIGN     ETIQUETTE 

One  frequently  sees  men  leading  the  cotillions 
who  might  easily  be  grandparents. 

Want  of  politeness  is  heresy.  It  is  assumed  that 
all  are  young,  handsome,  healthy,  and  happy.  A 
sick  man  is  never  told  that  he  looks  badly,  though 
he  be  at  death's  door. 

The  French  system  has  great  merits.  It  stimu- 
lates grace  of  language,  it  educates  courtesy,  and 
it  is  believed  that  the  outward  form  in  great  meas- 
ure compels  the  inward  feeling. 

The  children  are  well-mannered,  seldom  rude  or 
boisterous,  and  a  boy  of  ten  knows  that  if  his  father 
stops  to  speak  to  a  lady  in  the  street, 

his  own  duty  is  to  stand  bareheaded  un- 

J  children 

til  she  tells  him  to  resume  his  hat,  and 

he  knows  that  it  is  discourteous  to  shake  hands 

with  any  one,  man  or  woman,  without  uncovering. 

The  announcements  of  deaths  and  marriages  are 
made  through  circulars  sent  to  all  acquaintances. 
Most  people  go  to  the  weddings.     Ev-       The 
erybody  goes  to  the  funerals,  —  nothing  announce- 
is  allowed  to  prevent  the  sacred  duty  of    mer^  of 
offering  the  last  tribute  of  respect  and 
sympathy.    People  dress  in  black,  as  far 
as  their  wardrobe  will  allow.    Every  man  uncovers 
his  head  when   a   funeral   cortege   passes   in   the 
street,  and  everybody  is  supposed  to  offer  a  word 
of  prayer  for  the  departed. 

There    is  a    proverb  that    says,  "  It    is  a  poor 
religion  that  cannot  travel."     That  of  Americans 
in   France  so   often   distinguishes  principle  from 
521 


ETIQUETTE     FOR     ALL      OCCASIONS 

practice,  that  it  is  not  greatly  to  be  wondered  at 
that  the  frivolous  Gaul  should  sometimes  make  — 
privately,  of  course,  out  of  courtesy  —  invidious 
comparisons  between  it  and  the  one  he  himself 
professes. 

In  Germany,  where  coronets  and  quarterings  are 

counted  as  cardinal  virtues,  where  no  one  without 

a  title  can  go  to  court,  there  exists,  of 

course,  class  distinction,  but  there  is  no 

snobbishness.     Gentlefolk  are  welcomed  for  what 

they  are,  not  for  what  they  have. 

Very  unpleasant,  however,according  to  our  ideas, 

is  the  rule  that  strangers  must  make  the  first  ad- 

Vi  itin      vances.    Upon  arriving  at  a  place  where 

etiquette    you    expect   to  make    a   stay  of  some 

for        length,  armed  with  a  few  introductions, 

strangers  yQU   ^rjve  from  door  to  door,  leaving 

cards,  —  and  it  is  well  within  the  conventions  to 

leave  them  as  well  upon  the  friends  of  your  friends. 

The  courtesy  will  be  returned,  and   in  many  cases 

An  invita-  a  servant  will  call  to  deliver  his  master's 

tion  for     message,  requesting  the  honor  of  your 

dinner      company  at  dinner  on  a  specified  day, 

at   three,  four,  or   five   o'clock,  as   the    case    may 

be. 

When  you  arrive,  if  you  are  a  woman,  you  will 
request  your  hostess  to  present  you  to  all  the 
ladies  present,  which  she  will  do,  beginning  the 
tour  with  the  most  distinguished  personages  first, 
and  then  proceeding  according  to  the  nicest  gra- 
dation of  etiquette.  You  courtesy  to  each,  and 
522 


HINTS     ON     FOREIGN     ETIQUETTE 

the  husbands  of  these  ladies  are  then  brought  be- 
fore you  for  presentation.  An  Englishwoman  thus 
describes  such  a  scene  :  "  The  courtesyings,  obei- 
sances, compliments,  at  once  embarrass,  annoy,  and 
amuse  you.  Your  knees  resent  the  genuflections, 
you  feel  ridiculous,  and  conscious  that  the  bobbing, 
sliding,  gliding,  and  grimacing  ladies  are  criticising 
your  rustic  air  and  lack  of  grace,  yet  you  swear  to 
yourself  by  all  your  gods  that  no  inch  lower  than 
is  consistent  with  your  personal  dignity  will  you 
sink  before  your  fellow  creatures !  " 

When  the  ladies  leave  the  dining-room,  the 
gentlemen  naturally  rise  to  let  them  pass.  It  is 
a  pretty  German  custom  for  each  lady  to  courtesy 
to  the  man  who  sat  next  her. 

Theatres  and  operas  begin  early,  and  seats  come 
within  the  bounds  of  the  most  restricted  purses. 

Women  go  about  alone,  and  can  enjoy  ^ 

J    *  Operas  and 
an  independent  and  free  life  with  profit    theatres 

and  pleasure. 

When  making  a  call,  be  careful  not  to  seat  your- 
self upon  the  sofa,  "  lest  one  more  honorable  than 

thou  be  bidden."     That  article  of  fur-     „  ... 

Calling 

niture  —  the  approach  to  which  is  usu- 
ally barred  by  a  table,  hedged  in  from  intruders  — 
is  the  seat  of  greatest  distinction,  and  one  usually 
waits  the  invitation  of  one's  hostess  before  seating 
one's  self  thereon.  A  well-bred  girl  would  never 
occupy  a  sofa  in  the  presence  of  her  elders. 

A  gentleman  sits  always  at  the  lady's  left  hand. 
This  avoids  any  marring  or  entanglement  of  her 
523 


ETIQUETTE     FOR     ALL     OCCASIONS 

gown  with  his  sword.  The  sword  seems,  by  cour- 
tesy, to  be  considered  as  always  present.  The  whole 
manner  of  the  men  suggests  the  soldier. 

A  coffee  party,  or  Kaffee  Klatch,  is  par  excel- 
lence a  German  feminine  entertainment.  Guests  are 

invited  to  come  about  four  o'clock,  and  it 
A  coffee     .  ,11  ,    • 

party      is  understood  that  they  are  to  bring  their 

work  and  "  make  an  afternoon  of  it."  Fin- 
gers are  never  idle.  To  sit  with  folded  hands  is  re- 
garded in  Germany  as  a  culpable  waste  of  time. 
Long  practice  has  enabled  the  women  to  talk  with 
even  greater  volubility  when  their  fingers  are  mov- 
ing in  unison  with  their  tongues.  Strong  coffee, 
chocolate  flavored  with  vanilla  and  beaten  up 
eggs  and  cream,  with  every  conceivable  kind  of 
cake,  is  served,  and  it  would  not  be  Germany  if 
there  was  not  a  little  music. 

All  presentations  to  foreign  courts  are  made 
through  the  national  representative,  and  the  in- 
formation in  regard  to  the  various  formalities  re- 
quired is  obtained  from  them. 

To  foreigners  the  custom  of  wives  sharing  their 
husbands'  official  titles  seems  most  curious.  If  you 

Correct  would  not  give  offence,  you  must  teach 
manner  of  your  tongue  to  say,  "  Good-morning, 

address  Mrs  prjVy.Councilloress,"  "  Thank  you, 
Mrs.  Over-Police-Directoress."  All  the  younger 
sons  benr  the  family  title  by  courtesy. 

At  table-d'h6te  one  sees  marvellous  feats  of 
knife-jugglery,  and  is  tempted  to  wish  piously  that 
the  perpetrators  may  cut  themselves,  but  the 
524 


HINTS     ON     FOREIGN     ETIQUETTE 

Germans  always  bow  to  their  neighbors  on  seat- 
ing   themselves  or    leaving   the    table, 
where   English  and    Americans    ignore  manners 
them  in  solemn  silence. 

We  cannot  sit  long  in  the  seat  of  the  scornful, 
however  much  we  may  criticise  certain  traits ;  their 
manners  are  so  simple,  kindly,  and  sincere,  that 
they  win  our  confidence  and  make  our  heart  warm 
within  us. 


525 


INDEX 


ACCENT,  360 
Acceptance,  a  novel,  53 
Acquaintances,  unwelcome,  14,  81 
Adaptability,  102 
Address,  65,  67 

Addressing  persons  of  title,  390 
Aim,  the  social,  83 
Amusements,  309 
Anglomania,  101 
Anniversaries,  457-462 
Apology,  374 
Arcadian  simplicity,  82 
"  At  home,"  49 
Awkwardness,  24 

BAKER,  the,  381 
Ball  begins,  the,  169 
Balls,  166-191 

"assembly,"  167 

costume,  189 

subscription,  184 
Bathing-suits,  men's,  344 
Bed,  going  to,  284 
Behavior,  57 
Best  man,  duties  of,  255 
Bicycling,  357 
Birthday  fe~te,  435 
Boating,  357 
Bow,  etiquette  of  a,  28 
Bowing  convention,  30 
Breakfast,  136 

economical,  137 

menu,  137 

wedding,  231,  250 
Breeding,  good,  418 
Butcher,  the,  381 

CAKE,  the  wedding,  231 
Calling,  etiquette  of,  82 

proper  courtesies  in,  97 

time  for,  94 
Calling  courtesies,  98 


Calls,  afternoon,  97 

evening,  94 

first,  91 

first  returning,  92,  96 

morning,  90 

of  married  men,  93 

upon  men,  women's,  92 
Cards,  courtesy  at,  272 

leaving,  78 

married  women's,  72 

men's,  73 

mourning,  73 

name,  151 

sending,  77 

visiting,  68,  79 

women's,  71 

Ceremony,  church,  240-246 
Chafing-dish,  140 

Chaperon,  a  girl's  attention  to  her, 
202 

the  duties  of  a,  194 

the  need  of  a,  193 

the  proper,  195 

the  value  of  a,  194 

treatment  of  a,  197 
Chaperons,  176-211 
"  Charming,"  427 
Children  at  table,  430 

etiquette  for,  425 

in  presence  of  visitors,  426 

"showing  off,"  428 

"teasing,"  429 
Children's  playfellows,  432 
Christian  name,  354 
Christenings,  449-456 

church,  449 

house,  451 

refreshments  at,  453 
Clothes,  care  of,  347 
Coaching,  407 
Compliments,  368 
Condolence,  calls  of,  90 
527 


INDEX 


Condolence,  notes  of,  384 

answers  to  notes  of,  385 
Congratulations,  206 
Conversation,  at  dinner,  366 

charm  in,  361 

simplicity  in,  361 

subjects  of,  362 

test  words  and  phrases  in,  369 
Correspondence,  social,  375-393 
Cotillion,  the,  178 

etiquette  of,  180 

favors  at,  182 

leader  of,  1 79 
Courtesy  and  good  manners  in  the 

home,  414-424 
Crest,  the,  376 

DANCES,  166-191 

barn,  190 

between  the,  174 

dinner,  188 

house,  186 

informal  costume,  190 
Dancing  classes,  121,  iSg 
Daughters,  327 
"  Days  at  home,"  42 
Debutante,  introducing  a,  115-125 

new  duties  of  a,  120 
Decorations,  dinner,  150 

wedding,  232 

Departure  of  bride  and  groom,  248 
Deportment,  carriage,  406 

men's,  337-358 
Dessert,  369,  370 
Dinners,  143-165 

bridegroom's  bachelor,  215 

bridesmaids',  215 

choosing  the  guests  for,  144 

final  preparations  for,  158 

hour  for,  145 

little,  163 

menu  of,  151 

stag,  164 
Dress,  men's,  337-358 

afternoon,  340 

bathing  suits,  344 

cycling,  344 

driving,  346 


Dress,  men's,  evening,  340 

golf,  345 

informal  evening,  342 
morning,  338 
"ding,  345 
sporting,  344 
travelling,  346 
yachting,  344 
Dress,  women's,  318-336 
at  funerals,  336 
at  home,  327 
ball,  324 

bride's  mourning,  335 
children's  mourning,  335 
church,  322 
coaching,  328 
dancing,  324 
dinner,  326 
driving,  328 
full,  324 

golf,  33° 

luncheon,  323 

mourning,  333 

opera,  325 

reception,  322 

riding,  322 

servants',  490-498 

sporting,  328 

steamer,  331 

stormy  weather,  331 

street  (afternoon),  321 

street  (morning),  320 

suggestions  for  economy  in,  332 

summer,  331 

theatre,  325 

travelling,  331 

visiting,  322 

wheel,  331 


ECONOMY,  suggestions  for,  332 
Engagements,  honor  in  keeping,  56 

in  colonial  days,  210 

long  and  short,  208 
Entertainment,  children's,  433 

out-of-door,  307-317 
Enunciation,  360 
Epitaph,  468 
Etiquette,  ball-room,  167 
S28 


INDEX 


Etiquette,  bachelor's,  76 

children's,  425-437 

cotillion,  i  So 

dinner-table,  395 

foreign  (England),  499-515 

foreign  (France  and  Germany), 
516-525 

sporting,  405-413 

table,  161 

theatre  and  opera,  260 
Evasion,  an,  53 
Exaggeration,  364 
Excuses,  discourteous,  88 
Expenses,  wedding,  213,  223 

FAMILY  table,  the,  438-448 
Fashion,  freaks  of,  69 
Favors,  ball,  182 
Fianc6  and  fiance'e,  209 
Flattery,  374 
Flowers,  148 

and  favors,  130 
Forwardness,  427 
Funerals,  463-469 

GAME,  397 

Gentleman,  what  constitutes  a,  337 

Gifts,  christening,  456 

engagement,  211 
Girl,  a  well-bred,  124 
"  Good  form,"  416 

manners  and  good  form,  i-io 
"Gourmet,"  the,  140 
Grooms,  the,  487 
Guest,  arrival  of,  159,  279,  309 

departing,  86 

duties  of  a,  294-306 

entertaining  a,  285 

ideal,  301 

meeting,  281 

seating  a,  160 

well-bred,  301 

HANDS,  shaking,  32 
Hats,  333 

ceremony  cf,  27 
"  Hobby,"  riding  one's,  363 

34  529 


"  Home  truths,"  419 
Honor,  a  point  of,  352 
Honors,  bridal,  257 
Hostess,  assistants  of,  118 

pleasant,  286 

privilege  of,  12 

young  girl  as,  121 
Hosts,  bachelors  as,  265 
House,  at  the  bride's,  238 
Husbands,  419 

INTRODUCTIONS,  11-23 

at  balls  and  dances,  13,  169 

at  house  parties,  14 

attention  imposed  by  letters  of, 
22 

courtesies  at,  19 

letters  of,  20 

requesting,  17 

written,  21 
Invitations  and  announcements,  35- 

57 

correct  wording  of,  59 
Inviting  one's  self,  56 

KISSING,  33 

LADY  friend,  371 
Language,  cosmopolitan,  360 
Leave-taking,  98,  162,  182, 289,  302, 

3°4>  39° 

Letters,  between  men  and  women, 
386 

"bread  and  butter,"  305 

business,  382 

how  to  write,  377,  386 

to  children,  388 
Lights,  the,  149 
Listeners,  good,  369 
Luncheon,  126-142 

artistic,  134 

informal,  129 

menu  of,  131 

"poverty,"  134 

service  for  a,  127 

serving  the,  132 

table  decorations  and  wines  at 


a,  129 


INDEX 


MAID,  lady's,  483 
Mannerisms,  374 
Manners,  in  public,  403 

table,  394-402 
Meals,  announcing  the,  288 
Men,  etiquette  for,  96 

inviting,  93 

Menu,  the,  131,  137,  155 
Mistress,  the,  474 
Monogram  and  crest,  376 
Mothers  and  daughters,  327 
Mothers-in-law,  422 
Music,  at  balls,  169 

at  dinner,  158 

at  weddings,  239 
Musicals,  afternoon,  267 

evening,  268 

NAME,  Christian,  71,  379 

middle,  379 
Nicknames,  379 
"  Noblesse  oblige,"  428 
"  Not  at  home,"  88 
Notes  of  congratulations  and  thanks, 

383 
written  in  third  person,  381 

OBLIGATION,  a  pleasant,  122 

the  social,  84 
Opera,  at  the,  259 
Opera  box,  in  an,  261 
Orchestra  stall,  in  the,  262 
Orphan,  where  the  bride  is  an,  63 

PAGE,  the,  486 
Pallbearers,  the,  467 
Parents,  asking  consent  of,  205 
Parties,  card,  267 

garden,  47,  307 

house,  274-293 

opera  and  theatre,  263,  357 
Picnics,  312 

company  at,  314 

feast  at,  314 
Postal  cards,  376 
Precedent,  fashionable,  60 
Presentations  at  dinners  and  recep- 
tions, 12 


Presentations,  chance,  17 

formulae  of,  18 
Problem,  the  parental,  123 
Programme,  the  fashionable,  123 
Provincialism,  354 

RAINY  days,  288 

Reception,  36,  42 

Recreation,  358 

Refreshments,  310 

Regrets,  54 

Rehearsal,  the  wedding,  234 

Ring,  the,  207 

Rooms,  the  guest,  278,  298 

SALUTATIONS,  24-34 
"Sandwiched,"  349 
Servants,  146 

attention  to,  284 

duties  of,  287 

engaging,  472 

good,  471 

tipping,  302 
Service,  correct,  441 
Set,  the  fashionable,  75 
Shyness,  427 
Sick,  calling  on  the,  91 
"Sick,"  370 
Simplicity,  233 

»g,  354 
Smoking,  349 
Snares  and  drawbacks,  113 
Snobs  and  their  ilk,  16 
Social  problem,  a  solution  of  the 

109 
Suggestions,  final,  372 

general,  99 
"  Supper-tray,"  140 
Suppers,  138-142 
Surnames,  379 

TABLE,  laying  the,  147 

lighting  the,  130 

serving  the,  152 
"  Talking  shop,"  363 
Teas,  afternoon,  101,  355 

assistants  at,  103 


53° 


INDEX 


Teas,  guests  at,  104 
how  to  make,  no 
less  formal,  106 
music  at,  105 
serving,  89 
special,  108 

"  Thank  you,"  401 

Theatricals,  269 

Training,  parental,  429 

Trousseau,  the,  229 


VALET,  the,  486 
Visiting,  95 
Visitors,  291 

WEDDING,  day  of  the,  236-258 
Weddings,  preparation  for,  212-235 
Widow,  remarriage  of  a,  63 
Widow-bride,  dress  of  a,  220 
Wife,  the,  419 
Wit,  365 


531 


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